Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Juan Pablo Episode 7: Soo-Price, I'm Leaving

Amazing Count for the Episode was 16.  That’s…well…amazing. 

Hello, Readers.  Welcome back to what has unfortunately become a brain numbingly boring season of The Bachelor.  From Juan Pablo’s annoying Ooooooo’s, his unnecessary whispering, errant face touching, and his ridiculous wardrobe to the fake fighting between Clare and Nikki I found myself wanting Ben Flanjik back in the mix.  

I’m also appalled that Harrison missed his “Ladies, Juan Pablo, this is the final rose tonight.  Juan Pablo, whenever you’re ready” lean-in last night.  The guy has like 3 things to do every episode and he’s been shirking two of them all season.  Perhaps even he’s sick of it.  Granted, he can’t be sick of the free money, but he’s sick of it. 

Let’s get to it. 

Well, we’re back in Miami because Cameeeeela needs to see her (sometimes) kiss-averse Daddy.  Everyone has butterflies—or perhaps that’s just a nagging remnant of the spicy Vietnamese food.  Sharleen begins to stress about her uncontrollable physical attraction to a guy she thinks is a lot dumber than she is.  We all knew it was her voluntarily hitting the road this week.  Told you so. 

Juan Pablo shows us he’s serious by donning a muted dark grey v-neck and driving around his hometown in his boxy SUV before going to sooo-price Cameeeela.  Cameeeela unwittingly mimics Clare by running into her father’s arms and straddling him.  Disturbing, I know.  But true. 

The broads simultaneously ooooo and ahhhh at the Lowes Miami Beach hotel and oooo and ahhh some more at the free bikini swag in the penthouse.  Clare successfully subtracts 2 from 6 and lets us know that means that there will be 4 women left after this week.  Frankly, I was sooo-priced.  Sharleen tells us she wants to “flush out” her true feelings.  The irony of her word choice was not lost on my Lone Star and me.  Flush out indeed. 

Despite the fact that he’s 32 years old, Juan Pablo has a friend with braces.  Odd.  He confides in him that Sharleen might be “The One.”  Whatever.  He tells his friend that Sharleen is an “Oprah singer”.   “What in the world does this have to do with Oprah Winfrey?” I wondered aloud.  It’s hard to believe that Oprah is wealthy enough to have her own personal singer and very generous of her to give Sharleen the time off to pursue her dream of indiscriminately making out with a poly-amorous Venezuelan-American single father with no real chance of becoming emotionally invested.  Annyyyhoooo . . .

Opera Singing

Oprah Singing

I don’t know where in the hell Chris F*cking Harrison has been all season but he failed to make the hop to Miami because Juan Pablo assumes Date Card delivery duties in his turquoise v-neck and purple shorts.  He’s clearly colorblind.  To be fair, I’ve been to Miami Beach and any person can literally wear anything he wants and get away with it.  I’m surprised he wasn’t running around in a jockstrap and a sailor hat.  

“Sharleen, Come Sea my city,” it reads.  Underwhelmed, Sharleen heads upstairs to put on her grandmother’s polka dot dress and clunky shoes.  Nikki was NOT happy and everyone else “can’t figure out” why Sharleen was chosen.  Uh, because they told Juan Pablo he had to choose her because this week’s story line works a lot better if they make out a bunch before she equivocates prior to removing herself back to Heidelberg. 

Sharleen tips her cards toward the center of the table when she alludes to her search for a “mental connection” with our Spanglish speaking Bachelor.  Translation:  He’s way too dumb for me.  Clare continues her season-long Kristin Bell impression and uses the word “anomaly.”  Wow.  First some simple subtraction and now a multi-syllabic noun.  Check out the big brain on Clare.  Time away from all of those hair chemicals has been kind to her. 

Juan Pablo and Sharleen share some uncomfortable snuggle time on “his” yacht.  When I say “uncomfortable” I mean for us.  She hems and haws between bad kisses and he pulls the “yust luke at me” spiel again while simultaneously, groping her face like the blind chick in Lionel Richie’s Hello video. 

Juan Pablo is not “my typical type” she tells us.  Huh?  As opposed to what, her atypical type?  She’s physically attracted to him and she’s open to change.  Well, as long as she never has to “change” a diaper.  She’s very icy and guarded, which is why she reacted like she did at the lack of control she had over her physical attraction to Juan Pablo.  Nikki and Andi have a balcony tete-a-tete about it.  Granted, they didn’t articulate it very well but we all know what they meant. 

