Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Bachelor Sean Episode 4: Do You Want to Taste the Torture?

Hello, Readers.  As always, welcome back to this week’s Bachelor rundown from yours truly.  With the Amazing Count at an unprecedented 59 and the Journey Count at a stagnant 7, we head into the jumbled mess that comprised Sean’s hunt for his potential fiancé and possible bride . . . eventually, one day, maybe.  That Amazing Count is like global warming for crying out loud.  It almost defies logic.


Like most of you (I’d imagine) I’m one step from abandoning this show.  I’m expecting Ted McGinley to sub in for Harrison in some tropical locale and oversee a shark jumping one–on-one date.  I haven’t been this disinterested in anything since the WNBA was founded.  Regardless, my commitments are my commitments and, like Amanda in a roller derby rink, I’ll gladly take one on the chin for you readers.  We all know how that worked out for Amanda this week.  Let’s get to it.     


Cue the Esteban guitar and Harrison’s “Last week on The Bachelor” voice over and we learn that we’re in for some rock climbing, roller derby, Rolls Royce, and, of course, a royal melt down from no one’s favorite prospective Fantasy Suite Finalist, Tierra.


Harrison wastes no time this week.  He leads off in his formal purple oxford which he effortlessly transforms into a piece of casual whimsy by leaving it untucked and keeping the cuffs unbuttoned.  Either that or he just rolled in late from some West Hollywood rave at Bieber’s mom’s house. 


There are 13 left, he tells us brandishing his naked ring finger.  He reminds us (for what it’s worth) that Sean is confident.  The remaining potential paramours anxiously await the Date Card in warm up pants and puffy wake up faces.  With the Date Card dropped, Harrison splits to meet Bieber’s mom for brunch.


Sean wakes up shirtless and in his boxer briefs, of course, and confirms what Harrison just told us.  He wants the girls to trust him and if he has to walk around shirtless in his underwear to drive home the point then, damnit, that’s what’s going to happen.  Sigh…


Lesley reads the Date Card.  Selma gets the date and Sarah simultaneously realizes that she’s about to have a lot of time on her hand.  “Let’s turn up the heat,” it reads.  Selma and her up do are visibly excited.  She goes straight from “I have to get ready for my first date with Sean” to “getting ready to have babies.”  The word “rational” didn’t scream to the front of my mind.  However, a big sip of Lone Star screamed to the back of my throat. 

Selma skips, everyone else broods.  Leslie cries again and drops some “right reasons” talk for good measure.  To be fair to her, the home sickness, lack of sleep, and abject boredom has to be getting to her at this point in the season. 


Sean shows up in pink knee length shorts and picks up Selma and her knee length bosom.   She’s hot.  Let’s just admit that.  We’d later be annoyed by various aspects of her personality but there’s no question she’s hot.  It was, however, impossible not to notice the sharp contrast between her mixed Middle Eastern coloring and features and Sean’s absence of pigment.  He looked like a light bulb next to her raven-colored mysteriousness and black yoga pants.


Obviously uncomfortable with the whole not knowing where she’s going aspect of the date Selma makes several attempts to trouble shoot.  She can’t dance, doesn’t have her 6 inch heels, (supposedly) weighs 110 pounds, and can’t stand the heat.    She tells us that she’s “trying to put 2 and 2 together.”  FOUR, I said, thankful that it wasn’t Daniella or Lindsay who was selected to complete an exercise in simple addition. 


The private jet lands at what looked like Area 52 and Selma is none too pleased.  Neither was I.  This “where are we going” segment was way too long.  Based on the canned pre-production shots I surmised they were at Joshua Tree State Park.  I looked for Bono and The Edge.   


Selma tells us that she’s from Iraq but hates the heat.  It’s a damn good thing Sean rented a yellow Jeep then.  She immediately starts to bitch about the desert.  They pull up to an empty state park.  What is he, a serial killer?  I half expected him to open the tailgate and pull out a shiny new shovel and some duct tape. 


Selma hates the heat again and is not thrilled about the rock climbing. She “hates” heights.  “It’s out of her comfort zone.”  Translation:  She’s high maintenance. Listening to her complain the first 3rd of the way up that stupid rock was a beating.  I have some male perspective on that, but I’ll wait a moment to dole it out.    For the most part she did a good job holding her tongue after her initial complaining.  That makes sense considering the fact that where she’s from a person can get it cut out for saying the wrong thing.


Here’s some free male advice.  If you love 6 inch heels, being treated like a princess, hate the heat, the outdoors, and the feeling of perspiration on your perfumed and powdered skin then tell a guy that UP FRONT.  The same goes for anything (or any act, for instance) that you will be unwilling to do (or perform, for instance) the second a wedding ring is placed upon your delicate finger.  In the real world, intentionally doing something to make a person act a certain way and then reneging after that person has acted to his detriment is called fraud.  The only rock Selma is likely to climb from here on out will be located in the Fantasy Suite.  I digress.       


I’ll give Selma credit for doing well on the “out of my comfort zone” date.  She rallied but her distaste was apparent to Some Guy’s laser-focused eye.  They have dinner in a trailer park and drink chardonnay out of stemless glasses on an outdoor futon. 


Despite the fact that she’s been walking around in skin tight clothes with her hooters on display for Sean and the entire crew in addition to wearing a gallon of make up and six inch heels around the mansion, Selma lets us know that she can’t kiss Sean.  You see, she grew up in a very conservative, strict home.  She is (or was?) a Muslim and she can’t kiss him.  Brutal. 


