Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Episode 4: Claire Starts with “C” and So Does Crazy

Hello, Readers.   You know me well enough to know that I’d apologize for my dereliction of duty last week if I needed to, but I just can't say that I consciously neglected anything.  It was more of an issue of prioritization.  Unfortunately, The Bachelor fell toward the bottom of last week’s Stuff I Have to Do List.  If that upset any of you, I’m sorry.  On the up side, I didn’t commit legal malpractice.  Trade offs.  At any rate, we have some Juan Pablo to discuss.  As always, I’ll attempt to wrest meaning from this nonsense.  Let’s get to it. 

Speaking of dereliction of duty, Harrison makes an early appearance in some ill-fitting plaid number reminiscent of the J.C. Penney Boys' Department circa 1983. Between that shirt and Juan Pablo’s Yellow and Red pants I’m beginning to wonder if the entire ABC Wardrobe Department isn’t on strike.  Perhaps they’re holding out for a bigger Neil Lane Zales Jewelry employee discount.  Their leader—and I have no doubt about this—is that fat guy in the leather hat who helped Roz pack her sh*t after she (allegedly) cheated on Jake at his own cocktail party. 

As an aside: I was speaking to my friend Lincee (www.ihategreenbeans.com) Ray the other day about my favorite Bachelor moment of all time.  Hands down, it is when Roz cheated on Jake at his own freaking cocktail party and Jake, literally tearing up like he was on a balcony at the Austin Town Lake Hyatt, blurts out, “Get me Chris Harrison.”  It doesn’t get more Amazing than that.  Second place?  Gia (God rest her soul) Alleman’s “you can eat my salmon.”  Back to Juan Pablo.

Harrison and his 10 pound Neil Lane inspired watch drop the 2 group 1 individual date rules and he exits to go get fitted for a gray suit.  The hens are excited about leaving the hen house but collectively stare at each other like confused school children when Harrison mentions Seoul.   

Sharleen is only one who knows not only WHERE South Korea is located, but that there IS a South Korea. They let out a collective squeal after resigning to trust Sharleen’s geographical acumen (that means she knows where like whole countries are and stuff).   God help us all.     

This season’s thorn in our side, Claire, actually refers to South Korea as a “new place” before lamenting the fact that she owns no kimono.  I’d be willing to bet that whatever Dynasty was digging ditches and building infrastructure on the Korean Peninsula around 2300 B.C. would beg to differ with the hairdresser from Sacramento.  Lest you accuse me of taking that comment out of context, please re-watch the tape.  She’s clearly an idiot.      

ABC assures the rest of us that South Korea is within flying distance of Los Angeles with its giant plane off the continent graphic.  The girls treat us to in-flight Go Pro footage in order to pass the time.   We cut to a pre-arrived Juan Pablo strolling around Seoul searching for a place to shower before purchasing several pairs of multicolored denim skinny jeans to accent his earth toned hoodie collection.    

Andi reminds us that Harrison has spoken and the girls run around like fools when they arrive at the Rainman Suite in the local Hilton Resort.

Date card.  Nikki wants a one-on-one and, as we’ll soon learn, it’s clear that the girl time and air miles are getting on her last nerve. 

Chelsie, Cassandra, Danielle, Elise, Kat, Nikki.  Group Date.  “POP” Juan Pablo.  Nikki and her Ubiquitous 30 foot scarf lament the group date.  “Eyes on the prize Nikki.  Eyes on the prize,” I said sipping my first Lone Star.  I know, I’m usually 3 in by now but my little skiing vacation set me back a few steps.  Not 12 Steps, mind you, but a few steps nonetheless.   

Juan Pablo tells the girls that he’ll be meeting them at some studio whose name he can’t pronounce for some K-pop music, whatever that is.  Look, I know that Latin guys from Miami love “den-sing” with the ladies, but I’ve had enough of this shit and it’s only the 4th show.  If I want to hear Spanish dance music, I’ll get in my car and drive by a residential construction site, for crying out loud.  My suspicion was that K-Pop is the Korean version of that garbage.  We get it.  He’s spicy.  He’s Latin.  He loves the forbidden dances (all of them).  I never thought I’d long for a rappelling date but there I was.  Sigh.     

