Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Emily Episode 3: Emily's Pole Position


Hello, Readers.  Welcome back to the next installment of Emily’s overly optimistic search for a normal guy with no significant issues.  Monday’s episode featured some Bachelorette franchise staples such as poor dancing, roller coaster riding, office building wall climbing and subsequent metaphoring, and emasculated men crying—albeit in an alley rather than atop balcony.  It also explored some new territory, including but not limited to steroid enraged monchichis, a new take on feminine attire for men, abject early-season ball busting, and a couple of guys unwittingly eliminating themselves from the hunt. All in all, Emily maintained her composure fairly well and I managed to make it through without consuming additional Lone Star Beer.  I know you’re anxious for the breakdown.  Let’s get to it.   


We begin with a shot of Emily’s free horse and end up in Emily’s free house where her mother brings her a free breakfast in her free bed in her free bedroom as Little Ricki embodies our collective disdain for the situation by remaining outside the prying eye of the camera.  Emily’s mother proves she’s been smoking for the better part of her life by highlighting the sandpaper in her vocal chords and talking Emily about the upcoming day.


In the meantime, the men sit around the MAN-sion in feminine t-shirts watching the veins in Ryan’s neck slowly begin to swell like the small fissures in the Earth’s crust near Pompeii a few hours before Mt. Vesuvius erupted.  We’ll get to him and his Hulk-like transformation later in the post.  It’s amazing how much the Hulk’s hairdo looks likes a Monchichi’s hairdo, isn’t it?






  


Perhaps paying his own silent tribute to the troops on Memorial Day, Harrison appears in some sort of odd pseudo military jacket thing and announces the rules we all know prior to dropping the date card we all expect and hightailing it off the grounds to make his tee time with the governor.   


Stage fright Charlie ignores his well-documented fears of reading aloud and being in front of an audience and reads aloud in front of an audience.  "Love is a steady climb,” the Date Card reads and Chucklehead Chris is thrilled to get the big date. 


Incidentally, I hope all of you appreciate the irony that Charlie is the first contestant in Bachelor history who actually avoids balconies rather than seeking them out in order to cry off of them.   If only one of Jake’s balconies would have been built by the same subcontractor that built Charlie’s friend’s balcony I wouldn’t have had to endure seeing that A-hole intermittently prance around my television screen for the past two years pretending to be a pilot. 


Chucklehead packs his bags, proclaims that it’s his “time to shine,” and heads out to meet Emily and her Motorcycle tank top in downtown Charlotte.  They “so excited” each other before strolling “aimlessly” toward some place called “Mint.”  I’ll skip over this portion of the date except to say that if you’re really enthralled with what Some Guy might write about this sort of thing, just open up any of my previous posts in any other season where this exact date has taken place with the exception of the location. 


The best and most Fifty Shades of Grey-esque line was inadvertently uttered by Chris when he noted that Emily “looks unbelievable in a harness.”  Amen, Chucklehead.  Amen.  They climb the wall, high five, and head to dinner while the guy with the boom mike sits there questioning his career choice and praying that the lightening storm moving through downtown won’t find the end of that long metal pole he has to hold in order to capture meaningless conversation.  You could almost hear “Dear Lord, please don’t let me go out like this,” coming from the inside of his cranium. 


After some small talk, Chris proves he’s certainly one of the more mature guys in the house in addition to reassuring Emily that despite being 25, he’s aware of what he’s signing up for—a “package deal.”  Frankly, I was impressed with the way he handled the situation and I’m not so sure that Emily wouldn’t do well to get a guy his age with a desire to commit rather than chasing down another 40 year old boy like Womack with severe commitment and self-involvement issues.


That’s not a judgment on 40 year old single guys.  My point is that 40 year old single guys are usually single that long for a reason.  I understand Emily’s attraction to an “older guy,” but younger might be the way to go for her.  I’m just sayin’.  Of course, this logic doesn’t apply to certain well-established, handsome, athletic, and charming attorneys in Austin, Texas who may or may not be interested in her.  Annnnyyyhoooo . . .


After dinner, they stroll “aimlessly” again and happen upon a Luke Bryan concert.  In light of the impending appearance by Dolly Parton—one of the most prolific songwriters in music history and one of the best pure singers to ever grace a stage—I think it’s an appropriate time to differentiate “pop country” from real “country.”  Luke Bryan—in a word—sucks.  There’s like 50 of that guy on the radio right now.  He performs both of his songs about speakers going boom boom while invoking every redneck stereotype imaginable as Chris bears the fruits of his labor by attempting to dance with Emily, eventually getting permission to kiss her.  Eventually, the velvet ropes are lifted and the adoring crowd of locals is allowed to enter the dance floor after being given strict “don’t’ touch the talent or you’ll deal with the full wrath of ABC” instructions.  Nice work, Chucklehead.  Nice work. 


