Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Final Episode Bachelorette Andi: Nick Rules

Hello, Readers.  

Well, well, well, I think we'd all agree on the absolute best moment of this season or any other season. . . EVER. . . was the first hand, on-air confirmation that Andi had indeed been stuffed and pounded like Pollo Rollatino (on TV) by three guys in as many months.  I hate to pile on.  Well, no I don't.  I'm hitting the 1 minute clock and I'm going to type every slut insult I can think of.  You can't argue she hasn't earned it.  

Here we go.  

She's like an on ramp, for crying out loud.  

Staahhhhp, is apparently a word she uses only outside the bedroom.  

Her private parts apparently went public.  

Now that the season is over she's going to have to reintroduce her knees to one another.  

She's given more rides than Greyhound.    

The Statue of Liberty has had fewer men inside of her

She has stretch marks on her cheeks

Instead of a lock they should have installed a credit card reader on the Fantasy Suite door

Andi is not as popular as her vagina is

Andi has taken more loads this season than the fat guy in the hat who helped Roz pack her sh*t

"We the People" in the Declaration of Independence doesn't refer to her sex partners

Michelangelo spent less time on his back

AAAANNNDDD Finally . . . .

If this was Star Wars, she'd be cast as Princess Lay-ya


Alright, I'll staaahhhhp.   


Now, I know what a lot of you are thinking.  "Nick's an a*shole.  How dare he. . . ".  Whatever.  Frankly, it's nice to see our heretofore virginal Bachelorette face the music.  If you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences, Andi.  That's a lesson lost on any member of Andi's generation.  

My only regret is that Nick went with "made love" and didn't use a profane word to describe what really happened in the suite or that he didn't make up some unforgettably crude euphemism to memorialize it. 




Can you imagine?  I, like, just, like (insert boneless neck lean on the couch pillow) can't, like, believe that you, like, let me pork you until the sun came up.

On a side note.  I think it's apparent that Ashley and JP can't use the term "porking."  That's a little mixed marriage humor for you folks.  I'll be here all week.  Annnyyyhoooo....  

OR

Why, like, did you, like book a one way ticket on the beef bus to Tunatown?  

Yea, I'm not messing around this week, am I?  And neither was Nick.  Word on the street is that he hates Josh.  What better way to  vent publicly than with the "I slept with your fiancé" smack?  I'll commend him on his subtle delivery.  I'd commend Josh on not reacting, but I honestly don't think he cared.    

It's the finale and I have to go out with a bang . . . or in Andi's case, three bangs.  Can you imagine if Chris and Marcus would have stuck around?  By the time she got Josh in the Fantasy Suite it would have been like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.  Alright, I'll stop beating a dead cat.    


Ironically, Andi spent most of the last few shows in this position

Some of you have stopped reading in horror, some of you are wiping the tears from your eyes, and some of you are writing these down to use them on your friends later this evening.  You're welcome.   

Let's get to the run down, shall we? 

First, let me comment about my watching party last week with Lincee (www.ihategreenbeans.com) Ray who was a wonderful house guest, by the way.  Granted, she did make off with the guest room soap, but that was well worth her company.  I think she's still ashamed at herself for laughing as hard as she did at some of the inappropriate, unprintable comments that came out of my mouth during the show.  She's probably even more ashamed for (allegedly) making a few of her own.  

By the way, speaking of inappropriate, did anyone find the baseless character assassination of Andrew in light of the fact that there was no objective evidence to substantiate the Douche-a-preneur's accusation of a "racist" comment a new low?  

I didn't find Andrew particularly intriguing but I do believe those accusations are having a profound effect in the real world for him.  In my humble, white guy opinion, ABC's selection of Barry White theme music for Marquel during the Bach in Paradise previews last night was more offensive than what Andrew didn't say on a hot mic.  It appears that Marquel is a pretty popular guy on that cesspool of a show.  Good for that guy.  At least he won't have to wait in line like Josh did.  Boom.   

Moving on. 

I've been "the boyfriend" more times than I care to admit in my life.  I've sent flowers, given rides to the airport, acted like Valentine's Day is a legitimate, meaningful holiday, and even attended a Farmer's Market or two.  Never once have I showed up to meet a girl's parents in a sweat drenched silk shirt unbuttoned to my manhood.  How unimpressed did Hy look?  The look of horror covered up by tight-lipped feigned interest on Andi's Mom's face was priceless.  

