Well hello, Readers. Welcome back to those of you who took the Off-Season off and welcome back to those of you who stuck around despite the absence of a bona fide “journey to find love.” I spent most of Monday in deep reflection trying to put my mind in the proper posture for the manufacture of subtle anatomy jokes and my usual brand of adolescent humor. It’s up to you to decide if I was successful.
As always, there are a few ground rules for this
post since it’s the most difficult of the season to get
through. Below is an alphabetical
listing of the “men” enlisted to valiantly attempt to win Emily’s affections
rather than a chronological play by play of the show. I’ll get to my take on our Bachelorette a bit
later in my riveting analysis. Frankly,
I think the only person more excited than me to see Emily last night was
looked like an eighth grader hiding under the bleachers while the cheer leading
squad was sitting above him. At least he’ll
be interested in hosting this season.
He’s snoozed through the last couple.
Now, let’s get to it.
We begin in standard fashion. Emily and the heretofore not so anonymous
Ricki gallivant around various
parks in seasonal attire pretending like the cameras aren’t there. Emily rehashes the horror of her previous
life in addition to generally mentioning a certain former bachelor who she may
have wanted to marry once. Charlotte
Incidentally, our buddy Mr. Womack is now no longer
a resident of
He’s apparently moved to Austin, Texas
in order to oversee the acquisition of a few more bars that he and his
investors have been eyeing for some time.
I’ll certainly miss seeing him at the gym a few times a week and I’m
certain that Axe Body Spray will have to adjust its inventory accordingly. Odds are he’s going to place himself pretty
far away from the television on Monday nights and after seeing the Putz Parade
last night I can’t say that I blame him.
Brad is not a bad guy and I wish him luck. Back to Emily. Houston
After telling us that Brad “showed her lots of
things she didn’t know existed in men” (like giant back tattoos and blatant
commitment issues), Emily shifts gears to the task at hand as she wanders
around her free house, wears her free 30 foot scarf, and rides her free
horse. It’s lonely in
, apparently, and the only cure
available is a nationwide idiot hunt. Charlotte
A rejuvenated Harrison emerges from the soft purple
hue of the mansion lights to recap—yet again—Emily’s on again, off again search
for the right man after the death of her beloved race car driver. I’m certain
has to be sick of that breakdown but he sells it like the finely tuned
professional that he’s proven himself to be.
Incidentally, in light of his pending divorce, I’m certain the prospect
of watching the pettiness unfold over the course of the next 8 weeks is
nauseating to him. Then again, I’m
certain that fat paycheck he’s getting will buy a lot of Pepto Bismol. And thus, we begin.
Aaron, 36, Biology Teacher from
. He shows up in some ridiculous Buddy Holly
glasses and an even more ridiculous line about teaching biology but being there
to see if he has chemistry with Emily.
Much to my chagrin, Aaron got a rose at the end of the show. I suppose he did just enough to survive. If he had been dismissed, I’m certain he
would have high tailed it like a draft dodger back to his home country and
pooted aboot it over a few Moosehead beers.
Congratulations on surviving a poor joke, Aaron. My advice? Erase the chalkboard and start over. Losing those glasses is a good start. He looked like a lesbian working at a health
food store. Nova Scotia
Alejandro, 24, Mushroom Farmer from
Alessandro, 30, Grain Merchant from
Arie, 30, Race Car Driver from the
. I think it’s more evident than Emily’s
prodigious bosom that this guy is going all the way to the Fantasy Suite. Good looking, charming, and low key are
obvious characteristics that will charm the white shorts off Emily and this guy
has all three. Add in the fact that he
was considerate enough to address the “I drive race cars is that ok with you”
issue up front and he’s going to have a real shot at her checkered flag, if you
know what I mean. Let that be a lesson
to douchebags like Kalon who seem to believe that any woman can be wooed with
frivolity. Arie could have gone with the
Formula 1 card but didn’t. Props to him
for keeping his giant ace inside of his pocket.
He got a freaking rose. Netherlands
Brent, 41, Technology Salesman from
Charlie, 32, Recruiter from
. Look, I know this guy had a horrible accident
and suffered a traumatic brain injury.
However, leading with that on a first meeting is probably not a good
idea. It doesn’t help that he shares the
name of the lead character in Flowers for Algernon. If Emily remembers that book from high
school, this guy is sure to be toast. He
got a rose, but my guess is that he’s one step above a producer’s pick. Massachusetts
Chris, 25, Corporate Sales Director from
. He loves Rascal Flatts and took up WAY too
much time with some horsesh*t story about his dad’s advice before he got on the
plane to Illinois . He made up for it in the one on one with the
bobble head bit. That actually worked
but it won’t change the fact that he’s still a Chucklehead. Nice recovery, Chris. Keep it up and I shall root for you. Charlotte
David, 33, Singer/Songwriter from
guy is a Class A Cheese who looks like a poor man’s John Stamos and dresses
like it too. His use of words like
“ineffable” is ineffably annoying and he comes across as a pretentious
putz. He tells us that he doesn’t like
to “toot his own horn” but I was left with the impression that he spends a lot
of time playing with his own horn. Emily
wasn’t buying his act either. No
Rose. I look forward to hearing the song
you write about it on the plane back to your Full House in wherever you store
your thesaurus, David. Charlottesville, VA.
