Hello, Readers. Happy Freaking New Year. I trust that those of you reading this on December 31st are a couple hours away from getting all dolled up for a big night on the town (or the couch). Those of you reading this on January 1st are likely reading it on a barely charged smart phone from a strange couch trying to figure out why (and how) your undergarments went missing. Either way, I hope you're all safe, happy, and ready for a big 2014. Oh, and I hope you find your underwear.
It is, of course, officially "Juan-uary." God help us. In light of the upcoming Bachelor Season, I'm taking the liberty of posting ABC's entirely too aggressive Bachelor schedule for this month interlaced with my commentary. First, I have to give credit where credit is due, however.
A very loyal fan and a rabid (like Ol' Yeller rabid) Bachelor fan, Emily, emailed me the schedule a couple of days ago with strict instructions that I am to recap ALL shows pertaining to the Bachelor in January. I've taken our email exchange and turned it into the post below for all of your benefit. Thanks for pushing me, Emily. That's why you have a book deal and I . . . well, I don't.
I suppose it's beneficial to know what the watching/posting expectations are prior to Juan-uary. Thank you? I can't promise I'll recap the Sunday show in addition to the Monday marathon. I have a job and I value my sanity. But I promise to try. Keep in mind that Napoleon promised to stop invading places and Anthony Weiner promised to stop texting sluts. We all know how that turned out. Then again, I'm not Corsican nor am I running for office in the Spring. In short, I'll do my best.
Two shows and 3 hours a week? That's a bit presumptuous on ABC's part, don't you think? Is Costner running things over there now? They might as well run The Postman, Dances with Wolves, and Waterworld after each episode, for crying out loud. I'm just glad he's not Juan Pablo the III or IV. We'd be watching III or IV shows a week on the guy.
I will, at a minimum, allude to the Sunday show's finer points in my recap, however. Emily also mentioned that the Sunday show time conflicts with Downton Abbey on PBS and that she was vexed (terribly vexed) that both shows require Tuesday morning water cooler knowledge. What's a girl to do? Good Lord.
I'm not even sure what to say. Mrs. Some Guy watches Downton Abbey and, curious, I sat down to watch an episode with her one night. As far as I can tell, the vast majority of the show takes place either in the kitchen or in that lady from She's Having a Baby's bedroom and entails that fat, cranky butler scowling a lot while that crankier old maid busts his balls about the Abbey or whatever. It's not my cup of tea (see what I did there?). I'm sure the fans will find a clever way to bridge the water cooler gap.
Back to Juan-uary. I'm tired of that term already.
ABC's calendar is underlined with my comments on the calendar of "events" below each entry.
Sunday, Jan. 5 at 8 p.m. - The Bachelor: Countdown to Juan Pablo - get an inside look at Juan Pablo’s life in Miami, and meet his 4-year-old daughter, Camila. The special will also offer a behind-the-scenes look at the casting process for hit show, as well as an introduction to a handful of the lucky ladies who will be fighting for Juan Pablo’s heart.
An inside look at Juan Pablo's life in Miami? Puh-leez. My guess is that it involves a lot of showering and running down the beach shirtless juggling a soccer ball before buying his terminally adorable daughter ice cream. We'll get a lot of action shots in South Beach down A1-A Beachfront Avenue only to find out later that Juan Pablo actually lives in a suburb 30 miles away. He's like a Venezuelan Jake Pavelka without the gazebo.
Monday January 6 at 8pm - Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor premieres
I'll be front and center for the big premier. My goal is to get the recap up that night. The good news is that even at my age I'm still proficient at getting it up. Anatomy joke. You're welcome. Oh, and don't forget to download your Venezuelan to English dictionaries online prior to the big show. You might want to dog ear the pages that include the words "Amazing," "Fantasy," and "Soccer."
Sunday January 12 at 8pm - The Bachelor: Behind the Scenes will follow Bachelor cast and crew as they crash premiere viewing parties and share extended footage of Juan Pablo’s women, both those he handed a rose, and the ladies who only got a glimpse of the stud before being sent home. The special also looks in on Bachelor production as they create a “winter wonderland” fantasy date, and offers more insight on the woman Juan Pablo chose for his first one-on-one.
"Crash" might be the biggest misrepresentation since Jake's height. Do the women at any of your Bachelor watch parties put on evening wear and full makeup before settling in and being "surprised" by Chris Harrison in his giant Girls Gone Wild party bus? Hell, Crystal Carrington looks like a slob compared to some of the chicks that answer the door when Harrison comes a-knocking. "[L]adies who only got a glimpse of the stud"? That sounds like something you'd hear on a home improvement show. A glimpse of the stud?
In other words, The Losers. I can't wait. The good news is that the ones who are personal trainers will be able to parlay their one and done curb kicking into a "Spin Class at Noon Featuring Ashley (they're all named Ashley) Whatever, Star of The Bachelor" promo at the local fitness hotspot.
And why did they choose the possessive "Juan Pablo's Women" to describe the hoard (or is it Whored?)? I know they don't have the 13th Amendment in Venezuela but that sort of thing has been illegal here for a while. Look it up.
Sunday January 19 at 8pm - The Bachelor: Bachelor Love Stories - catch up on all the love stories you’ve watched through the years. From Desiree and Chris to Jason and Molly, we’ll find out how the relationships are holding up. And, of course, we’ll catch up with the show’s biggest success story, Trista and Ryan, as they celebrate their 10th anniversary with a vow renewal ceremony (and if we know Ryan, a poem).
Translation: Ryan and Trista continue to begrudgingly meet their never-ending contractual obligations while simultaneously adding a sizable chunk to their kids' college funds. Good for them. Mesnick will smirk uncontrollably with Molly at his side while somewhere in a town home across the country Melissa Rycroft will calmly sip her chardonnay while trying not to crush the glass in her trembling hand. No Ashley (they're all named Ashley) and J.P.? Uh oh. Dental school finals should be over by now . . . oh, wait. . .
Also, fair warning. I'll be skiing and Apres Skiing with Mrs. Some Guy in Breckenridge the week of the 17th so the post is likely going to be late. The good news is that once I return to the highly oxygenated air of Austin after being in the mountains for a week, I should be able to knock it out of the park. Patience is a virtue. It's also an excellent name for a stripper.
Sunday January 26 at 8pm - The Bachelor: Sean and Catherine’s Wedding
Sigh. I wonder what those two spoiled Southlake brats will be wearing when they walk the ring down the aisle. I also wonder if Catherine has curbed her appetite in time to fit in her wedding dress. Based on some of the bikini pics y'all sent over to me, she could use a trainer named Ashley at her local gym. I'm sure she'll look lovely.
Well, there it is.
Have a happy and safe new year's celebration. You'll hear from me in about a week. In the meantime, if you need me I'll be showering 4 times a day after running shirtless by the lake while simultaneously contemplating love. DP