Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Bachelorette Emily Episode 2: The Herd Thins


Welcome back, Readers.  I’m thrilled the season is in full force but I could have done without the stiff, stuffing-filled, string-operated characters and their inane scripted dialogue.  On the other hand, it was nice to see the Muppets.

 As we gain momentum this season, I’d like to point out that, pursuant to the articulately expressed insistence of some readers, I am desperately in search of some criticism of Emily beyond her veneers.  I’ll keep you well-posted as to my findings.  I’m no longer blissfully blind when it comes to her obvious charms; however, she appears to be a genuinely nice person and, frankly, a dedicated mother in search of a real dude to take out the trash and put up with her garbage.  I, for one, am actually rooting for her to find the prince in the heaping pile of toads this season. 


This week’s well-deserved shout out goes to the heretofore absent Derek and The Boys.  I know I speak for all of the heterosexuals reading this when I say that your contributions to the Comment section of the blog were sorely missed.  Granted, that’s a different kind of soreness that I’d imagine you and The Boys experience, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t real.  Welcome back to South Beach.  I hope your many adventures overseas were fulfilling.  I’d ask to hear about your adventures abroad, but I doubt there were any broads involved.  It’s nice to have my gay contingency back in the States.  Now, let’s get to it.        


We lead off with shots of the indigenous flora and fauna mulling peacefully around Emily’s Enchanted Forest, Charlotte, North Carolina with her daughter before she dumps the kid off with the frumpy moms and their minivans in the neighborhood park before hopping in her free Tahoe and heading to meet the crew for her morning taping session.  In the meantime, a French blue-clad Harrison drops the “Use Your Time Wisely” a/k/a “C*ck Block Whenever It’s Feasible To Do So” speech on the guys in the courtyard before heading out to judge day three of the Carolina Panther Cheerleader auditions. 


Resident chucklehead Chris grabs the “Be My King in the Queen City” date card and announces that Ryan and his odd haircut is the first big winner.  Oblivious to the invitation’s juxtaposition of royal titles in an attempt to appear clever, a gracious Ryan tactfully accepts the date card while screaming for joy inside.  Speaking of queens, albeit closeted ones, Kalon writhes inside still struggling with his feelings for Emily while simultaneously admiring the rigid symmetry of Ryan’s biceps and envying his strong jaw line. 







Ryan packs while the remaining men “bro” each other in vibrantly colored deep v-necks and bold board shorts at the pool as if they were male birds vying for the attention of the single female sitting stoically in the bushes.  Whatever.  Emily arrives in her free Tahoe and picks Ryan up like a 5 year old waiting for the Car Pool Mom to honk in the driveway so he can go on the yearly field trip to the local planetarium.  All he needed was a sack lunch and a note containing his home address, food allergies, and emergency contact number pinned to his turquoise shirt to complete the humiliation. 


While Ryan wonders aloud what excitement awaits him Emily takes him back to her free house and makes him unload her free groceries . . . for free . . . before baking cookies and slicing oranges to be timely delivered to Little Ricki’s soccer game.  Ryan stews in regret, quietly disappointed that he’s wasted one use of his turquoise deep v-neck.  He should have stuck with the black one he had on earlier.  After all, he’s probably got a dozen of those in his suitcase whereas the turquoise one is solely for the purpose of seduction.  Sigh. . .


Emily delivers the cookies and oranges as Ryan is forced to remain---like Quasimodo in the bell tower—out of the view of Little Ricki and the other respectable citizens in the community.  “Mommy, why is there a giant Monchichi in a turquoise deep v-neck sitting in our free Tahoe,” asks Little Ricki as the camera crew steps softly around the other six year olds.  Emily tactfully ignores the question before splitting a juice box with Ryan in her free Tahoe. 


I’ll say this:  Emily must have driven one hell of a bargain when ABC was begging her to do the show.  Soccer games, cookie baking, and Muppet plays featuring Little Ricki as the big finale aren’t exactly what I had in mind when this season began.  Again, it appears that Emily’s money is where her mouth is when it comes to making sure Little Ricki is well taken care of this season.  Now if only the cameras were where Emily’s boobs are.  Annnnyyyyhooo . . .