Back at the MAN-sion, Tony the Lumber Guy breaks the rules by using a cell phone to call his kid and Jef manages to find the Group Date Card in the absence of a doorbell ring.  He wasn’t about to give up, let anyone down, run around, or hurt anyone.  He wasn’t going to make them cry, say goodbye, or desert them. 






Charlie, Alejandro, Stevie, Ryan, Allesandro, Sean, Wolf, Micheal, Doug, Jef, Tony, and Travis get the "Let's play. . . " Date Card and we begin to see the set up for Tony’s epic meltdown unfold.    


After seeing the canned flying geese footage for the third time in three episodes, we see the standard striped shirt, baggy shorts, Reservoir Dogs-esque chump walk toward a football-bearing Emily in the park.  Ryan’s veins subside for a bit at the thought of hearkening back to his football days as he still remains under the impression that commitment minded women view physical prowess and aggressive behavior as the top two qualifications in a husband. No one has the heart to tell him that only sluts do that.   


Ryan opts for the black t-shirt like Linus from Peanuts opts for his blanket.   Beefy Doug and Sean lay back choosing to survey the battlefield rather than jumping into the fray of swinging dongs vying for Emily’s attention.  Doug also goes black t-shirt—although it appeared that he washed the thing in hot water—as an effective cancellation of Ryan’s black t-shirt.  Ryan pretends not to notice. 


By the way, if that little coincidence happened to the women on the Bachelor, one of them would cry an the other one would have to go home and change while the other women comforted the crier insisting that she bought the outfit first and that it looked better on her. 


Jef laments his puffed up hair and lack of a puffed up chest.  The guy literally looked like he was 10 years old on the playground minus the Astley hair.  Emily meets her less-attractive, yet fiercely loyal frumpy mom friends and lets them know they’ll be screening the men.  Two of them appear mildly amused and ready to have a bit of fun with the exercise while the one we will come to know as “Wendy” froths at the mouth relishing the opportunity to demean multiple members of the male gender.  Let the ball busting begin. 


Emily breaks the news to the guys and Alejandro immediately regrets the pink v-neck and diamond stud earrings. 


Let me summarize this little exercise.  Push ups, dancing, and monkey tricks seem to be the ultimate test for a qualified husband according to Wendy.  I'm sure some of you were laughing at this segment, but the man-hater had me pissed.  I'm sure her emasculated husband was at home doing whatever his handwritten list told him to do (and ultimately would be done “wrong” in Wendy’s eyes) in addition to watching their child while she attempted to castrate some more men.  She was unnecessarily condescending and I have to say that I would have told her to head back to her house and boss her own husband around rather than jump through whatever hoop met her fancy. 


Think I’m overreacting?  Just reverse the tables.  You think that segment would ever happen on the Bachelor?  Picture a group of men getting a hold of 25 nubile, anxious to please bachelorettes in the park and being given a license to ask them questions like that. 


Touch your elbows behind your back

Can you stand and hold your breath while your head is between your legs?

Do you put out on a first date?

What are you willing to do in the Fantasy Suite?

Do you have hot friends for us? 


The list goes on.  Bottom line is that I didn’t find that bit “fun” or “playful.”  Wendy took a little too much pleasure in her ball busting role.  Thankfully, a group of kids shows up and we all pray that the men have been properly screened through the North Carolina Sex Offender Database in addition to that fat guy with the leather hat who helped Roz pack her sh*t.  No surprise, the dads do well and guys like Alejandro half-ass it while trying not to mess up their Armani Exchange t-shirts. 


Ryan gives up on the kids and comes and talks to the girls.  Wendy continues to be a pig, but Ryan one ups her by telling Emily “if you got fat, I'd love you just not on you.”  Nice, douchebag.  Look, we all know that we don’t want our significant other to balloon up like Elvis in 1977, but that’s not something you lead with during the nascent stages of a courtship.  Perhaps the Gamma Rays coursing through his bloodstream clouded his judgment.  We wouldn’t like him when he’s angry….





Emily removes her “mom clothes”—if only every mom dressed like that—in favor of a gold mini-skirt and a silk top.  We head for the VIP lounge at Butter Night Club where she makes a toast before sipping on a Michelle Money sized glass of Chardonnay.  She talks to Sean.  He hasn't dated in over a year and gives her the "my parents are in love," "my family," "my future," “my faith” speech being sure to include everything she likes. 


Note to single women:  Sean is probably a nice guy.  He seems sincere.  However, that little “my life is perfect and I haven’t dated in a year because of it” speech is a red flag.  That usually translates into “you will never meet my expectations” or “I’m a secret homosexual and I can’t tell my parents” situation.  Let’s hope I’m wrong in this case. 


