Here we are, Episode 5 of The Fatchelor and it’s finally getting interesting. Last night’s episode of More to Love featured some real jaw droppers; and no, I’m not talking about all of the eating going on in the house. We learned that Luke has “a hot body” (WHAT?!) and that Heather doesn’t read my blog. We learned that three desperate women will slather a fat guy in sun tan lotion just to appear spontaneous. We learned that insecurity has a tendency to hide closely beneath the surface and pop out like a stripper out of a cake at a moment’s notice. We discovered that “fantastical” and “romantical” are actual words. We learned that Luke still has zero personality and we confirmed that Fox still has no shame. Let’s begin.
Of course, we begin with a scene of the women eating. I love it how this show has repeatedly been marketed as featuring “normal” American women. I know a lot of “normal” women. None of them eat 4 waffles with whipped cream and a gallon of syrup in the morning, which is exactly what Kristian was cramming down her face when the cameras began rolling. After the third waffle, Kristian becomes excited because Luke left a note and also because of her rapidly spiking blood sugar. She and Mandy get to go on a date with Luke. “It takes two to tango,” says the card and Kristian can’t wait to rub the date into the other girls’ faces like the syrup covered waffle she just rubbed into hers. Off they go in the limo with Luke to the cleverly named “Mari Juana’s” restaurant for some margaritas and dancing at 9 in the morning. In the meantime, the rest of the girls make Luke a cute card and . . . you guessed it . . . a snack. “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,” is their mantra. If that’s the case, Luke’s been in love for a long time.
Now before I get to the left turn to Crazytown that the girls took this week, let’s just break something down. I’m not a nutritionist, but I did a little research into what I saw Kristian eat on last night’s show. On camera she ate: 4 Waffles covered in whipped cream and drowned in syrup, 1 glass of O.J., 2 margaritas, 3 glasses of white wine, and various finger foods.
4 waffles 352 calories
1 c. syrup 735 calories
1 c. whipped cream 154 calories
1 c. O.J. 110 calories
2 margaritas 180 calories
3 glasses wine 252 calories
TOTAL 1,793 calories
Congratulations, Kristian. In 10 minutes you succeeded in eating just 7 calories shy of the FDA recommended daily allowance of calories for a woman your height. Look, I’m not judging. My point is that these women have been crying unmercifully for weeks now about being overweight and how it’s ruined their hope at happiness. Well, to be fair, Kristian has actually owned the weight and her appearance and cried about everything else, but you see my point. Better choices might not hurt.
When they arrive at the restaurant Mandy already has a strained look of desperation on her face. I found that a bit sad considering she’s one of the more attractive women in the house and—up until this episode—appeared level-headed. So much for appearances. Get out your ticket and pack your bags, we’re about to take a trip to the corner of Crazy Street and Desperation Drive.
We quickly get a voice over of Mandy going on about how Luke is clearly into the other women and how her feelings are getting in the way of her heart and blah, blah, blah . . . After some salsa lessons from a hot female dance instructor (at least this show is consistent) and her incredibly gay Spanish partner, Luke shows off his dipping and spinning skills with the ladies. Kristian was about as effective at dancing as she is at dieting or keeping her mouth shut. She mused that her rear end looked like “two pigs fighting under a blanket.” Yes, it did: two really big pigs fighting under a blanket. Mandy was actually really light on her feet. She looked really good in her dress as well. Apparently, that was never relayed to Mandy. Cut to Luke grinding (yes, grinding) on Kristian and kissing her when Mandy walks in the room and BAM! Mandy goes nuts and locks herself in the women’s restroom. Oh boy. In an incredibly classless move, Kristian sits comfortably sipping her margarita while Luke knocks on the restroom door, “Mandy, are you ok?” Prince Charming he is not.
Incidentally, has anyone noticed that Luke sounds a lot like Frosty the freaking Snowman? Remember when the little girl puts the hat on his head and he comes to life by saying, “Happy Birthday!”? That’s how Luke talks. He’s also about as repetitive as Frosty, but with less charisma. Come to think of it, he’s built like him too. I’ll look for a top hat next week.
Mandy eventually emerges from the bathroom and she and Luke talk it out under the watchful eye of Kristian who through a 9am margarita buzz refers to him as “her man” and admits to us all that she is in love with him. Oh boy.
