Hello, Readers. Wow, do we have a lot to discuss. I’m far past the illusion that anything on this show happens by accident, so I have to start out with a shout out to the ABC intern who cleverly embedded questions in the initial interview questionnaire that would easily identify women with unquenchable appetites for grain alcohol accompanied by a glaring inability to appreciate the consequences of digitally recorded public drunkenness.
Props are also appropriate to the guy who made those slaphappy women sign the unconscionably one-sided ABC release before they were too drunk to consent to it. Ladies, when you sober up, Google the word “perpetuity.”
Jordan is already complaining about it.
Look: JORDAN COMPLAINS
Although there was no shortage of joke material this week there sure as hell was a shortage of pants. I have to hand it to the Bachelor Production Staff this week. I can’t figure out which decision was the most brilliant.
Let’s see, there was the decision to throw caution to the wind by embracing the realization that a bevy of drunk women provides a lot more opportunities for cringe (and TV ratings) inducing coverage than a drunken lone wolf. Along with that was the decision to open the alcohol flood gates near the three women (Ashley S., Tara, and Jordan) who didn’t have an ark to retreat to once those gates were opened.
Then there was the decision to relocate our usually sequestered Bachelor from his Fortress of Seclusion and place him within stumbling slut distance of the 23 women vying for his attention. As if that wasn’t tempting enough, they sent Harrison in with a Cheshire Cat grin on his face to not only tell them about it but actually dare them to sneak over there like N.V.A. Regulars crawling through razor wire.
They might as well have put the entire bar over on his lawn and fired up a scavenger hunt for a Neil Lane ring on the property. He’s toast. They’ll be showing up at his door like a bunch of pants-less, drunken, Jehovah’s Witnesses looking for converts on a Sunday afternoon.
Let’s explore the details, shall we?
We cut back into the never-ending first Rose Ceremony where Kimberly, the heretofore roseless yoga instructor, walks back in to ask Chris if she can stay. I found myself laughing into my Lone Star at the simplicity of it all. It’s difficult to believe that after 19 seasons of this mess it’s never occurred to any of the scorned suitors that the brick wall between them and the self-congratulatory toast going on with the remaining rose bearers doesn’t actually exist. “Just walk back in,” never occurred to any of them (or us?) until this episode.
As an aside, I once asked a yoga instructor on a date. She agreed and I asked her what time she'd like me to pick her up. She replied, "I'm flexible."
Annnyyyyhooo . . .
My point was driven home when all of the remaining women wonder aloud if “it’s allowed.” Of course it is, you morons, there are no rules. All one needs is the inevitable rubber stamp of approval from Our Host, Chris Harrison.
The girls abandon chairs for some reason while Kimberly begs for another chance at getting once again put out of the mansion like a dog with muddy paws. I’ll give her credit, though. It was a ballsy move and she didn’t seem too desperate considering the circumstances. She almost F’d it up when she hit Chris with “what are you thinking?”
Memo to all women: that interrogatory—what are you thinking?---is like “do these jeans make my ass look big” or “is my sister prettier than me”—men hate it. Regardless, Chris has Harrison summoned from his quarters after his post-rose ceremony sponge bath to grant dispensation to Kimberly. Done deal. Chris drops the awkward news on the ladies. That party lasted so long Tara had actually begun to sober up.
Moments later, Chris meets with Harrison over a cup of Earl Grey and an untucked oxford befitting the casual formality of his search for love before Harrison heads up the driveway to tempt the ladies with the first Date Card. Tara, no doubt, still smelled of whiskey.
Chris takes an outdoor shower so as not to contaminate the mansion. It was like a scene from Silkwood, for crying out loud. I was waiting for Cher to run and grab Meryl Streep to go see him. Why can’t he shower indoors?
“Show me your Country. Chris.” Jade, Tandra, Ashey I., Mackenzie, Kimberly, and Tara “win” the First Group Date.
Megan is jealous . . . an emotional state that will soon be eclipsed by her abject stupidity and Jillian’s ABC-eclipsed Hoo-Ha.
Pool Party! Shocking, but not as shocking as the fact that Tara is still standing. I’d compare her to an oak but I’d be willing to bet that if an oak tree had as much whiskey as she drank the night before, it would turn into a weeping willow.
Chicken fights and fake hooters rule the day and we confirm that Cody’s two egg whites and 8 oz. of water per day, slim down diet has clearly not yielded a permanent result on Chris. In a harbinger of degrading things to come Kimberly gets interviewed in her bikini on a deserted LA street corner. Odd, I thought.
For some reason, Jillian and Megan go motorcycle hunting in bikini bottoms. Well, Megan had on bikini bottoms. Jillian’s special area was obscured (from all sides) by a carefully placed black box. At first, I was convinced they were hiding a phallus and that would be the “biggest controversy in Bachelor history” revealed this season. Imagine a Crying Game climax in the Fantasy Suite. Would any of us put that past Mike Fleiss at this point? I doubt that would play well in Iowa.