Elise pines away in the limo oblivious that, thanks for a well-timed “discovery” of a soft core porn she did “when she was young and needed the money,” her teacher job is in jeopardy.  Nikki makes herself less attractive by whining the first of many whines this week.  Remember my pre-show analysis:  If she’s not crazy she’ll be a Fantasy Suite finalist.

Juan Pablo meets the ladies in pink shoes and skinny jeans at _____?   Again, I couldn’t understand what the name of the place was because he can’t pronounce it in English how it’s supposed to be pronounced in Korean.

2NE1 (very clever), the Korean Spice Girls, are this year’s Jabberwockies (‘member them?)  Although they are from South Korea, they talk like they’re from Brooklyn. 

The girls Changey Crose into their solo outfits and Nikki complains  while Kat shows off her current dance moves, Cassandra utilizes some of her former NBA dance moves, and Juan Pablo makes a fool of himself in red jeans and some kind of Hurt Locker bomb squad vest.  2NE1 Sucks.   

By the way, how grateful are Ryan and Trista they got in early?  Annyyyhooo. . .

Date rose on the table post 2NE1 party. Kat, wants to show her serious side but in the meantime elects to show him the top sides of her boobs . . . both of them.  The Date Rose sits there being anxiously coveted by all of the women who squirm, pregnant with anticipation like Cassandra’s post NBA Western Conference Finals After Party EPT Test Strip. 

The Kattiness starts (see what I did there?).  They all lay into Kat for some reason.  Granted, she was annoying at the dance thing, but she seems generally alright.  The jet lag must be a bitch.   Kat leads with this season’s my dad’s an alcoholic asshole talk.  He had 7 DWI’s, lived with his parents, never paid her “strong” mother support, etc.  We’ve heard this one before. In short, she has significant Daddy issues.  

Hmm.  Imagine that.  A hot, hyper competitive twenty-something raised by a single mother and abandoned by her father with something to prove.  I believe those actual criteria are present on every major pharmaceutical company sales rep. application in the form of a yes/no interrogatory.   Run, Juan Pablo.  Run as fast as your red jeans will carry you.   

Surprisingly, Nikki starts to fumble the ball.   Perhaps “Aunt Flo” made the trip to South Korea with her, I wondered.  After watching the whole date it was clear that “Aunt Heavy Flo” stowed away in Nikki’s carry on bag.  Good Lord was she bitchy.

Despite the meltdown Juan Pablo drops a very telling “how do you feel about Camilla”--- in perfect English, no less.  Nice recovery, Nikki.  Aunt Flo will return to the states in a few days.  Hang in there. 

Date Card:  Clare and one of her turquoise statement necklaces read it. 

Sharleen:  are you my Seoulmate?  Juan Pablo. 

As the rest of the broads lament the group date, Juan Pablo shows up in another ridiculous outfit.  He changes more than Danielle’s hairstyle, for God’s sake.  Nikki and her stress pimple get the date rose.  BOOM. 

Elise tells us that she wouldn’t have Nikki around Camilla because of her negativity.  What about soft core porn and daddy issues?  I sincerely hope that y’all appreciate the irony that the video she made in order to be famous has finally made her famous for something she’d rather not be famous for.   I love it.   

“Wheel you assept these rose?”   Nikki 2  Elise 0. 

Sharleen Date.  

Juan Pablo showers in South Korea for what felt like a time longer than that 2NE1 “song” at the Mall.  Sharleen gets ready in her kimono-like outfit in an attempt to (apparently) maximize her Asian Persuasion.

Worse than that kimono thing, Sharleen dons a black onesie with hose and heels.  I couldn’t figure out if she was going on a 1 on 1 date or trying out for the Rockettes.  Good Lord.  Even I know that outfit was awful.  Hose and heels to hop around South Korea?    

Oddly enough, that wasn’t the dumbest outfit on the date.  Juan Pablo shows up in Yellow pants and a hoodie?  Is he a member of 2NE1?  

They frolic.  She sings (sort of).  Juan Pablo tells us that she is “Especial.”  Sharleen—who is chloroform on screen, by the way,--tips her hand.  She HATES kids and the prospect of a tiny person gestating in her uterus and having to be pushed out of her body through her vagina is worse than anything she could possibly imagine. 

“Es naught ee-see to have a kid,” Juan Pablo concedes.  Perhaps it was the accent but I couldn’t discern if he was referring to the actual possession of a child or the part about squeezing one out through one’s vagina.  Regardless, Sharleen proves that honesty is the best policy and Juan Pablo is too nice to send a date home.  At least it got her a rose. 

