Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Bachelor Episode 3: Crazy Ain't Just for Patsy Cline

My oh My. We have a lot of ground to cover this episode. However, I’d like to begin with two housekeeping items. As of last week the “Absolutely” count was 2. The “Journey” count was 1. The “Amazing” count was 15. After this episode the “Journey” count rose only slightly to 4 and the “Absolutely” count held steady at 2. However, the “Amazing” count exploded to a surprising 33—that’s 18 “amazings” in one episode for those of you without math degrees. The show should provide the contestants with a thesaurus.

Also, the story all over the entertainment sites and shows this week was the over-hyped departure of Rozlyn due to her alleged “affair” with a producer. Did anyone get a look at this guy? He’s not exactly George Clooney. It just goes to show that nothing trumps fat, dumpy, and middle-aged quite like the word “Producer” after your name. Nice job, pal. They should double his unemployment check for hooking up with a woman that far out of his league. Now that we’re clear on that, let’s get to the breakdown.

We begin with the standard promo shots of Jake risk taking by bungee jumping, riding his motorcycle, and attending a John Lovitz comedy show. Yes, the last one is a risk. After a few more teasers we are greeted by our never present host, Chris Harrison. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the guy is Money. Dressed in a gray v-neck and a black sport coat—a subtle harbinger of the controversy and pain to follow—Harrison announces two one-on-one dates and one group date. Everyone’s Juicy warm up suits perk up in anticipation. “Will it be me?” their looks scream as Gia lunges forward and rips the envelope from Harrison’s hand in her oversized fat girl sweater which falls ever so carefully off her shoulder a la Jennifer Beals in Flashdance. I was waiting for her to sit down in a chair and get hit with a bucket of water from above.

Despite Michelle REALLY wanting the date (oh, I’ll get to her later), we learn that Vienna is the lucky girl. Michelle gets in an “I’m really attractive and I consider Vienna my opposite” dig and the crazy fuse is ignited. Vienna does her best not to rub it in everyone’s face and the women do their best to act happy for her. Ali (oh, I’ll get to her later too) feels “betrayed” by Vienna’s date because she and Jake’s date was “so special.” The word “delusional” came to mind.

Jake shows up in his “I’m dangerous” leather coat and the same t-shirt he wore on last week’s date with Ali. He puts on his giant helmet and Vienna puts on Ali’s giant helmet and away they ride on that stupid motorcycle for a dream date. We get a voice over of Jake as we see he and Vienna’s stunt doubles ride down the PCH on Jake’s scooter. Jake tells us that Vienna is “the life of the party” and that he’s never dated anyone like her. He is again “out of his comfort zone.” Something tells me that Jake’s comfort zone when it comes to women consists of hiding beneath his covers in his footed pajamas in his starter home in Denton well past his bedtime with a flashlight and a Playboy. . .make that a Cosmo.

Nonetheless, the editing staff does its best to make him look edgy and daring by giving us a close up of his bad guy from Grease motorcycle boots (which match his belt, by the way) and leather gloves. Jake tells us that he loves adventure dates and he’s ready to see if Vienna can keep up. They get aboard a helicopter and we quickly sense that Jake is beyond nervous. Why? Is it the proximity of a real woman? The anticipation of closeness? Vienna’s eye makeup? Bad gas? No, ladies and gentlemen. Apparently, Jake is afraid of heights and the date he’s “planned” involves bungee jumping off a bridge. Are you kidding me? Note to Jake: it’s not a good idea to include an activity that scares you beyond imagination on a date where you want to impress a woman. I don’t know what was on his Outlook To Do list when he woke up and checked his email but it was not “Kick Ass and Take Names.”

On the way to the big jump the helicopter does a flyover of the mansion and we see Michelle and her tramp stamp laying out at the pool simmering in crazy (oh, I’ll get to her in a bit). Kathryn tells us that Vienna “has ruffled some feathers” at the house. Translation: We hate her and this episode is all about how much we hate her. Michelle keeps cooking up the crazy while the other women plot against Vienna.

In the meantime. . .

