Hello, Readers. Welcome back to the Episode 3 recap of our favorite least favorite show. Sean is at it again and as the previews promised, we’re all set for some serious drama this week. I've noticed that
Harrison has shied away from "the
most [insert provocative adjective] season ever" references so far this
season. I thought that might be an
indicator that ABC ran some focus groups; however, considering that the Amazing
Count is at a mind-numbing 43 and the Journey Count is at 7, I doubt that's the
case. With Inauguration Day out of the
way, let's get to the important stuff.
For a moment I actually hit "Pause" on my remote to confirm that I was, in fact, watching Episode 3 instead of one of the previous Episodes taking up valuable space on my DVR because I had to endure yet another segment of Sean pumping himself in his home gym in blue shorts. He was, of course, shirtless. Then I had to watch him shower again. I've said before that I understand the need to make him appealing to the opposite sex (and various male readers in
but fair is fair. I'd like some
reciprocity when the Bachelorette rolls around.
I'm just saying. Miami
Foreshadowing the upcoming volleyball contest, Sean tells us that he’s “digging a lot of women” this week and uses what has quietly yet undoubtedly become the annoying catch phrase of this season. He’s “blown away” by several of the ladies. One usually has to wait until Fantasy Suite Week for that to happen, I thought. I took a pull off my Lone Star and settled in for the long haul.
Captain Harrison shows up for the ceremonial reiteration of the week’s rules and the dropping of the Date Card. In his pseudo-nautically themed French blue shirt he sounds the “all hands on deck.” Sarah looked confused.
The women assemble. 16 left, 3 dates, one group and two one on one dates are in store. Use the time wisely (read: have a few chardonnays and fawn desperately over Sean while abandoning any modicum of civility).
drops Date Card and departs with his naked ring finger before tweeting his impending
arrival at a local Breastaurant.
Robyn, who heretofore has struck me as incredibly nice, tells us that she “wants to dis these bitches.” “Lesley M. how long with this love last? Sean,” the card reads. Lesley and her pink running shorts head upstairs to the Makeup Lair so she can get prep in order to “totally take our relationship to the next level.” Sigh, even the bright ones need work, I thought. She dons a pink short lacy thing that frankly looked great. She’s an attractive girl and I think she’s more attractive because of her personality which is odd because the opposite is usually true on this show (see Michelle Money, Courtney, Brad Womack, and that unstable blogger chick from
). New York
Cut to the limo. We assume the pick up was uneventful.
They take a limo to
. Incidentally, Hollywood is a dump. If you’ve ever been there, you’ll have to
agree that it’s filthy, run down, and overrated. You know, like Wes Hayden. At any rate, Sean and Lesley arrive at the Guinness
Hall of World Records. They must be
going for the World’s Most Boring Date, I opined into my half full beer bottle. I’m certain I’ll refer to that as a half
empty beer bottle before this season is over.
Despite being screwed out of a kickass date, Lesley plays along well. Sean tells us that his dad drove the contiguous 48 states in 97 hours and some change and is a world record holder. It became readily apparent that Lesley was chosen for this date because she’s he only one in the house who likely understands the word “contiguous.” Can you imagine if Daniella or Lindsay had to process that? Sean would need a thesaurus for dummies. What’s another word for “thesaurus”? Baffling, isn’t it?
Fresh off his A.M. Bloody Mary at the West Hollywood Hooters Harrison appears (inexplicably) in a vest with a creepy bearded guy in tow.
looked like some reality show Liberace.
By the way, do you know why Liberace played the piano? Because he really sucked on the organ. You’re welcome. I love that joke. Back to Sean.
Sigh . . . The Current record for longest on-screen kiss is 3 minutes and 15 seconds.
adds one second for the benefit of the dunces in the crowd and introduces some
dude who can count to 3:16 in order to “verify” the results.
I wonder what the record is for the World’s Longest On-screen Shirtless Workout. Whatever it is I’m certain Sean has shattered that record. I’ll spare you the pain that followed. They broke the record. Frankly, the World Record Verifier Guy should have given Sean a two for one: World’s Worst Kisser seemed appropriate. He should have given
a shot at 3:17.
By the way, it occurred to me that if Sean had invited Sarah on this date he could have set a record in a matter of seconds. I’m certain that there’s no record on the books for the Longest On-Screen Kiss with a One Armed Woman. Mean? Perhaps. True? Damn right it is. Annnnyyyyhoooo . . .
Lesley drops a “best day of my life” and they retire to the rooftop of the Roosevelt Hotel (also an overrated dump). She’s smart enough to play the Family Card in front of Sean. And Sean, proving that he is unequivocally a master of cliché, drops “it feels like I’ve known you forever” for the 100th time.
