Thursday, June 7, 2012

Bachelorette Episode 4: Ryan Loves Doug


Hello, Readers.  My tardiness is beginning to become a habit, but then again, so is my creditors’ penchant for sending me bills that have to be paid.  Sometimes I do what I really want to do.  Most of the time, I do what I have to do.  Thanks for being patient and thanks to those of you who sent me encouraging messages.  I won’t bore you with my usual intro fluff in light of the late post.  Let’s get to it. 


We begin with Harrison in an odd purple patterned shirt with solid purple cuffs.  Look, he’s The Man, but even The Man can make a bad shirt choice and he certainly did.  Perhaps he took a few early pops of Bermuda rum before staggering into the hotel gift shop and slapping down the network credit card for that shirt so that one billing cycle from now some accountant in his hovel in the ABC sweatshop could classify that line item as “Bachelorette Host—Wardrobe Expense” thereby relieving Harrison of any perceived financial obligation.  Either that or his soon-to-be ex-wife hates that shirt and never let him leave the house in it. 


Poor shirt choice aside, Harrison tells the v-neck and board short clad potential soon-to-be Emily’s possible fiancé and ultimately maybe her husband hopefuls that there will be a one on one, a group date, and the dreaded two on one date.  Jef rolls up the sleeves of his t-shirt confirming he has no muscles.  Doug and Ryan continue to look like a couple of beefy idiots.  I predict that they'll make out with each other before the season is over.  There's simply too much macho tension there. 

Upon finding out about the impending trip to Bermuda, the testosterone filled bunch takes a moment to touch tips (Google it) before wooo hoooing their way back to the community bedroom like a sexually charged bunch of Bonobo chimps and packing additional v-necks and board shorts for the trip.   


Emily moms it up on the beach.  Nice work negotiating the free trip for your daughter, by the way.  Say what you want, but whoever she hired to strike whatever deal she got to be on the show did a pretty f*cking good job striking it.  I assume she locked up the free keys to her free Tahoe in her free house before leaving on her free trip with Little Ricki and heading to the beach . . . for free.  Emily silently thumbs her nose at Ali by dressing Little Ricki in yellow.  She regurgitates snippets from the “Fun Facts about Bermuda” brochure she found tucked into the right pocket of the itinerary folder she was handed prior to the trip.


The guys arrive in their travel v-necks looking like a bunch of homosexual Hell’s Angels on scooters.  They park at the Tucker’s Point resort and engage in some more tip touching while “bro-ing” each other uncontrollably.  The Date Card arrives and Arie reads it.  "Doug, Let’s let our senses lead the way."  Doug attempts to restrain his excitement much like his tiny black v-neck t-shirt attempts to restrain his overall beefiness.  Ryan opts for a gray shirt, which, let’s face it, is a shade of black and Arie drops a classic “I really want the football team to disband” line that might as well have been stolen from the head of Yours Truly.    


A heretofore hugless Doug takes off his black v-neck in favor of an identically fitting blue one as the men take the “bro-ing” each other to a completely different level of annoying.  In a rare candid moment we get a great segment of Doug getting his HGH shrunken balls busted by the men and a small glimpse of an obvious anger problem lurking just beneath Doug’s thin cotton v-neck.  That will rear its ugly head sooner than later, but Doug manages to keep it in check long enough for Emily and her maxi dress to arrive in time to intercede in the aforementioned ball busting.  Delivering yet again, Arie refers to Doug as the Hulk and includes a masterful impression of him. 


Look, I know Arie and his odd Scandinavian surname got some bad press this week, but the guy is killing it on this show so far.  He’s not out of putz range yet, but he certainly demonstrated an intellect sharper than some of the idiots who rely solely upon the stuff in their t-shirts than the stuff between their ears. 


Again, I don’t trust Doug but I can’t yet tell you why.  Perhaps he’s simply not likeable or perhaps he does have a latent issue waiting to erupt.  Regardless, he pretends to love shopping for glass figurines and perfume with Emily before hitting the church steps and laying it on thicker than whatever product makes Ryan’s hair look like Ryan’s hair about his kid, his charity, and his overflowing wonderfulness.  Whatever.  The last time we heard that "too perfect" garbage from a contestant on this show was when the Douchebag from Denton uttered it in episode one of his laborious season.  We all know how that turned out.   


Emily seems sufficiently impressed but (pay attention ladies) does not eat it up before melting into an indiscriminant giggling fit like every Bachelorette in recent memory would have done.  You wonder what I see in her besides her white shorts?  This is part of it.  She’s got a level head--it appears--and she’s not easily swayed by bullshit attempts to snow her over.  We saw a lot more of that this week as she rebuffed Ryan’s idiotic attempts at whatever it was he was attempting to convey.  Incidentally, that’s a big reason why wimps like Jef will always have a shot with her.  Sincerity and a humble tone obviously go far with her and while it’s probably not impossible to fool her—no one is immune from that—she’s not going to depants herself for the first guy who starts a kid’s charity or used to play “pro” football. 


