Bachelor Episode 3: Crazy Ain't Just for Patsy Cline

My oh My. We have a lot of ground to cover this episode. However, I’d like to begin with two housekeeping items. As of last week the “Absolutely” count was 2. The “Journey” count was 1. The “Amazing” count was 15. After this episode the “Journey” count rose only slightly to 4 and the “Absolutely” count held steady at 2. However, the “Amazing” count exploded to a surprising 33—that’s 18 “amazings” in one episode for those of you without math degrees. The show should provide the contestants with a thesaurus.

Also, the story all over the entertainment sites and shows this week was the over-hyped departure of Rozlyn due to her alleged “affair” with a producer. Did anyone get a look at this guy? He’s not exactly George Clooney. It just goes to show that nothing trumps fat, dumpy, and middle-aged quite like the word “Producer” after your name. Nice job, pal. They should double his unemployment check for hooking up with a woman that far out of his league. Now that we’re clear on that, let’s get to the breakdown.

We begin with the standard promo shots of Jake risk taking by bungee jumping, riding his motorcycle, and attending a John Lovitz comedy show. Yes, the last one is a risk. After a few more teasers we are greeted by our never present host, Chris Harrison. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the guy is Money. Dressed in a gray v-neck and a black sport coat—a subtle harbinger of the controversy and pain to follow—Harrison announces two one-on-one dates and one group date. Everyone’s Juicy warm up suits perk up in anticipation. “Will it be me?” their looks scream as Gia lunges forward and rips the envelope from Harrison’s hand in her oversized fat girl sweater which falls ever so carefully off her shoulder a la Jennifer Beals in Flashdance. I was waiting for her to sit down in a chair and get hit with a bucket of water from above.

Despite Michelle REALLY wanting the date (oh, I’ll get to her later), we learn that Vienna is the lucky girl. Michelle gets in an “I’m really attractive and I consider Vienna my opposite” dig and the crazy fuse is ignited. Vienna does her best not to rub it in everyone’s face and the women do their best to act happy for her. Ali (oh, I’ll get to her later too) feels “betrayed” by Vienna’s date because she and Jake’s date was “so special.” The word “delusional” came to mind.

Jake shows up in his “I’m dangerous” leather coat and the same t-shirt he wore on last week’s date with Ali. He puts on his giant helmet and Vienna puts on Ali’s giant helmet and away they ride on that stupid motorcycle for a dream date. We get a voice over of Jake as we see he and Vienna’s stunt doubles ride down the PCH on Jake’s scooter. Jake tells us that Vienna is “the life of the party” and that he’s never dated anyone like her. He is again “out of his comfort zone.” Something tells me that Jake’s comfort zone when it comes to women consists of hiding beneath his covers in his footed pajamas in his starter home in Denton well past his bedtime with a flashlight and a Playboy. . .make that a Cosmo.

Nonetheless, the editing staff does its best to make him look edgy and daring by giving us a close up of his bad guy from Grease motorcycle boots (which match his belt, by the way) and leather gloves. Jake tells us that he loves adventure dates and he’s ready to see if Vienna can keep up. They get aboard a helicopter and we quickly sense that Jake is beyond nervous. Why? Is it the proximity of a real woman? The anticipation of closeness? Vienna’s eye makeup? Bad gas? No, ladies and gentlemen. Apparently, Jake is afraid of heights and the date he’s “planned” involves bungee jumping off a bridge. Are you kidding me? Note to Jake: it’s not a good idea to include an activity that scares you beyond imagination on a date where you want to impress a woman. I don’t know what was on his Outlook To Do list when he woke up and checked his email but it was not “Kick Ass and Take Names.”

On the way to the big jump the helicopter does a flyover of the mansion and we see Michelle and her tramp stamp laying out at the pool simmering in crazy (oh, I’ll get to her in a bit). Kathryn tells us that Vienna “has ruffled some feathers” at the house. Translation: We hate her and this episode is all about how much we hate her. Michelle keeps cooking up the crazy while the other women plot against Vienna.

In the meantime. . .

Vienna and her version of the off the shoulder Flashdance sweater do their best to convince us that it’s really cute that Jake has made himself vulnerable, blah, blah, blah. We cut to a shot of him whining like a schoolgirl about bungee jumping while Vienna does her best to comfort him. I had a hard time figuring out who was more feminine. I was waiting for him to ask for his mommy. So much for “my office is at 37,000 feet” and “I’m here to take chances.” Jake proved himself to be a word that starts with a “P,” and it’s not “Pilot.” Adventure date, my ass.

After he’s done sobbing on yet another railing, Jake appears in his Garanimals V-neck sweater and compliments Vienna by saying that she rose to the occasion by being there for him in his moment of weakness. Translation: she’s tougher than I am. They discuss his shaking and carrying on over an appropriate glass of white wine—which was probably apple juice—and we wonder just how overprotective and controlling Jake’s mother was when he grew up. Jake fakes like he had fun and pretends to listen to Vienna while he does that annoying raising of the eyebrows and scrunchy forehead thing.

Ding dong. The doorbell rings and the ladies run to see what the magic envelope holds. Carrie, Elizabeth, Ali, Tenley, Ashleigh, Jessie, Kathryn, and Michelle land the group date and Michelle is none too happy. She came to the mansion for a one-on-one. Ella, Gia, Valishia, and Vienna will sit this one out at home. Michelle’s fuse grows shorter and shorter and we all begin to realize that we’re in for something special. We will soon learn that you can’t spell Michelle without hell . . . as in Crazy as. No, this show doesn’t allow fat girls but it has an open door policy on whackos.

Jake and Vienna close their date—how else?—by putting on their bathing suits and going for a let’s talk about our feelings swim. Vienna shows up sporting a green bikini with a frilly hide the junk in my trunk bottom and Jake emerges in his Garanimals swim trunks. He quickly departs the pool area and dons a blue towel that undoubtedly had the same animal on the tag as his swimsuit and, looking like Sparta-wus, he struts to retrieve the rose. Jake articulates his feelings like a drunk person with a speech impediment and presents Vienna with the coveted rose. Vienna clearly earned it. Good for her. Vienna does her best to speak in extreme absolutes by telling us she’s had the “best day ever in her life” and that she is on “Cloud Jake.” She should have had to forfeit the rose for that last comment.

We cut back to the mansion where the close living quarters and all of the binging and purging over the last two weeks have clearly taken their toll. Ashleigh leads off the attack on Vienna by saying she’d rather watch paint dry than hear Vienna talk. To be fair, enjoying the sight of drying paint probably qualifies her to be with Jake.

Michelle takes center stage and the bus leaves the mansion for an on time arrival at the intersection of Crazy Street and Desperation Drive. In a manic rant Michelle tells us that kissing Jake will involve “crazy tongue in the mouth” and “ripping of shirts.” Michelle using the word “crazy” is tantamount to Bigfoot using the word “elusive.” Hell, when he gets home Jake should take some plaster casts of the footprints around his starter home in Denton and see if they match up to Michelle’s shoe size. Michelle is like the Michael Jordan of instability. You can’t stop her; you just hope you can contain her. She’s so nuts squirrels try to bury her. Loopy, I tell you.

Jake shows up for the group date in a plaid button up looking like a big Scotch tape dispenser. Michelle leads the pack of vixens and greets Jake with a big, crazy hug and off they go to the John Lovitz Comedy Club where they learn that they will be doing a comedy routine for a full house. John Lovitz? I’d rather listen to Chicago in the park.

Back at the mansion we learn that Ella has earned the one-on-one date and she shows us her spirit fingers to prove it. Good for her. Vienna reiterated how “amazing” her date was and Gia, whose mouth looks like a sex toy, was irritated. Seriously. Does anyone think that Gia is actually 26 years old? When I look at her face I find myself wondering is she’s going to bust through the doors of an art museum with her henchmen and attempt to kidnap Vicki Vale before being thwarted by Batman. She looks like the freaking Joker. If she’s 26, then I’m Hemmingway.

Ashleigh is more nervous than Jake on a bridge at the prospect of performing in front of a crowd. Jake actually attempts to help her by writing a joke on a piece of paper. I can only imagine it said, “me on my motorcycle.” The nursing home busses offload the “crowd” and each girl takes a turn at comedy. Highlights included Ali looking very Britney Spears-ish telling grade school jokes, Elizabeth horrifying Jake’s virgin ears by working a little blue, Michelle demonstrating her crazy, and Corrie piling on the already battered Vienna. Tenley actually lied on the ground and pulled her legs over her head. If this thing doesn’t work out for her, I’m certain pornography giant Vivid Entertainment will offer her the lead in Schindler’s Fist or Catcher in the Rear. Jake, of course, was unimpressed with Tenley’s talents. Is he a eunuch?

All in all the “comedy” show was painful to watch. All of the girls seemed really uncomfortable on stage. Perhaps if there was a pole and a disco ball in the middle of the stage and some blaring AC/DC music, the show would have been better.

