Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Final Episode Bachelorette Andi: Nick Rules

Hello, Readers.  

Well, well, well, I think we'd all agree on the absolute best moment of this season or any other season. . . EVER. . . was the first hand, on-air confirmation that Andi had indeed been stuffed and pounded like Pollo Rollatino (on TV) by three guys in as many months.  I hate to pile on.  Well, no I don't.  I'm hitting the 1 minute clock and I'm going to type every slut insult I can think of.  You can't argue she hasn't earned it.  

Here we go.  

She's like an on ramp, for crying out loud.  

Staahhhhp, is apparently a word she uses only outside the bedroom.  

Her private parts apparently went public.  

Now that the season is over she's going to have to reintroduce her knees to one another.  

She's given more rides than Greyhound.    

The Statue of Liberty has had fewer men inside of her

She has stretch marks on her cheeks

Instead of a lock they should have installed a credit card reader on the Fantasy Suite door

Andi is not as popular as her vagina is

Andi has taken more loads this season than the fat guy in the hat who helped Roz pack her sh*t

"We the People" in the Declaration of Independence doesn't refer to her sex partners

Michelangelo spent less time on his back

AAAANNNDDD Finally . . . .

If this was Star Wars, she'd be cast as Princess Lay-ya

Alright, I'll staaahhhhp.   

Now, I know what a lot of you are thinking.  "Nick's an a*shole.  How dare he. . . ".  Whatever.  Frankly, it's nice to see our heretofore virginal Bachelorette face the music.  If you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences, Andi.  That's a lesson lost on any member of Andi's generation.  

My only regret is that Nick went with "made love" and didn't use a profane word to describe what really happened in the suite or that he didn't make up some unforgettably crude euphemism to memorialize it. 

Can you imagine?  I, like, just, like (insert boneless neck lean on the couch pillow) can't, like, believe that you, like, let me pork you until the sun came up.

On a side note.  I think it's apparent that Ashley and JP can't use the term "porking."  That's a little mixed marriage humor for you folks.  I'll be here all week.  Annnyyyhoooo....  


Why, like, did you, like book a one way ticket on the beef bus to Tunatown?  

Yea, I'm not messing around this week, am I?  And neither was Nick.  Word on the street is that he hates Josh.  What better way to  vent publicly than with the "I slept with your fiancĂ©" smack?  I'll commend him on his subtle delivery.  I'd commend Josh on not reacting, but I honestly don't think he cared.    

It's the finale and I have to go out with a bang . . . or in Andi's case, three bangs.  Can you imagine if Chris and Marcus would have stuck around?  By the time she got Josh in the Fantasy Suite it would have been like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.  Alright, I'll stop beating a dead cat.    

Ironically, Andi spent most of the last few shows in this position

Some of you have stopped reading in horror, some of you are wiping the tears from your eyes, and some of you are writing these down to use them on your friends later this evening.  You're welcome.   

Let's get to the run down, shall we? 

First, let me comment about my watching party last week with Lincee (www.ihategreenbeans.com) Ray who was a wonderful house guest, by the way.  Granted, she did make off with the guest room soap, but that was well worth her company.  I think she's still ashamed at herself for laughing as hard as she did at some of the inappropriate, unprintable comments that came out of my mouth during the show.  She's probably even more ashamed for (allegedly) making a few of her own.  

By the way, speaking of inappropriate, did anyone find the baseless character assassination of Andrew in light of the fact that there was no objective evidence to substantiate the Douche-a-preneur's accusation of a "racist" comment a new low?  

I didn't find Andrew particularly intriguing but I do believe those accusations are having a profound effect in the real world for him.  In my humble, white guy opinion, ABC's selection of Barry White theme music for Marquel during the Bach in Paradise previews last night was more offensive than what Andrew didn't say on a hot mic.  It appears that Marquel is a pretty popular guy on that cesspool of a show.  Good for that guy.  At least he won't have to wait in line like Josh did.  Boom.   

Moving on. 