Doug masks whatever problem we’ll find out about in an upcoming episode by saying he has “bad days.”  They fake write a postcard to Doug’s son, Austin. 


"Dear Austin, I’m the MILF your dad left you to chase around for 8 weeks while you stay behind and try to play catch with yourself.  I was smart enough to get the network to pay for my daughter, Little Ricki, to come on this great around the world trip with me and she gets to sit around in a Caribbean hotel room with an overly permissive caretaker and eat chocolate and cotton candy all day.  Anyways, I’ll remind your dad to pick you up a toy replica of a 747 at the airport when his anger gets the best of him and I’m forced to send him back home.  Love, Emily."


Alright, it’s an unusually large post card and Emily has uncharacteristically small handwriting and immaculate penmanship.  Poetic license.  Sue me.  Emily probably dots her i’s with hearts.   


Dinner with Doug.  Emily confirms what I believe I’ve seen and says she feels like he's hiding something. She goes with the "similar to Brad" card.  Look out.  We assume she wasn't referring to the preponderance of Axe Body spray emanating from the cotton pores of his tight v-neck undershirt.  Doug attempts to duck his way out of some legitimate questions and Emily doesn’t give up.  Again, I was impressed with her persistence.  Nice work, Emily.  Finally, a Bachelorette with her head out of her ass, I thought.   She's clearly not buying it, but eventually lets Doug up for air.   "I'm just a guy.  I'm not a genius."  I'm just Doug.”  Fair enough, Schmuck.  Emily relents, let's him off the mat, and gives him the "It's not time for you to leave yet" rose.  Putz.


Doug fumbles the ball on the goal line in the waning seconds of the Superbowl by failing to move in for the kiss.  To top that off he tells her that he hasn’t kissed anyone in months (Ryan obviously doesn’t count) and then he refers to himself in the third person, which is exactly what Arie did when he mocked him.  Weak finish, Doug.  Hell, I felt like giving the guy a hug. 
 

Knock Knock.  The Group Date Card arrives and Travis whines like a sissy.  How is that guy still around?  The whole egg thing should have spelled the end for him.  "Let's set sail on the sea of Love" it reads and  Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis, and Kalon are left to ponder the cryptic message while accountant Nate does the math postulating that Alejandro, Wolf, and Silent Michael are left to stew over the dreaded two on one. 


Group Date.  Emily awaits the arrival of the men wearing an incredibly feminine sweater.  Kalon shows up in an even more feminine sweater.  Kalon is “in his element” on a sailboat and Ryan wishes a shirtless football game was on the agenda.  Some middle aged guy gives the men rudimentary sailing lessons and we learn the winners of the Douchebag Regatta will enjoy the company of Emily while the losers will cry all the way home like every child's little toe after This Little Piggy. 


It’s yellow t-shirts vs. red t-shirts as most of the men lament the lack of a v-neck.  There’s another Bonobo moment or two and Jef vows he’s never gonna give her up, never gonna let her down, never gonna run around.  He’s simply going to put his lack of muscles to use in the regatta.   He’d have been better off using his hair as a wind foil, but bless him for trying.  Accounting wiz Nate looked confused when one of the guys vowed to “give 1000%” in his quest to win for Emily.  Nate is keenly aware that 100% is, by definition, the maximum amount of effort that can be put forward.  He restrains the urge to correct the glaring error but notes that an audit watch is warranted in the future. 


Emily echoes what most of us were thinking after the d*ck measuring contest began:  She hates watching guys compete.  Amen, Emily.  Ryan feels out of place in yellow and longs for black as Emily awaits the results of the ridiculous regatta alone on the shore.  She should have hightailed it to the local beach bar and knocked back a few pops with Harrison and his purple cuffs.  Yellow wins, Red loses. 


Arie, Jef, Kalon, and Ryan get the prize and the losers ride home in silence until Charlie, overcome with the heart wrenching realization that he’s going to be forced to return to a free luxury suite in Bermuda with no responsibilities and a full bar awaiting him, bursts into silent tears. 


Far be it from me to make light of a brain injury, but for those of us who have been close to a person who’s suffered one, it is literally like someone took a giant magnifying glass and put it on every personality trait that person has.  Emotions run very high and often in extremes.  I couldn’t help but wonder if that’s what we were witnessing with Charlie.  Look, he seems like a nice enough guy, but perhaps he needs a little more time to recover before being thrown into unfamiliar, emotionally charged situations in front of a camera.  Just a thought.    


Speaking of people with brain issues, Ryan has the balls to refer to Emily as “a trophy wife” when kicking off the cocktail party with a toast.  The look on Emily’s face was priceless and the other guys wisely distanced themselves while secretly grinning from ear lobe to ear lobe inside.  What. A. Tool. 


