Sean Episode 2: Give that Girl a Big Hand

Hello, Readers.  Welcome back to Week Two of Sean’s season with the Amazing Count at a blistering 29 and the Journey count at a stagnant 6.  For you fellow Blogger users out there my hope is that you, like me, are now able to use your blogs again.  That little glitch put a monkey wrench in my writing schedule and a few grey hairs on my head this week.  Whichever guy in a short sleeve shirt and a tie whose turn it was to watch the server this week obviously got distracted.  Let’s not beat around the bush then.  Let’s get to it. 

We begin as we always do, with a recap of everything that’s been previously recapped (Speaking of beating around the bush).  I wonder why ABC feels compelled to create 35 minutes of filler every week on this show rather than sending out an order for a mediocre sitcom to fill the space.  We’re reminded of last week’s season kickoff, Kacie’s abject desperation, Tierra’s impending metamorphosis from First Impression (depending upon which bitch you ask) Rose to Resident Drama Coordinator, and the fact that the competition for “Sean’s Heart” has “no rules.”  I felt like I was watching Caddyshack for the 500^th time.  I could quote this show.  

Top all of that off with Sean working out with his top off and you’ll begin to understand my frustration.  The only thing more heavily run into the ground harder than Sean’s physique so far this season is Sarah’s lack of an arm.  We’ll HAND-le that later.  First, Harrison has to announce his presence, give his A.M. pep talk, and (of course) recap a bit before dropping the date card and heading to various local Farmer’s Markets in order to showcase his naked ring finger. 

As every woman in the room fights the urge to claw her way past the other women in order to rip open the date card, Kristy picks it up and reads it.  I’m certain her “model” training adequately prepared her for this moment.   I was also refreshed to learn she can actually read.  

“Sarah, are you ready to fall in love today?  Sean,” it reads and AshLee tells us that she’s “fully jealous.”  I thought she looked only “substantially jealous” but it was difficult to tell due to the fact that the camera made the first of what would be no less than a few dozen close ups on Sarah’s partial appendage.  Instead of being upset at her for drawing the coveted first one on one date I felt as if Sarah deserved some recognition from the other women.  They could have at least given her a hand. 

Annnyyyhooo. . . .

Understandably, she’s excited.  Then she talks (and talks and talks some more) about having one arm.  “Technically, she has one and a half arms,” I thought aloud, but I let her have her moment.  Look, for those of you who are angry with me for joking about this, at least let me explain myself.  First, she’s chosen to go on a reality show and showcase her unfortunate birth accident.  Second, she’s made it a point from get-go to do nothing but talk about her missing appendage.  Third, the Producers have defined her disability by choosing to focus on her lack of an arm literally every chance they get.  So much for “not being treated any differently than the others.”  For the record, I like Sarah.  She’s boring, yes, but attractive and definitely one of the nicer girls in the house.  Hands down.    

Sarah gets ready while Sean boards the Bachelor-copter and heads over to get her.  It must be nice to have a helicopter at your beck and call; especially in Los Angeles.  I think Sarah would agree that having a helicopter comes in rather Handy. 

I was so waiting for one of those catty, dateless, jealous Janes to slip and make the one arm joke.  Mark my words:  that day will come.  Sarah meets Sean for the big date and we hear more about her no arm.  Alright, I get it.  She’s “brave” for coming on the show.  Enough already.  It is now abundantly clear that Sarah was not chosen for the show in spite of having lost an arm; she was chosen because of it.    

Zooming in on the place where Sarah’s arm is supposed to be is tantamount to zooming in repeatedly on Ashley’s Fivehead, Vienna’s lazy eye, or Jake’s personality.  It struck me as a bit unfair.  

I’ll be brief about the rest of this because we’ve seen this exact date enough times to know exactly what was going to happen.  The only time I enjoyed the “out of the comfort zone scaling something tall” date is when Pavelka broke down crying on that giant bridge like a drunken sorority girl after being cheated on at the Sigma Chi No Means Yes Mixer during freshman rush.  Remember that?

Sean and Sarah successfully free fall and Sarah proves herself to be a cool date despite “Oh my gosh-ing” about 400 times.  She also cleaned up very nicely in her strappy black cocktail dress.  She tells Sean she wants to share a story with him.  I half expected him to say, “It’s not the one arm story, is it?”  Indeed it was—or a version of it.  Regardless, Sean seemed impressed.  She earns the rose. 

I have to hand it to her, she was the right person for that date; no if, hands, or buts.  She totally could have done that free fall thing with one arm tied behind her back.  Good for Sarah.  She should pat herself on the back.  Congrats on drawing the “Metaphor for Love” date and hitting it out of the park.  Then again, she really came armed with some good material. 

