Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Bachelorette JoJo Episode 7: Show James the Pomp-a-Door

Hello, Readers.  Welcome back to this week’s installment of JoJo’s hunt for a husband (maybe).  The good news is that she’s narrowed the field down to an Ewok and a bunch of guys who all use more hair product than she does. 

We start out again in Buenos Aires, Argentina—the now infamous sight of Derek’s epic crying session in the limo two weeks ago as the Argentinian Celine Dion belted out “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina.”  I figured some of you would need that reset in light of the two-week break.  I also thought it was worth mentioning again in order to marvel at the devious brilliance of the Bachelorette Editing Department. 

JoJo ain’t got no time fo’ that, however.  She’s packing her shit into a suitcase sporting pirate boots and a white coat.  “This week is huge,” she observes while navigating the cobble stone streets and attempting to avoid a high ankle sprain in her high heeled pirate boots.    

Our “men” arrive with freshly gelled hair and the remainder of this summer’s Old Navy collection strewn about their bodies.  Unfortunately, that particular Old Navy didn’t have the proper size for any of the guys.  It reminded me of when my grandfather, who I saw once every 18 months or so growing up, would send us shirts in the mail as a gift and they were always two sizes too small.

Why don't our clothes fit?  

They Oooo and Ahhhh the latest iteration of the Guy Lair and Harrison has the courtesy to knock before dropping in with a Date Card tucked in his gray Mr. Rogers sweater serving as a thoughtful accent to his gray Sketchers.  It really tied the entire ensemble together, did it not?     

At first glance, I thought Robby borrowed the complimentary shower slippers from the hotel; however, it became apparent that he was serious about his white slip ons, which almost eclipsed his half Peppermint Patty-esque hair-don’t.  To be fair, there is at least one major difference between Robby and Peppermint Patty:  Robby is more feminine than Peppermint Patty.

I love Robby's Hair.

4 dates: 3 one-on-ones and 1 group date.  Big week.  It is, after all, Hometown tryouts. Harrison drops the Date Card.  He’s Out. 

Granted, it’s been only two weeks since the last show but was I the only one who forgot all the guy’s names? James Taylor, that’s it.  He’s no James Taylor.  Oh, and is it me or do Chase and Jordan appear to be turning into the same person?  For their sake, if only one of them makes it to the Fantasy Suite, let’s hope they’re Corsican Twins.  If they put their pompadours any closer together I was fearful that the hair would just merge into one giant pompadour making them closer to Siamese Twins.  Granted, that’s no longer the preferred nomenclature (it’s Conjoined), but you get the picture. 


“Alex, I gaucho on my mind.  JoJo.” 

Alex gets the first one-on-one.  It was, of course, apparent to all of the experienced Bachelorette watchers that the first one-on-one in a 3 one-on-one week this late in the season was equivalent to a plane ticket home.  Getting a one-on-one under those circumstances is like being the fat guy trapped in the mine after the others start getting hungry.  He was about to be eaten and we all knew it. 

“Now you can stop bitching,” exclaims Jordan.  Amen.  Too delusional to care, Alex tucks his pant legs into his army boots and marches off to meet his fate . . . one tiny step at a time.  We all knew it would be a short week for Alex. (see what I did there?).  JoJo greets him in a fancy Jeep and straps him into his car seat before giving him his binky and his rattle and heading out to the countryside like Paulie Gatto being driven out to Long Island to get whacked by Clemenza’s men in The Godfather.  Say it with me:  “Leave the Gun.  Take the Cannoli.” 

The remaining dudes leave on some colored bus thing.  James Taylor wears his tank top and Robby holds tightly to his white slippers and his Peppermint Patty hair. 

JoJo educates Alex (and us) with her pre-production talking points about being a gaucho.   Then she has Alex put on a ridiculous outfit while the guys eat strange meat out of a trailer and make short jokes about Alex. 

JoJo rides her horse in her suede gauchita(?) pants and Alex gallops close by on his Shetland Pony looking like a waiter at a Brazilian Steakhouse.

JoJo, want to see my meat?  