She next meets with Beefy I-Love-to-Hug Doug who kisses her ass and tells her what she wants to hear.  I don't trust him for some reason.  At this point I can't really put my finger on why, but something isn’t right.  He brings tears to Emily’s eyes with his my mom left my epileptic dad and we had to go to foster care story.  For a second, I thought he was recapping the Broadway play Annie.  I half expected him to burst into the opening verse of “It’s a Hard Knock Life” while Tony, Allesandro, and Jef danced with brooms in the background.  Harrison would have made a hell of a Daddy Warbucks.     


Tony appears wearing a ridiculous sweater that Kalon loaned him.  I wondered if it was a luxury brand sweater.  It appeared fancy enough to be a luxury brand sweater but only a luxury brand consultant would likely be able to know for sure.    


Back at the Mansion Kalon, Arie, Nate, and Chris talk about nothing before Arie gets the   "Love is a wild ride" Date Card.  Kalon sweats in his luxury brand glasses.


Tony melts down like Pavelka on a balcony and Emily sends him packing.  I think we’d all agree that little chain of events was what we call a Win-Win.  Tony was clearly never in the running and he knew it.  Emily knew it too and had the decency to see the open door and allow him to walk through it.  Tony seemed nice enough, albeit a tad whiny.  I hope his kid was as excited to see him as he was to get home.  Ironically, I think Tony learned more about his priorities than if he’d stuck around “looking for love” or whatever.   Sean gets the date rose and, let’s face it, he earned it.  Ryan’s blood pressure begins to rise despite his attempt to display confidence in the presence of a threat.  That’s classic Alpha Male behavior, Ryan.  Emily is likely smart enough to see that. 


Let me just preface the Arie date by saying that I love the fact that Emily is choosing places that hold deep childhood memories as locations for her dates.  We’ve seen a small piece of this in the past but usually have to wait until home towns to do it.  However, I’ve said before that I’m a big believer that a person cannot truly know another person until he’s been to where she grew up as a child.  This is particularly true in the case of a small town girl.  Unlike Joe, Arie turned out to be perfect for this type of date.


We head to Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.  For those of you who have never been, Dollywood is exactly what you’d imagine.  It’s a cross between Branson, Missouri and a Shreveport, Louisiana Casino.  It’s like the Dukes of Hazard meets Dynasty.  Like Emily, I happen to be a huge Dolly Parton fan.  I realize that most of you reading this associate her with her giant boobs, giant wigs, and know she’s the woman who wrote that “Bodyguard song that Whitney Houston sings,” but there’s a lot more to the story. 


Dolly Parton has written over 3,000 songs, plays 15 instruments, and gives a ton of money and time to charity without stepping in front of a television camera every time she does it.  She was given her start by a guy named Porter Wagner and she never forgot it.  After years of struggling and finally making it big, Dolly purchased Porter Wagner’s entire song catalog from the record company that owned it and gave it to him on his birthday just a few years before he died.  She’s a walking stereotype, but she happens to be a decent person.  I think we’d all agree that many people in her shoes (or boots) don’t remain that way.  Back to Emily.     


Dolly shows up and Emily is floored.  Say what you want about that, but that's like me meeting Elvis or any of you meeting your childhood hero.  I once got a close friend of mine back stage at a Rockabilly festival to meet Jerry Lee Lewis, his childhood hero.  I literally watched a grown man turn back into boy when he met him.  That was a pretty cool moment and I’ll never forget it.  Not many of us get that opportunity and it was nice to see Emily appreciate it.  Arie did a great job of simply standing back and letting her enjoy her moment.    


A dinner Arie scores a ton more points with the I lived with a woman and loved her kids story.  He’ll make the Fantasy Suite unless the wheels come off the Formula One car.  He might not even need a pit stop.  I’ve said before that the key to understanding another person is not doing big things but constantly being aware of the small things they say in subconscious moments and then acting on them. 


Emily uttered, "I feel like I don't have a lot of talents but I am a good mom.”  Notwithstanding the fact that I think Emily has many “talents,” that statement says a lot about her and it explains volumes about who she is as a person.  I think we’ll all get a big dose of Emily as a protective mother as the season progresses.  She’s insecure but sees redemption of all of her faults in her role as a mother raising her daughter.  She defines herself through her child.  Any guy who doesn’t latch on to that and respect it is going to be sent packing.  Indeed, any guy who ignores it will likely get hit by flames coming from her mouth.   


Arie earns the rose and Emily heads home to powder her nose for the cocktail party.  Kalon also powders his nose and lets us know that he’s borrowed the Canadian teacher's lesbian glasses.  He’s such a self-important, pretentious prick, isn’t he?  Ryan throws a gray jacket and slacks over his (surprise) black v-neck and the guys head to the cocktail party. 


