Hello, Readers. As always, welcome back to this week’s Bachelor rundown from yours truly. With the Amazing Count at an unprecedented 59 and the Journey Count at a stagnant 7, we head into the jumbled mess that comprised Sean’s hunt for his potential fiancé and possible bride . . . eventually, one day, maybe. That Amazing Count is like global warming for crying out loud. It almost defies logic.
Like most of you (I’d imagine) I’m one step from abandoning this show. I’m expecting Ted McGinley to sub in for
Harrison in some tropical locale and oversee a shark
jumping one–on-one date. I haven’t been
this disinterested in anything since the WNBA was founded. Regardless, my commitments are my commitments
and, like Amanda in a roller derby rink, I’ll gladly take one on the chin for
you readers. We all know how that worked
out for Amanda this week. Let’s get to
Cue the Esteban guitar and
Harrison’s “Last week
on The Bachelor” voice over and we learn that we’re in for some rock climbing,
roller derby, Rolls Royce, and, of course, a royal melt down from no one’s
favorite prospective Fantasy Suite Finalist, Tierra.
There are 13 left, he tells us brandishing his naked ring finger. He reminds us (for what it’s worth) that Sean is confident. The remaining potential paramours anxiously await the Date Card in warm up pants and puffy wake up faces. With the Date Card dropped,
Harrison splits to meet Bieber’s mom for brunch.
Sean wakes up shirtless and in his boxer briefs, of course, and confirms what
Harrison just told us.
He wants the girls to trust him and if he has to walk around shirtless in
his underwear to drive home the point then, damnit, that’s what’s going to
Lesley reads the Date Card.
gets the date and Sarah simultaneously
realizes that she’s about to have a lot of time on her hand. “Let’s turn up the heat,” it reads. Selma
and her up do are visibly excited. She
goes straight from “I have to get ready for my first date with Sean” to
“getting ready to have babies.” The word
“rational” didn’t scream to the front of my mind. However, a big sip of Lone Star screamed to
the back of my throat. Selma
Sean shows up in pink knee length shorts and picks up
and her knee length bosom. She’s hot.
Let’s just admit that. We’d later
be annoyed by various aspects of her personality but there’s no question she’s
hot. It was, however, impossible not to
notice the sharp contrast between her mixed Middle Eastern coloring and
features and Sean’s absence of pigment.
He looked like a light bulb next to her raven-colored mysteriousness and
black yoga pants. Selma
Obviously uncomfortable with the whole not knowing where she’s going aspect of the date
attempts to trouble shoot. She can’t
dance, doesn’t have her 6 inch heels, (supposedly) weighs 110 pounds, and can’t
stand the heat. She tells us that
she’s “trying to put 2 and 2 together.”
FOUR, I said, thankful that it wasn’t Daniella or Lindsay who was
selected to complete an exercise in simple addition. Selma
The private jet lands at what looked like Area 52 and
is none too pleased. Neither was I. This “where are we going” segment was way too
long. Based on the canned pre-production
shots I surmised they were at Joshua Tree State Park. I looked for Bono and The Edge. Selma
Here’s some free male advice. If you love 6 inch heels, being treated like a princess, hate the heat, the outdoors, and the feeling of perspiration on your perfumed and powdered skin then tell a guy that UP FRONT. The same goes for anything (or any act, for instance) that you will be unwilling to do (or perform, for instance) the second a wedding ring is placed upon your delicate finger. In the real world, intentionally doing something to make a person act a certain way and then reneging after that person has acted to his detriment is called fraud. The only rock
is likely to climb from here on out
will be located in the Fantasy Suite. I
credit for doing well on the “out of my comfort zone” date. She rallied but her distaste was apparent to
Some Guy’s laser-focused eye. They have
dinner in a trailer park and drink chardonnay out of stemless glasses on an
outdoor futon. Selma
Despite the fact that she’s been walking around in skin tight clothes with her hooters on display for Sean and the entire crew in addition to wearing a gallon of make up and six inch heels around the mansion, Selma lets us know that she can’t kiss Sean. You see, she grew up in a very conservative, strict home. She is (or was?) a Muslim and she can’t kiss him. Brutal.
Unfortunately, that would be a deal breaker for me. She’s old enough to make her own decisions and if her parents are going to dictate what she does on a dating show I can only imagine how real life would be. If, in fact, her religious objection is real then she’d be better off finding someone with a shared belief system. Marrying within one faith but different denominations is difficult enough for religious people. Marrying between different faiths is a bigger challenge. That might be a discussion they want to have before meeting with
She’s not exactly a “traditional” Muslim, however. I’ve never seen six inch heels protruding from beneath a burka. Skin tight, revealing clothes, alcohol consumption, and being fondled in a trailer park by an infidel are ok, but a kiss is not? You can’t spell “Hot Muslim” without S.L.U.T. I’m not a Muslim but I’d think some of them might agree with me.
