Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Bachelor Chris Episode 4: Ashley I. Gets Jaded

 Amazing Count 74
Journey Count 16

Hello, Readers.  Week 4 and I have to admit, even with a dolt of a Bachelor, a couple of virgins, a schizophrenic, an all expenses paid one-way trip to Iowa, and a couple of drunk Canadians, it’s shaping up to be a hell of a season.  The entire thing sounds like the sucker-bet showcase on The Price is Right.  You know, the one with the tent and the bar-b-que grill and not the jet ski and the trip to Aruba.  Some Guy observed a lot this week and, based on the feedback I’ve gotten so far, it appears a male point of view is in high demand. 

We have a lot to sort out.  Let’s get to it. 

Thankfully, a solo Chris Harrison is back in his customary “I stopped caring a few seasons ago” untucked oxford and designer jeans.  With baited breasts the women listen intently has he resets the whole show after the havoc Kimmel’s guest spot caused last week.  

He drops the “stakes are high” speech, the 2 Group but 1 solo date news, and parts with the date card before heading to the ABC Production Tent for a stiff mimosa and an even stiffer paycheck.  Oh yea, he artfully mixed in the fact that Chris’ three sisters will be swinging by to interview the ladies and make a special pick for a special date.  The women sat there drooling like a pack of Pavlov’s dogs.

First date card.  “Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley I., Ashley S., Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie, and Kelsie.  Let’s do what feels natural.”  Seemed simple enough.  What followed was a confusing series of nervous hair flattening, primping, extension fixing, and caking on the make up.  Naturally. 

Look, I’ve alluded to the fact that this post is going to be heavy on the guy advice.  Here’s the first little bit of it.  But first, a comment, then a clip.

Look, I don’t know what it is about y’all and this show, but what often seems patently obvious to me as a man might as well be black crayon on a chalkboard to the female readers.  I often get “my husband agreed with you” comments and emails.   Of course he did, he’s a man.   We’re like Matt Damon in The Legend of Bagger Vance.  We see The Field. 

(Start around 3:00)  See the Field

The Field for Date One?  Let me explain. 

Chris is from Iowa.  He’s not looking for buttonless cut off jeans, hair extensions, and a lot of complaining about bugs, muddy water, and sleeping in a tent.  The paddle boards, rafts, kayaks, and the remote location are all window dressing.  He’s looking for someone who can be spontaneous, adapt if out of her comfort zone, and someone who is drama free. 

No vodka?  How about a beer? 
No toilet paper?  How about peeing in the river?
No shower?  How about roughing it for 12 hours?

These entire dates, obstacle courses, and twists are all designed to weed out the drunks (Tara, Jordan), nut jobs (Ashley S.), Type A over-competitive Types (Jillian, Organ Saleswoman) and complainers (Ashley I., Kelsie).  Why is that so difficult to see?  

It’s not like it’s not working either.   It’s been textbook.  Look who is ahead right now.  Jade, Kaitlyn, Carly, Samantha, and Becca.  I’ll break these down, but what do all of them have in common?  They’re simple, interested in what he has to say, and go with the flow.  They’re on his radar because they’ve been flying under it.  More about this later.  Jade’s date vs. Jillian’s date should be a case study for all women looking to land a dude . . . or turn one off so badly he’ll lose your number before you get home and take off your extensions. 

Classic convertibles take Chris and the Group Daters to a retention pond somewhere east of the mansion.  Ashley I. immediately begins to stress about telling Chris that she’s never been banged like a screen door in a hurricane.  Kaitlyn drops her suit bottoms and Kelsie complains . . . and complains . . . and complains. 

She actually referred to the location as a “hellhole.”  Notwithstanding the stupidity of that comment, I’m certain there were a whole bunch of America’s finest watching from a hovel in Afghanistan who likely took exception to that.  Even the bees were sick of it.  She got stung on the crotch after referring to the entire date as “questionable”.  Funny, I said the same thing about Chris’ choice to keep Ashley S. around last week. 