Vienna and her version of the off the shoulder Flashdance sweater do their best to convince us that it’s really cute that Jake has made himself vulnerable, blah, blah, blah. We cut to a shot of him whining like a schoolgirl about bungee jumping while Vienna does her best to comfort him. I had a hard time figuring out who was more feminine. I was waiting for him to ask for his mommy. So much for “my office is at 37,000 feet” and “I’m here to take chances.” Jake proved himself to be a word that starts with a “P,” and it’s not “Pilot.” Adventure date, my ass.

After he’s done sobbing on yet another railing, Jake appears in his Garanimals V-neck sweater and compliments Vienna by saying that she rose to the occasion by being there for him in his moment of weakness. Translation: she’s tougher than I am. They discuss his shaking and carrying on over an appropriate glass of white wine—which was probably apple juice—and we wonder just how overprotective and controlling Jake’s mother was when he grew up. Jake fakes like he had fun and pretends to listen to Vienna while he does that annoying raising of the eyebrows and scrunchy forehead thing.

Ding dong. The doorbell rings and the ladies run to see what the magic envelope holds. Carrie, Elizabeth, Ali, Tenley, Ashleigh, Jessie, Kathryn, and Michelle land the group date and Michelle is none too happy. She came to the mansion for a one-on-one. Ella, Gia, Valishia, and Vienna will sit this one out at home. Michelle’s fuse grows shorter and shorter and we all begin to realize that we’re in for something special. We will soon learn that you can’t spell Michelle without hell . . . as in Crazy as. No, this show doesn’t allow fat girls but it has an open door policy on whackos.

Jake and Vienna close their date—how else?—by putting on their bathing suits and going for a let’s talk about our feelings swim. Vienna shows up sporting a green bikini with a frilly hide the junk in my trunk bottom and Jake emerges in his Garanimals swim trunks. He quickly departs the pool area and dons a blue towel that undoubtedly had the same animal on the tag as his swimsuit and, looking like Sparta-wus, he struts to retrieve the rose. Jake articulates his feelings like a drunk person with a speech impediment and presents Vienna with the coveted rose. Vienna clearly earned it. Good for her. Vienna does her best to speak in extreme absolutes by telling us she’s had the “best day ever in her life” and that she is on “Cloud Jake.” She should have had to forfeit the rose for that last comment.

We cut back to the mansion where the close living quarters and all of the binging and purging over the last two weeks have clearly taken their toll. Ashleigh leads off the attack on Vienna by saying she’d rather watch paint dry than hear Vienna talk. To be fair, enjoying the sight of drying paint probably qualifies her to be with Jake.

Michelle takes center stage and the bus leaves the mansion for an on time arrival at the intersection of Crazy Street and Desperation Drive. In a manic rant Michelle tells us that kissing Jake will involve “crazy tongue in the mouth” and “ripping of shirts.” Michelle using the word “crazy” is tantamount to Bigfoot using the word “elusive.” Hell, when he gets home Jake should take some plaster casts of the footprints around his starter home in Denton and see if they match up to Michelle’s shoe size. Michelle is like the Michael Jordan of instability. You can’t stop her; you just hope you can contain her. She’s so nuts squirrels try to bury her. Loopy, I tell you.

Jake shows up for the group date in a plaid button up looking like a big Scotch tape dispenser. Michelle leads the pack of vixens and greets Jake with a big, crazy hug and off they go to the John Lovitz Comedy Club where they learn that they will be doing a comedy routine for a full house. John Lovitz? I’d rather listen to Chicago in the park.

Back at the mansion we learn that Ella has earned the one-on-one date and she shows us her spirit fingers to prove it. Good for her. Vienna reiterated how “amazing” her date was and Gia, whose mouth looks like a sex toy, was irritated. Seriously. Does anyone think that Gia is actually 26 years old? When I look at her face I find myself wondering is she’s going to bust through the doors of an art museum with her henchmen and attempt to kidnap Vicki Vale before being thwarted by Batman. She looks like the freaking Joker. If she’s 26, then I’m Hemmingway.

