Bachelor Sean Episode One: I Wish I Was More Sober Right Now

Hello, hello.  Welcome back, Readers.   I suppose the same can be said of me considering the fact that I’ve been intermittently MIA for some time now.  I won’t bore you with the details.  I’m traveling for work this week so I have to get to the point.  The best I can hope for is the time to slam two full drinks in First Class before take off and that I have enough points to get the upgrade to the Rainman Suite at whatever hotel I’m booked at this week. 

Disclaimer:  This is the most difficult episode to write about from a chronological standpoint because many of the “featured” ladies (I use that term loosely---and so do a lot of them, I’m sure) appear in their doing yoga, playing with their pet, feeling sorry for themselves rundown before exiting the limo and pulling their gimmicky intro on Sean.  As such, I’ll break it down alphabetically.  Let’s get to it.

Do I even have to tell any of you how we begin?  Beaches, tropical locations, and mountains fill the screen as Sean gets reintroduced to us while simultaneously displaying a tremendous solid color v-neck collection.  He broods a bit until we move straight to the ladies and get a preview of what promises to be a bigger, cattier, and bitchier season than Ben’s (if that’s even possible).  “Why do you continue to do this,” I asked my reflection in my Lone Star bottle.  Why indeed.      

After some standard, “Guys like you” talk Sean shows us he’s in a serious contemplative mood by donning his grandfather’s Cardigan sweater and seeking the comforting serenity of a mountain stream (in Dallas?) before settling in for some Emily talk.  He looked like an albino Bing Crosby on steroids.    

With that nonsense out of the way we get to the back biting.  Usually we’d have to wait until deep into Episode two for the resident bitch to emerge.  Granted, there’s always a fair share of the bottom 10 or whatever who hem and haw before being summarily booted from the cocktail party, but this time it’s a bit different.  We’ll get to that in a bit.

First, it’s time for a lot of showering and working out.  I asked my second Lone Star bottle the same question I asked the first one.  Sigh . . .

Sean drives in a silver Jeep (I guess the Aston Martin dealership couldn’t get the stains on the seats from last season out in time) and splits time effortlessly between the Pacific Coast Highway in L.A. and the Stemmons Freeway in Dallas.  He showers, tells us he needs love, works out, tells us he loves his job, runs outside, runs shirtless outside, runs on the treadmill, runs shirtless on the treadmill, and then (I presume) showered again after all of that rampant introspection (and working out shirtless).  He then hightails it to Plano to visit the giant playhouse of his overindulged and overnamed niece and nephew, Kensington and Smith.   Please.  Those parents better pray those kids aren’t dunces.  “Kensington” doesn’t actually look appealing on a McDonalds’ nametag. 

I will say that Sean clearly seems to have taken his off-season Bachelor preparedness training seriously.  He’s a lot more camera friendly and a hell of a lot less stiff than he appeared last season.  For now, I like the change. 

Sean rocks a Kelly green t-shirt on the beach and relaxes with some shirtless rock climbing before preparing for an awkward and uncomfortably homoerotic bonding session with none other than Arie Flugenbreakherheiman or whatever his name is. 

Arie shows up to talk about one of the only three things he knows about:  Kissing, race car driving, and being Dutch.  He sports his own version of the v-neck and they Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist it up over beers and fresh strawberries; all the while sticking to the script they got in the mail a week before this was shot. 

Arie could not have seemed more content in his contrived, supporting role.  He was so glad NOT to be the Bachelor he could barely contain it.  By the way, since when is Arie an expert?  The guy lost.  Granted, he “mourned” by banging other contestants and staff members, but he still lost. 

By the way, a friend of mine who is a graphic designer thought doctoring this movie poster would be funny a few years ago.  Look closely.   The only solace I take in this is that Ennis Del Mar was the "top guy."  At least I've got that going for me.  Annnyyyhooo . . . 