Back at the mansion Vienna and Gia square off as do Ali and Michelle. Elizabeth gets in a priceless jab when she hypothesizes that Michelle needs a therapist rather than a husband. Jake arrives at the cocktail party and wants to take things to a serious note. Congratulations, Jake. You just succeeded in beating Chris Harrison as the top buzz killer on the show. Unafraid, Tenley takes Jake aside to bear her soul. She tells us that Jake knows nothing about her. Well, to be fair, he knows she can lie on her back and pull her legs over her head. Is there really anything else he “needs” to know? The rest is just window dressing, isn’t it? Anyhoooo, she finally gets to tell Jake that annoying “I was a virgin who got married and he cheated on me” story and Jake does that raised eyebrows scrunching of the forehead thing again.

Jake changes his Scotch tape shirt to a V-neck sweater that Harrison loaned him and Ashleigh makes the cardinal sin of Bachelor cocktail parties. Well, there are more than one cardinal sins at cocktail parties, but you get the idea. She pulls Jake aside to tell him that Vienna is despised by all of the women in the house and that she’s just not right for him. Watch the tape, ladies. This strategy never works. All she had to do is ask Jake how badmouthing someone worked out for him on the Bachelorette. He ended up crying on a balcony at the Austin Hyatt and flying alone back to his starter home in Denton. Seriously, it’s like trying to run up the middle on the Ravens or throw to the sideline against Deion Sanders. Or, to put it in female terms: it’s like wearing black underwear with white capris. Bad idea, Asleigh. It’s not your decision.

Vienna continues to get plowed by all of the women in the house and Gia hairlips and botoxes her to death; ultimately concluding that Vienna is somehow “dangerous.” Ok. Vienna cries and retires to her chamber where she pens a missive to Jake reminiscent of Paul to the Corinthians while he was being persecuted. Well, not really, but it was pretty dramatic. Ali gets Jake alone and almost drops the “L” word to an uninterested and bored Jake. She too plays the Vienna is Wrong Card, albeit not as harshly as Ashleigh. Ali leaves Jake and proceeds to ruin her girl next door persona by budding into all of the drama in the house. She reminded me of Lenny in Of Mice and Men when he tries to pet the bunny and ends up squeezing it to death. Don’t squeeze the bunny, Ali. Don’t squeeze the bunny.

We then get a foreboding shot of Michelle lurking on the balcony above impatiently waiting for her opportunity to show Jake just how unstable she really is. Jessie comments that being around Michelle is “like walking on egg shells.” Yea, really, really crazy egg shells. Ali confronts her and Michelle saunters off from the stone throwing hoard in her swashbuckler boots in search of Jake. You could almost hear the producers yell, “get it over with, Jake” as she approached. I’ll shorten this by simply saying that she went even crazier and once he was convinced she wasn’t carrying a sword or a rapier with her swashbuckler outfit, Jake took out the trash. Good luck, Michelle . . . and good riddance. Someone remind Ali to look over her shoulder every time she steps out of her apartment for the rest of her life. You can’t fix crazy.

An upset Jake tells us that he “just wants to go home.” To his mommy and a warm cup of milk, perhaps? Despite Tenley’s heart wrenching confession, Jake chooses not to give anyone a rose and heads back to his sissy lair for some quiet reflection and a stiff glass of Kool-Aid before putting on his footed pj’s and going to bed with his flashlight.

Jake shows up for his date with single mom Ella in a new lumberjack shirt with his leather jacket draped over his shoulder in a move more staged than a five act play. As the helicopter shows up Vienna shows us her long face. Oh, and she seemed sad too. She attempts to apologize to the other women for—well, I’m not really sure what for and they all seem to buy it until Ali squashes the moment along with Vienna’s confidence. Ashleigh piles on and more crying ensues. I’ll give Vienna credit for trying. No good deed goes unpunished. When she gets a big fat engagement ring in a few weeks she can use it to deflect the insults and negativity hurled her way by the Jealous Janes in the house. That’s right. She’s going to win.

Ella and Jake land at Sea World and in a move more telegraphed than Tony Romo’s last interception, her 7 year old son shows up to “surprise” her. Jake acts like he set the entire thing up by himself and attempts to bond with the kid. He actually appeared more awkward than he does with the women and quickly dropped a “ready to find your mom?” after the producers had enough footage to make it work. By the way, doesn’t Jake owe the kid an apology for taking his favorite toy? Remember that Ella highjacked his favorite plane to give to Jake in order to secure a place in the top 15. Instead, Jake gives him a paper plane and a rub on the head. Thanks, “Dad.” I’ll admit that he looked sincere but let’s face it, this guy looks down on single parents and he’s not looking for someone who is divorced and he’s certainly not looking for someone who is divorced with a kid. Congrats on playing ball for the show, Jake. Ella is clearly a nice person and I hope Jake cuts her loose soon so she can go be with her son. Besides, had the date lasted any longer she would have asked the “how much do cargo pilots earn” question. Talk about awkward. The date ends and we assume they got the kid back to the prop department at Universal Studios. I hope the real Ethan enjoyed watching from home in Tennessee.

Jake and Ella go to dinner—apparently at some place really close to a duck farm because that’s all I could hear in the background. Jake tells her that the “only thing he has to offer is honesty.” I guess that answers the “how much do cargo pilots earn” question. She gets a rose and we gear up for the final cocktail party before the dreaded rose ceremony.

Again, Jake takes buzz killing to a new level when he shows up to the party on a mission. Elizabeth is first. He reiterates how “confusing” she is for him and christens her the “Queen of Mixed Signals.” What? She’s been trying to get you to feel her up for two weeks now. It’s as obvious as the zit on Ella’s face. In a contrived for TV moment he calls her a tease and Elizabeth melts down just enough to seal her fate. That’s too bad. I actually liked her. Maybe she and Michelle can share a therapist. Elizabeth is done for sure when Vienna—and her I’m not leaving here tonight rose—show up to steal Jake away. Elizabeth locks herself in the bathroom. Ali buds in to tell Vienna that it was not fair to talk to Jake because she had a rose. Whatever, Ali. This is a competition, not an exhibition. Being assertive is a good thing. In an attempt to save face, Elizabeth composes herself, lets us know that she’s still deciding if she will choose Jake and gives a win one for the Gipper plea to Jake.

Harrison shows up in a muted purple shirt and purple tie complimented by a tailored black suit with his fork and champagne glass and announces the beginning of the carnage. Jake promises to let his heart lead—whatever that means—and stares forlornly at the head shots of the women in his dome of seclusion, or whatever you call that room he goes to in order to stare forlornly at the head shots of the women.

Gia, Corrie, Tenley, Ali, Jessie, Kathryn, Ashleigh, Vienna, and Ella are all safe and Valisha (who said more in her departing speech than she has in the past 4 shows) and Elizabeth are eliminated proving my aforementioned maxim: Desperate and Alone equals Limo Ride Home. In all, Jake eliminated a mute, a certifiably crazy woman, and the Queen of Mixed Signals. I can’t wait until next week. Until then, if you need me I’ll be bungee jumping.

Bachlor Episode 2: Jake's a Tool

Let’s get to it. Episode two of what I thought was The Bachelor aired on Monday. I say “thought” because it’s quickly turning into Flavor of Love—well, minus the purple hair extensions. We begin with the usual montage of our bachelor Jake putting his stupid motorcycle and rocking bod through their paces. Yes, he’s footloose and fiancé free and---oh, you know the rest. Chris Harrison tees up the show like Tiger Wood’s rear Escalade window and off we go into Jake’s search for the love of his life . . .or something like that.

Chris Harrison appears at the mansion where all the girls have conveniently gathered for morning coffee. He’s sporting jeans and an untucked and semi-unbuttoned purple button down with stripes. Purple is the new black and Harrison clearly got the memo. He’s casual, but hold the phone. The starch in the collar tells us he means business. He reiterates the rules of the game as if the women on the show hadn’t been studying the tapes of previous seasons like Peyton Manning before a Patriots’ game. The giggles and squeals tell us that it’s first group date time and the envelope is revealed as the camera cuts to Michelle twitching like a World War II Veteran at a fireworks display asking—no, begging--for her name to be on the paper. Fat chance. The producers smelled crazy the second she arrived at the compound and are clearly going to make her sweat. I’m sure they took the precaution of securing all of the sharp objects prior to this episode.

Gia, Roslyn, Felicia (or is it Alicia?), Corrie, Christina, and Ashley H. get the lucky date and Michelle all but comes unglued. It was more painful to watch than Jake on his scooter-cycle with his giant helmet. By the way, what is up with that giant helmet? Seriously. Paint that thing white and he might as well be doing a Jack in the Box commercial. You could serve punch out of that thing. At any rate, Jake shows up looking boring in his solid French blue untucked oxford shirt and jeans. The shirt was unbuttoned just past his testicles. He looked like Tom Jones except without the chest hair, talent, and sex appeal. The women looked past it and they all hop into the extended SUV stretch limo for a “surprise” date. The awkwardness in the limo was palpable. The girls laughed nervously at whatever Jake muttered. He looked about as comfortable as a bastard on Father’s Day.