After getting screwed out of an adventure date—although I would argue that making cookies with Emily beats the hell out of strapping oneself to a bridge and jumping off of it and subsequently making metaphorical comparisons about bridges and jumps and obstacles and love—Ryan cheerfully dons his Rainman suit and heads to Osso for dinner with Emily who looked incredible in her little red dress.  I’m convinced that it’s impossible for her to look bad at any angle at any time.  She’s like the Grand Canyon for crying out loud.  Say what you want about me, but she’s a beautiful broad. 


Dinner seems to go well and I thought Ryan—odd hairdo and all—actually seemed like a pleasant, humble guy.  He scored major Emily points when he referred to “Ricki and our other children” and discussing “our” future with Emily.  Note to everyone who follows Ryan:  That’s an example of incredible pre-date preparation.  His days of watching film in dimly lighted locker rooms in order to bone up on the offensive formations of his football opponents clearly paid dividends on the date.  The guy was one Axe Body Spray scent selection away from the Fantasy Suite.  It earned him a rose.  Nice work, Ryan.  He managed a first one-on-one date, an at home cookie baking session, and earned a rose all without drawing the ire of the guys at the mansion.  That’s much harder to do than he made it look.  “Ricki and our other children?”  Genius. 


Emily chooses some naughty white oxford shirt and librarian hairdo to tell us about Ryan (she should have borrowed Aaron’s lesbian glasses to complete the look) and they eventually have an incredibly awkward dance among hundreds of pre-invited locals at a two song concert from some alt-rock college band I’ve never heard of before.  All in all, it was a solid date. 


Ding Dong.  Chucklehead Chris gets the Group Date Card and reads aloud. 

Alejandro, Nate, Michael, Alessandro, Tony, Wolf, Jef, Charley, Kyle, Chris, Eric, Stevie, and Kalon get the “Let’s Set the Stage for Love” group date card and Kalon hits the closeted homosexual nail deeper into the my-father-would-cut-off-my-unearned-and-undeserved-trust-fund-money-if-he-knew-I-was-gay coffin by professing his comfort in and love of the theater. “It is not love that should be depicted as blind, but self-love,” said Voltaire.  If that’s the case, then Kalon is as blind as that Chinese activist the American taxpayers just paid to bring over here last week.

The Group Date starts off with a Reservoir Dogs-esque chump walk as the men arrive at the theater and discover—much to their poorly hidden chagrin—that they will be performing show tunes and variety numbers to a packed theater with the Muppets.  At first I wondered why Kermit the Frog was hanging out with Chantal, but then I realized it was Miss Piggy.  Alright, that was mean and uncalled for but I’ll let you decide if Chantal’s inexplicable, non-thyroid-induced weight gain during Brad’s season is funny or not.  If forced, I’d apologize for that joke.  Back to Emily. 

I’ll gloss over the rest of what had to be a slow, excruciating day for all of the participants on the date.  Hell, even the Muppets looked tired.  The first highlight came when an obviously distraught Charley met with Emily and explained that his head injury caused him significant speech problems; some of which would prevent him from speaking lines in front of a packed house. 

I laughed when I saw him confessing, but not at Charley’s injury.  I laughed because of all of the people who could understand being purposefully and unwittingly put in a producer-contrived situation involving the most traumatic event in a person’s life Emily is infinitely qualified.  I half expected her to laugh and say, “yea, they put me in a private jet like the one that killed my fiance and then made me drive a NASCAR around a race track.”  Instead, a gracious and empathetic Emily agrees to make the change.  I’ll give the guy credit.  That had to be a tough call for a guy that size and in that situation to make.  I’ve changed my stance on him although I still think he’s going home early.

