Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Bachelorette JoJo Episode 6: Besame Culo


Hello, Readers, and welcome back to week six of the Fantasy Suite sweepstakes.  At this point, things should be heating up, but the only heat to mention this week was the brow-melting sun of lovely Buenos Aires, Argentina.  It is, after all, the best place to fall in love.  (see also, Tahiti, Bali, Jamaica, Switzerland, France, and the entire Yucatan Peninsula).

Regardless, we get our scene-setting panoramic shots of Argentina before seeing JoJo in a feisty red dress and Roman sandals kept in check by a white over-the-shoulder jacket.  As I've said, her wardrobe person is killing it this season.  She walks, she’s excited, she checks out potential crying spots on the balcony before leaning over it and doing her Eva Peron impression, and Harrison, fresh off some ouzo shots with some Argentinian hotties at the local dive bar, appears out of mid-air for a pre-week pep talk. 

I’ve said this before but what in the world has “men’s” fashion come to this season?  I can’t tell if these guys are wearing leggings or jeans half the time and there’s enough hair product flying around to stiffen a set of silk sheets.  These guys dress like my Starbuck's barista (Note: he's just a barista for now.  His avant grade movies are his true passion).   Flip Flops, beige skinny jeans, and a ill-fitting sport coat is what passes for menswear with the twenty-somethings? 

Granted, when I was that age Mike Reno of Loverboy was jumping around in red leather pants, but at least he was a rock star.  They’re a completely underrated band, by the way, but that’s for another post.  Can some of you weigh in in the Comment section below?  I’d love to hear from someone who finds the painted on skinny jeans and boat shoes look attractive.  



Seven guys and 1 Ewok remain.  I seriously think that Alex gets shorter in every scene.  We’re in for another 2 on 1 date and the dudes hit the Fancy Hotel for some pre-Date Card oohs and ahhh.   

I love you, JoJo

Date Card:  Robby reads it.  “Wells, Besame, Besame, Muchacho.” Wells sighs with relief while wearing JoJo’s flannel shirt/black jeans outfit from her sand boarding date last week.  JoJo shows up in some sort of pancho sweater thing and the group ponders the meaning of the Date Card message.  10 people in the room and not one person knows any Spanish?  JoJo’s pants are looser than most of the dudes--and she’s wearing leggings. 

James Taylor begins his producer-created schtick.  Poor James Taylor. He’s no James Taylor.  “The First Kiss” build up was cringe inducing.  As I’ve stated before, Wells is probably the nicest most normal guy in the bunch but he’s just not assertive enough.  That was painfully evident on their walk and talk market date.  Considering how normal Wells is, it's incredible to me how out of place he looks amongst the rest of the clowns.  

Fuerza Bruta.  Brute Force.  I found it ironic that Wells got that date.  He’s got pockets full of handkerchiefs for some reason.  Is he planning on window washing for a few bucks?  Perhaps he had a cold.   

Fabio the water dancing expert shows up.  He’s only guy in Argentina shorter than Alex.

Wells finally gets his (extraordinarily mediocre) first kiss.  JoJo was cool about it both in front of him and in front of the camera for her alone time.  He’s a nervous, nice, guy and we all knew his swan song was his dinner with JoJo.  I prayed they’d let him finish his entrée before she got the off-camera nod to commence the booting.  

After some naive and unrealistic talk about “passion never dying” in a marriage, JoJo provides wells with a harbinger of elimination by hitting him with “friendship” and “respect” in her opening sentence.  She drops the hammer in a respectful way.  I respected her for that and Wells seemed to realize he’d been treated fairly and honestly.  He left with class.  Fuerza Bruta indeed. 

JoJo hightails it to the big show.  I’m positive she scalped Wells’ ticket out front for beer money before using hers.  

Group Date Card.  “Luke, Robby, Jordan, James, Alex, Living La Vida Boca”

Chase and Derek get a two-on-one after thinking through the process of elimination and they handle the pressure differently.      

While I think she made the right choice with Wells and I’ve been pleasantly surprised that she’s approached this about as seriously as we’ve seen anyone approach it in a long time, I’m concerned she’s headed for the same mistake that Andi (and many women) made with her own ex-Jock, Josh.  

