Thursday, September 17, 2009

Here Today, Gone to Tali. Luke Decides on More to Love

Oh my, what a season and what a finish. Luke made the big choice and popped the big question. The two hour finale of More to Love had some interesting moments and left us believing that fat people can find love too. (Did anyone actually ever doubt that?)

First, I’d like to apologize for putting this post up a day late. I had some deadlines to meet in the job I actually get paid to do. Speaking of getting paid, how in the hell did Emme justify collecting a paycheck for the show? Seriously. All she did the entire season was show up at the end of each episode, collect the rings in a bowl, and leave. I’m jealous. Johnny Carson works less than her . . . now. Props to her for coming out of obscurity and walking right back into it. I’m sure she’s putting in a pool as we speak.

As is customary, the finale began with a look at Luke’s “journey.” We had flashbacks of the limos arriving like train cars at a cattle auction, memorable moments from the season, and a voice over from Luke about making it to the final ceremony and choosing the new potential Mrs. Conoly. Tali talked. Malissa talked. We all became anxious. Our living rooms were inseminated with the seed of speculation and Americans engaged in spirited discourse about which curvy cutie would win Luke’s pre-arteriosclerotic heart.

Tali is first up to meet Luke’s family. Luke shows up to the park to meet Tali casually dressed in giant cargo shorts with his dog. Tali is appropriately dressed in “I’m meeting the family for the first time in a casual setting” attire but she fails to complete the standard “skip/run through the park and jump and wrap your legs around your potential future husband’s waist” move that Jillian and every size 2 Bachelor/Bachelorette female contestant is taught in reality show training. I guess there are some things that only skinny people should do.

Tali pretends she likes dogs and they walk romantically through the park to a pre-staged picnic where they discuss their feelings. I was going to ask why there is always food, but I believe that’s obvious. The tension on Luke’s face when Tali asks if her “background” will be an issue is thicker than the plaque in his arteries. Translation: Am I too dark and Jewish for your family? I’ll give Luke credit for addressing it like a man. He all but apologized for his dad who—as we will later see—took time out from his Arayan book club meeting to meet the potential future Mrs. Conoly. Luke informs us that his parents are divorced and that Tali will have the pleasure of meeting dear old dad first.

When they arrive at Luke’s dad’s house it is apparent that Luke is a tad embarrassed by his dad. Maybe it was just me but I sensed some issues between them. Luke is clearly a mama’s boy. Dad, who is already a couple of sheets in, seems to enjoy drinking and having people around. He hides his disdain for Jews and dark skin well enough to make it to the dinner table without starting a race war. Tali sneaks off in a pre-planned meeting with Luke’s grandmother who looks like the grandmother from the Beverly Hillbillies. She asks Tali a series of pre-production canned questions and does a poor job acting like she gets the entire reality show concept. Bless her heart. She’s an old lady. Maybe she can be on Too Old To Love as our first Widow-ette or whatever. At the dinner table Luke’s drunk dad draws a line in the sand by insisting on saying an overtly non-Jewish blessing over the food. Tali handles it appropriately and then gets grilled by the family about her “background.” Whatever. Luke eventually gets his dad to back off by dismissing his concerns and sort of sticks up for Tali. Disaster averted.
Malissa is next. For some reason they meet in a pool hall. Malissa proceeds to whip Luke’s large ass in a game of pool. Man, you’ve got to love a lady. What occurs next is baffling. They enjoy a light pre-dinner snack of pizza and beer. Luke confesses that he eats pizza a few times a week while Malissa only admits to eating it “about once a week.” Right. Once a week. That must be why she’s so dainty.

When they arrive at Luke’s dad’s house Luke’s dad commences hitting on Malissa by complimenting her “Irish eyes” and throwing a few beers down her throat. Luke should have just offered her to him and ended it right there. Malissa “loves” dad’s love for our Lord and Savior and expresses excitement when he asks permission to say grace at his own table. Give me a break. Luke looks clearly annoyed. His father actually drops a “well, the choice is pretty clear, isn’t it?” and Luke suppresses the urge to rip off his f*cking head by reminding his dad that the choice belongs to him. Luke’s dial tone of a brother offers a peacemaking suggestion that the decision is not as clear as Luke’s neo-Nazi father believes. I’m certain that moment was played out thousands of times during their childhood. Classic. I would have preferred a headlock or a “you were never much of a father!” blast, but Luke proved himself to be a real man. Frankly, he handled it better than I would have. After throwing down a few more beers with Adolf Conoly and another staged conversation with Granny Clampett, Malissa heads out confident that she’s got the ring in the bag. I’m sure she had a celebratory pizza when she got back to the room, you know, as a bedtime snack.

Just as I was bored to tears, it’s the girls' turn to meet mom. It’s clear that Luke trusts and respects his mom and—dare I say—is going to do exactly what she says. When she arrives at the house dressed in some sort of pinstriped judo uniform thing she resembles a fat Diane Keaton minus the leather gloves and self-importance. She seems a little cold and formal and it’s clear why she dumped Luke’s old man. Ironically, her name is Faith (more about that later).
Malissa begins sucking up like a newborn pig to a sow's belly and Faith clearly isn’t buying it. Finally, someone who can see past the force field of Malissa’s giant boobs. Malissa goes out of her way to sell herself and even refers to herself as a “main character” on the show. Luke looks pissed and does an awful job at poker-facing the remaining minutes of the show. The only one who doesn’t know Malissa is toast is Malissa herself. Tali plays it cool, is respectful, and watches Malissa seal her fate. Mom chops off the boobs of the dragon in her meeting with Luke when she makes it clear that she hates Malissa. She discusses Tali’s “background” and gives Luke some motherly advice about her potential future grandkids. Ironically, it was “Faith” that put them together. Oh, I love it.

The final dates are uneventful to the extent that we’ve seen it all before. Both girls drop the “L” word and Luke reciprocates. In the end, Luke ended up seeing through Malissa and her giant boobs and picking the non-believer Tali. Malissa was pissed off but eventually managed some fake tears in the limo.

As cynical as I am about these shows, Luke and Tali actually looked happy and sincere. I’m rooting for them. Bring on the Bachelor!

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