"Suddenly this loud man shows up sweating and telling us over and over how hot and nervous he is."  Classic.  The look on ole Hy Dorfman's face when Josh asked for his daughter's hand in marriage didn't exactly scream enthusiasm.  

In fact, with the sound off, it looked more like he was struggling to hold a gas problem after too much beer and pizza.  I'm sure this was running through his head while he was pretending (poorly) to like Josh.


DO JEW MIND EEF I MARRY JOUR DAW-TOOR?  EES OK.


It was apparent that he'd been given "The Talk" by the remaining Dorfman's anxious to drink free milk from the ABC mammary glands.  

I can hear Mrs. Dorfman now. 

"Oh, Hy, he's not Mexican or Dominican Republican or whatever like that Juan Carlos was.  He's from Atlanta.  It's a free trip to Puerto Rico or whatever.  It's not like she's going to marry him.  Ees Ok."  

And so it went.  I can't decide who had the worst wardrobe this season.  Andi always looked like she bought a size 14 because TJ Maxx was out of a size 8 but it's ok because it will totally look cute on, especially if I pair it with shorts that are a few sizes too small.  

Nick looked like he had a secret V-neck and Members Only endorsement locked up before the season and Josh, wow.  Let's talk about Josh's suit.  My best guess is that he got sized for that thing prior to eating, drinking, and lying around luxury hotels for 11 weeks.  My next best guess is that his real suit got lost and he was forced to borrow Harrison's suit.  My third best guess is that he washed that thing in scalding hot water.  Either way, it was a horrible fit.  He should have tried on a couple more before settling on that one.  You know, like Andi did.  

Well, there it is, my brief rundown of a boring season.  As always, I'll sincerely wish the happy new couple the best.  After all, I don't have to live with either one of them and they have to live with each other.  The Atlanta connection is a definite plus, as is the superficiality.  They'll do well for a while.  

Let's see if they stay together long enough for him to knock her up so she can go on next season's Men Tell All and show off her cans like Ashley did.  Did you see those things?  They were bigger than her forehead for crying out loud.  I couldn't tell if she was pregnant or just stealing a couple of hams. 

As for Nick.  Well, he'll do fine in spite of his (understandable) cheap shot.  Lionel Ritchie once said, "no one ever wrote a love song in the back of a limousine."  Well, my friends, I'll submit to you that Lionel Ritchie was never shit canned from the Bachelorette.  

THANK YOU.  ALL of you for being patient and kind this season. My life is busy and hectic and it's always a pleasure to write when I can.  Stay tuned in the off season.  

Thanks to some rabidly loyal and super fancy fans of Lincee and me, I've obtained my very own free copy of Courtney Robertson's book "I Didn't Come Here to Make Friends."  Sure, she didn't write it, but I'm going to read it anyway and write a review.  God help me.  At least there are no lovesick vampires or pouting, buck toothed heroines to worry about.  Thank you Molly, Emily, and Alicia for pulling those strings.  For you fans of The View, tune in on Thursday.  Believe it or not Emily is guest hosting.  Slap that Elizabeth Hasselhoff on the rear end for me, will you?  And tell her I loved her dad on Baywatch.  

A special thanks to my (and Mrs. Some Guy's) dear friend, Lincee Ray.  You're one of the most decent people I've ever met.  That  counts more than you realize.  Congrats on Entertainment Weekly and whatever lies beyond the daily grind you bravely left behind. 

To quote the young boy, Lucius, after he speaks with Maximus in Gladiator, "I like you Spaniard.  I shall cheer for you."


Lucius



Lincee Ray

Take care of yourselves in the off season.  Check in every now and then.  In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be getting my suit taken in. . . while drinking a Lone Star.  DP







36 comments:

  1. Just got the following comment:

    Careful Some Guy - I didn't think Nick was an asshole for saying it - if you do it, be prepared to talk about it - but I don't like the slut comments for a women when they'd get a high five if it was a guy. You crack me up and I don't think you're a chauvinist pig or anything (you're mostly a gentleman disguised by hilarious comments!), but I wanted to point it out. High five to Andi for getting some action pre-engagement. :) And high five to Nick for not letting her get his "hot dog" without making it public.


    My thoughts:

    First, the beauty of having my own blog is that I don't have to "be careful." Second, I've never judged that behavior--male or female--in this blog. I've been equally harsh on bachelor's too. Third, I don't think a man would get a high five on this show for sleeping with all three women over the course of two seasons. The audience, in general, would find that a bit extreme. Fourth, thanks for the comment. I see your point. I just don't agree. DP

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  2. That slew of slut jokes had me in stitches! I wish you would share your thoughts on that crazy chick that forced herself on Chris in Men Tell All, though.

