Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Bachelorette JoJo Episode 9: We're All Short on Time

Hello, Readers.   Yea, I know.  I missed a post last week during Home Town Week.  As most of you know, I’m a current member of the American work force and also a current mortgagor on Wells Fargo’s “B*tch Better Have My Money” List.  As such, it’s imperative for me to prioritize.  I’m sorry I missed, but it was unavoidable.

First things first:  Happy Birthday to Our Host Chris Harrison.

Speaking of priorities, I wondered if JoJo had her own in order when she pulled that crying stunt in her royal blue prom dress on the lonely airfield at the end of last week and the beginning of this week’s show.  Was I the only one who thought Luke’s hometown visit went just about as well as one of those awkward meet and greets could go?  I was in Burnet a few weeks ago on my way up to Marble Falls, Texas.  It’s beautiful there and I was certain that the sunset glass of wine and face sucking on the ad hoc hay bale couch would seal the deal for Luke. 

How shocked did he look when JoJo dropped the hammer at the Rose Ceremony?  I’m not one to toot my own horn (I prefer someone to toot it for me), but I’m usually right about the choices at this point in the season.  I have to admit, I was more blindsided than Luke when JoJo kicked him out of the hangar door in favor of a stiff from Colorado and two dudes who dress like members of the freaking Go Go’s.

As long as I’m wading around in the genre, I also procured a picture of Jordan and Robby taken to promote the final episode.

If it doesn't work out with JoJo can we date each other? 

Remember those guys?  I look back on that picture and ask myself “how did I not know?”    

At any rate, a shocked Luke jumps in the limo on the way to the airport and we hear the producer across from him say, “Now swear a lot or cry.  We’re going to drive around the tarmac until you do one or both.” 

So what’s my take on Luke?  Look, your guess is as good as mine, but I think she was all in until the Hometown Date.  She must have seen a red flag or two while she was visiting with the entire town.  Maybe she’s not a small town girl.  Maybe he’s a little too chummy with mom and dad.  Maybe she’s afraid she’ll end up happy.   I think we’d all agree that Luke was a better, if not more obvious, pick than Chase.  Predictably, he got the boot too while simultaneously dropping one of the best analogies in Bachelorette history. 

“I get a Fantasy Suite Card and then I get sent home,” he lamented.  “That’s like, ‘hey drop your pants’ and then you kick me in the nuts.” 

Frankly, it’s difficult to argue with that statement.  Crude?  Perhaps, a tad.  Accurate?  Damn right it is.  The poor guy took 27 years to tell a girl he loved her, did it on national television, and then got summarily dumped moments later.   A kick in the nuts would have been infinitely less humiliating than that moment.  She could have at least given up a courtesy bang in the Fantasy Suite and phoned up some chilled cantaloupe and honeydew the following morning.  She’d already banged herself 2/3 of the way through the final dudes.  You ever see a barefoot Kenyan drop out of a marathon in mile 25?  I’m just sayin’. 

So here we are.  Hair-wise, we’re left with Peppermint Patty vs. Woody Woodpecker in the battle for the heretofore unlucky-in-love JoJo.  Like I said, I’m at a loss this time; however, I have a feeling that Jordan is going to win.  Honestly, what girl can look a guy in the eye and say I love you when she’s getting pedicures with him?  Robby owns more white pants and pink flannel shirts than JoJo does for crying out loud.  Throw in the fact that—no matter how remote—if JoJo picks Jordan there’s always the chance she can facilitate a reunion between the wayward go-jillionaire Aaron Rogers and his former football playing brother in hopes of brunching on his yacht or whatever.       

If Luke isn’t the next Bachelor, I don’t know who is.  Perhaps they’ll ween Chad off of his Stanazolol and protein diet and encourage him to take one or two of those yoga classes that Chase and Chris Soules were subjected to on their dates perhaps he’ll mellow out enough to not verbally or physically abuse anyone for a while.  Granted, “a while” in Chad’s world is around the life expectancy of the tse tse fly, but whatever.    