She’s so glad she had the time to hang out with Alex, she tells us through a forced smile.  Translation:  I’m so glad I confirmed I’m not attracted to him. 

Then it got weird.  Really weird.  Like some Argentinian Gaucho re-enactment from Shaffer’s Equus, they watch some guy molest a horse.  Was I the only one who wasn’t disturbed by that?   Perhaps the Gaucho was trying to prepare JoJo for the Fantasy Suite, I wondered.

Dinner with Alex.  Stray dogs and homeless guys playing guitar lurk around adding a special ambiance to Alex’s delusion.  Alex gets presumptuous with the hometown talk, eventually dropping,  “I think I’m falling in love with you.” 

I'll make noise over the deafening silence.

She’s clearly not impressed.  She gets very serious.  She’s not really sure what to think about it.  After a very pregnant pause, she drops the hammer, “Yea, um . . .,” she begins.

Telling someone that you love her and then hearing deafening silence followed by a sigh and a “yea, um . . .” is not the desired response. 

JoJo levels with Alex.  We knew that was coming and so did she before she scrawled out the Date Card while figuring out what she was going to wear on her date with Jordan.  He shuts down as she sends him home.  He had better luck with the horse.  I’ll bet he felt like he’d been cut off at the knees.    

“I don’t know how to do this,” she laments after giving him the boot.  Actually, I thought she did a pretty good job. 
Robby ditches his white slippers in favor of a pink shirt.  He probably didn’t want to appear gay.  Images of Molina from Puig’s Kiss of a Spider Woman danced around my head.  Mostly because it’s an unbelievably overrated novel with a catchy title about homosexuality, but also because Puig is the one Argentinian author I can remember reading.   

Date Card.  “Jordan, Let’s toast to love.  Love, JoJo.”  Second one-on-one for Jordan.  He gloats.  Big mistake. 

Jordan dusts off his purple v-neck and cute little flowery shorts on before hitting the limo and heading to his private jet while simultaneously talking about how he’s not entitled.   JoJo shows up in black shawl thing and Daisy Dukes.  Boom.  Private Jet Date equals hometown for sure.   Mendoza, Argentina.  Vineyard walking.

His shirt matches the grapes.  They stomp the grapes mercilessly before scooping up a glass that toasting each other with it.  To be fair, self-induced diarrhea at this point in the season is like a well-timed water pill. 

Jordan’s cute little flowery shorts double for a swimsuit and JoJo dons her blue bikini.  Back at the Guy Lair, Luke and Chase chat about things while failing to realize they all have the same hair.  Chase drops the “she needs a real guy with a real job in a real town.”  Ouch.   

Date Card.  “Chase, James, Robby, Let our love soar.”  Or is it “sore”.  Perhaps that’s for after the Fantasy Suite dates.   Luke gets last one-on-one.  We all knew Chucklehead James Taylor was headed for the scrap pile.  

Dinner.  Jordan wears tight clothes and she wears a leather skirt.  They recap the date.  He finally breaks the news that he doesn’t have any relationship with his famous brother.  I have to admit, that was a bit shocking.  JoJo feigns empathy and tries not to lament the fact that she doesn’t get Superbowl tickets and a free ticket to shop with her rich sister-in-law in the future. He opens up to her about football and seems to lay it on a bit thick but I’ll give him a pass because he doesn’t have a lot of time to finesse that sort of thing. 

He drops I love you and gets a kiss.  That’s a little more than “Yea, um . . .”.  She bought it.  He’s still in the race. 

Rain hits and spoils the JoJo Group Date.  Change of plans.   They’ll kick the 6 ABC interns out of their hospitality suite for the day and let the dudes sword fight it out over JoJo.   Seriously?  That’s the best they could think of in Argentina?  Surely everything in that country is not without a roof or a cover over it.   

Regardless, James Taylor tries to impress JoJo by shoving fries in his mouth, then they do a “massage train,” play Pictionary, and fall just shy of painting each other’s toenails before having a pillow fight and calling Chris Harrison’s room to see if his refrigerator is running.  So dumb. 

Robby gets a dare and has to remove his clothes.  I was wondering how he was going to get his pants over his ankles. 