The second priceless moment came when Wolf dropped the “What’s the difference between Kermit the Frog and Stevie” joke followed by the “Kermit would never wear that hat” punchline followed by “I have a rule:  if you’re a dude and you have Louis Vuitton luggage, you’re a f*g,” regarding Kalon.  Solid work, Wolf.  Perhaps he should change his nickname to “Hyena.” 

Post theater, the boys retire to the rooftop bar at the Garrison Hotel and Chucklehead Chris wastes no time attempting to fumble the first-impression rose he slipped into last week.  Dude, you’ve tasted the end zone.  Act like you’ve been there before.  He clearly could have used lessons from Jef, who went with the ignoring the hottest chick on the planet strategy this week.  Frankly, that strategy hasn’t been effectively used by a guy with a nickname ending in a single “F” since the founder of Playboy.  Girls like Emily—no matter how sweet and sincere—are not used to being openly ignored.  Jef’s IQ is perhaps as high as his hair.  He capped off the conversation with: 

“We're no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do I
A full commitment's what I'm thinking of
You wouldn't get this from any other guy
I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you”






Nice work, Jef. 


Ding Dong.  A nervous Sean learns that Joe and the Kermit the Frog hoodie that Kalon got him at the theater gets the “Come Close to My Heart” one on one.  Man, that’s such a loaded statement.  It’s too bad I’m such a nice guy.  Back to the C*ck Block Party on the Garrison roof. 


Before I waste a lot of your—and more importantly my—valuable time rehashing the cocktail party, let me simply characterize the entire thing as a testosterone and alcohol-filled exercise in poor attempts at one-upsmanship.  Kalon has the balls to tell us that he’s never had to compete for a woman while clad in his white cardigan sweater, blue gingham oxford, and boat shoes.  I suppose that’s a true statement considering the fact that most of the places he frequents don’t allow actual women. 


I haven’t researched this p*ssy, but I know the type.  I’d be willing to bet a year’s pay that he’s a spoiled brat from Houston who trots around various country clubs and charity events doing his best Christian Gray impression trying to convince himself that his increasingly overwhelming attraction to the male wait staff is nothing more than a passing phase.  He probably went to Southern Methodist University in Dallas and majored in something vague like “Entrepreneurship” or “International Marketing.”


He was unquestionably a member of some fraternity filled with over-privileged, under-worked silver spooners like himself named Hunter Something IV or Rex Baxter III or something similar.  He drove a black SUV, went skiing in Vail every spring break and is likely guilty of a host of date rapes, either directly or by association.  At the end of the day, this guy heads back to his own version of the Red Room of Pain he’s created in the expensive River Oaks condo his grandfather’s company bought for him and struggles with the crushing realization that his father will never really respect him; rather he will simply award him the corner office without regard to merit because he is his father’s son.  He is materialistic, shallow, and—deep down—terrified of mirrors because he has to look at himself in the face.  Alternatively, he might actually be the narcissistic prick he appears to be.  Either way, he’s an as*hole.      


Eventually, after the d*ck measuring contest plays out, Jef, who has remained artfully outside of the controversy earns the Safety Rose and Chucklehead Chris laments Emily’s choice.  Now it’s Joe’s turn.


Joe, although he’s about to get dumped like a load of West Virginia coal, draws the private jet to White Sulphur Springs date as he and Emily arrive at the site of many of her childhood jaunts, The Greenbreir.  When I heard West Virginia images of coal mines and illegal distilleries popped into my head.  However, I seriously doubt Emily’s daddy ever descended into the depths of anything more hostile than a wine cellar based upon the looks of that place. 


The entire date was more forced than a Brad Womack pre-rose ceremony toast and we all felt as bad as Emily did when Joe got dumped.  She was right, he’s a nice guy who simply didn’t fit into her life.  On the up side, he did get to share a swim with Emily in the pool and I was thankful at the quick zoom in the cameraman executed when Emily disrobed.  The “pause” button on my DVR has been rubbed blank . . . in addition to certain parts of my anatomy.  That wasn’t easy to do without spilling my Lone Star.