Kalon and his lack of socks get some time with Emily.  “I never had to share much in my life,” he tells Emily.  Translation:  I’m a spoiled asshole.  He then makes a classic Patrick Bateman from American Psycho mistake telling Emily, "I love it when you talk but I'd wish you'd let me finish."  The difference is that Emily is not a paid prostitute in Patrick Bateman’s penthouse.  She drops, "I do like tall, skinny, and funny, but I don't like tall, skinny, and condescending."  Amen.  Frankly, I couldn't have said it much better.  I've made no secret about the fact that I hate this guy.  That's a pretty strong word considering what I do here each week, but I believe this is one of the few times where it actually fits.  My biggest disappointment is that Kalon and Stevie won’t get to have a Blaine vs. Ducky type conflict now that Stevie popped and locked himself off the show.  Sigh….

 
Travis and his stupid egg are up next.  That stunt fell flatter than Jeff’s mask a couple of seasons ago.  At least he didn’t swim with it.  I know this is episode 3 but this whole bit was old 4 weeks ago.  They FINALLY get rid of the egg.  I’m inclined to believe that as Shelly the Egg went, so will Travis. 


Emily has a compulsory one on one with Allesandro who looks like he's spent entirely too much time at the pool and not enough time in hair and makeup.  Look, I know English is his second language but the word "compromise" was not a wise choice when he's discussing the person who has been billed as the Alpha and Omega of Emily's life with the person who did the billing.  He talks himself out of step-fatherhood.  Muy malo, Allesandro.  Adios, Pendejo. 


Emily seeks comfort and sips a whiskey sour with Arie.  Could he have been any more brilliant in that moment?  Comforting, kissing, empathizing, listening.  Very nice work, Arie.  I believe you just earned a legitimate shot at the pole position.  Sean gets a kiss to prove that he’s still in the running, but I think Arie ruled the day.    


Harrison shows up in a purple oxford with the ubiquitous champagne glass and butter knife.  Ryan completes his transformation from nice, first-date, Georgia guy who works with kids to big, meaty, alpha male, jealous guy with underlying anger issues.  His ridiculous facial hair looked like that guy who ran the Hunger Games then had to eat the poison berries and kill himself after Catniss and the baker’s son outsmarted whoever they outsmarted.  He refers to Arie as "a dainty man."  Whatever lets you sleep at night, no neck.  Arie’s fitted Formula One jumpsuit looks a lot better on him than your old football jersey does on you these days.  The guy went from guaranteed crotch to bona fide chach inside of one episode.  I haven’t seen a meltdown like that in a long time. 


Roses are handed out and it goes down as follows:    


Rose Ceremony.



1.         Arie

2.         Sean

3.         Jef

4.         Charlie

5.         Doug (no hug)

6.         Michael (huh?)

7.         Travis

8.         Alejandro

9.         Ryan

10.       Wolf

11.       Kalon (weak)

12.       Nate


Gone.


1.         Tony

2.         Stevie

3.         Allesandro


Well, there you have it.  With the Amazing count at a steady 17 and the Journey count at a stagnant 6, we head into week four.  Take care of yourselves and thanks for reading and commenting.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be angrily ironing my black v-neck t-shirts after washing them in hot water.  DP

42 comments:

  1. You always get me with your anatomy references (swinging dongs)! I love how you called Allesandro a pendejo and the word 'chach' just never gets old. I'm surprised you didn't say anything about the denim shorts, but I suspect the white ones are still your favorite.

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  2. What, no Kalon/stick shift riff? I thought of you as soon as he said that, Some Guy!

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  3. There might be a post dedicated to the white shorts. Let's hope they make an appearance. DP

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  4. Great recap, DP. I agree that there's something a little off about Doug. I wonder what it is and if we'll ever find out. Ryan needs to lay off the bronzer/self-tanner. And what idiot tells a woman she'd better not get fat once they get married? Every man may think it, but no man should actually say it, let alone in front of her friends. Emily has never been my favorite, but I have to admire her for knowing what she wants and not being afraid to let these guys know it, too.

    Looks like you'll get to see Emily in a bikini again next week, DP. :)

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  5. THANK YOU!

    I thought that whole "let's grill the guys" scene was emasculating and insulting and just plain disgusting. I'm relieved to know that I'm not the only person in America who DIDN'T think Wendy was a hoot! I thought she was a man-hating bitch and that whole scenario pissed me off so bad I had to watch it with the sound off.

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  6. DP - you sound so pissed. It's just a show honey. Just a show. I love your blog (the only reason to watch the show), but something is going on and you are just plain mad. Buck up buttercup!

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  7. Anon, I'm not pissed. Perhaps a bit edgy this season but not pissed. I'll turn my frown upside down in no time. Thanks for the encouragement. DP

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  8. DP..love the American Psycho reference again. It's so obvious, that it's almost scary! Great re-cap..thanks for taking the time!

    Dianne

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  9. Fav = Fifty Shades of Grey-esque line was inadvertently uttered by Chris when he noted that Emily “looks unbelievable in a harness.”

