Friday, September 25, 2009

Pre-Season Bachelor Talk--Who Will it Be?

Alright, so I’ve been forced out of semi-retirement early by my “friends” who insist on f’ing around at “work” and sniffing the glue of internet fodder concerning the question on the tip of every American’s tongue: Who will be the next Bachelor?

I’ll humor all of you but, for the record, my prediction is that the show does what’s best and takes last season out behind the shed and beats it to death with a garden rake. True, there are three viable candidates left (five if you give Wes and Ed a chance to cheat again), but all three of them just don’t have the charisma to hold an audience’s attention for a full season. It would be like trying to dribble a half inflated basketball all the way down the court. The 15 minutes that Reid, Kiptyn, and Jake enjoyed should be left in its grave. There are plenty of other attention seeking, late 20’s-early 30’s, protein shake drinking, shirtless, outdoor running, chin-up in the park doing, d-bags in America looking to take a public “journey” in order to find a “connection” with a hot, desperate, emotionally damaged, gold digging, bulimic working in “Real Estate Sales” or “Fitness Training.” Did I mention gold digging? Let’s turn the page already. You hear me, Harrison? Turn. The. Freaking. Page.

With that out of my system, I will now present my hypothetical Bachelor pros and cons if Reid, Kiptyn, or Jake is selected.

1. Reid-- This guy seems like the most obvious choice to me. Why? Because he clearly demonstrated that he wants to be on the show. Over and over and over and over again he showed up like a bad rash trying to win Jillian’s heart away from two cheaters and a cheeseball but was turned down like a bed at a fancy hotel. They might as well have left a chocolate on his lapel. His last attempt to crash the final rose ceremony and propose to Jillian was-in a word-f*cking humiliating. He needs a chance to redeem himself—to rebuild his self confidence. Let’s face it, there are enough women out there who think this guy is bitchin’ and—based on the fact that they all write letters to Chris Harrison—Reid has a shot. UPSIDE: It was fun watching him get kicked in the balls twice last season. It would be fun watching him be indecisive and short again. He seems like a relatively nice guy despite the shots I take at him, and hell, if he’s volunteering they should let him give it the old college try. Maybe he can drop the hammer in the fantasy suite again. DOWNSIDE: He’s Chandler Bing. Literally. He’s anal, whiney, indecisive, and neurotic. Plus, we’d be reminded about how Jillian broke his heart and, frankly, I’m tired of hearing about her—well, at least until she and Ed announce their breakup.

2. Kiptyn-- Frankly, he seems like the most unlikely choice for me. Actually, every prediction I’ve made concerning reality shows has been wrong, but I have a feeling about this one—perhaps that’s just the cabbage I had for lunch. Why is he an unlikely choice? First, his controlling mom appeared to have enough last season when he brought Jillian home and she begrudgingly let her into the giant beachside mansion that her second husband bought to shut her up. Something tells me that what mom says goes. Do you think he voluntarily kept the name “Kiptyn”? Please. Once is enough and Kiptyn needs to go back to doing the fake job his step father created for him. He’s better off letting sleeping bitches lie. Second, the guy clearly wasn’t ready to get married last season. Oh sure, he proposed, but only after making it to the final ring thing and—I’m sure—a terse conversation with the show’s producers. Stay single, dude. It suits you. UPSIDE: He’s got good body (no, I’m not gay) and every female viewer would get to drool into her wine glass every time they showed him toweling off, running down the beach, or groping one of the chicks in a hot tub.

Incidentally, does anyone ever notice that the hot tubs are never turned on? I suppose it’s a sound issue, but the show is fake anyway. Can’t they dub that in later? I’d like my reality television to be a little more like reality. No one sits in a hot tub when it’s off. It’s too hard to pee.
DOWNSIDE: The guy has huge ears. Seriously, he looks like a Cadillac with the doors open. Also, he’s as dry as dry gets. We’d get sick of the forced conversation and repetitive jokes. Remember when he tried to flamenco last season? Disaster. He’s boring. Finally, his name pisses me off.