Thank you, folks.  My first anatomy joke and beer reference of the season. 


Back at the MAN-sion, Kalon continues to annoy the men in board shorts and eventually receives a lecture from the meated out Doug on his fatherhood status.  As much as I hate to admit it, Kalon actually had a point about Doug leaving his kid back in Hug Land or wherever he’s from in order to go on the show.  As mad and veiny as Doug got, I think Kalon’s point was valid.  Granted, it should have been left unmade, but it was valid.  That doesn’t discount the fact that Doug might actually be a good father, but poolside lectures to half-buzzed and fatherless twenty-somethings on a reality show are not akin to political nomination acceptance speeches.  The audience is likely to be hostile.  Doug clearly needed a hug. 


After crying for the sake of Joe’s feelings, Emily returns home to put Little Ricki to bed before her GILF-y mom helps her into a purple little number in preparation for the cocktail party.  “Mommy, why is guy in black hat who helped Roz pack her sh*t hanging out in our free house?” says Little Ricki before fading off into the sleep of angels.  Emily hits the road for the mansion and the cocktail party begins in earnest. 

 
Again, it’s useless to rehash these things moment by moment at this stage of the season; however, I think we’ll all agree that the highlight came when Tony the Lumber Guy was forced to stand guard while a clearly embarrassed Emily read the seven page cliché filled missive carefully crafted by Ryan in memorial to their errand running session that morning.  Seven pages?  It might as well have started, “Call Me Ishmael,” for God’s sake.  That guy would benefit if he learned the simple yet elegant structure of the Haiku.  Here’s one I thought of:



Ryan and his hair
Sends nice words to Emily 
Written in Crayon


See how effective that can be.  Annnnyyyyhooo . . . .


Kalon sits alone and is ironically insulted by Wolf (I’ve come to love that guy) when the editors allow him to rehash the now forever classic Louis Vuitton luggage line.  Harrison enters, gray tie and all, to dispense with the tomfoolery and commence with the rose ceremony.  It went down as follows.


Roses



1.                  Ryan

2.                  Jef

3.                  Kalon

4.                  Arie

5.                  Michael

6.                  Nate

7.                  Sean

8.                  Chucklehead Chris

9.                  Give me Hug Doug

10.              Travis

11.              Tony

12.              Wolf

13.              Alessandro

14.              Charley (he was speechless)

15.              Alejandro

16.              Stevie


Sent home were Joe, Kyle, and Lesbian Glasses Aaron.  And so it goes.  With the Amazing count at 12 and the Journey count at a static 6 we head into next week where the herd will be thinned a bit more.  Enjoy your week and I’ll be back on Tuesday.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll drinking in my board shorts.  DP

32 comments:

  1. This is the first season EVER where I'm actually hoping that the relationship works out (rather than me just having something that makes me laugh while I secretly feel better about myself). I think Emily is a classy, sweet, and truly beautiful woman who I wish I could find fault in but seriously cannot.

    I will say that I think she will not work out with a meat head like Ryan . . I actually think she needs someone who is confident but quirky and not as attractive as she is (like Jef but he didn't seem interested).

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  2. "Frankly, that strategy hasn’t been effectively used by a guy with a nickname ending in a single “F” since the founder of Playboy."

    Well done as always, DP!

    KBM

    P.S. Welcome back to Derek & The Boys from South Beach, too!

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  3. I loved the big paragraph describing Kalon, but the best part was the ending. "He is materialistic, shallow, and—deep down—terrified of mirrors because he has to look at himself in the face. Alternatively, he might actually be the narcissistic prick he appears to be. Either way, he’s an as*hole." Definitely my favorite line for this week.

    At least for your post. My favorite line of the show was John's (I refuse to call him Wolf because he's a grown man and that's ridiculous.) Louis Vuitton line about Kalon. My mom and I cried from laughing so hard at that one, and we got to see it twice!