Try as she might to shake off her habits, JoJo appears to be enamored with appearance.  I suppose that’s understandable; however, choosing a “type” rather than really figuring out what makes her happy is why people, particularly women, tend to date the same jerk over and over again.  Let’s hope she chooses wisely from here on out.    

Group Date.  She’s dressed like Cat Woman.  Alex hasn’t grown any.  Someone needed to buy him a snow cone and a balloon.

They wander around the city before engaging in some West Side Story version of a Sharks v. Jets soccer game with some of the locals.  I thought Robby was going to sterilize himself if he kicked too high in his ballet pants.    

James Taylor gets insecure and starts complaining about it.

Cocktail party in black leather coats.  Luke gets some one-on-one time and lays it on thick.  Extremely thick.  Good to see his testosterone count is back up where it should be after killing it in that 212 degree hot tub a couple shows ago.    

Between aggressive gropes and putting her tongue down Luke's esophagus, JoJo tells us that she’s “running out of words to describe the passion with Luke”. 

How about nauseating? 

Date Card “Derek and Chase, it takes two. Love, JoJo.”  Derek wears the third Old Navy softball jersey shirt he got on sale a week before leaving for the show. 

Chase broods.  I would have too if I was in his shoes.  The guy rounded the first turn with a significant lead and has subsequently been eclipsed by the rest of the field over the past few weeks.  He needed a rally.   

One-on-one with James Taylor.  He’s a dork.  James Taylor has a better shot at winning her heart than James Taylor. 

James Taylor inexplicably drops Jordan under the donkey cart because Jordan acted “entitled” during their last poker game.  That was more contrived than a Kardashian wedding.  Stupid mistake, however. 

My favorite part was the look on his face when he saw JoJo wasn’t taking the bait.  He looked away and began to awkwardly apologize and she dropped, “It’s definitely something I’ll probably pay attention to.”  That’s about as non-committal as it gets.  He didn’t do himself any favors.  At least he didn’t write a song and sing about it.  To be fair, nothing rhymes with "Jordan".      

JoJo grabs Jordan in hopes of getting to the bottom of the nonsense.  

JoJo:    “It was brought to my attention that there was an altercation with you and James Taylor.” 

Jordan:  “The singer or the goofy dude who won’t make the Fantasy Suite?” 

After she clarifies, he and his Woody Woodpecker hair back peddle their way back to safety.  Dumb.   

Tension is in the air as the guys brood over wine spritzer and pinot grigios.  Do any of these guys drink beer for crying out loud?

Date Rose goes to Luke.  No Shit. 

Rodin’s thinker in the square ponders the remaining dudes.

I wonder if I'm taller than Alex even though I'm sitting on this rock

Two-on-one.  Chase and Derek highlight the juxtaposition with Black and White shirts.  JoJo dons her second red dress for an awkward dueling Tango date.  I wanted one of these dudes to Tan-Go Home already. 

She’s lucky . . . blah, blah, blah . . . She’s happy  . . . blah, blah, blah . . . she’s sufficiently fake tanned, etc. 

Chase gets the Date Rose.  Derek tan-goes home.  Then she has a “surprise” for Chase or Chance or whatever his name is.

JoJo: Look!  It’s Soledad Pastorutti. 

Chase:  You mean THE Soledad Pastorutti?  Wow. 

Did anyone have any idea who she was?  As far as I can tell she’s the Argentinian Celine Dion.  She bursts out in a Spanglish version of “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina”.  We soon found out why.

Derek: “why am I crying?”  He cries in the limo as we cut back and forth between his blubbering and Soledad’s tortured version of  “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina”.  

Brilliant. 

Dude, that’s not the way you want to go out.  Like Wells, Derek seemed way to nice and way too normal.  Unlike Wells, however, he was uninteresting.   

Cocktail party.  JoJo arrives in a very Disney princess royal blue evening gown.  Most of the guys wear their Beatles suits. 

We want to hold JoJo's hand.

