Tuesday, January 5, 2010

The New Season Takes Off. . .Gag

Welcome back! After an all too long hiatus, I’m back in action as everyone’s favorite reality show, The Bachelor, launches another season. I was going to begin with a series of aeronautical metaphors and sexual innuendo but after watching the opening episode, it’s clear that there’s plenty of that to go around. So here we go. My take for the next 13 weeks begins now.

Alright, as predicted, Jake is the new bachelor. Because he’s a pilot—a fact that we are constantly reminded of—the new season has been christened “The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love.” Come on.

After lead in after lead in and Jake prancing around in his cute little flight shirt and spouting out things like, “I’ve been in the pilot seat most of my life,” and “my office is at 37,0000 feet,” and “flying is my art,” I literally almost abandoned the blog. “Flying is my art?” Really? The guy is a cargo pilot. That means he flies plane loads full of Chinese junk and rubber dog shit from Dallas to wherever. If that’s art, then this blog is the freaking Mona Lisa. Get over yourself, Jake. And just how many showers does this guy take every day? Seriously, Jersey Shore is more subtle. You’d think he was in a chemical spill.

At the beginning of the episode we are reminded of how Jake got kneed in the crotch last year by Jillian after being out played by Ed. Despite the humiliation, Jillian and Ed’s guest appearance on the show is touted with the standard “they’re still together” shots. Ed looked semi-drunk and contractually obligated. Jillian looked great in her Ann-Margaret dress but her nose was still big and her Canadian accent was still annoying. By the way, why is Ann-Margaret hyphenated?

We then see the gratuitous slow motion shots of a shirtless Jake jogging meaningfully down the beach searching for love beneath every grain of sand (since when is there a beach in Dallas?). Yes ladies, he’s strolling the streets of Dallas contemplating the woman of his dreams. “Oh, if she just appeared my life would be perfect,” Jake’s forlorn and contemplative look screams without saying a word. Yes, he’s walked his way through fire in search of love and, damn it, his pastel colored shirts and scruffy face let us know that. He’s ready for love. Enough already. We get it.

We are then subjected to a series of fake scenes of Jake completing some pseudo pre-flight check list in his cockpit. Please. We’re aware he’s a pilot. Jesus. The next shot is a perplexing one. For some reason we see Jake shirtless in his backyard with power tools constructing what appears to be a gazebo. A gazebo? Apparently, Jake wants teenagers to have sex in his backyard. Either that or he’s having a bake off for the 4th of July. Odd.

After reinforcing that Jake is a pilot from Dallas for another 5 minutes we see Jake looking a lot like Maxwell Caufield from Grease 2 riding his motorcycle down the PCH, presumably in search of love. I was waiting for Michelle Pfeiffer to pop out from behind a car and sing Cool Rider while Jake dodged oncoming thugs. No such luck. During his cycling sojourn for love we hear a voice over of Jake explaining how nice guys like him always finish last. We know. He’s too perfect. Too nice. Nice guys don’t finish last. Cheesy, shallow, insincere ones do, Jake. What a douche.

Look, in the interest of full disclosure, I was willing to let the water run under the balcony he cried over last season and give him another shot. I tried. I can’t stand his Tom Cruise-ish fake charm and stupid “I’m better than you” grin. I hope he picks a crazy one. Jake tells us that he’s looking for a fiancé. I swear I heard a lisp. (More about that later). We also get foreboding shots of him crying on an outdoor balcony—a harbinger of the “most dramatic season ever.” Well, at least until the next season. Incidentally, can someone use WebMD or Wikipedia to find out if crying on a balcony is an actual medical condition? His propensity to cry on balconies might be a medical problem as opposed to him just being a p word. I’m just sayin’.

Finally, Chris Harrison emerges looking swarmy as ever in a noticeably thinner and less colorful tie and black suit. Purple is the new black, but Harrison doesn’t follow the rules. Let’s face it the guy is Money. I wish I had his gig. In one of the two episodes where he actually has to work, Harrison pulls Jake aside for an awkward and forced one on one where Jake mentions his penchant for feeling lonely on “stormy Sundays.” Stop it, Jake.

FINALLY, we get to meet the ladies. I’ve summed them up below as best as I can recall and included their rose/no rose status. Feel free to print this and use it as an impromptu score sheet.

1. Ali—attractive but not too hot. She tells us she’s been dumped for video games and that her ex actually snuck into her roommate’s room to cheat on her while she was sleeping. Hey Ali, you’re bad in bed. Trust me. That’s the problem. Nonetheless, she greets Jake with a peacock feather. Stupid, yes. But props for not going with the flying metaphor. For the intellectuals out there, I’m sure you can appreciate the irony of the peacock being an essentially flightless bird. I’m certain that didn’t dawn on Ali, though. She became the second girl to fall on the first evening when she spirited Jake away for some “private” time. Apparently, someone put too much Everclear in the slut punch. She ripped her dress and laughed it off. It would have been more entertaining if she’d have screamed rape. She also drew the answer of the night when she asked Jake his top priorities. “God, family, friends,” was his answer. What about marriage, you moron? Classic. Despite forgetting her name when it was called, she got a rose.

