Thursday, May 10, 2012

Emily Post 1: It's Raining Cheese


Well hello, Readers.  Welcome back to the first post in what will undoubtedly be classified as the “Most (insert extreme adjective) Season Ever” of the Bachelorette.  As is my custom, it’s time to run down the 25 layabouts with either enough clout or nothing better to do for six weeks than to leave their respective lives in search of a shot at instant parenthood and temporary notoriety. 
I realize that this off season was a lot like Emily’s white shorts:  It contained very little material but it was extremely satisfying.  I’d like to issue a big apology; however, the truth is that I didn’t really neglect my voluntarily assumed blogging responsibilities.  I’ve been busy at work and managing my personal life’s myriad places to go and people to see.  Frankly, I haven’t had time to think, much less write.  Regardless, I’m always grateful to see comments in the comment section when I hit the “publish” button on the screen.  Thanks for sticking around.  Now, let’s get to it. 
Aaron, 36, Biology Teacher from Nova Scotia.  Normal guy with a normal job.  HOWEVER, he’s from Canada which means he’s going to talk a-boot being oot of his element in sunny California.  Aside from the student counsel sweater and tie and the blatant bed head I can’t really find anything a-boot his head shot to warrant any massive criticism; especially in light of some of these other schmucks.  If he makes it to the Fantasy Suite his knowledge of anatomy is sure to come in handy. 

 
Alejandro, 24, Mushroom Farmer from Columbia.   Let’s set aside the gray limo driver shirt and the diamond earrings for just a second and focus on the more obvious issues at hand.  It’s doubtful that sweet, Southern Emily and her over-indulged daughter are going to pack up and move to South America to farm mushrooms with a diminutive guy who wears diamond stud earrings.  I’m fairly certain that he has a cool accent but that won’t be enough to sway Emily’s affections in his direction.  I’ll be watching to see if he sprinkles any of those magic mushrooms on her pasta in hopes of making her hallucinate until he’s cute . . . and tall.  Buena suerte, Alejandro.  You’ll need it.  

Alessandro, 30, Grain Merchant from Uberlandia, Brazil.  What the hell is a grain merchant?  Uberlandia?  That makes sense because his haircut is Uber-stupid.  The guy looks like the product of a one night stand between Justin Bieber and Mark Wahlberg.   He “spends too much money on outdoor gear” and loves “electronic music.”  Those should mesh nicely should he take Emily camping at a rave party.  Oh, and that’s a chick’s name too. 

Arie, 30, Race Car Driver from the Netherlands.  Alright, that’s just mean.  Setting Emily up with a Dutch guy is really mean.  Top that off with the fact that he shares the same occupation as the love of her life who was tragically killed and I think we can figure out why he’s here.  Props to him for figuring out how to drive an F1 car with wooden shoes on his feet.  I love his windmill-blown hair as well.  All of that considered, he’s a good looking guy and if he has any personality he’s likely to stick around for bit.  He’ll likely have a shot at Emily’s Nether-regions. 

Brent, 41, Technology Salesman from Midland, TX.  Everyone in Midland, Texas looks like this guy.  His motto is apparently “Never Give Up.”  He obviously gave up on shaving about half way through his last shave, however.  He’s probably a nice enough guy.  I’ll reserve judgment and we’ll regroup after the cocktail party.  41?  If this doesn’t work out I’m sure Harrison can forward him Gwen’s phone number.  It’s good to have options. 

Charlie, 32, Recruiter from Massachusetts.  His idea of perfect happiness?   ”Every dog fed and every child with a roof over his head.”  Puh-leeez.  That line will get an “awwww” out of Emily in addition to making me regret taking a sip of Lone Star before hearing it.  Chaaalie from Worstah, Mass is a wicked recrewtah.  He’s a decent looking guy, but Bah-stahn doesn’t play well in Charlotte, NC.  He’d bettah bring his “A” game. 

Chris, 25, Corporate Sales Director from Illinois.  Congratulations on taking the goofiest looking head shot, Chucklehead.  In response to “Who are your top 3 favorite groups/artists & why?” He actually had the balls to answer, “Rascal Flatts – Their music seriously gives me goose bumps, Zac Brown Band – Awesome chilling music, and Johnny Cash – Rebellious.”  You know what gives me the goose bumps?  Your head shot.  Enjoy the flight back to Illinois. 

David, 33, Singer/Songwriter from Charlottesville, VA.  He’s a Southern guy who plays guitar.  Trust me.  He’ll stick around provided he’s not as slimy as Wes Hayden.  I have to deduct points for his assertion that he was “ineffably” inspired by Nirvana, Pink Floyd, and Soundgarden.  David, stay away from the fancy words and stick to singing and strumming and you’ll avoid being ineffably embarrassed. 