James continues being a dork.  JoJo goes on a walk with Robby.  He brings his favorite shawl so he doesn’t get his fancy jeans wet on the park bench.  They would have made the perfect accent to his white slippers.  Shame he didn’t have them.  Robby confesses love for her 4.5 months after his last FOUR YEAR relationship.  Below is a picture of him and his ex-girlfriend.  I believe her name was Marcie.

I love you, Robby.  Yes, but I love JoJo.  Check out my slippers.

JoJo gets a one-on-one with Chase.  I noticed holes in the knees of her jeans.  I fought to recall if those were there prior to her time with Robby.  I hoped, for Chase’s sake, that I had simply failed to be observant. 

James Taylor is a curly-headed fool.  He cuts off her questions about his family and she looks impatient.  He tries to play to his strengths but there aren’t any.  I almost felt sorry for him at this point.  Like a 16-year old Labrador on its way to the vet, James had to know something was up.

Date Rose:  Robby gets it as suspected.  Running around in your underwear in a hotel will do that.  That was awkward beyond belief.  Then she makes it more awkward by kicking them out of the room and spending time with Robby.  Chase handles it stoically . . . as does his hair.  James Taylor doesn’t take it as well.  

James Taylor tells us that, “her giving the date rose to Robby says indirectly that she wants to meet Robby’s family more than mine.”  Actually, it DIRECTLY says that, chucklehead.  I was ready for him and his guitar to go. 

Luke’s final one-on-one date.  They both have their riding pants on and visit Alex’s “horse,” Snowflake the Shetland pony. 

Let me just say this about Luke’s date.  Could the producers have teed that up better for the ranch guy from the country?  Horseback riding?  Check.  Guns?  Check.  Skeet shooting?  Check.  They did him a solid and she ate it up.  Solid work.  To be fair, he swung for the fence with the one-on-one and it worked.  Just because it’s teed up for you, doesn’t mean you don’t have to connect with the ball and keep it in the fairway.  Luke kept it in the middle of the fairway.  Giving Luke that date would be like giving me the shotguns and Lone Star beer date.  He’s the front runner.   

Rose Ceremony.

Roses.   She shows up in black sequins and gets right to business. 

1.         Robby
2.         Luke
3.         Jordan
4.         Chase


James Taylor.  Rock a Bye, Sweet Baby James 

We all saw that lying in the road ahead of us.  He looked hurt.  He gets the walk and talk.  I never understood that part.  What’s the point?  That’s like stepping on someone’s toe and then sitting them down to discuss it.

Well, there it is.  We head into hometowns next week in order to see which family can out class JoJo’s Brothers’ horrific hometown with Ben last season.  My money is on Luke to ride into the sunset, but Jordan could rally.  Your thoughts below, please.  Let’s discuss.  Have a wonderful rest of the week.  In the meantime, I’ll be trying to get my jeans off over my ankles.  DP




  1. Quality work, Some Guy. I actually think Jordan has a better chance of winning the whole thing, though; she doesn't look at anyone the way she looks at him. Poor Luke is the best pick out of them, and has been for a while, but the best pick usually doesn't win.

  2. Jojo is clearly bananas for Jordan; I think she picks him in the end. I think Luke gets the Arie blindside at the end and becomes the next Bachelor.

  3. SGIA, you are too much. And I mean that in a very good way. I loved your girly man and Peppermint Patty pics too.

  4. Great write up! So many funny lines.

  5. Well worth the wait, SGIA. I quite literally spit coffee at my computer a few times while reading this. I'll be sure to avoid the combination for next week's read.

    Peppermint Patty. Classic.

  6. I agree with the above posters who say that she has bought what Jordan is selling. Honestly, I think he's full of crap and find him to be disingenuous but Jojo is 25 years old. I think she really likes Luke a lot and if she was a bit more mature, he would be who she picks. He'd be my pick. West Point, 9 year military vet, grew up on a ranch, musician, college football player- he's like the real live version of Tim Riggins and I'm here for that!

  7. Solid recap, as always! Loved all of the short jokes and puns about Alex (and I'm allowed to say that because I'm only about 5'1" on a good hair day. HA!). Zero surprise that he and James Taylor got sent home this week.

