Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Bachelor Juan Pablo Episode One: Viva La Aventura

Well hello, Readers.  Welcome back for the official kickoff of the Most [Provocative Adjective Yet to Be Determined] Season of the Bachelor ever.  As always, if you've taken an off-season hiatus, welcome back.  If not, thanks for sticking around.

I'm certain you're all ready for my take on this year's selection.   

But first, the lead in.   

Look, I know I said I'd comment on the Sunday night show in this post; however, the Sunday night show was far from revealing.  Was it just me or did any of you feel like ABC was wasting more of your time than it usually does?  For those of you who missed it, the Sunday show was identical (albeit about 45 minutes longer) to the first 15 minutes of last night's show.  ABC even had the balls to include some of the same footage in both shows.  Don't they know I have several episodes of Rehab Addict with Nicole Curtis waiting to be watched on my DVR?  

Incidentally, Mrs. Some Guy is on board with my fascination with Nicole Curtis.  She's even taken the liberty of erasing the winter episodes of the show on the DVR so I can see Nicole renovate and flip in her multicolored tank tops rather than her bulky vests.  It's the compromises that make a marriage work, isn't it?  To be fair, I'm sick of hearing about Thor, but I deal with it.  He's not even renovating or flipping anything.  He just walks around shirtless with that stupid hammer.  Annnnyyyyhoooo. . .  

Back to the Bachelor.  

We begin (again) with our love-hunting Bachelor demonstrating his active, yet not complete lifestyle.  Oh, how he longs for someone to hold his shirt while he jogs down the beach or dances like a drunken hobo beneath various local underpasses.  Yes, life in Miami is rich and full and Juan Pablo and his irresistibly huggable daughter, Camilla, just need the final piece of the puzzle in order to make it completemente.  

Sigh, Lone Star Numero Uno.  

As predictable as all of that was, I still found myself fascinated with the variety of bold colored V-necks in Juan Pablo's wardrobe.  His one-on-one also featured some kind of tight, red undershirt thing with tiny sleeves.  It looked like something Ashley would have worn on her season.  In fact, it would have probably fit her if Juan Pablo would have peeled it off his freshly shaved body.  

Juan Pablo runs around the beach a bit and then runs around town visiting various playscapes with his daughter in his far-from-masculine Jeep Patriot (that's like a man's minivan) before foregoing the beaches of Miami in favor of the beaches of Los Angeles (for a jog, no doubt) and settling in to his temporary, pre-tropical perfect place to find love Bachelor Pad.   

Frankly, I was exhausted already.  I got it before the first trip to the playground:  he's a caring dad with an adorable daughter (she's no little Ricki).  "Get to the limos, would you?" I screamed in vain.  Instead, Sean and his lack of melanin show up for a tete-a-tete with Juan Pablo in order to foster our budding young bachelor through the dreaded first night arrivals.  

Juan Pablo tells us he's getting a little “Enkshus”.  He looked anxious as well.   

We soon discover that “Aventura” is the new “journey.” 

Sean freely dispenses some "expert" advice.  I expected him to say, "What you really want is a half Asian with Daddy issues who doesn’t share your religion and your family can’t stand."  

Instead Sean tells Juan Pablo a story about how he ended up washing his dog after a bunch of skunks got to it.  Frankly, I didn't know if that was a true story or simply a metaphor for Sean's experience on the show.  Regardless, Juan Pablo throws him a "Gracias" and they hug it out.  

Harrison shows up in front of the mansion with his conspicuously naked ring finger and still feels compelled to introduce himself.  He gives us the “America fell in love with him” speech before a nervous and very enkshus Juan Pablo arrives to meet the 25 ladies culled from thousands of duds and psychopaths selected to be his potential fianc√© (maybe).  

Harrison sweetens the pot by telling Juan Pablo that the response to his Bachelor selection was “so overwhelming” that he gets 2 more crazy chicks to root through.  I wondered aloud that if the response had been just mildly overwhelming if they'd have added just one more lady.  Details.  

The first show is always the most difficult to recap.  Because it is my intention to bring you the most seamless and enjoyable Bachelor recapping experience possible, I've worked out what I think is the best way to approach this episode.  

I've taken the girls in order of their appearance on the website (alphabetically, if you're interested) and I've commented accordingly.  As we thin the herd, we'll move to my usual chronological recap.  

Alexis, 24, Communications Director with Cuban roots . . . and honey highlights (or are those low lights?)  She leads off in Spanish and didn't fumble the but, unfortunately for her, she didn't do enough to catch the eye of Juan Pablo. She also brought a brief but unfortunate resurrection to Ashley and Ali's "IM-por-ANT" when referring to the cocktail party.  Cubra Libre anyone?  No Rose.  

