Sunday, March 17, 2013


Hello, Readers!  As usual, DP is traveling for work this week.  Normally, that's a sign that nothing will be posted until I return home.  However, writing in the off-season does not require sitting through a two hour "Journey for Amazing Love" during the most incredible and controversial season ever.  So, let's kick off the off season the right way.  Here's what I need.  

Questions, suggestions, and ideas about a blog post you'd like to see.  I have something special in the form of two posts for the wedding, so I've got that covered.  Stay tuned.  In the meantime, comment, email, or tweet and I'll take that clay and sculpt it into something fun. 

Happy St. Patrick's Day, by the say.  I'd end with my traditional holiday "How do you get a  ---- pregnant" joke, but the "Leprechaun" below looks like she'll likely get that part taken care of in the very near future.  We'll talk soon.  DP

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Bachelor Sean: FINALLY, the Big Finale

Hello, Readers. Welcome once again to the end of yet another Bachelor season. With Sean engaged to his best guess after globetrotting in a wine haze for the past two months and the rest of the Bitter Betties squirming to resuscitate their bed-ridden 15 minutes of "fame," I offer you my humble assessment of the goings on.


Obviously, I haven't given you my two cents (or is it sense?) regarding the Women Tell All yet. I'm aware of that because some of you were kind enough to "remind" me of it via Twitter (@SomeGuyinAustin). All I can say is that I'm giving it the old college try. Like Lindsay in a math exam, I'm struggling to do my best. I'll mix in my thoughts below.


This is also the time of year when I regrettably lose half of my Readers until the next time I play dancing monkey in a bellman's costume in May when the Bachelorette begins. Incidentally, I'm curious how much cash Fleiss is going to shell out to Desiree's brother to keep his tattooed trap shut during the hometowns. I predict an incredible change in attitude, but we'll see how it goes. We will have to wait and see how Des polishes up during Bachelorette School. She's no Eliza Doolittle. Then again, Eliza Doolittle didn't have an as*hole for a brother.


In a break from tradition, I won't chronologically walk us through the big finale; rather, I’ll list my thoughts.  Why the break?  Some Guy just spent a few days in New Orleans and, frankly, I’m just now regaining the ability to form a complete thought.  My “notes” were a bit hazy, rendering them about as useless as a left handed glove in Sarah’s apartment.  Let’s get to it. 


We begin with redundancies upon redundancies after Harrison and his naked wedding ring finger remind us that only Catherine and Lindsay remain standing.  Then we recap the recap of the previous recaps of the recaps of the other episodes and their recaps.  I felt like I was going to the theater to purchase a ticket for a Kevin Costner’s Waterworld or The Postman:  I knew I’d be there for three hours and that the vast majority of that time would be a redundant, self-indulgent mess.  Was it just me or did everyone utter something to the effect of “enough already?” 


A word about Lindsay:  Like Sarah, I know I haven’t always dealt Lindsay a fair hand this season.  Let’s begin with my initial description of her after the head shots were posted and before Episode One.


Lindsay—Another favorite—She’s the “party starter” with the best head shot.  Her horrible date story is that she once got set up with “an old man”.  He was totally like almost 40.  She’s hot and fun.  PREDICTION:  Top 5.


Man, I’m good.  Unfortunately for Lindsay, I think the last sentence summed it up for Sean as well.  Lindsay was innocent, uncomplicated, and horny.  Those are wonderful qualities for any 24 year old to have; however, they don’t translate into “wife” over the course of a 30 day “relationship.”  Lindsay proved herself to be consistent, fun, and actually did a bang up job on the Meet the Family segment (minus the painful attempts to answer Sean’s creepy Dad’s canned questions).  More about that guy and his vibrant pink undershirt later. 