Doug, 33, Charity Director/Real Estate Agent from Seattle, WA.  He wears a five o’clock shadow in order to deflect attention from the fact that he has two chick jobs.  Oh, he loves long hugs too.  That’s good, because “Doug” happens to rhyme with “hug.”  Let’s hope for his sake that Emily is the one feeling charitable. 

Jackson, 29, Fitness Model from Chicago.   Fitness model?  Didn’t we get enough of that last season on The Bachelor?  I’m really sorry college didn’t work out for you, Jackson.  I’m sure you look forward to seeing yourself at the mansion pool. 

Jean-Paul, 35, Marine Biologist.  I’ll give the guy credit for the pseudo-romantic French moniker and the ice-breaking job title.  As long as he doesn’t lead with “have you ever seen a sperm whale break the surface?” he should be alright in the first round. 

Jef, 27, Entrepreneur from Utah.  The only thing this guy looks like he’s qualified to sell is hair gel.  I didn’t know whether to comb his hair or surf on it.  He’s also missing an “f” in his name.  Who am I to judge, though?  It worked for Lindzi last season.  I’m “inefably” not rooting for Jef.      

Joe, 27, Field Energy Advisor from Orlando, FL.  Another interesting head of hair.  His upper lip disappeared along with the second “f” in Jef.  I love the turquoise, deep v-neck tee.  Go heavy or go home, I suppose.  He’s probably nice enough.  We shall see.   

John, 30, Data Destruction Specialist from St. Louis.  He’s got a nice smile but I’m curious if his job description isn’t a fancy way of saying “garbage man.”     

Kalon, 27, Luxury Brand Consultant from Houston, Texas.  This is the guy they pick from my home town?  Come on.  Luxury Brand Consultant?  That likely means he works in some snooty Galleria retail shop named after a French guy and eats curly fries for lunch in the Food Court in his $1,500 “luxury brand” suit every day on his 15 minute break.  I can’t decide if his name is pronounced like the claw of an Eagle or if it shares the same vowel sound used in the word describing a homosexual.  My guess is that this guy is more fond of the latter.  Prove me wrong, Kalon.  Represent. 

Kyle, 29, Financial Advisor from Long Beach.  This guy is obviously very fond of madras.  He also professes an undying love of The Notebook.  Nice touch, Kyle.  I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you threw in the Nicholas Sparks answer for extra points.  No man actually likes that movie.    

Lerone, 29, Real Estate Consultant from Laguna Beach.  Good looking guy who sells (or consults) real estate in an expensive area.  He’s likely a little “Canadian” for Emily’s taste but we’ll see how he does.  Let’s hope Lerone doesn’t end up Alone. 

Michael, 26, Rehab Consultant from Tahoka, TX.  He’s from the Texas Panhandle and claims to want to be Ryan Gosling because he’s “talented and powerful.”  He also “wants choices” in life.  Step 1?  Move away from Tahoka.  Step 2?  Stop admiring Ryan Gosling.  One of his favorite “artists” is Justin Timberlake and his haircut screams Lion Tamer or Magician.  This guy needs some work.  Let’s hope his small town naivety is charming enough to get him past the first round.     

Nate, 25, Accountant from Scottsdale, AZ.  Perhaps it’s the subtle display of chest hair above the top button of his cherry red shirt.  Perhaps it’s the look in his eyes.  It’s difficult to tell, but something tells me Nate was lead to believe that it was Brad and not Brad’s Ex giving love another shot when he chose to sign up for the show.  He’s skinny dipped a few times, too.  Whatever.   

Randy, 30, Marketing Manager from Oak Creek, Wisconsin.  Congratulations on the stupidest head shot outfit.  He looks like a 7 year old with a five o’clock shadow.  He might as well be holding a teddy bear in that shot with some over sized alphabet blocks in the background.  Turquoise plaid shirt and a gray vest.  Apparently, Randy doesn’t market men’s clothing.  That get-up might play well in whatever Midwestern Dillard’s he “market manages” out of, but he’ll be laughed out of Los Angeles.  You’d better show up, Randy.  That vest won’t talk Emily out of a rose. 

Ryan, 31, Pro Sports Trainer from Augusta, GA.  ”Who is your favorite artist and why?
I believe athleticism is the ‘Art’ of movement. Michael Jordan was an incredible Artist.”  You know who’s not an artist?  Whoever did this guy’s hair for the picture.  Granite jaw line aside, this guy loves himself.  If he can temper that with a dose of humility, he’ll move on.  If not, he’ll be doing lunges from LA to GA.  Cheeseball.   

