Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Juan Pablo Episode 7: Soo-Price, I'm Leaving



Amazing Count for the Episode was 16.  That’s…well…amazing. 

Hello, Readers.  Welcome back to what has unfortunately become a brain numbingly boring season of The Bachelor.  From Juan Pablo’s annoying Ooooooo’s, his unnecessary whispering, errant face touching, and his ridiculous wardrobe to the fake fighting between Clare and Nikki I found myself wanting Ben Flanjik back in the mix.  

I’m also appalled that Harrison missed his “Ladies, Juan Pablo, this is the final rose tonight.  Juan Pablo, whenever you’re ready” lean-in last night.  The guy has like 3 things to do every episode and he’s been shirking two of them all season.  Perhaps even he’s sick of it.  Granted, he can’t be sick of the free money, but he’s sick of it. 

Let’s get to it. 

Well, we’re back in Miami because Cameeeeela needs to see her (sometimes) kiss-averse Daddy.  Everyone has butterflies—or perhaps that’s just a nagging remnant of the spicy Vietnamese food.  Sharleen begins to stress about her uncontrollable physical attraction to a guy she thinks is a lot dumber than she is.  We all knew it was her voluntarily hitting the road this week.  Told you so. 

Juan Pablo shows us he’s serious by donning a muted dark grey v-neck and driving around his hometown in his boxy SUV before going to sooo-price Cameeeela.  Cameeeela unwittingly mimics Clare by running into her father’s arms and straddling him.  Disturbing, I know.  But true. 

The broads simultaneously ooooo and ahhhh at the Lowes Miami Beach hotel and oooo and ahhh some more at the free bikini swag in the penthouse.  Clare successfully subtracts 2 from 6 and lets us know that means that there will be 4 women left after this week.  Frankly, I was sooo-priced.  Sharleen tells us she wants to “flush out” her true feelings.  The irony of her word choice was not lost on my Lone Star and me.  Flush out indeed. 

Despite the fact that he’s 32 years old, Juan Pablo has a friend with braces.  Odd.  He confides in him that Sharleen might be “The One.”  Whatever.  He tells his friend that Sharleen is an “Oprah singer”.   “What in the world does this have to do with Oprah Winfrey?” I wondered aloud.  It’s hard to believe that Oprah is wealthy enough to have her own personal singer and very generous of her to give Sharleen the time off to pursue her dream of indiscriminately making out with a poly-amorous Venezuelan-American single father with no real chance of becoming emotionally invested.  Annyyyhoooo . . .
 

Opera Singing


Oprah Singing


I don’t know where in the hell Chris F*cking Harrison has been all season but he failed to make the hop to Miami because Juan Pablo assumes Date Card delivery duties in his turquoise v-neck and purple shorts.  He’s clearly colorblind.  To be fair, I’ve been to Miami Beach and any person can literally wear anything he wants and get away with it.  I’m surprised he wasn’t running around in a jockstrap and a sailor hat.  

“Sharleen, Come Sea my city,” it reads.  Underwhelmed, Sharleen heads upstairs to put on her grandmother’s polka dot dress and clunky shoes.  Nikki was NOT happy and everyone else “can’t figure out” why Sharleen was chosen.  Uh, because they told Juan Pablo he had to choose her because this week’s story line works a lot better if they make out a bunch before she equivocates prior to removing herself back to Heidelberg. 

Sharleen tips her cards toward the center of the table when she alludes to her search for a “mental connection” with our Spanglish speaking Bachelor.  Translation:  He’s way too dumb for me.  Clare continues her season-long Kristin Bell impression and uses the word “anomaly.”  Wow.  First some simple subtraction and now a multi-syllabic noun.  Check out the big brain on Clare.  Time away from all of those hair chemicals has been kind to her. 

Juan Pablo and Sharleen share some uncomfortable snuggle time on “his” yacht.  When I say “uncomfortable” I mean for us.  She hems and haws between bad kisses and he pulls the “yust luke at me” spiel again while simultaneously, groping her face like the blind chick in Lionel Richie’s Hello video. 



Juan Pablo is not “my typical type” she tells us.  Huh?  As opposed to what, her atypical type?  She’s physically attracted to him and she’s open to change.  Well, as long as she never has to “change” a diaper.  She’s very icy and guarded, which is why she reacted like she did at the lack of control she had over her physical attraction to Juan Pablo.  Nikki and Andi have a balcony tete-a-tete about it.  Granted, they didn’t articulate it very well but we all know what they meant. 

Juan Pablo throws out a tentative, “How do jew feel abow me meeting joor family?”  I was waiting for her to respond, “I don’t.” 