    I see Jef going far. Girls like Emily, who are that gorgeous but also very sweet, often get intrigued by the guy who is a bit standoffish and not totally kissing their butt. Whether he was playing hard to get or he was just nervous, I think she'll keep him around because she'll appreciate how quirky he is and that he's not a complete pretty boy like some of these other idiots. I'm also predicting Arie will last a while; I wanted to see the first night if finding out he was a racecar driver would make her send him packing immediately, but since she seemed to actually really like it, I think she'll really click with him. So yes, I'm calling it now: those two make it to hometownns, possibly even fantasy suites. Guess we'll see.

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  4. I still think it's gonna be One F Jef. She went out of her way to get him to notice her. You don't do that if you're not into the guy.

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  5. Katie in WisconsinMay 22, 2012 at 6:40 PM

    Great recap as always. Although, nothing can beat Wolf's line about the luggage. He gets the prize this week. But I hate that he calls himself "Wolf".

    3 thoughts:

    1. I don't think Kalon is gay. He totally reminds me of Ryan Phillippe in Cruel Intentions - the lifestyle and his expressions.

    2. Stevie looks like he should be a member of The Backstreet Boys Part II.

    3. Arie's blue eyes have won me over and already swooning over the date he's gonna get with Emily next week. He best not disappoint me. I'm assuming he makes it to the final 2. I'm looking forward to that ride!

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  6. When Joe wore the pink plaid, wrinkled shirt on his date with Emily I knew he was toast. Loved "It might as well have started, 'Call Me Ishmael'". It's good to see Derek & The Boys back too.
    I wasn't much of an Emily fan on Brad's season but now I think she's smart, funny and sassy. I hope she finds what she's looking for. Arie telling Em he had dated a single mom with two kids and sympathizing with how difficult it is to be a single mom probably got him the fantasy suite room key slipped in his pocket on the spot.

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  7. Is it just me or is Jef this seasons Jesse?

    Emily is obviously feelin' his brand of cool. Aloof is a good look for him, now she's worried that she's not cool enough for him. She'll busy herself with trying to impress him instead of paying attention to the obvious fact that he is so not daddy material.

    Nice work, indeed.

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  8. Not a great crop of guys to choose from. Jef and Arie are the only 2 that stand out. I'm going to barf if anyone else pulls out the "I have a son" card. UGH!!! Kalon is a tool but he scored points with his comeback to Stevie--"If I were you, I wouldn't like me either".

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  9. I had not noticed the that's-what-she-said nature of the "Come close to my heart" invitation until you pointed it out, so thanks for that, DP.

    Ryan's seven page letter was just embarrassing. Somehow I think that "gifts" --not "words of affirmation" -- are Emily's love language. That letter did Ryan no favors. The only guys she seems really interested in at this point are Arie, Jef, Doug, Chris, and maybe Charlie or Ryan. The rest of them just feel like placeholders.

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  10. Just thought I'd let you know that the concert that Emily and Ryan went to, was actually a very famous country band (became big in 2009) called Gloriana.

    And now that I've already potentially gotten on your bad side by being a "smarty pants", I'll take you up on your challenge to find something negative about Emily. So...besides the veneers that you already mentioned (which are REALLY annoying), there are rumors that she has had a boob job. Considering how her whole image is this down-home, aw-shucks, mom just trying to raise her kid, then the appearance-enhancing stuff is pretty lame/fake. Also, she does seem nice, sweet, and kind, but my goodness she also seems b-o-r-i-n-g.

    But perhaps the most disconcerting thing is this -- whether it's due to her bizarre colored hair, or what she's been through in her life, she seems/looks MUCH older than 26. So every time I see her with one of the guys, it looks like a mom talking to one of her son's friends, and seems vaguely awkward/wrong.

    Keep up the good work...love hearing a guy's point of view on this insanity!

