Bachelorette JoJo Episode 5: Ura-G-Why is Chad Still Here?

Hello, Readers.  Welcome back to Chad-Fest 2016.  I’m so glad we started out with a fat helping of Chad in his Macho Montage because after two weeks of being without his boyish charm and subtle affect, I had forgotten how sick I was of his stupid ass.

I'm misunderstood.

Apparently, the feeling wasn’t restricted to my living room because all of the remaining dudes took to symbolically scattering his ashes in a protein powder effigy while Chad whistled back to the house after being dumped on his double date by a clearly exacerbated  JoJo.  I’m certain that Evan was practicing his exacerbation technique in the bathroom.    

Great for Exacerbation

Unfortunately James Taylor’s guitar comes out.  Poor James Taylor.  He’s no James Taylor.  Chad comes “home” and the tension starts.  Jordan and his skinny jeans assume a leadership role and a lot of “bro’s” and nebulous references to what it means to be a “man” are thrown around like dumbbells on the pool flagstone before a less aggressive, albeit still insufferable, Chad finally f*cks off back to Tulsa.  Thank God.

“You can only give someone so many opportunities to be an adult,” says the skinny jean-wearing Jordan.  Amen.  Someone should crochet that onto a throw pillow filled with protein powder and mail (or is it male?) it to Chad back in Tulsa.  

Alex gets a hug and a pat on top of the head in addition to a very Rudy-esque welcome in celebration of his default two-on-one date win before he turns into this season’s Jake Pavelka.  I couldn’t tell if they were lifting him up in celebration or helping him see over the couch.  More about that half-pint later in the post. 

I won by default!  

Hotel Suite Cocktail Party Time.  JoJo shows up in her white evening gown with holes in the sides of it: a dress cut that would prove ubiquitous this episode.  She looked pretty but apathetic.  Props to the Bachelorette wardrobe team this season, by the way.  

With the exception of JoJo’s Kristin Stewart-esque sandboarding getup, they’ve done a fabulous job making her look fabulous this season.  Remember when Ali wore canary yellow all the time and they had to block her from the waist down with plants and furniture?  Clearly, they've had some re-training in that department.    

Sand boarding in a lightening storm, anyone?

Alex, Jordan, and Luke have roses.  JoJo tells us that she has had a rough week.  I know I was dripping with empathy and I’m certain all of you were too.  She’s mad at Chad and, guess what? They all get a semi-bitchy first drink lecture over it before the ass-kissing is allowed to resume.     

Chase brings Knocker Balls to the cocktail party and plays Knocker Balls with JoJo on the veranda before Jordan tries to knock her with his balls by stealing a kiss against the wall.  He’s no Gosling and he’s certainly not that race car driver guy who groped Emily Maynard in the middle of a dirty European alley a few seasons ago.  Regardless, she seems impressed by the “spontaneity” undoubtedly suggested by Jordan’s handler in the pre-production meeting.

Robby and his well-manicured beard prance around seeking time with JoJo. If only his jeans fit like his beard. 

Some other guy starts to talk.  I forgot his name but I remember he wears plaid a lot and was destined to go home this week.  James F., that’s it.  Honestly, when it comes to James F. I couldn’t remember who the F he is.  JoJo didn’t either and it was apparent that her dress cut was meant as a foil to side-splitting laughter when he actually broke out a “poem” and began with “Her heart is like a treasure,” before Alex, fresh off his stunt double duties for Tyrion Lannister in Game of Thrones, in an act of inadvertent mercy, cut him off.  JoJo looked relieved.  My notes actually read, “Her heart is like a treasure?  Jesus.”   I was curious how many words he could rhyme with “treasure”.  Alas, I’ll never know.

Excuse me.  May I trouble you for a moment with JoJo?

Alex actually criticizes some of the guys for “not standing up,” which is ironic because he always appears to be sitting down or standing in a hole.  Normally, I wouldn’t pick on an immutable characteristic.  I tend to mock the self-created faults; however, I’m serious when I say that my reaction to Alex this week was on par with my visceral reaction to Jake Pavelka.   

Luke, Jordan, and Alex get some sore loser complaints for still having roses and wanting to talk to JoJo.  Luke gives her the “falling for you” speech.  He tells her that his heart beats a lot faster when he’s with her.  So romantic.  Nothing says I love you quite like mild tachycardia.  

Wells and Evan revel in their Beta Male status.  Evan complains about it and Wells continues to be a nice, reasonable guy with no chance of reaching the Fantasy Suite.

In another bold display of mercy, Harrison shows up in his suit and steals JoJo away to the Contemplation Suite.  Incidentally, when did we lose the shot of the Bachelorette quietly deliberating over the framed head shots in the Lair of Seclusion?  I miss that.