Ashleigh is more nervous than Jake on a bridge at the prospect of performing in front of a crowd. Jake actually attempts to help her by writing a joke on a piece of paper. I can only imagine it said, “me on my motorcycle.” The nursing home busses offload the “crowd” and each girl takes a turn at comedy. Highlights included Ali looking very Britney Spears-ish telling grade school jokes, Elizabeth horrifying Jake’s virgin ears by working a little blue, Michelle demonstrating her crazy, and Corrie piling on the already battered Vienna. Tenley actually lied on the ground and pulled her legs over her head. If this thing doesn’t work out for her, I’m certain pornography giant Vivid Entertainment will offer her the lead in Schindler’s Fist or Catcher in the Rear. Jake, of course, was unimpressed with Tenley’s talents. Is he a eunuch?

All in all the “comedy” show was painful to watch. All of the girls seemed really uncomfortable on stage. Perhaps if there was a pole and a disco ball in the middle of the stage and some blaring AC/DC music, the show would have been better.

Back at the mansion Vienna and Gia square off as do Ali and Michelle. Elizabeth gets in a priceless jab when she hypothesizes that Michelle needs a therapist rather than a husband. Jake arrives at the cocktail party and wants to take things to a serious note. Congratulations, Jake. You just succeeded in beating Chris Harrison as the top buzz killer on the show. Unafraid, Tenley takes Jake aside to bear her soul. She tells us that Jake knows nothing about her. Well, to be fair, he knows she can lie on her back and pull her legs over her head. Is there really anything else he “needs” to know? The rest is just window dressing, isn’t it? Anyhoooo, she finally gets to tell Jake that annoying “I was a virgin who got married and he cheated on me” story and Jake does that raised eyebrows scrunching of the forehead thing again.

Jake changes his Scotch tape shirt to a V-neck sweater that Harrison loaned him and Ashleigh makes the cardinal sin of Bachelor cocktail parties. Well, there are more than one cardinal sins at cocktail parties, but you get the idea. She pulls Jake aside to tell him that Vienna is despised by all of the women in the house and that she’s just not right for him. Watch the tape, ladies. This strategy never works. All she had to do is ask Jake how badmouthing someone worked out for him on the Bachelorette. He ended up crying on a balcony at the Austin Hyatt and flying alone back to his starter home in Denton. Seriously, it’s like trying to run up the middle on the Ravens or throw to the sideline against Deion Sanders. Or, to put it in female terms: it’s like wearing black underwear with white capris. Bad idea, Asleigh. It’s not your decision.

Vienna continues to get plowed by all of the women in the house and Gia hairlips and botoxes her to death; ultimately concluding that Vienna is somehow “dangerous.” Ok. Vienna cries and retires to her chamber where she pens a missive to Jake reminiscent of Paul to the Corinthians while he was being persecuted. Well, not really, but it was pretty dramatic. Ali gets Jake alone and almost drops the “L” word to an uninterested and bored Jake. She too plays the Vienna is Wrong Card, albeit not as harshly as Ashleigh. Ali leaves Jake and proceeds to ruin her girl next door persona by budding into all of the drama in the house. She reminded me of Lenny in Of Mice and Men when he tries to pet the bunny and ends up squeezing it to death. Don’t squeeze the bunny, Ali. Don’t squeeze the bunny.

We then get a foreboding shot of Michelle lurking on the balcony above impatiently waiting for her opportunity to show Jake just how unstable she really is. Jessie comments that being around Michelle is “like walking on egg shells.” Yea, really, really crazy egg shells. Ali confronts her and Michelle saunters off from the stone throwing hoard in her swashbuckler boots in search of Jake. You could almost hear the producers yell, “get it over with, Jake” as she approached. I’ll shorten this by simply saying that she went even crazier and once he was convinced she wasn’t carrying a sword or a rapier with her swashbuckler outfit, Jake took out the trash. Good luck, Michelle . . . and good riddance. Someone remind Ali to look over her shoulder every time she steps out of her apartment for the rest of her life. You can’t fix crazy.

