Thursday, January 17, 2013

Sean Episode 2: Give that Girl a Big Hand


Hello, Readers.  Welcome back to Week Two of Sean’s season with the Amazing Count at a blistering 29 and the Journey count at a stagnant 6.  For you fellow Blogger users out there my hope is that you, like me, are now able to use your blogs again.  That little glitch put a monkey wrench in my writing schedule and a few grey hairs on my head this week.  Whichever guy in a short sleeve shirt and a tie whose turn it was to watch the server this week obviously got distracted.  Let’s not beat around the bush then.  Let’s get to it. 

We begin as we always do, with a recap of everything that’s been previously recapped (Speaking of beating around the bush).  I wonder why ABC feels compelled to create 35 minutes of filler every week on this show rather than sending out an order for a mediocre sitcom to fill the space.  We’re reminded of last week’s season kickoff, Kacie’s abject desperation, Tierra’s impending metamorphosis from First Impression (depending upon which bitch you ask) Rose to Resident Drama Coordinator, and the fact that the competition for “Sean’s Heart” has “no rules.”  I felt like I was watching Caddyshack for the 500th time.  I could quote this show.  

Top all of that off with Sean working out with his top off and you’ll begin to understand my frustration.  The only thing more heavily run into the ground harder than Sean’s physique so far this season is Sarah’s lack of an arm.  We’ll HAND-le that later.  First, Harrison has to announce his presence, give his A.M. pep talk, and (of course) recap a bit before dropping the date card and heading to various local Farmer’s Markets in order to showcase his naked ring finger. 

As every woman in the room fights the urge to claw her way past the other women in order to rip open the date card, Kristy picks it up and reads it.  I’m certain her “model” training adequately prepared her for this moment.   I was also refreshed to learn she can actually read.  

“Sarah, are you ready to fall in love today?  Sean,” it reads and AshLee tells us that she’s “fully jealous.”  I thought she looked only “substantially jealous” but it was difficult to tell due to the fact that the camera made the first of what would be no less than a few dozen close ups on Sarah’s partial appendage.  Instead of being upset at her for drawing the coveted first one on one date I felt as if Sarah deserved some recognition from the other women.  They could have at least given her a hand. 

Annnyyyhooo. . . .

Understandably, she’s excited.  Then she talks (and talks and talks some more) about having one arm.  “Technically, she has one and a half arms,” I thought aloud, but I let her have her moment.  Look, for those of you who are angry with me for joking about this, at least let me explain myself.  First, she’s chosen to go on a reality show and showcase her unfortunate birth accident.  Second, she’s made it a point from get-go to do nothing but talk about her missing appendage.  Third, the Producers have defined her disability by choosing to focus on her lack of an arm literally every chance they get.  So much for “not being treated any differently than the others.”  For the record, I like Sarah.  She’s boring, yes, but attractive and definitely one of the nicer girls in the house.  Hands down.    

Sarah gets ready while Sean boards the Bachelor-copter and heads over to get her.  It must be nice to have a helicopter at your beck and call; especially in Los Angeles.  I think Sarah would agree that having a helicopter comes in rather Handy. 

I was so waiting for one of those catty, dateless, jealous Janes to slip and make the one arm joke.  Mark my words:  that day will come.  Sarah meets Sean for the big date and we hear more about her no arm.  Alright, I get it.  She’s “brave” for coming on the show.  Enough already.  It is now abundantly clear that Sarah was not chosen for the show in spite of having lost an arm; she was chosen because of it.    

Zooming in on the place where Sarah’s arm is supposed to be is tantamount to zooming in repeatedly on Ashley’s Fivehead, Vienna’s lazy eye, or Jake’s personality.  It struck me as a bit unfair.  

I’ll be brief about the rest of this because we’ve seen this exact date enough times to know exactly what was going to happen.  The only time I enjoyed the “out of the comfort zone scaling something tall” date is when Pavelka broke down crying on that giant bridge like a drunken sorority girl after being cheated on at the Sigma Chi No Means Yes Mixer during freshman rush.  Remember that?