Juan Pablo throws out a tentative, “How do jew feel abow me meeting joor family?”  I was waiting for her to respond, “I don’t.” 

They make out in a few more places, he massages her face some more, and the date ends with us knowing she’s headed back to pack her bags and return to Oprah singing.    

Oprah Singing

Knock Knock. 

“Nikki, listen to my heart beat.” 

Speaking of I told you.  When Some Guy is right, he’s right.  If any of you had any doubt about Nikki taking home El Trophy it’s time to admit your mistake.  “I’m taking you to my daughter’s dance recital to meet my entire family, my daughter, and my (smoking hot) ex-wife.”  Boom.   

Translation:  Suck it, Clare.  Thanks for the rub and tug in the ocean.  Good luck with the hairdressing. 

After my laughter died down I pictured that nasty look that Clare shot at Nikki’s back during the rose ceremony before declaring Juan Pablo’s decision “a big mistake” being replicated over and over when Clare is forced to stand in the Express Lane line at the Sacramento King Soopers with the magazine rack filled with pictures of Nikki in a bikini frolicking on some tropical beach with Juan Pablo underneath a “New Sexy Stepmom for Camilla and Juan Pablo” headline. 

Nikki instantly regretted her silky, revealing shirt and lack of a bra, but she knew it was all over but the crying.  I’m surprised they didn’t have Sharleen sing an aria before she split town.

Wait until Nikki finds out about Clare.  

Nikki meets the smoking hot ex-wife and the whole fam damily.  They ignore her outfit.   Props to the ex for sucking it up and putting Cameeeeela first.  I didn’t get a Marking My Territory vibe from her.  It was more of a He’s Your Problem Now sort of vibe.     

Nikki wears what she packed---a silky frontless shirt requiring, yet again, no bra and a black fringy miniskirt and heels.  I think she had the shirt on backward.  Apparently, no one told her she’d be required to play catch in a baseball park.  I’m certain some young, idealistic ABC intern was sent scrambling to the store for some two-sided tape.   Juan Pablo sweats like Roberto and closes the deal.  Winner winner, chicken dinner. 

I was not soo-priced.    

I’ve been alluding to this all season.  How did I “know” Nikki would get picked?  To be fair, she hasn’t been officially Neil Laned yet, but she’s got about a four horse lead heading into the final stretch.  You’ll have to wait until he proposes and she dyes her roots for me to reveal my Guy Logic analysis.  

Date Card.  “Chelsie, Renee, Claire, Andi, My hometown or yours?”  Along with a note (allegedly) written by Chris Harrison. 

Andi borrows Nikki’s headband assuming it worked for Nikki.

The Nikki/Clare (Non)Confrontation gets teed up before commercial break and Nikki drops a classic.  “I mean she didn’t get crazy all on her own.  I mean it had to come from somewhere.”  Awesome.  And apparently true based upon the previews. 

Sharleen drops “I’m going home.”   Everyone is not soo-priced and Clare can barely contain her excitement.  Juan Pablo phones in the departure talk, rubs some more of Sharleen’s facial features into oblivion and moves on.  I’ll give Sharleen honesty points.  Well, honesty points to Juan Pablo.  Whether she was honest with herself is another issue. 

Juan Pablo apparently dealt with the stress of Sharleen’s departure by getting a pedicure.  I’m basing that assumption solely on the pink flip flops he was wearing when he sought the solace of the balcony and tells us “es naught eee-see” to see her leave.  Whatever, dude.

Group Date.  I’ll gloss over this.  It was a trip to some island, a lot of teary eyed confessions and bikini walk and talks.  I’m praying that Clare doesn’t break out her deceased father’s DVD next week.  Remember when Ali had to take Jake on a tour of her dead grandmother’s house?  Clare deserves better than that.  She can’t be forced to ruin her reputation and spoil her birthright in one season.  If she does break it out next week, let’s hope ABC adds Spanish subtitles for Juan Pablo’s benefit. 

Andi, wheel you assept these rose? 

Clare was pissed.  Tick tick tick tick. 

Andi is forced to awkward dance at some Spanish music show and the losers head back to the penthouse couch so Clare can fake argue with Nikki amidst her filthy room.   Did any of you understand what in the world they were arguing about?  It made absolutely no sense.  I was soo-priced. 

Cocktail party.  Short after five dresses. 

There’s was nothing really notable about the “last cocktail party ever” except the forced, awkward silence between Nikki and Clare.  Man, just wait until Nikki finds out about Clare.  Juan Pablo is going to need some two-sided tape when that ship leaves the dock. 