After a non-competitive game of Red Rover, Ashley I. and Mackenzie let the art of tent assembly get the better of them.  Under Kaitlyn’s leadership, Megan overcame her prodigious bosom and lack of a brain and managed to get her tent assembled.  Good Lord.

Kaitlyn, how do we put this tent together?  If I only had a brain. 

After Kelsie’s “I’m bloated and my boobs hurt and I need a Midol” day at the campsite, we begin to get the “she’s fake” talk that we all know will inevitably lead to the dreaded “right reasons” accusations in the weeks to come.  I was waiting for this season’s Wes Hayden to arrive.  It appears Kelsie is this season’s bad guy. 

As Ashley I. made sure her lip gloss was thicker than her eyelashes, the other Ashley proceeded to go all Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde on the bunch again.  She’s a Strange Case, indeed. 

Kaitlyn dropped enough one-liners about her to meet the Crazy Joke quota and Chris finally seemed scared enough to make a mental note to leave her roseless this week.   She actually mixed in the word “love” before disappearing into the darkness like Bigfoot . . .  a crazier, skinner, more desperate version of Bigfoot. 

After fixing the cake icing on her face, Ashley I. has a Clare moment and decides to “sneak” into Chris’ tent while he’s “sleeping” . . . like all guys do, in his vest, shirt, and jeans . . . to talk vaguely about the status of her hymen and her overwhelming feelings.  Right.  She plans on telling him that she’s a virgin who’s never had a boyfriend but apparently opted for what looked like attempted CPR.

“Can you imagine what would happen if you woke me up on a camping trip in the Hill Country in my own tent to talk about your feelings?” I said to the Mrs. 

Response?  Laughter followed by a pause and a “poor Ashley.” 

Exactly.  Know your audience, Ashley.  She might as well have waited until the Superbowl and began texting him her feelings. 

“I’m a virgin who’s never had a boyfriend”?  Wow.  Keep selling, Ashley I.  To a 31 year old, formerly engaged guy looking to bring a woman back to Iowa that’s a lot of aggravation he doesn’t need.  The only reason to marry a virgin after age 30 is to avoid criticism.  She’s more insecure than the other Ashley’s grip on reality. Just wait until she finds out where Iowa is.

You know what they say, Ashley I.  A really good makeout session will make your whole week, but really good sex will make your hole weak.  Keep up the act and Chris will see you as nothing more than a sex object:  Every time he asks for sex, you object.  The upside for her, of course, is that virginity can be cured.   Unfortunately, stupidity can’t.  

Fun Fact:  Lincee ( Ray will laugh hysterically at that last paragraph, feel guilty about it, and then refuse to give me the satisfaction of telling me she found it funny which, of course, is twice as funny to me than if she'd just admit it in the first place.   

Moving on. 

Kaitlyn got the date rose and admitted she was drunk.  Take notes:  cool girl who can hold her liquor and maintain her sense of humor without the “I’m a virgin” schtick who doesn’t mind camping for a night.  By the way, those 4 things will get you a Princess Date (and maybe a Neil Lane ring) more times than fake eyelashes and fake virginity will.    

Mansion.  Jillian napped with her black box at the pool.  A paint the nails party ensues between Becca, Jade, Whitney, and Carly and, unfortunately, Chris’ sisters show up before the pillow fight starts.  Jillian gets an opportunity to put on some clothes.  She sorta takes it.     

This is what we do at all sleepovers!  

Chris’ sisters seemed nice enough.  I liked them when they were known as Wilson Phillips but was glad to see they could still find work.  The girls interview with Jade scoring major points with her low-key approach and her Nebraska roots.  More insight.

Whitney—she was nice but too rehearsed and uptight.  She always looks like she’s on the way to a Junior League function and it’s apparent—in spite of her ‘wedding crash’—that she can’t relax.  Incidentally, do you know why Junior League women never attend orgies? 

Too many thank you cards to write. 

You’re welcome.