We cut next to the hotel where the “surprise” is revealed by “Hal” from InStyle Magazine. Apparently, this magazine is to women what pro football is to men. They all go nuts when Hal—who is as gay as pink ink—explains that they will be part of a photo shoot. Well, all except Christina—more about that later.

Roslyn, who is especially determined to win the rose, announces her comfort in front of the camera and the only girl who can even come close to competing with her, Gia, does the same. Roslyn does get in a brutal dig when she claims that she’s been mostly in “bridal magazines while I think Gia does like lingerie stuff.” Classic. Translation: I think Gia’s a dirty tramp. Regardless of the in fighting, Roslyn goes first and shows up the rest of the women as they all sit in awe of her ability to stand and smile. She ends by showing us what she had for breakfast and confidently retires to bask in her hotness. Next, Gia, who looks like the offspring of J. Lo. and Calista Flockhart, hairlips her way through the shoot. During this time Jake is being sufficiently boring and uncharming. This guy kills me. They might as well have put a cardboard cut out next to the girls. Blue steel? Le Tigre? Ferrari? It’s all the same look. Mix it up a little, Jake. The photographer, who looked like a homosexual version of D-Day from Animal House, sensed Jake’s one dimensional-ness and tells him to “think of something kind of dirty.” I’d be willing to bet that Jake thought about the load of laundry he left in his hamper back in Denton or maybe about the improper fractions he was forced to work on in fifth grade despite his protests. Whatever.

In the meantime, Christina and her furry eyebrows were gripping harder than a cat over a bucket of water about the photo shoot. She was intimidated by Roz and Gia and she was worried that she wouldn’t look good and she’d never done this before . . . Thus, the invention of the mute button. Jake apparently wanted her to feel better so he tells her that the dress makes her eyes look nice and a few other contrived and insincere compliments the producers whispered in his ear off camera. He then gives her a fake hug. She buys it and powers through the photo shoot. That hug was one of those only on the neck hugs that you give someone when you’re forced to give a hug. Seriously, Jake, the Venus De Milo could manage a better hug. No wonder you’ve been first dated so many times. I will say that Christina struck me as vulnerable, stressed, and nice. Her hives complimented her furry eyebrows nicely and she actually looked very pretty. I’d rather look at Roz and Gia, but I was impressed with her ability to soldier on. Nice job.

At the end of the arduous photo shoot D-Gay calls it a success and Jake is forced to take a sip of alcohol as he gives a toast to the ladies. He actually went with “the night is still young.” Maybe, but that toast isn’t. What a dial tone. He makes me miss Kiptyn.

In a James Hilton reference that I’m certain was lost on everyone except that smart crew guy on the location team, they end up at the hotel Shangri La for a bit of a pool party. Jake quickly dons his swimsuit and we see him shirtless yet again. The women jockey around the pool for position with the date rose hovering around like a fart in an elevator and Gia opens up her Botox laden lips to Jake . . . well, at least until she almost gets to answer Jake’s undoubtedly fake “tell me where your heart is” question before being punted by Asleigh.

Roslyn makes her move and we quickly learn that Roz has been to the doctor for a boob job. She has all of her gifts on display when she asks Jake up to the roof for some alone time to make her move. The four of them leave the pool and go to a quiet corner. We again get multiple angle shots of Roslyn’s sizeable bust. I mean those things were big. She could shade a 4 year old at high noon. They were huge. It looked like she was stealing ham. Huge, I tell you. She could make a camel blush. Giant. Her cups could hold more water than Jake’s motorcycle helmet. I mean large. After some batting of the eyes and another not so subtle display of her cans, Roslyn moves in for the kiss. It’s too bad Jake looked like he was kissing the bearded lady at the circus. What a waste. I’m beginning to think that Jake would be more comfortable with Hal from InStyle than making out with a hot model in a bikini. If I had a balcony, I would have cried off of it. Letting Jake kiss Roslyn is like letting an 18 year old drink 100 year old single malt scotch. Oh, the humanity. Jake actually tells us that she puts him “out of his comfort zone.” What? A hot model in a bikini pulls him away from 14 other hot women in bikinis drinking alcohol so she can make out with him and show him her fake knockers and he’s out of his comfort zone? Dude, wing it for God’s sake. (Insert Christian Bale meltdown right here. You’re a freaking amateur!). Regardless, Jake gives Roslyn the date rose and she almost spikes it like a football. She and her giant friends are thrilled. The five grand she spent was worth its weight in CC’s. Good for you Roslyn. Good for you.

We then pan to a shot of the girls at the mansion getting a mysterious mail message and a diamond necklace. They drool over it like Pavlov’s dog and Michelle quickly claims it for her own. I alluded to this in my last blog and I’ll reiterate it now: Desperation equals Elimination. They should crochet that on a pillow and leave it on Michelle’s bed at the house. She’s out of her mind.

In order to relieve the stress of being surrounded by hotness, Christina drinks a bunch at the pool and an unimpressed Jake comments on her penchant for hard stuff. I suppose he’s right. The only thing worse than forward, turned on models in bikinis is a less attractive but still cute drunk woman in a size two bikini so anxious to impress you that she’ll do anything to get your attention. It’s tough being a bachelor. Dude. If Wes Hayden had been selected, every one of those girls—except Michelle—would be pregnant. Watching Jake in action is like watching an ape play with a computer.

Next, we find out that Ali is the recipient of the necklace and the coveted one-on-one date. She quickly jumps into the necklace and Channy’s yellow dress from last week in anticipation of a romantic limo ride and a quiet evening with Jake. Tough sh*t, Ali. Jake shows up in a t-shirt and jeans on his scooter-cycle with a matching giant helmet for Ali. Boy, oh boy. Nothing says romance like hopping on the back of an underpowered motorcycle in an expensive dress after smashing a helmet over well-coiffed hair for a dirty ride down the 105. What the hell happened to the limo? Ali is a great sport about the entire thing despite being overdressed. I liked her although she did cry a bit. I’ll chalk that up to stress. She seemed nice.

After she got the gnats out of her teeth and pulled her dress out of her rear end Jake puts her into a Cessna (that’s original) and proceeds to take an hour for a “quick-preflight check.” That’s odd, I had no idea Jake was a pilot. After the pre-flight check and an unexplainable over the shoulder coat throw Jake finally gets the damn plane off the ground and Ali squeals like Ned Beatty in Deliverance. Honey, it’s just a plane ride. The Wright brothers were less excited when they took off.

Then, in a moment to end all moments, we are blessed with a sunset shot of Jake’s plane riding over the horizon as Jeffrey Osborne’s “On the Wings of Love” plays in the background. There’s no joke here. That one speaks for itself. As if that wasn’t enough, Ali says that the plane taking off is symbolic of she and Jake’s relationship taking off. I think Jeffery Osborne wrote that part too.

When Jake lands, we continue with the literary allusions when we see that he and Ali will be spiriting around town in a Great Gatsby 1920’s convertible. Boy, I have to hand it to Jake. Nothing says consideration better than taking a primped and styled woman on the back of your motorcycle, in the cockpit of a Cessna with headphones on, and then on a fast convertible ride. I believe the car was a restored version of the Limited Edition 1924 Ford Cheesebag. They drive around for awhile with Jake looking as polished as the car. Then, for some reason they are “treated” to a private concert by Chicago. Yes, Chicago—the white man’s Earth, Wind, and Fire. Granted, they have sold 120 million records and have been around for like 43 years, but come on. What, was Toto booked? They dance, have dinner, dispense a rose, smile, kiss, and go home. Thank God.

The next group date is won by Elizabeth, Corrie, Ashley E., and Vienna (insert sausage joke here). Uh oh, no Michelle. How could she have been overlooked? Trust me, she wasn’t. After a classic “I’m not ordinary,” “I have a lot of love to give,” tirade the tension continues to build. She’s really out of her mind. We can only pray that her next boyfriend is a mental health professional. Her response to Jake asking her, “how do you like your eggs?” would be “fertilized.” She clearly needs help. I just hope she’s eliminated soon so she can start filming Swimfan II.

Jake treats the girls to a trip to Six Flags and they head to the Goliath roller coaster. I was praying for a diminutive Jew to step out and hit Jake in the head with a rock. No such luck. Elizabeth pulls Jake aside and says some scripted words to him and makes him promise not to kiss her unless she’s The One. Props for that move. She too is aware that purple is the new black. She looks great and comes across as way too cool and together for Jake. Frankly, she deserves better. I know, her boobs are way too fake, yadda, yadda, yadda. She’s too smart to fall for Jake. When she’s eliminated on a later show, she’ll be graceful but thankful.