Unfortunately, the guy is a Producer’s dream.  Getting him wound up is like blowing gently on a forest fire.  Besides, the Producers can find wimps like Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Guy to throw in front of him like raw meat in front of a caged lion.   I might actually tune in to see that. 

Unfortunately, folks, that’s all the time I have to write this week.  I figured something is better than nothing.   Work should calm down in August and I’ll have some time for off-season reflections.  I’m still debating myself regarding the Bachelor in Paradise season.  Encourage me. 

Thanks, as always, for your patience and your patronage.  I appreciate it.  Weigh in on your pick for the Kentucky Derby winner and let me know your thoughts on the big finale.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be getting a pedicure with my girlfriends over a glass of Chardonnay.  DP

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Bachelorette JoJo Episode 7: Show James the Pomp-a-Door

Hello, Readers.  Welcome back to this week’s installment of JoJo’s hunt for a husband (maybe).  The good news is that she’s narrowed the field down to an Ewok and a bunch of guys who all use more hair product than she does. 

We start out again in Buenos Aires, Argentina—the now infamous sight of Derek’s epic crying session in the limo two weeks ago as the Argentinian Celine Dion belted out “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina.”  I figured some of you would need that reset in light of the two-week break.  I also thought it was worth mentioning again in order to marvel at the devious brilliance of the Bachelorette Editing Department. 

JoJo ain’t got no time fo’ that, however.  She’s packing her shit into a suitcase sporting pirate boots and a white coat.  “This week is huge,” she observes while navigating the cobble stone streets and attempting to avoid a high ankle sprain in her high heeled pirate boots.    

Our “men” arrive with freshly gelled hair and the remainder of this summer’s Old Navy collection strewn about their bodies.  Unfortunately, that particular Old Navy didn’t have the proper size for any of the guys.  It reminded me of when my grandfather, who I saw once every 18 months or so growing up, would send us shirts in the mail as a gift and they were always two sizes too small.

Why don't our clothes fit?  

They Oooo and Ahhhh the latest iteration of the Guy Lair and Harrison has the courtesy to knock before dropping in with a Date Card tucked in his gray Mr. Rogers sweater serving as a thoughtful accent to his gray Sketchers.  It really tied the entire ensemble together, did it not?     

At first glance, I thought Robby borrowed the complimentary shower slippers from the hotel; however, it became apparent that he was serious about his white slip ons, which almost eclipsed his half Peppermint Patty-esque hair-don’t.  To be fair, there is at least one major difference between Robby and Peppermint Patty:  Robby is more feminine than Peppermint Patty.

I love Robby's Hair.

4 dates: 3 one-on-ones and 1 group date.  Big week.  It is, after all, Hometown tryouts. Harrison drops the Date Card.  He’s Out. 

Granted, it’s been only two weeks since the last show but was I the only one who forgot all the guy’s names? James Taylor, that’s it.  He’s no James Taylor.  Oh, and is it me or do Chase and Jordan appear to be turning into the same person?  For their sake, if only one of them makes it to the Fantasy Suite, let’s hope they’re Corsican Twins.  If they put their pompadours any closer together I was fearful that the hair would just merge into one giant pompadour making them closer to Siamese Twins.  Granted, that’s no longer the preferred nomenclature (it’s Conjoined), but you get the picture. 


“Alex, I gaucho on my mind.  JoJo.” 

Alex gets the first one-on-one.  It was, of course, apparent to all of the experienced Bachelorette watchers that the first one-on-one in a 3 one-on-one week this late in the season was equivalent to a plane ticket home.  Getting a one-on-one under those circumstances is like being the fat guy trapped in the mine after the others start getting hungry.  He was about to be eaten and we all knew it. 