Regardless of the apparent duality of
existence, she does seem like a decent person.
Religious belief is a very personal thing and it’s clear that she
respects her parents and (presumably) her core beliefs. The whole thing struck me as hokey, but I’ll
give her the benefit of the doubt. Did I
mention she’s hot? She gets a rose. She deserved it. Selma
Group Date Card.
Daniella assumes the reading duties in her blue statement necklace. That necklace, by the way, looks much better on me.
I’m certain the date cared was spelled out phonetically. “I’m looking for a woman who can roll with the punches,” it reads. Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, Ashlee, Sarah, and Tierra get the much maligned Group Date. I was happy to see that Sarah was not left empty handed.
Catherine, the resident Asian, is excited. Tierra is predictably pissed. Amanda was actually smiling this week. It was comforting to know that she finally got her medication right. The girls take to double fisting mimosas…well, all except Sarah. Lindsay opines that they are probably going to get into giant hamster balls and roll down hill. She’s so dumb. Everyone knows hamsters have tiny balls. Annnyyyhooo. . .
Sean, the first Bachelor to single handedly resurrect the fleece industry, meets the girls at yet another mystery location. Sarah mentions having one arm (One and a HALF! I yelled) . . . again. She can roll with the punches she tells us . . .one at a time anyway. More about Sarah later.
It’s roller derby time and I’m certain that I’m not the only person who realized that this was a horrible idea. AshLee is terrified. After all, it’s difficult to personally organize while avoiding elbows. Tierra is excited and Amanda remains medicated. So much for Tierra’s “neck injury.”
Poor Sarah. Look, I know we all want to see her treated equally, but man, this was a bit over the line. Sean clearly felt like a dick and there was nothing he could do about it. True to her character, AshLee comforts Sarah by helping her personally organize her elbow pads. Sarah was understandably upset. Good Lord, and I thought putting Emily in a race car or on a private jet was mean. This was a new low, even for Fleiss.
I was grateful to see Amanda smack her chin. It took a lot of the focus off poor Sarah. That’s not the first time she’s been hit in the jaw with something hard, I thought. She tells us that she has a tough time opening her mouth before some dude who looked more like Dave Navarro than a person with medical knowledge sends her to hospital.
I hope that injury heals before Fantasy dates, I thought. After a terse conversation with the ABC Legal Department, Sean shuts down the game and calls a couple skate to Journey. Ahh, Memories. It's too bad there wasn't an 80's band named "Amazing."
The girls ditch the dyke-wear for shorty short dresses and head to the cocktail party at (where else?) a rooftop bar. AshLee and Jackie look great, as usual. Tierra starts to melt down. Sarah gets stolen away. Sean tells her that he “respects her a lot.” That means she’s headed home soon.
Amanda shows up fresh from the ER dressed like a piñata. She takes advantage of her opportunity to spend time with Sean. Nice work.
Tierra and Robyn start off. Tierra tells us that she’s “fuss-trated.” She’s dressed like Ann-Margret. I was distracted by AshLee and her leather pants.
Tierra storms out and talks to some producer while Sean is making out with Lindsay. Tierra explodes into a Tourettes tantrum. She’s being “tortured.”
She makes her “I just can’t do it” speech to Sean. Water boarding is “torture.” Having one arm and being forced to put on roller derby gear and live with the prospect of having your only arm broken by an angry lesbian is “torture.” Living free in a mansion and sunbathing for a month is not torture. Frankly, I don’t know why Sean talked her off the ledge. He should have pushed her off.
Based upon his drama hating reaction to Kacie I was certain this was Tierra’s swan song. Much to my shock, Sean grabs the coveted Date Rose and heads off to reward Tierra for her tantrum. She’s likely to get along famously with Kensington and Smith. Even Lindsay knows what’s going on. He’s an idiot. Must he reinforce that behavior?
Desiree gets the Date Card. “Leslie H., Could this be forever? Sean.” The card comes with some free diamond earrings. The women gawk over them and Daniella craves alcohol.
Leslie is “super duper” excited and obnoxiously giggly. Sean shows up in “his” convertible Rolls Royce in a purple plaid shirt and a grey vest looking like a valet parker more than The Bachelor. Leslie ignores the lack of a roof showing us her wide open mouth. I was waiting for her to get a bug in her throat. She looked like a freaking baleen whale feeding on plankton for God’s sake.
Leslie gets the Pretty Woman shopping spree date. Sigh… That movie was bad enough the first time around and now I’m forced to relive it? At least she’ll have some prizes to take home, I thought as I watched her drop tons of annoying catch phrases like “holy moly,” “holy whatever, Batman” and “super duper.”