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  11. Good recap DP. I dunno, while I don't think Kalon will be the one, I think he'll go farther than expected. He should not have entered on a helicopter--he sealed his fate as house least favorite when he did that--but to me he just comes across as a more little proper and mature than the rest and actually better dressed than the rest of the barbed wire tattoo types in the house. Ultimately when Ricki crayons on his Vuitton train case it'll be over but I'm not sure if I am ready to call him an a**hole (yet)

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  12. Anon, I have to respectfully disagree with you on Kalon. We'll have to see how it pans out. I agree that he'll stick around but I don't see him as "mature."

    Other Anon, I'm not familiar with Gloriana but I have heard of them. I don't listen to pop "country" but I'm sure they have a big following. As for the fake boobs, I don't think that should count against her. She's not Joan Rivers. Personally, I don't have a problem with nips and tucks if they don't get out of hand. Point taken, though. Also, I don't mind "smarty pants" if it's done in a respectful way. Keep commenting and thanks for reading.

    DP

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    Replies
    1. Great work this week, DP! You had me and the boys on the verge of tears with laughter. Thanks for the shout out and a warm welcome back from KBM and anon's.

      Couple of things this week. WE LOVE RYAN'S HAIR. Several of the my friends will be taking a picture of Ryan to the salon this week and asking for the same metro-sexy style. Girls, he's hot and there is just no other way to explain it.

      My thoughts on Kalon is that his ego is too big to ever let him come out of the closet. He will live the rest of his life in misery and continue to sabotage his relationships because of his inner demons which cause him much frustration and aguish. He's a sad case. I think that Kalon would become a much more pleasant person if he would accept himself for who he is.

      Stevie on the other hand is secretly homophobic and is terrified to be in the same room with Kalon. I'm sure that he finds it unbearable to actually compete for another woman's affections with a closet queen. Get over it Stevie. You are going to be sent home before an undercover gay suitor. Deep down this possibility torments Stevie and keeps him from sleeping at night.

      The boys and I still pick Jef as our favorite, but Ryan definitely showed promise.

      Love and laughs,

      Derek and the boys

      Delete
  13. Have you seen this?

    http://www.cinchedatthewaist.com/2012/05/vamos-la-playa-kalon-mcmahons-beach.html

    EPIC

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  14. I think the prize will go to the first guy who offers Emily a sincere compliment regarding any attribute other than her looks. She gets it - she's pretty. The first person who shows her that they can see past that to some quality - any quality - above and beyond physical appearance (which, let's face it, is an accident of birth) will win her heart.

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  15. Great recap! Although your comment about Chantal was mean. I think you should apologize without being forced. I didn’t buy what Ryan was trying so hard to sell. I agree that he was prepared but it felt rehearsed and insincere to me. The only line of his that I liked was “why does the chase ever have to be over?” To quote you, “that was solid!”

    My favorite lines were: “Mommy, why is there a giant Monchichi in a turquoise deep v-neck sitting in our free Tahoe,” and He was unquestionably a member of some fraternity filled with over-privileged, under-worked silver spooners like himself named Hunter Something IV or Rex Baxter III or something similar.

    Wonderful job as always. You leave us wanting more!

    Denise in Alabama

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  16. did you read all the 50 shades books? i'd like an off season post about your thoughts on that!
    -laurie in ohio

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  17. Kalon totally reminds me of "Patrick Bateman" (Christian Bale), in the movie "American Psycho". He's got all the moves, vocabulary etc down pat. He also looks like a taller version of Martin Short. All in all, creepy!!

    Nice recap, DP..thanks!
    Dianne

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  18. Dianne, see my first week's post. I got the Christian Bale vibe too. It almost seems like an act.

    laurie, I haven't read the whole book but I tried. I'll comment on that for sure.

    Denise in Alabama, you're a loyal reader. I'm sorry about the Chantal comment. I'm not usually mean, but I'll admit that was a bit over the line. Happy?

    Butters, accident of birth? Yes, but the plastic surgery hasn't hurt her either. Good observation. I agree. DP

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  19. DP, I sincerely agree that you’re not a mean person and meant no harm with your joke. No worries here. On what has been a horrible day, you’ve made me laugh. So, yes, I’m happy.