    While I agree with you on almost everything, I actually think that she's about even on her feelings with Jordan and Luke. I think that most of us were shocked by Jordan's admission about his relationship (or lack thereof) with his brother. But I'm a bit confused by this. I feel like this is another contrived situation made up by the show. Here's a few fun facts.... IF he is, in fact, not close to his brother how can you explain that his ex-girlfriend is very close friends with Olivia Munn (Aaron's gf). Also, Jordan had a small cameo with a few of the Green Bay Packers in the Pitch Perfect 2 movie. Why would he be hanging out with some of his brother's teammates??? Doesn't that seem odd? Or is it just me??? Maybe Aaron didn't want to partake in any of this so they came up with the bad relationship scenario?!?!? Very curious....

    Anyway, I like both Jordan and Luke but probably leaning towards Luke. He's really the whole package. He also seems more sincere (albeit a bit too serious...lighten up a little bit cowboy! No wonder you need some Botox in your forehead. HA!)... Robby and Chase will be gone soon enough - I can't even tell them apart anyway!

    Thanks for the morning laughs!

    Rose in OC

    1. So also in the world of behind the scenes stuff, apparently Luke is actually pretty funny in real life. He may be more stoic than others, and not a good time frat boy, but not as serious as shown on the show. And I'm guessing he earned those wrinkles the good old fashioned sun damage way.

      Olivia Munn has actually said in an interview that Jordan and Aaron don't speak much but there must be more to the story than that and based on Nashville buzz, Jordan has been telling some one-sided stories.

    2. Thanks for the laughs SG, you didn't have to do that.

      Just so you know, I also vote for Luke, I was sure I spotted some sense of humour there too, so that's good news, but would she drink his toe-juice? As someone so perturbingly put it over at Lincee's.


  8. You certainly have a talent for coming up with characters who have hair like our Bachelors. PEPPERMINT PATTY! OMG YES! How can he look in the mirror and think that is attractive?

    And I think if Chase and Jordan ever let their matching bouffant hairdo's touch, that it would rip a hole in the space-time continuum.

    Cindy S. from Hoover

  9. Home from vacation and finished watching the show a few minutes ago. All season long I kept thinking Robby looked like someone I knew. When I read your reference to Peppermint Patty and saw her pic I went "Yes!!".
    You killed me with all the short jokes about Alex. He looked so silly in his gaucho outfit. Then he tells JoJo he was her "Goocho". I died laughing.
    No question Jordan and Luke are final 2. Luke would be my pick because he is the total package, but she is 25 and will go for Jordan. Luke should be the next Bachelor but I fear producers will choose either Robbie or Chase.

  10. Loved your recap--the Peppermint Patty references were hilarious. Robbie just gives me the heebie-jeebies. Something a little shady about him. I won't be able to look at him anymore without seeing Peppermint Patty though, so that might make him a little more palatable. (Which is not saying much because I pretty much found her super annoying as a kid.)

    I thought Jordan was it, but now I think she will pick Luke and Jordan will be the next Bachelor.

    I particularly enjoyed this recap~thanks!

    Kim (formerly in FL, now in NY, always a Longhorn at heart)

  11. 1) Alex's horse Snowflake.
    2) Like a 16-year old Labrador on its way to the vet, James had to know something was up.
    3) I believe James did not know something was up. Bless his heart.

    Your writing has turned me into a chucklehead, DP.


  12. I really like Luke. He seemed fun and sincere and kind.

    However, I get a funny feeling that Chase might be getting the dark horse edit. They don't show much of him but what they do show is all favorable. And remember back on the 2 on 1 when Jojo was a bit peeved at Chase bc she felt that she liked him more than he liked her? Just something to consider-

    Thanks for the always fun read!

  13. Marcie and peppermint Pattie.....there are no words for how funny you are

  14. From the Peppermint Patty hair to Jojo strapping Alex in the carseat and giving him a binky -- I was laughing out loud the whole way through this one. Seems to me like they could be setting it up for Luke to be the next bachelor.

  15. Luke =
    love it :)