Robby is in his George Michael outfit. 

I have Faith in JoJo.  I want her sex.

Harrison.  Ding Ding. 

In another piece of scripted drama, JoJo “breaks down” at the thought of handing out the last rose and rushes down the stairs before Harrison again appears out of nowhere.  “What just happened?” he asks.  As if he didn’t know. 

She’s sick to her stomach.  

SGIA:  Maybe she’s pregnant. 

Harrison recycles the rose then brings two so she can save James Taylor (the contestant, not the singer) and the Ewok.  Yawn.  Wouldn’t it be great if James Taylor got a one-on-one next week and the real James Taylor was the after-dinner musical guest?  Someone Tweet that over to Harrison, would you?   

Roses

1.         Luke
2.         Chase
3.         Robby
4.         Jordan
5.         Alex     (Pity Rose)
6.         James Taylor  (Pity Rose)

Gone.

1.         Wells  
2.         Derek

Well, there it is.  I’m a tad late, but if you had any idea how much of an information dump this week has been, you’d all love me even more than you do.  I’m headed out for some well-earned R&R for a few days.  Happy Fourth of July.  Be safe and we’ll talk next week.  Get your Comments in on the guys’ dress code and the hometown picks.  My money says Alex gets the ax next week.  Needless to say, his season will be cut very short. 

In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be shrinking my jeans.  DP



28 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. If your man is pushing you away and acting distant

      Or if the guy you’re after isn’t giving you the time of day...

      Then it’s time to pull out all the stops.

      Because 99% of the time, there is only 1 thing you can say to a standoffish guy that will grab him by the heartstrings-

      And get his blood pumping at just the thought of you.

      Insert subject line here and link it to: <=========> Your ex won’t be able to resist?

      Once you say this to him, or even send this simple phrase in a text message...

      It will flip his world upside down and you will suddenly find him chasing you-

      And even begging to be with you.

      Here’s what I’m talking about: <=========> Is your man hiding something? He may need your help?

      Thanks again.








      .

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  2. Kudos on the old-school Loverboy reference..."Lovin' Every Minute of It" gets high marks from me! But the guys' super-skinny jeggings? Not so much.

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  3. All season long I've been noticing how all these guys dress and I keep shaking my head. It's as if they got a note regarding dress code. "Wear the same type shirts snd the skinniest jeans available". For a bunch of 20 somethings they look stupid. Don't get me started on the suits and the skinny tight suit pants and jackets that are a size too small.
    Great recap and loved the Ewok comparison, he seems to be shorter each week. Didn't get the pity roses Ewok and JT got, they'll both be axed next week because you know they aren't getting hometown dates.
    Happy Fourth of July!! Off to the blue waters of the Caribbean next week.

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    Replies
    1. Enjoy the Caribbean. I hear it's the perfect place to fall in love. DP

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  4. More than the clothes (although most of what I've seen falls in the ridiculous column) it's the hair that's been so distracting. These guys use more product and probably spend more time on their hair than I do and that's saying a lot. And they just look silly. Alex's hair was starting to morph into Jordan's during some of the interview segments and it was quite disconcerting. Your post was great - worth the wait. Not sure any of these guys are right for her. Enjoy your time off!

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    Replies
    1. Maybe they are trying to grow it out so they can braid each others like the girls do...

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  5. Wardrobe: skinny jeans + men= no! Not to mention these things are so tight they've moved into the category of jeggings. I can live with the ill fitted suits, multi colored skin tight v necks, and weird boat shoes but I cannot live with these horrible pants!
    Picks: I agree Alex is headed home next week. I don't think she likes him all that much. He's a good looking guy and even though he is super short, she is not that tall so I don't think that would be an issue. However, his lack of personality should be a huge issue. I mean seriously, he has said not one interesting thing. I think that Luke and Jordan will definitely make it to the fantasy suite. She's gonna keep stringing along James Taylor (the goofy one, not the talented one) because she thinks that he is the kind of guy she should date. I like JT but he is not for her.
    Finally I loved this recap! Job well done! I also agree that Loverboy is totally underrated. One of my favorite bands from when I was in jr. high (which is what we called it back in the day not freaking middle school).