He’s not very smooth, is he? Arie Busterheiman would have been all over Lesley and her little pink number in the elevator to the rooftop. Family Schmamily. Sean was so inept that Lesley eventually moved in for the big kiss. He’s “blown away” again and because of that Lesley gets the rose. She’s cool. Nice work.
AshLee the Personal Organizer jumps up to assume the reader of the card duties. She needs to organize her upper and lower case letters.
“Kacie, Robyn, Leslie H., Kristy, Catherine, Desiree, Taryn, Amanda, Lindsay, Daniella, Jackie, Tierra, Who’s going to win my heart?”
Sarah, AshLee get no dated. It’s just as
well, I suppose. Selma had a Penelope Cruz look alike contest
to attend and AshLee had some organizing to do.
Sarah? I suppose she went
shopping at a Second Hand book store to look for some reading material to pass
the time. I believe she picked up a copy
of Hemmingway’s A Farewell to Arms. Selma
I’ll give you the Cliff’s Notes version of this date. We’ve seen it before and there’s no need to rehash it.
Sean in turquoise tank top. Kristy brings her model bandanna. Everyone strips down to frolic on the beach.
shows up in pink with brown linen pants.
Beach volleyball game. Winners
stay, losers go away.
Lindsay and Daniella compete for the Guinness World Record Dumbest Reality Show Contestant. Red loses. Blue wins. Kristy cries. They minivan it home and Leslie cries. They bitch, and cry, and lament the difficulty of taking 30 days off of work to live in a free house with free booze and do free stuff.
The big winners head to Sean’s place for cocktails. Sean has some one on one with Lindsay and she like, like, like, like totally…oversells her feelings. Her reward was another bad kiss from Sean. It’s good he doesn’t discriminate. Sean has a one on one with Desiree. He over flatters her and bores me with clichés.
Ding dong. Date Card. Tierra gets to read it but “jokes” about it being a double date with
“AshLee, Do you believe in magic?” Sarah calls her out for adding
to the date card. I know I make fun of
Sarah, but this moment along with the fact that she was the first person to
Tierra’s side when Tierra “fell” down the stairs sums her up. She’s a genuinely decent person. Kind people are consistently kind. That can’t be faked. Tierra, on the other hand, is a selfish C
Amanda, the resident pouter, pulls out her smile for a one on one. “You have a genuine heart,” Sean tells her. Good Lord. Is there a bigger platitude he could have thrown out? Incredibly, she responds with one: If they were married (that’s a tad premature, don’t you think?) Amanda would bring a “light, airy, fun atmosphere” to their marriage. Right, because she’s been so light, airy, and fun so far. Please. What a beating.
I was in awe at what happened next. Desiree began to crack. “Desiree, you’re in first place. Don’t look over your shoulder. Keep running toward the finish line,” I screamed at the television. All she has to do is grip the football tightly and keep her eye on the goal line. Distraction is a killer and it was clear that her judgment was clouded by the bane of every young woman’s existence: emotion.
I was even more in awe (although admittedly not surprised) to see Kacie commit the ultimate Bachelor error. For some reason she saw fit to bring the conflict between Desiree and Amanda to Sean’s attention. It’s a shame she doesn’t read this blog. How many times have I addressed this? Sean responded, albeit less aggressively than I would have, in the way I would have if I was in his V-neck. “Then why are you telling me about it?” “Why are you involving yourself?” “Why focus any of your attention on it?” A moment of sheer Bachelor perfection.
Women take notes. Men HATE this kind of drama. All of us a.) don’t understand it at ALL, and b.) will do just about anything to avoid it. Sean illustrated this by dropping a “Crazy Person” on Kacie. EXACTLY. She immediately realizes that her ill-conceived plan backfired and heads to her room to change out of that neoprene Body Glove “dress” she had on into some traveling home clothes. What was up with that dress, by the way? She looked like she was going body boarding.
The Date Rose goes to Lindsay. Frankly, that one baffled me. She must smell REALLY nice because she’s about as smart as a bag of hammers. Kacie melts down.
Cut to AshLee glossing up over her well-organized make up stash. She plans to tell Sean about her adoption, passion for personal organizing, love of lip gloss, and her anal retentive tendencies. She looked freaking great in that dress. For me, the jury is still out on her. She seems a little stiff (then again so does Sean) but she’s very attractive and my guess is that she’ll relax as time goes on. We got a hint of that on the date. First, however, Tierra had (to pretend) to fall down the stairs and AshLee pretended to care.
