Emily Episode 1: Fifty Shades of Gay

Well hello, Readers.  Welcome back to those of you who took the Off-Season off and welcome back to those of you who stuck around despite the absence of a bona fide “journey to find love.”  I spent most of Monday in deep reflection trying to put my mind in the proper posture for the manufacture of subtle anatomy jokes and my usual brand of adolescent humor.  It’s up to you to decide if I was successful. 

As always, there are a few ground rules for this post since it’s the most difficult of the season to get through.  Below is an alphabetical listing of the “men” enlisted to valiantly attempt to win Emily’s affections rather than a chronological play by play of the show.  I’ll get to my take on our Bachelorette a bit later in my riveting analysis.  Frankly, I think the only person more excited than me to see Emily last night was Harrison.  He looked like an eighth grader hiding under the bleachers while the cheer leading squad was sitting above him.  At least he’ll be interested in hosting this season.  He’s snoozed through the last couple.  Now, let’s get to it.

We begin in standard fashion.  Emily and the heretofore not so anonymous Ricki gallivant around various Charlotte parks in seasonal attire pretending like the cameras aren’t there.  Emily rehashes the horror of her previous life in addition to generally mentioning a certain former bachelor who she may have wanted to marry once. 

Incidentally, our buddy Mr. Womack is now no longer a resident of Austin, Texas.  He’s apparently moved to Houston in order to oversee the acquisition of a few more bars that he and his investors have been eyeing for some time.  I’ll certainly miss seeing him at the gym a few times a week and I’m certain that Axe Body Spray will have to adjust its inventory accordingly.  Odds are he’s going to place himself pretty far away from the television on Monday nights and after seeing the Putz Parade last night I can’t say that I blame him.  Brad is not a bad guy and I wish him luck.  Back to Emily.

After telling us that Brad “showed her lots of things she didn’t know existed in men” (like giant back tattoos and blatant commitment issues), Emily shifts gears to the task at hand as she wanders around her free house, wears her free 30 foot scarf, and rides her free horse.  It’s lonely in Charlotte, apparently, and the only cure available is a nationwide idiot hunt. 

A rejuvenated Harrison emerges from the soft purple hue of the mansion lights to recap—yet again—Emily’s on again, off again search for the right man after the death of her beloved race car driver.  I’m certain Harrison has to be sick of that breakdown but he sells it like the finely tuned professional that he’s proven himself to be.  Incidentally, in light of his pending divorce, I’m certain the prospect of watching the pettiness unfold over the course of the next 8 weeks is nauseating to him.  Then again, I’m certain that fat paycheck he’s getting will buy a lot of Pepto Bismol.  And thus, we begin.      

Aaron, 36, Biology Teacher from Nova Scotia.  He shows up in some ridiculous Buddy Holly glasses and an even more ridiculous line about teaching biology but being there to see if he has chemistry with Emily.  Much to my chagrin, Aaron got a rose at the end of the show.  I suppose he did just enough to survive.  If he had been dismissed, I’m certain he would have high tailed it like a draft dodger back to his home country and pooted aboot it over a few Moosehead beers.  Congratulations on surviving a poor joke, Aaron.  My advice?  Erase the chalkboard and start over.  Losing those glasses is a good start.  He looked like a lesbian working at a health food store.     

Alejandro, 24, Mushroom Farmer from Columbia.  He arrives to the confused stares of sweet and patient Emily with his diamond stud earrings in place and further confuses her by speaking Spanish and telling her he’s a mushroom farmer.  The guy doesn’t exactly have “step-father” written all over him  . . . in English or in Spanish.  Que lastima, Alejandro.  Oh, and congratulations on choosing to grow what is undoubtedly the least lucrative crop a person can grow in Columbia.  In spite of himself, he got a rose.      

Alessandro, 30, Grain Merchant from Uberlandia, Brazil.  This guy is pretty much the Alejandro of Brazil.  Trade out the earrings for some Bieber hair, substitute mushrooms for grain, and make the switch from Spanish to Portuguese and he’s pretty much the same guy.  Emily looked really uncomfortable either due to the fact that she didn’t understand Portuguese or, more likely, because of his hair cut.  He got a rose.  I was Uber-surprised.     

Arie, 30, Race Car Driver from the Netherlands.  I think it’s more evident than Emily’s prodigious bosom that this guy is going all the way to the Fantasy Suite.  Good looking, charming, and low key are obvious characteristics that will charm the white shorts off Emily and this guy has all three.  Add in the fact that he was considerate enough to address the “I drive race cars is that ok with you” issue up front and he’s going to have a real shot at her checkered flag, if you know what I mean.  Let that be a lesson to douchebags like Kalon who seem to believe that any woman can be wooed with frivolity.  Arie could have gone with the Formula 1 card but didn’t.  Props to him for keeping his giant ace inside of his pocket.  He got a freaking rose.   