Becca seemed comfortable.  I like her and she scores major one-on-one points but she’s shy and a tad boring in the group setting.  I still think she’ll go far if she gets a one-on-one, but she didn’t dazzle Chyna, Carly, and Wendy. 

Britt fakes it.  They saw right through it.  She should Hold On For One More Day.  Doncha know, things will change.  Things will go her way if she holds on for one more day.  

Carly tells her “men abused me” story and wants Chris to be like her Grandpa.  I have to admit that she’s endeared herself to me the past couple of weeks but even for Iowa the grandpa line was a little creepy. 

Artichokes!  Date card.

“Jade, your presence is requested at a royal ball…Chyna, Carly, and Wendy.”  Wasn’t Rikki Lake in Wilson Phillips?  Nevermind.   

Jade wins gracefully and The. Sh*t. Hits. The. Fan.   Seriously.  Watching the rest of the women pace nervously around the “Transformation Room” while Jade’s “Fairy Godmother” got her ready for the “Cinderella Princess Date” was freaking priceless.  

The look on their faces when they overheard Cruella Deville telling Jade she could keep the shoes and the Neil Lane earrings was solid Bachelor gold.  They looked like a pack of hyena’s circling a dead wildebeest waiting for the female lion to finish eating.  Ashley I. took it the hardest.  Well, not hard enough to melt her eyelashes but pretty hard.   

Free shoes?  I can't stand it!  

“All I want to do is go on a date and dress up like a Disney Princess,” Ashley I. whines.  Is she five?  

“Fairy Princesses have to put out for Prince Charming in his castle or carriage or whatever to get a date like that,” I said into my Lone Star. 

“No kidding,” said Mrs. SGIA.  Now you see why we get along. 

Alright, let’s talk about Jade. 

The news is already out this week that she’s the one who posed nude, has been arrested, and, apparently, made a semi-dirty movie . . . or two.  We can discuss that later but let’s keep in mind that Chris knew none of that when she emerged atop the stairs in her Cinderella dress as the winner of the “three women I love and who love me picked her for me” contest.  Powerful stuff.  Say what you want, but she looked phenomenal.   Frankly, she could have given Chris a signed copy of those pictures and her movie as she walked down the stairs and I’m not sure it would have mattered.  

And yes, I saw the covered back tattoo.  If you looked closely you could make out "Suck it, Ashely I." surrounded by dolphins jumping over rainbows.    In high school we used to call a girl like that a "dropped french fry."  Kinda dirty, but you'd still eat it.  

Compare Chris’ body language at the Fairy Princess dinner with his body language at the ensuing CrossFit Jillian dinner.  It’s a study in contrasts.  He was engaged, unguarded, content, and calm with Jade.  She was modest, a good listener, open, unassuming, and sincere.  As far as SGIA is concerned I’d rather be surrounded by those adjectives regardless of the past that preceded them than contrived, insecure, semi-virginal, and self-interested. 

People make mistakes and, unfortunately for anyone who is in her 20’s, those mistakes are often on film or the Internet forever.   My dad used to tell me that it doesn’t matter what mistake you make, it’s what you do to correct it that matters down the road.  I realize I’ll get some push back about my stance here, but I like Jade.  I forgive her for posing nude.  You should too.  It’s ALWAYS the quiet ones that have the biggest secrets, isn’t it? 

Flash back to virginal Ashley I.  She wouldn’t (or couldn't?) let it go.  She dresses up in her princess dress, eats corn by herself, and slams champagne.  Cinderella, my ass.  More like Bitterella.  She needs to get laid. 

Jade earns the rose and a blushy-cheeked Prince Farming takes one step closer to learning about how to deal with her shady past from the ABC PR Department in their first Presser.   

Date Card.   “Nikki, Britt, Jillian, Carly, Becca, Whitney.  Let’s get dirty.”

