Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Bachelorette is finally over

As a person who is realistic (ironically) enough to realize that reality television is addictive, I have to confess that I purposely allowed myself to get sucked into The Bachelorette this season. I don't apologize for it and just like Clay Aiken on the cover of his ghostwritten autobiography, I own it. However, it's difficult to impart how relieved I am that this season is finally over. Ed "won" Jillian's heart and now the poor bastard will have to listen to that annoying Canadian accent for the rest of his life . . . well, at least in theory. My thoughts are below.

First of all, I want to say that I’m happy for Ed. I’m happy for Ed not because he “won” but because of how he clawed his way over seemingly insurmountable obstacles. He overcame (no pun intended) male performance issues—although, who can blame him? After two hours of looking at Jillian’s giant nose and doughy face, I probably won’t be able to function for at least a week—a ball-busting boss, multiple cock-block attempts, Kiptyn’s 6 pack, Reid’s whatever she saw in him and his pathetic attempt to undermine the final rose ceremony, and his poor wardrobe selections. Not many average looking, low key Midwestern men would a.) be in the position to enter the storied Fantasy Suite or; b.) rally weeks later after crashing and burning like the Challenger on January 28th to get another shot at it and then miraculously win the entire bundle of sticks.

Before the lambasting begins, I will say that Ed played a masterful game of poker (again, no pun intended) considering the hand he had. He went to the “I love you” card early and often when Reid and Kiptyn were busy with “I guesses,” “Sure, maybes,” and “I could see myself falling for yous”. Ed was bold and decisive. He asked the dad for her hand in marriage. He answered the kid questions from Jillian’s mumu-clad, dyed-haired mother with skill of a seasoned veteran. He sucked up to her grandmother and refused over and over again to backpedal on his poor choice of swimsuit. He went shirtless when he shouldn’t have and, damnit, I have to say he won me over. Bravo, Ed. It’s too bad your prize is Jillian.

I have to admit that I was a bit off base with my prediction that Jillian would cave into Reid’s surprise proposal. However, when I watched the entire thing unfold, I actually had contempt for Reid. First of all, what in the world was he wearing? He looked like he either worked on a cruise ship or forgot to pack his dress shoes. At first, I expected him to break out a mop and swab the deck rather than propose. And for God’s sake, tuck your freaking shirt in. That assumes, of course, that it was his shirt. It was about 4 sizes too big. In retrospect, he might have borrowed it from Jillian’s mother. Second, what part of “I’m sorry Reid, you did not get a rose, please take a moment to say your goodbyes” did he not understand a week earlier? The love of his life was off in Hawaii banging two of his buddies all week and he still wanted to come back and marry her on the show where she was filmed banging the two guys for a week? To each his own, I guess. I did have a moment of sympathy for him, however, when he pulled up to throw the ultimate cock block in a cab. Couldn’t Harrison do him a solid and just send a freaking limo to the airport? Really.

As for Reid having to “pull strings” to get back to see Jillian, I’m not buying it. Ed and Jake both got to come back. The least the producers could do was give the guy a chance. What really got me about Reid, though, was the big moment of clarity where he professed his love and tacitly admitted that he was, in fact, a pu*sy. Then he proceeded to stand there holding her hand and unable to leave for what seemed like at least an hour after she told him to F off. Dude, you lost twice. Get off the stage. You lost because you went on a 28 day game show where you knew you would be required to propose at the end of it if you won and you hemmed and hawed around the issue like Ted Kennedy at Chappaquidick right after Mary Jo Kopoekne was fished out of his car. You lost because you’re an indecisive, wishy washy, bore. Oh, did I mention that he’s short too? Even Wes was smart enough to hightail it to the limo and begin spraying profanity-laced bitterness at the cameras before getting some tail in Spain. He got a second free trip to Hawaii. He should have made it work.

Ok, on to Kitpyn. He proved himself to be the only person on earth who could make Reid look decisive up to the point where he clearly jumped off the cliff and went for it. Too bad he was a week late. His interview with Jillian’s mom was, to say the least, about as awkward as tennis shoes on a duck and the meeting with the dad didn’t go much better. The “I’m getting there” response to her dad’s “Do you love my daughter” question was classic. What an idiot. However, despite his lack of charisma and overall douche-iness Jillian’s HOT cousin (where the hell was she all season?) still did everything she could to steer Jillian into his well-developed arms. Ed is just “different” she said. I hope she slipped Kiptyn her number. On second thought, no I don’t. Oh, and Kiptyn trying to pretend that he’s a “work hard, play hard” kind of guy was about as convincing as David’s apology to Jillian on The Men Tell All show. The guy grew up in a giant house on the beach in San Diego. He’s never worked a day in his life. He surfs and does whatever his step dad asks him to do. That’s not work. Something tells me that Jillian did him a favor by cutting him loose. He’ll be fine.

The Ed and Jillian montage leading up to the alleged big bang killed me. The sexual innuendos were plentiful. There was nothing even remotely subtle about it. Jillian said Ed was “pumped up” to see her. He went to “great lengths” to impress her. The helicopter was “really hot”. They couldn’t wait to see a “volcano erupt”. Please. I’m just thrilled Ed was able to close the deal. However, it was pretty difficult to tell that he did by the way Jillian inhaled Kiptyn’s face the second she saw him. Actually, I’m not sure he actually did close the deal. I am glad that they at least gave the impression that he closed the deal. It’s good to see that someone on that show has a sense of fairness.

Finally, let me discuss Chris Harrison. When did that guy turn into Dr. Phil? Consoling people, coaching Jillian through her difficult decisions, comforting Reid; he was all over it. It’s nice to see the guy finally earning his paycheck.

All in all it was not the “most dramatic finale in Bachelorette history." However, I was entertained.


1 comment:

  1. this is so hysterical! love the part about reid's attire!! great job!! keep writing so we can all be entertained about these addictive shows...