Comfortable in the pole position (see what I did there?), Nikki keeps the “I met Cameeeela, the hot ex-wife, and the entire family” smack in her back pocket. Similarly, Clare keeps the “I gave Juan Pablo a handy in the ocean” smack between her cleavage, and the other women try and keep the peace. 

Nikki drops “my boyfriend” a few times before Harrison finally shows up with his ubiquitous butter knife and wine glass to announce the Rose Ceremony. 

The following wee-men assept these roses.  There were no soo-prices.   


Gone:  Sharleen, Chelsie 

Chelsie loses with class and returns to Science Educating.  She’s nice and attractive.  She’ll be fine.  Nikki and Andi are in the top three for sure.  I'm on the fence between Clare and Renee; however, I'd have to give the nod to Clare based upon "the event."    

Well, there it is.  Next week Juan Pablo flies across the country to have his Huevos busted by some less-than-enthusiastic parents and a bitter, fat sister or two.  I can’t wait.  Have a great rest of the week.  In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be Oprah singing.  DP

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Bachelor Juan Pablo Episode 6: My Balls are Huge

Welcome, Readers.  I'm here (barely).  Quick thanks to my good friend Lincee (www.ihategreenbeans) Ray for buying me lunch at the Austin landmark Hut's Hamburgers this week and for not judging me on my shaved head.  It's triathlon training season and I do that once a year to get in character.  Let's get to it.  

The Amazing count was at 14 this week if we count 2 "Ah-may-sings" 

Journey Count was at 1 if we count 1 "yer-ney"

Howdy, Readers.   Welcome to Episode 6 of Juan Pablo’s season.  I’d love to lead with a line like “things are really heating up” or “let’s watch the sparks fly” but I haven’t seen either and I’m beginning to think that this might be a giant flop of a season.  Granted, I was encouraged when the alcoholic Brazilian sprayed profanity all over the women’s room early in the season but aside from Claire barely keeping it together the only person more bored than me this season is apparently Sharleen.  We’ll get to her and her poor attitude in a bit. 

This week we head to New Zealand, the place where men are men and sheep are nervous.  Juan Pablo sported more scarves this week than all of the women combined.  Look, I’m as tolerant as the next guy, but there are certain things a man shouldn’t have.  An elaborate scarf collection is one of those things.  He also referred New Zealand as (say it with me) the perfect place to fall in love.  Yawn.

This is the only kind of guy who should wear a silk scarf.  

The women arrive yippee-ing and yay-ing at the Huka Lodge.  Yes, I can’t resist a “Hooker Lodge” joke.  Sure, it’s tacky, pedestrian, and obvious, but hey, it’s been a long week and I’ll take the low lying fruit when I can get it.  The women sport their own complimentary ubiquitous 30 foot scarves and take in the scenery.  Cassandra—we all knew she was getting booted early—stands out in her Lululemon Former NBA Dancer gear.  Claire unpacks her slut shame baggage where it’s readily accessible.   She put it right next to her eye liner and her crazy lotion.  “Time Bomb,” I said to Mrs. SGIA.  “Time Bomb.”

Andi gets the “Let’s heat things up” Date and Claire fake smiles after reading the card.  Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick….

Andi irons her casual, I just threw this together outfit in an attempt to control the Wrinkle Monster.  Cassandra talks it out with Renee.  As Andi gets ready for her date she actually drops, “Tensions are high.”  Please.  She’s going on a date with a color blind Spanglish speaker, not heading toward the Cuban coast trying to get the Russians to stand down.  Tensions are high?  Perhaps she was referring to Claire’s g-string.  Annnyyyhooo. . . .

She chooses tight white pants and jackboots and Juan Pablo shows up in a black sweater and red scarf like Little Rojo Riding Hood.  They go for an extremely uncomfortable  speedboat ride and Andi does a wonderful job ignoring the loss of her hairstyle.  No scrunchie?  For shame.  They head to some place called “The Squeeze.”  Frankly, they should have renamed it, “The Bore.”   

Andi looked cold and uncomfortable the entire time in her tasteful, conservative one piece.  They navigate the tight, overgrown caverns in an attempt to find a warm waterfall so Andi can straddle Juan Pablo and fake make out.  “That’s the second time in as many weeks Juan Pablo has found himself inside of a wet, well-traveled cave,” I said giggling into my Lone Star like a school girl. 

