Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Bachelor Juan Pablo Episode 5: Poon Tang Finger Bang in Da Nang



Hello, Readers.  Welcome to this week’s rundown of the big show.   Overall, it’s been busy at work lately.  For those of you who think that lawyers spend most of our time drinking single malt scotch at the country club telling war stories while our secretaries fight to keep the money printing machine full of paper, you’re sorely mistaken.  It’s hard work and, like Claire’s struggle with her hormones, it’s a love/hate relationship.  Oh, and for the record, I don’t drink scotch and I’m not a member of a country club. Thanks for listening.   Let’s get to the big recap.

11  Amazing's last night and 1 Journey.  For the first time in all of the years I've done this I've lost track of the total count.  I know, I'm horrible.  

Juan Pablo flies south from wherever he was last week to Vietnam, which is, of course, (say it with me) the perfect place to fall in love.  Well, it is if you ignore the fact that hundreds of thousands of people were executed at the hands of a ruthless Marxist/Leninist dictator in addition to the 60,000 American lives we lost there.  But hey, that’s neither here nor there.  It’s 2014 now and Juan Pablo is there to find his future bride—or at least bang a loose hairdresser in the ocean. 

Juan Pablo dons his coral linen shirt and turquoise blue shorts:  a fitting tribute to the subtlety of the Miami dress code.  He’s “escited” to be in Vietnam.  He enjoys a Joseph Conrad Heart of Darkness-esque boat ride down a muddy Vietnamese River.  

For you non-readers, I suppose I could have used Apocalypse Now, but you get the picture.  He’s not there to kill Col. Kurtz but, as fate would have it, he’ll encounter a few demons of his own this week.  I love it when reality TV accidentally means something, don’t you? 

The chicks arrive—also apparently oblivious of the rich, tragic history of the place—and Yay it up in Sinatra hats, Ubiquitous 30-foot Scarves, and Lululemon gear at Da Nang Airport before heading to the Intercontinental Da Nang Resort. 

Incidentally, the final U.S. artillery shot of the Vietnam War was fired from that airfield on August 3, 1972, right before we pulled our final troops out of there, two months after the Watergate break-in, and just over two years before Nixon’s resignation.  F that, though.  We’re here to find love.  

No Harrison.  

Two words:  Bull. Shit.  The Date Card gets dropped and this week’s star, Claire, shows us she can read. “Renee, Are we the right fit?”  Ironically, Claire would prove to be the “right fit” for Juan Pablo this week, but we’ll get to that in a bit.

We all know that I’ve picked Nikki to win—I’ll explain that in detail eventually.  However, I have to say that Juan Pablo is an idiot if he doesn’t pick Renee.  She’s legitimately excited, cool, perhaps the most normal person in the history of this show, a mom, and she didn’t over primp or overdress for the big date.  In other words, she’s herself.  No more.  No less.  I find that as refreshing as a 4 a.m. groping in a warm ocean.  Unlike the rest of the girls she’s not fighting to hide major personality flaws, daddy issues, or insecurity.  To me anyway, that’s admirable and very attractive.  Andi, on the other hand, begins to freak out again at her lack of control.

Relegated to the low budget “walk around town” date, Renee makes the most of the sweltering, oppressive humidity as she pretends not to notice Juan Pablo sweating through his bright yellow v-neck and army green shorts like Roberto at a final Rose Ceremony.  Dude is from Miami and he was bothered by the heat there.  Regardless, they press on.

They stroll through a series of unregulated food stands rife with exotic meats delicately accented by the presence of adorable stray, unvaccinated animals before heading to the Khanh Hung store so Renee can get “fitted” for a traditional silk dress that was designed in L.A. and made months before the date occurred.  Ahh, the magic of television. 

Juan Pablo proves that shouting in poor English is just as ineffective as speaking normally in poor English.  They shop for their respective offspring and continue to sweat like Martin Sheen deep in the heart of darkness.  

Boat ride.  Boring.   

They dine and Renee—who looked great in that silk dress—puts up with his Sport Coat and opinions before launching a wish lantern in the dirty river.   Those, of course, are illegal in the U.S. because they probably offend the turtles or something, but in Vietnam they don’t care.  I think we were all sick of Renee going on and on about that stupid mediocre kees she wanted from Juan Pablo.  I wished he’d kees her just to shut her up.  In spite of the lack of keesing, Renee gladly assepts these rose. 

Ding Dong.  Date Card. Group Date.

