Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Emily Episode 1: Fifty Shades of Gay


Well hello, Readers.  Welcome back to those of you who took the Off-Season off and welcome back to those of you who stuck around despite the absence of a bona fide “journey to find love.”  I spent most of Monday in deep reflection trying to put my mind in the proper posture for the manufacture of subtle anatomy jokes and my usual brand of adolescent humor.  It’s up to you to decide if I was successful. 


As always, there are a few ground rules for this post since it’s the most difficult of the season to get through.  Below is an alphabetical listing of the “men” enlisted to valiantly attempt to win Emily’s affections rather than a chronological play by play of the show.  I’ll get to my take on our Bachelorette a bit later in my riveting analysis.  Frankly, I think the only person more excited than me to see Emily last night was Harrison.  He looked like an eighth grader hiding under the bleachers while the cheer leading squad was sitting above him.  At least he’ll be interested in hosting this season.  He’s snoozed through the last couple.  Now, let’s get to it.


We begin in standard fashion.  Emily and the heretofore not so anonymous Ricki gallivant around various Charlotte parks in seasonal attire pretending like the cameras aren’t there.  Emily rehashes the horror of her previous life in addition to generally mentioning a certain former bachelor who she may have wanted to marry once. 


Incidentally, our buddy Mr. Womack is now no longer a resident of Austin, Texas.  He’s apparently moved to Houston in order to oversee the acquisition of a few more bars that he and his investors have been eyeing for some time.  I’ll certainly miss seeing him at the gym a few times a week and I’m certain that Axe Body Spray will have to adjust its inventory accordingly.  Odds are he’s going to place himself pretty far away from the television on Monday nights and after seeing the Putz Parade last night I can’t say that I blame him.  Brad is not a bad guy and I wish him luck.  Back to Emily.


After telling us that Brad “showed her lots of things she didn’t know existed in men” (like giant back tattoos and blatant commitment issues), Emily shifts gears to the task at hand as she wanders around her free house, wears her free 30 foot scarf, and rides her free horse.  It’s lonely in Charlotte, apparently, and the only cure available is a nationwide idiot hunt. 


A rejuvenated Harrison emerges from the soft purple hue of the mansion lights to recap—yet again—Emily’s on again, off again search for the right man after the death of her beloved race car driver.  I’m certain Harrison has to be sick of that breakdown but he sells it like the finely tuned professional that he’s proven himself to be.  Incidentally, in light of his pending divorce, I’m certain the prospect of watching the pettiness unfold over the course of the next 8 weeks is nauseating to him.  Then again, I’m certain that fat paycheck he’s getting will buy a lot of Pepto Bismol.  And thus, we begin.      


Aaron, 36, Biology Teacher from Nova Scotia.  He shows up in some ridiculous Buddy Holly glasses and an even more ridiculous line about teaching biology but being there to see if he has chemistry with Emily.  Much to my chagrin, Aaron got a rose at the end of the show.  I suppose he did just enough to survive.  If he had been dismissed, I’m certain he would have high tailed it like a draft dodger back to his home country and pooted aboot it over a few Moosehead beers.  Congratulations on surviving a poor joke, Aaron.  My advice?  Erase the chalkboard and start over.  Losing those glasses is a good start.  He looked like a lesbian working at a health food store.     


Alejandro, 24, Mushroom Farmer from Columbia.  He arrives to the confused stares of sweet and patient Emily with his diamond stud earrings in place and further confuses her by speaking Spanish and telling her he’s a mushroom farmer.  The guy doesn’t exactly have “step-father” written all over him  . . . in English or in Spanish.  Que lastima, Alejandro.  Oh, and congratulations on choosing to grow what is undoubtedly the least lucrative crop a person can grow in Columbia.  In spite of himself, he got a rose.      


