Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Bachelor Juan Pablo Episode 2: The Brazilian Gets (W)axed

Hello, Folks.  I’m a little edgy today for a host of reasons.  The good news for you is that my current attitude usually makes for some good blog fodder.  The bad news is that my MacBook Air could be thrown against the wall at any minute thereby putting an abrupt halt to the aforementioned good fodder.  We’ll see how it goes. Let’s get right to it.  

Note:  No pictures this week.  I'm swamped at work.  Sorry.  

The Amazing count increased a whopping 200% to 15 this episode.  Granted, that’s a predictable move at this phase of the season but it’s still a significant jump.  In fact, I checked to make sure the Fed wasn’t buying Amazings on the side to artificially inflate the count.  (For you non-economists out there, that’s a little stock market humor.  Poor humor, yes.  But humor nonetheless). 

The Journey count was a mere blip on the radar, only increasing by one to 6.  Again, predictable since we’re still stuck at the mansion and therefore still mired in our figurative journey.  We’ll see a bigger hit in the following weeks when we begin the literal journey beyond the confines of the mansion walls.  The count, of course, is subject to the yet-to-be determined “Aventura Effect.”  Much like gravity in Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, it may have the effect of distorting the direction and speed of the Journey count.  

J = AD2 (Journey Count = Amazing Count X Aventura Count squared).  We’ll see.  

First off, nice editing.  Was the guy with the key to the editing machine on lunch break when they put the first 20 minutes of the show together?  Was I the only one who swore and then reversed my DVR twice because:

A.   There was no Harrison.  Where the f*ck was Harrison?   It’s incredible to me that I bust this show’s balls every week complaining about the redundancy of Harrison’s lead ins but the one time they cut that part out of the show I’m more lost than a drunk Brazilian wandering around a strange hotel; and

B.    The Mysterious Clare Date Card was alluded to twice but never read?

At any rate, Clare apparently got the first mano-a-mano.  Let’s discuss. 

Clare  One-on-One Date

We begin, as always, at the Mansion.  Kelly’s dog in the pool but don’t worry, I’m sure she kept one eye on him the entire time for his safety.  Yes, I’m going to joke about the lazy eye.  You’re welcome. 

Alli, Cassandra, and Chantel gossip in casual poolside attire about the coveted 1st date while Clare primps in the mirror.  She tells us that she doesn’t do bars or online dating.  Why would she?  That would be ridiculous.  

Certainly, flying across the world for 30 days with a Venezuelan stranger simultaneously dating 25 other women in hopes of getting engaged after he sleeps with at least two of them is a less risky proposition than meeting someone for coffee after a few playful emails.  Whatever. 

Juan Pablo shows up in “his” electric car.  Incidentally, I looked at the Tesla a few months back.  I’m neither a sports car guy nor an electric car guy but curiosity led me into the dealership.  It’s 100 grand.  For the time being, I’ll stick to my gas guzzling, fancy German sedan.  Please don’t judge.    

The “ladies” imbibe giant early morning glasses of wine while kicking it at the mansion and collectively pining for Juan Pablo.  He shows up in an outfit that he clearly snuck past the Wardrobe Department.  For crying out loud nothing fit him.  He was dressed like a 7 year old.

He blindfolds Clare and puts her in the front seat.  Kidnappings are all the rage in South America these days.  Why not bring the joy of motion sickness and abject fear of indefinite imprisonment to the good ole US of A?  They head out to a mysterious location for a date that “he planned.”  They sled, frolic in the fake snow, and do a lot of fake cuddling for the cameras.

“He’s amazing.  He’s funny.  Blah blah blah,”  and every other cliché oozes from Clare’s pores like puke from a drunk Brazilan’s mouth after a rooftop cocktail party Chardonnay binge.  

They ice skate and she continues to look like Kristin Bell and he continues to not speak English before she gives him a creepy back rub in the hot tub (jets off, of course) while making him tense with her ranting about how he can never live up to her dad’s example and how her spirit was crushed by other men.  

He looked less interested in her than he did in getting Victoria the Drunken Brazilian out of the bathroom stall.  “Clare, wheel you assept these rose?”  Of course, she will, Juan Pablo.  Of course, she will.  

She assepts the rose.

Who in the hell is Josh Krajic?  Jeffrey Osborn must have been booked.   