By the way, the “ding dong” above is supposed to signify the sound of the doorbell and not the name of the town where they were headed.   “Can you go with the flow?” Charlene, Chelsie, Kat, Cassandra, Claire, Kelly, Alli, Danielle, Andi get the group date and Andi complains about it while tellingly yet subconsciously using the word “control” about 100 times. 

“What am I doing here?” she laments.  Uh, getting a free trip around the world, not working, and sitting on your ass drinking unlimited free booze waiting for a Latin guy to call your number.  Stop bitching, please. It’s a shame, I thought.  She seems pretty cool and she’s certainly attractive.  She needs to get a hold of that side of her personality.  No one likes a Fun Hater, Andi.       

Juan Pablo shows up in yellow shorts and blue v-neck looking like a Best Buy delivery person.  He tells the girls that they are going to do “traditional Vietnamese things.”  Like water torture and bamboo under the fingernails, I wondered.

They partner up in tea cup boats.  Claire eh-seemed preeety escited to ride with Juan Pablo who, despite his moratorium on kissing level-headed moms, had no problem shoving his tongue down her throat.  The other girls didn’t eh-seem preeety escited. 

Andi complains some more before they head to a rice patty and put on traditional pointy hats and pick their own produce.  Boring.  I enjoyed the Rodan-esque thinking monkey statue but that was about it.  Jealousy started to chip away at the women when Claire hogged some more of JP’s time. 

Memo to the women:  The worst thing a woman can do in that situation is get jealous.  Bite your tongue and just let it unfold.  For a textbook example, rewind to Emily on Brad’s season.  

Oh, and by the way, don’t get jealous at the time-tested, predictable format of the show you’ve been watching for 16 seasons and finally got to go on after you filled out your 16th application to get on it.    It's a bit disingenuous.  Why do they all seem so shocked he's going to spend time with someone besides themselves?  Isn't that obvious?      

Danielle still stays mute and he takes Claire back to his eh-suite and makes her feel eh-special back in his hot tub.  Very eh-special.  

Let me take a step back and address the “Claire situation” right now. 

First, he banged her in the ocean.  No question.  Trust me on this one, ladies.  Claire made the decision to sleep with him after throwing her vagina around like a child’s sock monkey in the hot tub.  There’s no way in hell she would have reacted the way she did after he told her he regretted their little ocean swim if the exact same thing happened in the hot tub that happened in the ocean.  

I'd like to refer to the ocean swim from this point on as "The Tit Offensive."  Get it?  A little Vietnam humor for you there.  You're welcome.    

Oh, and by the way, I’m a guy which means that I can relate to Juan Pablo.  It was all over his face.  Like Brad failing to live down his Fantasy Room Chantal tryst when Emily found out about it, Juan Pablo will have to deal with the fallout when he and Nikki settle in to watch the show on the couch.  THAT’S why he was upset.  Camilla schamilla.  

Well that, and the fact that he realizes that Claire is going to snap like a dead branch over the next few weeks.  He’s only beginning to regret it.  Did you see his face when she made her little making memories, making love toast?  She’s got Stage 5 Clinger written all over her.  He should have read my blog.     

Date card. Nikki, let’s have a hell of a good time.


Nikki gets ready.  The headband was too much and she’s been losing me over the last two weeks.  I still think she’s The One, but she needs to follow her advice to the drunk Brazilian and “tone it down a bit.”

He “SU-pry-SES” Nikki by blindsiding her with her greatest fear before they metaphor their way to the bottom of a giant hole and she’s forced to hug him on camera despite the fact that he’s sweatier than a whore in church.   


Dinner.  Tiny black dress and blown out hair.  She looked great and scored huge points with the hope and innocence of children talk.  Solid work, Nikki.  Nice rally.     

Nikki, wheel you assept these rose?  

Juan Pablo opens his shirt all the way to his Khahn Hung and confuses us some more by refusing to kees but ultimately keesing Renee and then giving Claire the “that was a mistake” talk.  She cries at the prospect of offending Camilla by letting Juan Pablo south of her 38th Parallel and into her Demilitarized Zone.  There hasn’t been that much action over there since the Gulf of Tonkin incident. 

Ahh, history humor.  I love it.  Annnnyyyyhoooo . . .

Guy’s Perspective?  When hot nubile chicks show up at your door drunk at 4 a.m. throwing the poon around you can’t blame yourself for taking the bait.   I’d like the female perspective on that, but come on.  What did she expect to accomplish?  