Unfortunately, that would be a deal breaker for me.  She’s old enough to make her own decisions and if her parents are going to dictate what she does on a dating show I can only imagine how real life would be.  If, in fact, her religious objection is real then she’d be better off finding someone with a shared belief system.  Marrying within one faith but different denominations is difficult enough for religious people.  Marrying between different faiths is a bigger challenge.  That might be a discussion they want to have before meeting with Neil Lane.   


She’s not exactly a “traditional” Muslim, however.  I’ve never seen six inch heels protruding from beneath a burka. Skin tight, revealing clothes, alcohol consumption, and being fondled in a trailer park by an infidel are ok, but a kiss is not?  You can’t spell “Hot Muslim” without S.L.U.T.  I’m not a Muslim but I’d think some of them might agree with me. 


Regardless of the apparent duality of Selma’s existence, she does seem like a decent person.  Religious belief is a very personal thing and it’s clear that she respects her parents and (presumably) her core beliefs.  The whole thing struck me as hokey, but I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.  Did I mention she’s hot?  She gets a rose.  She deserved it.    


Group Date Card. 


Daniella assumes the reading duties in her blue statement necklace.  That necklace, by the way, looks much better on me.  




I’m certain the date cared was spelled out phonetically.  “I’m looking for a woman who can roll with the punches,” it reads.  Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, Ashlee, Sarah, and Tierra get the much maligned Group Date. I was happy to see that Sarah was not left empty handed.   


Catherine, the resident Asian, is excited.  Tierra is predictably pissed.  Amanda was actually smiling this week.  It was comforting to know that she finally got her medication right.  The girls take to double fisting mimosas…well, all except Sarah.  Lindsay opines that they are probably going to get into giant hamster balls and roll down hill.  She’s so dumb.  Everyone knows hamsters have tiny balls.  Annnyyyhooo. . .


Sean, the first Bachelor to single handedly resurrect the fleece industry, meets the girls at yet another mystery location.   Sarah mentions having one arm (One and a HALF! I yelled) . . . again.  She can roll with the punches she tells us . . .one at a time anyway.  More about Sarah later.   


It’s roller derby time and I’m certain that I’m not the only person who realized that this was a horrible idea.  AshLee is terrified.  After all, it’s difficult to personally organize while avoiding elbows.  Tierra is excited and Amanda remains medicated.  So much for Tierra’s “neck injury.” 


Poor Sarah.  Look, I know we all want to see her treated equally, but man, this was a bit over the line.  Sean clearly felt like a dick and there was nothing he could do about it.  True to her character, AshLee comforts Sarah by helping her personally organize her elbow pads.  Sarah was understandably upset.  Good Lord, and I thought putting Emily in a race car or on a private jet was mean.  This was a new low, even for Fleiss. 


I was grateful to see Amanda smack her chin.  It took a lot of the focus off poor Sarah.  That’s not the first time she’s been hit in the jaw with something hard, I thought.  She tells us that she has a tough time opening her mouth before some dude who looked more like Dave Navarro than a person with medical knowledge sends her to hospital. 


I hope that injury heals before Fantasy dates, I thought.  After a terse conversation with the ABC Legal Department, Sean shuts down the game and calls a couple skate to Journey.  Ahh, Memories.  It's too bad there wasn't an 80's band named "Amazing."   


The girls ditch the dyke-wear for shorty short dresses and head to the cocktail party at (where else?) a rooftop bar.  AshLee and Jackie look great, as usual.  Tierra starts to melt down.  Sarah gets stolen away.  Sean tells her that he “respects her a lot.”  That means she’s headed home soon. 


Amanda shows up fresh from the ER dressed like a piñata.  She takes advantage of her opportunity to spend time with Sean.  Nice work. 


Tierra and Robyn start off.  Tierra tells us that she’s “fuss-trated.”  She’s dressed like Ann-Margret.  I was distracted by AshLee and her leather pants. 


Tierra storms out and talks to some producer while Sean is making out with Lindsay.  Tierra explodes into a Tourettes tantrum.  She’s being “tortured.” 


She makes her “I just can’t do it” speech to Sean.  Water boarding is “torture.”   Having one arm and being forced to put on roller derby gear and live with the prospect of having your only arm broken by an angry lesbian is “torture.”  Living free in a mansion and sunbathing for a month is not torture.  Frankly, I don’t know why Sean talked her off the ledge.  He should have pushed her off. 


Based upon his drama hating reaction to Kacie I was certain this was Tierra’s swan song.  Much to my shock, Sean grabs the coveted Date Rose and heads off to reward Tierra for her tantrum.  She’s likely to get along famously with Kensington and Smith.  Even Lindsay knows what’s going on.  He’s an idiot.  Must he reinforce that behavior? 


Ding Dong. 


Desiree gets the Date Card.  “Leslie H., Could this be forever? Sean.”  The card comes with some free diamond earrings.  The women gawk over them and Daniella craves alcohol. 


Leslie is “super duper” excited and obnoxiously giggly.  Sean shows up in “his” convertible Rolls Royce in a purple plaid shirt and a grey vest looking like a valet parker more than The Bachelor.  Leslie ignores the lack of a roof showing us her wide open mouth.  I was waiting for her to get a bug in her throat.  She looked like a freaking baleen whale feeding on plankton for God’s sake. 


Leslie gets the Pretty Woman shopping spree date.  Sigh… That movie was bad enough the first time around and now I’m forced to relive it?  At least she’ll have some prizes to take home, I thought as I watched her drop tons of annoying catch phrases like “holy moly,” “holy whatever, Batman” and “super duper.” 


