Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Nick Episode 3: I'll Take a Cucumber (salad), please.


Hello Readers.  I come to you today from the Tampa International Airport and, eventually, from 30,000 feet.  My apologies for missing what was an epic opportunity to pile on last week, but if the Bachelor is the Earth then my “real” job has been Jupiter over the past couple of weeks.  Like post-Fantasy Suite menses, I have been regretfully absent. 

The good news is that all of my bills are currently getting paid.  The bad news (for you anyway) is that I haven’t been able to share my beguiling demeanor and boyish charm with any of you for a week.  Let’s get to it, shall we?

As if ABC read my mind, we were treated to a graphic recap of the “Liz Situation.”  If her father wasn’t admitted to the local psych ward after last week’s show, I’m certain that occurred this week when, yet again, we were reminded that she got hammered at the wedding reception before getting hammered by Nick and choosing to accept it as a one night stand.  For the record, she’s an adult.  She can make whatever decision she wants concerning her cooter, but why do we have to hear about it for three weeks?

Predictably, Nick (for the 4th time) is “forced” to admit that he had a one night stand with yet another person on a reality show.  If he keeps it up (no pun intended), ABC will have enough women to cast the next Bachelor in Paradise.  Wouldn’t that be interesting?  I digress. 

The girls sit around makeup-less and lament his promiscuity while simultaneously praying that their name will be on the one-on-one date card. 

Wait, what about the Rose ceremony?  Nick shows up in an ill-fitting jacket and a floral tie presumably to evoke feelings of sympathy while he attempts to justify the “Liz Situation” to 22 of his potential future one night stands. 

Now that the cat is out of the bag Nick wants to be “transparent.”  All of a sudden he’s “an open book.”  I’ll give him a bit of credit.  Like Liz, he too made an adult decision at that now infamous wedding reception and was likely just as shocked as us all when Liz exited the limo.  Fleiss 1, Nick 0. 

He hung in there and clawed his way back with little to no objection from the “ladies”.  Danielle attempted to put up a fight but could have used a shot of Viagra to stiffen her spine.  She is gorgeous but I can’t get past the Kardashian diction.  It’s more annoying than Nick’s speech impediment.  I still think she’s Fantasy Suite material if she doesn’t get bored of Nick.   

Corinne, of course, doesn’t care that Nick’s been banging more than window shutters in a hurricane.  She’s too busy stuffing her unmentionables into a trenchcoat in an attempt to “impress” Nick.  Word to Corinne:  your behavior—setting aside the idiocy of it for a moment—will get you laid, but it won’t get you married.  Even mansluts like Nick are turned off by blatantly whorish (yes, that’s the correct word) behavior.  Here’s a little guy secret:  It’s not the actual act that men find thrilling in that situation.  It’s the challenge of getting there.  Take away at least the appearance of a challenge and even a guy like Nick will find it boring.  Do yourself a favor and Google “self respect” the next time you have the urge to sleep with Nick.   

It’s clear that Corinne does not read my blog.  She opts for whip cream between the boobs (subtle) and some ridiculous suggestive small talk.  Nick looked embarrassed.  Jasmine “stumbles upon” Nick and Corinne and saves Nick from an awkward situation that was about to turn even more awkward.  Where in the hell is Corinne’s nanny Raquel when we need her?    

In denial, Corinne sniffles at her failure to do something “nice and very cute” for Nick.  Wow.  “Nice and very cute” is apparently “slutty” anywhere else.  When was the last time anyone said, “Aww, she showed up naked under a trenchcoat and talked dirty while putting whipped cream on her boobs for a virtual stranger to lick off.  How nice and cute.” 

Answer?  Never.  

Corinne cries like the spoiled brat she is and then she goes and takes one of several naps.  Acting like a slut is exhausting.  Who knew that trying to sleep with a guy would be harder than “running a multi-million dollar company?”     
 
Harrison shows up pre-rose ceremony and stirs the pot.  Incredibly, Corinne is napping.  That’s a first . . . and a classic. 

Rose Ceremony.

