Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Family Matters on More to Love

The next installment of More to Love and I have to admit that I’m thinking of scrapping this show and going with My Antonio or Toddlers and Tiaras, both of which are horrifying for different reasons. More to Love is droning on like a swim in a pool filled with sour cream and Luke is one step closer to making his “big” decision. This week was no different from any other week. There was some drama, some crying, some references to being picked on for being fat, some dates, and food . . . plenty of food. We saw Luke’s boobs and we heard his usual banter about finding a confident woman and wanting a family. The girls began to stress about making it to the final four. As if that wasn’t enough pressure, we were introduced to their “families” and reminded why most of them have weight problems to begin with. There was more judging than an episode of Dance Fever. Let’s begin.

We start with the usual recap of the recap and are reminded that Anna, Tali, Malissa, and Mandy all made it to the final four for . . . well, that’s not really apparent. Tali kicks off the one-on-one dates by accompanying Luke to a bumper car ride. What? Bumper cars? Apparently, most of the budget on this show is spent on the buffet for the contestants. While Jason and Molly are running around in New Zealand zip-lining all over the place, Luke and Tali get a ride to Games People Play. It’s bad enough they don’t get to leave town, but they have to cram themselves into tiny cars and drive in a circle. I’d be pissed off it that was my date. Nonetheless, Luke makes the most of it and Tali’s competitive side comes out when she makes it a point to win the race. I’m certain it had something to do with the fact that Luke’s chassis was scraping the ground the entire way; but hey, a win is a win and Tali seems as happy as Tali can pretend to be.

Over a Coke in a Styrofoam cup (again, nice budget), Tali and Luke look knowingly into each others’ eyes and pretend to have a conversation. To be fair to Luke, if you placed a lump of coal up Tali’s ass, you’d have a diamond in about a day. He was clearly trying. We then get the news that Luke has set up a big surprise and that he’s brought Tali’s Aunt and Uncle to surprise her. Upon seeing her Uncle Leo she looks directly at the food he has in his hands and doesn’t recognize him because she was too distracted by the food. This stuff is impossible to make up. Let me restate that: Tali was too distracted by the presence of food to recognize her family. Unbelievable. After Uncle Leo and Aunt Whatever give her forced hugs, the beatings begin. Now let me say this. I understand that not everyone is thrilled with the reality show format and not everyone believes that “finding love” or “establishing a connection” or “going on a journey” is possible in a contained environment with 25 women, 1 man, and dozens of cameras and production people running around shouting directions. Fair enough. BUT, if you’re going to agree to go on the show don’t pee all over it. Upon meeting Luke for the first time, Uncle Leo quickly launches into a diatribe about what a couple of Israeli pricks Tali’s parents can be. The guy was a buzz kill. The producers could have at least given Luke some cotton candy or one of those giant turkey legs to gnaw on while being castigated. Seriously, Joan of Arc was treated better by the English. The look on Luke’s face was along the lines of “this a-hole will never be my brother-in-law.” Tali was equally as horrified but exhibited sufficient Stockholm Syndrome by explaining away her parent’s bigotry and obsession with controlling their daughter. Strike one.

Luke dumps Tali off back at the stable and picks up Mandy for her date. Before he does, we cut to a shot of Malissa and her giant boobs and Anna sitting outside of Mandy’s room asking her questions about Luke. Now remember, Mandy melted down like a stick of butter last week when jealously reared its ugly head and Kristian fanned the flames. Mandy seemed to be rallying this week after her voluntary women’s room lockdown, but quickly reminded us just how close to the edge she’s teetering when she again locked herself in the bathroom after Malissa and her boobs began asking too many personal questions about her feelings for Luke. Malissa and her boobs can be really mean sometimes.