Alessandro, 30, Grain Merchant from Uberlandia, Brazil.  This guy is pretty much the Alejandro of Brazil.  Trade out the earrings for some Bieber hair, substitute mushrooms for grain, and make the switch from Spanish to Portuguese and he’s pretty much the same guy.  Emily looked really uncomfortable either due to the fact that she didn’t understand Portuguese or, more likely, because of his hair cut.  He got a rose.  I was Uber-surprised.     


Arie, 30, Race Car Driver from the Netherlands.  I think it’s more evident than Emily’s prodigious bosom that this guy is going all the way to the Fantasy Suite.  Good looking, charming, and low key are obvious characteristics that will charm the white shorts off Emily and this guy has all three.  Add in the fact that he was considerate enough to address the “I drive race cars is that ok with you” issue up front and he’s going to have a real shot at her checkered flag, if you know what I mean.  Let that be a lesson to douchebags like Kalon who seem to believe that any woman can be wooed with frivolity.  Arie could have gone with the Formula 1 card but didn’t.  Props to him for keeping his giant ace inside of his pocket.  He got a freaking rose.   


Brent, 41, Technology Salesman from Midland, TX.  Nice enough guy with the poor name tag schtick.  She laughed uncomfortably but I think we all know she was unimpressed.  On the up side, Emily wasn’t forced to try and remember his name when she didn’t give him a rose.       


Charlie, 32, Recruiter from Massachusetts.  Look, I know this guy had a horrible accident and suffered a traumatic brain injury.  However, leading with that on a first meeting is probably not a good idea.  It doesn’t help that he shares the name of the lead character in Flowers for Algernon.  If Emily remembers that book from high school, this guy is sure to be toast.  He got a rose, but my guess is that he’s one step above a producer’s pick. 


Chris, 25, Corporate Sales Director from Illinois.  He loves Rascal Flatts and took up WAY too much time with some horsesh*t story about his dad’s advice before he got on the plane to Charlotte.  He made up for it in the one on one with the bobble head bit.  That actually worked but it won’t change the fact that he’s still a Chucklehead.  Nice recovery, Chris.  Keep it up and I shall root for you.     


David, 33, Singer/Songwriter from Charlottesville, VA.  This guy is a Class A Cheese who looks like a poor man’s John Stamos and dresses like it too.  His use of words like “ineffable” is ineffably annoying and he comes across as a pretentious putz.  He tells us that he doesn’t like to “toot his own horn” but I was left with the impression that he spends a lot of time playing with his own horn.  Emily wasn’t buying his act either.  No Rose.  I look forward to hearing the song you write about it on the plane back to your Full House in wherever you store your thesaurus, David. 



Doug, 33, Charity Director/Real Estate Agent from Seattle, WA.  Doug likes to hug.  He also likes to come out swinging.  Props to him for forcing his 11 year old to take dictation and submit a letter to Emily.  She “dug” it and it got him the First Impression Rose . . . and a hug.  Good for that guy.   

Jackson, 29, Fitness Model from Chicago.   Perhaps the biggest idiot in the bunch.  His entrance included a canned line about things in life taking his breath away.  I’m certain he read that on one of the pieces of “artwork” they sell at Bed, Bath, & Beyond right next to the “Live, Laugh, Love” carvings.  Between that and the pink shirt he was batting 1000 in the douche category yet still saw fit to top if off by removing his shirt after he got thrown out and proclaiming “THIS is what she missed.”  Indeed it is, dickhead.  I’m certain she didn’t wake up in a cold sweat and second guess that decision.  Good luck eating your chicken breasts every 4 hours in addition to hitting on every woman within sight.  Have fun at the Hard Rock pool in Vegas this summer.      



Jean-Paul, 35, Marine Biologist.  Canadian who talks like Wayne Gretzky.  Cool job and exotic accent aside the guy was boring and Emily knew it.  There’s no way he’s headed south of Emily’s Maginot Line  He’s oot.  Sigh, yet another loss for the French.  At least he didn’t surrender.  No rose, eh?      