    Denise in Alabama

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  20. DP, How could you not call out Kalon telling Emily that while he gets the ladies in Texas, there aren't any as pretty as her in Texas. UH...OUCH! I mean, I know I am not, but I've seen plenty..

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  21. Loved it! All the "free" stuff was hilarious, so was your anatomy joke. I figure there will be lots of those since the camera can't help but zoom in on her assets and you clearly have been reading up on 50 shades of grey-the book-not Ben's wardrobe.
    ~Cariss

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  22. Great Post DP! I'm glad that it seems, you have started to sing a different tune about Chris. He's not my cup of tea.

    Jocelyn!-I totally agree with the Jef=Jesse comment (snowboarder/winner from Deanna's season) I was thinking the same thing from the first episode.

    I also disagree with the boob job comment. Who cares. She's a mother and we all know things start to go a little south after kids. If it gives her some self confidence then good for her. I wouldn't argue getting that as a gift from my husband! :)

    They are jumping through quite a few hoops for Emily, but I like the different feel of this season. I think it will cut out some of the "same old thing" feelings I have gotten the last few season's of this show. I like her alot more than on Brad's season. She has come out of her shell and I like to see her in a more confident position. Asking point blank questions. Usually we don't see that.
    -Tiffany

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  23. Solid as always, DP. Especially the parts about Kay-Lynn. No, he's not gay, just a chach. I'll give him hell for it though.
    Can't wait for kiddy hour to end. Having trouble getting a read on One-F-Jeff. Adopting a hipster one-letter name, wearing skinny jeans, and a Frankie Avlon pompadour should qualify you as a douche, but he also seems cool at times.

    Can't wait to see this play out.

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  24. DP,
    It's sweet to see you in love this season :). What did you think of the black lace dress?

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  25. Everytime I see Ryan I will picture a Monchichi head. So sorry Derek and the Boys but I do not like Ryans hair. I just don't get it.

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  26. Great post, DP. I loved your references to the 50 Shades book...was wondering if you would figure out a way to tie that in, how could I doubt you? :) You never disappoint!
    I liked Ryan up until the 7 page letter. That was a bit much but maybe he can redeem himself next week. Getting a new hairstyle would help! Just sayin'... My money is still on One-F Jef and I can't wait to see what happens with Arie next week. I see some serious chemistry brewing there... And last but not least, your take on Kalon is right on the money and I can't wait for him to leave!!! "He was unquestionably a member of some fraternity filled with over-privileged, under-worked silver spooners like himself named Hunter Something IV or Rex Baxter III or something similar.".... so true!!!

    Rose in the OC

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  27. Rose, I'm not sure if it's a hair style per se or if its just an unfortunate manifestation of errant hair growth. Either way, it could use a fix. Arie will go far. She digs the race car type. DP

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  28. Pick Up the Phone SkipsMay 25, 2012 at 9:52 AM