Sean and Sarah successfully free fall and Sarah proves herself to be a cool date despite “Oh my gosh-ing” about 400 times.  She also cleaned up very nicely in her strappy black cocktail dress.  She tells Sean she wants to share a story with him.  I half expected him to say, “It’s not the one arm story, is it?”  Indeed it was—or a version of it.  Regardless, Sean seemed impressed.  She earns the rose. 

I have to hand it to her, she was the right person for that date; no if, hands, or buts.  She totally could have done that free fall thing with one arm tied behind her back.  Good for Sarah.  She should pat herself on the back.  Congrats on drawing the “Metaphor for Love” date and hitting it out of the park.  Then again, she really came armed with some good material. 

As Sarah is busy glad handing with Sean, the other women get the dreaded Group Date Card.  They anxiously sit around in their short shorts and we learn that Kristy, Amanda, Brooke, Leslie M., Daniella, Catherine, Robyn, Katie, Selma, Diana, Karen, Kacie, and Tierra are going to “capture the romance”.  Tierra tells us that she’s not there to make friends.  Whatever.   

Robyn straightens her hair.  Katie doesn’t.  They all knock back a few mimosas in the limo.   Talk about priming the pump.  They eventually arrive at a giant mansion that Selma calls a castle.  Sean appears in a purple sweater but magically switches from that to a plaid shirt a few times.  Nice editing.  Sigh. 

Daniella—who is quickly emerging as the resident dunce—tells us that she’s familiar with Harlequin Romance “novels.”  That's not surprising considering the fact that those make the Twilight books look like Anna Karenina.  At least her reading material is intellect-appropriate.    

It’s hair and makeup time before the big photo shoot.  Tierra drops “extensions” on several of the girls (that's apparently an insult) and simultaneously puts her ample hooters on display.  Those things are huge, by the way.  Are they fake?  Who cares?  As far as I’m concerned, if I can touch them, they’re real.  

Robyn hates her and Tierra drops “tacky ho” on Robyn.  Don Imus got fired for saying something similar and was decried as a racist for months before sort of apologizing and getting his job back.  For a show that’s been under the “racist” microscope lately I was surprised they let that comment escape the Editing Room floor.  That little dispute is nothing more than a vehicle for setting up the “right reasons” bullshit we’ve been hearing since Wes Hayden forever stained our television screens. 

The photo shoot starts in earnest. Giggles and hair flips abound as Lesley shows off her midriff and has some fun with Sean.  She seemed sincere and fun.  Sean seemed to notice too.

Kristy reminds us she’s a model.  It’s her element, apparently.  Give me a break.  Then there’s some kind of vampire thing.  Tierra informs us that she is the kind of girl who gets right to the point (read:  I put out early and often).  Kristy models until Tierra almost explodes.  Sean vnecks.  Eventually, Kristy wins the cover deal.  Congrats, Kristy.  All of the money your parents threw away on Glamour Shots finally paid off. 

Pool party.   

Kacie laments the fact that she’s still in the back seat.  I’ll bet Tierra has seen her share of back seats.  Lesley gets some one on one in a dark room.  She’s there “for love” and she and Sean are “hopeful.”  She’s actually got a personality and it showed there despite the awkward nature of the “he won’t kiss me” body language.

Daniella thinks Sean is “like so fun.”  Her giant turquoise earrings appeared smarter than she did.  Sean puts his hand on every girl’s knee and eventually awkwardly handles Kacie’s “get beyond the Friend Zone” line of forced questioning.  Hey Women, pay attention.  If a guy that you meet repeatedly at parties and social events never asks for your number and then chooses to go on a dating show where he’s likely to get engaged within 10 weeks without inviting you on that dating show then he’s probably not interested in anything BUT the “Friend Zone.”  Kacie will learn that the hard way, I suppose.   

Catherine, the resident Asian, puts the “graphic” in “graphic designer” by telling Sean (for some inexplicable reason) that she is vegan but she “loves the beef.” Selma is gorgeous and even though I’m admittedly partial to brunettes I believe she’s the best looking broad in the harem.  Speaking of harems (see what I did there?), we learn that Selma is from the Middle East.  She probably thinks Sarah was guilty of theft in her home country. 