After recovering, she meets Luke on the steps where he just dumped Tali and her emotional scars and off they go to have dinner on the boat docked at the marina where Heather puked in the water, Danielle announced that she’s a fat virgin, and Luke got slathered with suntan lotion like mayonnaise on a Subway sandwich. Again, nice budget. Mandy’s parents are waiting on the boat. Her dad looks like a less hairy Bela Karoly and her mom is about half her height. We never learn how Mandy got so tall, but we certainly learn how she got so crazy. Upon being asked if their daughter is ready for marriage Mandy’s parents proceed to make Uncle Leo look like the life of the party. Mandy is sufficiently annoyed and Luke is again defeated. At least he had food and alcohol this time. Strike Two

Luke shuffles Mandy back to the mansion as quickly as he can and returns to his hut to prepare for his date with Anna. Anna tells us that she grew up a tomboy and that she’s looking forward to bowling with Luke. No, that’s not a euphemism. He literally intends to take her bowling. Anna proves she’s a tomboy by showing up to the date dressed like a boy. She and Luke ham it up at the bowling alley. Luke shows off his lack of bowling skills and Anna wipes the lane with him. Shortly after that, Anna’s parents show up. Apparently, her parents went to high school with Abe Lincoln because they are a collective 360 years old. Luke again seems unimpressed when they squash his hopes for family approval by stating that Anna is not ready for marriage. I’ll go ahead and call this one Ball One. At least they didn’t completely ruin her only hope of bagging a man . . . or did they?

Fortunately for Luke, he had the opportunity to handle bowling balls on his date with Anna because his next date was with Malissa. Her boobs literally could not be bigger. It’s impossible. Malissa approaches Luke with her confidence and attitude. She’s clearly comfortable in her skin and Luke seems impressed. She did look pretty. We find out that Luke is taking her to—where else—a restaurant for dinner and a wine tasting. When they arrive the sommelier (which is French for snooty person who refills my wine glass) blindfolds them for a wine tasting. The blindfold is a ruse and Malissa’s sisters emerge from hiding to sit at the dinner table. Malissa looks horrified at their presence, Luke looks put off, and her sisters…well, let’s start with her sisters.

The dark-haired sister looks like a lower rent Kardasian sister who has been hidden in the background like Rose Kennedy. The “blond” sister looks like the love child of Rod Stewart and Amy Winehouse. Actually, Amy Winehouse looks like Liz Taylor circa 1955 compared to Malissa’s sister. The bitterness between her and Malissa is palpable. At one point, it was so thick, Luke actually tried to spread butter on it and eat it. We learn from her sister that Malissa refuses to babysit her 4 year old nephew—an issue more raw than the inside of Luke’s thighs after a jog on the beach. Malissa explains it away by saying that she “doesn’t like other people’s kids.” Translation: My sister is a white trash meth addict who lives in a shack down the street with her 5th boyfriend since giving birth and I refuse to do her a favor because I hate her.” She quickly reassures a terrified looking Luke that “it will be different” with her kids. Translation: “I hate kids but I really want to win this show.” Luke, is visibly annoyed at the ball busting he’s being made to endure at the hands of the crimped and Clorox bleached hair of Malissa’s sister. In an attempt to go for the jugular, Luke asks how the girls would feel if he proposed to Malissa. They scoff at the prospect and the producers do their best to edit out the hostility. Malissa gives her sisters a fake hug and proceeds into damage control with Luke. I’ll give her credit for embracing the denial. Luke again looks horrified. Strike Three.

After going back to the house, Malissa announces that Luke asked the proposal question and rampant speculation begins. Mandy tears up but manages to keep it together enough not to Heather herself out of the show. Malissa sits back calmly displaying her enormous hooters and Tali contemplates the fact that after begin lambasted by Uncle Leo’s negativity like a ham with a jar of honey Luke might consider her a “difficult choice” in the ring ceremony. You think? Emme, who actually amazes me by collecting a paycheck for doing less than Chris Harrison, arrives with the ring bowl, states the obvious, and leaves to hit the Sizzler. Luke ultimately eliminates Anna because he bought into her parents’ assertion that she’s not ready for the big commitment. It turns out they did ruin her only hope of finding a man after all. The remaining girls get the news that they’re headed for Hawaii (more bathing suits?) to complete the hunt for Luke’s dream girl. I can't wait.

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