From the “uh, I’m gonna go now,” to the “just stop talking,” and her abrupt and, dare I say, symbolic removal of her high heels prior to crossing that dangerous bridge (also an obvious attempt at symbolism), her departure was epic.  She took it on the chin in a respectable manner and left with her dignity in tact.  She wasn’t bitter and bitchy like that bitter bitch Deanna Pappas after Womack gave her the stiff arm when she thought she’d be donning the Neil Lane on her left ring finger.  Granted, I’m sure that stings like cayenne pepper in the eyeballs, but immediately skipping the Denial stage of the ole Kubler-Ross Five Stages of Grief Model and bee lining full speed into the Anger stage with no intention of hitting the other three stages is not a flattering decision with the cameras planted squarely on your wrinkled face.   


To borrow a word from my good friend Lincee Ray (, Sean looked like the Chach in that whole Lindsay scenario.  I think we all felt sorry for her.  She looked freaking great in her silver dress too. Granted, she put a few dings in the aforementioned dignity when she continued to ask “why” on the ATFR segment, but hey, she’s young and she probably couldn’t think of anything else to ask Sean.


Speaking of drawing a blank, that’s exactly what I did when Sean followed up “my heart is somewhere else” with “I love you” while simultaneously dropping the guillotine on Lindsay’s (immediate) dreams.  Dude, bad idea.  I once had a college girlfriend tell me the same thing after attempting to explain to me why she felt obliged to cheat on me (six times) by offering “because you weren’t there.”  The words “I love you” weren’t exactly comforting.  In fact, I would have rather have been catheterized.    


What’s more is that Sean was moments (in the editing world, of course) from proposing to the olive-skinned, gold clad, love of his life.  How freaking awkward do you think it was in that apartment with the two of them sitting there eating take out watching the finale together when that scene showed up?  Let’s hope they ordered pizza instead of Chinese.  The last thing Sean needed in that moment was for Catherine to be holding a set of pointy chopsticks in her dominant hand when that scene hit the flat screen.


In the end, Lindsay (and Catherine) was indeed consistent from start to finish.  She showed up drunk in a wedding dress and continued to be the same from Episode 1 until she got the axe.  She stayed out of the drama, although I suspect that was more out of an inability to compete with the likes of Tierra and the other the Type A’s circling around Sean than a conscious decision to abstain from the pettiness.  That’s six in one, a half dozen in the other, however.  I’ve never been nor do I intend to be the Bachelor but I’d hazard a guess that drama free and consistent stand out like the moon in the desert sky when juxtaposed against irrational and hyper-competitive during this “journey.”  Lindsay will be well on her way to getting back in the saddle before she hits the quarter century mark.    


A word about Catherine:  Initial description after head shots and prior to Episode One. 


Catherine—My initial reaction upon clicking the forward arrow on my screen and seeing her picture come up was, “she’s cute.”  That’s not a word I use often; however, I think it is the perfect one here.  Pleasant face, pleasant smile.  Rather than going with Oprah (or Adele), Catherine chose the more vague, infinitely inclusive “anyone who can look beyond themselves and unselfishly help others” for her Who do you admire answer.  Presumably combining a trip to her half-homeland with her bucket list, she tells us that she wants to ride an elephant in Thailand.  If she plays her cards correctly, she’ll likely get to ride a beefy albino in Dallas.  Now that’s what I’d call a happy ending.  PREDICTION:  She’s either certifiably crazy or she’ll make it to the Fantasy Date.


Man, I’m still good.  Catherine, although a bit more involved in the tussles than Lindsay, also proved to be consistent.  She also appeared to be the only one of the girls who approached the show with some reasonable goals in mind and actually kept her head down (not literally, of course) long enough to earn the big win.  She (understandably) began to crack a bit under the pressure of the waiting game between the final date and the final rose ceremony.  However, I think that’s understandable from someone as obviously competitive as she proved to be.  A slight lack of control is one thing, but zero control for a person cut from that cloth is a lot to manage. 