They make out in a few more places, he massages her face some more, and the date ends with us knowing she’s headed back to pack her bags and return to Oprah singing.    

Oprah Singing

Knock Knock. 

“Nikki, listen to my heart beat.” 

Speaking of I told you.  When Some Guy is right, he’s right.  If any of you had any doubt about Nikki taking home El Trophy it’s time to admit your mistake.  “I’m taking you to my daughter’s dance recital to meet my entire family, my daughter, and my (smoking hot) ex-wife.”  Boom.   

Translation:  Suck it, Clare.  Thanks for the rub and tug in the ocean.  Good luck with the hairdressing. 

After my laughter died down I pictured that nasty look that Clare shot at Nikki’s back during the rose ceremony before declaring Juan Pablo’s decision “a big mistake” being replicated over and over when Clare is forced to stand in the Express Lane line at the Sacramento King Soopers with the magazine rack filled with pictures of Nikki in a bikini frolicking on some tropical beach with Juan Pablo underneath a “New Sexy Stepmom for Camilla and Juan Pablo” headline. 

Nikki instantly regretted her silky, revealing shirt and lack of a bra, but she knew it was all over but the crying.  I’m surprised they didn’t have Sharleen sing an aria before she split town.

Wait until Nikki finds out about Clare.  

Nikki meets the smoking hot ex-wife and the whole fam damily.  They ignore her outfit.   Props to the ex for sucking it up and putting Cameeeeela first.  I didn’t get a Marking My Territory vibe from her.  It was more of a He’s Your Problem Now sort of vibe.     

Nikki wears what she packed---a silky frontless shirt requiring, yet again, no bra and a black fringy miniskirt and heels.  I think she had the shirt on backward.  Apparently, no one told her she’d be required to play catch in a baseball park.  I’m certain some young, idealistic ABC intern was sent scrambling to the store for some two-sided tape.   Juan Pablo sweats like Roberto and closes the deal.  Winner winner, chicken dinner. 

I was not soo-priced.    

I’ve been alluding to this all season.  How did I “know” Nikki would get picked?  To be fair, she hasn’t been officially Neil Laned yet, but she’s got about a four horse lead heading into the final stretch.  You’ll have to wait until he proposes and she dyes her roots for me to reveal my Guy Logic analysis.  

Date Card.  “Chelsie, Renee, Claire, Andi, My hometown or yours?”  Along with a note (allegedly) written by Chris Harrison. 

Andi borrows Nikki’s headband assuming it worked for Nikki.

The Nikki/Clare (Non)Confrontation gets teed up before commercial break and Nikki drops a classic.  “I mean she didn’t get crazy all on her own.  I mean it had to come from somewhere.”  Awesome.  And apparently true based upon the previews. 

Sharleen drops “I’m going home.”   Everyone is not soo-priced and Clare can barely contain her excitement.  Juan Pablo phones in the departure talk, rubs some more of Sharleen’s facial features into oblivion and moves on.  I’ll give Sharleen honesty points.  Well, honesty points to Juan Pablo.  Whether she was honest with herself is another issue. 

Juan Pablo apparently dealt with the stress of Sharleen’s departure by getting a pedicure.  I’m basing that assumption solely on the pink flip flops he was wearing when he sought the solace of the balcony and tells us “es naught eee-see” to see her leave.  Whatever, dude.

Group Date.  I’ll gloss over this.  It was a trip to some island, a lot of teary eyed confessions and bikini walk and talks.  I’m praying that Clare doesn’t break out her deceased father’s DVD next week.  Remember when Ali had to take Jake on a tour of her dead grandmother’s house?  Clare deserves better than that.  She can’t be forced to ruin her reputation and spoil her birthright in one season.  If she does break it out next week, let’s hope ABC adds Spanish subtitles for Juan Pablo’s benefit. 

Andi, wheel you assept these rose? 

Clare was pissed.  Tick tick tick tick. 

Andi is forced to awkward dance at some Spanish music show and the losers head back to the penthouse couch so Clare can fake argue with Nikki amidst her filthy room.   Did any of you understand what in the world they were arguing about?  It made absolutely no sense.  I was soo-priced. 

Cocktail party.  Short after five dresses. 

There’s was nothing really notable about the “last cocktail party ever” except the forced, awkward silence between Nikki and Clare.  Man, just wait until Nikki finds out about Clare.  Juan Pablo is going to need some two-sided tape when that ship leaves the dock. 

Comfortable in the pole position (see what I did there?), Nikki keeps the “I met Cameeeela, the hot ex-wife, and the entire family” smack in her back pocket. Similarly, Clare keeps the “I gave Juan Pablo a handy in the ocean” smack between her cleavage, and the other women try and keep the peace. 