    You mentioned you’re desperately in search of some criticism of Emily. If you weren't kidding, here's some:
    1. She doesn’t have a college education. 2. She lives off other people’s money.
    3. She mentions “little Ricki” in every other sentence. It’s tiring.
    4. Her voice is hard to listen to after a minute or two. I found myself cringing from the high-pitched sound during the last episode.
    5. You’re right, she looks like she has veneers. They stick out slightly. I don’t know for certain if she has veneers, but if she does, then that is too bad. It’s a shame to get your natural teeth filed down at such a young age.
    6. She is reminiscent of Dolly Parton, which is not necessarily a bad thing. I made the connection between her and Dolly before I witnessed Dolly on the show previews. I could not believe it.
    7. Whatever she says is safe, boring, predictable, polite, unoriginal, and expected.
    8. There’s no need to cry about eliminating a guy on a first date. It doesn’t have to be that dramatic. The whole hotel date seemed like a formal job interview, especially at the end, when the dude (can’t remember his name) thanked her for the opportunity, hastily bid her goodbye, turned on his heels, and exited.
    9. She has an air of formality about her. Although she is sweet and nice, she is not an easygoing person, nor a naturally funny one.
    10. Since she is not a naturally funny person, I am perplexed as to why she says she wants a “funny” guy. Funny in what way? What sort of humor? We all know Brad had no wit, and she was attracted to him. People who are stilted and somewhat formal in their mannerisms, like Brad and Emily, often are of lower intelligence. They would make for boring partners.
    11. A person should never whine to another person, “you make me nervous,” or “I feel like you’re so cool and I’m not.” Emily has done that at least a couple times so far in this season.
    12. Emily, though she is 24, appears to be the mother of all the men. She coddles them, compliments them, interviews them like she is a tv anchor, and hugs them all warmly – even the gross ones. When is she going to stop taking the lead?
    13. There was a picture posted of Emily with Kermit recently, and her side profile is not all that attractive. Her noise and chin were pointy, and I got an instant premonition of what she will look like when she is 60.
    14. What is Emily into as far as hobbies and interests? Does the woman have any, besides her darling little Ricki which we hear about ad nauseum? Can she play the piano, perform interpretive dance, baton twirl, speak a different language, twist a cherry stem with her tongue? Anything? If she wants to be regarded as more than a pretty face, she must give us something more than a pretty face.
    15. Her face looks like it is ever so slightly concave, horizontally right through the middle. Either that or too flat. It’s definitely not perfect.
    16. Her daughter appears to have a slight learning disability, and is chubby and plain looking. Stop putting your kid on tv, Emily. It will be embarrassing to the kid when she is older. The Bachelor/ette show is historically not the most wholesome program, and Emily is trying to conform it into one. Still, it is what it is.
    17. What does Mr. Hendricks think of all this? Emily baking cookies in the house he probably bought for her? I imagine the Hendricks family must be somewhat bothered and perhaps be ever so slightly humiliated by Emily’s public display on television.
    18. Emily portraying her life as lonely, and expressing her want/need to find a suitable husband on a tv show discredits the show. The clip showing her getting into a big bed all alone, and picking up a book to read, was completely ridiculous.

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  29. Pick Up the Phone Skips, Wow, that's quite a list. Your reaction is quite visceral. It makes me wonder why you watch at all. You're entitled to your opinion,although, I'm also entitled to disagree. Some of your criticism is fair, I think. I just don't have a problem with some of the things that you do. For instance, number 1. A very large portion of the population is not college educated. I'm not certain why that should count against her. 3 doesn't bother me because she considers herself a mother above all else. That's not a bad thing considering she could take the Michelle Money route just as easily. 7, 9, and 14 are fair. 16 is unnecessary. 17 is irrelevant. 18 is a product of ABC. Again, it sounds like you've put a lot of thought into this and I appreciate the commment. Thanks for reading. With any luck, you'll make the turn from being constantly annoyed by her to mildly tolerating her. DP

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  30. Well, I was going to do all sorts of commenting on the show...until I got to the last commenter. Dang, Pick Up, hate much?!? I saw nothing wrong with her emotion over sending Joe home. To me, it just proves what a genuinely kind person she is. And your criticism of her not having a college education is like a lot of college grads I know; tarded.
    And get off the veneers thing. Maybe Emily suffers from enamel hypoplasia or dentinogenisis imperfecta. There could be a good reason for having veneers at a young age.
    DP, I disagree about number 14 being fair. That is a ridiculous criticism. She had a child a young age and has since been busy raising her. It is hard to have "hobbies" when you have very young children. It's all-consuming. That is why I have to read my Fifty Shades books and read this blog at 12:30 AM! Sheesh!
    The best is number 15. "Her face looks like it is ever so slightly concave..." WOW! That just reeks of jealousy! ;)

    By the way, I really like the way Kalon dresses! He is unattractive but his style is yummy!

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  31. WOW! Pick Up needs to worry less about the phone and Pick Up a glass of wine!

    I was fine until #16. How hate-filled to pick on a child.

    Pick Up - Pick on someone your own size.

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