3. Jake-- I know by now most of you think this guy should be the guy. However, none of you have my prodigious insider connections. However, even without my insider connections, I still think this guy is the definition of “tool” and should just go back to Dallas and play in his cockpit. There should be a standing rule on the Bachelor that any guy who cries—no sobs—uncontrollably on the interior balcony of a hotel after he’s been kicked off the show by the person he’s crying over should never be allowed to be the next bachelor. Back to my insider connections. Word on the street says that Jake is a religious nut who has told more than one person that he believes that God wants him to be the next bachelor. Apparently, he believes that God wanted him to be on 7 shows last season, which is why he thought it was the right move that he return after his 6th show to rat on Wes with hearsay and conjecture about an alleged relationship Wes might possibly be sort of involved in . . .maybe. Wes literally received death threats and the alleged girlfriend did too. I guess Jake skipped over that whole “don’t bear false witness” stuff. Just to be clear, I have no problem if he’s religious. It’s comforting to know that the guy flying me from Dallas to wherever believes in being a good person. However, adding the “God wants us to be together” card to a mix of destiny references and “she’s an angel sent from Heaven” talk will get real old real fast. I’d be willing to put up with it, however, if I thought there was a chance of Wes showing up on one of Jake’s dates and revealing some sort of homoerotic modeling pictures Jake took in college. No such luck. UPSIDE: I’d have tons of new material. DOWNSIDE: I’d have to watch Jake all season.

Well, there it is. We will see what happens. In the meantime, don’t call me. I’ll be holding my breath.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Here Today, Gone to Tali. Luke Decides on More to Love

Oh my, what a season and what a finish. Luke made the big choice and popped the big question. The two hour finale of More to Love had some interesting moments and left us believing that fat people can find love too. (Did anyone actually ever doubt that?)

First, I’d like to apologize for putting this post up a day late. I had some deadlines to meet in the job I actually get paid to do. Speaking of getting paid, how in the hell did Emme justify collecting a paycheck for the show? Seriously. All she did the entire season was show up at the end of each episode, collect the rings in a bowl, and leave. I’m jealous. Johnny Carson works less than her . . . now. Props to her for coming out of obscurity and walking right back into it. I’m sure she’s putting in a pool as we speak.

As is customary, the finale began with a look at Luke’s “journey.” We had flashbacks of the limos arriving like train cars at a cattle auction, memorable moments from the season, and a voice over from Luke about making it to the final ceremony and choosing the new potential Mrs. Conoly. Tali talked. Malissa talked. We all became anxious. Our living rooms were inseminated with the seed of speculation and Americans engaged in spirited discourse about which curvy cutie would win Luke’s pre-arteriosclerotic heart.

Tali is first up to meet Luke’s family. Luke shows up to the park to meet Tali casually dressed in giant cargo shorts with his dog. Tali is appropriately dressed in “I’m meeting the family for the first time in a casual setting” attire but she fails to complete the standard “skip/run through the park and jump and wrap your legs around your potential future husband’s waist” move that Jillian and every size 2 Bachelor/Bachelorette female contestant is taught in reality show training. I guess there are some things that only skinny people should do.

Tali pretends she likes dogs and they walk romantically through the park to a pre-staged picnic where they discuss their feelings. I was going to ask why there is always food, but I believe that’s obvious. The tension on Luke’s face when Tali asks if her “background” will be an issue is thicker than the plaque in his arteries. Translation: Am I too dark and Jewish for your family? I’ll give Luke credit for addressing it like a man. He all but apologized for his dad who—as we will later see—took time out from his Arayan book club meeting to meet the potential future Mrs. Conoly. Luke informs us that his parents are divorced and that Tali will have the pleasure of meeting dear old dad first.

When they arrive at Luke’s dad’s house it is apparent that Luke is a tad embarrassed by his dad. Maybe it was just me but I sensed some issues between them. Luke is clearly a mama’s boy. Dad, who is already a couple of sheets in, seems to enjoy drinking and having people around. He hides his disdain for Jews and dark skin well enough to make it to the dinner table without starting a race war. Tali sneaks off in a pre-planned meeting with Luke’s grandmother who looks like the grandmother from the Beverly Hillbillies. She asks Tali a series of pre-production canned questions and does a poor job acting like she gets the entire reality show concept. Bless her heart. She’s an old lady. Maybe she can be on Too Old To Love as our first Widow-ette or whatever. At the dinner table Luke’s drunk dad draws a line in the sand by insisting on saying an overtly non-Jewish blessing over the food. Tali handles it appropriately and then gets grilled by the family about her “background.” Whatever. Luke eventually gets his dad to back off by dismissing his concerns and sort of sticks up for Tali. Disaster averted.
Malissa is next. For some reason they meet in a pool hall. Malissa proceeds to whip Luke’s large ass in a game of pool. Man, you’ve got to love a lady. What occurs next is baffling. They enjoy a light pre-dinner snack of pizza and beer. Luke confesses that he eats pizza a few times a week while Malissa only admits to eating it “about once a week.” Right. Once a week. That must be why she’s so dainty.