1.     Corinne (still napping)
2.     Danielle M.
3.     Astrid
4.     Taylor
5.     Whitney
6.     Kristina
7.     Danielle L.
8.     Rachel
9.     Vanessa
10.  Raven
11.  Jaimi
12.  Dominique
13.  Sarah
14.  Alexis
15.  Brittany
16.  Josephine
17.  Jasmine

Gone

Hailey
Elizabeth
Lacey

Group Date Card:  Danielle L., Christen, Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine, Corinne, “Everybody”.  Harrison talks up the date before turning is Run-DMC Adidas toward the door and hitting the local day drinking spot in anticipation of a buzz, a late afternoon nap, and a fat paycheck for attending the next Rose Ceremony. 

The Backstreet Boys take time out from raising their teenagers, mowing their lawns, and scheduling their first colonoscopies, and recovering from hip surgeries in order to drop by and teach the girls and Nick a few things about being a big star in the 1990’s.  Who knew Nick would actually be the youngest guy in the mansion next to Harrison?  While the 8 counts get thrown down, Corinne reminds us that the only thing she does worse than making a respectable presentation of herself is dance.  Frustrated she can’t get any attention by throwing her hoo ha around the room, she goes and cries in the bathroom. 

She tells us that she’s frustrated because, after Whipcream-gate, she feels like she’s “not being herself.”  Trust me, Corinne, you’re being yourself.  Somewhere in a very posh wing of Corinne’s dad’s mansion right across from Corinne’s wing Raquel the Nanny laughed a satisfying, guttural laugh before kicking her feet up and taking a big swig of chardonnay.    

I couldn’t watch the Backstreet “Boys” perform while Nick attempted to dance and the girls tried to count to 8.  It was horrible.  Danielle L. wins the big contest.  She’s so pretty.  I started to get past the Kardashian diction thing.  Corinne, predictably, gets upset watching an cringe-inducing  A Capella performance of “I Want it That Way” while Danielle and Nick Fonzie dance in front of the crowd.  Frankly, that should have been the loser’s punishment rather than the winner’s reward.

Cocktail date.  Nick’s clothes look like they were purchased before he hit puberty and then washed in hot water before he put them on.  I wondered Juan Pablo left a few items behind in the mansion.

Just as we thought it was impossible for Corinne to make herself less endearing to the rest of the women, she tells everyone that she misses her nanny.  Jasmine has a lot of trouble digesting the fact that Corinne has a nanny.  I think all relatively normal people had a problem digesting that.  My favorite part about that—and there were many favorite parts—entire exchange was the indignant look of shock on Jasmine’s face when she asked, “wait, do you have children?” and “how old are you?” followed by “you mean, like a real nanny?” 

Danielle gets the Group Date Rose she earned. 

Vanessa gets the coveted one-on-one and we all wondered if Nick would attempt zero gravity intercourse with her on that Zero G plane thing. 

That date looked fun but it would have been better to take Corinne up there and watch her puke up her high maintenance mint julep or whatever she drinks.  Instead Vanessa pukes but turned out to be a good date.  Also Fantasy Suite material.  She seems like a nice, thoughtful person.  I can’t decide if she’s going to beat Danielle L. yet.   Incidentally, watching the vast majority of your happy clients puke all over the plane has to be the worst part about being a Zero G instructor. 

Dinner with Vanessa.  Happy she now has some bonus calories to ingest.  Nick cries. (Pu**y).  She gets the Date Rose.

Date Card:  Rachel, Alexis, Astrid, Jaimi, Sarah, Brittany, Dominique, “I’m done playing the field.” 

Nick shows up in his Garanimals short shorts and tank top. 

Carl Lewis, Allyson Felix, Michelle Carter  Gold Medal Winners show up to host “Nick-a-tha-lon”.  Was anyone else amazed at how unathletic all of the women were?  Good Lord.  That “high” jump thing was like 18 inches off the ground.  Ironically, the biggest injury risk was Astrid’s lack of an adequate sports bra.  Those things slapped every corner of the stadium.  She handled it well, however, and ended up recovering the diamond ring fumble and earning some stadium hot tub time with Nick despite coming in last place in the foot race.  She’s going to go far too, I think, but I doubt she’ll win. 