Vienna pulls Jake aside too and in an emotionally soul bearing moment confesses to having had her heart broken by a young Lothario and eloping to get him back. Alas, her ill-fated marriage lasted but 4 months. Jake seems unimpressed and unsympathetic. She might as well have told the carny working the roller coaster. At least he could have shared a prison rape story with her in an attempt to empathize. Ashley moves in to show Jake her hot pink nail polish and in a move reminiscent of Jillian’s rejection of Reid at the altar Jake then proceeds to hand out the date rose to Elizabeth instead of the Hester Prynned Vienna. Come on, Jake. Fair is fair. Give the girl some credit for going out on a limb and then set Elizabeth up at the rose ceremony. Jake? Oblivious.

Next, in the most brilliant move since Wes distracted Jillian with “look, that bird has no foot,” Elizabeth gets Jake alone and toys with him like a grizzly bear with a bunny. She’s clearly Jake’s superior. She owns him and I was proud of her. She earns the fireworks display that Jake “arranged” and we cut to a shot of the other women pouting in the limo as they realize that Elizabeth has outplayed, outwitted, and outlasted all of them.

In another underly romantic move, Jake decides to give Ella a “birthday gift.” Jake actually shows up with a cupcake with a candle in it. Are you kidding me? Jake reminds Ella of the pain of the separation she suffers from being away from her son on her birthday and we empathize with her like we did when Jason booted the other Southern chick to the curb last season. At least she got to see her kid.

Jake continues to impress when Tenley (bless her wounded, super hot, little heart) pulls him aside to nervously break the news about her divorce and impress him with the fact that she was a virgin before getting married. Tenley is confident. She doesn’t know the meaning of the word “fear.” Then again, she probably doesn’t know the meaning of a lot words, but I digress. An ever perceptive Jake actually drops the you seem like you have a “good and successful dating history.” Kreskin he is not. You’d think the producers might have given him a heads up with that one. “Dewey Beats Truman” was more accurate than that line. What. A. Tool. Tenley’s bid to be honest fails. Next!

Crazy Michelle gets some alone time to bitch and complain about . . . well, everything. I’m certain she’s seen every show prior to this but she still doesn’t seem to get it. I’ll sidestep her tantrum and her “I’m packing and going home” rant. It’s really not worth mentioning. The best part of her rant to Jake was when she was interrupted mid-crazy stream by one of the other girls and actually gave Jake permission to leave before trouncing off to her room. Maxim number two, Michelle: Desperate and Alone equals Limo Ride Home. She’s not going anywhere until the producers say so, but she just might leave on her own. Nitroglycerin is more stable.

Moving on…

In what I believe to be the most overrated moment in Bachelor history (see, I’m starting to talk like Harrison), Roslyn is confronted by Harrison about an “inappropriate relationship” she developed with one of the production crew. Yes, you read that correctly. She and some dude from the production crew saw sparks and got caught. Harrison calls her out, lets her know that the guy has been canned from the show, and then asks her to leave. The implication is that they slept together. No way. Trust me on this one. The show is toeing a very fine line between a defamation lawsuit and maximizing the ratings when it goes with the “inappropriate relationship” talk. Roslyn got bored waiting around for Jake, struck up a conversation with a crew guy, they hit it off, and he got canned. I’m sure that Harrison and the rest of the crew gave him a high five and a slap on the rear end on his way out the door. What does it say about Jake when the hottest girl in the mix is lured away by a production guy in black jean shorts and a Che Gueverra t-shirt holding a microphone on a stick? I’ll tell you what it says: Everything. Dude, you just got c-blocked by a guy in the production crew. I love it. Jake does not.

Roslyn is super hot and super cool. Yes, she’s a bit vain and a tad shallow, but she seemed real and she seemed to respect herself. She’s clearly not convinced that she and Jake could get married right away and live happily ever after sipping non-alcoholic daiquiris in his backyard gazebo in Denton. Oh, and since when is being attracted to another person cheating? Is the fact that Jake is busy sucking face with 14 other women, three of which he will sleep with (well, probably not Jake) in the fantasy suite before maybe possibly proposing a loose sort of engagement thing until the cameras go off and the real work starts lost on everyone but me? Good for you Roslyn, I’m just sorry I don’t get to look at you for the next 10 weeks. Harrison should ditch Jake and follow her and that production guy around for a few weeks. That would undoubtedly be more interesting. Getting booted from the house will be the best thing that ever happened to her. Don’t count her out of the After the Rose episode.

Jake almost cried when he found out. If there had been a balcony handy I’m certain he would have. Where are the flying metaphors now, big shot? After a 45 minute montage of Roslyn packing—which was far more entertaining than anything Jake said all night—we cut to the women with tears on their eyes, flabbergasted at Roslyn’s betrayal. What?

Hey, the hottest girl and your biggest competition just took herself out of the race. Did Maverick cry when Cougar lost it and turned in his wings giving Maverick a shot at Top Gun? Hell no. Jake then feels compelled to make a speech concerning the subject. Jake’s speech was to television what the Gettysburg Address was to television. He actually used the word “affair” to describe her conduct, proving that he’s just a delusional as the remaining women. Tenley hopes he doesn’t “put up a wall” now that he’s been “hurt.” No, Tenley, he won’t put up a wall. He IS a wall. Ali drops an “F her” with respect to Roslyn and we move to the rose ceremony where the biggest highlight was watching Michelle squirm like a fat kid on the playground waiting to be picked for kickball. Ashley lost with class and I was proud of her send off. I hope some deserving guy benefits from the flight attendant costume one day. Christina was booted and gets crushed by the giddy laughter of the remaining 10 women. You’re a sweet girl. Attractive too. Trim your eyebrows and take some self-actualization courses. You’ll be fine.

The remaining girls are Vienna, Gia, Tenley (my predition for the final three. It’s obvious), Ella, Alicia (or is it Felicia?), Corrie, Jessie, Ashley H., Michelle, and Cathryn. Tune in next week. I’m going motorcycle shopping.

The New Season Takes Off. . .Gag

Welcome back! After an all too long hiatus, I’m back in action as everyone’s favorite reality show, The Bachelor, launches another season. I was going to begin with a series of aeronautical metaphors and sexual innuendo but after watching the opening episode, it’s clear that there’s plenty of that to go around. So here we go. My take for the next 13 weeks begins now.

Alright, as predicted, Jake is the new bachelor. Because he’s a pilot—a fact that we are constantly reminded of—the new season has been christened “The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love.” Come on.

After lead in after lead in and Jake prancing around in his cute little flight shirt and spouting out things like, “I’ve been in the pilot seat most of my life,” and “my office is at 37,0000 feet,” and “flying is my art,” I literally almost abandoned the blog. “Flying is my art?” Really? The guy is a cargo pilot. That means he flies plane loads full of Chinese junk and rubber dog shit from Dallas to wherever. If that’s art, then this blog is the freaking Mona Lisa. Get over yourself, Jake. And just how many showers does this guy take every day? Seriously, Jersey Shore is more subtle. You’d think he was in a chemical spill.

At the beginning of the episode we are reminded of how Jake got kneed in the crotch last year by Jillian after being out played by Ed. Despite the humiliation, Jillian and Ed’s guest appearance on the show is touted with the standard “they’re still together” shots. Ed looked semi-drunk and contractually obligated. Jillian looked great in her Ann-Margaret dress but her nose was still big and her Canadian accent was still annoying. By the way, why is Ann-Margaret hyphenated?

We then see the gratuitous slow motion shots of a shirtless Jake jogging meaningfully down the beach searching for love beneath every grain of sand (since when is there a beach in Dallas?). Yes ladies, he’s strolling the streets of Dallas contemplating the woman of his dreams. “Oh, if she just appeared my life would be perfect,” Jake’s forlorn and contemplative look screams without saying a word. Yes, he’s walked his way through fire in search of love and, damn it, his pastel colored shirts and scruffy face let us know that. He’s ready for love. Enough already. We get it.

We are then subjected to a series of fake scenes of Jake completing some pseudo pre-flight check list in his cockpit. Please. We’re aware he’s a pilot. Jesus. The next shot is a perplexing one. For some reason we see Jake shirtless in his backyard with power tools constructing what appears to be a gazebo. A gazebo? Apparently, Jake wants teenagers to have sex in his backyard. Either that or he’s having a bake off for the 4th of July. Odd.

After reinforcing that Jake is a pilot from Dallas for another 5 minutes we see Jake looking a lot like Maxwell Caufield from Grease 2 riding his motorcycle down the PCH, presumably in search of love. I was waiting for Michelle Pfeiffer to pop out from behind a car and sing Cool Rider while Jake dodged oncoming thugs. No such luck. During his cycling sojourn for love we hear a voice over of Jake explaining how nice guys like him always finish last. We know. He’s too perfect. Too nice. Nice guys don’t finish last. Cheesy, shallow, insincere ones do, Jake. What a douche.

Look, in the interest of full disclosure, I was willing to let the water run under the balcony he cried over last season and give him another shot. I tried. I can’t stand his Tom Cruise-ish fake charm and stupid “I’m better than you” grin. I hope he picks a crazy one. Jake tells us that he’s looking for a fiancé. I swear I heard a lisp. (More about that later). We also get foreboding shots of him crying on an outdoor balcony—a harbinger of the “most dramatic season ever.” Well, at least until the next season. Incidentally, can someone use WebMD or Wikipedia to find out if crying on a balcony is an actual medical condition? His propensity to cry on balconies might be a medical problem as opposed to him just being a p word. I’m just sayin’.

