Monday, December 8, 2014

Bachelor Chris Soules: Some Guy Rates the Ladies

Hello, Readers.  Some Guy is officially back to rate this year's pool of possibilities vying for a chance at maybe possibly becoming an Iowa resident long enough to travel the country promoting the aforementioned possible Iowa residence long enough to collect a bunch of appearance fees before calling it off and going home to somewhere that's not Iowa.  

The following is my run down on the ladies based SOLELY on their bios and their head shots posted on  I'll, of course, revise these as the season begins.  Let's get to it.  

It's good to be back.  

Our "lucky" Bachelor gets a harem of 30 choices this season.  Let's see how they stack up.  

Alissa, 24, Flight Attendant who loves puppies.  Plunging neckline and all, she's attractive despite the iffy, un-confident smile.  If those boobs are fake, they're tastefully fake.  That's a lot more than I can say for some of the others.  Apparently, fake boobs are this season's statement necklace.  She's likely the only one of the bunch to have been in Iowa.  Granted, she flew over it at 30,000 feet, but for our purposes, that counts.  

Amanda, 24, Ballet Instructor who idolizes Alli from The Notebook (two people in and we're already to that stupid movie) and wants to pay off her student loans.  Note to Amanda:  "I'm in debt" is not the best way to reel in a husband.  I had no idea there was a plastic surgery place named "Student Loans."  She clearly went to school and didn't do well.  I know that because she left with a pair of D's.  Is she there for the right reasons?  We'll have to see how she reacts when they tell her where Iowa is.    

Amber, cough cough 29 cough cough, Bartender who would be a zookeeper for a day if she could.  She's attractive.  Nice smile and she has arms that imply she'd be good at farm work.  Based on that I'll say she sticks around awhile.  Then again, Chris is looking for a wife, not a farm hand.  

Ashley I., 26, Nanny who "tried being a cougar" on a date once.  She tells us that if she won the lottery she would buy Sephora's inventory.  Let's hope she wins the lottery because she's clearly run though Sally Beauty Supply's mascara inventory already.  What's up with the eyelashes?  Is that a thing now?  I'll have to see if it's on Pinterest. She's hot, though.  Nice smile and appears to have a bubbly personality.  She'll stick around.  Top 4

Ashley S., 24, Hair Stylist.  I know what you're saying:  TWO girls named Ashley?  In the SAME season of The Bachelor?  No way! Yes way.   She's a Clare look alike with the same occupation.  Frankly, I think it might be Clare vying for another shot at love or whatever.  I suppose the big giveaway will be if she (allegedly) bangs Chris in the ocean the first chance she gets.  I'm calling BS on the age too. At lease she's not packing 750 cc's worth of silicone up front.  It remains to be seen what she's packing between the ears.  If she's not hair dresser crazy, she'll stick around for a few shows.  

Becca, 26, Chiropractic Assistant.  Great bio.  Attractive.  No bling and an understated Coral shirt that hides the shoulders and is tastefully unbuttoned.  Real boobs, subtle makeup, and she's not bleach blond.  That's how you do a headshot, ladies.  Based on looks and bio alone, Top 4.  

Bo, 25, Plus-sized Model.  Alright, let's be fair.  Any model over 110 pounds fits the category.  You know what rhymes with "Bo"?  No.  Hear me out.  Based on her bio, she's athletic and active.  She's just a bigger girl.  She's got a good smile, is well proportioned, and would likely bear linebackers if Chris were to go that direction.  However, if you put her in a ponytail and a flannel shirt, she'd blend into the Iowa dating pool like a baby deer in the woods.  Plus (see what I did there?), she tells us that she'd have dinner with Beyonce, Rhianna, and Mother Theresa.  Between the plus sized model, Mrs. Bootylicious, and Rhianna having the marijuana munchies, ole Mother Theresa wouldn't get the last roll in the breadbasket.  Bo knows taxis.     

Britt, 27, Waitress with a penchant for helping kids and enjoying contemporary authors.  She's attractive and claims to have a college education.  We'll see if she can explain away the post-graduate waitressing career choice.  She has a Rapunzel thing going on there with the hair and she appears to be pushing a size zero.  She's basically the Anti-Bo.  There's no way she's throwing a hay bale off a flatbed in Iowa.  

Brittany, 26, WWE Diva in Training.  I wonder if she knows that Rated R A-hole that walked through the flowerbeds after he left his girlfriend a voicemail and got caught by Harrison.  Upside:  Iowa is a big wrestling state.  Downside:  not the fake kind.  She's cute and I'm sure she's athletic.  She's either clearly willing to take a chance--ergo, the WWE thing, or she's already run out of options in life--ergo The Bachelor thing after the WWE thing.  Top 10.  