Cocktail party at Big Daddy’s Antiques, Inc.  Dominique melts down because Nick didn’t give her enough attention.  This soon became what most elementary teachers would refer to as “a teachable moment.”  Rachel comforts her by giving her completely rational and accurate advice, which is precisely why it fell on deaf ears. 

Nick proceeds to make out with everyone on every piece of antique furniture while Dominique stews in the Ladies Room (or whatever room her gender identity deemed appropriate). 

Dominique the proceeds to shoot herself in the foot by busting Nick’s balls.  She even lights him up with “you didn’t give me a fair chance” before Nick got the nod from the Producers that they had enough film and he was free to send her ass home. 

Teachable Moment:  From a guy’s perspective—and I don’t care if he’s 26 or 56—there is nothing worse than getting a ball busting from a woman who “knows she’s right” and wants to “set him straight.”  There’s more than one way to load the dishwasher, put the detergent in the washing machine, and (yes) pay attention to a woman on a group date.  Like every other guy watching the show, I knew she was headed home before she opened her mouth.    

Nick asks himself, “could any of these relationships end in an engagement.”  Sure, Nick.  They ALL end in an engagement and a few red carpet appearances.

Rachel gets the Date Rose.  She seems like a front runner too, although I think Nick will ultimately go elsewhere.   

Harrison shows up in his Adidas to drop a big dose of buzz kill in the AM.  Bad news:  No Cocktail Party.  Good News:  Pool Party.   Harrison giveth, Harrison taketh away.

Pool Party. 

Corinne apparently woke up long enough to order a bounce house so she could grind all over Nick.  I just hope the rental company had the courtesy to disinfect it prior to letting the next bunch of 5 year olds jump around in it.  All the girls (understandably) get pissed when Nick spends a tad too much time on the receiving end of the aforementioned grinding upon.  Drunk again, Corinne retires to the mansion for an afternoon nap. 

Alexis, summed it up the best when she dropped, “this is the worst pool party I’ve ever been to.”

Does anyone think that Corinne has a case of promiscuity-induced narcolepsy?  She seems to pass out after every attempt to mount Nick.  She should get that checked out.    

In another classic scene Raven tells Nick all about Corinne’s nanny and the shocked look on his face was freaking priceless.  “She did not know how to clean a spoon.”  CLASSIC.  Raven is going to finish high as well.  I like her but I don’t think she’ll beat Danielle or Vanessa.    

They all melt down and Vanessa approaches Nick for a doorstep chat.  She has some legit questions.  Again, she’s rational, mature, and fair.  “I’m not judging Corinne, I’m judging your actions.  I’d rather you just not give me a rose,” was proof of it.  She’s  solid and Nick should realize that she’s much more age-appropriate for him than the other girls.  She’s Canadian, but we shouldn’t hold that against her.    

My Top 5, so far, are:   Raven, Vanessa, Rachel, Danielle L., and (maybe) Alexis.  I’m pretty set on the first three, a bit unsure about Danielle L., and really unsure about Alexis.  She’s funny, though and that usually gets a girl within sight of the Hometown Dates.  Then again, how fun would it be for Nick to meet Corinne’s family and be waited upon by Raquel?   

On the upside, there’s apparently a girl fight next week.

Well, there it is.  A recap, albeit a late one.  Enjoy your week, send me your feedback, take care of yourselves.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be waiting patiently in my room for my nanny to prepare me a fruit smoothie and a light cucumber salad.  



 







  







Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Bachelor Nick Episode 1: Sharknado 4

Hello, Readers, and welcome back to the season premier recap from our favorite guilty pleasure.  Yes, it's Nick's (fourth) turn at trying to find "love" on television and I know you all sat down with your five extra holiday pounds, a big fat case of breathless anticipation, and a generously-filled glass of the good Chardonnay you've been hiding in the back of the pantry and passively/aggressively silently refusing to open for your in-laws last week in favor of the cheap shit.