Sean tuxes up and they go and see
looks like Paul Anka. Neil loans her a a
fancy statement necklace he lost in his annual Liquor in the Front and Poker in
the Rear card game with Harrison.
Send her home already, I begged. He should have dumped her before she read him her entire autobiography. Sean adds a sizeable insult to injury when he takes back the
loaner before shoving her into a minivan.
Ben Taylor, whoever he is, was going to sing for them. Boy, I’m sorry we missed that, I
thought. Unfortunately, he sings
anyway. Back at the mansion Daniella
opines that Leslie gets to keep the diamonds.
Sean broods on a balcony but falls short of crying. Ben Taylor sucks. Leslie was a bit quirky but seemed nice
enough. She’ll find a dude
On a side note, it does appear that Sean is sincere about planning for his future. Normally, a man plans his future by buying a couple extra cases of beer at the grocery store, but Sean seems ready to settle down. He’s not a very emotional Bachelor as far as crying on balconies goes, but he’s at least taking the “journey” seriously.
Sean shows up in his gray suit and gives a canned, preemptive speech about coming to him with questions. Whatever. “This is going to get harder and harder and harder,” he tells us. I presumed he was referring to the selection process and not his phallus.
AshLee gets one on one. She accepts his compliments and a kiss and wisely avoids the Tierra controversy. It’s always nice to see a girl who has reviewed the game tape prior to coming on the show. As I’ve said before, I like her a lot but she’s not going to win.
Robyn wants to grab his attention—and apparently appall all of us. Do you want to taste the chocolate? Which chocolate? Please. That was horrible and, unlike
profession of purity, it didn’t do a lot for the whole “diversity” theme this
season. I’m certain even she felt
Lindsay, Daniella, and Desiree talk about Tierra. Too bad there were only one and a half brains in that conversation. Tierra talks to Amanda. She’s such a pain in the ass and I’m sure she’s making it difficult for everyone behind the camera. “Bitch, you have a rose. Sit tight,” I said. Man, was I fuss-trated.
Tierra pulls Jackie and Robyn aside and begins with what appeared to be an apology (albeit an insincere one) and then proceed to make it all about her. She’s not a nice person. Jackie wisely holds her tongue. She’s smart enough (unlike Robyn) to realize that it’s useless to discuss anything with a self-centered mess like Tierra. Man, Jackie is pretty. I wish she’d show some personality. To be fair, that moment was not the time for it.
As women in groups are prone to do, they rehash the entire conversation. Daniella, bless her heart, observes that Tierra is “man-IP-you-LAY-tive.” Combating Daniella’s tenuous grasp on the English language, Catherine, the resident Asian, drops a “Tierrable” to describe her. Nice work. Prediction: Catherine will rally big in the next couple of weeks, make it to the Fantasy Suite, and likely win the whole thing. She’s done a nice job of smiling furtively in the background to date but appears ready to make her move. She strikes me as smart and capable. Then again, she could be sent packing next week.
Sean meets with Tierra who does some damage control proving that at least she’s smart enough to recognize that she’s a freaking tornado.
Catherine wisely checks herself before she wrecks herself by not being too critical of Tierra in front of Sean. She’s clearly learned a Kacie lesson. She gives him a lipstick card from her thong. Sean unknowingly tips his hand by seeking reassurance from Catherine that he is not in the “Friend Zone.” Solid work, Catherine.
They walk away from the patio so as to avoid the harsh gazes of the other broads. She tries to crawl up his nose until he’s finally forced to give her yet another bad kiss. Those shoes were ridiculous. She looked like an Asian Minnie Mouse. Regardless, it was a solid showing.
3. Catherine (Solid foundation for a Fantasy Suite run)
4. Desiree (she’s tailed off but is still in Sean’s good graces)
5. Lindsay (she’s dumb but must smell nice)
6. Lesley (had a really bad make up week)
7. Robyn (I guess he does want to taste the chocolate)
8. AshLee (fading but making a respectable appearance)
9. Sarah (literally living hand to mouth. Her time is limited. She did well though)
10. Jackie (I’m rooting for her to rally but I don’t think it will happen)
11. Daniella (last in line for a rose and the IQ contest)
Gone: Leslie H., Amanda
Well, there it is. Episode 4 is gone and we head into Episode 5 and 6 next week. Lord, that may be my undoing but I’ll try and get both recaps up in time. If you haven't noticed I added a "Search" bar to the blog in addition to my Twitter button. I'll be officially Tweeting beginning next Monday but go ahead and follow me if you're apt to do that sort of thing. Until next week, take care of yourselves. Let me hear your thoughts in the comment section, please. In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be throwing a tantrum until I get a rose. DP