Group Date.  Let’s get Krazy in Korea.  I’m going to skip over this nonsense quickly.  Karaoke.  Nikki should be glad that she missed that part.    

Dr. Fish Zone.  Fish manicure.  Claws come out.  Claire cock blocks everyone (figuratively, of course).

Renee continues to be normal.  She moves in for the kees.  Juan Pablo inexplicably holds back from the kees.  The guy is more inconsistent than Cassandra’s EPT Test Results a day after the NBA Western Conference Finals After Party.    

Andi and JP have one on one.   That goes well.  They bust each other’s balls.  Andi believes that it’s “crazy” that they’re in South Korea.  No, Andi.  North Korea would be crazy.  South Korea is just a place with horrible music and octopus food stands. 

Lauren moves in for a drunk kees but JP shuts it down because he has a daughter.  He’s not an equal opportunity keeser, is he? Lauren cries about it. 

Lauren melts down in lobby.  Juan Pablo puts us at ease in his electric blue V-neck.  Lauren drops “right reasons” first time in season. 

Andi and Kelly do a GREAT Juan Pablo and Claire impression.  Eye take back all of the Eye jokes about Kelly.  Eye was clearly wrong about her.  In all seriousness, I believe I said she appears to have a good sense of humor.  She does and I was glad to see that Andi has a fun side besides the controlling one we saw in the nude photo shoot episode.  That part actually made me laugh.  Kelly’s “that’s the most I’ve had to eat in two weeks” crack about Claire was priceless.  That’s so much better to watch than the usual abject back biting that goes on constantly on this show.  Props to her.  Eye Salute you, Kelly.  Nice work. 

Claire gets some one on one and proceeds to squeeze the bunny a la Lenny in Of Mice and Men as she “comfort zones” Juan Pablo to death.  Do people have hair in Miami cause I could totally move there from Sacramento and cut hair?  It’s totally out of my Comfort Zone.  At that point, I wished she would stick it up her comfort zone and shut up.

Nikki and Claire square off with Kelly in the middle but Kelly drops the “crazy” on her before she ducks out.   Again, nice work.  She’s apparently had an eye on Claire for some time. Claire continues to look like Kristin Bell and wear various turquoise statement necklaces. 

She judges Nikki who responds with the best line ever.  “You’re not handing out the roses.”  Indeed she’s not.  Total Burn.  

Harrison enters. 

Harrison sets up ancient royal palace and the Rose Ceremony commences. 

1.         Nikki
2.         Sharleen
3.         Andi  
4.         Renee
5.         Chelsie
6.         Kelly
7.         Danielle (way under the radar)
8.         Cassandra
9.         Allison
10.       Claire
11.       Kat

Elise—Former 1st Grade Teacher
Lauren—Insecure but nice girl from Austin.  One mistake killed her. 

Now we know why the Elise soft porn story was leaked when it did.  Nice timing, ABC Secret Intern in Charge of Clandestine Leaks.  Lauren was embarrassed but will thank God she got booted for crying and not for whoring it up in a Cinemax Sunday Night Movie. 

Juan Pablo toasts the ladies who have assepted these roses and announces a trip to Vietnam.

Well, there it is.  We head into Episode 5 with 11 finalists remaining.  We shall see what happens.  Take care.   Until next week, if you need me I’ll be shopping for multicolored denim skinny jeans in a hoodie while listening to the Spice Girls.  DP


Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Bachelor Juan Pablo Episode 3: Balls to the Face

Hello, Readers.  Some Guy is still in Colorado but I'm working today instead of skiing.  Obligations aside, it's been a great trip so far.  My thanks to my dear friends Mike and Heather for hosting a Bachelor watching party at their house last night (Lone Star Beer included) so I did not miss the big show.  

The post will be up tomorrow.  Thanks for being patient.  In the meantime, rumor is that the First Grade Teacher Elise "forgot" to mention a soft core porn video that she took part in a while back.  Uh Oh.  I actually just watched it.  Frankly, it's not much different than what happens on the Bachelor while the girls are kicking it  at the mansion.  It's not even remotely filthy.  In fact, if you turn up the volume it's hysterical.  You think she'll regret that decision when her principal gets wind of it and she's run out of whatever elementary school can't Google it's applicant's names before making a hiring decision?  That Google search should be enough to keep y'all busy until I return to my beloved Austin.  