Nikki drops “my boyfriend” a few times before Harrison finally shows up with his ubiquitous butter knife and wine glass to announce the Rose Ceremony. 

The following wee-men assept these roses.  There were no soo-prices.   

Andi
Nikki
Clare
Renee 

Gone:  Sharleen, Chelsie 

Chelsie loses with class and returns to Science Educating.  She’s nice and attractive.  She’ll be fine.  Nikki and Andi are in the top three for sure.  I'm on the fence between Clare and Renee; however, I'd have to give the nod to Clare based upon "the event."    

Well, there it is.  Next week Juan Pablo flies across the country to have his Huevos busted by some less-than-enthusiastic parents and a bitter, fat sister or two.  I can’t wait.  Have a great rest of the week.  In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be Oprah singing.  DP












56 comments:

  1. Oh man. This week's had me laughing a lot. Good for a Wednesday. The "suck it Clare" part was hilarious. And the He's Your Problem Now vibe, spot on. Two-sided tape for Nikki and Juan. haha. And all the "wait until Nikki sees this". Loved it!
    ~Cariss

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    1. Thanks for breaking the comment ice this week, ~Cariss. Glad you loved the post. DP

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  2. If I recall the friend with braces was JP's cousin.

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  3. I really enjoyed this post. Very funny! I agree this season is mind-numbingly dull, and I had the same thought about missing Ben. That is really saying something. I'm anxious to hear your analysis of how/why you knew Nikki would be "the one" so early on. And yes! Come on Chris F*ckin' Harrison! He is slacking big time.

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    1. Man, such a build up on my Nikki analysis. That might have to be a separate post. DP

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  4. I think I might skip the rest of the season and just read your blog. It would make me laugh more, and waste less of my time.

    Keep on keepin on DP.

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  5. "He's your problem now" vibe. Perfect execution.
    -emm

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    1. emm, Exactly. She didn't appear bitter but definitely didn't try to make a scene either. DP

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  6. Hahaha! Great blog.
    Do you think he's banging his x-wife on the side?

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    1. I know she barely said two words, but she seems too smart for that.

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    2. Nope. She's over it. The body language said it all. That ship sailed a long time ago. DP

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    3. Good point. I'm over him too..

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  7. I had every intention of watching this week's episode, but could not bring myself to waste another 2 hours on what has turned out to be 'THE most boring season of the Bachelor'. Thank you, again, for your blog. Loved it as usual.
    Paula in Sacramento

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  8. So Some Guy -- Was Sharleen just "in the moment" and just thought she was digging JP or was she playing along to get opera career exposure?

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    1. The former but not the latter. She's probably watching this season on Hulu in Germany and is horrified. DP

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  9. I admit it, I didn't watch (its getting harder and harder to suffer through- yes he's nice to look at but he is freaking boring!) Despite the fact I didn't do the homework your recap was hilarious! Thanks!

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    1. I'm not with you on the Nice to Look At. He's a decent looking guy but take away the accent and he's just another dude. No? DP

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    2. I agree, he's annoying to look at. He's girly, his clothes are tight and his shorts are too short...and even his accent is starting to annoy me.
      What was up when Sharleen came to his hotel to say good by, he was wiping away her snot?!
      He took the face-touching to a whole new level.
      Gross.

      S

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    3. Ok let me qualify. His body is nice to look at. His face isn't anything special. I am not big on accents so for me that doesn't really help. Lets just say I'd rather look at a Juan Pablo then a Ben Whateverhisnamewaswinemaker guy.

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  10. This season really stinks! Unless they've pulled a Catherine-style edit for Renee, it seems that Nikki is the obvious choice (maternal career choice, as opposed to wardrobe). Whoever winds up with our one dimensional bachelor I would bet is not currently with him now. I fell asleep, literally, this week so I missed the bug showdown between Nikki and Clare. Thanks for your clever posts, as always!

    Dixie

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    1. Dixie, sleep is an appropriate reaction to this season's show. They must be hurting for good footage. DP

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  11. Your phonetic spellings of Juan Pablo's conversations with the wee-men are hilarious. It is no soo-price that I look forward to your blog more than the actual show every week. I too agree that it will be Nikki assepting the final rose but she dropped his hammer pant wearing ass the second she saw the motion of the ocean with Crazy Clare.