When they arrive at Luke’s dad’s house Luke’s dad commences hitting on Malissa by complimenting her “Irish eyes” and throwing a few beers down her throat. Luke should have just offered her to him and ended it right there. Malissa “loves” dad’s love for our Lord and Savior and expresses excitement when he asks permission to say grace at his own table. Give me a break. Luke looks clearly annoyed. His father actually drops a “well, the choice is pretty clear, isn’t it?” and Luke suppresses the urge to rip off his f*cking head by reminding his dad that the choice belongs to him. Luke’s dial tone of a brother offers a peacemaking suggestion that the decision is not as clear as Luke’s neo-Nazi father believes. I’m certain that moment was played out thousands of times during their childhood. Classic. I would have preferred a headlock or a “you were never much of a father!” blast, but Luke proved himself to be a real man. Frankly, he handled it better than I would have. After throwing down a few more beers with Adolf Conoly and another staged conversation with Granny Clampett, Malissa heads out confident that she’s got the ring in the bag. I’m sure she had a celebratory pizza when she got back to the room, you know, as a bedtime snack.

Just as I was bored to tears, it’s the girls' turn to meet mom. It’s clear that Luke trusts and respects his mom and—dare I say—is going to do exactly what she says. When she arrives at the house dressed in some sort of pinstriped judo uniform thing she resembles a fat Diane Keaton minus the leather gloves and self-importance. She seems a little cold and formal and it’s clear why she dumped Luke’s old man. Ironically, her name is Faith (more about that later).
Malissa begins sucking up like a newborn pig to a sow's belly and Faith clearly isn’t buying it. Finally, someone who can see past the force field of Malissa’s giant boobs. Malissa goes out of her way to sell herself and even refers to herself as a “main character” on the show. Luke looks pissed and does an awful job at poker-facing the remaining minutes of the show. The only one who doesn’t know Malissa is toast is Malissa herself. Tali plays it cool, is respectful, and watches Malissa seal her fate. Mom chops off the boobs of the dragon in her meeting with Luke when she makes it clear that she hates Malissa. She discusses Tali’s “background” and gives Luke some motherly advice about her potential future grandkids. Ironically, it was “Faith” that put them together. Oh, I love it.

The final dates are uneventful to the extent that we’ve seen it all before. Both girls drop the “L” word and Luke reciprocates. In the end, Luke ended up seeing through Malissa and her giant boobs and picking the non-believer Tali. Malissa was pissed off but eventually managed some fake tears in the limo.

As cynical as I am about these shows, Luke and Tali actually looked happy and sincere. I’m rooting for them. Bring on the Bachelor!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Luke Eats Some Pie . . .The Fatchelor Scores

More to Love was down to the final three this week and Luke narrowed his focus and laid on the charm. Well, not really, but it was a good lead in. With my attention distracted by the My Antonio train wreck I have to admit that my interest in this show is quickly losing steam. However, we’re down to the “big” finale next week and I’m committed to see it through.

This week the contestants were crated up and shipped off to Hawaii and treated to one on one dates with our Fatchelor, Luke. I really don’t understand the choice of venue. Didn’t we just see Jillian dismiss that alleged cheater Wes and move on to that real cheater Ed in Hawaii? Do we really need to be in Hawaii again? It brings back so many painful memories for me. I weep for Kiptyn and Reid like Jake wept on the balcony of the Hyatt in Austin. I’d like to see the final dates set in a place more conducive to fat white people like Wisconsin or Michigan, for instance. Nonetheless, Hawaii it is. Incidentally, Michigan is the only state in the country that classifies fat people as a protected class. You can actually sue someone in Michigan if you’re discriminated against for being too fat. You’re welcome for the trivia. Feel free to impress your skinny friends at cocktail parties with that little tidbit. Back to More to Love.

