Bachelorette JoJo Episode 9: We're All Short on Time

Hello, Readers.   Yea, I know.  I missed a post last week during Home Town Week.  As most of you know, I’m a current member of the American work force and also a current mortgagor on Wells Fargo’s “B*tch Better Have My Money” List.  As such, it’s imperative for me to prioritize.  I’m sorry I missed, but it was unavoidable.

First things first:  Happy Birthday to Our Host Chris Harrison.

Speaking of priorities, I wondered if JoJo had her own in order when she pulled that crying stunt in her royal blue prom dress on the lonely airfield at the end of last week and the beginning of this week’s show.  Was I the only one who thought Luke’s hometown visit went just about as well as one of those awkward meet and greets could go?  I was in Burnet a few weeks ago on my way up to Marble Falls, Texas.  It’s beautiful there and I was certain that the sunset glass of wine and face sucking on the ad hoc hay bale couch would seal the deal for Luke. 

How shocked did he look when JoJo dropped the hammer at the Rose Ceremony?  I’m not one to toot my own horn (I prefer someone to toot it for me), but I’m usually right about the choices at this point in the season.  I have to admit, I was more blindsided than Luke when JoJo kicked him out of the hangar door in favor of a stiff from Colorado and two dudes who dress like members of the freaking Go Go’s.

As long as I’m wading around in the genre, I also procured a picture of Jordan and Robby taken to promote the final episode.

If it doesn't work out with JoJo can we date each other? 

Remember those guys?  I look back on that picture and ask myself “how did I not know?”    

At any rate, a shocked Luke jumps in the limo on the way to the airport and we hear the producer across from him say, “Now swear a lot or cry.  We’re going to drive around the tarmac until you do one or both.” 

So what’s my take on Luke?  Look, your guess is as good as mine, but I think she was all in until the Hometown Date.  She must have seen a red flag or two while she was visiting with the entire town.  Maybe she’s not a small town girl.  Maybe he’s a little too chummy with mom and dad.  Maybe she’s afraid she’ll end up happy.   I think we’d all agree that Luke was a better, if not more obvious, pick than Chase.  Predictably, he got the boot too while simultaneously dropping one of the best analogies in Bachelorette history. 

“I get a Fantasy Suite Card and then I get sent home,” he lamented.  “That’s like, ‘hey drop your pants’ and then you kick me in the nuts.” 

Frankly, it’s difficult to argue with that statement.  Crude?  Perhaps, a tad.  Accurate?  Damn right it is.  The poor guy took 27 years to tell a girl he loved her, did it on national television, and then got summarily dumped moments later.   A kick in the nuts would have been infinitely less humiliating than that moment.  She could have at least given up a courtesy bang in the Fantasy Suite and phoned up some chilled cantaloupe and honeydew the following morning.  She’d already banged herself 2/3 of the way through the final dudes.  You ever see a barefoot Kenyan drop out of a marathon in mile 25?  I’m just sayin’. 

So here we are.  Hair-wise, we’re left with Peppermint Patty vs. Woody Woodpecker in the battle for the heretofore unlucky-in-love JoJo.  Like I said, I’m at a loss this time; however, I have a feeling that Jordan is going to win.  Honestly, what girl can look a guy in the eye and say I love you when she’s getting pedicures with him?  Robby owns more white pants and pink flannel shirts than JoJo does for crying out loud.  Throw in the fact that—no matter how remote—if JoJo picks Jordan there’s always the chance she can facilitate a reunion between the wayward go-jillionaire Aaron Rogers and his former football playing brother in hopes of brunching on his yacht or whatever.       

If Luke isn’t the next Bachelor, I don’t know who is.  Perhaps they’ll ween Chad off of his Stanazolol and protein diet and encourage him to take one or two of those yoga classes that Chase and Chris Soules were subjected to on their dates perhaps he’ll mellow out enough to not verbally or physically abuse anyone for a while.  Granted, “a while” in Chad’s world is around the life expectancy of the tse tse fly, but whatever.    

Unfortunately, the guy is a Producer’s dream.  Getting him wound up is like blowing gently on a forest fire.  Besides, the Producers can find wimps like Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Guy to throw in front of him like raw meat in front of a caged lion.   I might actually tune in to see that. 

Unfortunately, folks, that’s all the time I have to write this week.  I figured something is better than nothing.   Work should calm down in August and I’ll have some time for off-season reflections.  I’m still debating myself regarding the Bachelor in Paradise season.  Encourage me. 

Thanks, as always, for your patience and your patronage.  I appreciate it.  Weigh in on your pick for the Kentucky Derby winner and let me know your thoughts on the big finale.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be getting a pedicure with my girlfriends over a glass of Chardonnay.  DP