I've been "the boyfriend" more times than I care to admit in my life.  I've sent flowers, given rides to the airport, acted like Valentine's Day is a legitimate, meaningful holiday, and even attended a Farmer's Market or two.  Never once have I showed up to meet a girl's parents in a sweat drenched silk shirt unbuttoned to my manhood.  How unimpressed did Hy look?  The look of horror covered up by tight-lipped feigned interest on Andi's Mom's face was priceless.  

"Suddenly this loud man shows up sweating and telling us over and over how hot and nervous he is."  Classic.  The look on ole Hy Dorfman's face when Josh asked for his daughter's hand in marriage didn't exactly scream enthusiasm.  

In fact, with the sound off, it looked more like he was struggling to hold a gas problem after too much beer and pizza.  I'm sure this was running through his head while he was pretending (poorly) to like Josh.


It was apparent that he'd been given "The Talk" by the remaining Dorfman's anxious to drink free milk from the ABC mammary glands.  

I can hear Mrs. Dorfman now. 

"Oh, Hy, he's not Mexican or Dominican Republican or whatever like that Juan Carlos was.  He's from Atlanta.  It's a free trip to Puerto Rico or whatever.  It's not like she's going to marry him.  Ees Ok."  

And so it went.  I can't decide who had the worst wardrobe this season.  Andi always looked like she bought a size 14 because TJ Maxx was out of a size 8 but it's ok because it will totally look cute on, especially if I pair it with shorts that are a few sizes too small.  

Nick looked like he had a secret V-neck and Members Only endorsement locked up before the season and Josh, wow.  Let's talk about Josh's suit.  My best guess is that he got sized for that thing prior to eating, drinking, and lying around luxury hotels for 11 weeks.  My next best guess is that his real suit got lost and he was forced to borrow Harrison's suit.  My third best guess is that he washed that thing in scalding hot water.  Either way, it was a horrible fit.  He should have tried on a couple more before settling on that one.  You know, like Andi did.  

Well, there it is, my brief rundown of a boring season.  As always, I'll sincerely wish the happy new couple the best.  After all, I don't have to live with either one of them and they have to live with each other.  The Atlanta connection is a definite plus, as is the superficiality.  They'll do well for a while.  

Let's see if they stay together long enough for him to knock her up so she can go on next season's Men Tell All and show off her cans like Ashley did.  Did you see those things?  They were bigger than her forehead for crying out loud.  I couldn't tell if she was pregnant or just stealing a couple of hams. 

As for Nick.  Well, he'll do fine in spite of his (understandable) cheap shot.  Lionel Ritchie once said, "no one ever wrote a love song in the back of a limousine."  Well, my friends, I'll submit to you that Lionel Ritchie was never shit canned from the Bachelorette.  

THANK YOU.  ALL of you for being patient and kind this season. My life is busy and hectic and it's always a pleasure to write when I can.  Stay tuned in the off season.  

Thanks to some rabidly loyal and super fancy fans of Lincee and me, I've obtained my very own free copy of Courtney Robertson's book "I Didn't Come Here to Make Friends."  Sure, she didn't write it, but I'm going to read it anyway and write a review.  God help me.  At least there are no lovesick vampires or pouting, buck toothed heroines to worry about.  Thank you Molly, Emily, and Alicia for pulling those strings.  For you fans of The View, tune in on Thursday.  Believe it or not Emily is guest hosting.  Slap that Elizabeth Hasselhoff on the rear end for me, will you?  And tell her I loved her dad on Baywatch.  

A special thanks to my (and Mrs. Some Guy's) dear friend, Lincee Ray.  You're one of the most decent people I've ever met.  That  counts more than you realize.  Congrats on Entertainment Weekly and whatever lies beyond the daily grind you bravely left behind. 

To quote the young boy, Lucius, after he speaks with Maximus in Gladiator, "I like you Spaniard.  I shall cheer for you."


