Hello, Readers. Welcome back to this week’s installment of JoJo’s hunt for a husband (maybe). The good news is that she’s narrowed the field down to an Ewok and a bunch of guys who all use more hair product than she does.
We start out again in Buenos Aires, Argentina—the now infamous sight of Derek’s epic crying session in the limo two weeks ago as the Argentinian Celine Dion belted out “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina.” I figured some of you would need that reset in light of the two-week break. I also thought it was worth mentioning again in order to marvel at the devious brilliance of the Bachelorette Editing Department.
JoJo ain’t got no time fo’ that, however. She’s packing her shit into a suitcase sporting pirate boots and a white coat. “This week is huge,” she observes while navigating the cobble stone streets and attempting to avoid a high ankle sprain in her high heeled pirate boots.
Our “men” arrive with freshly gelled hair and the remainder of this summer’s Old Navy collection strewn about their bodies. Unfortunately, that particular Old Navy didn’t have the proper size for any of the guys. It reminded me of when my grandfather, who I saw once every 18 months or so growing up, would send us shirts in the mail as a gift and they were always two sizes too small.
|Why don't our clothes fit?|
They Oooo and Ahhhh the latest iteration of the Guy Lair and Harrison has the courtesy to knock before dropping in with a Date Card tucked in his gray Mr. Rogers sweater serving as a thoughtful accent to his gray Sketchers. It really tied the entire ensemble together, did it not?
At first glance, I thought Robby borrowed the complimentary shower slippers from the hotel; however, it became apparent that he was serious about his white slip ons, which almost eclipsed his half Peppermint Patty-esque hair-don’t. To be fair, there is at least one major difference between Robby and Peppermint Patty: Robby is more feminine than Peppermint Patty.
|I love Robby's Hair.|
4 dates: 3 one-on-ones and 1 group date. Big week. It is, after all, Hometown tryouts. Harrison drops the Date Card. He’s Out.
Granted, it’s been only two weeks since the last show but was I the only one who forgot all the guy’s names? James Taylor, that’s it. He’s no James Taylor. Oh, and is it me or do Chase and Jordan appear to be turning into the same person? For their sake, if only one of them makes it to the Fantasy Suite, let’s hope they’re Corsican Twins. If they put their pompadours any closer together I was fearful that the hair would just merge into one giant pompadour making them closer to Siamese Twins. Granted, that’s no longer the preferred nomenclature (it’s Conjoined), but you get the picture.
“Alex, I gaucho on my mind. JoJo.”
Alex gets the first one-on-one. It was, of course, apparent to all of the experienced Bachelorette watchers that the first one-on-one in a 3 one-on-one week this late in the season was equivalent to a plane ticket home. Getting a one-on-one under those circumstances is like being the fat guy trapped in the mine after the others start getting hungry. He was about to be eaten and we all knew it.
“Now you can stop bitching,” exclaims Jordan. Amen. Too delusional to care, Alex tucks his pant legs into his army boots and marches off to meet his fate . . . one tiny step at a time. We all knew it would be a short week for Alex. (see what I did there?). JoJo greets him in a fancy Jeep and straps him into his car seat before giving him his binky and his rattle and heading out to the countryside like Paulie Gatto being driven out to Long Island to get whacked by Clemenza’s men in The Godfather. Say it with me: “Leave the Gun. Take the Cannoli.”
The remaining dudes leave on some colored bus thing. James Taylor wears his tank top and Robby holds tightly to his white slippers and his Peppermint Patty hair.
JoJo educates Alex (and us) with her pre-production talking points about being a gaucho. Then she has Alex put on a ridiculous outfit while the guys eat strange meat out of a trailer and make short jokes about Alex.
JoJo rides her horse in her suede gauchita(?) pants and Alex gallops close by on his Shetland Pony looking like a waiter at a Brazilian Steakhouse.
|JoJo, want to see my meat?|
She’s so glad she had the time to hang out with Alex, she tells us through a forced smile. Translation: I’m so glad I confirmed I’m not attracted to him.
Then it got weird. Really weird. Like some Argentinian Gaucho re-enactment from Shaffer’s Equus, they watch some guy molest a horse. Was I the only one who wasn’t disturbed by that? Perhaps the Gaucho was trying to prepare JoJo for the Fantasy Suite, I wondered.
Dinner with Alex. Stray dogs and homeless guys playing guitar lurk around adding a special ambiance to Alex’s delusion. Alex gets presumptuous with the hometown talk, eventually dropping, “I think I’m falling in love with you.”
|I'll make noise over the deafening silence.|
She’s clearly not impressed. She gets very serious. She’s not really sure what to think about it. After a very pregnant pause, she drops the hammer, “Yea, um . . .,” she begins.
Telling someone that you love her and then hearing deafening silence followed by a sigh and a “yea, um . . .” is not the desired response.
JoJo levels with Alex. We knew that was coming and so did she before she scrawled out the Date Card while figuring out what she was going to wear on her date with Jordan. He shuts down as she sends him home. He had better luck with the horse. I’ll bet he felt like he’d been cut off at the knees.
“I don’t know how to do this,” she laments after giving him the boot. Actually, I thought she did a pretty good job.