2. Alexa—The producers need to check this one for an Adam’s apple. Her balls were clearly bigger than Jake’s. Her leather gloves were reminiscent of O.J. and she was about as feminine as Artie Lange. Normal guys are attracted to girls who ride on the back of motorcycles, not the ones who use them as their sole transportation. She scared me. No rose.

3. Tenley—We were treated to a montage of her dancing in a bikini on the beach telling us how she toured the world as Cinderella, Belle, and Ariel. God bless her. It’s moments like these when I love this show. The montage was the only thing more gratuitous than Jake’s shower scenes (all 15 of them). However, it was quickly obvious that Tenley’s IQ was only an eightly or a ninely. She was cute and seemed nice—just not bright. Still, she had the nerve to get Jake alone and ask for a kiss. Jake looked horrified. In looking at Jake she might as well have asked him to pee on her. Dude, lighten up—homo. She earned the first impression rose despite giving Jake cooties. Good for you, Tenely. Stupid is as stupid does.

4. Elizabeth—NORMAL, CONFIDENT, PLEASANT, ATTRACTIVE BUT NOT HOT. She was way too together to last. She probably would have melted down like copper in a smelter anyway. I was rooting for her. Alas, no rose.

5. Rozlyn—Oh, Rozlyn. She tells us that she’s “been a model forever—at least 10 years.” She is clearly the most attractive woman of the bunch and, oddly enough, seems to carry it well. I like her chances, but assume she’ll eventually get ejected like Maverick and Goose over the Pacific Ocean. I look forward to seeing her in Playboy. Of course, she got a rose. Not even Jake is that dense.

6. Christina—Note to Christina: leading with consolation prizes for the ladies and proclaiming “I’m going to win,” is never a good way to make friends. Even the vapid Jake could see through that and the women clearly hated her. Nice move, you type A bitch. My prediction is that they keep her around for awhile for the drama. She could be the new Wes Hayden. I believe it was Dave Barry who said, “a person who is nice to you but mean to the waiter is not a nice person.” Christina should read Dave Barry. She got a rose anyway.

7. Vienna—. She’s unemployed, which is odd considering she holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Interpersonal Organization and Communication from the University of Central Florida. Whatever. She tells us that she “loves life.” Translation: I drink a lot and I’ll sleep with anyone. I’ll look forward to seeing her from 1-5 at various auto shows signing her Hooter’s calendar. She got a rose.

8. Ashley—She’s an uninteresting teacher whose mom shops for her. Weird. She also showed up in a flight attendant uniform at the cocktail party. More weird. Actually, I take that back. That one is all about poor timing. She should have saved that outfit for the Fantasy Suite. Of course, it would have been wasted on Jake, but you get the point. Nice try, Ashley. Props for running full speed at the end zone. She also claimed to be earning her PhD. In what, desperation? Bravo, Dr. Ashley. You pass. She got a rose.

9. Elizabeth—She’s a nanny who has seen “the ups and downs of love.” I’ll bet. Despite teeing up a filthy comment for me, she’s cool. She’s my front runner. I know, her boobs are really fake, blah, blah, blah. She was easy going, very attractive, fun, and—pay attention female readers—did not ooze desperation. She brought a football and actually threw it better than Jake did. Despite the staged “football game,” I give her credit for standing out without making a fool of herself. I was so rooting for a rolled ankle or a torn ACL in that game. No such luck. Jake will probably be stupid enough to send her home for a much more shallow bimbo, but I liked her. She got a rose.

10. Ella—she’s the hairstylist from Tennessee who stole her 7 year old son’s favorite toy and gave it to Jake in hopes of guilting him into a rose. She makes Glenn Close look stable. Are you kidding me? You can dress it up in pumps and an evening gown but you can’t hide crazy forever. Oddly enough, she’s ranks a distant second on the crazy list this season. She got a rose.

11. Gia—First of all, that’s a stripper’s name. Strike one. She also had a hair lip (look closely). Strike two. She’s very attractive until she opens her hair lip. She’s what my friends and I would have called a “Dropped French Fry” in high school. It’s kind of dirty, but you’d still eat it. She’ll make it far because Jake’s a tool. Predictably, she got a rose.

12. Kimberly—NBA dancer with a doughy face and an outdated haircut. Oh, and she wears too much make up. She’s no Paula Abdul. No rose, no way.

13. Emily—Desperate FIT Model. It was harder to tell what was bigger: the gaps in her teeth or the gaps in her personality. She was clearly a dress filler. Sorry, honey. I’m sure you’re nice. No rose.