    I think Andi and Josh have a better shot than a snowball's chance in hell. Living in the same city is bound to be a plus, and they're both shallow, vapid, and self-centered. So much in common!

    I always enjoy reading your blog, so I'll miss the recaps as I watch the token drama unfold on Bachelor in Paradise. Cheers!

    Z

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  3. From one extreme to the other. That's why I love all the readers. Glad you enjoyed it. DP

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  4. Loved the post and season recap. I'll never look at Schrödinger's cat the same way again! Had the exact same thoughts with Josh's suit. Thanks for the witty one liners as always. I'm planning to use this one at work, "with the sound off, it looked more like he was struggling to hold a gas problem after too much beer and pizza." THANK YOU for posting, it's a pleasure to read and much appreciated!

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  5. Some Guy, I'm sorry but Andi is a slut, and you did make me wipe my eyes laughing! I especially enjoyed your take on Hy and whatever his wife's name is when meeting the guys. They might as well have thrown up their hands with an "oh good Lord..."
    I wanted to squirt Josh with a spray bottle to make him shut up and calm down like we used to do with our puppy and I think Nick is whiney and just a bit off but I still like him! Btw I really like how you and Lincee have such a cute mutual admiration society- I wish I knew you guys but thanks for the many laughs!

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    1. You do know us, Meg. That's the best part about this. Thanks for reading. DP

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  6. That Hy Dorfman is a tough guy. The look on his face, especially when he met Josh, was like "Are you kidding me?" Totally agree with you on Josh's outfit to meet the parents. I have not been a fan of his because he is too loud and a jock, just not my type. And what about the suit he wore to the finale? At least 3 sizes too small! The jacket was so tight I thought it was going to pop at the seams, and the pants were a few inches too short. Doesn't he own a proper fitting suit?
    I like Nick and felt bad for him getting so crushed at the end. You called Andi a ball buster a few weeks ago, you were right on the money. I think the Andi we saw with Nick at After the final rose is more the true Andi. Kind of feel sorry for Josh if she ever gets ticked off at him. But in a way they deserve each other.
    You had me cracking up with your slut jokes, but then I always enjoy your humor.
    Can't wait to read your review of Courtney's book because I am not going to read it. Glad you will be taking care of that for us. What a guy!

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  7. SG, you're one liners had me laughing. Love your humor...and insights. Lots of chatter over what Nick said. While, it seemed he was either trying not to or staging his pain for the right moment, I found it shockingly bold and didn't have a problem with him exposing the nitty gritty of the night. At that point, Andi sure put on an immediate "attack" face. That was priceless - she could dish it out but not take it (at least on air). Seems a bit ironic, too, that Josh comes on and paws her to death and declares he's "working on getting her pregnant!" Yes, America, Andi is (read one-liners in blog).... I'm wondering if Josh had to throw that one in there as a hit to Nick that he is the one knocking it out of the park. Boys will be boys in competition, of all sorts. Some Guy, it's you that needs to write a book. I'm sure there's a book signing opportunity in every State from your many loyal readers and admirers.

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    1. your not you're (my typo)!!!!!

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    2. In my business, truth is an absolute defense to defamation. What Nick said was true. Josh said it was "classless." I'll submit to you that I think it's far more "classless" to sleep with a dude you know you're booting to the curb before you sleep with the dude you know you're keeping around. The truth stings. She lead him on and dumped him on national TV. He asked a legitimate question on a show she consented to be on. She can't cry foul. DP

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  8. Are you going to blog Bachelor in Paradise? (please say yes, please say yes)
    Thanks for the great season. You did a great job with what you had to work with!

    Marti in Dallas

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    1. Thank you, Marti. Unfortunately, I don't think I can make myself watch BIP. I'll post regularly in the off season, though. DP

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  9. Entertaining as always. If I were Andi (and thank God I am not) I would have tried on Chris before trying on that whiney little scarf and capri wearing Nick. Talk about horrible clothing choices!

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    1. IamDerby, You have a gift for brevity. And yes, Nick's wardrobe often left me scratching my head. Capri pants don't exactly scream Alpha Male, do they?

      DP

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  10. DP..that was THE best review ever..thank you! And the best line:

    "He should have tried on a couple more before settling on that one. You know, like Andi did.". Just so perfect!

    Both you and Lincee are amazing!