As Sarah is busy glad handing with Sean, the other women get the dreaded Group Date Card.  They anxiously sit around in their short shorts and we learn that Kristy, Amanda, Brooke, Leslie M., Daniella, Catherine, Robyn, Katie, Selma, Diana, Karen, Kacie, and Tierra are going to “capture the romance”.  Tierra tells us that she’s not there to make friends.  Whatever.   

Robyn straightens her hair.  Katie doesn’t.  They all knock back a few mimosas in the limo.   Talk about priming the pump.  They eventually arrive at a giant mansion that Selma calls a castle.  Sean appears in a purple sweater but magically switches from that to a plaid shirt a few times.  Nice editing.  Sigh. 

Daniella—who is quickly emerging as the resident dunce—tells us that she’s familiar with Harlequin Romance “novels.”  That's not surprising considering the fact that those make the Twilight books look like Anna Karenina.  At least her reading material is intellect-appropriate.    

It’s hair and makeup time before the big photo shoot.  Tierra drops “extensions” on several of the girls (that's apparently an insult) and simultaneously puts her ample hooters on display.  Those things are huge, by the way.  Are they fake?  Who cares?  As far as I’m concerned, if I can touch them, they’re real.  

Robyn hates her and Tierra drops “tacky ho” on Robyn.  Don Imus got fired for saying something similar and was decried as a racist for months before sort of apologizing and getting his job back.  For a show that’s been under the “racist” microscope lately I was surprised they let that comment escape the Editing Room floor.  That little dispute is nothing more than a vehicle for setting up the “right reasons” bullshit we’ve been hearing since Wes Hayden forever stained our television screens. 

The photo shoot starts in earnest. Giggles and hair flips abound as Lesley shows off her midriff and has some fun with Sean.  She seemed sincere and fun.  Sean seemed to notice too.

Kristy reminds us she’s a model.  It’s her element, apparently.  Give me a break.  Then there’s some kind of vampire thing.  Tierra informs us that she is the kind of girl who gets right to the point (read:  I put out early and often).  Kristy models until Tierra almost explodes.  Sean vnecks.  Eventually, Kristy wins the cover deal.  Congrats, Kristy.  All of the money your parents threw away on Glamour Shots finally paid off. 

Pool party.   

Kacie laments the fact that she’s still in the back seat.  I’ll bet Tierra has seen her share of back seats.  Lesley gets some one on one in a dark room.  She’s there “for love” and she and Sean are “hopeful.”  She’s actually got a personality and it showed there despite the awkward nature of the “he won’t kiss me” body language.

Daniella thinks Sean is “like so fun.”  Her giant turquoise earrings appeared smarter than she did.  Sean puts his hand on every girl’s knee and eventually awkwardly handles Kacie’s “get beyond the Friend Zone” line of forced questioning.  Hey Women, pay attention.  If a guy that you meet repeatedly at parties and social events never asks for your number and then chooses to go on a dating show where he’s likely to get engaged within 10 weeks without inviting you on that dating show then he’s probably not interested in anything BUT the “Friend Zone.”  Kacie will learn that the hard way, I suppose.   

Catherine, the resident Asian, puts the “graphic” in “graphic designer” by telling Sean (for some inexplicable reason) that she is vegan but she “loves the beef.” Selma is gorgeous and even though I’m admittedly partial to brunettes I believe she’s the best looking broad in the harem.  Speaking of harems (see what I did there?), we learn that Selma is from the Middle East.  She probably thinks Sarah was guilty of theft in her home country. 

Dude, that’s a solid joke.  Even those of you who mentally condemned me for my hand jokes earlier have to appreciate that one.  “Theft in her home country.”  Solid.  Annnyyyhooo . . . .

Tierra stuffs her face and pouts.  My guess is she was about 25 pounds heavier a few months before the show.  Katie pouts a bit too but she looked more tired than bitchy.  Either that or she’s upset about her hair.  Poor girl.  She’s hot too but her hair won’t allow her to relax.  She eventually bows out of the competition in favor of returning home and into obscurity declaring that the show is “not the right setting for her.”  Fair enough.  It’s always the ones with a good head on their shoulders who bow out, isn’t it?  I was sorry to see her go, but she was clearly miserable.  Hopefully, she lives somewhere with less humidity than L.A.    