14. Tiana—31 year old who looks like an alcoholic Olivia Newton John. Too mature (notice I didn’t say old) and together for Jake to keep. She was, at best, semi-attractive and had chip on her shoulder. See ya. No rose.

15. Cailyn—She’s the pageant girl who proclaimed she was there to “dominate.” That makes no sense. I didn’t expect her to go far. No rose.

16. Kirstin—she’s the unassuming waitress from Colorado. I liked her but she seemed a bit shy. She could have been my sleeper. Why? She’s not as attractive as most of the other girls and doesn’t appear to have the confidence (read “attitude”) as some of the other girls. She’s a blue collar worker who probably doesn’t expect to have her ass kissed 24 hours a day. Any man—except a dial tone like Jake—appreciates those qualities. No Rose.

17. Michelle—she’s “ready to be a wife.” We quickly find out that she’s nuts with a capital U. Even Ed and Jillian seemed horrified. She was like a better looking, younger version of Kathy Bates in Misery. She’s an Office Manager. Clearly, she manages a Post Office. Jillian characterized her as “emotional.” Right, and the Grand Canyon is a hole in the ground. Ed said she was “over sincere.” Translation: she’s off the reservation. She’ll stick around at the producers’ insistence. She got a rose.

18. Jessie—again, a non-event. The best thing she did was to attempt to undermine Rozlyn by saying she doesn’t trust her and pulling out the “not here for the right reasons” card. Translation: Rozlyn is way hotter than me. I hate her. She’ll stick around for an episode or two. Jake will appreciate her attempt to “not here for the right reasons” another superior contestant considering what he did to Wes. She got a rose. Hmmm.

19. Catherine—She’s the air tramp. . .errrr. . . flight attendant that I don’t recall anything about other than the fact that she had an imaginary fiancé and had an imaginary ring to prove it. To be fair, I had an imaginary friend named Carl when I was little. We played a lot of games and—bless his heart---Carl would usually let me win. She got a rose and was way too excited about it. If you get to the end zone, act like you’ve been there.

20. Valisha (sp?)—She gave Jake some dirt from Texas. Boooooo! No rose.

21. Channy—Channy, Channy, Channy. Why make it so easy for me? She was the token minority that Jake’s vanilla self would obviously eliminate. She proclaimed her desire to give Jake a case of “Cambodian Fever.” I had that once after eating at this place in East Austin. I couldn’t sit for a week. In a classic Bachelor moment Channing wasn’t booted until she uttered a secret Cambodian (isn’t that Laos now?) phrase to Jake at the limo intro. We find out later that it means, “Jake, you can land your plane on my landing strip any time.” Wow. That just happened. For once, I shared Jake’s horror. That’s the dirtiest thing said on TV since June Cleaver said, “Ward, I think you were too hard on the Beaver last night.” The good news is that every pilot in America who’s not Jake will be asking her out. No rose.

22. Ashleigh—She’s the leggy (or is it Leighy?) one who showed off her baby maker before taking a staged fall into Jake’s arms at the introduction. My only regret is that Jake didn’t sidestep her and let her taste defeat. Oh well, it’s a long season. She got a rose.

23. Shelia—fellow pilot who showed up in fake Aviator sunglasses. Since when does sharing an occupation qualify two people to be married? Bad play, Shelia. Your chance at love has been delayed. (I had to get in just one aviation metaphor). No rose.

24. Stephanie—Note to Stephanie—Short evening dress plus pom pom coaching career equals tramp. Stick to ruining teenage girl’s self esteem by creating anxiety about their weight and appearance. No rose.

25. Corrie—she got a rose but did it under the radar. She’s cute but didn’t get any screen time. She might be the sleeper.

In sum, it was an interesting start to the season. There were 4 “amazings,” 2 “journeys” and 5 “absolutelys”—which is the new “amazing” which, of course, was last season’s new “journey.” There were 2 criers—not counting Jake. There were strained exchanges, awkward smiles, pathetic attempts for attention, and sufficient teasers to keep us interested. I, for one, am absolutely looking forward to an amazing journey this season. Fasten your seatbelts and stow away your baggage. I just hope there’s a barf bag on this plane.



  1. dude -- the ladies of UMB are SO glad you're back!

  2. I've actually never watched The Bachelor, but I think I might have to start just so I can read your blog and say "Yeah! What he said!" Hilarious!

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. Thought I'd stop by and say hi.

    Great job! Great fill-in for Lincee. It's good to hear a guy's perspective.

    Are your posts only Bach re-caps?

    Rena @ insertgracehere.com

  5. Nice pinch hit for Lincee! Now I can procrastinate twice as long on Tuesdays reading both blogs.
    -Some Girl from Austin

  6. Please become the next Bachelor so we can get your "inside scoop!"