Alright, so I’ve been forced out of semi-retirement early by my “friends” who insist on f’ing around at “work” and sniffing the glue of internet fodder concerning the question on the tip of every American’s tongue: Who will be the next Bachelor?
I’ll humor all of you but, for the record, my prediction is that the show does what’s best and takes last season out behind the shed and beats it to death with a garden rake. True, there are three viable candidates left (five if you give Wes and Ed a chance to cheat again), but all three of them just don’t have the charisma to hold an audience’s attention for a full season. It would be like trying to dribble a half inflated basketball all the way down the court. The 15 minutes that Reid, Kiptyn, and Jake enjoyed should be left in its grave. There are plenty of other attention seeking, late 20’s-early 30’s, protein shake drinking, shirtless, outdoor running, chin-up in the park doing, d-bags in America looking to take a public “journey” in order to find a “connection” with a hot, desperate, emotionally damaged, gold digging, bulimic working in “Real Estate Sales” or “Fitness Training.” Did I mention gold digging? Let’s turn the page already. You hear me, Harrison? Turn. The. Freaking. Page.
With that out of my system, I will now present my hypothetical Bachelor pros and cons if Reid, Kiptyn, or Jake is selected.
1. Reid-- This guy seems like the most obvious choice to me. Why? Because he clearly demonstrated that he wants to be on the show. Over and over and over and over again he showed up like a bad rash trying to win Jillian’s heart away from two cheaters and a cheeseball but was turned down like a bed at a fancy hotel. They might as well have left a chocolate on his lapel. His last attempt to crash the final rose ceremony and propose to Jillian was-in a word-f*cking humiliating. He needs a chance to redeem himself—to rebuild his self confidence. Let’s face it, there are enough women out there who think this guy is bitchin’ and—based on the fact that they all write letters to Chris Harrison—Reid has a shot. UPSIDE: It was fun watching him get kicked in the balls twice last season. It would be fun watching him be indecisive and short again. He seems like a relatively nice guy despite the shots I take at him, and hell, if he’s volunteering they should let him give it the old college try. Maybe he can drop the hammer in the fantasy suite again. DOWNSIDE: He’s Chandler Bing. Literally. He’s anal, whiney, indecisive, and neurotic. Plus, we’d be reminded about how Jillian broke his heart and, frankly, I’m tired of hearing about her—well, at least until she and Ed announce their breakup.
2. Kiptyn-- Frankly, he seems like the most unlikely choice for me. Actually, every prediction I’ve made concerning reality shows has been wrong, but I have a feeling about this one—perhaps that’s just the cabbage I had for lunch. Why is he an unlikely choice? First, his controlling mom appeared to have enough last season when he brought Jillian home and she begrudgingly let her into the giant beachside mansion that her second husband bought to shut her up. Something tells me that what mom says goes. Do you think he voluntarily kept the name “Kiptyn”? Please. Once is enough and Kiptyn needs to go back to doing the fake job his step father created for him. He’s better off letting sleeping bitches lie. Second, the guy clearly wasn’t ready to get married last season. Oh sure, he proposed, but only after making it to the final ring thing and—I’m sure—a terse conversation with the show’s producers. Stay single, dude. It suits you. UPSIDE: He’s got good body (no, I’m not gay) and every female viewer would get to drool into her wine glass every time they showed him toweling off, running down the beach, or groping one of the chicks in a hot tub.
Incidentally, does anyone ever notice that the hot tubs are never turned on? I suppose it’s a sound issue, but the show is fake anyway. Can’t they dub that in later? I’d like my reality television to be a little more like reality. No one sits in a hot tub when it’s off. It’s too hard to pee.
DOWNSIDE: The guy has huge ears. Seriously, he looks like a Cadillac with the doors open. Also, he’s as dry as dry gets. We’d get sick of the forced conversation and repetitive jokes. Remember when he tried to flamenco last season? Disaster. He’s boring. Finally, his name pisses me off.
3. Jake-- I know by now most of you think this guy should be the guy. However, none of you have my prodigious insider connections. However, even without my insider connections, I still think this guy is the definition of “tool” and should just go back to Dallas and play in his cockpit. There should be a standing rule on the Bachelor that any guy who cries—no sobs—uncontrollably on the interior balcony of a hotel after he’s been kicked off the show by the person he’s crying over should never be allowed to be the next bachelor. Back to my insider connections. Word on the street says that Jake is a religious nut who has told more than one person that he believes that God wants him to be the next bachelor. Apparently, he believes that God wanted him to be on 7 shows last season, which is why he thought it was the right move that he return after his 6th show to rat on Wes with hearsay and conjecture about an alleged relationship Wes might possibly be sort of involved in . . .maybe. Wes literally received death threats and the alleged girlfriend did too. I guess Jake skipped over that whole “don’t bear false witness” stuff. Just to be clear, I have no problem if he’s religious. It’s comforting to know that the guy flying me from Dallas to wherever believes in being a good person. However, adding the “God wants us to be together” card to a mix of destiny references and “she’s an angel sent from Heaven” talk will get real old real fast. I’d be willing to put up with it, however, if I thought there was a chance of Wes showing up on one of Jake’s dates and revealing some sort of homoerotic modeling pictures Jake took in college. No such luck. UPSIDE: I’d have tons of new material. DOWNSIDE: I’d have to watch Jake all season.
Well, there it is. We will see what happens. In the meantime, don’t call me. I’ll be holding my breath.