Jef, 27, Entrepreneur from Utah.  Frankly, I’m torn on this one.  The guy wears jean jackets and skinny jeans in addition to riding a skateboard to work and looking like Rick Astley.  His hair is more inflated than Jackson’s ego, yet somehow I liked the guy.  He got a rose.  “Never gonna give you up, Never gonna let you down, Never gonna run around and hurt you.  Never gonna make you cry, Never gonna say goodbye. . .”.       


Joe, 27, Field Energy Advisor from Orlando, FL.  Douchey entrance.  He laid it on as thick as peanut butter and Emily looked extremely uncomfortable.  God bless her muted blond hair and her fantastic little teeth.  The least a guy could do is try and contain himself.  My guess is that Joe is probably a normal guy who will cringe when he watches himself on camera.  He managed a middle of the pack rose last night, but he’ll need to get in early next week and show Emily he can behave like an adult.      



John, 30, Data Destruction Specialist from St. Louis.  His friends call him “Wolf.”  Good, because he’ll likely end up alone.  He got a default rose.         



Kalon, 27, Luxury Brand Consultant from Houston, Texas.  So much for proving me wrong.  He’s obviously this season’s selected bad guy and the helicopter entrance solidified the other guys’ hatred of him early.  It’s nice to see that the producers have chosen to manufacture the villain up front rather than letting that develop over the first couple of shows.  The guy is an idiot, by the way.  We all know he models himself after Christian Bale in American Psycho and he’s obviously in the middle of a severe gay panic.  I hate him and I’m certain you do too.  Let’s hope his story line goes nowhere quickly.  He got a producer’s pick bad guy rose. 


 
Kyle, 29, Financial Advisor from Long Beach.  Leads with this season’s “amazing,” which is “stunning.”  He’s too old to be that tongue tied but managed a “you’re not as bad as the fools I kicked off” rose.  Man up, Kyle.  She’s not looking for unsolicited compliment after compliment.  Emily is into quiet confidence and the maturity required to set an example for her daughter.  To quote my high school basketball coach, “it’s time to show some sack.”  Indeed, you’ll have to present the aforementioned sack in order to stick around.     



Lerone, 29, Real Estate Consultant from Laguna Beach. Which one of these things is not like the others?  I waited for Emily to turn to the off camera help and ask if someone could sign for a delivery when this guy walked up.  He seemed nice enough and I thought he was one of the better looking guys of the bunch but he was also as mute as that guy a few seasons ago who liked Mexican food or whatever.  He failed to make any sort of impression.  Sadly, Lerone ended up alone.  No rose.    



Michael, 26, Rehab Consultant from Tahoka, TX.  Another mute with ridiculous hair who claims to be a musician from Austin.  What happened to Rehab Consultant from Tahoka?  Odd.  Incidentally, moving to Austin and calling yourself a musician is tantamount to moving to Seattle and opening a coffee shop.  I was surprised this guy got a rose.  He pissed me off.        



Nate, 25, Accountant from Scottsdale, AZ.  I’ll give this guy credit for the least stupid entrance.  He kept it low key and simple and even drew a “you smell nice” from an obviously curious Emily.  I’m certain he was wearing Axe Body Spray.  Props to him for doing his research.  We’ll see if his fantastic scent and muted demeanor will carry him past the next round.  I need an accountant to make it to the Fantasy Suite so I can try out my “fat finger” jokes.  Keep your fat fingers crossed.    

Randy, 30, Marketing Manager from Oak Creek, Wisconsin.  Russell Crowe look alike who arrived inexplicably dressed like Norman Bates dressed as Norman Bates’ mother in Psycho.   Ironically, he looked even more ridiculous when he tore off the dress and revealed a lime green shirt and a vest.  A clearly horrified Emily feigned amusement but eventually sent him back to the attic.  His doppelganger quipped in Gladiator, “what we do in life echoes in eternity.”  For Randy’s sake, let’s hope the gods weren’t watching from Elysium when he pulled that stunt.    