Finally, Chris Harrison emerges looking swarmy as ever in a noticeably thinner and less colorful tie and black suit. Purple is the new black, but Harrison doesn’t follow the rules. Let’s face it the guy is Money. I wish I had his gig. In one of the two episodes where he actually has to work, Harrison pulls Jake aside for an awkward and forced one on one where Jake mentions his penchant for feeling lonely on “stormy Sundays.” Stop it, Jake.

FINALLY, we get to meet the ladies. I’ve summed them up below as best as I can recall and included their rose/no rose status. Feel free to print this and use it as an impromptu score sheet.

1. Ali—attractive but not too hot. She tells us she’s been dumped for video games and that her ex actually snuck into her roommate’s room to cheat on her while she was sleeping. Hey Ali, you’re bad in bed. Trust me. That’s the problem. Nonetheless, she greets Jake with a peacock feather. Stupid, yes. But props for not going with the flying metaphor. For the intellectuals out there, I’m sure you can appreciate the irony of the peacock being an essentially flightless bird. I’m certain that didn’t dawn on Ali, though. She became the second girl to fall on the first evening when she spirited Jake away for some “private” time. Apparently, someone put too much Everclear in the slut punch. She ripped her dress and laughed it off. It would have been more entertaining if she’d have screamed rape. She also drew the answer of the night when she asked Jake his top priorities. “God, family, friends,” was his answer. What about marriage, you moron? Classic. Despite forgetting her name when it was called, she got a rose.

2. Alexa—The producers need to check this one for an Adam’s apple. Her balls were clearly bigger than Jake’s. Her leather gloves were reminiscent of O.J. and she was about as feminine as Artie Lange. Normal guys are attracted to girls who ride on the back of motorcycles, not the ones who use them as their sole transportation. She scared me. No rose.

3. Tenley—We were treated to a montage of her dancing in a bikini on the beach telling us how she toured the world as Cinderella, Belle, and Ariel. God bless her. It’s moments like these when I love this show. The montage was the only thing more gratuitous than Jake’s shower scenes (all 15 of them). However, it was quickly obvious that Tenley’s IQ was only an eightly or a ninely. She was cute and seemed nice—just not bright. Still, she had the nerve to get Jake alone and ask for a kiss. Jake looked horrified. In looking at Jake she might as well have asked him to pee on her. Dude, lighten up—homo. She earned the first impression rose despite giving Jake cooties. Good for you, Tenely. Stupid is as stupid does.

4. Elizabeth—NORMAL, CONFIDENT, PLEASANT, ATTRACTIVE BUT NOT HOT. She was way too together to last. She probably would have melted down like copper in a smelter anyway. I was rooting for her. Alas, no rose.

5. Rozlyn—Oh, Rozlyn. She tells us that she’s “been a model forever—at least 10 years.” She is clearly the most attractive woman of the bunch and, oddly enough, seems to carry it well. I like her chances, but assume she’ll eventually get ejected like Maverick and Goose over the Pacific Ocean. I look forward to seeing her in Playboy. Of course, she got a rose. Not even Jake is that dense.

6. Christina—Note to Christina: leading with consolation prizes for the ladies and proclaiming “I’m going to win,” is never a good way to make friends. Even the vapid Jake could see through that and the women clearly hated her. Nice move, you type A bitch. My prediction is that they keep her around for awhile for the drama. She could be the new Wes Hayden. I believe it was Dave Barry who said, “a person who is nice to you but mean to the waiter is not a nice person.” Christina should read Dave Barry. She got a rose anyway.

7. Vienna—. She’s unemployed, which is odd considering she holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Interpersonal Organization and Communication from the University of Central Florida. Whatever. She tells us that she “loves life.” Translation: I drink a lot and I’ll sleep with anyone. I’ll look forward to seeing her from 1-5 at various auto shows signing her Hooter’s calendar. She got a rose.

8. Ashley—She’s an uninteresting teacher whose mom shops for her. Weird. She also showed up in a flight attendant uniform at the cocktail party. More weird. Actually, I take that back. That one is all about poor timing. She should have saved that outfit for the Fantasy Suite. Of course, it would have been wasted on Jake, but you get the point. Nice try, Ashley. Props for running full speed at the end zone. She also claimed to be earning her PhD. In what, desperation? Bravo, Dr. Ashley. You pass. She got a rose.

9. Elizabeth—She’s a nanny who has seen “the ups and downs of love.” I’ll bet. Despite teeing up a filthy comment for me, she’s cool. She’s my front runner. I know, her boobs are really fake, blah, blah, blah. She was easy going, very attractive, fun, and—pay attention female readers—did not ooze desperation. She brought a football and actually threw it better than Jake did. Despite the staged “football game,” I give her credit for standing out without making a fool of herself. I was so rooting for a rolled ankle or a torn ACL in that game. No such luck. Jake will probably be stupid enough to send her home for a much more shallow bimbo, but I liked her. She got a rose.

10. Ella—she’s the hairstylist from Tennessee who stole her 7 year old son’s favorite toy and gave it to Jake in hopes of guilting him into a rose. She makes Glenn Close look stable. Are you kidding me? You can dress it up in pumps and an evening gown but you can’t hide crazy forever. Oddly enough, she’s ranks a distant second on the crazy list this season. She got a rose.

11. Gia—First of all, that’s a stripper’s name. Strike one. She also had a hair lip (look closely). Strike two. She’s very attractive until she opens her hair lip. She’s what my friends and I would have called a “Dropped French Fry” in high school. It’s kind of dirty, but you’d still eat it. She’ll make it far because Jake’s a tool. Predictably, she got a rose.

12. Kimberly—NBA dancer with a doughy face and an outdated haircut. Oh, and she wears too much make up. She’s no Paula Abdul. No rose, no way.

13. Emily—Desperate FIT Model. It was harder to tell what was bigger: the gaps in her teeth or the gaps in her personality. She was clearly a dress filler. Sorry, honey. I’m sure you’re nice. No rose.

14. Tiana—31 year old who looks like an alcoholic Olivia Newton John. Too mature (notice I didn’t say old) and together for Jake to keep. She was, at best, semi-attractive and had chip on her shoulder. See ya. No rose.

15. Cailyn—She’s the pageant girl who proclaimed she was there to “dominate.” That makes no sense. I didn’t expect her to go far. No rose.

16. Kirstin—she’s the unassuming waitress from Colorado. I liked her but she seemed a bit shy. She could have been my sleeper. Why? She’s not as attractive as most of the other girls and doesn’t appear to have the confidence (read “attitude”) as some of the other girls. She’s a blue collar worker who probably doesn’t expect to have her ass kissed 24 hours a day. Any man—except a dial tone like Jake—appreciates those qualities. No Rose.

17. Michelle—she’s “ready to be a wife.” We quickly find out that she’s nuts with a capital U. Even Ed and Jillian seemed horrified. She was like a better looking, younger version of Kathy Bates in Misery. She’s an Office Manager. Clearly, she manages a Post Office. Jillian characterized her as “emotional.” Right, and the Grand Canyon is a hole in the ground. Ed said she was “over sincere.” Translation: she’s off the reservation. She’ll stick around at the producers’ insistence. She got a rose.

18. Jessie—again, a non-event. The best thing she did was to attempt to undermine Rozlyn by saying she doesn’t trust her and pulling out the “not here for the right reasons” card. Translation: Rozlyn is way hotter than me. I hate her. She’ll stick around for an episode or two. Jake will appreciate her attempt to “not here for the right reasons” another superior contestant considering what he did to Wes. She got a rose. Hmmm.

19. Catherine—She’s the air tramp. . .errrr. . . flight attendant that I don’t recall anything about other than the fact that she had an imaginary fiancé and had an imaginary ring to prove it. To be fair, I had an imaginary friend named Carl when I was little. We played a lot of games and—bless his heart---Carl would usually let me win. She got a rose and was way too excited about it. If you get to the end zone, act like you’ve been there.

20. Valisha (sp?)—She gave Jake some dirt from Texas. Boooooo! No rose.

21. Channy—Channy, Channy, Channy. Why make it so easy for me? She was the token minority that Jake’s vanilla self would obviously eliminate. She proclaimed her desire to give Jake a case of “Cambodian Fever.” I had that once after eating at this place in East Austin. I couldn’t sit for a week. In a classic Bachelor moment Channing wasn’t booted until she uttered a secret Cambodian (isn’t that Laos now?) phrase to Jake at the limo intro. We find out later that it means, “Jake, you can land your plane on my landing strip any time.” Wow. That just happened. For once, I shared Jake’s horror. That’s the dirtiest thing said on TV since June Cleaver said, “Ward, I think you were too hard on the Beaver last night.” The good news is that every pilot in America who’s not Jake will be asking her out. No rose.