They try dinner in front of an active geyser before realizing it won’t work. Nice planning, ABC Intern.   Andi tells Juan Pablo that she wants to be so in love that her “cheeks hurt.”  We assume that she was not making a reference to hurting the same way Claire's “cheeks” hurt.  Andi, assepts these rose. 

I can’t decide if Andi is a top 3 but I’m sure she’ll make the hometowns.  Sharleen and Chelsie are definitely behind her in the running and Sharleen is bound to bow out any time now.  My guess is she does it before the hometown dates.  We shall see.   

Knock Knock.  Date Card.  Renee reads it.

By the way, I got a particularly judgey Tweet about Renee.   It said something to the effect that the Tweeter (is that the correct nomenclature?) wouldn’t go out to wash her car looking like Renee.  Ok, Tweeter.  I suppose you’re entitled to your opinion and I’ll agree that Renee is super casual.  Frankly, she needs whatever the thing is called that separates eyelashes after she puts mascara on, but I find her appearance refreshing.  She’s not pretending to be something she’s not and she’s not riding the 30 foot free scarf bandwagon.  I find that attractive.  The Tweeter also said she looks like Loretta Lynn.  Frankly, that’s a good one.  However, I’d have gone with Loretta’s much younger sister, Crystal Gayle.  

Back to the Group Date. 

“Let Love Roll.”  Clever.  Juan Pablo invites the Ever Bored Sharleen, Chelsie, Renee, Nikki, Kat, Cassandra, The Former 21 Year Old NBA Dancer on the big group date, leaving Claire the default one-on-one.  Let me let you in on a little guy logic here, ladies.  Juan Pablo wanted her ass back at the Hooker Lounge or whatever so—like a bad apple oozing with fungus—she didn’t pollute the rest of the bunch.   She bought it.  And he got her away from the bunch until he could deal with her and her baggage. 

Before we get to Juan Pablo’s rolling balls I have to ask about the constant face touching exhibited by Juan Pablo.  That has to be annoying.  Frankly, it’s condescending, which I see a lot in the way Juan Pablo talks to the ladies.  He’s dismissive and the face touching and hair adjusting reminds me of that gay guy on the Animal Channel who whispers to dogs.  He’s constantly grabbing their snouts in an attempt to get their attention.  Juan Pablo is no different.  Perhaps I’m nitpicking.  Perhaps I’m not. 

They get to a giant hill and have a fake picnic before showering each other in sheep feces and jumping into Ogo Balls for a big roll down the hill.  All of the women looked great in their swimsuits (Nikki was a standout and Sharleen’s fringe suit was an epic mistake) and Chelsie had the best line of the date. “This reminds me kind of Ohio except we don’t have hills there,” she observes.  Honestly, which one of us wasn’t waiting for the inevitable Ohio/New Zealand comparison?

Juan Pablo wastes no time inside of his balls when he makes out with Nikki. 

Cameeeella Schameeeella. 

Cocktail party.  Juan Pablo vee-seets with Renee.  She’s realistic without being crazy.  He spends some time with Nikki in her sparkly short dress and Olivia Newton John coat.  She takes her turn making out with him.  Nikki opens up, which we can tell is not the easiest thing for her.   

Wait until she finds out about Claire.  He’s a dead man.    

Sharleen looked bored and over it.  She’s done.  In classic female fashion, the women sit around and over think everything about the different kinds of roses and the significance of when and how they are doled out by Juan Pablo.  A rose is a rose, ladies.  It doesn’t matter when it gets handed out.

Juan Pablo exhibits that condescending behavior I referenced earlier by blatantly ignoring every social cue and even the words coming out of Sharleen’s mouth.  He again dismisses her saying he thinks she’s “a leetle es-cared.”  The process is “a little inorganic for me,” for me.  Inorganic?  It’s a darn good thing he left his Spanglish to English Dictionary in his other scarf or he would have realized she wants out.  She’s not buying his face touching either. 

Cassandra gets ready to be a Former ABC Contestant—on her birthday, no less.  Much to her utter shock, Juan Pablo blurts out.  “Sharleen wheel you assept these rose?”  Combine that with that weird umbrella and Juan Pablo’s invite to go and dump Cassandra on her birthday and they all knew Cassandra was getting the boot.  The look on Sharleen’s face was priceless. 

Cassandra gets dumped.  He didn’t even have the Ogo Balls to level with her and instead went with the “I just can’t keep you from your (illegitimate) son” excuse.  Again, dismissive.  Cassandra laments her life at the ripe age of 22.  Relax, Cassandra.  He did you a huge favor.  Besides, there are plenty more players in the NBA. 