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    1. I'm like a modern day Mark Twain, huh? I'm curious if they are still together. I don't pay attention to websites or spoilers so I really have no idea if it's her or Andi or Clare but I'm pretty sure I'm right. DP

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  12. so Some Guy, what are your predictions for how long it takes juanny pabs to can nikki post-ATFR? don't tell me you think they are happily together still..... thanks for the laughs, they are worth waiting til wednesday for :)

    Kellie in Houston

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    1. Kellie, JP won't dump her. It will be the other way around. As I've said, the second she sees the Clare "event" all hell will break loose. I frankly think that's a bit unfair considering what she signed up for. I felt the same way when it happened to Emily and Brad. However, he represented to her that he wouldn't bang anyone else then was dumb enough to be honest about is when she busted his balls about it. I literally bumped into Brad at a gas station last week. He's still single and he looked happy. DP

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    2. Is he still dumb as nails?

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  13. Why are you being so secretive about the Nikki theory? You need to give it to us and risk being wrong. And I can't think why they would make her look bad if he's going to pick her. Though also means she's not in line to be Bachelorette because girl fans don't like her. I hope it's Andi next season, but what "federal prosecutor" gets to take months off to be on a dating reality show! Nikki and Andi claim to be BFF on twitter so they can't be the final two. Nikki v Clare at the end? Unclear why he's dragging Renee through this when we all know she's going to get hurt. Also whet do you guess is the drama in the fantasy suite next week in part two?

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    1. EM, I'll get to my Nikki feedback next week. I'll risk being wrong. I'm not sure she's being made to look bad but my guess is that she'll look like the freaking Virgin Mary between now and the big Neil Lane moment. They rehabilitated Vienna, remember? I think it's Nikki, Clare, and Andi as the final three. Renee can't (and won't) carry a season as the Bach'ette. As for the fantasy suite drama, my guess is that it's something really petty. It's being oversold. Perhaps he rides the fence on marriage or perhaps he just says something stupid. We shall see. Shan't we? DP

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    2. My fantasy suite guess is that JP won't really stay the night with Andi because of how her dad reacts during hometowns (based solely on commercial editing of course), but it is probably even more petty than that.
      -Shelby

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  14. Between the cousin with braces, the Lionel Ritchie video, and Ali's dead grandma's house, I could not stop laughing. I also get a ridiculous amount of evil satisfaction out of the whole tick, tick, tick take on Clare. Why is that? Anyway, thanks to you and Lincee for keeping me laughing.

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    1. Anon, why? Because the truth is ALWAYS funnier than anything I can make up. I've said before that the "Think-It" monicker was put in place on the blog because upon reading one of my emails that eventually turned into this blog, my friend Heather exclaimed, "Everyone thinks it and you write it." That's why this "works," I suppose. Oh, and please let Ali's dead grandmother rest in peace. I'm certain she's currently lying face down in her grave after having to watch Pavelka in her house with her granddaughter. DP

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    2. DP -- I honestly don't remember that moment, but you're always honest, so it must be right! :) Great blog this week. Did anyone notice the intern only covered up "Pat" on the car? Mike and I were calling it the riot mobile...wishing there would be some excitement. Alas...no such luck.
      Lionel Ritchie, Suck it Clare (which, let's be honest, she probably already has), tick, tick, tick, pole position -- all my faves this week!
      XO to you and Mrs. SGIA

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    3. Yes, Heather. This is all your fault. DP

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  15. DP - I hope you're doing well! After watching the date in South Beach this week, I was hoping for the return of your biggest fans, Derek and the Boys from Miami. I guess they were so heartbroken about having to share you with Mrs. SGIA, they've abandoned your blog. Too bad, because the phonetic portions of the Juan Pablo recaps have been hilarious. Oprah singing indeed.

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    1. Holy Cow! It's good to know you're still out there. I have no idea what happened to Derek and the Boys. Perhaps they've moved on to a single blogger. DP

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  16. Poor Sharleeeeeen, I feel like she's trying so hard to fulfill her role as a 'girl in the house' as she understands it...only she doesn't understand it at all. JP, intrigues by someone who's just not that into him. On the SG side, since you are indeed the master of intimation, I was intrigued by the mention of Sharleen not wanting to change diapers. Why not 'doesn't want to sit in carpool line' or "doesn't want to have girly birthday parties" or "doesn't want to "every other weekend it". Perhaps that 'diapers' comment is in it's own way ironic. As usual, very well reasoned and supported, showing only a twinge or two of abject "over-it" on the side. Just a couple more to go, counselor, just a couple more.

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    1. Not sure what you mean by the change of diapers point. However, the point I was alluding to is the dinner when she paused when JP asked her if she wanted kids. Thanks for the comment, ann. Oh, and thanks for the encouragement!