“Now you can stop bitching,” exclaims Jordan.  Amen.  Too delusional to care, Alex tucks his pant legs into his army boots and marches off to meet his fate . . . one tiny step at a time.  We all knew it would be a short week for Alex. (see what I did there?).  JoJo greets him in a fancy Jeep and straps him into his car seat before giving him his binky and his rattle and heading out to the countryside like Paulie Gatto being driven out to Long Island to get whacked by Clemenza’s men in The Godfather.  Say it with me:  “Leave the Gun.  Take the Cannoli.” 

The remaining dudes leave on some colored bus thing.  James Taylor wears his tank top and Robby holds tightly to his white slippers and his Peppermint Patty hair. 

JoJo educates Alex (and us) with her pre-production talking points about being a gaucho.   Then she has Alex put on a ridiculous outfit while the guys eat strange meat out of a trailer and make short jokes about Alex. 

JoJo rides her horse in her suede gauchita(?) pants and Alex gallops close by on his Shetland Pony looking like a waiter at a Brazilian Steakhouse.

JoJo, want to see my meat?  

She’s so glad she had the time to hang out with Alex, she tells us through a forced smile.  Translation:  I’m so glad I confirmed I’m not attracted to him. 

Then it got weird.  Really weird.  Like some Argentinian Gaucho re-enactment from Shaffer’s Equus, they watch some guy molest a horse.  Was I the only one who wasn’t disturbed by that?   Perhaps the Gaucho was trying to prepare JoJo for the Fantasy Suite, I wondered.

Dinner with Alex.  Stray dogs and homeless guys playing guitar lurk around adding a special ambiance to Alex’s delusion.  Alex gets presumptuous with the hometown talk, eventually dropping,  “I think I’m falling in love with you.” 

I'll make noise over the deafening silence.

She’s clearly not impressed.  She gets very serious.  She’s not really sure what to think about it.  After a very pregnant pause, she drops the hammer, “Yea, um . . .,” she begins.

Telling someone that you love her and then hearing deafening silence followed by a sigh and a “yea, um . . .” is not the desired response. 

JoJo levels with Alex.  We knew that was coming and so did she before she scrawled out the Date Card while figuring out what she was going to wear on her date with Jordan.  He shuts down as she sends him home.  He had better luck with the horse.  I’ll bet he felt like he’d been cut off at the knees.    

“I don’t know how to do this,” she laments after giving him the boot.  Actually, I thought she did a pretty good job. 
Robby ditches his white slippers in favor of a pink shirt.  He probably didn’t want to appear gay.  Images of Molina from Puig’s Kiss of a Spider Woman danced around my head.  Mostly because it’s an unbelievably overrated novel with a catchy title about homosexuality, but also because Puig is the one Argentinian author I can remember reading.   

Date Card.  “Jordan, Let’s toast to love.  Love, JoJo.”  Second one-on-one for Jordan.  He gloats.  Big mistake. 

Jordan dusts off his purple v-neck and cute little flowery shorts on before hitting the limo and heading to his private jet while simultaneously talking about how he’s not entitled.   JoJo shows up in black shawl thing and Daisy Dukes.  Boom.  Private Jet Date equals hometown for sure.   Mendoza, Argentina.  Vineyard walking.

His shirt matches the grapes.  They stomp the grapes mercilessly before scooping up a glass that toasting each other with it.  To be fair, self-induced diarrhea at this point in the season is like a well-timed water pill. 

Jordan’s cute little flowery shorts double for a swimsuit and JoJo dons her blue bikini.  Back at the Guy Lair, Luke and Chase chat about things while failing to realize they all have the same hair.  Chase drops the “she needs a real guy with a real job in a real town.”  Ouch.   

Date Card.  “Chase, James, Robby, Let our love soar.”  Or is it “sore”.  Perhaps that’s for after the Fantasy Suite dates.   Luke gets last one-on-one.  We all knew Chucklehead James Taylor was headed for the scrap pile.  