Alli, 26, Nanny with a penchant for Jeeps and travel. She shows up in soccer shoes with a soccer ball. I think we all knew this cliche was inevitable. It was beyond predictable and she looked as embarrassed as we all were sitting on our couches drinking Lone Star Beer and judging from afar (and on Twitter). She did enough to keep herself in the game: namely being attractive and not making a fool of herself at the cocktail party. Under the radar will likely be her approach. Frankly, it will probably work for a bit too.  She got a rose.  

Amy J., 31, Massage Therapist with bangs and an awkward picture. Easily the craziest one in the bunch. She fell immediately "in love" with Juan Pablo and "could see a life with him immediately." From her overly needy (read: desperate) personality to the erotic faces she made while giving Juan Pablo a brief rubdown on the driveway, it was easy to see that she would be worked out of the show like a knotted back muscle. She left us with this gem: "People don't always feel you like you feel them." Right, Amy J. That's especially true when you're a massage therapist. She left me wanting to rub my forehead. No Rose (thank, God).  

Amy L., 27, Hot, latently naughty, Local News Reporter. Her perky personality and sorority-ish nervous giggling were consistent with her profile answers. She didn't act very News Reportery and seemed much younger than her actual age. However, she looked great in her red dress and was sufficiently bubbly enough to earn the last rose of the night. I actually liked her. Perhaps she's a dark horse if she can get her bubbles under control. 

Andi, 26, Assistant D.A. Her and her ombre hair (that's SO 2011) looked freaking phenomenal. She clearly made the best limo entrance (in my humble opinion) but I was a bit put off by her pre-limo, fake prosecution courtroom scenes. I was ready to chalk that up to "playing the pre-production game" until she made it a point to talk about "always putting people in jail" when she had one-on-one time with Juan Pablo. She's 26, which means she's a baby lawyer and likely working the DWI docket or enforcing the parking laws of greater Atlanta or whatever. Still, she's hot, smart, has a good job, and despite perhaps trying a bit too hard, put in a solid two hours last night. She earned her rose. She's number two on my list. 

Ashley, 25, Dallas Grade School Teacher who looked a lot less Asian last night than she does in her headshot. Perhaps it was the up-do or the blue contact lenses. She didn't get a rose and I'm not certain that it had more to do with the fact that she was kind enough to take Lauren H. Meltdown Management Duty rather than elbowing some bitches out of the way of Juan Pablo for some one-on-one time. She gave Juan Pablo a gold star from the teacher as her entrance gimmick. Nice girls finish last, Ashley. Still, you didn't embarrass yourself and you didn't do anything on film to jeopardize your teaching job. All in all, nice work. No rose.

Cassandra, 21, Former NBA Dancer (read: unemployed). Very tall with a bad dress and an up-do. She got a "you're boring but didn't do anything worse than the 9 chicks I let go" Rose. SGIA is still making up his mind on this one. Rose. 

Chantel, 27, Account Manager who uses smiley faces and believes in fairy tale romances. The first one out of the limo to sport a short dress.  She seems WAY too nice to deal with the drama on the previews.  As I said before, she's probably too smart and mature to deal with the crying in the bathroom stalls, but that remains to be seen.  She was calm, confident, and got some one-on-one time.  Frankly, she did exactly what she needed to do in order to stick around.  Nice work on the short dress and nice work on the rose.  She got a rose.  

Chelsie, 24, Science Educator—whatever that is.  She ran amongst the sunflowers and practiced her Spanish.  "Don't do that.  Everyone is going to do that," I sighed.  Her "let's do an experiment in Chemistry" opener fell flatter than her hair after the cocktail party. She's annoying to me for some reason I can't articulate.    Still, she got a rose. 

Christine, 23, Police Support Specialist. She's not as attractive as most of the girls but she chose a great green dress and brought Camilla a small but thoughtful gift. Smart and thoughtful beats trashy hot with fake boobs most days of the week. Too bad it wasn't one of those days of the week. No Rose.  

Christy, 24, Marketing Manager. Speaking of trashy hot with fake boobs. Her reconstituted bridal shower dress and headband didn't do a lot for me. Neither did the platinum hair or really REALLY fake tan. The Texas Longhorn football team's jerseys are less of a burnt orange hue than her face for crying out loud. She was the first woman to use the word "Crazy" out loud and her boobs appeared to peak out of her dress in agreement. She seemed nice enough. Perhaps she'll rally. She got a rose. She's too pretty to go home on night one. 