Sean puts on his Transporter/Reservoir Dogs suit (presumably over a v-neck) and heads to the chick mansion to meet Harrison and his conspicuously naked ring finger before gearing up to meet the 24 (or is it 25) ladies hand selected to annoy him and entertain us for the next 10 weeks.  I found myself wondering how many v-necks Sean owns.  My Lone Star bottle didn’t know the answer either.  

Here’s where I consolidate the women out of order.  By the way, because Sean chose to “break the rules” it was difficult for me to tell which one of these broads actually got a rose.  It appeared that he’s not a big fan of blond hair extensions, fake tans, bad skin, or wanton desperation.  I’ll use those criteria to assist me in narrowing down the ones who got the boot last night.  Oddly enough, Sean didn’t appear to be perfectly at home by sloppy drunk girls presumptuously dressed in a wedding gown.  Two words:  Producer’s Pick. 

In order of appearance, here they are.    

1.         Desiree, 26, Bridal Stylist.  Man, they’re not messing around this season.  We cut to Desiree sketching her own wedding dress and then trying another one on for good measure.  Her hair was a bit weird and her job is enough to strike abject fear into the hearts of most single men, but I found that I liked her after the cocktail party.  Her entrance in her red lacy number was enthusiastic but not fake and her “I brought pennies for a wish in the fountain” stunt actually worked compared to the other garbage Sean had to rummage through.  She earned a rose.  As Lucius said to Maximus, “I shall root for you, Gladiator.”  She’s hopeful. So am I.  

2.         Tierra, 24, I can’t remember what her job is but she’s from Denver.  Her name means “land” in Spanish, which is appropriate because she’s been trying to LAND a man since puberty.  She’s only fallen in love twice and squeals like Ned Beatty in the Georgia woods when she finds out that Sean is the Bachelor.  Frankly, they could have told her it was Bentley and I’m certain we’d get the same reaction.  She started strong with what quickly became a controversial First Impression Rose (depending on which bitch you ask).   She and her coral strappy tank appear to have their hands full this season.  She’s the resident trouble maker.  Damn you, Wes Hayden.

Sean drops the first rose on Tierra after she and her ample cans made a big impression on him in the driveway.  Sean is the kind of man I’ve been waiting for (one with a pulse?) she tells us before heading in to subtly yet purposely flaunt her rose.  My favorite line of the night, by the way, was when one of the Competitive Cathy’s upon seeing Tierra’s rose exclaimed, “A rose?  Did she come with it?”  CLASSIC.   

3.         Diana, 30, Hair salon owner.  She’s the hairdressing divorced mother of two who I found infinitely more attractive than her head shot.  Her hoop earrings and statement necklace scream singular independence.  Her two kids, however, do not.  Sean’s a family guy and she’s the only one who started with “IF Sean is the person” rather than “I’m in my wedding dress and I want to marry him.”  We’ll see how she holds up without her kids and in the presence of a lot of children this season.  I shall root for her too. 

4.         Sarah, 26, Designer.  Man, this is a tough one.  She’s so freaking nice and she’s clearly been persecuted her whole life.  Why?  She has one arm.  I’ve given this A LOT of thought and here’s the compromise I reached.  I’m going to joke about it. 

When they asked her if she knew who the new Bachelor was she looked really stumped.    However, once she found out she could barely keep her hand to herself.  After all she can count on one hand how many men she’s loved.

Alright, that’s out of my system.  Now let me say what I really think.  Ironically, she’s the ONLY person in that room who had reason to feel insecure and she’s the only person in that room who absolutely did not have to feel insecure.  I view people with a handicap like I view fat people at the gym.  Hell, it’s tough for me (and Lord knows I have no confidence issues) to work out in front of strangers or put myself in uncomfortable situations.  I can’t imagine having to deal with an issue like that and still persevere.  Props to you, Sarah.  She got a rose and she deserved it.  If I’m honest, I think she’s probably a bit boring, but she’ll be around for a few shows. 

