Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Finally! After the Final Rose...

Bachelorette: After the Final Rose. Great, another hour I will never get back. At least this blog makes use of my hand eye coordination and forces me to think. Well, sort of…

The soft lighting, the subtle colors, the roses a plenty, Chris Harrison was in his element last night. Honestly, I kind of like the guy. His job is basically to host bookend shows at the beginning and end of each season and then just swoop in to each cocktail party to kill everyone’s buzz during the season. Frankly, my favorite part is when he comes in and announces that there is only one rose left and that whoever doesn’t get it will be leaving the show. No shit? I’m honestly envious that he gets paid to do that. Why can’t I get a gig like that?

After the initial lead in and the recap there were, well, more recaps and lead ins followed by a recap of the recap, a commercial, a lead in, and then a recap of the previous recaps and lead ins followed by a lead in, a commercial, and a quick recap. I found myself longing for the 3 hour American Idol montage before they announce how “America voted” and immediately close the show with the loser singing the song that got him kicked off in the first place. That makes no sense.

Back to the Bachelorette:

It was painful. I’m certain every person who took the time to either record the show or sit down and watch it was aware of the goings on over the past 24 hours. Of course, in reality television time, that’s about 3 weeks. That means that Reid has been crying in the shower every morning for 21 days straight and probably sees no reason to break that streak anytime soon. That means that Kiptyn has been sitting in his step dad’s hot tub every night at sunset drinking French wine from the cellar and contemplating his day of surfing for 19 days straight. (I allowed for a travel day and then a day to “catch up” at his fake job). It’s also 21 days since Jillian’s hot cousin left Hawaii. Ahh, the hot cousin…

For some reason, Melissa came back to show off her primped new look and tell us how happy she is. She looked good, but was still annoying. If you looked hard enough you could also sense the sheer hatred for Jason and Molly she harbors to this day. She’s like that Diego Montoya guy from The Princess Bride and Molly is like the six-fingered guy who killed his dad. Who can blame her really? She got kicked in the crotch last season harder than Reid did (twice) this season. All’s well that ends well, though. She was happy to report that she parlayed the dumping into a dancing and acting career AND got engaged to boot. Good for her. I mean it. However, I find it ironic that her old gold digger. . . err . . . boyfriend had to see her suck face in front of millions of people, including everyone in Dallas, and see her get punted like a pigskin on national tv to realize he loved her, but who am I to judge? We’re all thrilled she’s happy and we’re all (still) happy for Jason and Molly and we’re all still terrified for Ty. Incidentally, is this the sort of thing that can turn a kid into a serial killer? I’m just sayin’. Someone should look into that. Maybe Chris Harrison has Dr. Drew’s number. If ballroom dancing champions begin disappearing about 15 years from now in the vicinity of Seattle, we’ll all know whose door to bust down.

After Melissa, it was Kiptyn’s turn to watch himself be humiliated in Hawaii—Hmmm, Humiliated in Hawaii: the Kiptyn Locke Story. . . I think I’m on to his book title, but I digress. He acted hurt and seemed rehearsed. I believed him when he said he had no hard feelings (which was apparently Ed’s problem in the Fantasy Suite) because he’s shallow and rich and Jillian wasn’t up to his family’s standards anyway. I found it odd that no questions from the audience were allowed for him. God, please don’t let him be the next bachelor. I wonder how he “tested” with the studio audience? Was he better than Reid?

Then we finally got to the moment I was waiting for: Reid returns yet again. The guy is like psoriasis for God’s sake. His appearance was yet another testament to his maddening indecisiveness. Granted, his appearance was a contractual obligation, but we all know he wanted to be there to tell America he was indecisive so we would not think he couldn’t decide whether to show up. He was as Chandler Bingish as ever, except without the charm and personality. Frankly, I don’t know what women see in this guy. He’s a dial tone. . .an indecisive, non-committal, dial tone. Oh, and I don’t want to hear the, “but he flew all the way back to Hawaii and proposed so he wouldn’t be indecisive” argument. Bullshit. He’s incapable of making a firm decision and it cost him the relationship. Where I’m from, we would politely suggest that Reid grow a pair of testicles and pick a side of the fence; any side. Frankly, he should have hit the Men Tell All show and skipped this one. He looked even more pathetic than Jake in his pilot’s uniform coming to tattle on Wes. In the end, I’m sure Reid’s a nice guy. He just needs to decide to stay gone. God, please don’t let him be the next bachelor. I wonder how he “tested” with the studio audience? Was he better than Kiptyn?

I’m not even going to mention the Jillian and Ed appearance for fear of vomiting. The giggling like a school girl, flirty looks, and self-congratulatory heir were too much for me to handle; and that was just Ed. All in all, Ed was the big victor (if you consider marrying her a victory). He got what he wanted and he beat out a bunch of better looking, meatier, manlier men to win Jillian’s giggles and nasally Canadian accent for the rest of their lives. Well played, Ed. Well played. I wonder how he “tested” with the studio audience?


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