Every fish will bite the worm if it has the chance.  Claire’s an idiot for thinking that little stunt would seal the deal.   She should have coveted her hot tub time and patiently waited for the Fantasy Suite—where it is acceptable to sell out and go for broke.  Don’t you love the patent contradictions?  Man, there’s a lot to think about this week. 

Still, I can’t blame Claire for trying.  He’s been down her throat like streptococcus bacteria since the get go and you can’t blame her for going to get what she wants.  I don’t think that makes her a lascivious tramp.  I just think it makes her look foolish.  If it’s any consolation, Juan Pablo will have to deal with that much longer than she will.  To paraphrase a relevant movie, “Juan Pablo loves the smell of regret in the morning.” 

One final thought on this and then I’ll stop preaching.  Ladies, when a guy looks you in the eye and says “it’s over, water under the bridge, we’re fine, let’s just move on” HE FREAKING MEANS IT.   Men can compartmentalize and can literally just forget about an incident like that.  Juan Pablo was clearly in that mindset last night.  Claire will encounter a big freaking problem when she packs that baggage and flies it all the way to New Zealand next week.    

My favorite line in the entire Juan Pablo/Claire apology talk exchange was when he told her he’d feel the same way if “I was in joor choose.”  Solid.  Claire spends the rest of the night in deep regret pretending to the other women that she has an allergy problem.  What is she allergic to, Spanglish and Promiscuity? 

Harrison shows up at the awkward moment.  Roses are dispensed. 

1.         Renee
2.         Claire
3.         Nikki
4.         Sharleen
5.         Cassandra
6.         Chelsie
7.         Kat
8.         Andi

Danielle, Alli, and Kelly all go home with class.   

I actually liked all three of them. 

Danielle was steady but quiet, Kelly was cool and so was Alli.  They all cry.  Kelly was funny and actually won me over by overcoming the Dog Lover title.  I suspect the funny personality masked some insecurities, but she seemed cool.  Danielle never got much traction beyond her “is it flat, is it curly” hair style changes and I suspect she’s just a bit too passive to distinguish herself in that setting.  Alli was the same way.  They’ll all be fine in their home towns and they’ll all thank their lucky Estrellas when they hit the open bar and buffet before the Women Tell All taping. 

As Joseph Conrad wrote in Heart of Darkness:

Did he live his life again in every detail of desire, temptation, and surrender during that supreme moment of complete knowledge? He cried in a whisper at some image, at some vision, – he cried out twice, a cry that was no more than a breath –"The horror! The horror!"

The horror indeed.  Have a great week.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be in Da Nang at the Khahn Hung eating a Ding Dong before taking a late night swim in the Gulf of Poon Tang.  DP


44 comments:

  1. Girls' Perspective: I know he really loves me (and not these other girls vying for the same prize) and this will seal the deal and prove he's really in to me (pun not intended).
    Viewer's Perspective: Desperation act / classless but I'll throw her a little rope and feel a bit sorry for her because she couldn't control the booze induced moment and the lack of self-esteem she must have. I hope she can move on and take this as a teaching moment.

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    1. Well put anon. Agreed. The problem is not the mistake she made, it's that she made it on camera. DP

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  2. It's not the change of heart that pissed me off, he's allowed to regret what he did and who he did it with. It's the WAY he did it. He and his broken english basically "Slut Shamed" her on national television. He acted like she seduced him or something, like he wasn't down with it as much as she was. And throwing his kid in her face? Weak.

    Like I said, he's allowed after-sex regrets, but that was a really crappy way of handling it. How could he have handled it better? Being Juan Pablo, I have no idea. Personally I think he should've waited till New Zealand or the flight over or when the cameras weren't rolling. To pull her aside and "slut shame" her on national television in front of the whole wide world was weak and made me not-like him that much more.

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    1. Again, agreed. He fumbled the ball as much as she did. To be fair, he did take some responsibility for it. To be more fair, she's the one who showed up at his door at 4am. She's not a slut. She just has poor judgment. DP

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    2. She's not a slut--she just plays one on t.v. He didn't slut-shame her because she did it; he reacted the way he did because she bragged about it in front of all of his other girlfriends/ on national tv with the toast, which revealed to him that she is unbalanced. It's one thing to have a drunken tryst, it's something completely different to boast about it on national t.v. after you sober up. I think he felt desperate to rein her in before she made any more announcements.

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    3. Excellent point. She's also all over the internet denying it and acting like she's been screwed over. Whatever. DP

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  3. Thanks for your humorous take on last Monday's Vietnam-with-no-History Party. Loved the title most.