Sean tuxes up and they go and see Neil Lane.  He looks like Paul Anka.  Neil loans her a a fancy statement necklace he lost in his annual Liquor in the Front and Poker in the Rear card game with Harrison. 


Send her home already, I begged.  He should have dumped her before she read him her entire autobiography.  Sean adds a sizeable insult to injury when he takes back the Neil Lane loaner before shoving her into a minivan.  Ben Taylor, whoever he is, was going to sing for them.  Boy, I’m sorry we missed that, I thought.   Unfortunately, he sings anyway.  Back at the mansion Daniella opines that Leslie gets to keep the diamonds.  Sean broods on a balcony but falls short of crying.  Ben Taylor sucks.  Leslie was a bit quirky but seemed nice enough.  She’ll find a dude eventually.    


On a side note, it does appear that Sean is sincere about planning for his future.  Normally, a man plans his future by buying a couple extra cases of beer at the grocery store, but Sean seems ready to settle down.  He’s not a very emotional Bachelor as far as crying on balconies goes, but he’s at least taking the “journey” seriously.  


Cocktail party. 


Sean shows up in his gray suit and gives a canned, preemptive speech about coming to him with questions.  Whatever.  “This is going to get harder and harder and harder,” he tells us.  I presumed he was referring to the selection process and not his phallus. 

AshLee gets one on one.  She accepts his compliments and a kiss and wisely avoids the Tierra controversy.  It’s always nice to see a girl who has reviewed the game tape prior to coming on the show.  As I’ve said before, I like her a lot but she’s not going to win. 


Robyn wants to grab his attention—and apparently appall all of us.  Do you want to taste the chocolate?  Which chocolate?  Please.  That was horrible and, unlike Selma’s profession of purity, it didn’t do a lot for the whole “diversity” theme this season.  I’m certain even she felt ridiculous. 


Lindsay, Daniella, and Desiree talk about Tierra.  Too bad there were only one and a half brains in that conversation.  Tierra talks to Amanda.  She’s such a pain in the ass and I’m sure she’s making it difficult for everyone behind the camera.  “Bitch, you have a rose. Sit tight,” I said.  Man, was I fuss-trated. 


Tierra pulls Jackie and Robyn aside and begins with what appeared to be an apology (albeit an insincere one) and then proceed to make it all about her. She’s not a nice person.  Jackie wisely holds her tongue.  She’s smart enough (unlike Robyn) to realize that it’s useless to discuss anything with a self-centered mess like Tierra.  Man, Jackie is pretty.  I wish she’d show some personality.  To be fair, that moment was not the time for it.   


As women in groups are prone to do, they rehash the entire conversation.  Daniella, bless her heart, observes that Tierra is “man-IP-you-LAY-tive.”  Combating Daniella’s tenuous grasp on the English language, Catherine, the resident Asian, drops a “Tierrable” to describe her.  Nice work.  Prediction:  Catherine will rally big in the next couple of weeks, make it to the Fantasy Suite, and likely win the whole thing.  She’s done a nice job of smiling furtively in the background to date but appears ready to make her move.  She strikes me as smart and capable.  Then again, she could be sent packing next week. 


Sean meets with Tierra who does some damage control proving that at least she’s smart enough to recognize that she’s a freaking tornado. 


Catherine wisely checks herself before she wrecks herself by not being too critical of Tierra in front of Sean.  She’s clearly learned a Kacie lesson.  She gives him a lipstick card from her thong.  Sean unknowingly tips his hand by seeking reassurance from Catherine that he is not in the “Friend Zone.”  Solid work, Catherine. 


They walk away from the patio so as to avoid the harsh gazes of the other broads.  She tries to crawl up his nose until he’s finally forced to give her yet another bad kiss.  Those shoes were ridiculous.   She looked like an Asian Minnie Mouse.  Regardless, it was a solid showing.  


Harrison shows up with his naked ring finger.  9 more roses left.  Sean hands them out.   


1.      Tierra

2.      Selma

3.      Catherine (Solid foundation for a Fantasy Suite run)

4.      Desiree (she’s tailed off but is still in Sean’s good graces)

5.      Lindsay (she’s dumb but must smell nice)

6.      Lesley (had a really bad make up week)

7.      Robyn (I guess he does want to taste the chocolate)

8.      AshLee (fading but making a respectable appearance)

9.      Sarah (literally living hand to mouth.  Her time is limited.  She did well though)

10.  Jackie (I’m rooting for her to rally but I don’t think it will happen)

11.  Daniella (last in line for a rose and the IQ contest)


Gone:  Leslie H., Amanda


Well, there it is.  Episode 4 is gone and we head into Episode 5 and 6 next week.  Lord, that may be my undoing but I’ll try and get both recaps up in time.  If you haven't noticed I added a "Search" bar to the blog in addition to my Twitter button.  I'll be officially Tweeting beginning next Monday but go ahead and follow me if you're apt to do that sort of thing.  Until next week, take care of yourselves.   Let me hear your thoughts in the comment section, please.  In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be throwing a tantrum until I get a rose.  DP

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Bachelor Sean Episode 3: I Spy AshLee's Hoo Ha

Hello, Readers.  Welcome back to the Episode 3 recap of our favorite least favorite show.  Sean is at it again and as the previews promised, we’re all set for some serious drama this week.  I've noticed that Harrison has shied away from "the most [insert provocative adjective] season ever" references so far this season.  I thought that might be an indicator that ABC ran some focus groups; however, considering that the Amazing Count is at a mind-numbing 43 and the Journey Count is at 7, I doubt that's the case.  With Inauguration Day out of the way, let's get to the important stuff.  