We begin with the first luau and realize yet another reason why this show should have been filmed in a more temperate place. Despite his incredibly fashionable Mexican waiter shirt and delicate linen slacks, Luke was sweating like a hooker in church. I half expected steam to come out of his ears. I began to believe my Frosty the Snowman analogy from last week. They could have at least put up an umbrella for the guy. Regardless, Luke is as charming as ever when he announces that the group dates are over and each woman will get the pleasure of a one on one date. Finally. Malissa grins knowingly, Tali smiles (I assume she could smile because the heat softened the ice in her veins), and Mandy raises her hands and let’s out a whoo hoo. In reality TV land this is known as foreshadowing. Mandy’s celebration is her Swan Song. It’s her Little Big Horn. Her ground war against the Russians in the dead of winter. Her sip of curdled milk after a night of binge drinking. Her dropped left hand in the 12th round of a title fight. Her double expresso in the car the morning after a big Mexican meal. You get the picture. I really wish she didn’t have to go out that way. If she could have tamed her insecurities, she might have won. Oh well. Someone has to get Jillian-ed here so she can get asked back to be the Fatchelorette. It might as well be Mandy. I liked her.

Malissa draws the first date straw and she and Luke are whisked away to play with the dolphins. That sounds like a lot of fun . . . unless you happen to be a dolphin. Apparently, the producers were able to summon the world’s strongest dolphin because it dragged Luke and Malissa across the marina like nobody’s business. I hope he got some extra whatever dolphins like to eat in exchange for pulling the heavy load. Apparently, Luke was too distracted by Malissa’s giant boobs to recall the fiasco of meeting her ball busting sisters the week before because Luke and Malissa again have the engagement/attraction/connection/future together talk followed by (big surprise) dinner. Upon looking erotically into each other’s eyes and espousing their physical attraction to one another, Luke drops the “dessert is in my hotel room” line and Malissa eats it up faster than she did her entrée. They presumably skip dessert (either that or they inhaled it so fast the camera could not catch it) and head directly for the bedroom for some full-sized lovin', touchin’, and squeezin’. I could have done without the smooching and moaning sounds but Luke seemed to be making adequate progress and presumably closed the deal. Good for him.

Luke appears the next morning unscathed from unhooking Malissa’s bra. My bet is that he needed an Allen wrench to undo that thing. Tali shows up to collect her sloppy seconds and Luke announces they are going on a boat ride. He’s excited about this he tells us because Tali was apparently in the Israeli navy. Huh? I’ll give Luke credit for trying, but we quickly learn that Tali’s biggest fear is the water. What the f*ck? Joining the navy and being afraid of water is like joining a sorority and being afraid of date rape. To make matters worse for Luke (who I haven’t felt this sorry for since his date with “I’m a fat virgin” Danielle), has to listen to how Tali is put off because she doesn’t like being in a swimsuit and hasn’t even been in the water since she was 12 years old. Between this and her Uncle Leo’s “her parents hate Christians” speech last week, you’d think Luke would be smart enough to push her off the boat. Nope. He patiently coaxes her into the water for some snorkeling. Props to Luke for putting up with the aggravation and congrats to Tali for facing her fears. Nice job. I still think she’s boring. Apparently, Luke doesn’t though because he’s beaming when he picks her up for dinner despite the poofy black weird looking dress thing she’s wearing. Luke again drops a version of “dessert is in my room” and she takes the bait. Tali makes a comment about facing her fears and saying that she’s not going to do what she normally does and she’s going to take a chance on love by going back to Luke’s room. Translation: I’m not usually a lascivious bimbo, but I will be to win this show. I’m certain her fun-hating parents will be none too happy. Good for you, Tali. Luke and Tali slosh around in the hot tub and talk about the future. As before, I could have done without the smooching and moaning sounds but Luke seemed to be making adequate progress and presumably closed the deal. Good for him.

After scrubbing his genitals and restocking his wallet with the final condom from his Trojan 3-pack, Luke meets Mandy for the final one on one date of the show. In Fredo-taking-a-boat-ride-esque fashion Mandy and Luke go four wheeling through the Hawaiian jungle, share a meal, and cordially smooch atop an outdoor mattress on a boat. Luke, who for some reason wore white Ted Knight like shoes and a white sport coat to dinner, is clearly uninterested but does his best to avoid the F-word (friend) in his interview. The ring ceremony goes off without a hitch. Emme shows up looking like a construction barricade in orange, collects the rings in the bowl, and leaves to join the crew at the buffet. Luke quickly nails the coffin containing Mandy’s dreams shut when he gives the first ring to Tali. Malissa and her boobs are next to collect their ring and Mandy is left whoo-hoo-less and rejected. Luke looks unapologetic, Mandy looks upset, and Malissa and Tali learn they get to meet the big guy’s family.