Dude, that’s a solid joke.  Even those of you who mentally condemned me for my hand jokes earlier have to appreciate that one.  “Theft in her home country.”  Solid.  Annnyyyhooo . . . .

Tierra stuffs her face and pouts.  My guess is she was about 25 pounds heavier a few months before the show.  Katie pouts a bit too but she looked more tired than bitchy.  Either that or she’s upset about her hair.  Poor girl.  She’s hot too but her hair won’t allow her to relax.  She eventually bows out of the competition in favor of returning home and into obscurity declaring that the show is “not the right setting for her.”  Fair enough.  It’s always the ones with a good head on their shoulders who bow out, isn’t it?  I was sorry to see her go, but she was clearly miserable.  Hopefully, she lives somewhere with less humidity than L.A.    

Sean has a one on one with Tierra.  She tells him that she's hyper competitive.  No shit?  Sean reassures her that he wants a girl who is “sweet and genuine.”  She’s neither and he’ll figure that out if he hasn’t already.  She falls down the stairs next week too.  Perhaps Sean will wise up and leave her in the ER.  Perhaps he won’t.  For the record, it appears that Tierra may have a legitimate premises liability claim and a lot of potential defendants from which to seek redress.  I'm just sayin'. . .  

Kacie gets the sympathy date rose and the nasty stares that go with it.      

Ding dong. 

Time for Date Card number 3.  Jackie looks good without all of her makeup on and the purple tint of her hair color is almost unnoticeable.  Jackie tells us it’s her berfday but Sean apparently could not care less because Desiree gets the “Love is priceless” date.

I’ll gloss over the part where Sean plays the million dollar art accident prank on Desiree.  It’s fun to see a Bachelor who’s not a puppet for a change.  Sean still appears stiff at times, but he and Harrison had a great time and Desiree was a great sport.  She looked great in her black dress and handled the prank well.  The guy who played Sven the Tortured Foreign Artist probably updated his IMDB page with that credit on his lunch break at the Hollywood and Vine Starbucks that afternoon.   Good for "Sven."  Hopefully, his convincing yet sympathetic portrayal of the starving foreign artist will bring him more work as an extra.  Let's hope he's not hopelessly typecast.  At the very least, I hope it gets him laid.   Back to Sean.  

Desiree's big reward is a trip back to Sean’s place where the Bach staffers have prepared a dry Filet, steamed broccoli, and corn for Sean to pretend like he cooked.  Was Hollandaise sauce out of the question?  

Desiree scored major points with the “I’ve got great parents” talk and established herself as a front runner in her purple bikini.  She looked great and Sean could barely hide the level of comfort he felt with her.  She had a couple of real boobs and she’s got two hands too (showoff).  They share some love and marriage talk and Sean refers to her as “Des”.  We all know that early season nick names equal late season Fantasy Dates.  Recall “Ash” and “Em”.   Sean and “Des” tell us that they “feel” each other.   They should have just freed up the next 8 Monday nights of my life and got engaged right there.  Great date.  Des is cool and Sean digs her.  Nice work.       

Cocktail party time.

Proving she’s in an extremely close second in the lowest IQ in the House Contest, Lindsay, admits to being hammered night one and appeals to Sean’s sense of forgiveness.  She doesn’t know the meaning of the word “quit.”  Then again, she probably doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.  She’ll have to show him something besides her giggly dumb act or she’s headed home soon.  Apparently her father is a general.  I found that appropriate considering the fact that Lindsay seems generally unaware of her surroundings at all times.   

Sean tells us that Catherine, the resident Asian, has an “infectious personality.”  He’d better hope that’s the only infectious part of her. 

Some heavy pouting ensues before Daniella points out that “Tonight is like literally a tornado of negativity…waiting to happen.”  She’s, like a tornado of stupidity…that’s already happened.  Amanda drinks coffee and water in her puce dress with the Princess Leia hair shoulder pads while pouting profusely.    

Robyn tees up the “culturally diverse” card.  She’s not sure Sean likes black chicks.  Robyn brings it up to Sean, who “loves the question.”  As contrived as that was, Sean decides to take it a step further by telling Robyn that he doesn’t have a “type.”  Whatever.  We all have a type. He tells us he’s dated a bunch of ethnic chicks as Mike Fleiss put a check mark by the “mention minorities this season” box on his Bachelor Season To Do List.  I’d be willing to bet that there were a bunch of white girls in Uptown Dallas regurgitating their chardonnay as they watched that.  Nice job, ABC.  Kensington and Smith would be proud.