For a moment I actually hit "Pause" on my remote to confirm that I was, in fact, watching Episode 3 instead of one of the previous Episodes taking up valuable space on my DVR because I had to endure yet another segment of Sean pumping himself in his home gym in blue shorts.  He was, of course, shirtless.  Then I had to watch him shower again.  I've said before that I understand the need to make him appealing to the opposite sex (and various male readers in Miami) but fair is fair.  I'd like some reciprocity when the Bachelorette rolls around.  I'm just saying. 

Foreshadowing the upcoming volleyball contest, Sean tells us that he’s “digging a lot of women” this week and uses what has quietly yet undoubtedly become the annoying catch phrase of this season.  He’s “blown away” by several of the ladies.  One usually has to wait until Fantasy Suite Week for that to happen, I thought.  I took a pull off my Lone Star and settled in for the long haul. 

Captain Harrison shows up for the ceremonial reiteration of the week’s rules and the dropping of the Date Card.  In his pseudo-nautically themed French blue shirt he sounds the “all hands on deck.”  Sarah looked confused. 

The women assemble.  16 left, 3 dates, one group and two one on one dates are in store.  Use the time wisely (read:  have a few chardonnays and fawn desperately over Sean while abandoning any modicum of civility).  Harrison drops Date Card and departs with his naked ring finger before tweeting his impending arrival at a local Breastaurant.

Robyn, who heretofore has struck me as incredibly nice, tells us that she “wants to dis these bitches.”  “Lesley M. how long with this love last? Sean,” the card reads.  Lesley and her pink running shorts head upstairs to the Makeup Lair so she can get prep in order to “totally take our relationship to the next level.”  Sigh, even the bright ones need work, I thought.   She dons a pink short lacy thing that frankly looked great.  She’s an attractive girl and I think she’s more attractive because of her personality which is odd because the opposite is usually true on this show (see Michelle Money, Courtney, Brad Womack, and that unstable blogger chick from New York).   

Cut to the limo.  We assume the pick up was uneventful.   

They take a limo to Hollywood.  Incidentally, Hollywood is a dump.  If you’ve ever been there, you’ll have to agree that it’s filthy, run down, and overrated.  You know, like Wes Hayden.  At any rate, Sean and Lesley arrive at the Guinness Hall of World Records.  They must be going for the World’s Most Boring Date, I opined into my half full beer bottle.  I’m certain I’ll refer to that as a half empty beer bottle before this season is over.    

Despite being screwed out of a kickass date, Lesley plays along well.  Sean tells us that his dad drove the contiguous 48 states in 97 hours and some change and is a world record holder.  It became readily apparent that Lesley was chosen for this date because she’s he only one in the house who likely understands the word “contiguous.”  Can you imagine if Daniella or Lindsay had to process that?  Sean would need a thesaurus for dummies.  What’s another word for “thesaurus”?  Baffling, isn’t it?     

Fresh off his A.M. Bloody Mary at the West Hollywood Hooters Harrison appears (inexplicably) in a vest with a creepy bearded guy in tow.  Harrison looked like some reality show Liberace.  By the way, do you know why Liberace played the piano?  Because he really sucked on the organ.  You’re welcome.  I love that joke.  Back to Sean. 

Sigh . . . The Current record for longest on-screen kiss is 3 minutes and 15 seconds.  Harrison adds one second for the benefit of the dunces in the crowd and introduces some dude who can count to 3:16 in order to “verify” the results. 

I wonder what the record is for the World’s Longest On-screen Shirtless Workout.  Whatever it is I’m certain Sean has shattered that record.  I’ll spare you the pain that followed.  They broke the record.  Frankly, the World Record Verifier Guy should have given Sean a two for one:  World’s Worst Kisser seemed appropriate.   He should have given Harrison a shot at 3:17. 

By the way, it occurred to me that if Sean had invited Sarah on this date he could have set a record in a matter of seconds.  I’m certain that there’s no record on the books for the Longest On-Screen Kiss with a One Armed Woman.  Mean?  Perhaps.  True?  Damn right it is.  Annnnyyyyhoooo . . .

Lesley drops a “best day of my life” and they retire to the rooftop of the Roosevelt Hotel (also an overrated dump).  She’s smart enough to play the Family Card in front of Sean.  And Sean, proving that he is unequivocally a master of cliché, drops “it feels like I’ve known you forever” for the 100th time. 

He’s not very smooth, is he?  Arie Busterheiman would have been all over Lesley and her little pink number in the elevator to the rooftop.  Family Schmamily. Sean was so inept that Lesley eventually moved in for the big kiss.  He’s “blown away” again and because of that Lesley gets the rose.  She’s cool.  Nice work.  

Date Card. 

AshLee the Personal Organizer jumps up to assume the reader of the card duties.  She needs to organize her upper and lower case letters. 

“Kacie, Robyn, Leslie H., Kristy, Catherine, Desiree, Taryn, Amanda, Lindsay, Daniella, Jackie, Tierra, Who’s going to win my heart?”  Selma, Sarah, AshLee get no dated.  It’s just as well, I suppose.  Selma had a Penelope Cruz look alike contest to attend and AshLee had some organizing to do.  Sarah?  I suppose she went shopping at a Second Hand book store to look for some reading material to pass the time.  I believe she picked up a copy of Hemmingway’s Farewell to Arms. 

Beach date.  

I’ll give you the Cliff’s Notes version of this date.  We’ve seen it before and there’s no need to rehash it. 