Please assept my apologies for being late.  If you need me, I'll be playing soccer in my pee-YAH-mas.

Breckenridge Rules!  


Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Bachelor Juan Pablo Episode 2: The Brazilian Gets (W)axed

Hello, Folks.  I’m a little edgy today for a host of reasons.  The good news for you is that my current attitude usually makes for some good blog fodder.  The bad news is that my MacBook Air could be thrown against the wall at any minute thereby putting an abrupt halt to the aforementioned good fodder.  We’ll see how it goes. Let’s get right to it.  

Note:  No pictures this week.  I'm swamped at work.  Sorry.  

The Amazing count increased a whopping 200% to 15 this episode.  Granted, that’s a predictable move at this phase of the season but it’s still a significant jump.  In fact, I checked to make sure the Fed wasn’t buying Amazings on the side to artificially inflate the count.  (For you non-economists out there, that’s a little stock market humor.  Poor humor, yes.  But humor nonetheless). 

The Journey count was a mere blip on the radar, only increasing by one to 6.  Again, predictable since we’re still stuck at the mansion and therefore still mired in our figurative journey.  We’ll see a bigger hit in the following weeks when we begin the literal journey beyond the confines of the mansion walls.  The count, of course, is subject to the yet-to-be determined “Aventura Effect.”  Much like gravity in Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, it may have the effect of distorting the direction and speed of the Journey count.  

J = AD2 (Journey Count = Amazing Count X Aventura Count squared).  We’ll see.  

First off, nice editing.  Was the guy with the key to the editing machine on lunch break when they put the first 20 minutes of the show together?  Was I the only one who swore and then reversed my DVR twice because:

A.   There was no Harrison.  Where the f*ck was Harrison?   It’s incredible to me that I bust this show’s balls every week complaining about the redundancy of Harrison’s lead ins but the one time they cut that part out of the show I’m more lost than a drunk Brazilian wandering around a strange hotel; and

B.    The Mysterious Clare Date Card was alluded to twice but never read?

At any rate, Clare apparently got the first mano-a-mano.  Let’s discuss. 

Clare  One-on-One Date

We begin, as always, at the Mansion.  Kelly’s dog in the pool but don’t worry, I’m sure she kept one eye on him the entire time for his safety.  Yes, I’m going to joke about the lazy eye.  You’re welcome. 

Alli, Cassandra, and Chantel gossip in casual poolside attire about the coveted 1st date while Clare primps in the mirror.  She tells us that she doesn’t do bars or online dating.  Why would she?  That would be ridiculous.  

Certainly, flying across the world for 30 days with a Venezuelan stranger simultaneously dating 25 other women in hopes of getting engaged after he sleeps with at least two of them is a less risky proposition than meeting someone for coffee after a few playful emails.  Whatever. 

Juan Pablo shows up in “his” electric car.  Incidentally, I looked at the Tesla a few months back.  I’m neither a sports car guy nor an electric car guy but curiosity led me into the dealership.  It’s 100 grand.  For the time being, I’ll stick to my gas guzzling, fancy German sedan.  Please don’t judge.    

The “ladies” imbibe giant early morning glasses of wine while kicking it at the mansion and collectively pining for Juan Pablo.  He shows up in an outfit that he clearly snuck past the Wardrobe Department.  For crying out loud nothing fit him.  He was dressed like a 7 year old.

He blindfolds Clare and puts her in the front seat.  Kidnappings are all the rage in South America these days.  Why not bring the joy of motion sickness and abject fear of indefinite imprisonment to the good ole US of A?  They head out to a mysterious location for a date that “he planned.”  They sled, frolic in the fake snow, and do a lot of fake cuddling for the cameras.

“He’s amazing.  He’s funny.  Blah blah blah,”  and every other cliché oozes from Clare’s pores like puke from a drunk Brazilan’s mouth after a rooftop cocktail party Chardonnay binge.  

They ice skate and she continues to look like Kristin Bell and he continues to not speak English before she gives him a creepy back rub in the hot tub (jets off, of course) while making him tense with her ranting about how he can never live up to her dad’s example and how her spirit was crushed by other men.  

He looked less interested in her than he did in getting Victoria the Drunken Brazilian out of the bathroom stall.  “Clare, wheel you assept these rose?”  Of course, she will, Juan Pablo.  Of course, she will.  

She assepts the rose.