Then, I decided she borrowed a bikini from Britt before I eventually settled on the most popular explanation in the audience: Jillian didn’t pack her NoNo. Boy, she had a bad episode, didn’t she? It wasn't helped by an already drunken Jordan swearing that Jillian had "the hairiest a** she'd ever seen." Wow.
For some reason, the women are paraded down a vacant LA street—likely at sunrise—in their bikinis for a tractor race for bragging rights and a chance to sit on Chris’ lap for a while. Could that have been more degrading? They might as well have had a sausage eating contest at the finish line.
It was at that point that I rewound in order to check the spelling of the word “Country” on the “Show Me your Country” Date Card. If you take the “O” out, the entire show made sense. Ashley I. wins and simultaneously compares herself to a Kardashian giving me one more reason to dislike her. Her eyelashes are thicker than her virgin act.
I thought Tandra looked the best on the group date and it was apparent that Jade had a lot of freckles. Say what you want about Whiskey Enthusiast Tara, I thought she seemed fun too. I was dead wrong about Tandra sticking around but I still think Jade will rally. Hell, if she just keeps quiet along with Tracy the hot school teacher the rest of the drunks will fall like watermelons off a farm truck at the rate we’re headed. We may have the first Fantasy Dates by default in Bachelor history.
Meanwhile . . . things get REALLY heavy at the Wo-mansion.
Juelia tells us that she has a daughter, Ireland, or is it Irueland? HOWEVER, her husband killed himself. Good Lord. Based on the track history of this show, I was praying that they wouldn’t send her somewhere on a date that accentuates her pain—you know, like a farm where she has to shoot the walking dead.
And someone could have mixed in a hug or a pat on the back, for crying out loud. Poor thing.
Tara gives us a third-person account of what drives Tara to drink when she says, “Tara always walks away empty handed” after Mackenzie snags the date rose and some one-on-one time. Well, I suppose that’s technically accurate if you don’t count the bottle of whiskey in her left hand and the shot glass in her right. Poor Tara. More about her later too. I actually really liked her.
Mackenzie gets one on one. She promptly tells Chris she’s “super, like, observant.” She’s, like, super uncomfortably awkward but let’s give her a little leeway. It’s likely her third date ever—including the one night stand in the cabbage patch where her son (and presumably his name) were conceived.
Mackenzie drops the earth shattering news that she has a ring with the word “Kale” on it. More importantly, it doesn’t mean she loves a hardy cabbage of a variety that produces erect stems with large leaves and no compact head, it means she has a kid named after hardy cabbage of a variety that produces erect stems with large leaves and no compact head. The fact that she actually enjoys a hardy cabbage of a variety that produces erect stems with large leaves and no compact head is purely conincidental. Chris is underwhelmed.
They “dance” near a Wooden Indian. If you want to waste more of your employer’s money today, read my post about my near theft of a Wooden Indian.
Ding Dong, date card.
Megan. “Love is a natural wonder, Chris”. Megan doesn’t realize it’s a date card. It’s apparent from her reaction that it’s natural for Megan to wonder.
Megan was an odd pick to me. It had me rethinking my entire Top 5, but it’s early I told myself. Megan? They fly via private jet to Las Vegas to have a helicopter trip over Grand Canyon. I had a hard time figuring out what was more vast: the expanse of the Grand Canyon or the expanse of space between Megan’s ears.
The irony is that neither one of them used the word “amazing” to describe the Grand Canyon. And speaking of Grand Canyons, Megan’s FFF custom made first date bra appeared to be under a great deal of tension.
Megan kills the chardonnay buzz with her my dad passed away story. She tries to save the date with some kind words. Megan. She doesn't understand the word "quit." Then again there's a lot of words Megan probably doesn't understand.
Let’s recap Chris’ Bachelor experience so far and in the near future, shall we?
Date one: I have a kid.
Date two: My dad just died.
Soon-to-be date with Juelia: my husband committed suicide and I have a kid.
Soon-to-be date with Kelsie: my husband also died
Good Lord. The drunks sound more attractive by the minute. At least you can put a lock on the liquor cabinet.
Ding dong. Kelsie, Trina, Allisa, Tracey, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Kaitlyn, and Britt get the second Group Date. “To Death do Us Part, Chris”.
Paintball Zombie date. Let’s just cut to the chase here. Ashley S. was literally out of her mind. Look, I’d like to poke fun but I found it hard not to wonder if she didn’t legitimately need psychiatric medical attention. She clearly mixed a lot of booze with whatever meds she takes to kill the pain behind her life choices on a daily basis. Unlike Jordan and Tara—your run-of-the-mill drunk girls, Ashley S. appeared almost schizophrenic. Chris looked horrified.
Becca dropped the best gem as Ashley S. scampered off to incoherently babble to Chris. “I don’t know if talking to him was the best idea.” Indeed. That might be the first time I’ve ever felt sorry for the Bachelor.
It’s Proactive mask time back at the mansion and guess what? Jordan is hammered. I think a night out with her and Tara would be fun, but it’s clear that “night out” is tantamount to Groundhog Day for Jordan. Tara was at least sober enough to stand on the top bleacher this week. Baby steps, Tara. Baby steps. Attagirl.