    Also, I liked the Little orphan Annie comments. I would call Harrison "Daddy"! ;p

    Sorry, I have to say that I am Team Wendy (assuming that the majority was staged/scripted).

    TLew ~ Nashville

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  10. Great recap, as always. This season is actually far more interesting than things have been in a long while.

    Harrison's blog on Entertainment Weekly alludes to some issues arising due to Arie and Emily's little makeout sesh. I think you're right in that he's got the front runner position, it was like he was the boyfriend and the rest of the guys were a bunch of dudes waiting for a glimpse of the one hot girl at a frat party.

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  11. I almost choked on my chips at this line: "I half expected him to burst into the opening verse of “It’s a Hard Knock Life” while Tony, Allesandro, and Jef danced with brooms in the background. Harrison would have made a hell of a Daddy Warbucks." Partially because you're just a fantastic writer, and partially because of the picture I got in my head to accompany the words. Note to self: Do not eat when reading DP's recap.

    I like Sean a lot. He seems to be one of the most sincere guys there. I hope I don't regret saying that later, but it's true. Right now, I hope he wins. I don't buy Arie's act at all. He seems so fake to me, like he's just willing to say whatever Emily wants to hear, and whether or not he actually means it isn't relevant. So yeah, after 3 episodes, I'm Team Sean. Let's see how that changes by Episode 10.

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  12. You skipped right over my favorite part of the show on the carousel with Arie. That was hot! I would have loved to be in Emily's shoes for that ride. Arie better not turn out to be some d-bag Brad.
    I think you're wrong about Sean. If his faith is as strong as he's suggesting he's not just looking to hook up like a lot of guys his age. That would explain the lack of relationships over the past year.
    I thought Ryan was good looking the first night. Now I just think he's a meathead. Doug seems like a great guy on paper but something about him doesn't sit right with me either.
    I really don't think you can compare Wendy's behavior with men treating girls the same way. I thought she was tacky and annoying but how many men are raped? How many male prostitutes for women versus women for men? If a guy sleeps with 20 women what do you think compared to a woman sleeping with 20 men? Sexual harassment is wrong either way I think against women it's more insidious.

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  13. Well, some Hussy from Macedon (the Greek part, channeling Alex the Great) has returned, anonymous as usual, and the immediate other two Anonymi stole my thunder. Anon #1 is spot-on except I didn't sense you being pissed off. Anon #2's comments on Orphan Annie said it all, as well. But most of all I loved your tribute to my idol Dolly Parton so much that I blocked and copied it to a word blank page just to read it over and over, as well as Emily's sincere shock and awe at seeing her idol. I notice how you give credit where it is due, even to some of the guys. Maybe you have at least respect (if not more) for Emily, who thankfully has turned out to be strong, maternal (esp. toward poor Tony), spunky, funny, and beautiful within as well as without. I know Tony was out of the running but Emily was so sweet, patting his shoulder and being genuinely sincere, as well. But Doug was not one of the "herd" in actually being almost brotherly, encouraging Tony to stick around, telling him he'll do OK) unlike Ryan who would have said (when Tony said he missed his son so much he'd like to go home):"Yeah, yeah, Tony! You should go home! Yeah, Tony, go home!"

    I confess not having watched Monday night, did not get my DVR installed until today, darn it. But luckily I could watch this show on line this morning and it is fresh in my mind.

    Oh, and Arie is my favorite. In Hebrew, Ari means Lion (OK, I got that from Leon Uris' book Exodus). Annyhooo, I also liked Sean but he seemed too Mr. Perfect Faith BAsed Guy (these guys are usually holier-than thou). "In no way am I gonna take off my shirt," (Sure!)and he ends up doing it and obeying the blond man-hater's push-up command, she ultimately riding his back (as close as she could get to cheating on her husband!) With friends like her, Emily doesn't need enemies.

    Now for Arie (did I mention Arie? Oh yeah..) And he's not "dainty," Ryan and the Hulk metamorphosis (see, I do speak Greek!) commented, glowering at him and Em kissing. Ryan and his 5:00 shadow, grinding his teeth, attitude, irritate me. He and Kalon (who now wants to seem like an intellectual but turns out to be not one A-tall.

    One more thing: Unlike a lot of watchers, my favorite Bachelorette is Emily. If Arie doesn't get her that means she will be available for you, DP (I may be 74 but I am not blind, deaf, sick, or even dead, so I know a good man when I see one). Also I loved your description of Harrison in "purple oxfords and the ubiquitous champagne glass and butter knife!" Really, DP, I can't get enough. Thank you for being the one I run to for the real truth (which is always very amusing). I'd like to adopt you and then give you an Oedipus complex. Macedonian Hussy

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  14. The line that cracked me up to the point I was laughing out loud and my dog was wondering what was wrong with me was the one about Jake and balconies: "If only one of Jake’s balconies would have been built by the same subcontractor that built Charlie’s friend’s balcony I wouldn’t have had to endure seeing that A-hole intermittently prance around my television screen for the past two years pretending to be a pilot." Solid.

