Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Bachelorette JoJo Episode 9: We're All Short on Time

Hello, Readers.   Yea, I know.  I missed a post last week during Home Town Week.  As most of you know, I’m a current member of the American work force and also a current mortgagor on Wells Fargo’s “B*tch Better Have My Money” List.  As such, it’s imperative for me to prioritize.  I’m sorry I missed, but it was unavoidable.

First things first:  Happy Birthday to Our Host Chris Harrison.

Speaking of priorities, I wondered if JoJo had her own in order when she pulled that crying stunt in her royal blue prom dress on the lonely airfield at the end of last week and the beginning of this week’s show.  Was I the only one who thought Luke’s hometown visit went just about as well as one of those awkward meet and greets could go?  I was in Burnet a few weeks ago on my way up to Marble Falls, Texas.  It’s beautiful there and I was certain that the sunset glass of wine and face sucking on the ad hoc hay bale couch would seal the deal for Luke. 

How shocked did he look when JoJo dropped the hammer at the Rose Ceremony?  I’m not one to toot my own horn (I prefer someone to toot it for me), but I’m usually right about the choices at this point in the season.  I have to admit, I was more blindsided than Luke when JoJo kicked him out of the hangar door in favor of a stiff from Colorado and two dudes who dress like members of the freaking Go Go’s.



As long as I’m wading around in the genre, I also procured a picture of Jordan and Robby taken to promote the final episode.

If it doesn't work out with JoJo can we date each other? 

Remember those guys?  I look back on that picture and ask myself “how did I not know?”    

At any rate, a shocked Luke jumps in the limo on the way to the airport and we hear the producer across from him say, “Now swear a lot or cry.  We’re going to drive around the tarmac until you do one or both.” 

So what’s my take on Luke?  Look, your guess is as good as mine, but I think she was all in until the Hometown Date.  She must have seen a red flag or two while she was visiting with the entire town.  Maybe she’s not a small town girl.  Maybe he’s a little too chummy with mom and dad.  Maybe she’s afraid she’ll end up happy.   I think we’d all agree that Luke was a better, if not more obvious, pick than Chase.  Predictably, he got the boot too while simultaneously dropping one of the best analogies in Bachelorette history. 

“I get a Fantasy Suite Card and then I get sent home,” he lamented.  “That’s like, ‘hey drop your pants’ and then you kick me in the nuts.” 

Frankly, it’s difficult to argue with that statement.  Crude?  Perhaps, a tad.  Accurate?  Damn right it is.  The poor guy took 27 years to tell a girl he loved her, did it on national television, and then got summarily dumped moments later.   A kick in the nuts would have been infinitely less humiliating than that moment.  She could have at least given up a courtesy bang in the Fantasy Suite and phoned up some chilled cantaloupe and honeydew the following morning.  She’d already banged herself 2/3 of the way through the final dudes.  You ever see a barefoot Kenyan drop out of a marathon in mile 25?  I’m just sayin’. 

So here we are.  Hair-wise, we’re left with Peppermint Patty vs. Woody Woodpecker in the battle for the heretofore unlucky-in-love JoJo.  Like I said, I’m at a loss this time; however, I have a feeling that Jordan is going to win.  Honestly, what girl can look a guy in the eye and say I love you when she’s getting pedicures with him?  Robby owns more white pants and pink flannel shirts than JoJo does for crying out loud.  Throw in the fact that—no matter how remote—if JoJo picks Jordan there’s always the chance she can facilitate a reunion between the wayward go-jillionaire Aaron Rogers and his former football playing brother in hopes of brunching on his yacht or whatever.       

If Luke isn’t the next Bachelor, I don’t know who is.  Perhaps they’ll ween Chad off of his Stanazolol and protein diet and encourage him to take one or two of those yoga classes that Chase and Chris Soules were subjected to on their dates perhaps he’ll mellow out enough to not verbally or physically abuse anyone for a while.  Granted, “a while” in Chad’s world is around the life expectancy of the tse tse fly, but whatever.    

Unfortunately, the guy is a Producer’s dream.  Getting him wound up is like blowing gently on a forest fire.  Besides, the Producers can find wimps like Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Guy to throw in front of him like raw meat in front of a caged lion.   I might actually tune in to see that. 

Unfortunately, folks, that’s all the time I have to write this week.  I figured something is better than nothing.   Work should calm down in August and I’ll have some time for off-season reflections.  I’m still debating myself regarding the Bachelor in Paradise season.  Encourage me. 

Thanks, as always, for your patience and your patronage.  I appreciate it.  Weigh in on your pick for the Kentucky Derby winner and let me know your thoughts on the big finale.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be getting a pedicure with my girlfriends over a glass of Chardonnay.  DP
       



32 comments:

  1. Hilarious as always! Thanks for taking time out of your busy life to entertain us! And how can you not want to write about the craziness that is sure to be The Chad in BIP? Sure to be too much great material to resist...

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    1. Great material vs. My Sanity. I'll have to mull it over. Thanks for thanking me and thanks for reading. DP

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    2. Sanity is overrated, and your witty writing is forever. It is not nearly as much fun without your recaps! Thanks again for at least considering it :)

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  2. Love the 80's music references. How did I not know, indeed.

    I, too, was completely blindsided by Luke getting booted. (See what I did there?) I am usually right about who gets picked, and I did not see that one coming. I think it's Jordan for the win. Robby is way more girly than I am, and I am pretty much a chick's chick. I could never be with a guy like him--way to much competition for bathroom space to store products. But I would love to shop with him. But then this show isn't about me, now is it?

    Pleeeeeeease blog on BIP. Give me something to live for. (Consider yourself encouraged.)