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  4. The title was good! And I like how you write like he talks. Keeps it real for me. Ha ~Cariss

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    1. Solid. I'm glad you understand the translation! DP

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  5. Feel free to share with us your Nikki theory.

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    1. In due time, Shannon. In due time. I have to make sure I'm right first! DP

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  6. I said this on my Tumblr before reading your blog right now:

    "It’s okay that he has sex with 3 girls on the “fantasy suite” date because that’s what you expect but when he does it earlier it’s the worst crime in the world?"

    Looks like we think alike on some counts. Great blog, as always. Look forward to it every week.

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    1. Exactly. It's a apparently a timing issue these days. Thanks for the comment. DP

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  7. I love your blog so much. Just wanted to point out that you called Renee "Rachel" for the first half of the blog, which had me wracking my brain - "who's Rachel?" - until I got with the program!

    Will you assept this typo report?

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    1. I assept. Oops. Problem solved now. Thanks for hanging in there. DP

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  8. Best recap yet. A million times better than this lame show I can barely stay awake to watch. I loved the "tit offensive". Laughed so hard!

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    1. iamDerby, Glad you appreciated that extremely poor joke. Good to know it wasn't wasted. DP

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  9. You're on fire this week, DP.

    "...metaphor their way to the bottom of a giant hole." Heh.

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    1. I believe the phrase you're searching for is "En Fuego." I assept your compliment. DP

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  10. I thought it was funny that so many of them wore scarves to a hot and humid climate but they all wore their shorty shorts and barely there tops on their respective dates.
    Clare does know how to worm her way to JP's side no matter what the situation is and he wasn't smart to spend so much time with her in the hot tub when all the other ladies were waiting for a chance to talk to him. Love the "spontaneous" show up at his door at 4 am with a camera following. That's the only reason I wonder about the ocean tryst-would they do "it" with a camera guy out there filming? But then again, it was dark and in the crashing waves, it would be hard to know what happened. Editing made it appear that they went all the way and Clare is desperate enough to do that -for a 32 year old, she is very insecure if she thinks on a show like this, that would seal the deal. Loved your "what is she allergic to, Spanglish or Promiscuity" Hilarious take as usual
    Sal in Utah

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    1. Sal, The scarves were confusing, I agree. Some sort of goodie bag must have been handed out in the duty free market before the big flight. For the record, my favorite line of my own this week (yes, I always have one) is the Spanglish one. I'm also bummed that nonone recognized the fact that I referred to Claire as "this week's star." Thanks, as always, for beign a faithful reader. DP

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  11. I look for your blog every week to laugh out loud at the craziness of this show ! I call Nikki also as winner but what my evil mind is excited to see is when he cuts Clare!!!

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    1. A male reader! A true rarity in my world but good to know you're out there. I need you to promise to give your opinion of why I think Nikki is the winner when I post it. As for cutting Claire, we'll see. My guess is that Sharleen backs out eventually. Claire may leave on her own. DP

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  12. JP is the worst Bachelor yet (Ben Flajnik is the second worst). I also had picked Nikki as a winner as well. They are spinning her to be the villain, a la Courtney Robinson. I also think Sharlen bails at some point, and really has nothing in common with him. I'm no Clare fan at all, but I hope it sinks in how poorly he handled the situatiion. Curious who are in your top 5 of worst Bach / Bachettes?

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    1. Prediction: Clare will make it to the top 3. He can't boot her before that without looking like a total a-hole now. I said 3 weeks ago Sharleen would get bored and leave on her own. Nikki will rally. All she has to do is the bare minimum. He's far too interested to let her go over a little complaining. I LOVE the question at the end. I generally like most of these folks. Even if I don't I'm indifferent. However, annoy me to no end.

      1. Jake Pavelka. First class idiot. He's proven this over time.
      2. Dave (Jackass) Macho narcissist
      3. James from last season
      4. Vienna-whiney spoiled brat
      5. Lucy--overindulged fake

      DP

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  13. favorite part of the show - when JP tells Nikki he is tired because he didn't get much sleep. and she says 'because you were so excited?' *head slap* no, Nikki, because he was banging Clare in the ocean. If Nikki wins, this one is not going to be easy to live down...cheers, and thanks for the mid-day distraction! Alisa in Colorado

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    1. Alisa, hilarious. At least he didn't tell Nikki he was sore. DP

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  14. Agreed...Poor judgement -- Clare knew exactly what she was doing showing up at his door at 4am.