Carly, ahem 29 ahem, Cruise Ship Singer.  She's a current cruise ship singer from Arlington, Texas.  Let me translate that for you:  She's a former pageant girl.  She knows every Connie Francis song by heart, came really close to the Miss Texas crown but botched the last verse of "Greatest Love of All" in the talent portion, and she sings "Proud to Be an American" at the Maypearl VFW every 4th of July.  Those of you from Dallas know exactly what I'm talking about.  You could throw a stick in any direction in Arlington and hit a Carly.  Props to her for pursuing her talent and props to her for having the balls to tell us she's 29.  Maybe she and the other "29" year olds can chat in the cab on the way to the airport.  

 Jade, 28, Cosmetics Developer.  Vague job description aside, she's smoking hot, (allegedly) has her own business, and said if she was an animal she'd be an elephant.  Again, some translation is in order.  She has confidence and no body issues.  Girls self-conscious about their bodies would never compare themselves to an elephant.  Top 3, if not the winner.  I'd bet a week of Harrison's pay that she's a hometown date.  Granted, this all presupposes she doesn't have a boyfriend she left behind and that she hasn't simply come on the show to promote her cosmetic development or whatever.  If she ever wants to be a stripper she won't have to change her name.   

Jillian, 28, News Producer.  Uh, let's see.  Incredibly attractive: Check.  Real job in a city where her real job is hard:  Check.  Normal bio: Check.  In other words, she's all wrong for the show.  Her biggest date fear is "a guy with bad intentions."  I've got news for you, Jillian.  We all have bad intentions.  It's really just a question of degree and timing. News producing is much more interesting in D.C. than it is in Iowa.  There's only so much production value you can add to a State Fair.  

Jordan, 24, Student.  Notwithstanding the fact that "student", by definition, is not an occupation, let's just go by Jordan's bio, shall we?  She jumped off a boat naked in the Virgin Islands, loves Brittany Spears enough to want to be her, and thinks a table dance is a great conversation starter.  All of those things are awesome--unless you're trying to land a husband.  She's the hottest blond in the bunch.  If he's into blonds, she'll stick around if she can hold her booze.  

Juelia, 30, Esthetician.  Let's start off by giving her credit for not lying about her age.  That's not why she'll get kicked off, though.  Her name and job title look like typographical errors and what guy wants to tell all of his buddies, "I'm engaged to an esthetician named Juelia but you don't spell Julia like you would normally spell Julia, you spell it with an 'e' in between the 'u' and the 'l'" all the time?  Can you imagine the third tier wedding guests that haven't talked to Chris in years trying to spell her name on the card with the wedding gift?  You know, like his Aunt's friend from church who only got an invite because mom nagged him into doing it in order to avoid an argument with the Aunt.  And what in the world to you give the Esthetician who has everything?  You get my point.  Juelia wiell bue gouing huome.

Kaitlyn, 30, Dance Instructor.  She's 30.  HOWEVER, she's Canadian, which means that with the exchange rate, she's 26.  Meh, she doesn't do a whole lot for me, but I'll reserve judgment until we figure oot what she's aboot. 

Kara, 25, High School Soccer Coach.  She apparently borrowed a shirt from either Sigfried or Roy.  I'm getting a little Lori Laughlin with blond hair vibe too.  She tells us that she would be herself and wear a sexy yet tasteful outfit to impress a guy.  We'll be waiting for either sexy or tasteful, Kara.  Step it up or you'll get kicked out of bounds.   

Kelsey, 28, Guidance Counselor.  She's from Austin, Texas.  I love her already.  Cute, but not exceptionally attractive in the headshot.  She's into the outdoors and likes to psychoanalyze people.  I'm going to go out on a limb and say that she gets bored with Chris.  She's smart enough to make it past the cocktail party and have a little fun and the headshot doesn't scream desperation.  He'll have to bring his A-game if he wants to pry her from Austin and get her to Iowa.  After all, we still don't know if he's more than a suit filler.  She can always go trolling for Womack at the gym on chest and arms day if she wants a guy who was on the Bachelor.  

Kimberly, 28, Yoga Instructor.  She's from Long Island, NY.  That means she'll look like Theresa Guiduce from Real Housewives of NJ in 20 years.  East Coast and Midwest don't mix.  Even if Chris likes her, his family won't.  I've been wrong before, however.  

