Thursday, July 30, 2009

UFC is Not that Great

Alright, I know that I promised--as if anyone was looking forward to it—to write about More to Love today. Honestly, I saw it last night and I’m still soaking it all in. It may take another episode before I can grasp the enormity (no, that’s not a fat joke) of the show and blog about it effectively. However, I’m compelled to write about something else today that I find even more confusing than the success of a pitch meeting at Fox wherein it was suggested that 20 women over 250 pounds be put on national display and humiliated one by one until one was left standing. I want to discuss the Holy Grail of macho men everywhere: The UFC.

If you have no idea what the UFC is consider yourself lucky. However, if you’ve watched any television, seen a freeway billboard, ordered a pay-per-view sporting event, or dated a bouncer, you are painfully aware that the Ultimate Fighting Championship exists. I realize by posting my attack online I’m opening myself up to potential headlocks, grappling holds, some move called the purple hooter, or a challenge in the office cafeteria; however, I’m willing to take that risk. . .for now anyway.

Let’s get to it. The UFC is, in a word, gay. That’s right. I said it. It’s gay. If you’ve ever watched the advertising, pre-fight hype, an actual event, or looked at any of the merchandise you know exactly what I’m talking about. Basically, a UFC event consists of a bunch of super-excited, half-drunk, adrenaline-filled, men between the ages of 21-40 crammed tightly into a smoky, dark venue bouncing up and down while yelling and screaming at two sweaty guys wrestling around in their underwear. Take out the ring and throw on some Duran Duran and, voila!, it’s a gay bar. It’s like watching the Village People on steroids. Come to think of it, many of the contestants look like some of the Village People on steroids.

Some of the women reading this are probably giggling knowingly saying, “oh, my boyfriend/husband/favorite bouncer watches that and it’s true, hee hee hee.” The women who actually watch UFC are dating a bouncer. The men reading this fall into two categories: 1.) those who know I’m right, and 2.) those who want to fight me. Let me clarify my points.

1.) I am not unappreciative of the physical skill and tremendous mental ability it takes to compete in that sport. However, I view the UFC fighters much like I view Dave Matthews, for instance. I appreciate that he’s talented, but his work sucks and I don’t care for it.

2.) I know Tito Ortiz or Kimbo Slice or whatever amped up manic happens to be holding the belt right now can beat me up. I’ll concede that. I don’t want to fight any of them. I’m 37. I don’t fight people for a living. The “he could beat your ass” argument rings hollow. The sport is still homoerotic.

3.) I’m not confused about my own sexuality and I don’t hate gay people. I just don’t like the UFC.

I do have to hand it to the person who invented it, though. Actually, isn’t it always the most simple idea that work? The Snuggie, for instance, is nothing more than a blanket with sleeves. Genius. Remember Topsy Tail? How about that butterfly thing women were supposed to put in their underwear to prevent the unsightly camel toe? Again, genius. I put the UFC in this category. Two alpha males in a steel cage beating the hell out of each other while several thousand men who paid $100 a ticket and $7 bucks a beer stand by and watch. Good for the guy who was smart enough to market it. It’s just not for me. Then again, I’m not renting Beaches anytime soon either. . .


  1. Yo,
    I'm totallly disagree with you AND I don't want to beat you up. It sounds like 1)you're resentful of its popularity as opposed to the cheesy waste your time and your brain Bachelor crap and 2) your show selection portrays a man in so much agony about his lack of real success in life (with relationships) that you have to engage in shows that make you feel better about yourself (fat people being humiliated, men and women trying to find love in a 6 week reality television show). Of course you hate the UFC. Whether you'll admit it or not you don't like the sport because they make you feel worse about yourself, as the most elite warriors on the planet. A man shows his character in nothing more clearly than what he finds laughable. I'm sure a pyschologist could help you find out why it is you can't stand men in combat sports, but you wouldn't listen to him anyway.

    have a nice day

  2. acdoyler, open a dictionary and look up "satire." I'll look into that psychologist suggestion as well. DP