Sure, there are many disadvantages to being in Nick's position.  On the up side, striking out four times may seem like a lot, but it's actually 2/3 the number of people he's slept with over a hot mic while simultaneously assessing the victim . . . errr . . . young lady's overall wife qualifications.  I suppose a social media or televised  roll in the hay is this generation's "where do you see yourself in five years," and who are we to judge?  Let's not be disingenuous.  Of course we're here to judge.  Is there any other reason to tune in? 

As always, I disclaim this post as one of my least funny of the season.  It's simply too difficult to keep track of all of the strange faces while trying to figure out who's the Crazy One, The Slutty One, and the Crying One.  By the looks of last night's episode,  however, those all might well be the same person (Corinne).  

It's also difficult to post in order of appearance.  So, as per my usual, I've used the ABC website bio order from last week's post.  Let's get to it, shall we?  




Nick.  He's still 36 years old.  That gives him a huge intellectual advantage over the average twenty-something.  Considering that most of these women appear to be far below average emotional intelligence, he should have his way this season.  Nick runs and showers several times within the first few minutes, pontificates about what he's "learned" since being catapulted, albeit voluntarily, into the reality show spotlight (and refusing to leave) over two years ago.  

Think about that.  His reality show career began at the age of 34, or about 4 years after it should have ended.  He's like a douchier version of Benjamin Button.  As for his meeting to gain "perspective" and "knowledge" from Sean, Chris, and Ben, I don't think that fooled anyone.  I suppose Sean Lowe could give him advice on staying married to a Godless person he doesn't like in exchange for cashing in on free promotional items and vacations.  Perhaps Ben could give him advice on how to cash in on free promotional items and vacations while feigning an interest in permanent commitment.     

Nick, then takes a meeting from a comparatively wise and mature person: his 12 year old sister.  Beyond the identical speech impediment they share, I didn't really glean a lot from that conversation.  He's setting a hell of an example for her, though.  To think, in just 6 years, she can get laid by a stranger on TV.      

Post meeting, Nick again reflects what he’s learned in the last 2 years of indiscriminately banging chicks on reality shows.  Based on that, I suppose it's fair to assume he hasn’t learned anything in his prior 34 years that would assist him.

In full disclosure, if you read what I've written about him in the past, you'll see I like Nick.  He's an interesting guy and seems like he has (most of) his shit together in addition to having a decent family.  The guy seems to get in his own way, however, when it comes to relationships.  As we stay in Texas:  he has a tendency to step on his own d*ck.  We'll see how this goes.  

Let's see how the "ladies" did.  

Harrison generously . . . and I mean generously . . . describes this bunch of millennial nitwits (with one or two exceptions) as "accomplished" and "interesting."  Granted, those adjectives don't modify any nouns, so we can't really know what he meant.  That, my fellow fans, is the genius of Chris Harrison.  It is, after all, possible to be an accomplished slut, for instance.  

Moving on . . .     




ROSE--OR WAS IT A TULIP?
Alexis.  Let's hope her per-diem was doubled because she agreed to wear the "dolphin" costume which was actually a shark costume.    On the up side, at least it wasn't red.  That would have been embarrassing.  How does a self-proclaimed "dolphin lover" not distinguish between gills and lungs?  Sharks are fish, ergo, the gill marks on the costume.  Dolphins are mammals.  They have lungs, ergo, a  blowhole.   That costume had no blowhole.  I looked.    

The majority of my law practice these days is in the entertainment industry.  People who agree to advertise or endorse "embarrassment products" like tampons, hemorrhoid cream, or adult diapers, for instance, actually get a higher rate for appearing in the ads.  We need to add "animal costumes on reality shows" to this list.  Bless her heart.  She owned it and earned a rose for making Nick laugh.  She has some catching up to do in the romance department, but I don't blame her for getting a bit drunk.  I like her.  I hope she does well.   


NO ROSE.

