Luke Eats Some Pie . . .The Fatchelor Scores

More to Love was down to the final three this week and Luke narrowed his focus and laid on the charm. Well, not really, but it was a good lead in. With my attention distracted by the My Antonio train wreck I have to admit that my interest in this show is quickly losing steam. However, we’re down to the “big” finale next week and I’m committed to see it through.

This week the contestants were crated up and shipped off to Hawaii and treated to one on one dates with our Fatchelor, Luke. I really don’t understand the choice of venue. Didn’t we just see Jillian dismiss that alleged cheater Wes and move on to that real cheater Ed in Hawaii? Do we really need to be in Hawaii again? It brings back so many painful memories for me. I weep for Kiptyn and Reid like Jake wept on the balcony of the Hyatt in Austin. I’d like to see the final dates set in a place more conducive to fat white people like Wisconsin or Michigan, for instance. Nonetheless, Hawaii it is. Incidentally, Michigan is the only state in the country that classifies fat people as a protected class. You can actually sue someone in Michigan if you’re discriminated against for being too fat. You’re welcome for the trivia. Feel free to impress your skinny friends at cocktail parties with that little tidbit. Back to More to Love.

We begin with the first luau and realize yet another reason why this show should have been filmed in a more temperate place. Despite his incredibly fashionable Mexican waiter shirt and delicate linen slacks, Luke was sweating like a hooker in church. I half expected steam to come out of his ears. I began to believe my Frosty the Snowman analogy from last week. They could have at least put up an umbrella for the guy. Regardless, Luke is as charming as ever when he announces that the group dates are over and each woman will get the pleasure of a one on one date. Finally. Malissa grins knowingly, Tali smiles (I assume she could smile because the heat softened the ice in her veins), and Mandy raises her hands and let’s out a whoo hoo. In reality TV land this is known as foreshadowing. Mandy’s celebration is her Swan Song. It’s her Little Big Horn. Her ground war against the Russians in the dead of winter. Her sip of curdled milk after a night of binge drinking. Her dropped left hand in the 12th round of a title fight. Her double expresso in the car the morning after a big Mexican meal. You get the picture. I really wish she didn’t have to go out that way. If she could have tamed her insecurities, she might have won. Oh well. Someone has to get Jillian-ed here so she can get asked back to be the Fatchelorette. It might as well be Mandy. I liked her.

Malissa draws the first date straw and she and Luke are whisked away to play with the dolphins. That sounds like a lot of fun . . . unless you happen to be a dolphin. Apparently, the producers were able to summon the world’s strongest dolphin because it dragged Luke and Malissa across the marina like nobody’s business. I hope he got some extra whatever dolphins like to eat in exchange for pulling the heavy load. Apparently, Luke was too distracted by Malissa’s giant boobs to recall the fiasco of meeting her ball busting sisters the week before because Luke and Malissa again have the engagement/attraction/connection/future together talk followed by (big surprise) dinner. Upon looking erotically into each other’s eyes and espousing their physical attraction to one another, Luke drops the “dessert is in my hotel room” line and Malissa eats it up faster than she did her entrée. They presumably skip dessert (either that or they inhaled it so fast the camera could not catch it) and head directly for the bedroom for some full-sized lovin', touchin’, and squeezin’. I could have done without the smooching and moaning sounds but Luke seemed to be making adequate progress and presumably closed the deal. Good for him.

Luke appears the next morning unscathed from unhooking Malissa’s bra. My bet is that he needed an Allen wrench to undo that thing. Tali shows up to collect her sloppy seconds and Luke announces they are going on a boat ride. He’s excited about this he tells us because Tali was apparently in the Israeli navy. Huh? I’ll give Luke credit for trying, but we quickly learn that Tali’s biggest fear is the water. What the f*ck? Joining the navy and being afraid of water is like joining a sorority and being afraid of date rape. To make matters worse for Luke (who I haven’t felt this sorry for since his date with “I’m a fat virgin” Danielle), has to listen to how Tali is put off because she doesn’t like being in a swimsuit and hasn’t even been in the water since she was 12 years old. Between this and her Uncle Leo’s “her parents hate Christians” speech last week, you’d think Luke would be smart enough to push her off the boat. Nope. He patiently coaxes her into the water for some snorkeling. Props to Luke for putting up with the aggravation and congrats to Tali for facing her fears. Nice job. I still think she’s boring. Apparently, Luke doesn’t though because he’s beaming when he picks her up for dinner despite the poofy black weird looking dress thing she’s wearing. Luke again drops a version of “dessert is in my room” and she takes the bait. Tali makes a comment about facing her fears and saying that she’s not going to do what she normally does and she’s going to take a chance on love by going back to Luke’s room. Translation: I’m not usually a lascivious bimbo, but I will be to win this show. I’m certain her fun-hating parents will be none too happy. Good for you, Tali. Luke and Tali slosh around in the hot tub and talk about the future. As before, I could have done without the smooching and moaning sounds but Luke seemed to be making adequate progress and presumably closed the deal. Good for him.

After scrubbing his genitals and restocking his wallet with the final condom from his Trojan 3-pack, Luke meets Mandy for the final one on one date of the show. In Fredo-taking-a-boat-ride-esque fashion Mandy and Luke go four wheeling through the Hawaiian jungle, share a meal, and cordially smooch atop an outdoor mattress on a boat. Luke, who for some reason wore white Ted Knight like shoes and a white sport coat to dinner, is clearly uninterested but does his best to avoid the F-word (friend) in his interview. The ring ceremony goes off without a hitch. Emme shows up looking like a construction barricade in orange, collects the rings in the bowl, and leaves to join the crew at the buffet. Luke quickly nails the coffin containing Mandy’s dreams shut when he gives the first ring to Tali. Malissa and her boobs are next to collect their ring and Mandy is left whoo-hoo-less and rejected. Luke looks unapologetic, Mandy looks upset, and Malissa and Tali learn they get to meet the big guy’s family.

All in all it was a telling episode. Luke won't have to go to a Hawaiin drugstore to buy more condoms and he eliminated an obstacle to his happiness. Next week is family week and then the big final decision. My money is on Tali to win because I think Luke’s family will see through Malissa and pick the less of two evils. I suppose it’s better to marry a water-fearing non-believer than a child-hating leech. We’ll see what happens.