    ~Kim in NYC (used to be FL, but TX is still home either way)

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    1. Of course it's about you, Kim. Solid pun work and solid analysis. Now all you have to do is move back to Texas. DP

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  3. Oh Some Guy you cracked me up! I have sent the Kenyan quote to my sis to entice her to do some bedtime reading; I passed on the MTA so I could read your blog...it was a good decision...thanks for the laughs!

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    1. I hope your sister took the bait. Thanks for the favorite line. DP

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  4. Love the references to Wham, too. Chase was my pick but he slowly lost it for me then I thought it would be Luke. JoJo passed up a good guy for somebody who is hiding his real self or one who is living in the shadow of his famous football brother. I think she will go with Jordan cause she is drawn to the pseudo fame he provides. Won't last cause you can tell he's not into her really-he always looks away when they talk and is very uncomfortable with serious talks about how he would handle a real relationship. My guess is that they will last the contracted 6 months or whatever.
    BIP is a train wreck but worth some mind numbing time.
    Sal in Utah

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    1. Chase was your pick? Please explain that. Granted, he's got a real job and he appears to be a homeowner, which (sadly) sets him apart from his peers, but he's about as boring as his mortgage paperwork. DP

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  5. I'm a long time reader but have never commented! Love love your blog! It's the only thing that makes throwing somewhere between 2 and 4 hours a week down the drain. (Seriously - they need to stop with these 4 hour weeks).

    Sending lots of BIP blogging encouragement!! Think of all the writing (and laughing) material that'll come from having Chad, Lace and Ashley I in the same place at the same time.

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    1. good point about all the crazy that will come from chad, lace, and ashley i. all being together!! oh, don't forget nick.

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    2. Nick is on again? Good Lord. He's been fornicating on this show and its progeny for years. Good for that guy. It's important to find a niche. DP

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  6. You need encouragement to spend your precious time on Bachelor in Paradise? OBVIOUSLY you need to watch it. Your public awaits!

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    1. Solid. Unfortunately, this IS the good stuff. DP

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  8. How boring will it be if they make Chase the next bachelor?

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  9. So glad you wrote your usual hilarious comments. I love the Kenyan reference too. I think she'll pick Jordan but either one left won't work. Maybe Luke will call her up when it all goes to hell. Love you, SGIA!
    DEK

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    1. The Kenyan reference is going over huge. I'm happy.

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  10. Oh Some Guy....the line about the barefoot Kenyan was it for me!!! If I already didn't think you were a genius with that one, then the WHAM! reference pretty much nailed it. I don't know how you do it.

    I can honestly say that in the many years that I have been watching this show, I am usually spot on with who the top 2 or 3 are going to be and I think we were all Luke when she dumped him. Totally did NOT see that coming at all. Especially after that hometown date, I figured it was a done deal. How she picked Chase over him is truly a mystery. I've always liked Chase, too, but Luke had WAY more going for him. But, what do I know?!? I'm not JoJo and she clearly knows what she wants..... Jordan Rodgers. In the end I think it doesn't matter who she had standing there at the final two with Jordan. I think she probably had her mind made up about him a few weeks ago. So be it. But if, by some crazy twist, she picks Robbie, I'll lose all hope for this show. HA!

    You didn't miss anything watching the MTA...they gave stupid Chad WAY too much air time. UGH. He was exhausting as ever.

    Thanks for the giggles....can't wait for the Finale!!!

    Rose in OC

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  11. please do bach in paradise recaps! recaps are like 35% of why i watch these insane shows. and yours and lincee's are the only ones worth reading!

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  12. IMHO Chase was the best choice .. the man actually has a job, owns his own home, seems a little shy maybe but all in all a good guy. Robby .. former competitive swimmer? Jordan .. former football player?? Do these guys think they will be good marriage material? Seriously,

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  13. Thank you for writing another excellent recap! My Bachelorette bracket had Luke and Jordan as the final two, but I suspected early on she'd go Jordan's direction. At this point in the show's lifespan, it seems that most contestants are involved to become media personalities...so although Luke and Chase seem relatively normal, kind, and handsome, it doesn't have the same pull in this arena.

    Here's my pitch for why you should recap BIP: you do such a great job of sussing out the underlying psychology of these people and their interactions. It turns a guilty pleasure into a guilty pleasure with cultural merit.

    With every post, you're fighting the good fight.

    Either way, we'll be with you.

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  14. Good points and good pitch. However, I wouldn't go so far as "cultural merit." That's for the opera and the ballet. This is just a blog filled with what used to be in my head. DP

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  15. No one has mentioned it, but it seemed like Luke got a lot of time from Chris Harrison,on Bachelors Tell All. I was waiting for Chris to announce "our next bachelor".
    However, romantic that I am, the perfect ending to this season would be for JoJo to reject both bachelors and ride off into the sunset with Luke! Just sayin'
    B in NY

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  16. I think it's pretty clear that JoJo is anything but "unlucky" in love. She definitely has a type and is drawn to the douchebag guys - it is not a coincidence that all her past relationships have been with bad boys - she seeks them out. I don't think she realizes she is doing this, but geez, this girl is ridiculous. She kept both guys who she has (or claims to have) the most doubts and insecurities about. I basically feel like this season is a repeat of Andi's season and "former baseball player" Josh. It has been Jordan the whole way. And all I can really say about it is "ew." He is so smarmy.

    Mel B in OH

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  17. Thanks for the recap, SG - While I do agree that Chase is kind of boring (actually, he's just a normal, nice guy which is of course why he got the boot), I would rather him be the next Bachelor over Luke any day. To me, Luke is super creepy.....very robotic and has that dead in the eyes vibe reminiscent of a serial killer. All I think of when I see him is "put the lotion in the basket" and it's terrifying.

    Please please please for the love of all that is holy....recap BIP. We need you.

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