Angela.  It's a great thing that she's pretty.  Intellectual pursuits are likely not her strength.  The problem with pretty girls in this environment is that they're all pretty.  She needed more and didn't have it.  I'm sure she'll do just fine when she makes it back to wherever she's from.  I hope the person who picks her up at the airport remembers to explain to Angela where she's been and what she was doing there.    
   


ROSE SGIA SLEEPER
Astrid.  Pretty dress (not red like all the others), funny comments, and Nick seemed intrigued beyond the usual roll in the hay stare.  I like her.  She's my sleeper as in, "no one thought Astrid would make it to the Fantasy Suite.  She was clearly the sleeper this season."  Not as in, "Nick had sex with Astrid in a mansion broom closet.  She's definitely a sleeper."  Keep in mind that she was also smart enough to not only not wear a red dress but, as a dolphin lover, not get roped into wearing the shark/dolphin costume.  She's smarter than we think.  I'm rooting for her.  



NO ROSE.
Briana.  I don't remember much about her other than her crying after being booted out.  My notes fail to refresh my recollection.  That about says it all.  It's ok, Briana.  Keep a stiff upper lip . . . oh wait.  Let's hope she doesn't hook up with Chris Soules.  They'd find it impossible to kiss.      


ROSE
Brittany.  She had potential but did just enough to squeak by with a late rose.  I don't think she's done, but she'd better step it up. The rubber glove prostate exam in the wet driveway left something to be desired.  She should have saved that little surprise for the Fantasy Suite.  Plenty of guys in much shadier parts of town are paying top dollar for that sort of thing.   Some dolphins become tuna fish.  Let's hope she's not one of them.  




ROSE

Christen. Weird hair and a weird affect. She entered with a yellow Carmen Miranda dress and a fan. Horrible.  Not horrible enough to finish in the bottom eight, however. She looked like a banana and dodged a bullet. 

ROSE

Corinne.  Oh my, I hate her.  In a Kreskin-esque moment I actually tweeted "anyone want to bet Nick bangs Corrine" 45 minutes before she actually confirmed the fact that she considers her "vagine" to be one of the 8 wonders of the world and putting Nick at the top of the undoubtedly long and distinguished Guest List for a free entry.  To be fair, I could see how her "vagine" might have some things in common with other wonders of the world.  Take the Roman Coliseum, for instance.  It's also large and overused.  

After reminding us that she "runs a multi-million dollar company" several times, she proceeds to throw a few Violet Beauregard-like tantrums before presumptuously hurling herself into a kiss with Nick, interrupting several people, and laying the foundation as the Crazy, Bad, and Slutty One this season.  

She's a classic spoiled brat who, in all likely reality, works as a phone-answerer/coffee getter at a company her father built and upon which she's freeloaded her entire life.  If Daddy's money and her own petulance don't work for her, she'll go to what is likely her only fallback position--sleeping with someone and considering it a privilege.  Nick will buy her act until she ruins it by throwing herself at him in a fit of frustration.  Let's hope he teaches her for the first time in her cushy life that you can't spell "Corrine" without N.O.   



ROSE (SGIA TOP 10)
Danielle L. “Small business owner” who loves The Notebook.  By far (in my opinion) the prettiest one out of the limo.  She's owns three nail salons, which is three more than the number of bras she owns.  Her full sternum, half boob reveal shirt made a big statement.  She got a rose.  I was thankful that it wasn't a corsage rose.  Nick would have struggled for a place to pin it.  She's hot and seems sane, but she's really young.  She'll do well.    



ROSE SGIA TOP 10 PICK


Danielle M.  NICU nurse with a nice, easy personality.  Almost too easy.  She might have pilfered a few muscle relaxers from the hospital pharmacy before the show.  Keep in mind that she still has the dead finance story in her back pocket.   We all know that's a get one more episode for free card.  It's like a morbid version of the Express Pass on Amazing Race.  She might not need it for a while.  He seemed either interested or maybe he just caught a second hand high.   



ROSE
Dominique.  VERY uneventful.  The restaurant server managed to get served with a rose.  She was lost in the sea of red dresses and didn't dress like a fish or a sea-faring mammal.  