22. Ashleigh—She’s the leggy (or is it Leighy?) one who showed off her baby maker before taking a staged fall into Jake’s arms at the introduction. My only regret is that Jake didn’t sidestep her and let her taste defeat. Oh well, it’s a long season. She got a rose.

23. Shelia—fellow pilot who showed up in fake Aviator sunglasses. Since when does sharing an occupation qualify two people to be married? Bad play, Shelia. Your chance at love has been delayed. (I had to get in just one aviation metaphor). No rose.

24. Stephanie—Note to Stephanie—Short evening dress plus pom pom coaching career equals tramp. Stick to ruining teenage girl’s self esteem by creating anxiety about their weight and appearance. No rose.

25. Corrie—she got a rose but did it under the radar. She’s cute but didn’t get any screen time. She might be the sleeper.

In sum, it was an interesting start to the season. There were 4 “amazings,” 2 “journeys” and 5 “absolutelys”—which is the new “amazing” which, of course, was last season’s new “journey.” There were 2 criers—not counting Jake. There were strained exchanges, awkward smiles, pathetic attempts for attention, and sufficient teasers to keep us interested. I, for one, am absolutely looking forward to an amazing journey this season. Fasten your seatbelts and stow away your baggage. I just hope there’s a barf bag on this plane.

DP

Pre-Season Bachelor Talk--Who Will it Be?

Alright, so I’ve been forced out of semi-retirement early by my “friends” who insist on f’ing around at “work” and sniffing the glue of internet fodder concerning the question on the tip of every American’s tongue: Who will be the next Bachelor?

I’ll humor all of you but, for the record, my prediction is that the show does what’s best and takes last season out behind the shed and beats it to death with a garden rake. True, there are three viable candidates left (five if you give Wes and Ed a chance to cheat again), but all three of them just don’t have the charisma to hold an audience’s attention for a full season. It would be like trying to dribble a half inflated basketball all the way down the court. The 15 minutes that Reid, Kiptyn, and Jake enjoyed should be left in its grave. There are plenty of other attention seeking, late 20’s-early 30’s, protein shake drinking, shirtless, outdoor running, chin-up in the park doing, d-bags in America looking to take a public “journey” in order to find a “connection” with a hot, desperate, emotionally damaged, gold digging, bulimic working in “Real Estate Sales” or “Fitness Training.” Did I mention gold digging? Let’s turn the page already. You hear me, Harrison? Turn. The. Freaking. Page.

With that out of my system, I will now present my hypothetical Bachelor pros and cons if Reid, Kiptyn, or Jake is selected.

1. Reid-- This guy seems like the most obvious choice to me. Why? Because he clearly demonstrated that he wants to be on the show. Over and over and over and over again he showed up like a bad rash trying to win Jillian’s heart away from two cheaters and a cheeseball but was turned down like a bed at a fancy hotel. They might as well have left a chocolate on his lapel. His last attempt to crash the final rose ceremony and propose to Jillian was-in a word-f*cking humiliating. He needs a chance to redeem himself—to rebuild his self confidence. Let’s face it, there are enough women out there who think this guy is bitchin’ and—based on the fact that they all write letters to Chris Harrison—Reid has a shot. UPSIDE: It was fun watching him get kicked in the balls twice last season. It would be fun watching him be indecisive and short again. He seems like a relatively nice guy despite the shots I take at him, and hell, if he’s volunteering they should let him give it the old college try. Maybe he can drop the hammer in the fantasy suite again. DOWNSIDE: He’s Chandler Bing. Literally. He’s anal, whiney, indecisive, and neurotic. Plus, we’d be reminded about how Jillian broke his heart and, frankly, I’m tired of hearing about her—well, at least until she and Ed announce their breakup.

2. Kiptyn-- Frankly, he seems like the most unlikely choice for me. Actually, every prediction I’ve made concerning reality shows has been wrong, but I have a feeling about this one—perhaps that’s just the cabbage I had for lunch. Why is he an unlikely choice? First, his controlling mom appeared to have enough last season when he brought Jillian home and she begrudgingly let her into the giant beachside mansion that her second husband bought to shut her up. Something tells me that what mom says goes. Do you think he voluntarily kept the name “Kiptyn”? Please. Once is enough and Kiptyn needs to go back to doing the fake job his step father created for him. He’s better off letting sleeping bitches lie. Second, the guy clearly wasn’t ready to get married last season. Oh sure, he proposed, but only after making it to the final ring thing and—I’m sure—a terse conversation with the show’s producers. Stay single, dude. It suits you. UPSIDE: He’s got good body (no, I’m not gay) and every female viewer would get to drool into her wine glass every time they showed him toweling off, running down the beach, or groping one of the chicks in a hot tub.

Incidentally, does anyone ever notice that the hot tubs are never turned on? I suppose it’s a sound issue, but the show is fake anyway. Can’t they dub that in later? I’d like my reality television to be a little more like reality. No one sits in a hot tub when it’s off. It’s too hard to pee.
DOWNSIDE: The guy has huge ears. Seriously, he looks like a Cadillac with the doors open. Also, he’s as dry as dry gets. We’d get sick of the forced conversation and repetitive jokes. Remember when he tried to flamenco last season? Disaster. He’s boring. Finally, his name pisses me off.

3. Jake-- I know by now most of you think this guy should be the guy. However, none of you have my prodigious insider connections. However, even without my insider connections, I still think this guy is the definition of “tool” and should just go back to Dallas and play in his cockpit. There should be a standing rule on the Bachelor that any guy who cries—no sobs—uncontrollably on the interior balcony of a hotel after he’s been kicked off the show by the person he’s crying over should never be allowed to be the next bachelor. Back to my insider connections. Word on the street says that Jake is a religious nut who has told more than one person that he believes that God wants him to be the next bachelor. Apparently, he believes that God wanted him to be on 7 shows last season, which is why he thought it was the right move that he return after his 6th show to rat on Wes with hearsay and conjecture about an alleged relationship Wes might possibly be sort of involved in . . .maybe. Wes literally received death threats and the alleged girlfriend did too. I guess Jake skipped over that whole “don’t bear false witness” stuff. Just to be clear, I have no problem if he’s religious. It’s comforting to know that the guy flying me from Dallas to wherever believes in being a good person. However, adding the “God wants us to be together” card to a mix of destiny references and “she’s an angel sent from Heaven” talk will get real old real fast. I’d be willing to put up with it, however, if I thought there was a chance of Wes showing up on one of Jake’s dates and revealing some sort of homoerotic modeling pictures Jake took in college. No such luck. UPSIDE: I’d have tons of new material. DOWNSIDE: I’d have to watch Jake all season.

Well, there it is. We will see what happens. In the meantime, don’t call me. I’ll be holding my breath.

Here Today, Gone to Tali. Luke Decides on More to Love

Oh my, what a season and what a finish. Luke made the big choice and popped the big question. The two hour finale of More to Love had some interesting moments and left us believing that fat people can find love too. (Did anyone actually ever doubt that?)

First, I’d like to apologize for putting this post up a day late. I had some deadlines to meet in the job I actually get paid to do. Speaking of getting paid, how in the hell did Emme justify collecting a paycheck for the show? Seriously. All she did the entire season was show up at the end of each episode, collect the rings in a bowl, and leave. I’m jealous. Johnny Carson works less than her . . . now. Props to her for coming out of obscurity and walking right back into it. I’m sure she’s putting in a pool as we speak.

As is customary, the finale began with a look at Luke’s “journey.” We had flashbacks of the limos arriving like train cars at a cattle auction, memorable moments from the season, and a voice over from Luke about making it to the final ceremony and choosing the new potential Mrs. Conoly. Tali talked. Malissa talked. We all became anxious. Our living rooms were inseminated with the seed of speculation and Americans engaged in spirited discourse about which curvy cutie would win Luke’s pre-arteriosclerotic heart.

Tali is first up to meet Luke’s family. Luke shows up to the park to meet Tali casually dressed in giant cargo shorts with his dog. Tali is appropriately dressed in “I’m meeting the family for the first time in a casual setting” attire but she fails to complete the standard “skip/run through the park and jump and wrap your legs around your potential future husband’s waist” move that Jillian and every size 2 Bachelor/Bachelorette female contestant is taught in reality show training. I guess there are some things that only skinny people should do.

Tali pretends she likes dogs and they walk romantically through the park to a pre-staged picnic where they discuss their feelings. I was going to ask why there is always food, but I believe that’s obvious. The tension on Luke’s face when Tali asks if her “background” will be an issue is thicker than the plaque in his arteries. Translation: Am I too dark and Jewish for your family? I’ll give Luke credit for addressing it like a man. He all but apologized for his dad who—as we will later see—took time out from his Arayan book club meeting to meet the potential future Mrs. Conoly. Luke informs us that his parents are divorced and that Tali will have the pleasure of meeting dear old dad first.