Who in the hell is Josh Krajic?  Jeffrey Osborn must have been booked.   

My take?  Clare is pretty and nice but she’s also teetering on certifiable insanity in addition to having a lot of unresolved abandonment issues.  She’ll ruin her chance before Juan Pablo realizes she’s not for him.    

Back to the Mansion.  Lucy is topless in the hot tub and the other girls—out of the twenty-something fear of being categorized as “judgmental"--pretend not to see her knockers.

As I said before, F her.  My guess is that she’s about as far from an earthy hippie as it gets.  Her parents are probably liberals from the 70’s who struck it rich and became everything that they once hated.  She’s likely an over-privileged, spoiled brat who has never been responsible for anything but her own ridiculous act in her entire life.  If I’m wrong about that, so be it.  I’m not.  She’s a self-centered child.  It’s easy to be a free spirit when you’re bills are paid by someone who’s not.  It’s easy to “find yourself” when you don’t have to find a job.     

Date Card drops.  Kat gets “I can feel the electricity” and a chorus of pouty faces silently sings out amongst the others.  Kat shows off her dimples.  She’s hot and cool.  I like her.    

Kat date. 

Kat gossips with the Free Loader in her denim shirt and white shorts.  She’s no Emily but she looked great.  Juan Pablo shows up in “his” Tesla dressed even worse that he was for the first date.  The guy with the key to the editing machine is probably partying with the guy with the key to the wardrobe box this week. 

They jump aboard “his” private jet and—in the spirit of being consistently mysterious this week—Juan Pablo refuses to reveal their destination.  Kat shows off her dimples and Juan Pablo tries not to try too hard to be charming or whatever.  

He dons his electric warm up suit and presents her with a horrible outfit.  She laments the loss of her white shorts (as did I, Kat.  As did I) and puts on the ridiculous outfit before they head to Salt Lake City’s version of every day in Miami.  They pretend to have fun at the Electric Run while screaming half sentences in each other’s ears over the invasive techno music.  

“Kat, wheel you assept these rose?” is screamed into a microphone in front of every non-Mormon in Salt Lake City.  

She assepts the rose. 

After all that, no dinner.   And no Harrison.  “The drunk footage had better be good,” I said between Lone Star sips. 

Back at the Mansion the Group Date Card arrives.  Clare reads it from the safe, secure position of already holding a rose.
Chelsie, Kristy, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Alli, Chantal, Nikki, Elise, Victoria, and Lucy get the lucky group field trip.  

Amy, Danielle, and Sharleen get to hang around the mansion in their warm ups and Ugh boots.  It never occurs to them that the possibility of doing that far outweighs the humiliation in store for the others on the Group Date.    

Group Date.   

Short dresses and short shorts rule the day as the women bolt to the limo for some pre-date champagne.   In light of the fact that she can’t catch her own, Kelly hopes to catch Juan Pablo’s eye and Victoria remains remarkably sober.  Lucy flashes her average boobs for effect again (yawn) before some Chinese guy with a blue beard announces the rules of the Models and Mutts photo shoot which is, of course, for a good cause.  

(Read: if we ask you to violate one of your strong moral convictions you should oblige because you may save a dog).   

The chicks meet the dogs and head to hair and make up.  Andi’s control issues become glaringly apparent when she and Elise figure out they may have to pose semi naked for (say it with me) a good cause.  

Elise—the first grade teacher—is smart enough to haul ass over to Lucy while Andi is still blinded by the potential lack of control.  Of course, Lucy will pose naked.  They switch outfits.  Andi feels compelled to tell us that she puts people in jail every day.   I’m not really sure that that has to do with posing semi-naked but Andi is  convinced that District Attorneys should be precluded from posing naked for good causes.  Noted.    

Juan Pablo takes his cue from the Producers that he’s looking forward to getting to know Cassandra.  We soon learn why she’s a “former” and not “current” NBA dancer.  

If you’re going to sleep with the players, Cassandra, make sure at least one of them is willing to marry you instead of just willing to hammer out a visitation agreement and pay child support.  Andi should put that guy in jail. 

Kelly, the dog lover, seemed very passionate about the date.  She loves her dogs like she loves her eyes:  Stray.  She was so passionate that she allowed herself to be spray painted brown.  She seemed really sincere but I’m concerned for Juan Pablo.  My fear is that he’ll date her only to find out that she’s been seeing someone on the side the entire time.   Boom!  Lazy eye joke.  You're welcome.