Ryan, 31, Pro Sports Trainer from Augusta, GA.  One word:  Monchichi (remember those?)  He got a rose.  Whatever. 





Sean, 28, Insurance Agent from Dallas, Texas.  Here’s another guy with a boring career that kept it simple last night.  He showed up, introduced himself, wrinkled his forehead, and nodded his head affirmatively when Emily spoke.  He shows promise.  He earned a rose.  Nice work, Sean.   


Stevie 26, Party MC from Monroe Township, NJ.  He’s the ying to Kalon’s yang.  He’s an annoying, East Coast cheeseball with a temper.  In other words, he’s the perfect person for Kalon to piss off for a few shows before the producers decide he should go.  His entrance was ridiculous and he reminded me of John Cryer if John Cryer wore Kelly green dress shirts and whined a lot.  He got a rose so he can argue with Kalon for a couple of weeks.    


 
Tony, 31, Lumber Trader from Beaverton, OR.  He should have led with the six year old son instead of that foolish Cinderella slipper nonsense.  He’s got promise but seemed almost as whiney and neurotic as Stevie.  He should show Emily his best wood.  He barely got a rose.       


 
Travis, 30, Advertising Sales Rep. from Madison, MS.  I honestly can’t believe that the frohawk and the ostrich egg didn’t get in the way of his last place rose last night.  Look, a rose is a rose, but this guy better ditch the egg and fix the hair if he wants to stick around.  Like the product of that egg, his entire game is likely to remain flightless.    


Well, there it is.  With the Journey count at 6 and the Amazing count at a respectable 10 we head into what will likely prove to be an interesting season.  Let me say that as much as I fawn over Emily, I do actually like what I see in her as a person.  She seems genuine, humble, and dedicated to her daughter.  Frankly, I think ABC made it worth her while to go on the “journey” and her daughter is apparently going to be there with her on her trip around the world.  That’s an opportunity that she probably couldn’t refuse.  I’ll reserve judgment until the season unfolds. 


It’s good to be back.  I look forward to this season and I’d LOVE to have my comment section overflowing with feedback each week.  Certain things keep me going and that’s certainly one of them.  Until next week, take care of yourselves.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be tooting my own horn.  DP

47 comments:

  1. Love the Monchichi reference it made me smile at the end of this horrendous work day!

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  2. One word:Monchichi. DP, that may be one of the funniest things I've read in your blog! I am so glad you are back! Thanks for the laughs!

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  3. I'm happy to have some love for the Monchichi. I'm sure Ryan will appreciate it too. DP

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  4. I'm so glad you're back! I'm with you on Jef, I just can't decide if/why I like him. lol

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  5. I was suprised that a few of the guys looked a lot better in person. Most if not all of their pre-season profiles on abc.com were TERRIBLE.

    Charlie is my early favorite. I gotta go against you here. I also can't believe that you would root for Chris. Judging by his "I fight for what I want to win" comment I think he's this season's resident asshole after the helicopter guy.

    Whenever I watch, I'm alwasy thinking... I can't wait to hear what Some Guy says about this! Glad you're back!
    -Tiffany

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  6. Hooray, you're back!
    Love that you can quote Rick Astley and called Ryan a Monchichi. AWESOME!
    And thanks. Now that damn song is stuck in my head. Perhaps I'll serenade my husband with it tonight at our anniversary dinner.

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  7. Great recap this week, DP! I’m sorry to be MIA for an entire season. I really missed reading and commenting on the blog. Part of the season me and a few of the boys took an extended vacation to Europe and stayed with friends for several weeks. Another reason was that the boys and I never did buy into the whole idea of Ben being straight and starring as The Bachelor last season and could not bear to watch that tortured soul have to fake it through another season just for the sake of a little more TV time. On a similar note, we have already identified the imposter of this season’s crop. Michael ( the rehab consultant from Texas) no more belongs on The Bachelorette than David the singer/song writer belongs on The Voice. Did anyone hear his song about Emily? Who kicked the cat? Anyway, we were much more concerned about Michael. If wanting to be like Ryan Gosling because he’s young and powerful isn’t a dead give away, then naming John Mayer, Bruno Mars and Justin Timberlake as your favorite artists just blew the doors off your little secret. Sweet little Michael is an undercover lover banging on the closet door if I ever saw one. Unlike Some Guy, the boys and I absolutely adore him and loved his hair. I hope that this season will help him take a long hard look at who he really is and give up on his little charade.