Fresh off some hair and make-up JoJo reappears at what will be the first of two Rose Ceremonies.  She tells the guys that she’s had a very emotional week.  Midol usually takes care of that, but that’s neither her nor there.    

Rose Ceremony

1.         Jordan

2.         Luke

3.         Alex

4.         Derek

5.         Robby

6.         Chase

7.         Wells

8.         Grant

9.         Vinny (what?)

10.       James Taylor (he’s seen Fire and he’s seen Rain)

11.       Evan

Gone.

James F.  Frankly, ABC quit paying this guy his per diem three weeks ago.  He’s like Milton Waddams from Office Space.  I think The Bobs just “fixed the glitch.”  Hopefully, he left with his plaid shirt collection . . . and his stapler.    

So we just fixed the glitch. . .

Daniel (so much for the Lambo).  “This is clearly about personality because my personality is s*it.  If it were about looks I’d still be here.”  Classic.  As if that analysis didn’t cement him as one of the biggest idiots to ever grace the carefully sprayed driveway, he actually went out with “I’ve got a better chance of . . . getting struck by lightening while . . . shaving my face” than having JoJo pick me.  

Actually, you had a 1 in 26 chance until this week when you had a 1 in 13 chance before she kicked your dumb ass to the curb, you Canadian putz.  If only pecs were brains, Daniel.  If only.    

South America.  Punta del Este, Uruguay.  Montevideo is the capital, by the way.  That never crossed their minds because most of them thought they were headed to a nightclub named Punta del Este in Cancun, Mexico.    

A producer-enlightened Vinny tells us that it’s actually a city in “Ora-G-why.” 

In a stark display of either condescension or an accurate assessment of the viewing audience, ABC imports that fake, giant plane flying over a red dotted line from the US so we all know where Uruguay is.  

Ahhh, it’s in SOUTHERN Mexico, not NORTHERN Mexico.    

JoJo goes for a self-reflective walk on the beach in Oragwhy.  She’s struggled with trust in the past.  Uh oh . . . foreshadowing.  

“Someone has a girlfriend back home,” Mrs. SGIA commented.  “Either that or, based on those outfits, they all have boyfriends,” I responded.  

Either way, I was excited to see who would be the rat.     

Vinny finally gets to wear his Frank Sinatra hat. 

Date Card.  “Jordan, let’s seal the date. Love JoJo.”  The jerk always gets the first post-foreshadowing date.  We’ll see if I’m right. 

Jillian patented run, leg wrap, hug.  Alex and the guys fill the Chad void and start to turn on Jordan.  Jordan and JoJo go yachting in 12 foot seas and she spends most of the date in the Sims Position (Google it).  I couldn’t tell if she was preparing to fall in love or preparing for a colonoscopy.   

Group dynamics are a funny thing. 

Vinny, sans Frank Sinatra hat, pulls out gossip magazines and proceeds to go all Wahl clipper on some of the dudes' hair. 

In Touch Magazine?  In English, no less? With JoJo on the cover?  Now where did THAT come from?  What a coincidence.  Sigh  . . . 

Chad from Dallas strikes again.  Apparently, he says he’s been dating JoJo and it is she that is, in fact, there for . . . GASP!!! . . . The Wrong Reasons.  Nice twist, Fleiss.  Transparent and stupid, but nice nonetheless. 

Date Card.  “Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells, Alex, I can’t sand to be away from you.”    

Dinner with Jordan.  Like Wonder Woman’s magic lasso, JoJo puts the Puntas del Este on full display (in addition to her incredibly attractive sides).  She looked fantastic.  She confronts Jordan about cheating.  He gets nervous but I think he tried to be honest.  He denies cheating.  Her radar is up.  

“I was immature . . . focused on other things . . . I’m not proud of it . . . I know who I am now . . .”.

One of you commented last week that you were surprised that I “gave Jordan a pass for lying about cheating” because “cheating is a big deal.”  Let me clarify what I meant.

First, he should get a pass for not opening with “my ego got the best of me and I cheated on my ex-girlfriend” while trying to impress a woman for the first time.  I’m sorry, but he doesn’t owe JoJo his life story at this point in the “relationship.”  

I believe him when he says he’s not proud of himself.  I’m certain after losing his NFL career and a long term girlfriend at 26 years old in addition to having a world famous brother who did succeed in spades in the NFL he’s been incredibly humbled.  He'll either put all of that in the proper perspective and move on or he won't.  That doesn't mean he has to do it on air.    

Let’s give the guy the benefit of the doubt.  I’m certain that none of us would want a moment like that televised across the country.  If that explanation was good enough for JoJo, it was good enough for me.  Risk often equals disappointment, but it also equals reward.  I didn’t give him a pass for cheating.  I gave him a pass for not telling her about it at that moment.   