Lincee Ray

Take care of yourselves in the off season.  Check in every now and then.  In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be getting my suit taken in. . . while drinking a Lone Star.  DP

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Bachelorette Andi Episode Whatever: Andi is Horny, Not Corny

Well Hello, Readers,

Yea, it's me.  I've decided to carve out a little time post-episode to share my thoughts on Andi's wardrobe, Josh's Mr. Ed teeth, Nick's low key consistency, Chris' blue balls, and Harrison's Bachelor in Paradise Don Johnson wardrobe.  Let's get to it, shall we?

First of all, let's harken back to last week's hometown dates.

Dear Chris, I love your salt-of-the-earth honesty, but the response to "What would I do for work here?" is not "There's an opportunity to be a homemaker."    That question is equivalent to the following Relationship Trap Questions.  To be clear, RTQ's are deliberate traps set for unsuspecting, well-meaning men in relationships.  These include:

1.  Do I look fat in these (insert newly purchased article of trendy clothing)?

2.  Do you think she's pretty?

3.  Would you ever (insert a male behavior that her best friend is currently upset about) to me?

4.  Do you like strip clubs?

5.  Would you rather go out with your friends or go see (insert Nicolas Sparks movie) tonight?

The ONLY answer to ALL of these questions is a firm, quickly uttered "No, of course not."  Any equivocation or hint of a positive response will result in horrible consequences.  Sometimes it's wiser to just keep the train on the tracks rather than pulling the brake.  Back to Chris.

I'll give the guy credit for his honesty.  It's clear he's an established guy with realistic expectations about where he is in life.

Josh, on the other hand, has less direction than an Iowa weather vane in a windstorm.  It's clear the guy has no plan beyond the Fantasy Suite.  Hell, I'm not sure he's going to propose next week even after Neil Lane drops in after his all nighter with Harrison at the local Dominican nudie bar.

Speaking of Josh, it is me or did his entire family look like Andi?  His mother looked like an older version of her.  As creepy as that sounds, it doesn't end there.  Josh's dental situation also resembles the horse's teeth that Chris rode during his Dump Date in the Dominican Republic.  Andi was about as comfortable on that horse as a bastard on Father's Day.  Granted, after two Fantasy Dates horseback riding was probably not the most considerate activity for the producers to choose.  She'd have been better off with a big bottle of cranberry juice, a giant tub of Desitin, and a well-placed bag of ice.

Speaking of sore wedding tackle, I feel horrible for Chris.  I think we all know that giving him the third Fantasy Date when Andi knew she was neither A.) Going to forego the foreplay and throw him some Courtesy Copulation in the Fantasy Suite, nor B.) Going to keep him around until the Rose Ceremony was a not so clever way of putting the exclamation point on the "He had his heart broken by Andi, but now he's returned to find love" narrative we'll hear on the ABC promos and well into the first episode of his season when he's selected as the next Bachelor.  Being forced to catch the Red eye with Blue balls is a bad way to go out.  Fleiss owes him a solid.

Let's talk about Nick.  Alright, so he's not as affable as Josh.  He's got worse hair and he's clearly uncomfortable with the format of the show.  He's done a poor job hiding his emotions and an even worse job being patient this season.  Nonetheless, Andi is clearly interested and, minus Josh and the entire production staff, he'd have a solid shot at landing her in the real world.

(Here comes the "however".)

HOWEVER, even though he made it to home plate on the Fantasy Date (or was it the dugout?), Andi has Josh on the brain (and every other part of her anatomy for that matter).  She repeatedly buys Josh's brooding invasion of her personal space as a substitution for saying anything substantive.  She giggled like a little girl at his cursory Spanish and she jumped into the Fantasy Suite faster than she jumped on that horse.

"But Josh is a former baseball player and doesn't have a job," you say?  Irrelevant.    Josh doesn't have a job but Andi certainly has some openings he could fill.  

The only difference between her horseback ride with Chris and her night with Josh was stirrups.  Nick is done.  Plain and simple.  It's all over but the boat ride, the overhead helicopter shots of her kissing Josh, and the teary-eyed limo interview with Nick.