    I thought that DP was uncharacteristically harsh on all of the gentlemen this season. The boys and I are convinced that is has something to do with his beloved Emily being the bachelorette. With that said, I still L’dMAO at every one of his takes on this season’s bachelors. Anyway, the boys and I are pulling for Jef this season. I know that DP didn’t care for his hair, but it reminded us of your hair in your underwear modeling pic. Anyone else have a favorite that they see going all the way?

    Thanks again DP for a very entertaining end to a boring Tuesday!

    Love and laughs,

    Derek and the boys

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  8. Katie in WisconsinMay 15, 2012 at 4:36 PM

    Arie was my favorite in ABC's head shots, and he was my favorite still after last night's episode. I also predict he'll make it to the Fantasy Suite.

    My favorite line(s)...

    "The guy is an idiot, by the way. We all know he models himself after Christian Bale in American Psycho and he’s obviously in the middle of a severe gay panic. I hate him and I’m certain you do too."

    Amen! Kalon is the Vienna of the season. I hope Emily catches on fast.

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  9. Great Post! Please make fat finger jokes regardless.

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  10. Wendy in ColoradoMay 15, 2012 at 5:06 PM

    Our favorite cringe-worthy show returns! Well...maybe not as cringe-worthy as the Bachelor, but still. There was cringing. The egg had me screaming at the TV and the grandma get-up was just painful.

    I have to agree with you and a few of the commenters...I did not expect to like One F Jef but he was so likable!

    If you noticed your page hits climbing madly today it's because I was clicking every 5 mins to see if the post was up. Welcome back!

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  11. Great job, Some Guy! I look forward to reading your take on the band of clowns they've gathered together for this season every week!

    Speaking as a female viewer who watches with a roomful of female viewers, we were much more pro-Charlie than you were. He's got the loveable-teddy-bear-guy vibe going, and if Emily's into that, he'll go really far. We were right with you regarding Jef, in that "somehow [we] liked the guy." Given his teenager-from-the-early-90s styling, we shouldn't, but he seems like a pretty good, solid guy, so we're predicting he'll go far too.

    A word of caution: we understand that you're into Emily, but make sure you use your snark on her just like you would on any other star or contestant on this show. I don't think Derek and the boys are right in saying you were uncharacteristically harsh toward the guys last night; I just think corresponding mockery of Emily was lacking. Just because she's a lovely lady and an obviously loving mother doesn't mean she doesn't say and do stupid things. Case in point: her "Holy crap, I'm 26! I need a baby daddy stat!" speech last night. That was all kinds of ridiculous.

    Of course, the fact that I care enough to write this comment critiquing the fine art of sarcastic reality show recapping that you practice is all kinds of ridiculous, too. ;)

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  12. "The guy wears jean jackets and skinny jeans in addition to riding a skateboard to work and looking like Rick Astley. His hair is more inflated than Jackson’s ego, yet somehow I liked the guy. " You are so right. He does look like Rich Ashley!! But it is interesting him coming from Uhta.

    Arie seems to be a forerunner for me and Jackson made me want to throw up. lol. maybe the producers made him super drunk and coaxed him into doing that cringe worthy stripping stunt. I have to belive that to be able to sleep at night:P

    Thanks for a great recap:)
    Bianca V

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  13. Yay for us - you're back! And as always, you don't disappoint. Loved the Monchichi reference. As with a few of your other readers, I was pleasantly surprised with the guys being a bit better than what their ABC profiles showed. In fact, I thought that Jef (why the ONE f???) was going to be a complete joke and honestly, he was the one I was most impressed with because he seems a lot more genuine than most of the guys. Two of my other favorites are Arie and Charlie....so I guess we'll have to see how all of this plays out. I can't wait to find out who she tells to get the "f out!"... bring on the drama! Looking forward to the following weeks with you DP.