Mackenzie, TWENTY-ONE, Dental Assistant.  Compared to the rest of the pack, she's a little short in both the age and the chest department.  Is this Michelle Money's daughter?  She's attractive and the picture screams confidence.  She has plenty of time to grow out of the training bra and get into dental school.  Then again, she's also young enough to pack up all of her bib clips and teeth scraping tools and move to Iowa.  I like her.  She could be a sleeper.  Unless she's emotionally unstable, there's no downside for someone her age.  Getting dumped at 21 isn't the same thing as getting dumped at "29".  She's my dark horse candidate.  

Megan, 24, Make-up Artist.  She says it's important when meeting a guy to "not put up a front."  Sorry, Megan, but a girl who looks like you should probably put up her front whenever she can.  Make-up Artist is a tad down the Crazy Ladder from Hair Dresser.  The blue onesie was an interesting choice for the head shot as well.  We'll see how she does.  

Michelle, 25, Wedding Cake Decorator.  She hates spiders, lives in Utah, and wants to make a guy feel interesting.  I'm going top 5 on this one.   Utah is close enough to Iowa and she has to be sick of wedding cake by now.  She's very pretty and provided she has a personality behind the Deep V-neck sweater, she'll stick around for a while.   

Nicole, 31, Real Estate Agent.  She's basically Kelly with two good eyes.  Her head shot looks like it was taken in a trick mirror.  She tells us that if she could be an animal she'd be a wolf.  Be careful, Chris.  Wolves are pack animals and they hunt together.   Nicole is likely too proper for the farm and the real estate market in Iowa can't be what it is in Scottsdale.  Then again, there's an opportunity to be a housewife.  

Nikki, 26, Former NY Jets Cheerleader.  She's basically Snooki if Snooki never took a drink.  FORMER Cheerleader means that she's CURRENTLY unemployed.  She's cute and she chose the right color shirt for her head shot.  Jury's out on her.  We'll see if she brings it.  B-E-A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E, Nikki.  Former cheerleaders everywhere are cheering for you--well, not technically cheering for you since that would make them current cheerleaders, but you know what I mean.  

Reegan, 28, Cadaver Tissue Salesperson.  Does she really have to sell dead tissue?  Is that a highly competitive market like the soft drink or bottled water market?  Who knew?  Alright, she scares me.  She looks like she'd be ready to cut off a certain part of Chris' anatomy and keep it in her purse.  Maybe she can sell some new eyelids to Neil Lane if she makes it to the final 2 this season.  The odd name and unusual spelling don't help.  She's terrifying.  

Samantha, 27, Fashion Designer.  Meh.  I'm undecided.  Decent, fence-riding, safe bio and a good head shot.  I'm not sure that the fashion industry considers Iowa as one of its hubs but this may present an opportunity for bright-eyed Samantha.  Pig sweaters may be the new skinny jean if Samantha has her way.  

Tandra, 30, Executive Assistant.  If he takes a blond to the final 4, she's it.  She listens to French Rock music for some reason.  She loves moments in music and says it has to build to a climax.  Her answer begs the question if she knew what question she was answering when she wrote that.  She seems fun.  Silly name aside, I like her.  

Tara, 26, Sport Fishing Enthusiast.  She's got a twin sister and doesn't go anywhere--and I didn't make this up--without her "stuffed beaver" which she's "had since birth."  Wow.  Thanks for the softball, Tara.  Allow me to hit it out of the park.  Gee, I find it comforting to know that if she doesn't take her stuffed beaver to the Fantasy Suite, Chris is likely to give her another one.  Boom.  I didn't even have to use the Red Snapper joke I had lined up.  

Tracy, 29, Fourth Grade Teacher.  Top 5.  Generic bio but Some Guy reads between the lines.  She'll go far if she can stand pig farms and corn.  I'm glad she wore her Baywatch costume for the head shot too.    

Trina, 33, Special Education Teacher.  Hey, Trina, dark roots and statement necklaces went out last season.  Read the packet you get upon check in.  She might be the one with the pregnancy scare.   

Whitney, 29, Fertility Nurse.  She can't go anywhere without her razor, will try anything once, and likes to pursue men.  Sounds like a hell of a night in the Fantasy Suite to me.  Then again, having a razor wielding fertility nurse who's desperate to get married chase after me is not very enticing.  

Well, there it is.  All 30, yes 30, of this year's crop of hopefuls.  It's an older crowd this year and it promises to be a good season.  Iowa, in my mind, is the big wildcard here.  Yes, true love is true love but Iowa is...well, Iowa.  

Post your comments below or on my @someguyinaustin twitter feed.  I'll be tweeting every Monday night during the show.  Have a wonderful Holiday Season.  Be safe, and tune in on January 5.  In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be looking for a stuffed beaver.  DP