Sean, 28, Insurance Agent from Dallas, Texas.  Severely gelled and overly spiked hair.  That’s so weird that he’s from Dallas.  He looks nice enough, but Emily doesn’t strike me as the type to sit under a State Farm Insurance tent and hand out personalized swag at the County Fair in order to drum up some business for Sean.  His personality will have to win him points.  Let’s face it, “I’m a Marine Biologist” sounds a hell of a lot cooler than “I can get you a steal on full auto coverage.” 

Stevie 26, Party MC from Monroe Township, NJ.  Wrong show, d-bag.  Shave your chin, go to Ryan the Pro Sports Trainer’s hair stylist for a blowout, and head over to MTV to pitch a reality show.  I’m sure your sisters, Maria and Angela, simply filled out the wrong application on your behalf.  There’s no way in hell Emily is going to take whatever he’s offering.  On the up side, he and the Brazilian electronica fan will have a lot to discuss at the cocktail party while Emily is purposely ignoring them. 

Tony, 31, Lumber Trader from Beaverton, OR.  This guy should change his name to something phallic like “Dick” or “Rod” and just complete the trifecta.  “Hi, Emily.  My name is Rod Johnson and I’m a lumber trader from Beaverton, Oregon,” is either going to get him immediately past the first round or slapped backed into the limo.  Hell, I may start using that as my opening line from here on out.  

Travis, 30, Advertising Sales Rep. from Madison, MS.  Stupid Ed Grimley hair but the guy is wearing a pearl snap shirt so I’ll lay off for now.  He’s got a little Vienna of the eyes going and characterizes himself as “a little Metro.”  I’ll reserve judgment; however, based upon the fact that Emily dug Womack, she might be into “a little Metro.”  I just hope he can look her in the eye.  If this doesn’t work out, he can always go work at Hooters in Orlando or date Jake Pavelka. 

Well, there it is.  We’re off and running.  Emily’s first official episode is on May 14th.  In light of my schedule lately I’ll plan on posting something on Tuesday morning in order to let you know when I plan to post.  Never fear.  I’ll make the adjustment.  Welcome back.  I look ineffably forward to a great season and, of course, Emily’s white shorts.  Until May 14, take care of yourselves.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be working on my head shot.  DP 

26 comments:

  1. i tried (mostly unsuccessfully) to stifle my laughter all the way through this so my coworkers wouldn't know i wasn't working. awesome and hilarious, and obviously right on.

    couldn't they get better looking dudes?? emily is probably the hottest chick ever to be on this show and THIS is what they give her?!? tragic.

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  2. Funny stuff, DP. Off season has always been my favorite, but I think this season with Emily should be good and I look forward to seeing how you handle Emily in the arms of multiple men.

    Loved the shots taken at the talent this season. My favorites were:

    "The guy looks like the product of a one night stand between Justin Bieber and Mark Wahlberg. "

    "This guy should change his name to something phallic like “Dick” or “Rod” and just complete the trifecta."

    -MH

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  3. I’m glad your back! You always make me giggle and then I have to come up with a reason why I’m laughing since sales charts/reports tend not to be funny.

    My picks are Charlie and Randy. I agree that Randy needs help with his clothes but he looks like he would be a fun guy. I loved your wooden shoes and lumber trader comments the most. You are awesome! Thank you for coming back despite being so busy.

    Denise in Alabama

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  4. Since we don't have Dillard's in WI it will have to be something worse. Like a Sears or JC Penney's. Those are pretty sad around WI.

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  5. Katie from WisconsinMay 10, 2012 at 4:32 PM

    This was hilarious! You put to words what my mind was thinking as I laughed at the head shots of these guys. So many good lines!!! My favorites...

    "The guy looks like the product of a one night stand between Justin Bieber and Mark Wahlberg."

    "Step 1? Move away from Tahoka. Step 2? Stop admiring Ryan Gosling."

    "You know who’s not an artist? Whoever did this guy’s hair for the picture."

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  6. Ahh, the Midwest weighs in early. Nice work. It's good to be back. DP

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  7. My guess is that "Data Destruction Specialist" is just a fancy way of saying "document shredder." Or maybe he's the guy who wipes hard drives clean before used computers get resold. Reading the fancy job titles for ordinary occupations is my favotite part of those profiles.

    Loved your take on the candidates, DP. It'll be interesting to see who captures Emily's attention -- so few seem really promising.