In yet another hyena moment, the girls are given their own wedding dresses to wear to the date.   Chris reuses his Jade date tux plus or minus a tie choice.  Poor Carly gets to do another obstacle course against Jillian.  At least she didn’t have to drink goat’s milk this week.  Carly, who edged out Kaitlyn with the best lines of the week drops “Jillian should be wearing a tuxedo and not a dress” before alleging that Jillian is concealing a phallus larger than Prince Farming’s under her dress.  That was funny.  That Carly sure can roll the cob, can’t she?  Predictably, Jillian kills it in the race and gets the date.  Chris looked less than happy.    

Date with Chris/Jillian.  Not exactly a cross fit.   

Any date that starts off with “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” is doomed to fail.  What kind of question is that? Look, I won’t belabor what was a painful-to-watch date.  Chris couldn’t get a word in for what seemed like hours and Jillian treated it like another Crossfit workout rather than an opportunity to show Chris that she’s not just a walking Crossfit workout.  It’s a shame, really.  I’m sure there’s a sweet side to her.  Hyper-competitive types are hyper-competitive for a reason.  Whatever she came there to prove got the best of her.  Even when she got dumped she couldn’t accept defeat.  Bad edit?  Maybe.  I suspect that it was an accurate one, though. 

Cocktail party.

Megan hides a blindfold in her bra as she carried her melons around to dip in chocolate and not impress him.  She’s D.U.M.B., but sweet. 

Samantha, who might as well be a blow up doll at this point, listens attentively to Ashley in her Cinderella dress.  Why is she still there?  See that under the radar thing earlier in the blog.  She’s gorgeous too.  That doesn’t hurt.  She’ll be out once the nutjobs get cut loose.    

After all the build up, Ashley I. drops, “Chris, I’m a virgin.” 

His response?  “I never would have seen that coming.”  Classic.  Topped only by Carly’s “her mouth is not a virgin.”  Awesome. 

The best part was when modest Becca showed Ashley the proper way to be a virgin by non-chalantly mentioning that her hymen is also in tact.  Boom.     

So what.   

Let’s get to Britt, shall we?

Britt, Britt, Britt, Britt, Britt, Britt . . . the big game comes down to preparation.  There are some nevers when it comes to The Bachelor franchise.  Any of these are tantamount to starting a land war against Russia in the middle of winter.    

1.       Never badmouth the other women in front of the Bachelor;

2.       Never insult Lil’ Rikki Hendrix;

3.      Never run to the bathroom and cry until the Bachelor has to   come check on you; and

4.    NEVER bust the Bachelor’s balls about kissing the other women.

“Why is that behavior being validated?” is, I believe, the way she put it.  She blew it.  Chris was just too much of an inarticulate, stuttering fool, to tell her. Why can’t he confront a jealous, 100 pound waitress with a chip on her shoulder?  Unbelievable.  

Harrison shows up.  Chris finds his voice and drops the “hit the road if you don’t like it” hammer after Harrison sorts him out. 


1.     Jade (still in my top 3)
2.     Kaitlyn (still in my top 3)
3.     Whitney (meh, nothing special about her)
4.     Carly (super funny and cool but not his type.  Top 5)
5.     Megan (her and her boobs will be around for a bit longer)
6.     Samantha (I’d like to hear her speak next week)
7.     Mackenzie (she’ll see her daughter soon)
8.     Kelsie (she’ll be a top 5 as this season’s bad guy)
9.     Becca (top 3)
10.  Ashley I. (teary, dramatic departure will see her gone top 5)
11.  Britt (she’s got some ‘splainin’ to do)


Jillian (not a good way to go out.  I hope her life is still in tact back home)

Ashley S. (Nuts and she knows it.  I hope she evens out her meds)

Nikki (innocuous and uneventful…just like the Jets she cheered for)

Juelia (It’s not you, it’s me and you need your daughter speech)

Well, there it is.   Some Guy’s top picks are in the game but I’ve been wrong a lot the past couple of ceremonies.  Chime in on Twitter or in the Comments below.  Week five previews portend a Tierra-esque injury and some more crying.  I can’t wait.  In the mean time, if you need me, I’ll be freshening my eye makeup.  DP


Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Bachelor Chris Episode 3: Come Roll My Cob

Amazing Count 69
Journey Count 16

Hello, Readers.  Welcome to week three of The Bachelor.  Prince Farming continues to sow his oats (or corn) in preparation for the big harvest.  It’s also apparent that loves to lose his shirt in the process.  That’s fine if  he's in shape but not if he looks like this:


The only person more annoyed than me this week was Harrison who stood there barely masking his impatience with the always condescending Jimmy Kimmel as Kimmel took to mocking Harrison’s hosting duties in addition to dropping every predictable sexual innuendo any of us could have written up and placed in his unoriginal “Amazing Jar” before the show.  He even offered to sleep with all of the women and report back to Chris.  That’s the worst bomb he’s laid since Sarah Silverman.   

Kimmel is no Me.  

Let me just get the Kimmel stuff out of the way before it also ruins my recap.  My opinion of Jimmy Kimmel was reinforced last night.  I’ve always seen him as a condescending know-it-all who doesn’t know when a good joke ends.  

He had some good one-liners last night, but he also came across as crass and cliché . . . and far more svelte than our Bachelor.  In his defense, I think he is a legitimate fan of the show.  I just don’t think he belongs on it.  I’m glad that little experiment is over.  I’m sure Harrison is too.  

Let’s recap, shall we?

Harrison feigns excitement and introduces Jimmy Kimmel to the ladies after Jimmy makes a “surprise” wake up call at Chris’s repurposed wood cabin.  Dressed like Jason Statham in The Transporter—now there’s a guy, even to an avowed heterosexual like me, who looks great with his shirt off—Jimmy proceeds to overtly sexually harass the women as they giggle ignorantly like a bunch of school girls.   So much for “taking this seriously.”  Becca drops “super awesome” and Kimmel drops the Date Card. 

“Dear Kaitlyn, you and Chris are about to join an exclusive club . . . “.  Speculation abounds in between everyone except the camera crew dropping “Jimmy Kimmel” into their sentences.

Kaitlyn and Chris hop a limo to Costco after some champagne and they discuss how refreshing it is to have a “normal” day.  Normal.  Right.  I take my limo to Costco all the time.  Please.  Whose chauffeur doesn't know that Sam's Club has better parking and deeper discounts than Costco?  Don't "normal" me, hayseed.      
ABC apparently had some promotional favors to deliver on this episode.  I suppose going to Costco beats donning a helmet with a GoPro mounted to it in order to film our contestants being unwittingly forced into addressing their deepest childhood fear or recreating the feat that killed a loved one.  Remember when Jake cried like a p*ssy when he had to bungee jump or when they made Emily jump on a private jet before driving around a NASCAR track?   

Kaitlyn has a flannel Brawny Man paper towel shirt thrown over her little sister’s tube top.  I found it odd that she wore it the entire show but upon further inspection, it was clear that she couldn’t get it off.  Maybe it was a subtle hint at the farmer's tan look in an attempt to attract Chris.  That shirt was so small Jillian couldn’t have worn it for shorts. 

Chris pretends like he’s having fun after Fleiss threatens several of the Hispanic Costco shelf stockers with a call to Immigration and Naturalization unless they enlist their children to push Chris and Kaitlyn around in a blue, giant, rubber ball.  I found that odd.  I’d imagine when Kaitlyn is mentioned in the same sentence as the words Rubber and Ball that the word Blue isn’t even close to it. 

I know, I know.  I’m a hypocrite because that’s something that Kimmel would say.  The difference is that he would say it directly to Kaitlyn’s face in front of millions of viewers.  At least I have the decency to keep it anonymous and online. 

It’s usually at this point in the season that the “Metaphor Date” occurs.  I was waiting for them to squeeze out of that ball head-first and compare it to their relationship being born.  Then I realized that if they did that one of them would have to be the metaphoric after birth and that just wouldn't be a good metaphor.  They head home to grill some steaks.  