My take?  Clare is pretty and nice but she’s also teetering on certifiable insanity in addition to having a lot of unresolved abandonment issues.  She’ll ruin her chance before Juan Pablo realizes she’s not for him.    

Back to the Mansion.  Lucy is topless in the hot tub and the other girls—out of the twenty-something fear of being categorized as “judgmental"--pretend not to see her knockers.

As I said before, F her.  My guess is that she’s about as far from an earthy hippie as it gets.  Her parents are probably liberals from the 70’s who struck it rich and became everything that they once hated.  She’s likely an over-privileged, spoiled brat who has never been responsible for anything but her own ridiculous act in her entire life.  If I’m wrong about that, so be it.  I’m not.  She’s a self-centered child.  It’s easy to be a free spirit when you’re bills are paid by someone who’s not.  It’s easy to “find yourself” when you don’t have to find a job.     

Date Card drops.  Kat gets “I can feel the electricity” and a chorus of pouty faces silently sings out amongst the others.  Kat shows off her dimples.  She’s hot and cool.  I like her.    

Kat date. 

Kat gossips with the Free Loader in her denim shirt and white shorts.  She’s no Emily but she looked great.  Juan Pablo shows up in “his” Tesla dressed even worse that he was for the first date.  The guy with the key to the editing machine is probably partying with the guy with the key to the wardrobe box this week. 

They jump aboard “his” private jet and—in the spirit of being consistently mysterious this week—Juan Pablo refuses to reveal their destination.  Kat shows off her dimples and Juan Pablo tries not to try too hard to be charming or whatever.  

He dons his electric warm up suit and presents her with a horrible outfit.  She laments the loss of her white shorts (as did I, Kat.  As did I) and puts on the ridiculous outfit before they head to Salt Lake City’s version of every day in Miami.  They pretend to have fun at the Electric Run while screaming half sentences in each other’s ears over the invasive techno music.  

“Kat, wheel you assept these rose?” is screamed into a microphone in front of every non-Mormon in Salt Lake City.  

She assepts the rose. 

After all that, no dinner.   And no Harrison.  “The drunk footage had better be good,” I said between Lone Star sips. 

Back at the Mansion the Group Date Card arrives.  Clare reads it from the safe, secure position of already holding a rose.
Chelsie, Kristy, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Alli, Chantal, Nikki, Elise, Victoria, and Lucy get the lucky group field trip.  

Amy, Danielle, and Sharleen get to hang around the mansion in their warm ups and Ugh boots.  It never occurs to them that the possibility of doing that far outweighs the humiliation in store for the others on the Group Date.    

Group Date.   

Short dresses and short shorts rule the day as the women bolt to the limo for some pre-date champagne.   In light of the fact that she can’t catch her own, Kelly hopes to catch Juan Pablo’s eye and Victoria remains remarkably sober.  Lucy flashes her average boobs for effect again (yawn) before some Chinese guy with a blue beard announces the rules of the Models and Mutts photo shoot which is, of course, for a good cause.  

(Read: if we ask you to violate one of your strong moral convictions you should oblige because you may save a dog).   

The chicks meet the dogs and head to hair and make up.  Andi’s control issues become glaringly apparent when she and Elise figure out they may have to pose semi naked for (say it with me) a good cause.  

Elise—the first grade teacher—is smart enough to haul ass over to Lucy while Andi is still blinded by the potential lack of control.  Of course, Lucy will pose naked.  They switch outfits.  Andi feels compelled to tell us that she puts people in jail every day.   I’m not really sure that that has to do with posing semi-naked but Andi is  convinced that District Attorneys should be precluded from posing naked for good causes.  Noted.    

Juan Pablo takes his cue from the Producers that he’s looking forward to getting to know Cassandra.  We soon learn why she’s a “former” and not “current” NBA dancer.  

If you’re going to sleep with the players, Cassandra, make sure at least one of them is willing to marry you instead of just willing to hammer out a visitation agreement and pay child support.  Andi should put that guy in jail. 

Kelly, the dog lover, seemed very passionate about the date.  She loves her dogs like she loves her eyes:  Stray.  She was so passionate that she allowed herself to be spray painted brown.  She seemed really sincere but I’m concerned for Juan Pablo.  My fear is that he’ll date her only to find out that she’s been seeing someone on the side the entire time.   Boom!  Lazy eye joke.  You're welcome.