Dinner.  Jordan wears tight clothes and she wears a leather skirt.  They recap the date.  He finally breaks the news that he doesn’t have any relationship with his famous brother.  I have to admit, that was a bit shocking.  JoJo feigns empathy and tries not to lament the fact that she doesn’t get Superbowl tickets and a free ticket to shop with her rich sister-in-law in the future. He opens up to her about football and seems to lay it on a bit thick but I’ll give him a pass because he doesn’t have a lot of time to finesse that sort of thing. 

He drops I love you and gets a kiss.  That’s a little more than “Yea, um . . .”.  She bought it.  He’s still in the race. 

Rain hits and spoils the JoJo Group Date.  Change of plans.   They’ll kick the 6 ABC interns out of their hospitality suite for the day and let the dudes sword fight it out over JoJo.   Seriously?  That’s the best they could think of in Argentina?  Surely everything in that country is not without a roof or a cover over it.   

Regardless, James Taylor tries to impress JoJo by shoving fries in his mouth, then they do a “massage train,” play Pictionary, and fall just shy of painting each other’s toenails before having a pillow fight and calling Chris Harrison’s room to see if his refrigerator is running.  So dumb. 

Robby gets a dare and has to remove his clothes.  I was wondering how he was going to get his pants over his ankles. 

James continues being a dork.  JoJo goes on a walk with Robby.  He brings his favorite shawl so he doesn’t get his fancy jeans wet on the park bench.  They would have made the perfect accent to his white slippers.  Shame he didn’t have them.  Robby confesses love for her 4.5 months after his last FOUR YEAR relationship.  Below is a picture of him and his ex-girlfriend.  I believe her name was Marcie.

I love you, Robby.  Yes, but I love JoJo.  Check out my slippers.

JoJo gets a one-on-one with Chase.  I noticed holes in the knees of her jeans.  I fought to recall if those were there prior to her time with Robby.  I hoped, for Chase’s sake, that I had simply failed to be observant. 

James Taylor is a curly-headed fool.  He cuts off her questions about his family and she looks impatient.  He tries to play to his strengths but there aren’t any.  I almost felt sorry for him at this point.  Like a 16-year old Labrador on its way to the vet, James had to know something was up.

Date Rose:  Robby gets it as suspected.  Running around in your underwear in a hotel will do that.  That was awkward beyond belief.  Then she makes it more awkward by kicking them out of the room and spending time with Robby.  Chase handles it stoically . . . as does his hair.  James Taylor doesn’t take it as well.  

James Taylor tells us that, “her giving the date rose to Robby says indirectly that she wants to meet Robby’s family more than mine.”  Actually, it DIRECTLY says that, chucklehead.  I was ready for him and his guitar to go. 

Luke’s final one-on-one date.  They both have their riding pants on and visit Alex’s “horse,” Snowflake the Shetland pony. 

Let me just say this about Luke’s date.  Could the producers have teed that up better for the ranch guy from the country?  Horseback riding?  Check.  Guns?  Check.  Skeet shooting?  Check.  They did him a solid and she ate it up.  Solid work.  To be fair, he swung for the fence with the one-on-one and it worked.  Just because it’s teed up for you, doesn’t mean you don’t have to connect with the ball and keep it in the fairway.  Luke kept it in the middle of the fairway.  Giving Luke that date would be like giving me the shotguns and Lone Star beer date.  He’s the front runner.   

Rose Ceremony.

Roses.   She shows up in black sequins and gets right to business. 

1.         Robby
2.         Luke
3.         Jordan
4.         Chase


James Taylor.  Rock a Bye, Sweet Baby James 

We all saw that lying in the road ahead of us.  He looked hurt.  He gets the walk and talk.  I never understood that part.  What’s the point?  That’s like stepping on someone’s toe and then sitting them down to discuss it.

Well, there it is.  We head into hometowns next week in order to see which family can out class JoJo’s Brothers’ horrific hometown with Ben last season.  My money is on Luke to ride into the sunset, but Jordan could rally.  Your thoughts below, please.  Let’s discuss.  Have a wonderful rest of the week.  In the meantime, I’ll be trying to get my jeans off over my ankles.  DP