Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Bachlor Episode 2: Jake's a Tool

Let’s get to it. Episode two of what I thought was The Bachelor aired on Monday. I say “thought” because it’s quickly turning into Flavor of Love—well, minus the purple hair extensions. We begin with the usual montage of our bachelor Jake putting his stupid motorcycle and rocking bod through their paces. Yes, he’s footloose and fiancé free and---oh, you know the rest. Chris Harrison tees up the show like Tiger Wood’s rear Escalade window and off we go into Jake’s search for the love of his life . . .or something like that.

Chris Harrison appears at the mansion where all the girls have conveniently gathered for morning coffee. He’s sporting jeans and an untucked and semi-unbuttoned purple button down with stripes. Purple is the new black and Harrison clearly got the memo. He’s casual, but hold the phone. The starch in the collar tells us he means business. He reiterates the rules of the game as if the women on the show hadn’t been studying the tapes of previous seasons like Peyton Manning before a Patriots’ game. The giggles and squeals tell us that it’s first group date time and the envelope is revealed as the camera cuts to Michelle twitching like a World War II Veteran at a fireworks display asking—no, begging--for her name to be on the paper. Fat chance. The producers smelled crazy the second she arrived at the compound and are clearly going to make her sweat. I’m sure they took the precaution of securing all of the sharp objects prior to this episode.

Gia, Roslyn, Felicia (or is it Alicia?), Corrie, Christina, and Ashley H. get the lucky date and Michelle all but comes unglued. It was more painful to watch than Jake on his scooter-cycle with his giant helmet. By the way, what is up with that giant helmet? Seriously. Paint that thing white and he might as well be doing a Jack in the Box commercial. You could serve punch out of that thing. At any rate, Jake shows up looking boring in his solid French blue untucked oxford shirt and jeans. The shirt was unbuttoned just past his testicles. He looked like Tom Jones except without the chest hair, talent, and sex appeal. The women looked past it and they all hop into the extended SUV stretch limo for a “surprise” date. The awkwardness in the limo was palpable. The girls laughed nervously at whatever Jake muttered. He looked about as comfortable as a bastard on Father’s Day.

We cut next to the hotel where the “surprise” is revealed by “Hal” from InStyle Magazine. Apparently, this magazine is to women what pro football is to men. They all go nuts when Hal—who is as gay as pink ink—explains that they will be part of a photo shoot. Well, all except Christina—more about that later.

Roslyn, who is especially determined to win the rose, announces her comfort in front of the camera and the only girl who can even come close to competing with her, Gia, does the same. Roslyn does get in a brutal dig when she claims that she’s been mostly in “bridal magazines while I think Gia does like lingerie stuff.” Classic. Translation: I think Gia’s a dirty tramp. Regardless of the in fighting, Roslyn goes first and shows up the rest of the women as they all sit in awe of her ability to stand and smile. She ends by showing us what she had for breakfast and confidently retires to bask in her hotness. Next, Gia, who looks like the offspring of J. Lo. and Calista Flockhart, hairlips her way through the shoot. During this time Jake is being sufficiently boring and uncharming. This guy kills me. They might as well have put a cardboard cut out next to the girls. Blue steel? Le Tigre? Ferrari? It’s all the same look. Mix it up a little, Jake. The photographer, who looked like a homosexual version of D-Day from Animal House, sensed Jake’s one dimensional-ness and tells him to “think of something kind of dirty.” I’d be willing to bet that Jake thought about the load of laundry he left in his hamper back in Denton or maybe about the improper fractions he was forced to work on in fifth grade despite his protests. Whatever.

In the meantime, Christina and her furry eyebrows were gripping harder than a cat over a bucket of water about the photo shoot. She was intimidated by Roz and Gia and she was worried that she wouldn’t look good and she’d never done this before . . . Thus, the invention of the mute button. Jake apparently wanted her to feel better so he tells her that the dress makes her eyes look nice and a few other contrived and insincere compliments the producers whispered in his ear off camera. He then gives her a fake hug. She buys it and powers through the photo shoot. That hug was one of those only on the neck hugs that you give someone when you’re forced to give a hug. Seriously, Jake, the Venus De Milo could manage a better hug. No wonder you’ve been first dated so many times. I will say that Christina struck me as vulnerable, stressed, and nice. Her hives complimented her furry eyebrows nicely and she actually looked very pretty. I’d rather look at Roz and Gia, but I was impressed with her ability to soldier on. Nice job.