The rest of the date was uneventful other than when Juan Pablo subtly talked Andi into a semi-nude picture.  You know, for a good cause.  Ah, the ends justify the means argument.  That's so Consequentialist of him. (Whoever said my Philosophy Minor would never come in handy can suck it.)  Andi buys what he's selling and grabs the sign.  We all pray that a few dogs were saved as a result of Andi setting her puppies free.  

Cocktail Party and time for the Brazilian Blow Out.  

Tiny and shiny cocktail dresses flash about as the group hits the rooftop (where else?) patio of the Watermark Hotel.  Victoria starts drinking.  Boy did she start drinking. 

Cassandra fesses up to sleeping with the Lakers and confesses that she loves and misses her son before breaking down in a giant bathroom.  Renee—also a mother—comforts her while simultaneously missing her own child. 

I said this on Twitter and I’ll say it here.  If Juan Pablo were really paying attention, he’d pay more attention to Renee.  She won’t win (I’ll give you a guy’s perspective on why it will be Nikki and not Renee later down the road) but she’s showing herself to be nurturing, kind, and level-headed while everyone else around her (save Nikki) is caving to the pressure like a drunk Brazilian’s liver under the weight of two bottles of cheap chardonnay and that starter vodka and tonic she downed on the way up the elevator.  

If you needed any more evidence of my Renee Theory than the one-on-one between her and Juan Pablo where she not-so-subtly asked for a kiss and didn’t receive one, then you’re not seeing what I’m seeing.  Stay tuned. 

Nikki feels compelled to sit Victoria down for some constructive advice regarding Victoria's prodigious and apparently unquenchable thirst for Yellow Tail.  In what will be undoubtedly my favorite line from this season, Nikki tells her to “tone it down” a bit.  Classic.  That’s like telling a peacock to tone down its feathers or asking a 747 to tone down the engine noise a bit on the landing. 

Victoria was already super hammered.  Nikki’s advice came later than Cassandra’s last missed period after the 2012 NBA Western Conference Finals victory party.  Elise tries to help but Victoria's grasp on the English language was worse than Juan Pablo’s at that point.  Awesome. I grabbed another Lone Star after hitting “pause” and settled in to watch the mess unfold.   

Juan Pablo gets some one on one with Nikki.  

Let me clarify my position on her in light of the fact that she apparently annoys some of you enough for you to send me emails about it.   Look, I’m not saying she’s perfect.  What I’m saying is that it is crystal clear that Juan Pablo is far more into her than he is any of the other women.  Why?  She’s attractive, has a step-mom friendly career, and--MOST IMPORTANTLY—she’s being herself.  

Juan Pablo may act a bit dopey but he’s proven that he’s not oblivious.  Sharleen got the First Impression Rose for the same reason.  Let’s get back to Victoria and her yet-to-be metabolized alcohol-rich blood, shall we?

Victoria shows up hammered in her bikini and blazes past Juan Pablo and Nikki in the middle of one-on-one.  She wandered more aimlessly than Kelly's eye.  The look on his face was priceless and Nikki wisely kept her grin shut and let the events unfold without getting involved.  Hell, the bus was already headed off the cliff.  There was no need to run up behind it and push it off. 

Victoria and her tunnel vision do her best Alice in the rabbit hole impression before being shut down at the elevator doors by the poor bastard who drew the short straw on the Bachelor crew.  Dejected and freezing, she does what any drunk Brazilian would do under the same or similar circumstances:  she runs to the nearest bathroom and begins crying in the stall.  Dios Mio. 

Renee continues to babysit.  I was surprised by that move under the stall.  You’d think they would have asked Kelly to keep an eye on her.  She could have done that without crawling under the stall.   Where was Kelly when a crooked look could have straightened Victoria out earlier in the evening?  To be fair, she was probably busy eyeing Juan Pablo.  I really should keep an open mind.  There’s no need to be near-sighted about the situation.  The last thing Kelly needs is another pupil to teach.  It’s probably best she chose to turn a blind eye to Victoria’s situation.  Out of sight, out of mind, after all.  Kelly would probably have a hard time seeing eye to eye with her anyway.   