Let me also right a wrong.  All season long I have mistakenly referred to Catherine as Thai.  That’s not a lack of sophistication on my part.  I’m well aware that there are different kinds of “Oriental” people.  Please spare me the politically correct emails clarifying that “people are Asian, rugs are Oriental.”  I get it.  My mistake came from the place in her profile where she referred to riding an elephant in Thailand.  I somehow got it in my head that she was Thai and no Filipino as many of you were kind enough to point out to me.  It’s a damn good thing General MacArthur didn’t make that mistake.  Even Some Guy is not infallible . . . well not all of the time. 


For the record, in light of all the brouhaha surrounding Benedict XVI’s big resignation I think it’s worth noting that he papal doctrine of infallibility doesn’t extent indefinitely into every utterance from the Pope’s mouth.  Rather, it is limited to very narrow circumstances and must be “invoked” by the Pope himself.  After all, he’s not Harrison for crying out loud.  I do find it ironic that a German pope chose to surrender his position.  Let’s hope they don’t elect a French guy next time or we’re likely to find ourselves in the same position. 


Annnnyyyyhoooo . . .    


My guess is that a lot of the chemistry between Sean and Catherine occurred off camera.  There were a lot of allusions to conversations and moments alone on the final show that I didn’t recall seeing during the season.  Catherine played just-hard-enough-to-get right up until decision time and that (I believe) proved to be the difference between Lindsay’s let’s make out until you marry me approach.  I’m not sure she’s the right pick for Sean, but then again, I’m not the one who has to be sure.  Good for her and good for him.  Their future spats will be nothing compared to the fights the 46 chromosomes will have inside Catherine’s fallopian tubes trying to decide which genes will be dominant before splitting indefinitely to create their offspring.  “Nordipino” is probably a term we will hear in about 9 months from now. 


A word on Tierra


F her.  Yes, I realize that’s a letter plus a word, but it’s difficult to articulate my feelings for her without succumbing to the temptation to elaborate.  God bless that poor bastard who shelled out a hell of a lot more than three month’s salary for that giant rock on her spoiled little ring finger.  God bless him twice if he earns enough in three months to pay for that thing.  He’ll likely be signing documents giving her half of it in the near future.  You could almost feel the envy (and the hatred) steaming off the stage of ex-contestants when she flashed that thing to Harrison while in the hot seat. 


Tierra is a classic spoiled brat and she acted like it through the WTA episode.  It’s always someone else’s fault.  She’s a victim.  She’s misunderstood.   It’s not her problem if blah, blah, blah.  Me, me, me, me, me, me, me.  She’s young, but she’s old enough to act like an adult.  Perhaps the figurative weight of that literally heavy ring will teach her that lesson.  My money is on “hell no” but stranger things have happened.  Good riddance.  I feel sorry for her wedding planner. 


A word on Sean’s Family


Alright, where do I start?  Apparently, there’s a very popular store somewhere close to Kensington and Smith’s giant playhouse in Dallas that specializes in neon clothing.  Electric blue tank tops, bright pink v-necks, vibrant orange blouses, and emerald green shorty shorts were obviously on sale the week before the whole fam damily packed their sh*t for Thailand. 


I haven’t even addressed the watch selection.  What in the world was Sean wearing with his blue tank top?  That watched looked like a sweatband.  For a minute, I thought he’d taped his wrists prior to his morning Bowflex workout and just forgot to remove it.  His dad’s watch was gigantic too.  Between him, Sean, and Harrison they probably split the cost of an extra suitcase on Thai Airlines or whatever.  Hellen Keller could have read that watch.  Aww, Phuket. 


Sean’s mom was all Dallas:  Done up, reserved with a tinge of poorly hidden judgment, and well-taken care of for a women her age.  She proved to be a good team player, though, and out of the whole family, I liked her the best.  Her concerns were in the right place and she did a nice job voicing them in spite of the three cameras surrounding her and Sean.  Sean clearly respects his mother and that’s a must for any woman in search of a husband to put on her list of must haves.  As I said early in the season, Sean’s a decent guy.  I just found him a bit vanilla. 