Daniella pounds wine with Catherine. 

Harrison eventually shows up in French blue without his wedding ring on.  He fights the urge to drop a “I’d hit that” on Sean.  You know, because he's single now and all, yo.  Decision time for Sean.   He drops multiple clichés and eventually multiple hammers. 

1.         Sarah
2.         Kacie
3.         Desiree
4.         AshLee
5.         Lindsay (nine lives)
6.         Robyn
7.         Jackie
8.         Lesley M.
9.         Selma
10.       Catherine
11.       Kristy (frosty lipstick)
12.       Leslie H.
13.       Tierra
14.       Taryn
15.       Daniella
16.       Amanda


Brooke (loses with class which is all you can hope for at this point of the season)
Diana (Her vacation from her kids ended early)
Katie (voluntary withdrawal)

Well, there it is.  The good news is that it's getting easier to manage this list.   The bad news is that I'm in trial for the next few weeks.  I'll manage.  Thanks for waiting.  Until next time, take care of yourselves.  In the meantime, I'll be hanging out with Harrison at the local art gallery faking a French accent.   DP





27 comments:

  1. DP, After last week's post, I knew you'd have a lot of jokes up your sleeve if Sarah received a date card. Kudos for a masterful (hand) job and thanks for so handsomely rewarding our patience. Your joke about Selma thinking Sarah was guilty of theft in her country was well worth the wait! I hope they both have a sense of humor... and that you don't end up going to "the Hades."

    Best of luck with your trial!

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  2. Thank you for appreciating my gutter humor, dp2. I agree about "the Hades" too; although I think it might actually be meaner to insult Daniella's IQ rather than Sarah's "situation." I knew the intellectual side of you would enjoy making the eye for an eye leap required to appreciate the Middle Eastern justice joke. Thanks for caring enough to comment. DP

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  3. Hey sweetie being married to a lawyer of the plaintiff persuasion I understand the pressure you are under good luck to you!
    Anita

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  4. Thanks Anita. It's probably just as stressful being a lawyer 's wife. DP

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  5. Bless you and your wit for this gem of a post! I had wine coming out my nose laughing so hard at the hand jokes (especially the one about theft in her home country). Your posts are always worth the wait!

    ~Genevieve

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  6. partial appendage is fair game. Love the jokes. These people voluntarily showcase their handicap-birth defects however you call it on a trashy dating show. I'm sure they have a sense of humor good enough to laugh with you. That image of Ashley's Fivehead and Sarah's arm together is terrifying though, seriously.

    Tammy

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  7. Oh and... finally a blog that gives Katie a little credit for leaving on her own. I hate it when peeps are thrilled if one suitor is not interested in the Bachelorette, while on the Bachelor when the girl decided to leave, other bloggers are excited because Sean "did not put up a fight nor care". The ironic thing is that kind of reaction I saw on twitter, blogs, comments is all from women.

    tammy

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  8. Annnnnd he's back! DP, you have been sorely missed and I can't even tell you how much I laughed reading this. I'm almost embarrased to tell you that I even laughed at all of the hand jokes. I even made the mistake of trying to read this out loud to the hubby while we were at dinner and I completely snorted out loud when I got to the "theif in her home country" bit and had the table next to us shooting us dirty looks for the rest of the night. If only they knew.....You are still a genius and I can't wait for next week. Good luck in the trial - we'll be here waiting for you! Rose in the OC

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  9. I think the "tacky ho" comment made the cut because it actually came from Robyn's makeup artist as she and Robyn were talking about Tierra. There's no way they would have left that in if it had been directed at a minority...without showing it to us in every single preview leading up to that moment.

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  10. DP, I have to hand it to you, this was a hilarious recap. Sorry, I couldn't help myself. I like Sarah, but does she have to talk about her missing arm so much?
    Poor Katie, she was not having a bad hair day, I think this girl is having a bad hair life. Kudos to her for walking out if the Bachelor "experience" wasn't for her. Can Kacie act more desperate?
    It was worth the wait to laugh so hard. You make this stupid show worth watching.