Doug, 33, Charity Director/Real Estate Agent from
likes to hug. He also likes to come out
swinging. Props to him for forcing his
11 year old to take dictation and submit a letter to Emily. She “dug” it and it got him the First
Impression Rose . . . and a hug. Good
for that guy. Seattle, WA
Jean-Paul, 35, Marine Biologist. Canadian who talks like Wayne Gretzky. Cool job and exotic accent aside the guy was boring and Emily knew it. There’s no way he’s headed south of Emily’s Maginot Line He’s oot. Sigh, yet another loss for the French. At least he didn’t surrender. No rose, eh?
Jef, 27, Entrepreneur from
Joe, 27, Field Energy Advisor from
Douchey entrance. He laid it on as thick as peanut butter and
Emily looked extremely uncomfortable.
God bless her muted blond hair and her fantastic little teeth. The least a guy could do is try and contain
himself. My guess is that Joe is
probably a normal guy who will cringe when he watches himself on camera. He managed a middle of the pack rose last
night, but he’ll need to get in early next week and show Emily he can behave
like an adult. Orlando, FL.
John, 30, Data Destruction Specialist from
His friends call him “Wolf.”
Good, because he’ll likely end up alone.
He got a default rose. St. Louis
Kalon, 27, Luxury Brand Consultant from
. So much for proving me wrong. He’s obviously this season’s selected bad guy
and the helicopter entrance solidified the other guys’ hatred of him
early. It’s nice to see that the
producers have chosen to manufacture the villain up front rather than letting
that develop over the first couple of shows.
The guy is an idiot, by the way.
We all know he models himself after Christian Bale in American Psycho
and he’s obviously in the middle of a severe gay panic. I hate him and I’m certain you do too. Let’s hope his story line goes nowhere
quickly. He got a producer’s pick bad
guy rose. Houston,
Kyle, 29, Financial Advisor from
. Leads with this season’s “amazing,” which is
“stunning.” He’s too old to be that
tongue tied but managed a “you’re not as bad as the fools I kicked off”
rose. Man up, Kyle. She’s not looking for unsolicited compliment
after compliment. Emily is into quiet
confidence and the maturity required to set an example for her daughter. To quote my high school basketball coach, “it’s
time to show some sack.” Indeed, you’ll
have to present the aforementioned sack in order to stick around. Long Beach
Lerone, 29, Real Estate Consultant from
. Which one of these things is not like the
others? I waited for Emily to turn to
the off camera help and ask if someone could sign for a delivery when this guy
walked up. He seemed nice enough and I
thought he was one of the better looking guys of the bunch but he was also as
mute as that guy a few seasons ago who liked Mexican food or whatever. He failed to make any sort of
impression. Sadly, Lerone ended up alone. No rose.
Michael, 26, Rehab Consultant from
. Another mute with ridiculous hair who claims
to be a musician from Tahoka,
TX . What happened to Rehab Consultant from
Tahoka? Odd. Incidentally, moving to Austin Austin
and calling yourself a musician is tantamount to moving to and opening a coffee shop. I was surprised this guy got a rose. He pissed me off. Seattle
Nate, 25, Accountant from
I’ll give this guy credit for the least
stupid entrance. He kept it low key and
simple and even drew a “you smell nice” from an obviously curious Emily. I’m certain he was wearing Axe Body
Spray. Props to him for doing his
research. We’ll see if his fantastic
scent and muted demeanor will carry him past the next round. I need an accountant to make it to the
Fantasy Suite so I can try out my “fat finger” jokes. Keep your fat fingers crossed. Scottsdale,
Randy, 30, Marketing Manager from
Russell Crowe look alike who arrived inexplicably dressed like Norman
Bates dressed as Norman Bates’ mother in Psycho. Ironically, he looked even more ridiculous
when he tore off the dress and revealed a lime green shirt and a vest. A clearly horrified Emily feigned amusement
but eventually sent him back to the attic.
His doppelganger quipped in Gladiator, “what we do in life echoes in
eternity.” For Randy’s sake, let’s hope
the gods weren’t watching from Elysium when he pulled that stunt. Oak Creek, Wisconsin
Ryan, 31, Pro Sports Trainer from
Monchichi (remember those?) He got a rose. Whatever.
Sean, 28, Insurance Agent from
. Here’s another guy with a boring career that
kept it simple last night. He showed up,
introduced himself, wrinkled his forehead, and nodded his head affirmatively
when Emily spoke. He shows promise. He earned a rose. Nice work, Sean. Dallas, Texas
Stevie 26, Party MC from
Tony, 31, Lumber Trader from
. He should have led with the six year old son
instead of that foolish Cinderella slipper nonsense. He’s got promise but seemed almost as whiney
and neurotic as Stevie. He should show
Emily his best wood. He barely got a rose. Beaverton, OR
Travis, 30, Advertising Sales Rep. from
honestly can’t believe that the frohawk and the ostrich egg didn’t get in the
way of his last place rose last night.
Look, a rose is a rose, but this guy better ditch the egg and fix the
hair if he wants to stick around. Like
the product of that egg, his entire game is likely to remain flightless. Madison, MS
Well, there it is. With the Journey count at 6 and the Amazing count at a respectable 10 we head into what will likely prove to be an interesting season. Let me say that as much as I fawn over Emily, I do actually like what I see in her as a person. She seems genuine, humble, and dedicated to her daughter. Frankly, I think ABC made it worth her while to go on the “journey” and her daughter is apparently going to be there with her on her trip around the world. That’s an opportunity that she probably couldn’t refuse. I’ll reserve judgment until the season unfolds.
It’s good to be back. I look forward to this season and I’d LOVE to have my comment section overflowing with feedback each week. Certain things keep me going and that’s certainly one of them. Until next week, take care of yourselves. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be tooting my own horn. DP