Kaitlyn and Chris enjoy a glass of bourbon as they both pretend to enjoy the taste of bourbon.  The word “crazy” gets dropped 100 times as does the word “normal.”  Look, Ashley S. may be able to put those two words together but for the rest of us it’s either crazy or normal.  It can’t be both.  And since when is sitting around a repurposed cabin grilling steaks “crazy”?

Jimmy arrives for dinner and proceeds to ask a bunch of inappropriate questions about Chris sleeping with all of the women in the Fantasy Suite.  Fake laughter abounds as Chris sweats into his whiskey glass.  Kaitlyn virtually guaranteed herself a spot by letting Jimmy know that Chris has a couple free passes if she makes it that far.  She appeared to mean it too. 

I don’t know if that was the whiskey talking or if she knew what he was trying to do.  Regardless, she proved herself to be the best sport in the house.  She earned the Date Rose.  Can you imagine if one of the Ashleys had been on that date?  Kimmel would be picking a pieces of a smashed Waterford whiskey glass out of his skull or he’d have been eye-lashed to death.   

What do you mean, sleep with other women?  

Ashley S. was noticeably quiet this week.  It's incredible what a difference a Xanex, a Lexapro, a Valium, and abstaining from chardonnay makes.  Like our friend Alex in that picture above, she'll be back, I'm afraid.   

Group Date Card.

Becca reads it.  I still think she’s hot, but she’s come across as a bit boring.  More about her later. 

Britt, Jillian, Becca, Trina, Kelsie, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Samantha, Nikki, Carly, Tracy.  “Are you ready to meet some real party animals?”

Sigh.  Jillian works out.  Mystery solved.  The reason why she wears so little material around her Hoo-Ha is because she needed the extra luggage space for all of her workout equipment.  Man, I’ve tried to be nice, but she needs a talking to.  The issue clearly goes beyond a hatchet job in the editing booth.  

Kelsie drops “child-sized shorts” on Jillian and I laughed before realizing that there was no other viable way to describe them.  She’s like that old French guy in the Speedo bathing suit that wanders too close to your blanket at the beach.      

By the way, I pray that I'm just like that guy when I reach his age.  Props to him on the matching socks too.  They really tie the outfit together.  

The girls show up for the “Hoedown Throwdown” which consists of being sexually propositioned by Jimmy Kimmel before corn shucking, egg hunting, goat milking, manure shoveling, and pig wrestling.  Honestly, the entire thing is a metaphor for courtship in the Midwest minus a trip to Dairy Queen.   

Carly is apparently allergic to goat milk.   I guess “Goat Milk” was one of the things on the scratch test she took as a child when she went to the allergist.  How else to you find that out?  Her goat milking demonstration was interesting, however. 

Amber drops “salty and warm and not something I like in my mouth” before also referring to the goat milk as “protein.”  Subtle.  They can let that air but can’t show Jillian’s (allegedly) hairy butt cheeks?  Come on.  Selective enforcement of any rule hollows out the rule.    

Carly wins the big race despite Jillian and her (allegedly) hairy ass trying to muscle her out of the pig wrasslin’ contest.  Carly gets a meaningless ribbon from Jimmy Kimmel, and an  American Gothic photo shoot that mocks the farmer and everyone who is not an annoying talk show host from Los Angeles.  Humiliating.      

Cocktail party. 

I’ll cut this one short.  He had his tongue down everyone’s throat but Harrison’s and Mackenzie showed her age by complaining about it.  He kissed more girls than Jillian did arm curls with her rubber band handle thing this week.  He handled the “why are you kissing everyone else too” inquiry like thrown feces from a chimp at the zoo. 

Why is he kissing everyone?  Because he’s The Bachelor, b*tch, and that’s what The Bachelor does.  That’s like asking Piers Morgan why he’s an a-hole or Little Ricki Hendrix why she’s so darn adorable.  Certain things just “are,” Mackenzie.  Granted, you were in 4th grade last season, but do your research.  Your kid must nap a few times a day.   Use the time wisely.    