An upset Jake tells us that he “just wants to go home.” To his mommy and a warm cup of milk, perhaps? Despite Tenley’s heart wrenching confession, Jake chooses not to give anyone a rose and heads back to his sissy lair for some quiet reflection and a stiff glass of Kool-Aid before putting on his footed pj’s and going to bed with his flashlight.

Jake shows up for his date with single mom Ella in a new lumberjack shirt with his leather jacket draped over his shoulder in a move more staged than a five act play. As the helicopter shows up Vienna shows us her long face. Oh, and she seemed sad too. She attempts to apologize to the other women for—well, I’m not really sure what for and they all seem to buy it until Ali squashes the moment along with Vienna’s confidence. Ashleigh piles on and more crying ensues. I’ll give Vienna credit for trying. No good deed goes unpunished. When she gets a big fat engagement ring in a few weeks she can use it to deflect the insults and negativity hurled her way by the Jealous Janes in the house. That’s right. She’s going to win.

Ella and Jake land at Sea World and in a move more telegraphed than Tony Romo’s last interception, her 7 year old son shows up to “surprise” her. Jake acts like he set the entire thing up by himself and attempts to bond with the kid. He actually appeared more awkward than he does with the women and quickly dropped a “ready to find your mom?” after the producers had enough footage to make it work. By the way, doesn’t Jake owe the kid an apology for taking his favorite toy? Remember that Ella highjacked his favorite plane to give to Jake in order to secure a place in the top 15. Instead, Jake gives him a paper plane and a rub on the head. Thanks, “Dad.” I’ll admit that he looked sincere but let’s face it, this guy looks down on single parents and he’s not looking for someone who is divorced and he’s certainly not looking for someone who is divorced with a kid. Congrats on playing ball for the show, Jake. Ella is clearly a nice person and I hope Jake cuts her loose soon so she can go be with her son. Besides, had the date lasted any longer she would have asked the “how much do cargo pilots earn” question. Talk about awkward. The date ends and we assume they got the kid back to the prop department at Universal Studios. I hope the real Ethan enjoyed watching from home in Tennessee.

Jake and Ella go to dinner—apparently at some place really close to a duck farm because that’s all I could hear in the background. Jake tells her that the “only thing he has to offer is honesty.” I guess that answers the “how much do cargo pilots earn” question. She gets a rose and we gear up for the final cocktail party before the dreaded rose ceremony.

Again, Jake takes buzz killing to a new level when he shows up to the party on a mission. Elizabeth is first. He reiterates how “confusing” she is for him and christens her the “Queen of Mixed Signals.” What? She’s been trying to get you to feel her up for two weeks now. It’s as obvious as the zit on Ella’s face. In a contrived for TV moment he calls her a tease and Elizabeth melts down just enough to seal her fate. That’s too bad. I actually liked her. Maybe she and Michelle can share a therapist. Elizabeth is done for sure when Vienna—and her I’m not leaving here tonight rose—show up to steal Jake away. Elizabeth locks herself in the bathroom. Ali buds in to tell Vienna that it was not fair to talk to Jake because she had a rose. Whatever, Ali. This is a competition, not an exhibition. Being assertive is a good thing. In an attempt to save face, Elizabeth composes herself, lets us know that she’s still deciding if she will choose Jake and gives a win one for the Gipper plea to Jake.

Harrison shows up in a muted purple shirt and purple tie complimented by a tailored black suit with his fork and champagne glass and announces the beginning of the carnage. Jake promises to let his heart lead—whatever that means—and stares forlornly at the head shots of the women in his dome of seclusion, or whatever you call that room he goes to in order to stare forlornly at the head shots of the women.

Gia, Corrie, Tenley, Ali, Jessie, Kathryn, Ashleigh, Vienna, and Ella are all safe and Valisha (who said more in her departing speech than she has in the past 4 shows) and Elizabeth are eliminated proving my aforementioned maxim: Desperate and Alone equals Limo Ride Home. In all, Jake eliminated a mute, a certifiably crazy woman, and the Queen of Mixed Signals. I can’t wait until next week. Until then, if you need me I’ll be bungee jumping.

1 comment:

  1. LOL! Love it! Your recap was much funnier than the actual show!