At the end of the arduous photo shoot D-Gay calls it a success and Jake is forced to take a sip of alcohol as he gives a toast to the ladies. He actually went with “the night is still young.” Maybe, but that toast isn’t. What a dial tone. He makes me miss Kiptyn.

In a James Hilton reference that I’m certain was lost on everyone except that smart crew guy on the location team, they end up at the hotel Shangri La for a bit of a pool party. Jake quickly dons his swimsuit and we see him shirtless yet again. The women jockey around the pool for position with the date rose hovering around like a fart in an elevator and Gia opens up her Botox laden lips to Jake . . . well, at least until she almost gets to answer Jake’s undoubtedly fake “tell me where your heart is” question before being punted by Asleigh.

Roslyn makes her move and we quickly learn that Roz has been to the doctor for a boob job. She has all of her gifts on display when she asks Jake up to the roof for some alone time to make her move. The four of them leave the pool and go to a quiet corner. We again get multiple angle shots of Roslyn’s sizeable bust. I mean those things were big. She could shade a 4 year old at high noon. They were huge. It looked like she was stealing ham. Huge, I tell you. She could make a camel blush. Giant. Her cups could hold more water than Jake’s motorcycle helmet. I mean large. After some batting of the eyes and another not so subtle display of her cans, Roslyn moves in for the kiss. It’s too bad Jake looked like he was kissing the bearded lady at the circus. What a waste. I’m beginning to think that Jake would be more comfortable with Hal from InStyle than making out with a hot model in a bikini. If I had a balcony, I would have cried off of it. Letting Jake kiss Roslyn is like letting an 18 year old drink 100 year old single malt scotch. Oh, the humanity. Jake actually tells us that she puts him “out of his comfort zone.” What? A hot model in a bikini pulls him away from 14 other hot women in bikinis drinking alcohol so she can make out with him and show him her fake knockers and he’s out of his comfort zone? Dude, wing it for God’s sake. (Insert Christian Bale meltdown right here. You’re a freaking amateur!). Regardless, Jake gives Roslyn the date rose and she almost spikes it like a football. She and her giant friends are thrilled. The five grand she spent was worth its weight in CC’s. Good for you Roslyn. Good for you.

We then pan to a shot of the girls at the mansion getting a mysterious mail message and a diamond necklace. They drool over it like Pavlov’s dog and Michelle quickly claims it for her own. I alluded to this in my last blog and I’ll reiterate it now: Desperation equals Elimination. They should crochet that on a pillow and leave it on Michelle’s bed at the house. She’s out of her mind.

In order to relieve the stress of being surrounded by hotness, Christina drinks a bunch at the pool and an unimpressed Jake comments on her penchant for hard stuff. I suppose he’s right. The only thing worse than forward, turned on models in bikinis is a less attractive but still cute drunk woman in a size two bikini so anxious to impress you that she’ll do anything to get your attention. It’s tough being a bachelor. Dude. If Wes Hayden had been selected, every one of those girls—except Michelle—would be pregnant. Watching Jake in action is like watching an ape play with a computer.

Next, we find out that Ali is the recipient of the necklace and the coveted one-on-one date. She quickly jumps into the necklace and Channy’s yellow dress from last week in anticipation of a romantic limo ride and a quiet evening with Jake. Tough sh*t, Ali. Jake shows up in a t-shirt and jeans on his scooter-cycle with a matching giant helmet for Ali. Boy, oh boy. Nothing says romance like hopping on the back of an underpowered motorcycle in an expensive dress after smashing a helmet over well-coiffed hair for a dirty ride down the 105. What the hell happened to the limo? Ali is a great sport about the entire thing despite being overdressed. I liked her although she did cry a bit. I’ll chalk that up to stress. She seemed nice.

After she got the gnats out of her teeth and pulled her dress out of her rear end Jake puts her into a Cessna (that’s original) and proceeds to take an hour for a “quick-preflight check.” That’s odd, I had no idea Jake was a pilot. After the pre-flight check and an unexplainable over the shoulder coat throw Jake finally gets the damn plane off the ground and Ali squeals like Ned Beatty in Deliverance. Honey, it’s just a plane ride. The Wright brothers were less excited when they took off.