All in all it was a telling episode. Luke won't have to go to a Hawaiin drugstore to buy more condoms and he eliminated an obstacle to his happiness. Next week is family week and then the big final decision. My money is on Tali to win because I think Luke’s family will see through Malissa and pick the less of two evils. I suppose it’s better to marry a water-fearing non-believer than a child-hating leech. We’ll see what happens.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Family Matters on More to Love

The next installment of More to Love and I have to admit that I’m thinking of scrapping this show and going with My Antonio or Toddlers and Tiaras, both of which are horrifying for different reasons. More to Love is droning on like a swim in a pool filled with sour cream and Luke is one step closer to making his “big” decision. This week was no different from any other week. There was some drama, some crying, some references to being picked on for being fat, some dates, and food . . . plenty of food. We saw Luke’s boobs and we heard his usual banter about finding a confident woman and wanting a family. The girls began to stress about making it to the final four. As if that wasn’t enough pressure, we were introduced to their “families” and reminded why most of them have weight problems to begin with. There was more judging than an episode of Dance Fever. Let’s begin.

We start with the usual recap of the recap and are reminded that Anna, Tali, Malissa, and Mandy all made it to the final four for . . . well, that’s not really apparent. Tali kicks off the one-on-one dates by accompanying Luke to a bumper car ride. What? Bumper cars? Apparently, most of the budget on this show is spent on the buffet for the contestants. While Jason and Molly are running around in New Zealand zip-lining all over the place, Luke and Tali get a ride to Games People Play. It’s bad enough they don’t get to leave town, but they have to cram themselves into tiny cars and drive in a circle. I’d be pissed off it that was my date. Nonetheless, Luke makes the most of it and Tali’s competitive side comes out when she makes it a point to win the race. I’m certain it had something to do with the fact that Luke’s chassis was scraping the ground the entire way; but hey, a win is a win and Tali seems as happy as Tali can pretend to be.

Over a Coke in a Styrofoam cup (again, nice budget), Tali and Luke look knowingly into each others’ eyes and pretend to have a conversation. To be fair to Luke, if you placed a lump of coal up Tali’s ass, you’d have a diamond in about a day. He was clearly trying. We then get the news that Luke has set up a big surprise and that he’s brought Tali’s Aunt and Uncle to surprise her. Upon seeing her Uncle Leo she looks directly at the food he has in his hands and doesn’t recognize him because she was too distracted by the food. This stuff is impossible to make up. Let me restate that: Tali was too distracted by the presence of food to recognize her family. Unbelievable. After Uncle Leo and Aunt Whatever give her forced hugs, the beatings begin. Now let me say this. I understand that not everyone is thrilled with the reality show format and not everyone believes that “finding love” or “establishing a connection” or “going on a journey” is possible in a contained environment with 25 women, 1 man, and dozens of cameras and production people running around shouting directions. Fair enough. BUT, if you’re going to agree to go on the show don’t pee all over it. Upon meeting Luke for the first time, Uncle Leo quickly launches into a diatribe about what a couple of Israeli pricks Tali’s parents can be. The guy was a buzz kill. The producers could have at least given Luke some cotton candy or one of those giant turkey legs to gnaw on while being castigated. Seriously, Joan of Arc was treated better by the English. The look on Luke’s face was along the lines of “this a-hole will never be my brother-in-law.” Tali was equally as horrified but exhibited sufficient Stockholm Syndrome by explaining away her parent’s bigotry and obsession with controlling their daughter. Strike one.

Luke dumps Tali off back at the stable and picks up Mandy for her date. Before he does, we cut to a shot of Malissa and her giant boobs and Anna sitting outside of Mandy’s room asking her questions about Luke. Now remember, Mandy melted down like a stick of butter last week when jealously reared its ugly head and Kristian fanned the flames. Mandy seemed to be rallying this week after her voluntary women’s room lockdown, but quickly reminded us just how close to the edge she’s teetering when she again locked herself in the bathroom after Malissa and her boobs began asking too many personal questions about her feelings for Luke. Malissa and her boobs can be really mean sometimes.