If you've been listening carefully and reading Andi's body language the answer is as loud as the flowy silk mumu she wore on her date with Chris.  While she is clearly ATTRACTED to Marcus, Chris, and Nick she's not EXCITED by any of them.  Add in Marcus' incessant neediness and Chris' geographical handicap and those two are easy to figure out.  Again, in a vacuum, she'd date Nick.  Next to Josh, he, like Marcus and Chris before him, is simply neither as intriguing nor as risky.  She's never been bored with Josh.  That's not the case with the other three.

The bottom line is that most women will accept just about anything from men they are attracted to except boredom.  If I'm wrong about that . . . .  Nevermind, I'm not wrong about that.   That's why women will pick a funny guy over a good looking one and why someone as ugly as Mick Jagger has been pulling in models since the mid-sixties.

Moving on.  Let's discuss Andi's wardrobe.  Look, I'm no Tommy Hilfiger, but Andi's wardrobe is awful.  As I've said before, she's no Emily but she's not unattractive.  While she doesn't "do it" for me, she's a young woman with a nice figure, thick healthy hair, and good skin tone.  She's a fresh fish but she's wrapped sloppily in old newspaper most of the time.  From the horrible necklines in her Alexis Colby evening gowns to the unflattering mumu-esque silk shirts, coupled with a rat's nest for a hairstyle, she just hasn't done much to accentuate her best features--or even the ones ole Hy Dorfman paid for.

Let me clarify.  I'm a jeans and t-shirt guy.  Any girl who can look good in a regular pair of jeans and a t-shirt is far more attractive to me than a taped, tucked, Spanxxed, and plastered woman squeezed into a fancy evening gown.  Unzipping that evening gown after the big night out is like opening a can of biscuits.

My point is that if you're going to go that route--especially on live TV when you're supposed to look all angelic and marry-able--do it right.  She's shown less taste this season than Chris has shown upper lip.  Her Rose Ceremony dress last night looked like she picked it up from the tailor before he was finished with it.  Let's hope the wedding dress (I typed that with a straight face) is flattering.

Alright, like all of my posts this season, this one is short and sweet.  It looks like the big finale will feature (for a second time) yet another ex-baseball player sweating profusely on a tropical island as he makes a poor decision.  In the interim, I'll remind you that Lincee (www.ihategreenbeans.com) Ray will be a welcome guest at Mr. and Mrs. Some Guy's house for the Men Tell All show next week.  She's promised to mop the floors and clean the pool in exchange for her air conditioned room.

I've already put a temporary sign on the guest bedroom door labelled "Lair of Seclusion" and we've purchased a Pier 1 shelf on which I've placed a head shots of Chris Harrison, Ryan Gosling, and Bradley Cooper.  I'm still working on filling it with strategically placed candles and some soft blue backlighting so Lincee will feel right at home.  

Let me know what you think of my picks in the Comment section below.  Enjoy the rest of your week and I'll be in touch soon.  In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be ironing my turquoise suit.  DP

Friday, July 11, 2014

I-O-WAS Gonna Post This Week, But...

Hello Readers, 

Sorry for the big delay.  Some Guy has been on the road this week and it's been a struggle to keep up with anything else but work.  Some of you have hinted at my "billable hours," but that's not accurate. You see, Some Guy works on contingency which means that if Some Guy don't win, Some Guy don't get paid.  You can see my dilemma.  

The good news is that I haven't abandoned this season.  The better news is that thanks to some of my big shot friends across the country, I was able to obtain my own free copy of Courtney Robertson's filthy tell all book about her Bachelor season with Ben.  I'll be blogging about it upon completion.  Thank you Emily, Alica, and Molly for subjecting me . . . errrr . . . opening my eyes to such fantastic prose.  

I'll blog about the Fantasy Dates and Lincee and I are watching the Men Tell All show together, so I'll make an exception and write about that as well.  I'll post as soon as humanly possible.  Thanks, as always, for sticking around.  