I know.  I’m awful.  If it’s any consolation, that wasn’t fun to type.  Kelly is one of the few girls who seems sure of herself, confident, and she also appears to have a good sense of humor.  I feel terrible for taking cheap shots at her.  In fact, Eye feel terrible.  Eye felt better when Juan Pablo pre-sented Kelly with the date rose.  Let’s face it; she deserved it.  Before they can celebrate, Juan Pablo gets called away to deal with an intoxicated Brazilian.       

Clearly over it, he leaves her drunk ass in the shitter and heads to Harrison’s suite for a drink and a cigar.  Victoria gets thrown in a hotel room to sleep it off.  She's vee-see-ted  the next morning by an apathetic Juan Pablo and summarily booted to the curb after issuing an insincere apology and characterizing herself as “a little bit drunk” the night before.  

Right, and the Grand Canyon is a little hole in Arizona and Cassandra was a little bit pregnant after the 2011 NBA Western Conference Finals After Party.  Frankly, she looked relieved.  How awkward will it be when Juan Pablo and this season’s new fiancé get a night out in Miami and bump into Victoria and her friends at a South Beach dance club?  I’ll be scanning the grocery store displays for pictures of that meeting in OK Magazine a month from now. 

We all know that Juan Pablo did the right thing in light of the fact that he’s looking for a step-mom as well as a wife.  Have fun hitting the “Ignore” button on your iPhone over and over again when your father gets a look at the footage, Victoria.  

If you choose a behavior you also choose the consequences—especially if that behavior is filmed under the wide umbrella of a reality show legal release.    Andi should put her in jail.  On a positive note, Juan Pablo assepted her apology.     

M&M Commercial.  Nice touch.  I thought it was funny.  Back to the show.

Pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail party. 

Juan Pablo drops the I send drunk girls home news.  “Es naught Ee-see,” he tells us.  Neither is the English language, Juan Pablo, but that hasn’t stopped you from trying it.  He made the right decision and everyone knows it.  Everyone drinks to that.    

Juan Pablo spends time with Amy, Sharleen, and Danielle in light of the fact that they’ve been sitting at the mansion trying not to eat too much all day because the camera adds ten pounds and that cocktail dress that looks so cute on will definitely show a pooch and it's too short to wear the good Spanxx and besides they'll have some light food at the cocktail party and they can eat then while they're drinking and that's good because wine has a lot of calories.  

He bumps into a few others, including the ever-proper Sharleen and the ever-talkative Clare.

Of note:  Danielle straightened her hair for the big Rose Ceremony.  The SGIA jury is still out on her.  I can’t decide if the curly, unfortunate hair looked better than the product soaked, freshly ironed hair looked.  Maybe she can loan some of that straightening stuff to Kelly to put in her eye.    

Harrison shows up.  Finally!  Like Danielle’s hair, the world is straight again.  Harrison tees up the “it’s been a tough week” speech before turning things over to Juan Pablo.  The Roses are dispensed. 

"[Insert Name of Young Hopeful] wheel you assept these rose?"

The following women assept.   

1.         Kat
2.         Kelly
3.         Clare
4.         Cassandra
5.         Nikki
6.         Andi
7.         Elise
8.         Sharleen
9.         Renee
10.       Danielle
11.       Lucy (boo)
12.       Alli
13.       Chelsie
14.       Lauren
15.       Christie

Amy, the News Reporter, loses with class.  She tears up but manages to keep it together.  She’s young, attractive, and seems genuinely sweet.  She’ll do fine but will likely have to sleep with a bunch of frogs before she finds her Prince.  For now, she’ll be relegated to covering local County Fairs and standing on the seawall in gale force winds just hours ahead of an approaching hurricane. 

Chantel, also lost with class but broke down a bit more than Amy.  As I said before, she seemed too nice, too smart, and too reserved to compete with the bigger personalities.  Like Amy, she’ll do just fine after she returns home.  When you get tossed this early in the game and can do it with your dignity in tact, that’s the best you can hope for.  Let’s hope she received some good swag on the way out.   

Well, there it is.  Late, but complete.  Story of my life.  Until next time, take care of yourselves and enjoy Sean and Catherine’s wedding on Sunday.  I won’t be watching.  I just can’t do it.  Don't forget that next week's post will be late.  I'll be hitting the slopes in Breckenridge with Mrs. Some Guy.    