He gets a Date Rose. 

The guys (read “Alex”) drop the magazine article on JoJo after her handler tees up the tears.  That whole thing was a non-event.  At least she kept the boob dress on the entire time. 

Jordan and Robby do the spa day complete with mani/pedi’s and cucumber eyelids.  As much as they played it up you know they enjoyed it.  Robby’s beard had more sharp angles in it than an Escher drawing. 

  

JoJo wanders amongst the sand dunes in her Kristin Stewart outfit.  Sandboarding date in their skinny jeans.  That looked boring and painful right up until the lightening storm put them in danger of electrocution.

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.  If life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.   

Date card.  Robby’s turn in his pink linen shirt.  “Robby, love is within our reach.”

Cocktail party.

Wells in his Danny Zuco jacket drops the quote of the season,  “That’s the last time I want to talk about a guy named Chad.”  Amen.

Derek begins to crack like the Punta del Este sky during a sandboarding contest.  He’s insecure and the other dudes smell blood in the water.   

After blatantly seeking validation, Derek gets the “Reassurance Date Rose” similar to Evan’s “Chad Can’t Bully Me Into Sending You Home” Rose a fortnight ago.  

In anticipation of Robby’s pseudo-masculine date arrival, JoJo frolics in her Emily Maynard shorts among the phallic-shaped rocks before risking rabies and mange by befriending a stray dog on the beach.  Robby arrives.  The only thing more feminine than JoJo’s outfit is Robby’s outfit. 

Cliff jump.  Bring on the marriage metaphors. 

Back at the hotel, Derek and his Captain America shirt deny that he asked for reassurance--even though he did.  Chase and Alex won’t let it go and they complain about it like a couple of Real Housewives over a glass of Cabernet. 

In the meantime, Robby drops his best friend’s death during a text message story.  Solid timing on that one.  He could have easily lead with that on night one.  I believed him to be sincere when he told JoJo that he loved her.  He’s a nice guy but I can’t get past the metrosexuality.  She doesn’t seem to mind, however and that, after all, is what counts.   

He gets a Date Rose.  Fireworks.  BOOORRRRRINNG. 

Derek cracks.  He calls out Robby, Chase, Jordan, Alex for a gossip session that goes nowhere.  Between 4 episodes of Chad working out at the pool and threatening people, the fake gossip mag plant, and this nonsense, I began to wonder how in the world they could be so hard up for interesting footage this season.  This might be the most manufactured season in Bachelorette history and it shows.  They had to go off the grid to JoJo's ex-boyfriend's paid gossip mag story in order to get her to cry.  Remember, when Kaitlyn was whoring it up around the plantation in Jamaica or whatever and everyone wanted to kill Nick for closing the deal early and often?  Now THAT was drama. This?  Far from it.  This season is more well-planned than Robby’s grooming regimen. 

Like the fulfillment of some ancient prophecy from the Book of Harrison, Wells is the lone voice crying in the cocktail party and again proves himself the voice of reason.  Granted, he’s not all jacked up and manly as the rest of the guys, but Wells has shown me something this season.  Unfortunately, he’ll be eclipsed by less interesting dudes with more interesting skinny jeans, but he’s a solid guy. 

Harrison shows up.  Guess what?  No Cocktail party.  Her mind is made up.  We won’t delay the inevitable.  3 will be going home.  BOOM.  Out. 

JoJo shows up again with her sides on display in a green evening gown with a Fay Wray leg cut and a gold belt.  “With turmoil comes clarity,” she tells us.  I’m certain that's something that Chad from Dallas learned in his anger management classes.

Roses

1.         Robby

2.         Derek

3.         Jordan

4.         Luke

5.         Chase

6.         Alex (all 4’11” of him)

7.         James Taylor

8.         Wells

Gone

Grant

Evan

Vinny

Evan leaves with a broken heart and room in his suitcase for a new t-shirt at the airport gift shop.  He’s a nice enough guy.  He’s harmless and dorky.  Neither one of those are venial sins.  Let’s hope he finds someone equally as harmless back at the ED clinic for the sake of his three kids.  I’ll bet a week’s pay that he brings up the 20 bucks Chad owes him for ripping his Criss Angel shirt on the Men Tell All show. 

Vinny leaves glad he got to use his Frank Sinatra hat on TV.  He left with class.  So did Grant.  Frankly, those departures were all expected.  My guess is that James Taylor and Wells are on the chopping block next week, but a metaphorical wrench could be thrown in the combine if we have a cheater in the wood pile.  Stay tuned. 

Well, there it is.  Hit me with your feedback via Twitter @someguyinaustin or in the Comment section below and I’ll respond accordingly.  Enjoy the rest of your week.  Be safe.  If you need me, I’ll be whistling in the woods while looking for a new t-shirt.  DP