When they arrive back at the house the other girls are dripping with curiosity like syrup from a stack of waffles. Apparently, Fox put something in the donuts this week because all of them—with the exception of Malissa and her giant boobs—are starting to feel a burning insecurity like Ben Gay in a jockstrap. Mandy recounts her breakdown and all of the girls begin to share their uncontrollable feelings of insecurity and paranoia. Kristian begins digging her own grave by announcing to the other girls that she loves Luke. Heather hears this and starts crying because she hasn’t told Luke she loves him yet and what if that means he sends her home and she thought that they had a good thing and now she just doesn’t know and. . .WHOA! She turned into a rambling, sniffling pile of what she used to be. Tali (I believe her last name is Whacker), the Ice Queen of the bunch, is worried because she hasn’t had enough one on one time with Luke but cautions Kristian about blabbing so much. The plus-sized model Anna is upset because she’s insecure and paranoid too. It’s too bad Luke is not a licensed counselor. It would have served him well. Don’t these broads read my blog! Come on!
Luke’s frustration with all of the drama was readily apparent in his expression and in the way that he repeatedly rubbed his forehead and sighed after constantly reassuring all of them. It was either frustration or he could have been melting. Nonetheless, the show must go on and we quickly learn that Malissa and her giant boobs are going on a helicopter ride with Luke. They take off and begin the usual “it’s so beautiful, amazing, incredible” banter when they arrive at a vineyard and are treated to—you guessed it—a meal. Malissa acts confident and normal (as do her giant boobs) and after finishing their snack they are presented with a tandem bicycle. What? Luke and Malissa make it on to the bicycle and proceed downhill for what seems like an eternity. When they begin uphill, Luke actually throws out a Lance Armstrong reference and stands to pedal. I live in Austin along with Lance Armstrong and I swear I could hear him laughing. Lo and behold, the bike breaks. Yes, it breaks. Not only did it break, he cracked the entire sprocket away from the pedal. I’m not a physicist but that has to require a shitload of force. Classic.
After the date, Malissa announces that she too is in love with Luke (her giant boobs remain silent but I believe it’s safe to assume that they are on board too). Mandy gets some testimonial time to put her sadness on display that she does not yet love Luke because it’s too soon to tell. Ironically, she’s upset at being the most normal, well-adjusted woman in the house. Who falls in love in that setting? Please, save the Molly and Jason or Jillian and Ed comments. Talk to me about both of those relationships in six months. Yes, I know Ryan and Trista worked out. Save it.
The group date is yet another day at the “beach.” Apparently, “beach” in More to Love terms means “the marina where Heather puked in the water, we had our yacht date, and Danielle elicited the “man, I love being on the water” comment. The show is filmed in Southern California and they couldn’t find a beach. Please. Maybe they were afraid Greenpeace would show up and try to push Luke back in the water.
Tali (Whacker) is upset because it’s another bathing suit date. Heather needs desperately to talk to Luke in an effort to fumble the ball on the 5 yard line (READ MY LAST BLOG, HEATHER!), and Anna keeps drinking (perhaps the most rational choice in this environment). There is an awkward staged conversation between the 4 of them with their backs to the water. Luke is upset because the girls are still relying on him to “lead the conversation.” In classic Luke fashion he pulls off his shirt and announces that he needs suntan lotion and that the girls should rub it on him. I’d rather watch Kristian eat a pile of pancakes. As Forrest Gump once said, “that’s all I have to say about that.” Luke spends alone time with a drunken Anna who agrees that she’s not ready to get married and then he's scared off by Heather’s rampant paranoia and insecurity (READ MY LAST BLOG, HEATHER! YOU HAD IT IN THE BAG!) Tali is sufficiently uninteresting and the date is uneventful.
At the end of the evening cocktail hour the tension is thicker than syrup on a stack of waffles. Kristian professes her love while analyzing the body language of each desperate potential future Mrs. Connoly as they take turns pleading their cases to Luke. He looks annoyed. Frankly, it wasn’t a very romantical or fantastical evening. It was quite pathetical. At ring ceremony emotions run high. I was certain Kristian was gone but shocked when Heather got the boot. Kristian displayed her uncanny ability to emotionally break down. Luke comforted her in perhaps his most sincere moment all season but couldn’t wait to get rid of her. Hopefully, she signed a restraining order on the way out the door. Heather lost with class and still looked pretty. She concentrated on the positive and went out looking like the winner she should have been (if she’d only read my last blog). The remaining girls breathed a collective sigh of relief and everyone had a jiggly group hug. This episode should be a lesson to women of all shapes and sizes. Crazy trumps just about everything you can dream up. Stay tuned . . .