Again, I’ll consolidate. Lindsay feels really bad (she’s SO dumb). Sarah holds her hand (ironically). Sean arrives in his pink v-neck. 911 is called. Fake paramedics from the Extra Department arrive. I swear one of them was Sven the Struggling Artist. Tierra complains. “This is so stupid.” That’s the smartest thing she’s said since she arrived at the house. She predictably refuses medical care. Sean talks to her. I’ll give credit where credit is due. Congrats to Tierra for orchestrating the most creative c*ck block in Bachelor history.
Finally, AshLee and Sean leave in his Bachelor Jeep. Would it have killed him to give her a heads up about the lack of a roof on the car or suggest a more casual dress code in light of the trip? She definitely needed a scrunchy thing. After that trip, her hair didn’t look very personally organized.
They arrive at
where they meet Emily
and Brianna from the Starlight or Starbright Foundation. Man, first Tierra and now this, I
thought. The poor girl won’t get any
alone time. However, we find out that
Emily and Brianna have a rare genetic disease and are meeting for the first
time. If any two women on this show have
a right to complain about how “hard” it is to be on the Bachelor, it’s these
two, I thought. Oddly enough, I didn’t hear
them bitching. Six Flags Magic
They seem to have a great day and eventually end up on a boat thingy ride. What I’m about to tell you has been confirmed via replay and via a phone call to my good friend Lincee Ray (www.ihategreenbeans.com). We were graced with the very first Bachelor Beaver Shot. If you look closely on the boat thing you could see AshLee’s unmentionables. I’m certain there was an editor somewhere giving a camera guy a high five. I just hope it was the fat guy in the leather hat who helped Roz pack her shit. I’m sure AshLee will be horrified but it was good to know that her underwear was personally organized so as to match her short little dress.
They get to enjoy the Eli Young Band. Those guys are from
—home of Jake Pavelka’s gazebo. They play around Denton, Texas a lot, too. AshLee seemed genuinely
touched by the day. I was bummed that she
didn’t get more one on one but I was glad to see that the date wasn’t wasted on
someone like Tierra. Finally alone,
AshLee Carpe Diems and drops her foster parent story which literally brings
Sean to tears. She gets the rose. My take?
AshLee is a very nice person who deserves to be happy. I just don’t think it will be with Sean. Solid date, though. Austin
The date ends (much to my chagrin) with proof that we have yet another Bachelor (a Texan no less) who can’t freaking lead a lady around the dance floor. Oh, the humanity.
Sean shows up in his suit and confirms that Tierra has made a miraculous recovery. He shares some one on one with Sarah who looked very pretty in her pink dress. She had it laundered and stored it in her ARM-oire before the party. She sports the bang braid and he brings her dog Leo to the mansion. I’ll give him credit. Whoever though that up is a freaking genius. Sarah will be around for a while. Again, it was nice to see that gesture appreciated. Like AshLee, Sarah deserves to be happy.
All of the girls take to double-fisting drinks. Well, all of them except Sarah. Tierra gets stolen away. Jackie stresses about it. Desiree interrupts. Tierra is pissed. Anger issues. Jockeying for position. Tierra gets him again. Lesley throws around her multi-colored statement necklace. Sean recognizes that the women are behaving like a bunch of freaking Huns on the edge of the
Roman Empire. Jackie keeps her cool for the most part. Perhaps it was the Topsy Tail. Kacie teed up her own demise.
Sean gives us some more clichés before taking out the trash prior to giving the real roses out. Kacie’s done and she knows it. Sean threw hot sauce in her wound by using the Friend word and giving her the “I have way too much respect for you” speech (another cliché). Ouch. Sean returns and explains it to the ladies as they all do a poor job fighting back their smiles. That’s how the baton twirls, Kacie. Sean commences the handing out of the roses.
1. Lesley (solid week)
2. Lindsay (9 more lives)
3. AshLee (she might be the Sleeper. Did I mention that dress?)
4. Tierra (she melts down next week)
5. Leslie H. (meh…)
6. Catherine (the resident Asian)
7. Daniella (drunk and dull)
8. Robyn (nice but she’s going home soon)
(she’ll get her turn very soon) Selma
10. Sarah (decent and kind. She won’t last)
11. Jackie (kept it together well this week)
12. Amanda (I’m at a loss here)
13. Desiree (needs to hit the ‘reset’ button)
OUT. Kacie, Taryn, Kristy
Well, there is it. Episode 3. Next week promises to be a drama-filled mess. Enjoy your week. Until next time, take care of yourselves. Let me hear your thoughts in the comment section this week. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be working out shirtless before showering. DP