5.         Ashley P. 20-something, Hair stylist.  She starts off with “I have NO idea why I’m still single.”  I’ll bet all of her friends do.  She loves 50 Shades of Grey, clearly has alcohol issues, and has a cat and a rocking horse in her sparsely furnished apartment.  She’s nuts and I’ll bet every person in her social circle knows it.  It’s difficult to feel sorry for someone in her shoes.  Then again, I’m sure Sean is thrilled he kicked her and her Grey tie to the curb.  She’ll return home to her Red Room of Pain and sink back into the bar scene in whatever town she’s accustomed to sloshing around in on her way to Waffle House for a post, last call stack of flapjacks.  Good riddance.

6.         Leslie, 25.  Political consultant, DC.  She led with making Sean bend over and hike the football to her.  She’d have done better playing center herself.  I suppose that’s now on the table if she makes it to the Fantasy Suite.  She’s probably too smart for her own good with a job like that and despite looking like Nicole Ritchie on a month long food binge, she oozed uncomfortableness.  She’s either too smart or too insecure to last amongst the lionesses.  I’m pretty sure she got a rose. 

7.         Kristy, 25, Model.  She’s from “like the number one model agency.”  Haven’t we been down this road with Courtney before?  That’s so boring I can hardly prevent actually yawning into my beer bottle as I watch her.   She’s an attention seeker who’s obviously banging her meathead trainer.  I think we can all agree on that.  Vapid and self-absorbed.  Sean will be tricked by her good looks for a while.  If there’s any substance behind them she’d do well to drop the act and be herself sooner rather than later.   

8.         AshLee, 32, Professional organizer also from Houston.  When I saw her closet I looked over at the SLF and said, “Control freak.  She’s either got Daddy issues or she’s been abandoned by someone.”  The SLF laughed and responded with a “how do you know this stuff?”  Frankly, this one is obvious.  There’s a fine line between “Obsessive” and “Compulsive”---they call it a hyphen.  She rallied, however, and got a rose.  She’s really attractive and is the lack of structure and over stimulation of the hooker house doesn’t throw her off her game, she might learn to relax a bit and end up doing well.  Let's hope she's not like that crazy blogger from New York. 'Memba her?  I like her.

9.         Jackie, Cosmetics Consultant, 25.  Purple hair.  She puts lipstick on Sean's cheek.  I believe the shade was Slut Red by Max Factor.  I liked her head shot and I’ll reserve judgment.  She lurked in the background.  Good strategy after her memorable intro.    

10.       Selma, 29, Real estate.  She wipes off the aforementioned lipstick with spare tissue from her cleavage.  Very Cha Cha DeGregorio of her.  She’s very pretty but boring so far.  She looks like Sean Young and Selma Hayek had a kid.  She’s too pretty to not get a rose. 

11.       Leslie H., Poker dealer, 29.  My notes say “Tall, Nice Smile.”  Frankly, aside from her “Holy Toledo” exclamation that’s all I recall about her.  She’s a Harry Carey fan, apparently.

12.       Daniella, 24, Who knows what she does for a living.  She appears to be in heat and didn’t help herself with that macho handshake greeting.  Sean looked like his v-neck was too tight.  She got a “you’re less worse than the girls I’m kicking out and I have a rose left” rose. 

13.       Kelly, 28, Cruise Ship Entertainer who never leaves the sunny portion of the lido deck.  She opens with a horrible song she “wrote.”  Bad decision.  So were those extensions.  She’d be pretty if she’d tone it down a little.  She has a super interesting job and seemed to have a personality.  Like with her appearance, she tried too hard with Sean and fumbled the microphone.  She also had the worst post rose ceremony feeling sorry for herself testimonial.  Bummer.  No rose.

14.       Katie, Yoga instructor, 27.  She calmed her Sideshow Bob hair and had a hot pink dress on with no shoes.  I have to admit, she’s my new favorite.  She also worked in “move the hands to hard center” with Sean.  That move should come in handy when she makes it to the Fantasy Suite.  She’s hot and she seemed to stay out of the drama as much as she could. 

15.       Taryn, 30, health club manager who looks like Julie Bowen’s older sister.  She’s the first to break down and cry at the “pressure” of not getting a rose during the actual party as opposed to the rose ceremony.  If she’s “30” then I’m Brad Freaking Pitt.  Still, she’s attractive.  I’ll chalk her night up to nerves and suggest we all give her a fresh start next week.