    Rose in the OC

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  14. DP, I love the Axe Body Spray comments! There were so many this week I simply cannot choose a favorite.

    I can select a favorite guy, however. Although I liked Doug, I'm not sure he has more to offer Emily than the single parent commonality, and First Impression Rose winner does not usually prevail. I agree with your take on Arie and bet he makes it to the Finnish line. Oh wait, he's from Norway, which spoiled my joke. Speaking of finalists, wouldn't it be amazing if soon-to-be divorced Chris Harrison entered the competition? Talk about a dramatic ending to the season and perhaps the entire show.

    It is good to have you back. And ditto for Derek and the Boys.

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  15. Okay, I'm calling it. She's gonna pick Jef with the missing F. Why do I say that? After Jef walked away, she said something like "Gosh, I hope he thinks I'm cool."

    She's smitten.

    And you're right DP, he looks like rick astley!

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  16. Welcome back, Derek and the Boys! We've missed you so.

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  17. My Tuesday is complete now that you have given us your insight into last night's "journey". As usual there are too many funny lines from you but my favorites were - about Tony- he should show Emily his best wood then your parting shot -I'll be tooting my own horn.

    Sal in Utah

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  18. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we're back! I so look forward to your recaps each week. I cant wait for all the perverted jokes and phallic references in the near future. Thanks DP, for the awesome read and many laughs each week.

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  19. Glad you are back.... As always your recaps are priceless.

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  20. "Thank you sooooo much." I think the count was 75. And being from Charlotte, NC, I did appreciate her politeness and seemingly straight face as I was laughing hysterically at the cheesiness from some of the men. I do like Emily, and can't wait to see the F-bomb episode...but I don't think she'll remember Flowers for Algernon!

    I hope Mr. Whiney-butt goes home soon. Maybe Mr. Helicopter can give him a lift! ugh.

    Great recap!! love it

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  21. Great recap, only problem is I can't stop humming that stupid Rick Astley tune from the '80s.....Thanks for that:)
    Too early for me to pick a favorite but I'd heard Charlie's story before. My husbands cousin was at the party when it happend. He was in the house. Here is a link to the youtube news report about it.
    www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KRk8Jba020
    Anyhow, looking forward to many laughs this season. Thanks for sticking it out with us
    Kerry:)

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  22. You are so funny, DP. I'm an Emily fan, too, but I could not get over the fact that the back of her dress was reminiscent of a figure skater costume. But she is still super cute. Even if her dress was like mesh spanx.

    FYI: There is no way Emily will maintain interest in a man who wears skinny jeans. As a Southern Belle myself, I can assure you this is the case.

    I seriously cannot wait to continue watching and reading your recaps!

    -Meredith

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  23. I thought for sure you'd comment about Emily on a horse! I thought you'd love that portion of the show! Great recap - I couldn't stop giggling about comparing Ryan to the Monchichi thing (though I really liked Ryan!). I really do like Emily, I have to say. Props to her for saving all the cheesy introduction moments with class and charm. I look forward to following your blog this season!

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  24. OMG, between your super funny recap and seeing Derek and the boys are back sure made my Tuesday!

    Thanks DP for mentioning Rick Astley, now I can't get that silly song out my head.

    Love Emily, she is a true southern belle. I think it's going to be a good season.

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  25. Moncheechee moncheechee!!! oh so soft and cuddle lee!! You know you know the song!! Awesome!!

    Welcome back to you, and to Derek and the boys!

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    1. Thank you for that second line. Now as it plays over incessantly in my mind, I'll stop singing, "you're so soft and snuggly"!