ROSE
Elizabeth "Liz".  One of the few whose picture looks better than she did in person.  She admits to banging Nick at Jade's wedding but swears she won't tell anyone about it right after she told all of us about it on national television.  I can't wait until all of the other women find out.  

After her father pulled himself up off of his living room floor, I'm sure he was just as surprised as we were when she dropped, "it's kind of a turn on that [Nick] doesn't remember having sex with me."  God help us.  

Nick couldn't kick her to the curb (although he clearly wanted to) without looking like the douche he fought so hard to rehabilitate himself from in the first hour of the show.  She's a Doula.  I didn't have time to look that up, but from what I can gather, it means a shameless, fame-seeking, one night stand who can't take a hint.    



ROSE
Elizabeth.   "What is your greatest achievement to date? Not just one thing.  My life has been a journey of achievements that only I would appreciate." 

I know I wrote that last week, but its profundity deserves repeating.  It's equivalent to Spicoli's "I don't know" in Mr. Hand's class in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.   

She wore a wedding dress and was sufficiently attractive and non-irritating enough to get a rose.  



ROSE SGIA POSSIBLE SLEEPER
Hailey.  She proved her self to have a decent sense of humor as she used it to deflect from the impending possibility that she could lose her rose to the Girl in the Dolphin Shark Suit.  Incidentally, isn't that the title of a Stieg Larsson book?  She's a possible sleeper.  And by that I mean she's either going to come OOT of nowhere to make Canada proud or she's going to put us all to sleep trying.  



NO ROSE.

I hate to pile on a fellow Texan, but the trust fall out of the limo didn't earn her any points. She was attractive, just not memorable.



ROSE
Jaimi.  Her "I have balls" limo exit leading into the placement of a nose ring had Nick looking horrified.  Apparently, she let's him know that she's bisexual next week.  Note to Nick:  invite her on a two on one date before you eliminate her.  


NO ROSE
Jasmine B.  So odd that her love and mastery of Steve Harvey's prose didn't carry her easily past the first elimination.  Hopefully, she can convince her relatives to join her in trying out for Family Feud.  
  


ROSE
Jasmine G.  Anyone else recognize her from the Dallas Cowboys  Cheerleaders Making the Team reality show?  She's apparently an NBA dancer or something to that effect now.  She's attractive but went a little whacko when she started to feel insecure.  That's not a good sign a few hours into the first cocktail party on night one.  They've got less than a 25% chance of being eliminated.  That should never bring tears.  If she can pull it together, she'll stick around for a while.  



ROSE
Josephine.  Giggly millennial fool who jumped around Santa Monica in white pants (I knew it. #whitepantstheory) and made absolutely no sense when she spoke for the entire two hour program.  Maybe I'm mean, but I just don't like her.  She got one of the "you're not as bad as the bottom 8" roses.  Nick might be a "weiner in her book" but she's an idiot in mine.  Like her extensions, she'll fall off next week.  



ROSE
Kristina.  Not nearly as attractive as her headshot but she made up for it with the mysterious Latin accent.  Granted, she was crying at the time, but let's give her the benefit of the doubt like Jasmine G. above.  She's got some work to do, but may be competitive enough to dig herself out of the hole she's in.  



ROSE
Lacey rides a camel into the mansion driveway because Nick "likes a good hump."  Tasteless, but memorable.  At least she didn't wear a llama costume and refer to herself as a camel all night.  To be fair, Alexis would have had a hell of a time getting an undetected dolphin in the pool.  The same is true for a shark that resembles a dolphin.  I say every season that under the radar for the first couple of shows is often an effective strategy.  She disappeared after her memorable entry and that was enough to move her ahead.       



NO ROSE
Lauren.  Went with the Viall Hussie merger and Christened herself and Nick as a "Disgusting Slut".  Clever?  Not really.  Memorable? Apparently not.  She should have let him touch her supple shoulders.  