    I am enjoying the season and like Emily better than I did on Brad's show. She seems more down to the earth and self assured. Love the way she cuts to the chase and gets rid of surplus guys like Tony and Alessandro. I hope Kalon and Ryan go next week. Can't stand Ryan's hyper testosterone peronality. Kalon is a tool.

    Not crazy about Wendy either, but I didn't think she was as bad as you perceived her. Although Lincee loved her. Different strokes for different folks...

    Great recap as always.

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  15. When did we get to see Kalon's green panties? I missed that. DP

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  16. Well done! You are spot-on with the Hulk comparison. As far as Wendy is concerned, I do see your point. I can also see the entertainment value that ABC decided to exploit. Personally, I was thoroughly embarrassed to watch her, especially with Sean. I agree that these women went too far. I could have done without that part of the show. However, during Brad’s second go round, the girls were asked if they had ever cheated or had one - night stands when they were interviewed on the radio.

    I can’t claim to be a huge Dolly fan but I do like her and have always admired her. She’s a wonderful person and example for women. My favorite song of hers is Jolene.

    My favorite lines this week would have to be: Ryan opts for the black t-shirt like Linus from Peanuts opts for his blanket and For a second, I thought he was recapping the Broadway play Annie. I half expected him to burst into the opening verse of “It’s a Hard Knock Life” while Tony, Allesandro, and Jef danced with brooms in the background. Harrison would have made a hell of a Daddy Warbucks.

    Wonderfully witty as always!

    Denise in Alabama

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  17. This particular recap made me laugh even harder than usual. So many good lines!!! My faves include…

    "Stage fright Charlie ignores his well-documented fears of reading aloud and being in front of an audience and reads aloud in front of an audience."

    "If only one of Jake’s balconies would have been built by the same subcontractor that built Charlie’s friend’s balcony I wouldn’t have had to endure seeing that A-hole intermittently prance around my television screen for the past two years pretending to be a pilot."

    "For a second, I thought he was recapping the Broadway play Annie. I half expected him to burst into the opening verse of “It’s a Hard Knock Life” while Tony, Allesandro, and Jef danced with brooms in the background. Harrison would have made a hell of a Daddy Warbucks."

    And I loved every comment about Kalon - his luxury brand sweater and sunglasses, his lack of socks, and then borrowing the Canadian teacher's lesbian glasses for the Rose Ceremony. He certainly is a self-important, pretentious prick as you put it. I think his chopper will crash next week in a do or die 1-on-1 or 2-on-1 date. We'll see.

    Regarding Sean, I don't fully agree with your assessment. All guys (and gals) - including the "faith and family" types - will have issues/struggles/problems that they deal with. Some may even be willing to take off their shirt and do push ups for positive attention (and I did drool slighty during this segment)! But when Sean was talking to Emily at the Rose Ceremony, I don't think he was trying to portray that his life was rosey with no thorns. Rather, he seemed sincere in trying to paint a brief picture for Emily of his family background (since she'll likely meet his family in a future episode) and what he hopes for in his future relationships/marriage. Whether his expectations are realistic or not doesn't matter to me. Most women would rather a man set high expectations for the relationship and aim for that, than have lower expectations and likely put forth little effort to reach them. He certainly earned his kiss!

    Regarding Arie, his date (including the brilliant move to choose the bench on the carousel) and the Rose Ceremony hallway kissing session were so perfectly accomplished that I don't know if any guy on this show will ever live up to it. Trust me when I say that many women across the country re-watched the kissing scenes over and over. I don't know when I've fawned over a contestant as much as I have with Arie. I'm sure some "flaws" will come out eventually (many rumors/spoilers are circluating the world wide web), but he is the front runner by a thousand miles at this point. And I don't see the others catching up.

    Thanks again for your brilliant recap! You make my day!

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  18. .1 My favorite line was "Whatever lets you sleep at night, no neck."
    .2 I can't believe I saw Em's green undies.
    .3 I do NOT like Arie.

    I hope she doesn't pick anyone and somehow meets you, DP!

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  19. As a big Dolly Parton fan (named my first dog after her in fact - at the age of 9, I thought she would be flattered by that), I was expecting some "Here you come again" reference. Maybe they'll use that as background music when they get to the fantasy suite.

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  20. I love your take on Wendy in your blog. Other bloggers seem to think Wendy is a hoot with her jokes but i found hers to be distasteful and belittling to the guys.