Mackenzie sufficiently stirs the pot enough to make all of the other rabid chimpanzees upset about the kissing and the telling.  Watching that was like reading The Origin of Species in reverse.

Why is he kissing all of us?  Throw feces at him.
Becca gets the most creative award by leading with her statement necklace instead of her tongue and choosing a memorable chat instead of a sucked face.  She seemed cool, albeit dull, but had quality time.  I still like her down the road, but she might go the same route as the hot teacher.  She got the date rose and didn’t contract mono in the process.  Nice work, Becca. 

Knock Knock. 

“Dear Whitney,  Today is going to be fun…No Whining.” 

To say that this season’s date cards lack the panache of past seasons is like saying Jillian’s shorts lack material.  Either Chris can’t be funny or the ABC intern with the Associates Degree in English Literature from Tallahassee State Junior College in charge of punning them up left for greener pastures.     

Whitney dons a statement necklace and denim vest.  I’ve said this before, she is NOT my type.  I find her stiff and unattractive.  If she was a piece of furniture she’d be the particle board book shelf with the cardboard back I got at Michael's and had all through college. 

Chris introduces us to the Iowa colloquialism “roll the cob,” which apparently means she can fake like she’s adventurous.  I’ll spare you the pain of reliving the fake “wedding crash.”  They should make a movie about two people who crash a wedding . . . oh wait. 

We find out that Whitney keeps her “bouquet stats” and is apparently uninteresting enough to blend into a crowd of strangers.  Run, Chris.  She jumped for that bouquet like Dennis Rodman in the NBA finals.  There’s nothing spontaneous about her.  Pack up your cob and get out of there while you still can.  

We assume ABC paid the caterer the $178 per person cost of the reception plus the open bar fee and 9 bucks for the rose Chris stole from the floral arrangement.  She got the Date Rose.  She’ll be very confused when she’s sent home.   Denial will flow like a river in Egypt. 

Pool Party. 

That apparently means everyone has to retreat to a corner of the mansion to cake on eye makeup before Chris arrives to “impress” them with his cannonballs.   He jumped in the pool and made a splash too. 

Ashley I. laments the fact that she couldn’t do her “Kardashian look”.  Whatever.  It’s almost impossible to not get me started on the Kardashian family once I hear the name.  Let me limit my vitriol to a sentence or two.  First, the whole family makes me sick.  Poor Bruce Jenner.  No wonder he just wants to be left alone to become a woman.  There is not a more vapid bunch of narcissistic, talentless, attention-seeking hacks than that family.  Ashley I. would do better to work on her own identity and stop trying to emulate a family who biggest contribution to our culture is the size of its asses.  They’re basically the Zsa Zsa Gabors and Pia Zadoras of the 21st Century . . . with less to offer.  Moving on.  

Samantha the screen filler and Juelia chat.  Samantha is really pretty, but like the hot teacher, has said all of two words between “of course I wills” this season.  Juelia interrupts the pool party to drop the inevitable suicide chat on Chris.  Look, that’s awful but man, was that a buzz kill.  Also, why should she have to relive that on air?  Uncool . . . all 45 minutes of it. 

Speaking of buzz kills, why doesn’t Chris doesn’t get any Suave commercials like Des did?  Seems a bit sexist to me if you ask.  Even Juan Pablo mixed in a spot or two and that guy can’t even speak English.    

Britt and her messy bun check in for a make out session with a shirtless Chris.    You know, for good measure.  She’s holding it together fairly well, but the cracks are showing.   

Jade.  It’s not time for an SGIA “I told you so” yet, but we got a little closer this week, didn’t we?  Frankly, she was a lot dirtier than I’d pegged her, but I’ll chalk that up to the “test the bed” instruction she and Chris undoubtedly received off camera. 