When they arrive at Luke’s dad’s house it is apparent that Luke is a tad embarrassed by his dad. Maybe it was just me but I sensed some issues between them. Luke is clearly a mama’s boy. Dad, who is already a couple of sheets in, seems to enjoy drinking and having people around. He hides his disdain for Jews and dark skin well enough to make it to the dinner table without starting a race war. Tali sneaks off in a pre-planned meeting with Luke’s grandmother who looks like the grandmother from the Beverly Hillbillies. She asks Tali a series of pre-production canned questions and does a poor job acting like she gets the entire reality show concept. Bless her heart. She’s an old lady. Maybe she can be on Too Old To Love as our first Widow-ette or whatever. At the dinner table Luke’s drunk dad draws a line in the sand by insisting on saying an overtly non-Jewish blessing over the food. Tali handles it appropriately and then gets grilled by the family about her “background.” Whatever. Luke eventually gets his dad to back off by dismissing his concerns and sort of sticks up for Tali. Disaster averted.

Malissa is next. For some reason they meet in a pool hall. Malissa proceeds to whip Luke’s large ass in a game of pool. Man, you’ve got to love a lady. What occurs next is baffling. They enjoy a light pre-dinner snack of pizza and beer. Luke confesses that he eats pizza a few times a week while Malissa only admits to eating it “about once a week.” Right. Once a week. That must be why she’s so dainty.

When they arrive at Luke’s dad’s house Luke’s dad commences hitting on Malissa by complimenting her “Irish eyes” and throwing a few beers down her throat. Luke should have just offered her to him and ended it right there. Malissa “loves” dad’s love for our Lord and Savior and expresses excitement when he asks permission to say grace at his own table. Give me a break. Luke looks clearly annoyed. His father actually drops a “well, the choice is pretty clear, isn’t it?” and Luke suppresses the urge to rip off his f*cking head by reminding his dad that the choice belongs to him. Luke’s dial tone of a brother offers a peacemaking suggestion that the decision is not as clear as Luke’s neo-Nazi father believes. I’m certain that moment was played out thousands of times during their childhood. Classic. I would have preferred a headlock or a “you were never much of a father!” blast, but Luke proved himself to be a real man. Frankly, he handled it better than I would have. After throwing down a few more beers with Adolf Conoly and another staged conversation with Granny Clampett, Malissa heads out confident that she’s got the ring in the bag. I’m sure she had a celebratory pizza when she got back to the room, you know, as a bedtime snack.

Just as I was bored to tears, it’s the girls' turn to meet mom. It’s clear that Luke trusts and respects his mom and—dare I say—is going to do exactly what she says. When she arrives at the house dressed in some sort of pinstriped judo uniform thing she resembles a fat Diane Keaton minus the leather gloves and self-importance. She seems a little cold and formal and it’s clear why she dumped Luke’s old man. Ironically, her name is Faith (more about that later).

Malissa begins sucking up like a newborn pig to a sow's belly and Faith clearly isn’t buying it. Finally, someone who can see past the force field of Malissa’s giant boobs. Malissa goes out of her way to sell herself and even refers to herself as a “main character” on the show. Luke looks pissed and does an awful job at poker-facing the remaining minutes of the show. The only one who doesn’t know Malissa is toast is Malissa herself. Tali plays it cool, is respectful, and watches Malissa seal her fate. Mom chops off the boobs of the dragon in her meeting with Luke when she makes it clear that she hates Malissa. She discusses Tali’s “background” and gives Luke some motherly advice about her potential future grandkids. Ironically, it was “Faith” that put them together. Oh, I love it.

The final dates are uneventful to the extent that we’ve seen it all before. Both girls drop the “L” word and Luke reciprocates. In the end, Luke ended up seeing through Malissa and her giant boobs and picking the non-believer Tali. Malissa was pissed off but eventually managed some fake tears in the limo.

As cynical as I am about these shows, Luke and Tali actually looked happy and sincere. I’m rooting for them. Bring on the Bachelor!

Luke Eats Some Pie . . .The Fatchelor Scores

More to Love was down to the final three this week and Luke narrowed his focus and laid on the charm. Well, not really, but it was a good lead in. With my attention distracted by the My Antonio train wreck I have to admit that my interest in this show is quickly losing steam. However, we’re down to the “big” finale next week and I’m committed to see it through.

This week the contestants were crated up and shipped off to Hawaii and treated to one on one dates with our Fatchelor, Luke. I really don’t understand the choice of venue. Didn’t we just see Jillian dismiss that alleged cheater Wes and move on to that real cheater Ed in Hawaii? Do we really need to be in Hawaii again? It brings back so many painful memories for me. I weep for Kiptyn and Reid like Jake wept on the balcony of the Hyatt in Austin. I’d like to see the final dates set in a place more conducive to fat white people like Wisconsin or Michigan, for instance. Nonetheless, Hawaii it is. Incidentally, Michigan is the only state in the country that classifies fat people as a protected class. You can actually sue someone in Michigan if you’re discriminated against for being too fat. You’re welcome for the trivia. Feel free to impress your skinny friends at cocktail parties with that little tidbit. Back to More to Love.

We begin with the first luau and realize yet another reason why this show should have been filmed in a more temperate place. Despite his incredibly fashionable Mexican waiter shirt and delicate linen slacks, Luke was sweating like a hooker in church. I half expected steam to come out of his ears. I began to believe my Frosty the Snowman analogy from last week. They could have at least put up an umbrella for the guy. Regardless, Luke is as charming as ever when he announces that the group dates are over and each woman will get the pleasure of a one on one date. Finally. Malissa grins knowingly, Tali smiles (I assume she could smile because the heat softened the ice in her veins), and Mandy raises her hands and let’s out a whoo hoo. In reality TV land this is known as foreshadowing. Mandy’s celebration is her Swan Song. It’s her Little Big Horn. Her ground war against the Russians in the dead of winter. Her sip of curdled milk after a night of binge drinking. Her dropped left hand in the 12th round of a title fight. Her double expresso in the car the morning after a big Mexican meal. You get the picture. I really wish she didn’t have to go out that way. If she could have tamed her insecurities, she might have won. Oh well. Someone has to get Jillian-ed here so she can get asked back to be the Fatchelorette. It might as well be Mandy. I liked her.

Malissa draws the first date straw and she and Luke are whisked away to play with the dolphins. That sounds like a lot of fun . . . unless you happen to be a dolphin. Apparently, the producers were able to summon the world’s strongest dolphin because it dragged Luke and Malissa across the marina like nobody’s business. I hope he got some extra whatever dolphins like to eat in exchange for pulling the heavy load. Apparently, Luke was too distracted by Malissa’s giant boobs to recall the fiasco of meeting her ball busting sisters the week before because Luke and Malissa again have the engagement/attraction/connection/future together talk followed by (big surprise) dinner. Upon looking erotically into each other’s eyes and espousing their physical attraction to one another, Luke drops the “dessert is in my hotel room” line and Malissa eats it up faster than she did her entrée. They presumably skip dessert (either that or they inhaled it so fast the camera could not catch it) and head directly for the bedroom for some full-sized lovin', touchin’, and squeezin’. I could have done without the smooching and moaning sounds but Luke seemed to be making adequate progress and presumably closed the deal. Good for him.

Luke appears the next morning unscathed from unhooking Malissa’s bra. My bet is that he needed an Allen wrench to undo that thing. Tali shows up to collect her sloppy seconds and Luke announces they are going on a boat ride. He’s excited about this he tells us because Tali was apparently in the Israeli navy. Huh? I’ll give Luke credit for trying, but we quickly learn that Tali’s biggest fear is the water. What the f*ck? Joining the navy and being afraid of water is like joining a sorority and being afraid of date rape. To make matters worse for Luke (who I haven’t felt this sorry for since his date with “I’m a fat virgin” Danielle), has to listen to how Tali is put off because she doesn’t like being in a swimsuit and hasn’t even been in the water since she was 12 years old. Between this and her Uncle Leo’s “her parents hate Christians” speech last week, you’d think Luke would be smart enough to push her off the boat. Nope. He patiently coaxes her into the water for some snorkeling. Props to Luke for putting up with the aggravation and congrats to Tali for facing her fears. Nice job. I still think she’s boring. Apparently, Luke doesn’t though because he’s beaming when he picks her up for dinner despite the poofy black weird looking dress thing she’s wearing. Luke again drops a version of “dessert is in my room” and she takes the bait. Tali makes a comment about facing her fears and saying that she’s not going to do what she normally does and she’s going to take a chance on love by going back to Luke’s room. Translation: I’m not usually a lascivious bimbo, but I will be to win this show. I’m certain her fun-hating parents will be none too happy. Good for you, Tali. Luke and Tali slosh around in the hot tub and talk about the future. As before, I could have done without the smooching and moaning sounds but Luke seemed to be making adequate progress and presumably closed the deal. Good for him.