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  26. Some Girl in CharlotteMay 16, 2012 at 9:06 AM

    Hey DP! Long time reader, first-time commenter. Always wanted to say that... :)

    I'm more invested than usual in this season because it was filmed in my city, and because, despite her gigantic veneers (I can't believe you called her teeth little - ha), I really like Emily! I loved this post - the Monchichi thing made me snort. I wanted to hate hipster Jef, too, and I don't see Emily with a hipster...but I liked him. Keep up the good work...you are making a lot of people's work days more bearable!

    On another note, I'm coming to Austin for a bachelorette weekend in September. Any suggestions on places to stay (we'll have about 12 girls), or to eat/go out? I trust your opinion!

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  27. dp2 and Kelly - Thanks for the shout out girls! Casey...You might be right. I never noticed it until you mentioned it, but DP did not have one negative thing to say about Emily. Maybe that was the difference. DP, can you bring yourself to poke fun at Emily this season?

    Derek

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  28. To Some Girl in Charlotte - If you are getting advice from DP as to where to eat in Austin you probably came to the right person. He eats out frequently and has suggested some pretty tasty establishments when we have met for lunch. However, I would proceed with caution when trusting him to point you toward the perfect bar/drinking establishment. While he frequents some really cool laid back watering holes, he also chooses to socialize at bars who operate below and around city health codes and who's bathrooms are only a slight upgrade from the port-a-pots that you see at construction sights. Try to keep it clean, DP.

    Check out one of the Womack brother's bars on West 6th street like Molotov. J Black's is another one you might like.

    -MH

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  29. MH, you are correct. My choice of local watering holes--while full of character--is not always conducive to tourists seeking a glitzy time.

    SGIC, Welcome to Austin. Try and stay in town at either the Driskill Hotel or the Stephen F. Austin hotel for an Austin experience. If you're looking to go cheaper, try the Omni on 8th Street. Try Haddingtons, Ranch 616, or Roaring Fork for dinner. Definitely check out Backspace too. Email me off line at dp010835@gmail.com and I'm happy to assist! You'll love it here.

    Oh, and there are many things I'd like to poke at Emily; fun is pretty far down on that list. DP

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  30. Great recap as always! I really liked Jef and I love Rick Astley too. I knew he reminded me of someone and you nailed it. I agree with Derek on Michael, definitely on the wrong show. I’m not a fan of long hair on a guy but he was cute and seemed really sweet. The stupid line that Jackson quoted was from the movie Hitch. Surprising that quoting a cheesy, Hollywood line didn’t land him a rose. If that and his abs are all that he has to offer someone, then I feel sorry for him and any girl he ends up with.

    I normally don’t like the Bachelor/ette by the end of the season. I hope that changes with Emily. I’m glad you’re back and look forward to next week.

    Denise in Alabama

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  31. As usual I have no idea why I'm letting myself get sucked into another season of this terrible show. Are they ever going to make this an hour? 2 is just too much.

    I must say I was pleasantly surprised by Emily, she actually showed a few bursts of personality on Monday. I hope they continue to show that -- not just the sweet/soft/baby doll.

    I really loved Jef -- I'd date him for sure, but Emily won't pick him in the end. Not her style.

    I think Charlie will stick around for a bit in spite of what you think DP, he's got an endearing quality. It's probably enough for top 10.

    Why are there always so many personal trainers on this show? Does anyone really want to date a guy who spends all day at the gym? Not my idea of success. Then again, I guess that's why I'm not on the bachelor looking for 'love.'

    ~EG

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  32. DP - not sure about Jean-Paul being from anywhere in Canada; his bio claims he's from Moraga, CA

    I don't belive the "CA" refers to Canada, ha!