Her big pick up line?  “We’re all curious about your place.  I haven’t seen your place.”  Place apparently means Genitals in this scenario and We apparently means me and my boobs.  She takes him away in her bikini, coverup, and off white Stilettos.  Note to women:  Nice dudes don’t like giant heels with a swimsuit.  You’re not filming a rap video and you’re not auditioning for the Rockettes.  And Jillian, listen up.  This applies to your shorts too. 

Stilettos and a bikini is the equivalent to a dude showing up in a silk shirt unbuttoned to expose his giant gold medallion and hairy chest.  Subtlety is hotter than a blatant advertisement.  Tasteful trumps tacky every day of the week.  

Ironically, that’s one reason I liked Jade in the first place.  She was confident but not aggressive and she wore a minimal amount of makeup.  Painting yourself up like an Indian going into battle may work in LA or New Jersey but it doesn’t work in Iowa.  More often than not, less is more.  If you want me to hear what you're saying, don't distract me with giant fake eyelashes or shorts tiny enough to double as a belt.  

Poor Jillian is forced to wait in his hot tub as Jade perfectly plays the shy and unassuming card in Chris’s repurposed cabin. Porno music inside, crickets outside.  I’ll give the producers credit for the editing.  Solid work.  I thought they were setting poor Jillian up for some much-needed character rehabilitation in light of the ubiquitous black box around her Hoo-Ha over the last two weeks.  Perhaps they were, but she ruined it.    

Jillian, put down your guard for a second and listen to me.  I mean you well. 

Butchy, aggressive mannerisms, in-your-face comments, and blatant territorial behavior are not attractive to men.  We get it all the time . . . from other men.  Men don’t always have to win and we don’t ever feel the need to compete with a woman physically.  We will also notice a beautiful body even if it’s not fully on display.  That’s how we’re wired.  You don’t need to show the ants where the sugar is.  They find it anyway.  Put a lid that fits on your sugar caddy. 

Also, it’s possible to be athletic, assertive, confident, and attractive without reminding us that you’re athletic, assertive, confident, and attractive.  In fact, we prefer it that way.  And yes, it’s also possible to be feminine without being girly.  Knock off the Crossfit act (or get over it), buy some pants that fit, and BE YOURSELF.   Lecture over.

Ashley I. gets upset.   “It’s a good thing her hymen is in tact,” I said to Mrs. SGIA.  She laughed, but would never admit that she did.  Chris lost another shirt and Ashley I. just about cried herself out of a Rose before almost plunging to her death by making another very odd kissing move.  Must be a virgin thing.    

Rose Ceremony.

1.              Kaitlyn (solid, but still the "funny girl")
2.              Becca (top 3 but losing me.  she had a good week)
3.              Jade (top 3 and gaining steam)
4.              Samantha (still a mystery)
5.              Juelia (he couldn't dump her after that story)
6.              Mackenzie (way too young.  Gone soon)
7.              Kelsie (she'll get a date but will go home soon)
8.              Britt (in a holding pattern.)
9.              Megan (as dumb as she is lucky to still be around)
10.            Carly (solid week.  good personality)
11.            Ashley S. (she needed an off week)
12.            Nikki (another innocuous mute.  it's working)
13.            Jillian (I'm rooting for you.  Rally.)
14.            Ashley I. (nut job.)

Gone Girl.

Tracy—I’m bummed out.  Would have like to have seen some personality.  I thought she was one of the prettiest.  She kept her reputation in tact, though.  That’s best thing for a 4th grade teacher. 

Amber—meh.  She was nice.

Trina—She’s basically Whitney with worse hair and darker roots.  

Well, there it is.  We’re Kimmel-less next week and I couldn’t be happier about that.  We're also getting down to eliminations of some of the not-so-obvious ones, but we still have enough breathing room for a week or so.  It will be nice to see an unencumbered Harrison back at full strength next week as well.  Take care of yourselves.  In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be making out with everyone I see while looking for my shirt.  DP