Brent, 41, Technology Salesman from Midland, TX.  Nice enough guy with the poor name tag schtick.  She laughed uncomfortably but I think we all know she was unimpressed.  On the up side, Emily wasn’t forced to try and remember his name when she didn’t give him a rose.       

Charlie, 32, Recruiter from Massachusetts.  Look, I know this guy had a horrible accident and suffered a traumatic brain injury.  However, leading with that on a first meeting is probably not a good idea.  It doesn’t help that he shares the name of the lead character in Flowers for Algernon.  If Emily remembers that book from high school, this guy is sure to be toast.  He got a rose, but my guess is that he’s one step above a producer’s pick. 

Chris, 25, Corporate Sales Director from Illinois.  He loves Rascal Flatts and took up WAY too much time with some horsesh*t story about his dad’s advice before he got on the plane to Charlotte.  He made up for it in the one on one with the bobble head bit.  That actually worked but it won’t change the fact that he’s still a Chucklehead.  Nice recovery, Chris.  Keep it up and I shall root for you.     

David, 33, Singer/Songwriter from Charlottesville, VA.  This guy is a Class A Cheese who looks like a poor man’s John Stamos and dresses like it too.  His use of words like “ineffable” is ineffably annoying and he comes across as a pretentious putz.  He tells us that he doesn’t like to “toot his own horn” but I was left with the impression that he spends a lot of time playing with his own horn.  Emily wasn’t buying his act either.  No Rose.  I look forward to hearing the song you write about it on the plane back to your Full House in wherever you store your thesaurus, David. 

Doug, 33, Charity Director/Real Estate Agent from Seattle, WA.  Doug likes to hug.  He also likes to come out swinging.  Props to him for forcing his 11 year old to take dictation and submit a letter to Emily.  She “dug” it and it got him the First Impression Rose . . . and a hug.  Good for that guy.   

Jackson, 29, Fitness Model from Chicago.   Perhaps the biggest idiot in the bunch.  His entrance included a canned line about things in life taking his breath away.  I’m certain he read that on one of the pieces of “artwork” they sell at Bed, Bath, & Beyond right next to the “Live, Laugh, Love” carvings.  Between that and the pink shirt he was batting 1000 in the douche category yet still saw fit to top if off by removing his shirt after he got thrown out and proclaiming “THIS is what she missed.”  Indeed it is, dickhead.  I’m certain she didn’t wake up in a cold sweat and second guess that decision.  Good luck eating your chicken breasts every 4 hours in addition to hitting on every woman within sight.  Have fun at the Hard Rock pool in Vegas this summer.      

Jean-Paul, 35, Marine Biologist.  Canadian who talks like Wayne Gretzky.  Cool job and exotic accent aside the guy was boring and Emily knew it.  There’s no way he’s headed south of Emily’s Maginot Line  He’s oot.  Sigh, yet another loss for the French.  At least he didn’t surrender.  No rose, eh?      

Jef, 27, Entrepreneur from Utah.  Frankly, I’m torn on this one.  The guy wears jean jackets and skinny jeans in addition to riding a skateboard to work and looking like Rick Astley.  His hair is more inflated than Jackson’s ego, yet somehow I liked the guy.  He got a rose.  “Never gonna give you up, Never gonna let you down, Never gonna run around and hurt you.  Never gonna make you cry, Never gonna say goodbye. . .”.       

Joe, 27, Field Energy Advisor from Orlando, FL.  Douchey entrance.  He laid it on as thick as peanut butter and Emily looked extremely uncomfortable.  God bless her muted blond hair and her fantastic little teeth.  The least a guy could do is try and contain himself.  My guess is that Joe is probably a normal guy who will cringe when he watches himself on camera.  He managed a middle of the pack rose last night, but he’ll need to get in early next week and show Emily he can behave like an adult.      

John, 30, Data Destruction Specialist from St. Louis.  His friends call him “Wolf.”  Good, because he’ll likely end up alone.  He got a default rose.         

Kalon, 27, Luxury Brand Consultant from Houston, Texas.  So much for proving me wrong.  He’s obviously this season’s selected bad guy and the helicopter entrance solidified the other guys’ hatred of him early.  It’s nice to see that the producers have chosen to manufacture the villain up front rather than letting that develop over the first couple of shows.  The guy is an idiot, by the way.  We all know he models himself after Christian Bale in American Psycho and he’s obviously in the middle of a severe gay panic.  I hate him and I’m certain you do too.  Let’s hope his story line goes nowhere quickly.  He got a producer’s pick bad guy rose. 