Sean in turquoise tank top.  Kristy brings her model bandanna.  Everyone strips down to frolic on the beach.  Harrison shows up in pink with brown linen pants.  Beach volleyball game.  Winners stay, losers go away. 

Lindsay and Daniella compete for the Guinness World Record Dumbest Reality Show Contestant.  Red loses.  Blue wins.  Kristy cries.  They minivan it home and Leslie cries.  They bitch, and cry, and lament the difficulty of taking 30 days off of work to live in a free house with free booze and do free stuff.    

The big winners head to Sean’s place for cocktails.  Sean has some one on one with Lindsay and she like, like, like, like totally…oversells her feelings.  Her reward was another bad kiss from Sean.  It’s good he doesn’t discriminate.  Sean has a one on one with Desiree.  He over flatters her and bores me with clichés. 

Ding dong.  Date Card.  Tierra gets to read it but “jokes” about it being a double date with Selma.

“AshLee, Do you believe in magic?”   Sarah calls her out for adding Selma to the date card.  I know I make fun of Sarah, but this moment along with the fact that she was the first person to Tierra’s side when Tierra “fell” down the stairs sums her up.  She’s a genuinely decent person.  Kind people are consistently kind.  That can’t be faked.  Tierra, on the other hand, is a selfish C word.  

Amanda, the resident pouter, pulls out her smile for a one on one.  “You have a genuine heart,” Sean tells her.  Good Lord.  Is there a bigger platitude he could have thrown out?  Incredibly, she responds with one:  If they were married (that’s a tad premature, don’t you think?) Amanda would bring a “light, airy, fun atmosphere” to their marriage.  Right, because she’s been so light, airy, and fun so far.  Please.  What a beating.    

I was in awe at what happened next.  Desiree began to crack.  “Desiree, you’re in first place.  Don’t look over your shoulder.  Keep running toward the finish line,” I screamed at the television.  All she has to do is grip the football tightly and keep her eye on the goal line.  Distraction is a killer and it was clear that her judgment was clouded by the bane of every young woman’s existence:  emotion.  

I was even more in awe (although admittedly not surprised) to see Kacie commit the ultimate Bachelor error.  For some reason she saw fit to bring the conflict between Desiree and Amanda to Sean’s attention.   It’s a shame she doesn’t read this blog.  How many times have I addressed this?  Sean responded, albeit less aggressively than I would have, in the way I would have if I was in his V-neck.  “Then why are you telling me about it?”  “Why are you involving yourself?”  “Why focus any of your attention on it?”  A moment of sheer Bachelor perfection. 

Women take notes.  Men HATE this kind of drama.  All of us a.) don’t understand it at ALL, and b.) will do just about anything to avoid it.  Sean illustrated this by dropping a “Crazy Person” on Kacie.  EXACTLY.  She immediately realizes that her ill-conceived plan backfired and heads to her room to change out of that neoprene Body Glove “dress” she had on into some traveling home clothes.  What was up with that dress, by the way?  She looked like she was going body boarding. 

The Date Rose goes to Lindsay.  Frankly, that one baffled me.  She must smell REALLY nice because she’s about as smart as a bag of hammers.  Kacie melts down. 

Cut to AshLee glossing up over her well-organized make up stash.  She plans to tell Sean about her adoption, passion for personal organizing, love of lip gloss, and her anal retentive tendencies.  She looked freaking great in that dress.  For me, the jury is still out on her.  She seems a little stiff (then again so does Sean) but she’s very attractive and my guess is that she’ll relax as time goes on.  We got a hint of that on the date.  First, however, Tierra had (to pretend) to fall down the stairs and AshLee pretended to care. 

Again, I’ll consolidate.  Lindsay feels really bad (she’s SO dumb).  Sarah holds her hand (ironically).  Sean arrives in his pink v-neck.  911 is called.  Fake paramedics from the Extra Department arrive.  I swear one of them was Sven the Struggling Artist.  Tierra complains.  “This is so stupid.”  That’s the smartest thing she’s said since she arrived at the house.  She predictably refuses medical care.  Sean talks to her.  I’ll give credit where credit is due.  Congrats to Tierra for orchestrating the most creative c*ck block in Bachelor history. 

Finally, AshLee and Sean leave in his Bachelor Jeep.  Would it have killed him to give her a heads up about the lack of a roof on the car or suggest a more casual dress code in light of the trip?  She definitely needed a scrunchy thing.  After that trip, her hair didn’t look very personally organized. 

They arrive at Six Flags Magic Mountain where they meet Emily and Brianna from the Starlight or Starbright Foundation.  Man, first Tierra and now this, I thought.  The poor girl won’t get any alone time.   However, we find out that Emily and Brianna have a rare genetic disease and are meeting for the first time.  If any two women on this show have a right to complain about how “hard” it is to be on the Bachelor, it’s these two, I thought.  Oddly enough, I didn’t hear them bitching.    

They seem to have a great day and eventually end up on a boat thingy ride.  What I’m about to tell you has been confirmed via replay and via a phone call to my good friend Lincee Ray (www.ihategreenbeans.com).  We were graced with the very first Bachelor Beaver Shot.  If you look closely on the boat thing you could see AshLee’s unmentionables.  I’m certain there was an editor somewhere giving a camera guy a high five.  I just hope it was the fat guy in the leather hat who helped Roz pack her shit.  I’m sure AshLee will be horrified but it was good to know that her underwear was personally organized so as to match her short little dress.    