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  11. L.A. doesn't have humidity. It's the desert.

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  12. easycinderella, the irony of that joke escaped you. Of course LA has no humidity. That's why it's funny that Katie needs to find somewhere less humid than LA in order for her hair to work. I suppose if I have to point out why a joke is funny, then it's not really funny, is it? If your day job doesn't work out, I'd suggest applying at the local LA weather station. I'll try harder next week. Thanks for the comment! DP

    Liana, always good to know you're logging in from wherever your world traveling life of leisure takes you. DP

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  13. I don't know if I can get through this season. Holy boring...but not your blog! The Tierra jabs were great. Thanks for the laughs.
    ~Cariss

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  14. At first, I thought the one arm jokes might be harsh, but after two hours of Sarah literally sticking her nub into the camera and talking about it non-stop, maybe she'll enjoy a few jabs ;)

    The 'thief in her home country' joke had me laughing out loud for a good five minutes. Great recap :)

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  15. I literally laughed out loud with:

    “Technically, she has one and a half arms,” I thought aloud, but I let her have her moment.

    She had a couple of real boobs and she’s got two hands too (showoff)


    Sooo it is now official. I am going to Hell. Save me a seat.

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  16. I just had to tell you that as an attorney's wife and an insurance agent, your joke about Tierra's fall being a possible premises liability claim had me rolling. Hilarious!

    Mrs.M in MI

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  17. One of my favorite was: Harlequin romance "novels" make the Twilight books look like Anna Karenina. You're back, you're really back!

    Macedonian Hussy

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    Replies
    1. Hey, I am replying to my own comment becuase just realized I'm Earthquake now that I have gmail! I forgot! That must be because my middle name is Andrea and it is my mother's Fault, not mine! But I'm still Macedonian. Forgot to say I cracked up about theft in her own country and I was skeptical about Tierra right away, sometimes those first impression roses are for people who impersonate nice people, huh, DP? As Bette Davis said ini All About Eve, Fasten your seat belts, it's gonna be a bumpy ride. (Not the show, but the "amazing journey" in YOUR words)so thanks for just being g you.

      Delete
    2. Earthquake, I thought I was getting comments from the black comedian named Earthquake. It's good to see the Hussy back in the mix. DP

      Delete
  18. I am late to this boring season cause I was gone spending a significant birthday with my twin sister. We did find time to watch mainly to see who was vying for Sean's abs, pecs and other parts that seem to be shown way too much. We get it, the guy is ripped.
    Your one arm jokes about Sarah are great -doubt she will be around that much longer cause she seems to be very insecure although she will spend a lot of our time telling us she's not. Katie leaving was funny since Sean didn't even try to stop her and just said let me walk you out. Why do women sign up for such a show knowing they will be vying with 25 other women for a guy? Makes no sense that they are surprised at what is going on. Kacie is just pitiful in her attempt to once again find love-guess she will be the next bachelorette?
    Keep up the good work and blog when you can with your busy real life interfering.
    Sal in Utah

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  19. Loving the hand jokes! And I thought the same thing about Sarah technically having one and a half arms.

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  20. Sal in Utah, I had no idea you were a twin like me. I'm certain that "significant" birthday is the 29th one. Thanks for the comment. DP

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  22. "Guilty of theft in her country."

    Solid man. Very solid. Man,if you're catching he'll for these harmless little references, I should be glad I've got fewer readers than you. I don't call her Circle- Swimmer Sarah for nothing. Sheesh.

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  23. No ifs, hands or buts!! Love it!!

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  24. I'm a little late to the recap but I would give my right arm (or half of it) to actually hear you narrate this show live. Come to Houston on a Monday preferably before Sarah is given the ax!!

    -kk

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  25. DP-yep been a twin all my life-ha. We actually had somebody ask us that one time -so how long have you been twins? And thanks for the 29th birthday wishes. Tack on many many more years and you can arrive at the significant birthday we just celebrated.
    Hope your workload doesn't wear you down in the upcoming weeks.

    Sal in Utah

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