    I ve been thinking the reason we love Emily as the Bachelorette because she acts like she is the powerful one who is really pulling the puppets. America wants to see a femme fatale in the role. They want a Bachelorette who brings men on down their knees, makes men act foolish and crazy about her and do stupid things for her. Wendy 's actions surely are downright mean but hilarious to lots of viewers. So I think seeing a beautiful femme fatale like Emily be assertive and sometimes borderline belittling the guys is refreshing i guess. Unlike the past leads (Deanna, Jillian, Ali and Ashley), whose numbers on a scale from 1 to 10 of insecurity just get bigger and bigger until they became embarrassing to watch for female viewers.

    And in order to have that femme fatale effect, a whole bunch of duds were cast for Emily because only these fools were willing to act stupid to give some drama to the show (Kalon, Alessandro) so Emily has a chance to tell them to eff off when they call her daughter a compromise or baggage. So for TV drama's sake, Emily has slim pickings.

    This game is Arie's right now. But I heard some good dirt on him already. Please Emily, make us proud and pull a Brad Womack 1.0 and don't let producers pressure you into picking someone if you don't feel it with any of these remaining duds.

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  21. DP, I can't believe I'm the only one thus far that thinks your "Blaine vs. Ducky" line was the BEST!!!! HILARIOUS!!! I am in awe of your ability to pull these random references...how do you do it, week after week? I'm still pulling for One-F Jef but I have to admit that Arie was pretty damn impressive this week and will be hard to beat. Looking forward to next week when she has a one-on-one with Jef.

    Rose in the OC

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  22. A post worth waiting for! Thanks for your accolades for Dolly Parton. Her work with early childhood literacy is exemplary (check out her Imagination Library project @ http://www.imaginationlibrary.com/). Love your literary references as always!

    Chrissy the school librarian

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  23. Tammy, I think Emily is more confident because she's more attractive than prior Bachelorettes and therefore more accustomed to dealing with a lot of male attention. But she also has a home field advantage the others lacked.

    Being surrounded by supportive family and friends has to help her cope. It will be interesting to see if she struggles when there is a change of venue, especially if the group is on the road for any length of time.

    DP, I liked your analysis about the benefits of selecting a mature 25 year-old over a 40-year-old with issues (excepting yourself was the best part)!

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  24. The Rick Astley references are hiLARE!!!!

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  25. dp2, i think that 's right. And one advantage Emily has over other leads was ABC announced her to be the bachelorette early on and they cast the guys specifically for her. She was probably scared of what ABC did to Ashley with Bentley. As beautiful as she is she is just as insecure and scared as any woman (that's what her veneers, boob job and what else told me but i don't hold that against her.) And also, ABC has been throwing their female leads under the bus by showing the world their worst flaws but with Emily I do think they give her very special treatment, in terms of filming locations, dates, accommodating her daughter, and also in how she is portrayed. All is part of the deal of getting her to be the Bachelorette. More power to her.

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  26. I agree with liana on the balcony assessment. solid.

    also, good job on keeping things relevant with the 50 shades of grey reference! you know your audience for sure!

    My final comment is on my hometown hero ---Sean from Dallas. Well, I recently discovered that not only are Sean and I from the same general area of TX, but he is from my same lineage... Sean and I both attend the same high school, and while he is a younger tiger than me, we are both still IHS tigers!!! I don't know any dirt on him, but I do know that if I had known this information before, I might have made myself available to proudly sing the school fight song on the hometown date...or at least invite Sean and Emily over to the house for one of my famous backyard soirees. Oh well.

    Have a great short week!!!

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  27. oh wow!!! this was freakin' hilarious!

    ryan - thought he was cute on night one, but he is slowly coming undone and will eventually come to blows with someone. it's in his "hulkian nature"!

    loved the line about the boom mike guy!! poor thing.

    chris - he seems nice, but kind of boring and a bit insecure. not a fan.

    jef - seems like a real nice, down-to-earth guy, but let's face it - he's so not manly enough for emily!! he looks like a little boy.

    hated the whole guy bashing scene with wendy. what the F was she doing sitting on sean while demanding he do push-ups? seriously?!

    doug - i am so glad you said that about doug because i feel the same way! there is something not right with him. and your line about him busting out with "it's a hard knock life" had me ROFL!!! i thought he was going to say "just kidding" at some point. it all seemed so unreal.

    arie - they had a great date and seem good together. i don't think he's super hot, but he's a nice guy. hmmmm. but you forgot about the BEST part of their date - when emily fakes like she's not going to give him the rose! it was mean, but it showed a side to emily we haven't seen. she's breaking the rules and doing things her own way. i was not a fan of hers on the bachelor, but i am liking her more and more on this show. that showed her playful, devilish side!

    good for her for sending tony home. and alessandro - gross!

    thanks for making me laugh tonight :-)

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  28. Great recap, DP! Me and the boys are doing a little flip flop. We really liked Ryan in the first two episodes, but we agree with you now. What a jerk!! What's up with him calling Arie "a dainty man" and his aggressive behavior? Ryan is only about 5'6". I could probably beat him up. I wanted to jump through the TV screen and scratch his little eyes out. We think that he is sooooo cheezy now. That hair of his makes him look like Joan Jett after two cycles of growth hormone shots. I was ready for him to serenade Emily any minute with "I hate myself for loving you" or "Do you want to touch me".