They get to enjoy the Eli Young Band.  Those guys are from Denton, Texas—home of Jake Pavelka’s gazebo.   They play around Austin a lot, too. AshLee seemed genuinely touched by the day.  I was bummed that she didn’t get more one on one but I was glad to see that the date wasn’t wasted on someone like Tierra.  Finally alone, AshLee Carpe Diems and drops her foster parent story which literally brings Sean to tears.  She gets the rose.  My take?  AshLee is a very nice person who deserves to be happy.  I just don’t think it will be with Sean.  Solid date, though. 

The date ends (much to my chagrin) with proof that we have yet another Bachelor (a Texan no less) who can’t freaking lead a lady around the dance floor.  Oh, the humanity. 

Cocktail party. 

Sean shows up in his suit and confirms that Tierra has made a miraculous recovery.  He shares some one on one with Sarah who looked very pretty in her pink dress.  She had it laundered and stored it in her ARM-oire before the party.  She sports the bang braid and he brings her dog Leo to the mansion.  I’ll give him credit.  Whoever though that up is a freaking genius.  Sarah will be around for a while.  Again, it was nice to see that gesture appreciated.  Like AshLee, Sarah deserves to be happy.    

All of the girls take to double-fisting drinks.  Well, all of them except Sarah.  Tierra gets stolen away.  Jackie stresses about it.  Desiree interrupts.  Tierra is pissed.  Anger issues.  Jockeying for position.  Tierra gets him again.  Lesley throws around her multi-colored statement necklace.  Sean recognizes that the women are behaving like a bunch of freaking Huns on the edge of the Roman Empire.  Jackie keeps her cool for the most part.  Perhaps it was the Topsy Tail.  Kacie teed up her own demise. 

Harrison ding, ding, dings.  Aaaaannnnd, scene.    

Sean gives us some more clichés before taking out the trash prior to giving the real roses out.   Kacie’s done and she knows it.  Sean threw hot sauce in her wound by using the Friend word and giving her the “I have way too much respect for you” speech (another cliché).  Ouch.  Sean returns and explains it to the ladies as they all do a poor job fighting back their smiles. That’s how the baton twirls, Kacie.  Sean commences the handing out of the roses. 

1.         Lesley (solid week)

2.         Lindsay (9 more lives)

3.         AshLee (she might be the Sleeper.  Did I mention that dress?)

4.         Tierra (she melts down next week)

5.         Leslie H. (meh…)

6.         Catherine (the resident Asian)

7.         Daniella (drunk and dull)

8.         Robyn (nice but she’s going home soon)

9.         Selma (she’ll get her turn very soon)

10.       Sarah (decent and kind.  She won’t last)

11.       Jackie (kept it together well this week)

12.       Amanda (I’m at a loss here)

13.       Desiree (needs to hit the ‘reset’ button)

OUT.  Kacie, Taryn, Kristy

Well, there is it.  Episode 3.  Next week promises to be a drama-filled mess.  Enjoy your week.  Until next time, take care of yourselves.  Let me hear your thoughts in the comment section this week.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be working out shirtless before showering.   DP

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Sean Episode 2: Give that Girl a Big Hand

Hello, Readers.  Welcome back to Week Two of Sean’s season with the Amazing Count at a blistering 29 and the Journey count at a stagnant 6.  For you fellow Blogger users out there my hope is that you, like me, are now able to use your blogs again.  That little glitch put a monkey wrench in my writing schedule and a few grey hairs on my head this week.  Whichever guy in a short sleeve shirt and a tie whose turn it was to watch the server this week obviously got distracted.  Let’s not beat around the bush then.  Let’s get to it. 

We begin as we always do, with a recap of everything that’s been previously recapped (Speaking of beating around the bush).  I wonder why ABC feels compelled to create 35 minutes of filler every week on this show rather than sending out an order for a mediocre sitcom to fill the space.  We’re reminded of last week’s season kickoff, Kacie’s abject desperation, Tierra’s impending metamorphosis from First Impression (depending upon which bitch you ask) Rose to Resident Drama Coordinator, and the fact that the competition for “Sean’s Heart” has “no rules.”  I felt like I was watching Caddyshack for the 500th time.  I could quote this show.  

Top all of that off with Sean working out with his top off and you’ll begin to understand my frustration.  The only thing more heavily run into the ground harder than Sean’s physique so far this season is Sarah’s lack of an arm.  We’ll HAND-le that later.  First, Harrison has to announce his presence, give his A.M. pep talk, and (of course) recap a bit before dropping the date card and heading to various local Farmer’s Markets in order to showcase his naked ring finger. 

As every woman in the room fights the urge to claw her way past the other women in order to rip open the date card, Kristy picks it up and reads it.  I’m certain her “model” training adequately prepared her for this moment.   I was also refreshed to learn she can actually read.  

“Sarah, are you ready to fall in love today?  Sean,” it reads and AshLee tells us that she’s “fully jealous.”  I thought she looked only “substantially jealous” but it was difficult to tell due to the fact that the camera made the first of what would be no less than a few dozen close ups on Sarah’s partial appendage.  Instead of being upset at her for drawing the coveted first one on one date I felt as if Sarah deserved some recognition from the other women.  They could have at least given her a hand. 

Annnyyyhooo. . . .

Understandably, she’s excited.  Then she talks (and talks and talks some more) about having one arm.  “Technically, she has one and a half arms,” I thought aloud, but I let her have her moment.  Look, for those of you who are angry with me for joking about this, at least let me explain myself.  First, she’s chosen to go on a reality show and showcase her unfortunate birth accident.  Second, she’s made it a point from get-go to do nothing but talk about her missing appendage.  Third, the Producers have defined her disability by choosing to focus on her lack of an arm literally every chance they get.  So much for “not being treated any differently than the others.”  For the record, I like Sarah.  She’s boring, yes, but attractive and definitely one of the nicer girls in the house.  Hands down.    