Have a fantastic weekend.  Relax and drink your equivalent of a Lone Star for me.  In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be pondering the deep thoughts in Courtney's book.  DP

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Bachelorette Andi: Let's Ghent the Show on the Road

Well, folks, this might be my least productive season ever.  I’m like Andi’s hairdresser:  I show up unannounced every other week and I do a terrible job when I arrive.  I’d apologize, but who’d listen?  I appreciate the empathetic messages I get intermittently from fellow trial attorneys coming up for air and I’m also grateful for the sympathetic messages from the non-attorneys out there with busy lives of their own.  Again, if this gig put water in the pool and beer in the ‘fridge, I’d be here every day.  If and until then, we’ll all have to settle. 

Andi, Andi, Andi.  Let’s talk about Andi. 

With the exception of one reader (Mr. Ishrar) it seems that my assessment of Andi as a marginally attractive, insecure ball buster is universally shared by my audience.  Birds of a feather, I suppose.  Well, either that or she actually IS a marginally attractive, insecure ball buster.  As we say down here in Texas, that distinction is six in one, a half dozen in the other.  Put another way, a rose by any other name is still a marginally attractive, insecure, ball busting rose.  Shakespeare wrote that (sort of) so it must be true.

In light of my lack of time, this post will mirror my last Bachelorette post in that it will be more of a mish mash of my thoughts rather than a point-by-point breakdown of the episode.  

This is the part where I’m supposed to tell you that I have tons of thoughts on the last two shows, but that would be a big fat lie.  The truth is, Andi bores me to the point of catatonia and it’s like everything I can like do to like watch her like try to like fall in love or whatever.  Add the fact that the remaining dudes are more depressing than a Flemish painting, and you see my dilemma.  Still, I’m going to make fondue from this bunch of cheese balls.


Let’s go guy by guy, shall we?

Cody.  Look, I know half of you are trying to remember who Cody is while the other half of you would have forgotten him but for the big announcement that he plans to join the other “stars” on the Bachelor in Paradise.  

If you recall, an especially heartless Andi let this Neanderthal ramble on for what seemed like hours about his feelings before eventually breaking down into tears and kicking him to the curb—at dinner no less.  Cody and his deep v-neck and magical electric sport coat were relegated to a hungry, heartbroken walk of shame amongst the gorgeous Italian backdrop.  Sigh. . . .  I’ll give the guy credit for trying the hard close, but she just wasn’t ready to be convinced.    

Granted, I know she was probably goaded into silence by whatever producer stood hawkishly off camera while that blood bath was materializing, but geez.  We all know that every Bachelorette has the ability to stray from “the rules” and make an executive decision every now and then.  

Sparing a guy who—in her own words—always made her smile the abject humiliation of getting castrated in front of millions of people was probably a good reason to use her Bachelorette Rule Breaker Trump Card.  Cody was a lot of things; one of which was a nice guy.  Sure, he over tanned, frosted his thinning hair, and looked like Macklemore, but he certainly didn’t deserve the slow death she gave him.  The bad news is that he never made it to Belgium.  The even worse news is that his 15 minutes isn’t over yet. 

Nick.  I’m going to go out on a limb and say that I actually like Nick.  Sure, he’s overly talkative, annoyingly analytical, and hyper competitive.  However, in and of themselves, the aforementioned characteristics aren’t necessarily bad qualities to have.  The problem for Nick is that he’s stuck in the middle of a 10 week sword fight with a bunch of intellectually inferior alpha males, all of whom are rightfully threatened by his presence. 

Can anyone point to anything this guy has done “wrong” this season?  From where I’m sitting I see a self-assured guy doing everything he can to win the affections of a girl he appears to like.  Now, whether he likes her because she’s currently verboten or because he’s into sloppily maintained former prosecutors remains to be seen, but he’s out playing the rest of the field and they all know it.  Between Farmer Chris’ incessant whining and Basketball Brian’s nonsensical accusations of gamesmanship, I had no time to write jokes about Nick’s scarf. 

Clearly, Andi is interested.  He earned the group date rose in Babe Ruth-esque fashion by calling his home run shot very early in the date.  I will admit that he gives off a creepy Buffalo Bill Gumb vibe, but I’ll chalk that up to a sense of urgency rather than any diagnosable psychological disorder.  