Then, in a moment to end all moments, we are blessed with a sunset shot of Jake’s plane riding over the horizon as Jeffrey Osborne’s “On the Wings of Love” plays in the background. There’s no joke here. That one speaks for itself. As if that wasn’t enough, Ali says that the plane taking off is symbolic of she and Jake’s relationship taking off. I think Jeffery Osborne wrote that part too.

When Jake lands, we continue with the literary allusions when we see that he and Ali will be spiriting around town in a Great Gatsby 1920’s convertible. Boy, I have to hand it to Jake. Nothing says consideration better than taking a primped and styled woman on the back of your motorcycle, in the cockpit of a Cessna with headphones on, and then on a fast convertible ride. I believe the car was a restored version of the Limited Edition 1924 Ford Cheesebag. They drive around for awhile with Jake looking as polished as the car. Then, for some reason they are “treated” to a private concert by Chicago. Yes, Chicago—the white man’s Earth, Wind, and Fire. Granted, they have sold 120 million records and have been around for like 43 years, but come on. What, was Toto booked? They dance, have dinner, dispense a rose, smile, kiss, and go home. Thank God.

The next group date is won by Elizabeth, Corrie, Ashley E., and Vienna (insert sausage joke here). Uh oh, no Michelle. How could she have been overlooked? Trust me, she wasn’t. After a classic “I’m not ordinary,” “I have a lot of love to give,” tirade the tension continues to build. She’s really out of her mind. We can only pray that her next boyfriend is a mental health professional. Her response to Jake asking her, “how do you like your eggs?” would be “fertilized.” She clearly needs help. I just hope she’s eliminated soon so she can start filming Swimfan II.

Jake treats the girls to a trip to Six Flags and they head to the Goliath roller coaster. I was praying for a diminutive Jew to step out and hit Jake in the head with a rock. No such luck. Elizabeth pulls Jake aside and says some scripted words to him and makes him promise not to kiss her unless she’s The One. Props for that move. She too is aware that purple is the new black. She looks great and comes across as way too cool and together for Jake. Frankly, she deserves better. I know, her boobs are way too fake, yadda, yadda, yadda. She’s too smart to fall for Jake. When she’s eliminated on a later show, she’ll be graceful but thankful.

Vienna pulls Jake aside too and in an emotionally soul bearing moment confesses to having had her heart broken by a young Lothario and eloping to get him back. Alas, her ill-fated marriage lasted but 4 months. Jake seems unimpressed and unsympathetic. She might as well have told the carny working the roller coaster. At least he could have shared a prison rape story with her in an attempt to empathize. Ashley moves in to show Jake her hot pink nail polish and in a move reminiscent of Jillian’s rejection of Reid at the altar Jake then proceeds to hand out the date rose to Elizabeth instead of the Hester Prynned Vienna. Come on, Jake. Fair is fair. Give the girl some credit for going out on a limb and then set Elizabeth up at the rose ceremony. Jake? Oblivious.

Next, in the most brilliant move since Wes distracted Jillian with “look, that bird has no foot,” Elizabeth gets Jake alone and toys with him like a grizzly bear with a bunny. She’s clearly Jake’s superior. She owns him and I was proud of her. She earns the fireworks display that Jake “arranged” and we cut to a shot of the other women pouting in the limo as they realize that Elizabeth has outplayed, outwitted, and outlasted all of them.

In another underly romantic move, Jake decides to give Ella a “birthday gift.” Jake actually shows up with a cupcake with a candle in it. Are you kidding me? Jake reminds Ella of the pain of the separation she suffers from being away from her son on her birthday and we empathize with her like we did when Jason booted the other Southern chick to the curb last season. At least she got to see her kid.

Jake continues to impress when Tenley (bless her wounded, super hot, little heart) pulls him aside to nervously break the news about her divorce and impress him with the fact that she was a virgin before getting married. Tenley is confident. She doesn’t know the meaning of the word “fear.” Then again, she probably doesn’t know the meaning of a lot words, but I digress. An ever perceptive Jake actually drops the you seem like you have a “good and successful dating history.” Kreskin he is not. You’d think the producers might have given him a heads up with that one. “Dewey Beats Truman” was more accurate than that line. What. A. Tool. Tenley’s bid to be honest fails. Next!