Claire Date. 

Claire gets the remaining Vietnamese sand out of her hoo ha before dressing like Andi while simultaneously telling us that she’s “having a hard time with what happened in Vietnam.”  I presume she was referring to the errant, ill-timed finger banging she got in the ocean and not the protracted war that divided our country in two. 

Picnic.  She’s looking for an apology.   Again, in his dismissive (sexist?) fashion, Juan Pablo refers to the “event” as “my mistake.”  Ouch.  Claire assures him that she would never do anything that is awkward for his daughter.  Uh, too late, Claire.  That footage is on the Internet forever.  The look on Juan Pablo’s face when she kept busting his Ogo Balls about an issue he was clearly ready to put behind him was even more priceless than Sharleen’s face when she got the unwanted date rose.  Claire continues.  She won’t let it go.   “What are our boundaries?” “Is that our first fight?”  “Where are we?”  Good Lord, Claire.  Let sleeping perros lie, would you?  She’s too old not to know better.  C.R.A.Z.Y. 

Look, if the comments last week are any indicator, y’all are going to be defending her.  The fact is that she made a bad choice, he regretted it, and regardless of how poorly he communicated that regret, she needs to just own it and move past it.  On the up side, she’s basically locked in a top 3 spot provided she doesn’t absolutely lose it.  He can’t boot her without looking like a complete chach.  Whoever said that poontanging around never pays off never got felt up in a warm ocean on national television during hour one of a top rated prime time show.   

“You are smiling and that’s what matters,” he tells her after she’s been placated.  What he meant was “I’m thrilled you’re not holding a butcher knife sneaking up behind me.”  They make out.  Making out with her is equivalent to jumping on a grenade. 

More guy secrets:  A woman like Claire in a group of hot women would be referred to as “The Grenade.”   That’s the man hater, crazy woman, unattractive girl, too protective girlfriend, or any woman in the group who stands to ruin a potential hook up between a guy’s friend and another attractive woman in the group.  The proper male etiquette is to pull a buddy aside and calmly ask him to “jump on the grenade” for the team.  Ergo, The Grenade.  Claire is a grenade.  Trust me. 

Juan Pablo puts on his skinny suit and poorly fitting pants  and heads to the impromptu Lair of Seclusion for a chat with Harrison in the presence of the head shots.  Harrison earns his paycheck but we don’t learn anything we don’t know. 

Super awkward cocktail party. 

Nikki pours it on a bit thick to get the rose.  Nice work.  She knows when (and how) to push his buttons and it clearly worked.  Renee sweats it now that Cassandra—the only other mom--got shoved onto a the first cargo plane off the island. The Science Educator does some investigation, forms a hypothesis, and gathers data before forming the theory that her ass is on the chopping block. 

Kat pulls Juan Pablo aside and lets him know that she was journaling (or is it "yernalling"?) last night.  Oh Lord.  “DO NOT DO THAT,” I screamed at the television.  After hitting pause and being forced to explain the “why not” question from the Mrs. We watched as Kat proceeds to  bring up her Daddy Issues.  The “I told you so” that came out of my mouth tasted sweeter than the Lone Star I’d been pouring down it all night.    

Harrison justifies his paycheck again with some “pivotal, turning point, blah, blah, blah, it’s getting serious, blah blah blah.” 

The following wee-men assept these roses: 

1.         Claire (tick, tick, tick)
2.         Andi
3.         Sharleen
4.         Nikki
5.         Renee
6.         Chelsie

Home:  Kat, Cassandra. 

Kat hides the tears.  Frankly, I felt sorry for her.  I’m certain that scenario has played out many times in her life.  She needs to get a hold of her daddy issues and realize how attractive and smart she is without having to constantly prove it.  She’s hot, fun, and cool.  She just had a shitty dad.  The sooner she faces that, the better off she’ll be.   

Nietzche wrote, “the worst enemy you can meet will always be you yourself; you lie in wait for yourself in caverns and forests.” 

Kat met herself this week. 

Sharleen pledges (hilariously, I might add) to “give it another week.”  Classic.  Well, thanks to Camilla, we’re headed back to Miami next week.  I can’t wait.  Thanks for dealing with my trial schedule (I’m in trial next week too) and thanks for continuing to click the refresh button, even if you’re cursing me while you do it.  I’ll be back next week.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be washing the sand off my Ogo Balls.  DP