16.       Catherine, 26, No idea what her job is in the real world.  She calls Sean a “hunk,” which is a term that went out of fashion years before she was born.  She was the first to look genuinely infatuated with Sean.  She played it low key but I think she’ll go far.  Maybe.  Hell, I don’t know.

17.       Robyn, Oilfield Asst.  She’s from my hometown and she sells oilfield equipment. Nice personality, nice smile, and way too normal to stick around until the end.  She did drop the terms “permanent packer” and “higher pressure ratings” in the same sentence and she uses sticky notes to learn Spanish.  Que Lastima.  I like her.  Maybe Sean will too.   She got talked in to attempting back walkovers (yes, that’s the correct term) after a few champagne pops in the limo and fell on her head. She handled the fall well and appeared to have a bubbly and fun personality.  Let’s hope some of that positive energy counteracts the rampant estrogen in the house.  Wishful thinking, I know.  As a wise man often comments on this blog, “Can’t a boy dream?” 

18.       Lacey, 24, Graduate Student.  “A lot of people call me Lace,” she says in a sultry voice behind a mound of makeup and some serious “blond” extensions.  I was waiting for the second part of that sentence “…because that’s my stage name at the Stone Pony.”  Another red flag that she’s a stripper is her vague “job” description.  We all know that all strippers are graduate students.  Why should it be different for Lace? 

19.       Paige, 27 Jumbotron Operator.  I heard a Canadian accent.  Sean dumped her without talking to her.  She’s OOT before it started.  She had the second most pathetic post rose ceremony feeling sorry for myself testimonial.  Poor girl.  Stay behind the jumbotron camera, please.  You’re life will work out just fine.   

20.       Amanda, 26, Fit Model.  Again, boring.  She’s tall, pretty, and pretty impressed with herself.  She tried to pull of the “awkward pause” greeting that frankly wasn’t that awkward.  Like the other “model” she’d do better to dust off her personality—if it exists—and put away the hot act.

21.       Keriann, 29, Entrepreneur.  Statement necklace  She drove 2,775 miles to meet Sean.  After 5,550 miles it will be time for an oil change in her home town.  She was unremarkable and Sean noticed (or didn’t).  No Rose. 

22.       Brooke, 25, Community Organizer.   She gets a bit handsy but came across as really Housewives of Whatever.  No Rose. 

23.       Diana.  All I remember about her is that her dress was horrible.  It looked like a leotard with a tutu and her hooters were way too big to have that be her choice for night one. 

24.       Ashley H, Model.  25.  Turquoise dress.  Fake voice. Dull personality and another candidate for Real Housewives.    

25.       Lauren, 27, Journalist.  Big Italian nose.   “Blonde.”  Her Italian dad threatens him.   Must she perpetuate the stereotype?  I expected her to bust out in Poker Face or show up in a meat dress.    

26.       Lindsay, 24, Substitute Teacher.  Arrives in a wedding dress and goes in for the kiss.  She is HAMMERED.  What a mess.  Sean did give her a Producer’s Pick Rose, however.  I liked her head shot.  She needs to sober up and bring her A game immediately.  If this doesn’t work out we can always introduce her to Tim from Jillian’s season.  I love that guy. 

But wait, Someone called Harrison.  Gwen?

27.       Kacie B. from Ben’s season.  Great legs and a decent personality.  She’ll tire of the show before it tires of her.  Dumb move. 

Well, we’re off.  There it is.  With the Amazing count off to a healthy 12 and the Journey count at a respectable 6, we head into Episode 2.  I have too many numbers and I’m still a bit confused, but hey, I got the post up today.  Like the professional that I am, I’ll sort it out by next week.  It’s Elvis’ 78^th Birthday today.  Have a happy and safe Elvis’ birthday.  Until next time, if you need me I’ll be confusing twenty somethings by “breaking the rules.”    DP