Crazy Michelle gets some alone time to bitch and complain about . . . well, everything. I’m certain she’s seen every show prior to this but she still doesn’t seem to get it. I’ll sidestep her tantrum and her “I’m packing and going home” rant. It’s really not worth mentioning. The best part of her rant to Jake was when she was interrupted mid-crazy stream by one of the other girls and actually gave Jake permission to leave before trouncing off to her room. Maxim number two, Michelle: Desperate and Alone equals Limo Ride Home. She’s not going anywhere until the producers say so, but she just might leave on her own. Nitroglycerin is more stable.

Moving on…

In what I believe to be the most overrated moment in Bachelor history (see, I’m starting to talk like Harrison), Roslyn is confronted by Harrison about an “inappropriate relationship” she developed with one of the production crew. Yes, you read that correctly. She and some dude from the production crew saw sparks and got caught. Harrison calls her out, lets her know that the guy has been canned from the show, and then asks her to leave. The implication is that they slept together. No way. Trust me on this one. The show is toeing a very fine line between a defamation lawsuit and maximizing the ratings when it goes with the “inappropriate relationship” talk. Roslyn got bored waiting around for Jake, struck up a conversation with a crew guy, they hit it off, and he got canned. I’m sure that Harrison and the rest of the crew gave him a high five and a slap on the rear end on his way out the door. What does it say about Jake when the hottest girl in the mix is lured away by a production guy in black jean shorts and a Che Gueverra t-shirt holding a microphone on a stick? I’ll tell you what it says: Everything. Dude, you just got c-blocked by a guy in the production crew. I love it. Jake does not.

Roslyn is super hot and super cool. Yes, she’s a bit vain and a tad shallow, but she seemed real and she seemed to respect herself. She’s clearly not convinced that she and Jake could get married right away and live happily ever after sipping non-alcoholic daiquiris in his backyard gazebo in Denton. Oh, and since when is being attracted to another person cheating? Is the fact that Jake is busy sucking face with 14 other women, three of which he will sleep with (well, probably not Jake) in the fantasy suite before maybe possibly proposing a loose sort of engagement thing until the cameras go off and the real work starts lost on everyone but me? Good for you Roslyn, I’m just sorry I don’t get to look at you for the next 10 weeks. Harrison should ditch Jake and follow her and that production guy around for a few weeks. That would undoubtedly be more interesting. Getting booted from the house will be the best thing that ever happened to her. Don’t count her out of the After the Rose episode.

Jake almost cried when he found out. If there had been a balcony handy I’m certain he would have. Where are the flying metaphors now, big shot? After a 45 minute montage of Roslyn packing—which was far more entertaining than anything Jake said all night—we cut to the women with tears on their eyes, flabbergasted at Roslyn’s betrayal. What?

Hey, the hottest girl and your biggest competition just took herself out of the race. Did Maverick cry when Cougar lost it and turned in his wings giving Maverick a shot at Top Gun? Hell no. Jake then feels compelled to make a speech concerning the subject. Jake’s speech was to television what the Gettysburg Address was to television. He actually used the word “affair” to describe her conduct, proving that he’s just a delusional as the remaining women. Tenley hopes he doesn’t “put up a wall” now that he’s been “hurt.” No, Tenley, he won’t put up a wall. He IS a wall. Ali drops an “F her” with respect to Roslyn and we move to the rose ceremony where the biggest highlight was watching Michelle squirm like a fat kid on the playground waiting to be picked for kickball. Ashley lost with class and I was proud of her send off. I hope some deserving guy benefits from the flight attendant costume one day. Christina was booted and gets crushed by the giddy laughter of the remaining 10 women. You’re a sweet girl. Attractive too. Trim your eyebrows and take some self-actualization courses. You’ll be fine.

The remaining girls are Vienna, Gia, Tenley (my predition for the final three. It’s obvious), Ella, Alicia (or is it Felicia?), Corrie, Jessie, Ashley H., Michelle, and Cathryn. Tune in next week. I’m going motorcycle shopping.

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