Well hello, Readers. Welcome back to the first post in what will undoubtedly be classified as the “Most (insert extreme adjective) Season Ever” of the Bachelorette. As is my custom, it’s time to run down the 25 layabouts with either enough clout or nothing better to do for six weeks than to leave their respective lives in search of a shot at instant parenthood and temporary notoriety.
I realize that this off season was a lot like Emily’s white shorts: It contained very little material but it was extremely satisfying. I’d like to issue a big apology; however, the truth is that I didn’t really neglect my voluntarily assumed blogging responsibilities. I’ve been busy at work and managing my personal life’s myriad places to go and people to see. Frankly, I haven’t had time to think, much less write. Regardless, I’m always grateful to see comments in the comment section when I hit the “publish” button on the screen. Thanks for sticking around. Now, let’s get to it.
Aaron, 36, Biology Teacher from
. Normal guy with a normal job. HOWEVER, he’s from Nova Scotia Canada
which means he’s going to talk a-boot being oot of his element in sunny . Aside from the student counsel sweater and
tie and the blatant bed head I can’t really find anything a-boot his head shot
to warrant any massive criticism; especially in light of some of these other
schmucks. If he makes it to the Fantasy
Suite his knowledge of anatomy is sure to come in handy. California
Alejandro, 24, Mushroom Farmer from
. Let’s set aside the gray limo driver shirt
and the diamond earrings for just a second and focus on the more obvious issues
at hand. It’s doubtful that sweet,
Southern Emily and her over-indulged daughter are going to pack up and move to Columbia South America to farm mushrooms with a diminutive guy who
wears diamond stud earrings. I’m fairly
certain that he has a cool accent but that won’t be enough to sway Emily’s
affections in his direction. I’ll be
watching to see if he sprinkles any of those magic mushrooms on her pasta in
hopes of making her hallucinate until he’s cute . . . and tall. Buena suerte, Alejandro. You’ll need it.
Alessandro, 30, Grain Merchant from
Arie, 30, Race Car Driver from the
Brent, 41, Technology Salesman from
Charlie, 32, Recruiter from
. His idea of perfect happiness? ”Every
dog fed and every child with a roof over his head.” Puh-leeez.
That line will get an “awwww” out of Emily in addition to making me
regret taking a sip of Lone Star before hearing it. Chaaalie from Worstah, Mass is a wicked
recrewtah. He’s a decent looking guy,
but Bah-stahn doesn’t play well in Massachusetts . He’d bettah bring his “A” game. Charlotte,
Chris, 25, Corporate Sales Director from
. Congratulations on taking the goofiest
looking head shot, Chucklehead. In
response to “Who are your top 3 favorite groups/artists & why?” He actually
had the balls to answer, “Rascal Flatts – Their music seriously gives me goose
bumps, Zac Brown Band – Awesome chilling music, and Johnny Cash – Rebellious.” You know what gives me the goose bumps? Your head shot. Enjoy the flight back to Illinois .
David, 33, Singer/Songwriter from
He’s a Southern guy who plays guitar.
Trust me. He’ll stick around
provided he’s not as slimy as Wes Hayden.
I have to deduct points for his assertion that he was “ineffably”
inspired by Nirvana, Pink Floyd, and Soundgarden. David, stay away from the fancy words and
stick to singing and strumming and you’ll avoid being ineffably
embarrassed. Charlottesville, VA.
Doug, 33, Charity Director/Real Estate Agent from
He wears a five o’clock shadow in order to deflect attention from the
fact that he has two chick jobs. Oh, he
loves long hugs too. That’s good,
because “Doug” happens to rhyme with “hug.”
Let’s hope for his sake that Emily is the one feeling charitable. Seattle, WA
Jean-Paul, 35, Marine Biologist. I’ll give the guy credit for the pseudo-romantic French moniker and the ice-breaking job title. As long as he doesn’t lead with “have you ever seen a sperm whale break the surface?” he should be alright in the first round.
Jef, 27, Entrepreneur from
Joe, 27, Field Energy Advisor from
Another interesting head of hair.
His upper lip disappeared along with the second “f” in Jef. I love the turquoise, deep v-neck tee. Go heavy or go home, I suppose. He’s probably nice enough. We shall see. Orlando, FL.
John, 30, Data Destruction Specialist from
Kalon, 27, Luxury Brand Consultant from
Kyle, 29, Financial Advisor from
. This guy is obviously very fond of
madras. He also professes an undying
love of The Notebook. Nice touch,
Kyle. I’ll give you the benefit of the
doubt and assume you threw in the Nicholas Sparks answer for extra points. No man actually likes that movie. Long Beach
Lerone, 29, Real Estate Consultant from
Michael, 26, Rehab Consultant from
Nate, 25, Accountant from
Randy, 30, Marketing Manager from
Congratulations on the stupidest head shot outfit. He looks like a 7 year old with a five
o’clock shadow. He might as well be
holding a teddy bear in that shot with some over sized alphabet blocks in the
background. Turquoise plaid shirt and a
gray vest. Apparently, Randy doesn’t market
men’s clothing. That get-up might play
well in whatever Midwestern Dillard’s he “market manages” out of, but he’ll be
laughed out of Oak Creek, Wisconsin . You’d better show up, Randy. That vest won’t talk Emily out of a
rose. Los Angeles
Ryan, 31, Pro Sports Trainer from
I believe athleticism is the ‘Art’ of movement. Michael Jordan was an incredible Artist.” You know who’s not an artist? Whoever did this guy’s hair for the picture. Granite jaw line aside, this guy loves himself. If he can temper that with a dose of humility, he’ll move on. If not, he’ll be doing lunges from LA to GA. Cheeseball.
Sean, 28, Insurance Agent from
. Severely gelled and overly spiked hair. That’s so weird that he’s from Dallas, Texas . He looks nice enough, but Emily doesn’t
strike me as the type to sit under a State Farm Insurance tent and hand out
personalized swag at the County Fair in order to drum up some business for
Sean. His personality will have to win
him points. Let’s face it, “I’m a Marine
Biologist” sounds a hell of a lot cooler than “I can get you a steal on full
auto coverage.” Dallas
Stevie 26, Party MC from
Tony, 31, Lumber Trader from
. This guy should change his name to something
phallic like “Dick” or “Rod” and just complete the trifecta. “Hi, Emily.
My name is Rod Johnson and I’m a lumber trader from Beaverton, OR ,”
is either going to get him immediately past the first round or slapped backed
into the limo. Hell, I may start using
that as my opening line from here on out.
Travis, 30, Advertising Sales Rep. from
Stupid Ed Grimley hair but the guy is wearing a pearl snap shirt so I’ll
lay off for now. He’s got a little Madison, MS of the eyes going
and characterizes himself as “a little Metro.”
I’ll reserve judgment; however, based upon the fact that Emily dug
Womack, she might be into “a little Metro.”
I just hope he can look her in the eye.
If this doesn’t work out, he can always go work at Hooters in Vienna or date Jake
Well, there it is. We’re off and running. Emily’s first official episode is on May 14th. In light of my schedule lately I’ll plan on posting something on Tuesday morning in order to let you know when I plan to post. Never fear. I’ll make the adjustment. Welcome back. I look ineffably forward to a great season and, of course, Emily’s white shorts. Until May 14, take care of yourselves. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be working on my head shot. DP