After recovering, she meets Luke on the steps where he just dumped Tali and her emotional scars and off they go to have dinner on the boat docked at the marina where Heather puked in the water, Danielle announced that she’s a fat virgin, and Luke got slathered with suntan lotion like mayonnaise on a Subway sandwich. Again, nice budget. Mandy’s parents are waiting on the boat. Her dad looks like a less hairy Bela Karoly and her mom is about half her height. We never learn how Mandy got so tall, but we certainly learn how she got so crazy. Upon being asked if their daughter is ready for marriage Mandy’s parents proceed to make Uncle Leo look like the life of the party. Mandy is sufficiently annoyed and Luke is again defeated. At least he had food and alcohol this time. Strike Two

Luke shuffles Mandy back to the mansion as quickly as he can and returns to his hut to prepare for his date with Anna. Anna tells us that she grew up a tomboy and that she’s looking forward to bowling with Luke. No, that’s not a euphemism. He literally intends to take her bowling. Anna proves she’s a tomboy by showing up to the date dressed like a boy. She and Luke ham it up at the bowling alley. Luke shows off his lack of bowling skills and Anna wipes the lane with him. Shortly after that, Anna’s parents show up. Apparently, her parents went to high school with Abe Lincoln because they are a collective 360 years old. Luke again seems unimpressed when they squash his hopes for family approval by stating that Anna is not ready for marriage. I’ll go ahead and call this one Ball One. At least they didn’t completely ruin her only hope of bagging a man . . . or did they?

Fortunately for Luke, he had the opportunity to handle bowling balls on his date with Anna because his next date was with Malissa. Her boobs literally could not be bigger. It’s impossible. Malissa approaches Luke with her confidence and attitude. She’s clearly comfortable in her skin and Luke seems impressed. She did look pretty. We find out that Luke is taking her to—where else—a restaurant for dinner and a wine tasting. When they arrive the sommelier (which is French for snooty person who refills my wine glass) blindfolds them for a wine tasting. The blindfold is a ruse and Malissa’s sisters emerge from hiding to sit at the dinner table. Malissa looks horrified at their presence, Luke looks put off, and her sisters…well, let’s start with her sisters.

The dark-haired sister looks like a lower rent Kardasian sister who has been hidden in the background like Rose Kennedy. The “blond” sister looks like the love child of Rod Stewart and Amy Winehouse. Actually, Amy Winehouse looks like Liz Taylor circa 1955 compared to Malissa’s sister. The bitterness between her and Malissa is palpable. At one point, it was so thick, Luke actually tried to spread butter on it and eat it. We learn from her sister that Malissa refuses to babysit her 4 year old nephew—an issue more raw than the inside of Luke’s thighs after a jog on the beach. Malissa explains it away by saying that she “doesn’t like other people’s kids.” Translation: My sister is a white trash meth addict who lives in a shack down the street with her 5th boyfriend since giving birth and I refuse to do her a favor because I hate her.” She quickly reassures a terrified looking Luke that “it will be different” with her kids. Translation: “I hate kids but I really want to win this show.” Luke, is visibly annoyed at the ball busting he’s being made to endure at the hands of the crimped and Clorox bleached hair of Malissa’s sister. In an attempt to go for the jugular, Luke asks how the girls would feel if he proposed to Malissa. They scoff at the prospect and the producers do their best to edit out the hostility. Malissa gives her sisters a fake hug and proceeds into damage control with Luke. I’ll give her credit for embracing the denial. Luke again looks horrified. Strike Three.

After going back to the house, Malissa announces that Luke asked the proposal question and rampant speculation begins. Mandy tears up but manages to keep it together enough not to Heather herself out of the show. Malissa sits back calmly displaying her enormous hooters and Tali contemplates the fact that after begin lambasted by Uncle Leo’s negativity like a ham with a jar of honey Luke might consider her a “difficult choice” in the ring ceremony. You think? Emme, who actually amazes me by collecting a paycheck for doing less than Chris Harrison, arrives with the ring bowl, states the obvious, and leaves to hit the Sizzler. Luke ultimately eliminates Anna because he bought into her parents’ assertion that she’s not ready for the big commitment. It turns out they did ruin her only hope of finding a man after all. The remaining girls get the news that they’re headed for Hawaii (more bathing suits?) to complete the hunt for Luke’s dream girl. I can't wait.