Kaitlyn gets some one-on-one. She’s cool and funny. However, she seems incapable of being serious, which could become a precursor to the inevitable “I really like Kaitlyn but we're not making progress” scenario that usually gets someone dumped on a catamaran in the tropics before hometowns. We’ll see. I like her. I’m not convinced Chris will mesh his tendency to laugh around her with a genuine physical attraction to her. The jury is oot and aboot on her.
She did get a weird kiss and a date rose that she accepted with class and that didn’t bring back-biting commentary and catty comments to the forefront. I suppose that says a lot about the way the other girls feel about her too.
Chris and his horribly fitting suit show up for the big cocktail party. The pants were way too short. They almost had to put a black box around his ankles. Perhaps the same person that measured him for his suit also measured Jillian for her bikini bottoms, I thought.
Lone Star makes me funny.
Whitney is a mystery to me. She reminds me of Mandy Peppridge from Animal House. I can see her at a white-glove Junior League event welcoming some Southern Senator and thanking him for agreeing to speak on such short notice. She rallied, though. I thought the whiskey gift (albeit selected by an intern) was thoughtful. Her voice was annoying but she seemed genuine and looked pretty. If she can remove the steel rod from her rectum she might stick around a bit.
Upon hearing from Ashley I. that her hymen is in tact, Mackenzie laments the brief time between her first period and the loss of her virginity. Convinced that “guys love virgins,” she whines, “I can’t even use that because I have a kid.” Classic. It really doesn’t get any better than that.
Note to the most naïve contestant in Bachelor history: 31 year old guys don’t “love virgins.” To a 31 year old guy—especially in today’s dating market—“Hot Virgin” equals “Teenager” which equals a potentially small problem known as statutory rape. Real men don’t date a woman based on her sexual history, or lack therof.
Granted, men don’t want a woman who has been passed around like the peace pipe in a teepee, but they’d rather have a woman who is self-assured and that respects herself than get the first crack at her in the sack. The last time I checked CareerBuilder.com most of the job listings required some experience. The only guys Chris’ age who went around looking for virgins were Mayan kings trying to quell the anger of the Sun God.
Ashley I. gets some one-on-one time in her Barbara Eden I Dream of Jeannie outfit with her hymen in tact. She shows Chris a magic lamp belly ring and forces him to rub it for a wish. Even I hid behind the couch pillow. As if that wasn’t enough, she proceeds to do her anaconda impression by trying to swallow him head first in their makeout session. The entire thing was weird. She needs to get laid.
In an effort to let us know who got zero camera time, ABC gives us a quick tour of the girls with enough sense to stay sober and below the radar this week. Alissa looked pretty and seemed stable, Amber was consistent, Tracy was still hot, Jade was too, and Trina looked like every stewardess on the final leg of a 4-flight day before she heads from the airport back to her hotel room to remove her blue panty hose and wash down a Valium with a bottle of overpriced and foul-tasting minibar Chablis.
Jordan was hammered and wanted to make out. She’s the girl every dude has picked up at a bar at closing time. She’s good for a taxi cab fondle session on the way back to her apartment before she cries into the toilet while you hold her hair as she vomits out all of the free drinks you bought her. She embarrassed herself.
Harrison can’t wipe the smile off his face when he shows up with the ubiquitous champagne glass and butter knife. He’s seen the raw footage and the raw footage is good.
Tara behaved nicely. Granted, it wasn’t hard to stay below the radar this week, but at least she was coherent.
5. Ashley I.
18. Ashley S.
Kimberly 0-2 but at least she went out swinging. I liked her better than I did the first episode. So did Chris, just not enough to keep her around.
Tandra—Some Guy was wrong about her. I think she was hot. Chris apparently didn’t.
Alissa—Too far below the radar. She seemed nice but sunk into the background too much to be noticed. She was sweet and lost with class. We all know that’s the best anyone can hope for on this show. Just ask coochie-showing, responding to the wrong name, rug slipping, hairy-assed Jillian.
Buck up, Jillian. Even Tom Brady has thrown 4 interceptions in one game. Shake it off . . . and buy some pants. You'll be fine.
Tara—Oh, Tara. Like the Gone with the Wind plantation that bears your name, you went down in flames. However, like that estate, you’ll rise again to your former glory.
A word about Tara: I liked her. She was real and she was genuine. If any of you weren’t a tad bit moved at her tearful, third-person goodbye, you’re awful people.
Sure she got hammered on night one, but she clearly has a lot of baggage to deal with. If she finds the right guy who’s patient enough to be with her until she sobers up and finds a better focus in life than whiskey, she’ll make a good wife. I’m certain of it. She looked great in her green dress until the puffy eyes and runny nose came out.
Well, there it is. I think we’d all agree that we’re off to one hell of a start so far this season. With the Journey Count at an early-season high of 14 and the Amazing Count at an incredible 45, we head into Episode 3. Take care of yourselves this week. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be drinking whiskey, pants-less, riding a tractor after a pool party. DP