NO ROSE
Michelle.  She told Nick she'd make Lemons out of Lemonade.  Unoriginal and forgettable.  She had a pretty smile but failed to catch his attention.     


NO ROSE
Olivia (the Bachelor contestant, not the one on Scandal).  She was pretty but clearly lacked confidence.  I wished we would have heard her utter at least one word.  She could have gone full Eskimo out of the limo but made a nice entrance and seemed very promising.  Nick just wasn't that Innuit.  

Alright, I used that joke two weeks ago.  It's still funny.  I'll stop now, however.  I don't want to club it to death.  Olivia's quiet demeanor likely "sealed" the deal for Nick.  Goodbye Eskimo puns.   I'll miss you. 


FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE (SGIA TOP 5 PICK)


Rachel. She’s an attorney from Dallas who earned the hell out of the First Impression Rose. Also, the past few seasons have featured a high finisher who was first out of the limo. She was. The vacuuming in her living room was ridiculous and humiliating. Then again, she wasn't wearing a shark suit that she thought was a dolphin suit. She's going to go far for two reasons. First, she's pretty, seems fun, and held Nick's attention. I think that was genuine. Second, it's time for a "diverse" pick to make it further than the second episode. Call me what you want for saying that out loud, but I think it's true.  I do think she'll go Top 5 on her own merit. I liked her a lot even though she lied about what she does as a first year lawyer.   




ROSE (SGIA TOP 3 PICK)
Raven.  Top 3.  Hear me out.  Southern accent, dark hair, nice disposition.  She's a boutique owner, which means she's a bit artsy.  Nick likes artsy (Kaitlyn).  Small town values, quirky sense of humor, not the hottest and she knows it.  She'll be disarming (not like Sara, but in the emotional sense), which will allow Nick to be vulnerable.  She's an escape from the drama and I think he's going to like her.  Odds are, I'm wrong, but she's the only one that spiked my interest last week and this week.  I'm putting my money on her for Fantasy Suit.  "Quoth Some Guy From Austin and nothing more.” 



ROSE
Sarah.  She was bubbly and fun.  A little too bubbly and fun for my taste, but if she puts out Nick will probably like her.  The running shoes with the formal dress and the run up the driveway were a little too much, but we all know she was forced to do it.  I can't wait to see her drunk.  


NO ROSE
Susannah.  If we learn anything from her we should learn that in order to keep a man's attention it is often necessary to massage somewhere other than his beard.  She fumbled the ball.  



ROSE
Taylor.  Sigh.  She's a 23 year old mental health counselor who told Nick her friends think he's a "total piece of sh*t," although that was later revised to just one friend.  I don't know why they create the illusion like these women have been doing their professional jobs for years.  Just be honest about it.  You know that guy that walked through "her" office door was some boom operator from the crew who happened to be in the break area when they needed a "patient" for her to "treat" in her intro.


ROSE (SGIA TOP 5)
Vanessa.   She speaks a few languages, teaches special needs kids while wearing rattlesnake print hot pants, and has a personality.  She's not one of the most physically attractive to me, but she seems to have her head on straight and may be a bit of a Mother Hen type.  After all, special needs teaching has to be similar to herding drunken, morally flexible, mansion hostages, albeit far less important and not nearly as gratifying.  

Teaching is a calling and a gift and teaching those who have difficulty being taught takes an incredibly exceptional type of person.  Who knows how she got talked into this show.  Nick will like her.    



ROSE POSSIBLE SGIA SLEEPER TOP 5

Come Hither Stare Whitney.  Pilates instructor is a cool job for a hot chick and Nick will likely be forced into that weird pseudo-sexual gym date with her very soon.  She's hot and kept her head down.  She could be sitting back waiting for her time to shine.   


Well, there it is.  Episode 1 is in the can and we're now down to 22 women from a record-setting 30.  That doesn't count whomever they bring back ala Nick on Kaitlyn's season to stir up trouble, but you get the picture.  

I'm looking forward to a great season.  Please post your feedback in the Comments section below.  Let's discuss.  In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be looking for a doula to help me with my platinum vagine.  


DP