Sunday, August 2, 2009

Move over Jillian and welcome The Fatchelor.

More to Love is an evil show. For those of you who are on a Bachelor/Bachelorette withdrawal, this show, along with a few glasses of booze on Monday nights between 7pm-9pm should bridge the gap.

The premise? It’s the Bachelor meets The Biggest Loser if you take out all of the working out, weight loss, self-esteem creating, healthy habit building, and gay people yelling at the fatties on the treadmill. The Biggest Loser is one of my favorite reality shows for all of the reasons I just mentioned. It’s fat people taking ownership and actually accomplishing something. I dig it. More to Love, however, might be the biggest exploitation of fat women since Flemish art.

We begin with the “lucky” guy set to steal (more like be begged to take) a “plus sized” woman’s heart. His name is Luke Connolly, however, I will now refer to him as the “Fatchelor” (you heard it here first). He’s 6’3”, 330 pounds of all man. He works (big shock) as real estate developer in California. What is it with real estate developers and reality shows? Wasn’t Kiptyn a real estate developer too? Reid was in real estate come to think of it. I’m in the wrong business. I actually have a job where I actually work every day. Sign me up for Real Estate Developer Training School. I need a vacation.

At any rate, we are subjected to the usual beginning montage of the Fatchelor playing golf, closing deals, walking on the beach alone (Bachelor’s run, but that’s not an option for this guy), etc. There’s a lot of talk about fat people and some creepy references from The Fatchelor about his penchant for pretty porcine ladies. However, there is no mention of this guy being lonely or looking for love. Frankly, he gives off an odd vibe. More about that later.

On a side note, I think it’s worth distinguishing between “fat” and “large”. “Fat”—to me anyway—means someone is overweight because they eat too much, don’t exercise, and don’t take care of themselves. There is a big difference between that and “large”. Some women (like the woman who was 6’3” and 277 lbs.) are genetically big people. I find Fox’s attempt to lump (no pun intended) both kinds of women into the same category a bit troublesome. Gabby Reese, the famous volleyball player, model, and tv host, is 6’3” 173 lbs. She’s a lot different than the 5’5” 190 pounder on this show that cried all of the time. I’m just sayin’. Back to the show.

Next, we meet the ladies. Oh my. Look, I’m all for large people finding true love and I’m all for embracing people for their inner beauty and all that, but what ensued when those limos pulled up was horrifying. Some of the women were actually pleasant looking but all of them were big and all of them were covered in the thick, creamy gravy of desperation. As if there was any doubt about that, each woman actually told a sob story about never being kissed, never being asked on a date, teased as a kid, etc. It was hard to watch, but I got over it.
Despite the swanky setting (some mansion in California) and all of the talk about love coming in all shapes and sizes, Fox went out of its way to make sure we know that these women are fat. In their one-on-one interviews as well as any time they pop up on screen their name, height, and weight are conspicuously displayed just in case we forgot what a large woman looks like after watching the Bachelorette for 9 weeks. One woman was 5’11” and 280 pounds. That’s linebacker size. The Fatchelor seems enthralled. He can’t wait to mingle.

The cocktail party. Frankly, this is my favorite part of these shows. Everyone is stressed out and anxious to start “finding love” or “seeing if there’s a connection” or “starting the journey” or whatever. The best idea in the world is to dress them up and open the bar. That’s a great idea here since I’m sure that none of these women have self esteem or food issues. I half expected a binge drinking orgy the way that the women were carrying on about the Fatchelor.
What’s the hook, you ask? Is it a rose? How are these women supposed to know if they are invited to stay? The Fatchelor breaks out a big black box filled with diamond rings. Now we’re talking. As the women ogle the rings like giant buffet hams at the Sizzler, Luke explains that he will give every woman a ring. However, (insert dropped jaw and surprised looks here) at the end of the evening, each woman will put her ring into a bowl and then only the women invited back will be reissued a ring. Wow. Turn the dagger, Fox. Turn the dagger. Give back a diamond ring from a guy you view as your only chance for ever finding a man and then give an interview shortly after being kicked off the show that displays your height and weight on the bottom of the screen. Man, I’d like to read the release they had to sign to get on the show. I hope for Fox’s sake, its as airtight as the Spanks all of those women undoubtedly had on underneath those evening gowns.

The remainder of the show was the Fatchelor going from woman to woman and talking them into kissing him. Weak. Most of the women ate it up, though. One got really drunk, one jumped in the pool with her dress on, a few of them cried every 5 minutes, and all of them fawned over the Fatchelor.

We’ll see how the rest of the season pans out. For now, I’m saving my good material. My prediction is that the Fatchelor will find true love with the plus-sized “Cabaret Entertainer” (read “Stripper”). He might be open minded, but he’s not an idiot.

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