Follow me on Twitter and suggest that others do too.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be drinking myself into a frenzy before retiring to the classy confines of a public restroom stall in order to cry my eyes out.  DP


  1. Ahhh, I've missed your hilarious posts. Didn't read last season, as I moved to London and tragically, there is no Bachelor here. I've reached a low point and started having my husband download this season for me, but JUST so I can read your blog and understand the posts afterwards! Have fun at Breckenridge!

  2. I've had loyal London followers for years. I wonder if they load it on HULU or whatever? I'm glad you've made the effort to keep reading and watching this season. Good luck in London. DP

  3. And your edginess paid off. The eye jokes, most of them, had me laughing. "She loves her dogs like she loves her eyes: Stray. " "The Brazilian Blow Out", classic. That's all I will say about that hot mess. Loved the NBA dancer quips. And, of course, your insights. Worth the wait.

    1. Thanks, ~Cariss. Good to see you're still here.

  4. Great post as always! I could not stop laughing at Victoria saying she did the "HYMEN Meneuver" on Juan Pablo.

  5. Assept...OMGosh, every time I read it I cracked up as much as the first time. The eye jokes were great. Great post DP!

    1. I don't know why i feel like I have the right to insult the guy. He does, after all, speak two languages. My Spanish is horrible. Then again, I'm not on TV in Venezuela. DP

  6. Loved all the eye jokes, they were hilarious. Especially: She loves her dogs like she loves her eyes: Stray.

    1. It's awful that I wrote it and it's even worse that it went over so well. Sigh. DP

  7. My favorite is the equation, although I think the J value should be inversely related to the A times D squared...... Why are people hating on Nikki, BTW?

    1. Chirssy, go easy on the math formulas, would you? I've got a total of 12 hours of math credits in my entire graduate and post graduate education. As for Nikki, I don't know. She seems nice enough so far. DP

  8. Wheel you assept these rose? OMG best laugh I've had all day!

  9. Missed the first hour cause vacation fun was the priority but got to see Victorias meltdown. She was a mess and glad JP cut her loose Loved the "Juan-dering" eye jokes about Kelly. Even on your bad days you can still crack me up
    Sal in Utah

    1. Sal in Utah, you didn't miss much. I'm also retiring the lazy eye jokes next week so I'm glad you enjoyed them. Mean, yes. She seems lovely. Thanks for hanging around. DP

    2. Lovely? I'm going to have to disagree with you there, DP. She seems quite judgmental which is a great thing to be if you're a viewer but not so much if you're a viewee. Perhaps she's stressed about the current status of the Dog Lover job market. What's your take on what that pays? Hopefully vision insurance is part of the benefits package. See what I did there? She didn't.


    3. I was being polite, Sal. Solid work on the comment, though. Vision insurance? Wow. DP

    4. This was my second post to you - the first being last season. Both times you complimented my comments. Your writing not only improves my spirits, it boosts my ego. Wins all around.

      CK (Not Sal)

  10. "Clearly over it, he leaves her drunk ass in the shitter .." lmao!!!
    Worth the wait, DP. You're awesome.

    1. You have no idea how happy I am that someone appreciates that line. Thanks for having the same warped sense of humor as I do. DP

  11. Some chica in HoustonJanuary 16, 2014 at 6:57 PM

    Eye loved your recap--- you hit a bulls eye (& a home run) :-)!

  12. Kidnappings are all the rage in South America these days... :) :)
    Loved the post. Hilarious.
    I decided to watch this week and find myself liking Juan Pablo more than I expected...probably bc he didn't fall for the Brazilian drama like someone else fell for Tierra's eyebrow.
    Have fun in CO. Maybe you'll find a random hot tub in a snowy field and then someone who was on the Voice (maybe) will be there with a guitar to treat you to the most AMAZING date ever!

    1. Great to see you're STILL reading, Mary. We need to get together soon when you're in my town. I'll send photos of my steamy hot tub experience. DP

  13. that is hilarious about the edit. I accused my husband of somehow f*cking up being able to run the DVR and we rewound it twice trying to figure out wth was going on. it is never a confidence booster when you can't figure out wth is going on when watching the bach-e-lore - alisa in Colorado :)

  14. Loved your recap! Totally noticed on this episode how many times JP used the word "elegant" to describe the girls he really likes. And for what it's worth, Kat looks like a young (and prettier) Brett Butler!