    Also, great work pointing out the absurdity of the "Perfect place to fall in Love." The phrase is often overused on the show, but this week it was definitely misused...Vietnam?!?!?

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    1. Mary, exactly. Always good to see you in the mix. Let me know when you come to Austin again. The Mrs. and I would love to see you. DP

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  15. Amazing, per usual DP! I must admit, I guess I'm a bit naive, because I didn't think they actually did the deed...but, as you pointed out, her reaction was not commensurate with some simple ocean swimming. Ick! I feel sorry for her, and all the girls out there who unfortunately make the mistake of thinking sex will ultimately bring home the prize...and I look forward to the fantastic writing that will no doubt ensue as a result of Clare's great unraveling!! ;-)

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    1. Solid. By the way, if you Google her she's all over the airwaves claiming that A. She didn't bang JP and B. She's a victim that was clearly taken advantage of in the warm ocean. In other words, she's milking a bad choice for all of the publicity she can get without taking any responsibility for her choice. DP

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  16. Awesome recap. I, too, was quite bugged that nothing historical was mentioned. Since all involved were born after 1980, it must qualify as ancient history and not mean much. Girl's perspective: He totally shamed her for what happened, not cool. I am pretty sure he was involved when Clare "went for it" in the warm ocean(thank Goodness it wasn't cold). He is allowed to have regrets, he's not allowed to shame her... and on TV for all the world to see. I am not a Clare fan at all, but now I question whether or not I am much of a Juan fan. I really can't wait to see what happens when the others find out. Next week may actually be the "most dramatic episode in Bachelor history." On pins and needles..

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    1. Christy, Like I said, Juan Pablo will pay a much heavier price for that little jaunt than Claire will. She's not a victim, by the way. She was pretty proud of it when she toasted to the group. DP

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  17. As a single thirtysomething, I appreciate the glimpses you offer into the male mind. This week's episode was genuinely distressing to me. But I find some comfort in reading these comments. Thank you for this blog. I consider it an island of thoughtful analysis and delicious sarcasm in a briny ocean full of plastic garbage.

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    1. Romanesque, perhaps you'll find a friendly dolphin amidst the garbage. Just make sure you stay away from the sharks. Glad you enjoy the blog for the reasons I enjoy writing it. The show is almost incidental, isn't it? DP

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  18. You're such a lawyer...you could also be/have been/become a film and/or literary critic or a High School English teacher - because you could teach history too - and thats what happens to high school teachers. I live for this recap.

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    1. ann, You're welcome? FYI, I do hold an Adjunct Professor job at UT Law School, so I guess I qualify as a teacher. I appreciate the feedback and I'm thrilled that I can bring a smile to so many faces each week. For the record, the Mrs. is still under the impression I'm funny although she no longer finds me even as remotely entertaining as all of you. DP

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  19. I'm coming into this late but I just wanted to add that I am surprised that no one mentioned the way Juan Pablo was talking to Clare when she was crying. His "stop crying...look at me...I need you to stop crying...look at me" responses made my skin crawl. So condescending. It actually sounded like he was talking to Camila. Also, I've noticed he just seems so insincere in everything he says. I don't hear anything real coming out of his mouth. Maybe it is just editing...

    Oh, and at first I thought JP and Clare totally did it but the more I think about it, it seems like it would have been too difficult to do that in all those crashing waves. It looked like they were having a hard enough time not getting knocked over, right...?

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    1. hartamber, nope, he nailed her. I'm sure of it. The more I think about it the more sure I am he's not going to cut her until the final 3 or maybe even the final two. Ironically, her little meltdown made her somewhat untouchable. If he boots her he looks like a chach. DP

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  20. I have been watching it on and off - but your reviews are way more fun!

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  21. Loved your Apocolypse Now/Heart of Darkness references --- wish there was a way to throw in Charlie Don' Surf! Thanks for the time you take to blog for us.

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  22. Would it be possible for Renee to be next in line for a Makeover. Why does she look like Loretta Lynn to me? I just want to belt out Coal Miner's Daughter every time I look at her. I am hoping that instead of the final rose she will receive the final curling iron. Really, I wouldn't wash my car looking like she does.

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  23. The "tit" offensive! OMG, I'm crying! "He’s been down her throat like streptococcus bacteria.." I love your recaps. JP is turning out to be a bore, thank goodness we have you and Lincee to make Tuesdays bearable!

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