Robby ditches his white slippers in favor of a pink shirt. He probably didn’t want to appear gay. Images of Molina from Puig’s Kiss of a Spider Woman danced around my head. Mostly because it’s an unbelievably overrated novel with a catchy title about homosexuality, but also because Puig is the one Argentinian author I can remember reading.
Date Card. “Jordan, Let’s toast to love. Love, JoJo.” Second one-on-one for Jordan. He gloats. Big mistake.
Jordan dusts off his purple v-neck and cute little flowery shorts on before hitting the limo and heading to his private jet while simultaneously talking about how he’s not entitled. JoJo shows up in black shawl thing and Daisy Dukes. Boom. Private Jet Date equals hometown for sure. Mendoza, Argentina. Vineyard walking.
His shirt matches the grapes. They stomp the grapes mercilessly before scooping up a glass that toasting each other with it. To be fair, self-induced diarrhea at this point in the season is like a well-timed water pill.
Jordan’s cute little flowery shorts double for a swimsuit and JoJo dons her blue bikini. Back at the Guy Lair, Luke and Chase chat about things while failing to realize they all have the same hair. Chase drops the “she needs a real guy with a real job in a real town.” Ouch.
Date Card. “Chase, James, Robby, Let our love soar.” Or is it “sore”. Perhaps that’s for after the Fantasy Suite dates. Luke gets last one-on-one. We all knew Chucklehead James Taylor was headed for the scrap pile.
Dinner. Jordan wears tight clothes and she wears a leather skirt. They recap the date. He finally breaks the news that he doesn’t have any relationship with his famous brother. I have to admit, that was a bit shocking. JoJo feigns empathy and tries not to lament the fact that she doesn’t get Superbowl tickets and a free ticket to shop with her rich sister-in-law in the future. He opens up to her about football and seems to lay it on a bit thick but I’ll give him a pass because he doesn’t have a lot of time to finesse that sort of thing.
He drops I love you and gets a kiss. That’s a little more than “Yea, um . . .”. She bought it. He’s still in the race.
Rain hits and spoils the JoJo Group Date. Change of plans. They’ll kick the 6 ABC interns out of their hospitality suite for the day and let the dudes sword fight it out over JoJo. Seriously? That’s the best they could think of in Argentina? Surely everything in that country is not without a roof or a cover over it.
Regardless, James Taylor tries to impress JoJo by shoving fries in his mouth, then they do a “massage train,” play Pictionary, and fall just shy of painting each other’s toenails before having a pillow fight and calling Chris Harrison’s room to see if his refrigerator is running. So dumb.
Robby gets a dare and has to remove his clothes. I was wondering how he was going to get his pants over his ankles.
James continues being a dork. JoJo goes on a walk with Robby. He brings his favorite shawl so he doesn’t get his fancy jeans wet on the park bench. They would have made the perfect accent to his white slippers. Shame he didn’t have them. Robby confesses love for her 4.5 months after his last FOUR YEAR relationship. Below is a picture of him and his ex-girlfriend. I believe her name was Marcie.
|I love you, Robby. Yes, but I love JoJo. Check out my slippers.|
JoJo gets a one-on-one with Chase. I noticed holes in the knees of her jeans. I fought to recall if those were there prior to her time with Robby. I hoped, for Chase’s sake, that I had simply failed to be observant.
James Taylor is a curly-headed fool. He cuts off her questions about his family and she looks impatient. He tries to play to his strengths but there aren’t any. I almost felt sorry for him at this point. Like a 16-year old Labrador on its way to the vet, James had to know something was up.
Date Rose: Robby gets it as suspected. Running around in your underwear in a hotel will do that. That was awkward beyond belief. Then she makes it more awkward by kicking them out of the room and spending time with Robby. Chase handles it stoically . . . as does his hair. James Taylor doesn’t take it as well.
James Taylor tells us that, “her giving the date rose to Robby says indirectly that she wants to meet Robby’s family more than mine.” Actually, it DIRECTLY says that, chucklehead. I was ready for him and his guitar to go.
Luke’s final one-on-one date. They both have their riding pants on and visit Alex’s “horse,” Snowflake the Shetland pony.
Let me just say this about Luke’s date. Could the producers have teed that up better for the ranch guy from the country? Horseback riding? Check. Guns? Check. Skeet shooting? Check. They did him a solid and she ate it up. Solid work. To be fair, he swung for the fence with the one-on-one and it worked. Just because it’s teed up for you, doesn’t mean you don’t have to connect with the ball and keep it in the fairway. Luke kept it in the middle of the fairway. Giving Luke that date would be like giving me the shotguns and Lone Star beer date. He’s the front runner.
Roses. She shows up in black sequins and gets right to business.
James Taylor. Rock a Bye, Sweet Baby James
We all saw that lying in the road ahead of us. He looked hurt. He gets the walk and talk. I never understood that part. What’s the point? That’s like stepping on someone’s toe and then sitting them down to discuss it.
Well, there it is. We head into hometowns next week in order to see which family can out class JoJo’s Brothers’ horrific hometown with Ben last season. My money is on Luke to ride into the sunset, but Jordan could rally. Your thoughts below, please. Let’s discuss. Have a wonderful rest of the week. In the meantime, I’ll be trying to get my jeans off over my ankles. DP