Clare, 32, Hairstylist. She tells us that she's "part Mexican" which confused me a bit because I couldn't figure out what that had to do with meeting an American who grew up in Venezuela and now lives in Miami. She also drops some heavy, "my dad died and left a DVD for my future husband to watch" story before showing up fake pregnant out of the limo.  Dude, you're killing my buzz.  Hey, Juan Pablo, if it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, it's crazy. Escort it back to the limo. To be fair, she seemed honest, outgoing, and relatively nice. She should stick around for a while but I think she'll get eliminated based upon the fact that she's not "part stepmother."  She got the first rose off the silver tray.  Nice work.   

Danielle, 25, Psychiatric Nurse. Bad hair. Good entrance. Did what she had to do with her alone time. I liked her. I'm still not sold on her, though. Juan Pablo apparently bought it for at least one night, however. Rose. 

Elsie, 27, First Grade Teacher with aspirations of changing the world. She's the least attractive one to me. Her gold mermaid dress didn't help at all either. She's from Forty Fort. I can't wait until she's Gonny Gone. Juan Pablo seemed to find her more attractive than at least 9 other women. She got a rose.

Kat, 29, Medical Sales Rep. Hot, smart. She used her dimples well in her one-on-one time.  She salsa danced Juan Pablo on the wet driveway but didn't make a jerk out of herself (or him) while doing it.  She appeared to get a bit edgy when the First Impression Rose was carefully placed in full view by Harrison, but kept it together. She's definitely more attractive than most of the others. And (who knew) her name apparently sounds exactly like Kylie when Juan Pablo says it with a rose in his hand. That was perhaps the most humiliating moment in Bachelor history--well, at a Rose Ceremony anyway. I'm sure Kat is glad she was on the good end of it. Rose. 

Kelly, 27, Dog Lover. She shows up with "Molly," her dog. Good Lord. Let's hope Molly is fond of 4 year old girls pulling at her accessory scarf. She had trouble looking Juan Pablo in the eye and, if I'm totally honest, annoyed the hell out of me for some reason. I'd concede that has as much to do with the fact that I'm an unconscionable a-hole as it does anything else. She got a rose.

Kylie, 23, Interior Designer. Look, I'm a guy's guy and even I know that "redheads" should never wear light pink and pink lipstick. That was an unfortunate choice. However, it wasn't as unfortunate as her inability to hear Kat's name pronounced causing her to drift uninvited toward a rose not meant for her. As if that wasn't bad enough she added a "can you take us both?" at the end just to ensure the humiliation was both comprehensive and final. On the upside, I hear that she's banging Mikey T. in Chicago. Good for them. Perhaps they'll end up as stand ins for Ryan and Trista when Ryan and Trista add the word "No" to their vocabulary. No Rose.

Lacy, 25, Nursing Home Owner. She showed up in a blue prom dress that wasn't very . . . well, lacy. She has 9 special needs siblings and owns an old folks home. She's like a modern day Florence Nightingale with giant fake boobs and a constant smile. She tells us that "no one is fully dressed without a smile." Plagiarism aside, she apparently believes that to be true because she was half naked most of the show.  If I was an octogenarian I'd look forward to her visits to my padded room. I'll bet she gives a mean sponge bath.  She seemed genuine and sweet.  Unfortunately, she was too much of both.  No Rose.  

Lauren H., 25, Mineral Coordinator. The only thing heavier than the luggage she checked at the airport was the baggage she carried with her to the mansion. Wow. Fresh off a devastating dumping Lauren CLEARLY wasn't ready to get back out there and mingle at the local divorcee, strip mall beach bar much less on national television. I sensed control issues and a lot of insecurity.  "This is so not me," she tells us.  The problem is that it IS so her, right now.  She needs to put down the minerals and coordinate her own life before looking for Mr. Right (Now). Her meltdown crossed the line from funny to downright sad. Let's hope she gets the help she needs. She's obviously an attractive, smart, and apparently successful person with small town values and a sense of duty. All of those will serve her well. Hey Lauren H., he was a jerk who didn't appreciate all you brought to his life. You're better off without him. Someone get her Dr. Jamie's number, would you? ('memba that guy?) No Rose. 

Lauren S., 26, Music Composer from AUSTIN, TEXAS. Couldn't that fat guy with the leather hat who packed Roz's shit have done her a solid and pedaled that giant piano bike across the driveway for her?  I thought she handled that hokey entrance very well. She got a rose. She's the smart, awkward, ugly duckling type. Let's hope she's comfortable in her own skin. Juan Pablo apparently appreciates a little depth of character. I hope she's confident enough to show hers. She is, after all, to the piano what Christy is to fake boobs.  Rose.  