The rest of the date was uneventful other than when Juan Pablo subtly talked Andi into a semi-nude picture.  You know, for a good cause.  Ah, the ends justify the means argument.  That's so Consequentialist of him. (Whoever said my Philosophy Minor would never come in handy can suck it.)  Andi buys what he's selling and grabs the sign.  We all pray that a few dogs were saved as a result of Andi setting her puppies free.  

Cocktail Party and time for the Brazilian Blow Out.  

Tiny and shiny cocktail dresses flash about as the group hits the rooftop (where else?) patio of the Watermark Hotel.  Victoria starts drinking.  Boy did she start drinking. 

Cassandra fesses up to sleeping with the Lakers and confesses that she loves and misses her son before breaking down in a giant bathroom.  Renee—also a mother—comforts her while simultaneously missing her own child. 

I said this on Twitter and I’ll say it here.  If Juan Pablo were really paying attention, he’d pay more attention to Renee.  She won’t win (I’ll give you a guy’s perspective on why it will be Nikki and not Renee later down the road) but she’s showing herself to be nurturing, kind, and level-headed while everyone else around her (save Nikki) is caving to the pressure like a drunk Brazilian’s liver under the weight of two bottles of cheap chardonnay and that starter vodka and tonic she downed on the way up the elevator.  

If you needed any more evidence of my Renee Theory than the one-on-one between her and Juan Pablo where she not-so-subtly asked for a kiss and didn’t receive one, then you’re not seeing what I’m seeing.  Stay tuned. 

Nikki feels compelled to sit Victoria down for some constructive advice regarding Victoria's prodigious and apparently unquenchable thirst for Yellow Tail.  In what will be undoubtedly my favorite line from this season, Nikki tells her to “tone it down” a bit.  Classic.  That’s like telling a peacock to tone down its feathers or asking a 747 to tone down the engine noise a bit on the landing. 

Victoria was already super hammered.  Nikki’s advice came later than Cassandra’s last missed period after the 2012 NBA Western Conference Finals victory party.  Elise tries to help but Victoria's grasp on the English language was worse than Juan Pablo’s at that point.  Awesome. I grabbed another Lone Star after hitting “pause” and settled in to watch the mess unfold.   

Juan Pablo gets some one on one with Nikki.  

Let me clarify my position on her in light of the fact that she apparently annoys some of you enough for you to send me emails about it.   Look, I’m not saying she’s perfect.  What I’m saying is that it is crystal clear that Juan Pablo is far more into her than he is any of the other women.  Why?  She’s attractive, has a step-mom friendly career, and--MOST IMPORTANTLY—she’s being herself.  

Juan Pablo may act a bit dopey but he’s proven that he’s not oblivious.  Sharleen got the First Impression Rose for the same reason.  Let’s get back to Victoria and her yet-to-be metabolized alcohol-rich blood, shall we?

Victoria shows up hammered in her bikini and blazes past Juan Pablo and Nikki in the middle of one-on-one.  She wandered more aimlessly than Kelly's eye.  The look on his face was priceless and Nikki wisely kept her grin shut and let the events unfold without getting involved.  Hell, the bus was already headed off the cliff.  There was no need to run up behind it and push it off. 

Victoria and her tunnel vision do her best Alice in the rabbit hole impression before being shut down at the elevator doors by the poor bastard who drew the short straw on the Bachelor crew.  Dejected and freezing, she does what any drunk Brazilian would do under the same or similar circumstances:  she runs to the nearest bathroom and begins crying in the stall.  Dios Mio. 

Renee continues to babysit.  I was surprised by that move under the stall.  You’d think they would have asked Kelly to keep an eye on her.  She could have done that without crawling under the stall.   Where was Kelly when a crooked look could have straightened Victoria out earlier in the evening?  To be fair, she was probably busy eyeing Juan Pablo.  I really should keep an open mind.  There’s no need to be near-sighted about the situation.  The last thing Kelly needs is another pupil to teach.  It’s probably best she chose to turn a blind eye to Victoria’s situation.  Out of sight, out of mind, after all.  Kelly would probably have a hard time seeing eye to eye with her anyway.   