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  8. Wendy in ColoradoMay 10, 2012 at 5:07 PM

    I used to be excited for the show to start. Now I'm excited for you and Lincee to blog. The Tuesday morning wait can be excruciating!

    Loved your recap of the guys, LOST it when I read, "I didn’t know whether to comb his hair or surf on it."

    I agree with Daria. We truly expected better eye candy with Emily and her shorts as the lead.

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  9. Really ABC, this is the best you have to offer?!

    I have to agree with Daria. I can usually pick at least one that is somewhat good looking, but not this time around. However, I do need to point out that I read your summation then looked at their head shot. Prejudiced by the time I got to the head shot, possibly, but probably not.

    Paula in Sacramento

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  10. I took a look at the guys before reading your blog. I kept thinking, is this the best they can come up with for Emily? I mean, where do they find these guys?

    You have way too many funny lines, I kept laughing all the way through. For some reason this one is my favorite: "Props to him for figuring out how to drive an F1 car with wooden shoes on his feet. I love his windmill-blown hair as well."

    Even though is kind of cruel to put a race car driver in the mix, my money is on him.

    Welcome back, can't wait until next week!

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  11. I was praying we would see this recap! No early bet on a winner? It's my favorite thing to follow your early pick and see how they do. Nice work. Lots of laughs, great for a Thursday afternoon!

    Side note: I live about 45 minutes from Beaverton Oregon... my maiden name is Bush. Tell me if that's fair? lol.

    -Tiffany

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  12. DP, I am so glad you are back. I was howling at the driving a formula 1 car with wooden clogs. Awesome.
    Where are Derek and The Boys? I noticed they were out on Ben's season, not enough eye candy for them, I'm sure. But I sure hope they will weigh in on this cast of losers. I agree with all above. ABC has exhausted absolutely ALL single men in the US and this was all they could find? Come on.

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  13. Let the good times roll! Can't believe it's that time again. Looking forward to whatever ABC throws at us, there is no way any of it is actually reality.

    Seems to me, for the most part, the guys are pretty much unambitious losers. Come on they are all at least in their late 20's or better & how many real professions were there?? Where where the doctors, lawyers, teachers etc... Seems like ABC rounded up nothing but man-boys to assume the role of husband & father.

    Should be fun to watch the train wreck unfold & as always even better to read your posts
    Thanks for providing the laughs! Kerry:)

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  14. Nice round-up, DP. Thankfully, the contestants are always better looking than their headshots; after all, we need some eye candy to get us through this silly show. Based solely on his photo, I pick Sean from Dallas to go far.

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  15. Windmill-blow hair :)

    Glad your back! And of course, you know I'll have to root for the hometown favorite...Sean! Even though I haven't really seen that much plaid at the Ghost Bar

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  16. Dear Tiffany Bush from Beaverton, Do you have any sisters? Signed, Some Guy in Austin.

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  17. So funny! I'm so glad you touched on Jef's hair! Favorite line so far "I didn't know whether to comb his hair or surf on it"
    I CAN NOT wait to read your blogs!

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  18. Dear Some Guy in Austin, I thought you would like that information. There is a whole family of Bushes in Beaverton, including my sister Brittany.

    -Tiffany

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  19. Brittany Bush from Beaverton. Please tell me she's a lumber trader. Even if it's not true, please tell me that. DP

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  20. i feel so bad for Emily. I'm sure all the guys were already head over heels in love with her before they met her but really one would expect men of higher caliber would be selected for Emily. At least last year 's crop of guys seemed to be all brainy.

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  21. Yay, welcome back DP!

    I live in Charlotte, and they filmed here, so I am really looking forward to watching. I saw them a few times during filming around town. Should be interesting to see how it turns out.

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  22. I was not going to be sucked into watching this show but now with your descriptions of the guys vying for Emily's white shorts, how can I not watch?

    Sal in Utah

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  23. A friend of mine asked me the other day "how low does this show have to go before we won't watch it anymore?" A very good question - clearly, we don't know the answer to it yet. I think probably if DP and Lincee stopped blogging, I'd stop watching, but so long as you both agree to sacrifice your time and brain cells, I will too. Thanks for all you do for us!

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  24. naivety = naivete. You're welcome.

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  25. Ann, not sure if you think you're correcting me or if you're simply pointing out an alternate spelling. Regardless, thanks for reading. DP

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  26. So I'm a little behind in my Bachelorette blog reading, but "he's likely a little 'Canadian' for Emily's taste" maybe the best line ever!

    ~Jillybean

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