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  6. The guys are totally the Beatles and look like Beetles. Yuck! They are SO metrosexual-it's WAY too much. I don't find them attractive at all. Even w great bodies-you see a man in clothes for more hours of the day and the hair? Robby has a DQ swirl on top. I do think Luke is hot even with high hair.

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  7. I'm in total agreement about the wardrobe...HATE it! Maybe it's just because I'm over 30. LOVED the "I seriously think that Alex gets shorter in every scene" comment. LOL

    Keep blogging, between you and IHGB, it makes watching the show WAY better. :)

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  8. Woody Woodpecker hair. PERFECT description SGIA!!

    And I swear I saw some yoga pants on some of those guys. And the ones wearing actual pants are wearing the flood pants again. I'm just not into these clothes.

    Great recap as always.

    Cindy

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  9. I spend a good part of the episodes now yelling at Robby's outfit choices. And everyone's terrible haircuts. I want to buzz everyone's head.

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  10. Soooo funny that you included the Lover Boy album cover- Because of THAT album cover, my first real concert was NOT Lover Boy. I was 16 and my group of girl friends & I all had L.B. tickets. After my mom saw the album cover, she said I couldn't go because "there will be people selling drugs"... I didn't want to tell her that there were people selling drugs in my high school bathroom for fear that I wouldn't be allowed to go to school; I told my friends that I couldn't get off work that night and missed the concert-

    I HATE the skinny jeans on the men this season! I think Chase should prevail to the end based on the fact that he knows that nice pair of Levi's looks NICE on him.

    The hair is a bit weird too- a bit toooo much. Your Woody Woodpecker comment is hilarious (clever you!).

    I think James and Alex should both be gone- I thought they were. I bought into the drama of THAT...

    You're spot on with your jock/jerk comment about Jordan and Andi. (sad, if you ask me) Jordan's comments all seem to be about what he wants and not about WHO he wants~

    I think she has a sexy and fun connection with Luke. They seem to laugh a lot too...

    I also like Chase, but that might just be ME.

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  11. Loverboy!! Thank you. There are a few reasons I am proud to be Canadian and Loverboy is in my top ten. Woody Woodpecker hair is the best way to describe it. Hilarious. The tight clothes just look so uncomfortable. I'm team Chase for the win. Love your blog. Thanks to you and IHGB this show is so much fun to watch. I try to anticipate what you are both going to comment on after each show. Love it!

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  12. Woody Woodpecker Hair...ha ha. Half of American has that dorky haircut.

    I personally would have picked Wells for the win. Normal!

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  13. The wardrobe and the hair on the guys this season is abhorrent. It's amazing how even an attractive man can become extremely unattractive with too-tight pants and and over abundance of hair product. Where are all the actual real men???

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  14. Love Love Love your recaps! I think I laughed out loud atleast 7 or 8 times. The "I thought Robby was going to sterilize himself" was awesome! I've been reading you for several years now. Please don't ever stop!

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  15. Cordon rhymes with Jordan unless I am mispronouncing it! Our mutual distaste for Alex and your related comments are making me howl this week. Wardrobe has been sufficiently covered above but I wanted to clarify about your Loverboy reference. Were you saying you were in your 20's in the 80's? Since you look in your 30's, I would guess I misunderstood. Hope your vacation was everything you wanted it to be.

    CK

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  16. Loved this blog!

    Jordan's Hair has its own Twitter page

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  17. I completely agree on the wardrobe and hair. NOT a fan of the "part shaved head/part too long on top" hair. And the guys aren't wearing skinny jeans. I like the European-like style of close cut straight/tapered slacks. Jimmy Fallon looks great in them. They are NOT for bulky muscle guys. In their case, their clothes are just poorly fitting. And I, too, fear she's falling for Jordan. She tries to pull some emotion our of him, he awkwardly tries to come up with something that makes her believe he'd actually settle down with her, and then she's all smiles that he was "vulnerable" with her and opened up. Girl, if he felt for you, he'd tell you without all that prompting.

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