Lucy, 24, Free Spirit. F her. She's a spoiled, shallow, fake, marginally attractive brat with no life experience or appreciation for consequence. There's an entire generation of her flitting around shoeless and clueless trying to find itself.  It's obvious that her spirit isn't the only thing about her that's free.  I couldn't stand her from the second she sashayed out of the limo. I hope she gets a splinter in her foot on one of the tropical bridges she'll soon be crossing with Juan Pablo. It baffles me how Juan Pablo failed to see through the act. Stepmother? Please. Unfortunately, she got a rose.

Maggie, 24, Personal Banker. Great Southern accent. Ironically, Juan Pablo couldn't understand a word she said.  Either that or he's into Impersonal Banking.  No Rose. 

Nikki, 26, Hot Pediatric Nurse. Did I call it correctly, or what? She donned the white shorts in her intro and a hot black evening gown with sparkly things all over it out of the limo. She has a tattoo on her right side too. Aside from needing to dye her roots she's my top pick. The job alone qualifies her as a stepmother and, if she's not catty, she'll make a run to the Fantasy Suite. As I said before, she's this season's Emily.  I hope there's a laundromat in Guam or whatever so she can wash the white shorts.   Rose.  

Renee, 32, Real Estate Agent. Mature, single mom. She's very normal and appeared to bond with Juan Pablo as a parent. She's less attractive physically than some of the others but she's athletic and confident which, along with the parent angle, will get her far if she doesn't melt down. I liked her but I don't think she's Fantasy Suite material. We shall see. Rose. 

Sharleen, 29, Opera Singer. I have to say, I hit this one on the head as well. She's lived all over the world and immediately charms Juan Pablo with some conversation about something other than his muscles or his dong.  There was an odd mention of a wiener in pea soup, but I'm certain it wasn't an innuendo.  An innuendo is, of course, an Italian suppository (I love that joke).  Granted, it probably wasn't difficult for someone as cultured as Sharleen to stand out amongst the Free Spirits and Former NBA Dancers, but she impressed Juan Pablo enough to get an enthusiastic First Impression Rose.  I was glad to see him recognize something other than fake tans and fake boobs.    I was impressed by the fact that she wasn't impressed by it. She's perhaps a bit uptight but she appeared willing to keep a semi-open mind.  She looked like Ann Curry too.  

Valerie, 26 Personal Trainer. Definitely less attractive than her head shot but I liked the tomboy in her. She seemed cool, but turned out a bit flaky at the cocktail party. Her entrance didn't wow me either but she did show up in boots.  I liked her for some reason so  I'll chalk that up to her having a bad day. You can't win 'em all. No Rose. 

Victoria, 24, Legal Assistant from Brazil. Perhaps the biggest disappointment to me. I've never heard of a boring Brazilian. No Rose.

In summary, 

Rose Ceremony. 


1. Clare

2. Nikki

3. Renee

4. Andi

5. Alli

6. Sharleen FIR

7. Chantel

8. Lauren S. 

9. Kelly (Molly)

10. Cassandra

11. Danielle

12. Chelsie

13. Kat (Kylie tries to take it)

14. Victoria

15. Christy

16. Lucy

17. Elise

18. Amy L. 

Final Comments: 

It appears that Juan Pablo is going to be a good Bachelor. He seems to have some substance behind his accent and sense of humor. That's encouraging. However, I think like all of the Bachelor's in recent history he's going to find himself overwhelmed at being in the middle of a constant cat fight for weeks at a time while being away from his daughter. That makes for entertaining television, I suppose, but it's likely to rob him of some of that sense of humor America has "fallen in love with" over the past few months. 

Well there it is. Although "Aventura" appears to be the new "Journey" we're still in search of a replacement for the word "Amazing." With the count at an equal 5 a piece, we head into next week. Enjoy your week. In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be trying to steal Kat's rose. DP 


  1. Nice work! You've saved hours of my life! Very funny as well!
    A few favorites..."Hey, Juan Pablo, if it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, it's crazy. Escort it back to the limo" and the nod to Annie :)
    Have a great week!