Sean’s dad was sincere but, man, was he odd and creepy with both Lindsay and Catherine.  I’ll chalk that up to “trying too hard to stay on script and do well on the show” but I’m afraid I can’t do much to rehabilitate his wardrobe choices.  My guess is that Sean’s sister picked them out right after Kensington and Smith’s personal clothier announced that they were packed for Thailand. 


Sean’s sister.  Speaking of ALL Dallas.  Look, I know that Dallas is a big town and I have to admit that as a current Austinite who grew up in Houston, I’m not exactly fond of it there.  Sue me.  HOWEVER, if a Dallas stereotype exists, she’s it.  One of you was kind enough to send me her Mommy blog. 

For those of you who don’t know what a Mommy blog is, that’s what women with school-aged children and nanny’s who come to “give them a break” from the arduous tasks of everyday motherhood for the non-school aged ones write when they’re not busy boutique shopping, drinking chardonnay at lunch, or working out at the club before hitting the spa and then driving the Range Rover home and ordering dinner for the family.    


Look, there’s nothing wrong (at all) with being a stay-at-home mother.  In fact, that’s admirable.  However, there is something wrong with patently rubbing your "wonderful" life in everyone’s faces.  She's the type that updates her Facebook status wtih obnoxious pictures of her kids in some far off Ritz Carlton with a comment about how "blessed" she is.  I’m sure she’s a nice person, but the outfits, the attitude, and the fact that her husband looked like an emasculated chew toy at her beck and call ruffled my usually unruffleable feathers.  Let’s not even mention the f*cking pretension dripping from her children’s names.  Those sound like names of shotguns, not children.  “Honey, I’m going dove hunting next weekend.  Have you seen my 20-gauge Kensington or my 12-gauge Smith in the shed?”   By the way, I know the Texans on this blog will laugh at that joke.  I'm hoping the others will too.   


I’ll bet she tries to turn this into her own show about  . . . whatever it is she’s good at.  You know she watches The Pioneer Woman and scoffs at how much better she'd be at it.  It was clear to me who wore the neon shorts in that family.  She also looks a lot like that ex-girlfriend that used to cheat on me too, although I'm certain that has nothing to do with my overt hostility toward her and her upper crust suburban lifestyle.  Mommy blog, my ass. 


A Final word on the Season


This season was very stressful for me.  Between my professional life and my (not so) private life, I’ve had more going on this year than in the past few years combined.  That’s a good thing, but some things have had to suffer as a result.  I’m afraid I can’t call this season my best work but writing creatively (if that’s what we call this) always provides me with a welcome escape and your feedback is like water into thirsty soil to me.  I hope you found some gems hidden in the dirt pile.


I’m not certain what fate lies ahead for the newly minted engagement of Catherine and Sean.  However, I believe the feelings they shared on the last episode were genuine and that always makes me smile a bit.  I honestly wish them and the rest of these folks I’ve been abusing for the past 10 weeks the best of luck in their lives.  Perhaps they’ll look back on this fondly or perhaps they’ll look back and wonder why.  It was good to see some truly decent people on the show this season.  We’ll have to wait until the Bachelor Pad to ferret out the closet sluts.       


Finally, I’d like to send a special (and sincere) apology to Sarah.  I have to confess that those jokes probably crossed the decency line; if not in quality then certainly in quantity.  She’s a lovely woman who will eventually find someone to unconditionally love her.  Being a really decent person is impossible to fake and it was clear that she has a lot to offer that certain someone.  The good news is that now that she’s been on the show, her options will exponentially increase.  Let’s just hope that no one approaches her and asks her for her digits.


See you in the off season.  I'll be posting about my pending nuptials and the entire process from a male perspective.  It should be interesting.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be washing out my brain with soap.  DP