Sarah gets ready while Sean boards the Bachelor-copter and heads over to get her.  It must be nice to have a helicopter at your beck and call; especially in Los Angeles.  I think Sarah would agree that having a helicopter comes in rather Handy. 

I was so waiting for one of those catty, dateless, jealous Janes to slip and make the one arm joke.  Mark my words:  that day will come.  Sarah meets Sean for the big date and we hear more about her no arm.  Alright, I get it.  She’s “brave” for coming on the show.  Enough already.  It is now abundantly clear that Sarah was not chosen for the show in spite of having lost an arm; she was chosen because of it.    

Zooming in on the place where Sarah’s arm is supposed to be is tantamount to zooming in repeatedly on Ashley’s Fivehead, Vienna’s lazy eye, or Jake’s personality.  It struck me as a bit unfair.  

I’ll be brief about the rest of this because we’ve seen this exact date enough times to know exactly what was going to happen.  The only time I enjoyed the “out of the comfort zone scaling something tall” date is when Pavelka broke down crying on that giant bridge like a drunken sorority girl after being cheated on at the Sigma Chi No Means Yes Mixer during freshman rush.  Remember that?

Sean and Sarah successfully free fall and Sarah proves herself to be a cool date despite “Oh my gosh-ing” about 400 times.  She also cleaned up very nicely in her strappy black cocktail dress.  She tells Sean she wants to share a story with him.  I half expected him to say, “It’s not the one arm story, is it?”  Indeed it was—or a version of it.  Regardless, Sean seemed impressed.  She earns the rose. 

I have to hand it to her, she was the right person for that date; no if, hands, or buts.  She totally could have done that free fall thing with one arm tied behind her back.  Good for Sarah.  She should pat herself on the back.  Congrats on drawing the “Metaphor for Love” date and hitting it out of the park.  Then again, she really came armed with some good material. 

As Sarah is busy glad handing with Sean, the other women get the dreaded Group Date Card.  They anxiously sit around in their short shorts and we learn that Kristy, Amanda, Brooke, Leslie M., Daniella, Catherine, Robyn, Katie, Selma, Diana, Karen, Kacie, and Tierra are going to “capture the romance”.  Tierra tells us that she’s not there to make friends.  Whatever.   

Robyn straightens her hair.  Katie doesn’t.  They all knock back a few mimosas in the limo.   Talk about priming the pump.  They eventually arrive at a giant mansion that Selma calls a castle.  Sean appears in a purple sweater but magically switches from that to a plaid shirt a few times.  Nice editing.  Sigh. 

Daniella—who is quickly emerging as the resident dunce—tells us that she’s familiar with Harlequin Romance “novels.”  That's not surprising considering the fact that those make the Twilight books look like Anna Karenina.  At least her reading material is intellect-appropriate.    

It’s hair and makeup time before the big photo shoot.  Tierra drops “extensions” on several of the girls (that's apparently an insult) and simultaneously puts her ample hooters on display.  Those things are huge, by the way.  Are they fake?  Who cares?  As far as I’m concerned, if I can touch them, they’re real.  

Robyn hates her and Tierra drops “tacky ho” on Robyn.  Don Imus got fired for saying something similar and was decried as a racist for months before sort of apologizing and getting his job back.  For a show that’s been under the “racist” microscope lately I was surprised they let that comment escape the Editing Room floor.  That little dispute is nothing more than a vehicle for setting up the “right reasons” bullshit we’ve been hearing since Wes Hayden forever stained our television screens. 

The photo shoot starts in earnest. Giggles and hair flips abound as Lesley shows off her midriff and has some fun with Sean.  She seemed sincere and fun.  Sean seemed to notice too.

Kristy reminds us she’s a model.  It’s her element, apparently.  Give me a break.  Then there’s some kind of vampire thing.  Tierra informs us that she is the kind of girl who gets right to the point (read:  I put out early and often).  Kristy models until Tierra almost explodes.  Sean vnecks.  Eventually, Kristy wins the cover deal.  Congrats, Kristy.  All of the money your parents threw away on Glamour Shots finally paid off. 

Pool party.   

Kacie laments the fact that she’s still in the back seat.  I’ll bet Tierra has seen her share of back seats.  Lesley gets some one on one in a dark room.  She’s there “for love” and she and Sean are “hopeful.”  She’s actually got a personality and it showed there despite the awkward nature of the “he won’t kiss me” body language.

Daniella thinks Sean is “like so fun.”  Her giant turquoise earrings appeared smarter than she did.  Sean puts his hand on every girl’s knee and eventually awkwardly handles Kacie’s “get beyond the Friend Zone” line of forced questioning.  Hey Women, pay attention.  If a guy that you meet repeatedly at parties and social events never asks for your number and then chooses to go on a dating show where he’s likely to get engaged within 10 weeks without inviting you on that dating show then he’s probably not interested in anything BUT the “Friend Zone.”  Kacie will learn that the hard way, I suppose.   

Catherine, the resident Asian, puts the “graphic” in “graphic designer” by telling Sean (for some inexplicable reason) that she is vegan but she “loves the beef.” Selma is gorgeous and even though I’m admittedly partial to brunettes I believe she’s the best looking broad in the harem.  Speaking of harems (see what I did there?), we learn that Selma is from the Middle East.  She probably thinks Sarah was guilty of theft in her home country. 