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  17. Oprah singing and "time away from all those hair chemicals has been kind to her" -my faves this time
    Why didn't we see Nikki rub it in that she met Cameeeeeeela? That would have been so much better than the stupid knock down she and Clare had. Finding out that Clare is the youngest of six girls sure explains a lot
    Sal in Utah

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    1. Sal, I'm so looking forward to Clare's hometown. It's just the shot in the arm this season needs. DP

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  18. To paraphrase Chris Harrison, "this weeks blog is the best birthday gift yet"!! Can't stop laughing - didn't read it until today since yesterday was my b'day and I was a little busy! Thanks for the laughs!!!!!!

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    1. Happy Freaking Berfday, Anon. I'm thrilled you got a good laugh on your (day after) birthday. DP

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  19. I can't wait for Nikki to find out about Clare!!!!

    Karen in Houston

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    1. Karen, Exactly. That's like Batman finding out that Robin has been sleeping with the Joker. DP

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  20. Just a thought .....I know you're busy having a life and everything, but do you think you might be posting any more essays soon? Have you ever thought of self publishing them in book form? I'd buy it !!!!
    B in NY (the berfday girl, see 2/20)

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    1. That's good to know, B. Any essay ideas for me? DP

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    2. coming up blank.........

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  21. I know I'm a little late to the party here, so not sure if anybody will see this (esp since the next episode is like 90 minutes away) ... but one of the weirdest things I noticed last week was when JP told his cousin about Sharleen being an "Oprah Singer!!!!!" so excitedly ... kinda like other guys saying they're dating a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader or Sports Illustrated swimsuit model ... and I think they did kind of a bro hug. he doesn't strike me as a huge opera fan, though I could be wrong?

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    1. He's not a huge fan of anything but his own reflection. DP

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    2. Amen to that DP !

      B in NY

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  22. Oh my word, DP, I'm crying from laughing so hard. Great post! I gotta say, the pictures added a lot. Can't wait to read what you have to say about the "so dramatic it had to be split into two nights" special--I'm just sorry you have to sit through two episodes this week instead of one :-).

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  23. Some Guy, You are something else! :) I heard about this show but I have never watched it. My friend shared your blog during last season and I started watching it JUST to read your blog (w/o watching it I wasn't really understanding much). I swear, I will have to continue to waste my time in front of TV just to read your blog. LOVE it. You are a-may-seeng:)

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  24. Hola, DP: I really liked Juan Pablo better when he was a loser on the Deseree Bachelorette--guess because we didn 't hear any of his cliches. We ladies were all agog about Juan Pablo being Bachelor because what, we asked, was there to do anything but to root for him and to enjoy looking at? But, as time kept crawling by and his habits were more repetitiously annoying, I found myself switching back and forth to CSI Miami when I knew the script; i.e., his anticipated gestures and saying to some girls he has a daughter and he "don't want her to see me kissing around..." and yet devouring other girls (see Clare v. Ocean/JP). He was playing around with her s hair (supra at 3:00 a.m. when Cameeela was nighty night or should be anyway). "'S'okay" is his most common phrase, followed by "Look at me" and "I have a daughter."

    When he was around Sharleen he seemed more attached to her than any of them becdause there was some mystery about her and she was intriguing. Then he merely shrugged away when she opted to leave. He started goggling her up too fast and when she said he really cuts to the chase, he no comprendo that--I bet three Lone Stars on that one. I theeenk this a-maayseeen jornee is doomed for him. Sharleen realized this was a farce and she could not play the game any longer and paradoxically he wanted her the most, the one who doesn't even like kids and who would be the worst for Cammeeeela--go figure?

    When I first began watching him as Bachelor I thought he was just being nice and thoughtful in the way he talked to the ladies, especially when he was trying to get to know them and at other times when he had to reassure them or say goodbye. And when he was in action running around and keeping his mouth shut I liked his athletic prowess. But then I realized his vocal habits have developed as a defense against his unwillingness to get beyond Leccion Numero Cinco in ingles and waxed shallow and annoying to me after awhile. I sense he really speaks much better English than that and he is a sham.

    I did root for Sharleen leaving because she can do better and she knew it. I know a lot of bilingual people (my first husband was) with English as their second language so please do noe mistake my offhandedness for anything but this particular individual. He was born here in New York before he went back to Venezuela, so is he just playacting? I honestly predict he will not pick anyone. I almost hope he will not, because the 4 girls he has left are even dumber than he. I counted hundreds (before stopping) of uses of "like" and "I'm like..."

    I stuck through this and the previous programs because of yours and Lincee Ray's incomparable blogs/recaps, which flow as naturally from your lips as an icy drink of Lone Star flows into them! So, into the breach next week, y que vaya bien, amigo.

    Macedonian Hussy

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  25. What's takin so long???

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