Sean has a one on one with Tierra.  She tells him that she's hyper competitive.  No shit?  Sean reassures her that he wants a girl who is “sweet and genuine.”  She’s neither and he’ll figure that out if he hasn’t already.  She falls down the stairs next week too.  Perhaps Sean will wise up and leave her in the ER.  Perhaps he won’t.  For the record, it appears that Tierra may have a legitimate premises liability claim and a lot of potential defendants from which to seek redress.  I'm just sayin'. . .  

Kacie gets the sympathy date rose and the nasty stares that go with it.      

Ding dong. 

Time for Date Card number 3.  Jackie looks good without all of her makeup on and the purple tint of her hair color is almost unnoticeable.  Jackie tells us it’s her berfday but Sean apparently could not care less because Desiree gets the “Love is priceless” date.

I’ll gloss over the part where Sean plays the million dollar art accident prank on Desiree.  It’s fun to see a Bachelor who’s not a puppet for a change.  Sean still appears stiff at times, but he and Harrison had a great time and Desiree was a great sport.  She looked great in her black dress and handled the prank well.  The guy who played Sven the Tortured Foreign Artist probably updated his IMDB page with that credit on his lunch break at the Hollywood and Vine Starbucks that afternoon.   Good for "Sven."  Hopefully, his convincing yet sympathetic portrayal of the starving foreign artist will bring him more work as an extra.  Let's hope he's not hopelessly typecast.  At the very least, I hope it gets him laid.   Back to Sean.  

Desiree's big reward is a trip back to Sean’s place where the Bach staffers have prepared a dry Filet, steamed broccoli, and corn for Sean to pretend like he cooked.  Was Hollandaise sauce out of the question?  

Desiree scored major points with the “I’ve got great parents” talk and established herself as a front runner in her purple bikini.  She looked great and Sean could barely hide the level of comfort he felt with her.  She had a couple of real boobs and she’s got two hands too (showoff).  They share some love and marriage talk and Sean refers to her as “Des”.  We all know that early season nick names equal late season Fantasy Dates.  Recall “Ash” and “Em”.   Sean and “Des” tell us that they “feel” each other.   They should have just freed up the next 8 Monday nights of my life and got engaged right there.  Great date.  Des is cool and Sean digs her.  Nice work.       

Cocktail party time.

Proving she’s in an extremely close second in the lowest IQ in the House Contest, Lindsay, admits to being hammered night one and appeals to Sean’s sense of forgiveness.  She doesn’t know the meaning of the word “quit.”  Then again, she probably doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.  She’ll have to show him something besides her giggly dumb act or she’s headed home soon.  Apparently her father is a general.  I found that appropriate considering the fact that Lindsay seems generally unaware of her surroundings at all times.   

Sean tells us that Catherine, the resident Asian, has an “infectious personality.”  He’d better hope that’s the only infectious part of her. 

Some heavy pouting ensues before Daniella points out that “Tonight is like literally a tornado of negativity…waiting to happen.”  She’s, like a tornado of stupidity…that’s already happened.  Amanda drinks coffee and water in her puce dress with the Princess Leia hair shoulder pads while pouting profusely.    

Robyn tees up the “culturally diverse” card.  She’s not sure Sean likes black chicks.  Robyn brings it up to Sean, who “loves the question.”  As contrived as that was, Sean decides to take it a step further by telling Robyn that he doesn’t have a “type.”  Whatever.  We all have a type. He tells us he’s dated a bunch of ethnic chicks as Mike Fleiss put a check mark by the “mention minorities this season” box on his Bachelor Season To Do List.  I’d be willing to bet that there were a bunch of white girls in Uptown Dallas regurgitating their chardonnay as they watched that.  Nice job, ABC.  Kensington and Smith would be proud.

Daniella pounds wine with Catherine. 

Harrison eventually shows up in French blue without his wedding ring on.  He fights the urge to drop a “I’d hit that” on Sean.  You know, because he's single now and all, yo.  Decision time for Sean.   He drops multiple clichés and eventually multiple hammers. 

1.         Sarah

2.         Kacie

3.         Desiree

4.         AshLee

5.         Lindsay (nine lives)

6.         Robyn

7.         Jackie

8.         Lesley M.

9.         Selma

10.       Catherine

11.       Kristy (frosty lipstick)

12.       Leslie H.

13.       Tierra

14.       Taryn

15.       Daniella

16.       Amanda

Brooke (loses with class which is all you can hope for at this point of the season)

Diana (Her vacation from her kids ended early)

Katie (voluntary withdrawal)

Well, there it is.  The good news is that it's getting easier to manage this list.   The bad news is that I'm in trial for the next few weeks.  I'll manage.  Thanks for waiting.  Until next time, take care of yourselves.  In the meantime, I'll be hanging out with Harrison at the local art gallery faking a French accent.   DP