Dude, that’s a solid joke.  Even those of you who mentally condemned me for my hand jokes earlier have to appreciate that one.  “Theft in her home country.”  Solid.  Annnyyyhooo . . . .

Tierra stuffs her face and pouts.  My guess is she was about 25 pounds heavier a few months before the show.  Katie pouts a bit too but she looked more tired than bitchy.  Either that or she’s upset about her hair.  Poor girl.  She’s hot too but her hair won’t allow her to relax.  She eventually bows out of the competition in favor of returning home and into obscurity declaring that the show is “not the right setting for her.”  Fair enough.  It’s always the ones with a good head on their shoulders who bow out, isn’t it?  I was sorry to see her go, but she was clearly miserable.  Hopefully, she lives somewhere with less humidity than L.A.    

Sean has a one on one with Tierra.  She tells him that she's hyper competitive.  No shit?  Sean reassures her that he wants a girl who is “sweet and genuine.”  She’s neither and he’ll figure that out if he hasn’t already.  She falls down the stairs next week too.  Perhaps Sean will wise up and leave her in the ER.  Perhaps he won’t.  For the record, it appears that Tierra may have a legitimate premises liability claim and a lot of potential defendants from which to seek redress.  I'm just sayin'. . .  

Kacie gets the sympathy date rose and the nasty stares that go with it.      

Ding dong. 

Time for Date Card number 3.  Jackie looks good without all of her makeup on and the purple tint of her hair color is almost unnoticeable.  Jackie tells us it’s her berfday but Sean apparently could not care less because Desiree gets the “Love is priceless” date.

I’ll gloss over the part where Sean plays the million dollar art accident prank on Desiree.  It’s fun to see a Bachelor who’s not a puppet for a change.  Sean still appears stiff at times, but he and Harrison had a great time and Desiree was a great sport.  She looked great in her black dress and handled the prank well.  The guy who played Sven the Tortured Foreign Artist probably updated his IMDB page with that credit on his lunch break at the Hollywood and Vine Starbucks that afternoon.   Good for "Sven."  Hopefully, his convincing yet sympathetic portrayal of the starving foreign artist will bring him more work as an extra.  Let's hope he's not hopelessly typecast.  At the very least, I hope it gets him laid.   Back to Sean.  

Desiree's big reward is a trip back to Sean’s place where the Bach staffers have prepared a dry Filet, steamed broccoli, and corn for Sean to pretend like he cooked.  Was Hollandaise sauce out of the question?  

Desiree scored major points with the “I’ve got great parents” talk and established herself as a front runner in her purple bikini.  She looked great and Sean could barely hide the level of comfort he felt with her.  She had a couple of real boobs and she’s got two hands too (showoff).  They share some love and marriage talk and Sean refers to her as “Des”.  We all know that early season nick names equal late season Fantasy Dates.  Recall “Ash” and “Em”.   Sean and “Des” tell us that they “feel” each other.   They should have just freed up the next 8 Monday nights of my life and got engaged right there.  Great date.  Des is cool and Sean digs her.  Nice work.       

Cocktail party time.

Proving she’s in an extremely close second in the lowest IQ in the House Contest, Lindsay, admits to being hammered night one and appeals to Sean’s sense of forgiveness.  She doesn’t know the meaning of the word “quit.”  Then again, she probably doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.  She’ll have to show him something besides her giggly dumb act or she’s headed home soon.  Apparently her father is a general.  I found that appropriate considering the fact that Lindsay seems generally unaware of her surroundings at all times.   

Sean tells us that Catherine, the resident Asian, has an “infectious personality.”  He’d better hope that’s the only infectious part of her. 

Some heavy pouting ensues before Daniella points out that “Tonight is like literally a tornado of negativity…waiting to happen.”  She’s, like a tornado of stupidity…that’s already happened.  Amanda drinks coffee and water in her puce dress with the Princess Leia hair shoulder pads while pouting profusely.    

Robyn tees up the “culturally diverse” card.  She’s not sure Sean likes black chicks.  Robyn brings it up to Sean, who “loves the question.”  As contrived as that was, Sean decides to take it a step further by telling Robyn that he doesn’t have a “type.”  Whatever.  We all have a type. He tells us he’s dated a bunch of ethnic chicks as Mike Fleiss put a check mark by the “mention minorities this season” box on his Bachelor Season To Do List.  I’d be willing to bet that there were a bunch of white girls in Uptown Dallas regurgitating their chardonnay as they watched that.  Nice job, ABC.  Kensington and Smith would be proud.

Daniella pounds wine with Catherine. 

Harrison eventually shows up in French blue without his wedding ring on.  He fights the urge to drop a “I’d hit that” on Sean.  You know, because he's single now and all, yo.  Decision time for Sean.   He drops multiple clichés and eventually multiple hammers. 

1.         Sarah
2.         Kacie
3.         Desiree
4.         AshLee
5.         Lindsay (nine lives)
6.         Robyn
7.         Jackie
8.         Lesley M.
9.         Selma
10.       Catherine
11.       Kristy (frosty lipstick)
12.       Leslie H.
13.       Tierra
14.       Taryn
15.       Daniella
16.       Amanda

Brooke (loses with class which is all you can hope for at this point of the season)
Diana (Her vacation from her kids ended early)
Katie (voluntary withdrawal)

Well, there it is.  The good news is that it's getting easier to manage this list.   The bad news is that I'm in trial for the next few weeks.  I'll manage.  Thanks for waiting.  Until next time, take care of yourselves.  In the meantime, I'll be hanging out with Harrison at the local art gallery faking a French accent.   DP