    Thanks for your re-cap..as always, it's hilarious! Dianne

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  33. I totally agree with Harrison being the most excited of the suitors. Interesting...
    A lesbian in a health food store had me snorting my mouthful of water. Randy's whole paragraph had me laughing. So glad to have you back and you delivered yet again.
    ~Cariss

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  34. DP, welcome back (to the bachelor recap). My only comment is what happened to all the cute guys. I am not sure I think any of them would catch my eye. Oh well, I hope this is a good season and Emily does makes good choices and words. Kim, NV

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  35. I'm so surprised by your assessment of Charlie! I LOVED him. He's my #1 pick for sure, followed by Arie and Sean. In my opinion, he's so cute and the best looking one of the bunch (though with the high volume of eye sores they've given Emily to work with, that's not hard), and he's so normal. It seems ridiculous that the guy with traumatic brain injury is just about the most normal one there, but I loved that he was shy and sweet and didn't come up with a cheesy intro gimmick that made me either vomit or hide behind my couch cushions.

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  36. Great job DP!
    after a few seasons off, we are reinstating our Wednesday Bachelorette Recaps and Panty Sale during Lunch.
    Although many think Emily's season should be called Slim Pickings.
    best regards,
    Arlie the Wax Queen in Virginia

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  37. I'm giving you a standing "O"---great job!

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  38. Okay so I know I'm letting my nerd flag fly on this one, but as someone who studied the Classics extensively in undergrad and who went to Latin Convention in high school (I'm not as ashamed as I probably should be), I feel the need to tell you that Elysium is a heaven reserved for war heroes and mortal relatives of the gods, but the gods themselves would be looking down from Olympus.

    You can feel free to mock me relentlessly.

    Gretchen :)

    PS: If I'm wrong and you know something I don't know, I'm not afraid of you correcting me. I can tell you're really well-read, so I know it's a good possibility.

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  39. First time here. Love your recap except for one thing: why are you buying into the Kalon-as-villain scenario? Like nobody on the show was ever in a helicopter before. Heck, they're a main mode of Bachelor(ette) transportation. This subplot is pretty obviously scripted.

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  40. Love the title of the blog! And Arie was my favorite before the show ... he's gonna win. As you so aptly noted, "he’s going to have a real shot at her checkered flag, if you know what I mean."
    Welcome back! I definitely needed a recap ... the first show is usually so confusing as to who is who, but this time it's more like, who did what stupid thing to try and get her attention. Makes it so much easier to identify the guys by matching them up with their bad schtick.

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  41. Thanks for the laughs, Some Guy!! Looking forward to your thoughts throughout the season!

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  42. My top picks for her are Arie, Charley and Ryan. Ryan's intro was the best of the lot! Cute, funny, and charming. He definitely won her over with that bit, and word on the street is he's actually a pretty great guy. He already works with kids, so obviously he likes 'em. I was surprised how much she liked Jef (per her blog). His hair and skateboard entrance would have completely turned me off. It will be interesting to see more of Emily's personality and interests emerge this season. I agree with you on Kalon. Arriving in a helicopter is a bit much (especially thinking it would impress her), but then walking in and rubbing it in everyone's faces....yeah, he's the season jerk!

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  43. Head wound Harry (Charlie) looks like Hunger Games dude. That's all I've got.

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  44. So, as much as I like Charlie, he's an attractive guy who seems to have his sh*t together, but I don't think he's what Emily needs. My husband has TBI, and let me tell you... it is TOUGH!!! He went from a man that was romantic, charming, and as sweet as sugar, to a childish, fight-causing, recluse. It's extremely difficult to live with someone who has TBI. They have sometimes violent mood swings, and they act like a child. Emily doesn't need that. Poor Charlie!

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  45. Solid Hunger Games tie in. Also, solid Internet name, Dixienormous. I'm sure your mother is very proud.

    That One Girl, I hear you on the TBI. I had a college roommate get hit by a car. The recovery was tough for all of us. It gets considerably better over time. Let's hope our friend Charlie doesn't have those issues.

    As far as what "Emily needs," well, I have a few opinions on that. DP

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