However, if we find out from his Milwaukee hometown that he’s basically a loner with maternal abandonment issues, an abusive father, and had a tendency to torture the family dog, I’ll change my mind.  Andi puts the lotion in the basket or she gets the hose again. 

Farmer Chris.  I like this guy less and less each week.  My guess is that Andi feels the same way.  The best exchange in next week’s hometowns based on the previews occurs when Andi knowingly asks Chris while sitting in an Iowa cornfield, “what would I do for work out here?”  His response—a classic, by the way—“there’s an opportunity to be a homemaker.”  Translation:  I’m not moving from Atlanta to Iowa.  Nice chatting with you. 

Incidentally, I think we’d all agree that there’s nothing wrong with being a homemaker in Iowa—or anywhere else for that matter—provided both parties are on board.  Andi is just not on board.  Frankly, I think if given the choice she’d rather take her chances at being fattened up and having her flesh turned into a swatch by serial killer Nick than land squarely on her feet in the middle of Iowa.  Say what you will about sociopaths but they’re never boring to be around.  Farmers from Iowa on the other hand . . . .

Basketball Brian.  Is there any doubt that he was kept around by Andi because he’s a nice guy?  Is there any doubt that he was eliminated for the same reason?  He made a good showing despite engaging in some unnecessary whining with Dylan about Nick’s “strategy.”  He was likely over Andi by the time Belgian Air flight 353 touched down in Allentown, Pennsylvania. He’ll be married to the Home Ec teacher inside of a year. 

Dylan.  To say he’s had a rough couple of years in his life would be an understatement.  In light of that, I’ll forgive his haircut and wish him well.  It’s regretful that that the only real burst of personality we saw out of him all season occurred in the final segment of the show while he chased Basketball Brian around with a pickle.  As weird as that was, perhaps if he had shown Andi his pickle he’d still be around. 

Josh M.  He’s literally the only dude who refused to fawn over Andi like a fat kid over one of those oversized, circular, rainbow colored lollipops you win at the carnival.  It’s abundantly clear that she buys his low-key former jock act on every level.  The previews seem to foretell some tension between Andi and the Fam Damily next week.  If any of you think that will make a damn bit of difference, you’re delusional.  He’s going to the Fantasy Suite where he’ll hit the biggest home run of his former baseball career. 

Marcus.  Be honest, ladies.  Does Marcus’ incessant, insecure, unapologetic, and unrelenting fawning really make him attractive?  “Grow a pair, dude,” was all I could think as he was talking to—no, begging—Andi to choose him.  If desperation was Rogaine the guy would have a full head of hair in no time.  Andi seemed to eat it up, however.  Whatever gets you the next level, I guess. 

Let me clarify for the sake of my own edification.  I’m not suggesting that a “real man” has to keep his feelings close to his scarf and v-neck.  Indeed, real men don’t wear v-necks and scarves.  However, I think women appreciate confidence.  Nick’s “I can feel that you have feelings for me” speech last night was an example.  Granted, it was manipulative and presumptuous, but it told Andi that he’s there to close the deal.  Marcus seemed to flounder around his playpen in a soggy diaper tripping over his stuffed animals.

So where do we go from here? 

I’d be willing to bet that Nick and Josh are the final two.  The hometown will spell Chris’ demise and Marcus won’t out macho Nick or Josh in the final three.  Who wins?  Josh.  Hands down. 

Well, there it is.   As we head in to hometowns next week we’ve got the big Fourth of July holiday weekend ahead of us.  I, for one, will be relaxing by the pool with a cold Lone Star in hand before enjoying the fireworks.  All a person has to do these days is turn on the news to see that the fact that we have the choice to voluntarily subject ourselves to the televised tail hunt known as The Bachelorette rather than running away from bombs and machetes makes us incredibly lucky.  

Take a moment to realize that this weekend.  Enjoy yourselves, travel safely, and I’ll see you back here next week.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be chasing people around with my pickle.   DP