    Take good care
    Dianne in Toronto, ON

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    1. Dianne, thanks for the feedback from Canada. You're too kind. I'm happy one of my more clever attempts at humor won out over the blatantly crude ones. DP

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  11. Glad to see you back -missed you on the Men Tell All. What a crock that was to have an ultrasound on "live" TV as if anybody cared about JP and Ashley at this point but anything to fill the time slot goes I guess.
    Nick seemed uncomfortable in a social situation-the way he always looked down spoke volumes about how inept he socially. Doubt his blurting out about what happened in the fantasy suite will endear him to women who might have wanted to meet him. That was a good way to put down Andi but also classless in my opinion.
    Thanks for the one liners and can't wait to hear the synopsis of Courtney's book -thank you for taking it for the team to read that.
    Sal in Utah

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    1. Sal, we finally disagree. I think it was a legit question. I also think she knew it was coming which is why she dodged him before the show. Also, I disagree about the other women being put off by it. Consenting adults can do what they want. If a woman has a clear conscience about sleeping with a guy, she shouldn't care if he admits sleeping with her to other people. Andi was embarrassed by the truth. The only way that can happen is if she doesn't like the truth to begin with.

      I agree about JP and Ashley. I guess Ryan and Trista were booked. DP

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  12. DP- I agree wholeheartedly with you on the entire situation. I really appreciate your recaps, but like your off season post more. Can't wait for them.
    Paula in Sacramento

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    1. At least I'll have one reader over the next few months. Thanks. DP

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  13. Love your recaps! Very funny, and I look forward to your take on Courtney's book. Thanks for taking one for the team.

    I kinda felt bad for Nick, and I didn't really like the persona they showed us for most of the season. I wondered if she slept with him for one last "try before you buy" elimination round, or what? There can't be too many guys that think "that's fiancee stuff," so knowing how he felt (and she did) that really set him up for a hard fall.

    BTW, didn't she only sleep with 2 guys? She sent Chris home before the fantasy suite.

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    1. She slept with 2 guys THIS SEASON. Remember she was on Juan Pablo's season which wrapped up a month before her season began shooting. She slept with him in the Fantasy Suite. DP

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    2. Honestly, do we know for a fact that she "slept" with all 3? It really is possible that they did not.

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  14. If there's any double standard, it's MORE supportive of women sleeping around then men on this show. Remember how everyone cheered for Claire and thought it was so wonderful that she stood up for herself (which she clearly is still milking from her comment at the live finale)? Nick actually did this in a much classier way, and I agree he had every right to ask a simple question.

    We love you DP! Why the hell hasn't bachelor production figured out many fans are only still around so we can read your (and Lincee's) hilarious blogs? You should be paid!

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    1. Nicole, Amen. Thank you. Feel free to mail me a check! DP

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  15. Eagerly awaited your final remarks and as usual you were right on! Who cares if she did or didn't sleep with the whole cast! Doesn't affect me at all but might make it a little more difficult to find a PERMANENT replacement for Josh after they have thoroughly used up their 15 minutes of fame.
    B in NY
    Looking forward to your off season posts, they are so funny. I especially love the ones about your wild youth!

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    1. B, I'm running out of G Rated childhood stories. I might have to scrub some of the R rated ones and post them. DP

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    2. Don't bother scrubbing.......at my age nothing you say will shock me!
      B in NY again

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  16. I'm glad to see we agree so wholeheartedly about the finale of this ridiculous season. All those people on the inter-web saying horrible things about Nick and Praising Andi were making me want to quit the inter-web. Thank God for some guy who gets it!

    And you owe us a Wedding from Some Guy's viewpoint off-season post. You promised.

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  17. I don't care for either Andi or Josh, but they do seem perfect for each other. Ultimately, I think they will milk the relationship publicly for as long as they can, and then end it. Time will tell.

    Meg: Your comment was perfect! Especially concerning Josh's rambling. I couldn't watch; I just wanted him to stop. Everything out of his mouth sounds more like a sales pitch than genuine feelings.

    Some Guy: As always, I appreciate your observations. One comment on that though.... On the Bachelor in Paradise previews, please tell me you noticed the "hands down" comment on the voice over with Sarah on the screen. Classic! All I could think was, "I hope Some Guy noticed that!" Thank you for fitting in time for this blog.

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    1. I did not see the hands down thing. Man oh man.

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  18. "throwing a hot dog down a hallway" Best. Line. Ever.

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  19. He should have tried on a couple more before settling on that one. You know, like Andi did.
    omg ... too good! Reading this late, but loved every second. When I get used to my new line of work, maybe I can read the blog in real time!

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