    ~Daylight spent the night without you
    But I've been dreamin' 'bout the lovin' you do
    I won't be as angry 'bout the hell you put me through
    Hey man betcha you can treat me right
    You just don't know what you was missin' last night
    I wanna see you beggin', say forget it just for spite
    I hate myself for loving you~

    or

    ~We've been here too long
    Tryin' to get along
    Pretendin' that you're oh so shy
    I'm a natural ma'am
    Doin' all I can
    My temperature is runnin' high
    Do you want to touch me(yeah)~

    LOL....thanks for changing our minds, DP!!!!
    You rule, boyfriend!!!!

    Anyway, Kalon still looks like an axe murderer. But, OMG...he sure has a nice pair of lips. Has anyone noticed? He can put his luxury brand on me anytime as long as he promises not to speak to me afterwards and vacates the premise before sunrise.

    In short....We still love Jef. The South American men need to step up and represent and Michael is still in denial. Other than that our beloved Some Guy did a wonderful job in his recap. We love you, DP....keep up the good work!!!

    Love and laughs,
    Derek and the boys from South Beach

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  29. Great feedback this week. Everyone seems passionate about this season. That's a nice change from the ho hum of Ben's season. Remember that guy? Me neither.

    DP

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  30. Wendy in ColoradoMay 31, 2012 at 11:37 AM

    The Annie reference just killed me and I've had "It's a hard knock life" stuck in my head ever since your post went up. Ahhhh Daddy Harrison...

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  31. Like everyone else, I'm disappointed in Ryan - guess we're seeing the real Ryan now. I'm kind of leaning towards Sean now....just don't think she needs another racecar driver in her life. And you would think that he would be concerned about comparisons etc. All the 'leaks' seem to point to him tho'. One more thing, I thought at the start that she was going to end up with Chris Harrison since he's getting a divorce; it still wouldn't surprise me! Sorry DP, you missed your chance!

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  32. bite your tongue, anon. it ain't over until it's over. DP

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  33. Well, I was going to say that the Annie part was my favorite of this week's post...UNTIL...I read the comments. And now we have a winner:

    Really, DP, I can't get enough. Thank you for being the one I run to for the real truth (which is always very amusing). I'd like to adopt you and then give you an Oedipus complex.

    I have always thought that Emily looks like Dolly Parton in her younger years, so it was interesting to see them together.

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  34. Hahaha, you had me at Monchichi....

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  35. Thanks for the commentary DP. Ryan was already rubbing me the wrong way but when guys pick on other guys bc they aren't meatheads like themselves or arent sports fans who bench 200 pounds, it's a super turn off. Nicer is always more attractive. Live and let live! Interesting comment about showing someone about where you spent childhood. not sure what I'd show someone in boring Kingwood, TX!

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  36. @anon - Please....Kingwood a boring place to grow up??? Yeah, I hated having great places to fish, top notch sporting and recreation facilities, great looking girls, bike trails, parties, etc, etc, etc. Interesting you would find it boring. Where did you grow up by the way?

    -MH

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  37. you'll have to move to Charlotte!

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  38. I thought Ben was a rat - literally - oh wait that was Michael Jackson's Ben. Hmmmm MJs Ben actually was more lovable!

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  39. MH Kingwood also, actually. It's a nice place to raise a family no doubt but I would have loved to live somewhere more city-like, less burbs, myself.... But no major complaints! I just visited the parents there this last weekend. It seems like it's lost a little of it's luster compared to The Woodlands these days... Just my $.02....

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  40. I definitely picked up on Emily's comment about not having many talents. I also noticed how she had no response when asked about her hobbies saying that she is too busy with Ricky's activities for hobbies. I understand she is a single mother but Ricky is school aged and Emily doesn't appear to work. What does she do with her time...how has she not had time to cultivate any interests? She certainly seems nice enough and is obviously beautiful but what makes her compelling beyond that?

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  41. "Laurap" (Laura P."" you warm the cockles of my Macedonian Hussy's heart. Thanks for the first prize. It's just that DP is better lookin' than the lot of them. I also liked his cowboy picture. How you do it, DP, I don't know, but really send us into gales of laughter. You said it ain't over 'til it's over. I agree with Laura's comment about Emily looks like a young Dolly but with (at least) her own hair.

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  42. My favorite line from the show was definitley Wendy's about Sean and how she described him as "God's genetic gift to the world" She needs to work on her priorities but it was pretty funny!!

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