After scrubbing his genitals and restocking his wallet with the final condom from his Trojan 3-pack, Luke meets Mandy for the final one on one date of the show. In Fredo-taking-a-boat-ride-esque fashion Mandy and Luke go four wheeling through the Hawaiian jungle, share a meal, and cordially smooch atop an outdoor mattress on a boat. Luke, who for some reason wore white Ted Knight like shoes and a white sport coat to dinner, is clearly uninterested but does his best to avoid the F-word (friend) in his interview. The ring ceremony goes off without a hitch. Emme shows up looking like a construction barricade in orange, collects the rings in the bowl, and leaves to join the crew at the buffet. Luke quickly nails the coffin containing Mandy’s dreams shut when he gives the first ring to Tali. Malissa and her boobs are next to collect their ring and Mandy is left whoo-hoo-less and rejected. Luke looks unapologetic, Mandy looks upset, and Malissa and Tali learn they get to meet the big guy’s family.

All in all it was a telling episode. Luke won't have to go to a Hawaiin drugstore to buy more condoms and he eliminated an obstacle to his happiness. Next week is family week and then the big final decision. My money is on Tali to win because I think Luke’s family will see through Malissa and pick the less of two evils. I suppose it’s better to marry a water-fearing non-believer than a child-hating leech. We’ll see what happens.

Family Matters on More to Love

The next installment of More to Love and I have to admit that I’m thinking of scrapping this show and going with My Antonio or Toddlers and Tiaras, both of which are horrifying for different reasons. More to Love is droning on like a swim in a pool filled with sour cream and Luke is one step closer to making his “big” decision. This week was no different from any other week. There was some drama, some crying, some references to being picked on for being fat, some dates, and food . . . plenty of food. We saw Luke’s boobs and we heard his usual banter about finding a confident woman and wanting a family. The girls began to stress about making it to the final four. As if that wasn’t enough pressure, we were introduced to their “families” and reminded why most of them have weight problems to begin with. There was more judging than an episode of Dance Fever. Let’s begin.

We start with the usual recap of the recap and are reminded that Anna, Tali, Malissa, and Mandy all made it to the final four for . . . well, that’s not really apparent. Tali kicks off the one-on-one dates by accompanying Luke to a bumper car ride. What? Bumper cars? Apparently, most of the budget on this show is spent on the buffet for the contestants. While Jason and Molly are running around in New Zealand zip-lining all over the place, Luke and Tali get a ride to Games People Play. It’s bad enough they don’t get to leave town, but they have to cram themselves into tiny cars and drive in a circle. I’d be pissed off it that was my date. Nonetheless, Luke makes the most of it and Tali’s competitive side comes out when she makes it a point to win the race. I’m certain it had something to do with the fact that Luke’s chassis was scraping the ground the entire way; but hey, a win is a win and Tali seems as happy as Tali can pretend to be.

Over a Coke in a Styrofoam cup (again, nice budget), Tali and Luke look knowingly into each others’ eyes and pretend to have a conversation. To be fair to Luke, if you placed a lump of coal up Tali’s ass, you’d have a diamond in about a day. He was clearly trying. We then get the news that Luke has set up a big surprise and that he’s brought Tali’s Aunt and Uncle to surprise her. Upon seeing her Uncle Leo she looks directly at the food he has in his hands and doesn’t recognize him because she was too distracted by the food. This stuff is impossible to make up. Let me restate that: Tali was too distracted by the presence of food to recognize her family. Unbelievable. After Uncle Leo and Aunt Whatever give her forced hugs, the beatings begin. Now let me say this. I understand that not everyone is thrilled with the reality show format and not everyone believes that “finding love” or “establishing a connection” or “going on a journey” is possible in a contained environment with 25 women, 1 man, and dozens of cameras and production people running around shouting directions. Fair enough. BUT, if you’re going to agree to go on the show don’t pee all over it. Upon meeting Luke for the first time, Uncle Leo quickly launches into a diatribe about what a couple of Israeli pricks Tali’s parents can be. The guy was a buzz kill. The producers could have at least given Luke some cotton candy or one of those giant turkey legs to gnaw on while being castigated. Seriously, Joan of Arc was treated better by the English. The look on Luke’s face was along the lines of “this a-hole will never be my brother-in-law.” Tali was equally as horrified but exhibited sufficient Stockholm Syndrome by explaining away her parent’s bigotry and obsession with controlling their daughter. Strike one.

Luke dumps Tali off back at the stable and picks up Mandy for her date. Before he does, we cut to a shot of Malissa and her giant boobs and Anna sitting outside of Mandy’s room asking her questions about Luke. Now remember, Mandy melted down like a stick of butter last week when jealously reared its ugly head and Kristian fanned the flames. Mandy seemed to be rallying this week after her voluntary women’s room lockdown, but quickly reminded us just how close to the edge she’s teetering when she again locked herself in the bathroom after Malissa and her boobs began asking too many personal questions about her feelings for Luke. Malissa and her boobs can be really mean sometimes.

After recovering, she meets Luke on the steps where he just dumped Tali and her emotional scars and off they go to have dinner on the boat docked at the marina where Heather puked in the water, Danielle announced that she’s a fat virgin, and Luke got slathered with suntan lotion like mayonnaise on a Subway sandwich. Again, nice budget. Mandy’s parents are waiting on the boat. Her dad looks like a less hairy Bela Karoly and her mom is about half her height. We never learn how Mandy got so tall, but we certainly learn how she got so crazy. Upon being asked if their daughter is ready for marriage Mandy’s parents proceed to make Uncle Leo look like the life of the party. Mandy is sufficiently annoyed and Luke is again defeated. At least he had food and alcohol this time. Strike Two

Luke shuffles Mandy back to the mansion as quickly as he can and returns to his hut to prepare for his date with Anna. Anna tells us that she grew up a tomboy and that she’s looking forward to bowling with Luke. No, that’s not a euphemism. He literally intends to take her bowling. Anna proves she’s a tomboy by showing up to the date dressed like a boy. She and Luke ham it up at the bowling alley. Luke shows off his lack of bowling skills and Anna wipes the lane with him. Shortly after that, Anna’s parents show up. Apparently, her parents went to high school with Abe Lincoln because they are a collective 360 years old. Luke again seems unimpressed when they squash his hopes for family approval by stating that Anna is not ready for marriage. I’ll go ahead and call this one Ball One. At least they didn’t completely ruin her only hope of bagging a man . . . or did they?

Fortunately for Luke, he had the opportunity to handle bowling balls on his date with Anna because his next date was with Malissa. Her boobs literally could not be bigger. It’s impossible. Malissa approaches Luke with her confidence and attitude. She’s clearly comfortable in her skin and Luke seems impressed. She did look pretty. We find out that Luke is taking her to—where else—a restaurant for dinner and a wine tasting. When they arrive the sommelier (which is French for snooty person who refills my wine glass) blindfolds them for a wine tasting. The blindfold is a ruse and Malissa’s sisters emerge from hiding to sit at the dinner table. Malissa looks horrified at their presence, Luke looks put off, and her sisters…well, let’s start with her sisters.

The dark-haired sister looks like a lower rent Kardasian sister who has been hidden in the background like Rose Kennedy. The “blond” sister looks like the love child of Rod Stewart and Amy Winehouse. Actually, Amy Winehouse looks like Liz Taylor circa 1955 compared to Malissa’s sister. The bitterness between her and Malissa is palpable. At one point, it was so thick, Luke actually tried to spread butter on it and eat it. We learn from her sister that Malissa refuses to babysit her 4 year old nephew—an issue more raw than the inside of Luke’s thighs after a jog on the beach. Malissa explains it away by saying that she “doesn’t like other people’s kids.” Translation: My sister is a white trash meth addict who lives in a shack down the street with her 5th boyfriend since giving birth and I refuse to do her a favor because I hate her.” She quickly reassures a terrified looking Luke that “it will be different” with her kids. Translation: “I hate kids but I really want to win this show.” Luke, is visibly annoyed at the ball busting he’s being made to endure at the hands of the crimped and Clorox bleached hair of Malissa’s sister. In an attempt to go for the jugular, Luke asks how the girls would feel if he proposed to Malissa. They scoff at the prospect and the producers do their best to edit out the hostility. Malissa gives her sisters a fake hug and proceeds into damage control with Luke. I’ll give her credit for embracing the denial. Luke again looks horrified. Strike Three.

After going back to the house, Malissa announces that Luke asked the proposal question and rampant speculation begins. Mandy tears up but manages to keep it together enough not to Heather herself out of the show. Malissa sits back calmly displaying her enormous hooters and Tali contemplates the fact that after begin lambasted by Uncle Leo’s negativity like a ham with a jar of honey Luke might consider her a “difficult choice” in the ring ceremony. You think? Emme, who actually amazes me by collecting a paycheck for doing less than Chris Harrison, arrives with the ring bowl, states the obvious, and leaves to hit the Sizzler. Luke ultimately eliminates Anna because he bought into her parents’ assertion that she’s not ready for the big commitment. It turns out they did ruin her only hope of finding a man after all. The remaining girls get the news that they’re headed for Hawaii (more bathing suits?) to complete the hunt for Luke’s dream girl. I can't wait.