I know.  I’m awful.  If it’s any consolation, that wasn’t fun to type.  Kelly is one of the few girls who seems sure of herself, confident, and she also appears to have a good sense of humor.  I feel terrible for taking cheap shots at her.  In fact, Eye feel terrible.  Eye felt better when Juan Pablo pre-sented Kelly with the date rose.  Let’s face it; she deserved it.  Before they can celebrate, Juan Pablo gets called away to deal with an intoxicated Brazilian.       

Clearly over it, he leaves her drunk ass in the shitter and heads to Harrison’s suite for a drink and a cigar.  Victoria gets thrown in a hotel room to sleep it off.  She's vee-see-ted  the next morning by an apathetic Juan Pablo and summarily booted to the curb after issuing an insincere apology and characterizing herself as “a little bit drunk” the night before.  

Right, and the Grand Canyon is a little hole in Arizona and Cassandra was a little bit pregnant after the 2011 NBA Western Conference Finals After Party.  Frankly, she looked relieved.  How awkward will it be when Juan Pablo and this season’s new fiancé get a night out in Miami and bump into Victoria and her friends at a South Beach dance club?  I’ll be scanning the grocery store displays for pictures of that meeting in OK Magazine a month from now. 

We all know that Juan Pablo did the right thing in light of the fact that he’s looking for a step-mom as well as a wife.  Have fun hitting the “Ignore” button on your iPhone over and over again when your father gets a look at the footage, Victoria.  

If you choose a behavior you also choose the consequences—especially if that behavior is filmed under the wide umbrella of a reality show legal release.    Andi should put her in jail.  On a positive note, Juan Pablo assepted her apology.     

M&M Commercial.  Nice touch.  I thought it was funny.  Back to the show.

Pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail party. 

Juan Pablo drops the I send drunk girls home news.  “Es naught Ee-see,” he tells us.  Neither is the English language, Juan Pablo, but that hasn’t stopped you from trying it.  He made the right decision and everyone knows it.  Everyone drinks to that.    

Juan Pablo spends time with Amy, Sharleen, and Danielle in light of the fact that they’ve been sitting at the mansion trying not to eat too much all day because the camera adds ten pounds and that cocktail dress that looks so cute on will definitely show a pooch and it's too short to wear the good Spanxx and besides they'll have some light food at the cocktail party and they can eat then while they're drinking and that's good because wine has a lot of calories.  

He bumps into a few others, including the ever-proper Sharleen and the ever-talkative Clare.

Of note:  Danielle straightened her hair for the big Rose Ceremony.  The SGIA jury is still out on her.  I can’t decide if the curly, unfortunate hair looked better than the product soaked, freshly ironed hair looked.  Maybe she can loan some of that straightening stuff to Kelly to put in her eye.    

Harrison shows up.  Finally!  Like Danielle’s hair, the world is straight again.  Harrison tees up the “it’s been a tough week” speech before turning things over to Juan Pablo.  The Roses are dispensed. 

"[Insert Name of Young Hopeful] wheel you assept these rose?"

The following women assept.   

1.         Kat
2.         Kelly
3.         Clare
4.         Cassandra
5.         Nikki
6.         Andi
7.         Elise
8.         Sharleen
9.         Renee
10.       Danielle
11.       Lucy (boo)
12.       Alli
13.       Chelsie
14.       Lauren
15.       Christie

Amy, the News Reporter, loses with class.  She tears up but manages to keep it together.  She’s young, attractive, and seems genuinely sweet.  She’ll do fine but will likely have to sleep with a bunch of frogs before she finds her Prince.  For now, she’ll be relegated to covering local County Fairs and standing on the seawall in gale force winds just hours ahead of an approaching hurricane. 

Chantel, also lost with class but broke down a bit more than Amy.  As I said before, she seemed too nice, too smart, and too reserved to compete with the bigger personalities.  Like Amy, she’ll do just fine after she returns home.  When you get tossed this early in the game and can do it with your dignity in tact, that’s the best you can hope for.  Let’s hope she received some good swag on the way out.   

Well, there it is.  Late, but complete.  Story of my life.  Until next time, take care of yourselves and enjoy Sean and Catherine’s wedding on Sunday.  I won’t be watching.  I just can’t do it.  Don't forget that next week's post will be late.  I'll be hitting the slopes in Breckenridge with Mrs. Some Guy.    

Follow me on Twitter and suggest that others do too.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be drinking myself into a frenzy before retiring to the classy confines of a public restroom stall in order to cry my eyes out.  DP