    1. Mary, your gain is my loss. I'm happy to accommodate. Good to hear from you. DP

  2. Yay! You're back. Now I can possibly, maybe stomach this season. Well done, as always. ~Cariss

    1. Cariss, another regular showing support. I'm happy I can bridge the gap between your TV apathy and online interest. Thank you for reading. DP

  3. I'm so impressed with your picks. Mine were all wrong (3 out of 5 only got roses). I elimintated all blondes, assuming JP's type was a brunette like CaMEEEEuh's mother. He seems all over the place on physical type. I also wrongly assumed he wanted a dumb girl becuase he is not the brightest bulb, so never thought the lawyer or opera singer would stick around. I've been waiting for your comment on the prosecutor and her high powered job at 26 (one year at best out of law school) putting bad guys in jail. I like JP -- he's got a good sense of humor and seems pretty normal. His family is nice too. I'm especially proud of our buddy Mills for getting the boy some English elocution lessons so we only had to have subtitles for the Spanish part. Bottom line, this is going to be a good season because the lead character can carry the show and the supporting actors are hot. That's all we ask for, Fleiss.

    1. Emily, I'm a dude who thinks like a dude. Don't beat yourself up over your picks. I'm happy that Mills got us an English-ish version of the show as well. Nikki and the DA will go far. I can't wait to see how the rest turn out. DP

  4. Lucy looks like a completely different person in that head shot. Whoa!

    1. She's a spoiled brat. Agree with your comment. We'll see how long she lasts. DP

  5. Welcome back! You have made it worth the watch as per usual. How long were you keeping that innuendo joke in your back pocket?

    Condolences on Emily's (fourth) engagement,


    1. laurap, it's good to hear from you. I hope you're warming up over there on the East Coast. As far as that innuendo joke goes, I've had that one on the shelf for some time now. I'm glad you appreciate the reference. Perhaps I'll tie it in with a Polar Vortex joke next week. As for Emily's pending nuptials; well, let's say I'm dealing with it as best I can. DP

  6. Had to watch football so taped Juan's adventura. I did not even bother to tape the Sunday stuff -that was very odd and ABC seems to be promoting Juan big time to have something like that on prior to the Monday show.
    I am guessing you had to stop your DVR many times to keep track of all these look alkes. The only ones who stood out were Nikki, Sharlene, Amy for being such a creepy massage therapist and whacko Lucy. Think she's for real or a plant by ABC?
    My favorite line: "the Texas Longhorns football team's jerseys are less of a burnt orange hue than her face..." talking about Christy and "the only thing heavier than the luggage she checked at the airport was the baggage she carried with her to the mansion" - Lauren is by no means ready for another relationship.
    This should be the usual interesting season watching normal girls turn into bitches and backstabbing each other.
    Sal in Utah

  7. Sal in Utah, another regular weighing in on the new season. I love it. Thanks for the favorites. I always get a laugh at seeing what lines people pick up on. Enjoy the season. DP

    1. Meant to tell you to have fun in Breckenridge. I am escaping the snow and cold here for some warmth and doubt I will be watching Juan's adventura while gone but will be reading you so I can keep up.

    2. Thank you very much. It's 73 here in Austin today. I'll be glad to be in the snow for a bit. DP

  8. An FYI I learned from Jimmy Kimmel's monologue - Kat's last name is Hurd. Kat Hurd...say it out loud fast. Poor girl had it rough, I'm sure. Great recap! Looking forward to mi adventura of reading every week!

    -Lisa (some girl between Austin and Houston)

    1. Horrible. No wonder she wants to get married. DP

  9. Tuesdays just became the funniest day of the week again... thanks Some Guy!!! Keep em coming!

    1. Thanks, Kellie. I'll try to live up to your expectations. DP

  10. Stumbled by your blog from OlivetoRun and yours is one hilarious rehash of a show I don't want to admit to watching! Stumbled on the first episode and failed miserably at turning the channel! Think Im gonna have to try and catch the episodes just so I can read your reviews! :)

    1. Good to have a fellow runner and (apparently) a Sri Lankan in the mix. I think that's a first. Congrats. Welcome aboard. If you have time, look around at the off season stuff too. Those are some of my favorites to write! DP

  11. I liked Lacy (I'm sure just because the pre-taped background piece made her look so nice) and I was disappointed that she didn't get a rose. Lincee seemed to think she acted like a stalker, but I think she just didn't show enough of her life. She did however show enough of her body...bad dress choice.

    Also, I'm sure it was time consuming to add all the pictures, but thank you for doing that. I'm having a hard time keeping them straight and that helped tremendously to know who you were talking about.

    1. You're welcome. Frankly, it's the only way I can keep track of them too. I thought Lacy was WAY too nice. She's probably a mean drunk. DP