 

Kyle, 29, Financial Advisor from Long Beach.  Leads with this season’s “amazing,” which is “stunning.”  He’s too old to be that tongue tied but managed a “you’re not as bad as the fools I kicked off” rose.  Man up, Kyle.  She’s not looking for unsolicited compliment after compliment.  Emily is into quiet confidence and the maturity required to set an example for her daughter.  To quote my high school basketball coach, “it’s time to show some sack.”  Indeed, you’ll have to present the aforementioned sack in order to stick around.     

Lerone, 29, Real Estate Consultant from Laguna Beach. Which one of these things is not like the others?  I waited for Emily to turn to the off camera help and ask if someone could sign for a delivery when this guy walked up.  He seemed nice enough and I thought he was one of the better looking guys of the bunch but he was also as mute as that guy a few seasons ago who liked Mexican food or whatever.  He failed to make any sort of impression.  Sadly, Lerone ended up alone.  No rose.    

Michael, 26, Rehab Consultant from Tahoka, TX.  Another mute with ridiculous hair who claims to be a musician from Austin.  What happened to Rehab Consultant from Tahoka?  Odd.  Incidentally, moving to Austin and calling yourself a musician is tantamount to moving to Seattle and opening a coffee shop.  I was surprised this guy got a rose.  He pissed me off.        

Nate, 25, Accountant from Scottsdale, AZ.  I’ll give this guy credit for the least stupid entrance.  He kept it low key and simple and even drew a “you smell nice” from an obviously curious Emily.  I’m certain he was wearing Axe Body Spray.  Props to him for doing his research.  We’ll see if his fantastic scent and muted demeanor will carry him past the next round.  I need an accountant to make it to the Fantasy Suite so I can try out my “fat finger” jokes.  Keep your fat fingers crossed.    

Randy, 30, Marketing Manager from Oak Creek, Wisconsin.  Russell Crowe look alike who arrived inexplicably dressed like Norman Bates dressed as Norman Bates’ mother in Psycho.   Ironically, he looked even more ridiculous when he tore off the dress and revealed a lime green shirt and a vest.  A clearly horrified Emily feigned amusement but eventually sent him back to the attic.  His doppelganger quipped in Gladiator, “what we do in life echoes in eternity.”  For Randy’s sake, let’s hope the gods weren’t watching from Elysium when he pulled that stunt.    

Ryan, 31, Pro Sports Trainer from Augusta, GA.  One word:  Monchichi (remember those?)  He got a rose.  Whatever. 

Sean, 28, Insurance Agent from Dallas, Texas.  Here’s another guy with a boring career that kept it simple last night.  He showed up, introduced himself, wrinkled his forehead, and nodded his head affirmatively when Emily spoke.  He shows promise.  He earned a rose.  Nice work, Sean.   

Stevie 26, Party MC from Monroe Township, NJ.  He’s the ying to Kalon’s yang.  He’s an annoying, East Coast cheeseball with a temper.  In other words, he’s the perfect person for Kalon to piss off for a few shows before the producers decide he should go.  His entrance was ridiculous and he reminded me of John Cryer if John Cryer wore Kelly green dress shirts and whined a lot.  He got a rose so he can argue with Kalon for a couple of weeks.    

 

Tony, 31, Lumber Trader from Beaverton, OR.  He should have led with the six year old son instead of that foolish Cinderella slipper nonsense.  He’s got promise but seemed almost as whiney and neurotic as Stevie.  He should show Emily his best wood.  He barely got a rose.       

 

Travis, 30, Advertising Sales Rep. from Madison, MS.  I honestly can’t believe that the frohawk and the ostrich egg didn’t get in the way of his last place rose last night.  Look, a rose is a rose, but this guy better ditch the egg and fix the hair if he wants to stick around.  Like the product of that egg, his entire game is likely to remain flightless.    

Well, there it is.  With the Journey count at 6 and the Amazing count at a respectable 10 we head into what will likely prove to be an interesting season.  Let me say that as much as I fawn over Emily, I do actually like what I see in her as a person.  She seems genuine, humble, and dedicated to her daughter.  Frankly, I think ABC made it worth her while to go on the “journey” and her daughter is apparently going to be there with her on her trip around the world.  That’s an opportunity that she probably couldn’t refuse.  I’ll reserve judgment until the season unfolds. 

It’s good to be back.  I look forward to this season and I’d LOVE to have my comment section overflowing with feedback each week.  Certain things keep me going and that’s certainly one of them.  Until next week, take care of yourselves.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be tooting my own horn.  DP