Arie gets first one on one on the beach under the blanket and wastes zero time making it count.  He wisely goes with "I missed you," instead of whining about indecision or kissing her ass with hackneyed compliments and aww shucks deprecation.  From his long, thoughtful pauses, wrinkled brow in show of interest, and his liberal use of non-sexual physical touch, this guy gets it done under the white blanket.  He's clearly brushed up on his Love Languages.  THAT’s how you take advantage of alone time, boys.  Arie lays it on thick without smothering her in affection and caps it off with early and often kisses.  Stuff that in your v-neck and smoke it, “If Doug wants a kiss Doug will wait for a kiss.” 


Jef gets some time under the blanket and does little more than look like Woody Woodpecker as his hair gel succumbs to the Bermuda wind.  He opens up to Emily in a low key way but she was likely distracted by Arie’s lingering pheromones still seeping from the white blanket.  He too missed an obvious invitation for a kiss.  Bummer, Jef.    


After more whining at the house we get to Ryan who has clearly and unequivocally distinguished himself as this season’s biggest jerk.  Please tell me that the vast majority of women wouldn’t buy the load of crap he attempted (unsuccessfully, I might point out) to spoon feed Emily.  She’s been “given a great deal of responsibility,” “I have a mature approach,” “I have a lot of depth,” “I’m not here to impress you but to make an impression on you.”  Give me a break. 


Look, I’m sorry his “pro” football career is over and he’s now relegated to charging chubby, insecure women fifty bucks for a 40 minute session of doing sit ups on that giant rubber ball thing before walking 15 minutes on the treadmill and going some “core work” at the local 24 Hour Fitness but the attempt at overcompensation is beyond comprehension.  That entire speech was more canned than Jef's giant bottle of White Rain hairspray and more rehearsed than a Jabberwocky matinee (remember those guys?). 


The absolute best part—well, there were several best parts—was Emily’s complete and utter disregard for his entire act.  Is he really ignorant enough to believe that a girl who looks like her has never been unabashedly hit on by 100 idiots exactly like him in the past?  Apparently so.  She doesn't buy it and if you look close enough you can see her trying not to laugh.  She drops a crushing "You're very interesting" Translation:  You're a putz.  Then she stands her ground and goes at him.  Good for her.  It’s the same garbage that Bentley fed to Ashley last season except Ashley was too dumb to do anything but swoon over it.  Props to Emily for knowing better.  For those of you Emily haters out there, give credit where it’s due.  That little bit has probably been working for Ryan for longer than he’s been wearing black v-necks.    


He's so used to apple-tini soaked twenty somethings in Atlanta bars buying that line of crap he was literally out of options when it didn’t work.  I half expected him to take off his shirt like that guy on the first episode whose job was also teaching girls how to lift weights.  He tops the whole thing off with a transparent speech about using her “power” to influence women when what he really meant was “I’m a jealous fool who can’t stand to lose.”  Emily rightfully points out the double standard and successfully fights the urge to tell him to go F himself.  Let’s hope he’s the guy ordered to “get the f*ck out” next week. 


The Date Rose goes to Jef, who paid for it with a tacking and jibing hand injury aboard the S.S. Cheeseball.  Hell, he deserved it.  He humbly accepts it and the date ends as it should.  Ryan goes home to explore the “depth” of his rectum with his head.


Two on One Date


They need to take this date out behind the shed and put it out of its misery.  It’s a good idea in theory but it makes for horrible television—well, even more horrible than we usually see in this time slot on this particular network.  Besides, I actually like both of the  guys selected but wanted Wolf to win solely because of the Louis Vuitton luggage comment.   Nate claims to have a "fun outgoing side" but I think it was clear before the date started that he’d idled in the garage way too long to capture Emily’s attention.  Wolf might have started in the same boat (no pun intended) but the guy is funny enough to get her giggling on the first date and do enough to stick around. 


The hotel-stuck bros take an informal vote and agree on John coming back based on his age.  Chris, who’s 25 and walked right into that producer planted discussion, disagrees.  Tension fills the air and Chris and Doug square off.  Stupid.


In the meantime, Emily vows to keep an “open mind” about the date.  Translation:  I don't know either of these mutes because they haven't said a word to me.  The first one out of the gate wins.  She likely forgot that Michael was a contestant on the show.  She probably thought he was in the room delivering towels and hand lotion.


They go cliff diving.  That’s it.  When the only usable footage from an all day yacht date at sea in Bermuda is a far off shot of a cliff dive you can imagine how boring that date actually was.  Painful.


Emily dons her white pants which I was glad to see because I hypothesized that the white shorts she wore on Brad’s season got their start that way.  I prayed the same fate awaited her current pair of white pants. 


The go to a cave for dinner and each guy fails to make phallic jokes about Stalactites vs. Stalagmites.  I, for one, was disappointed. Emily does her best to manage the awkwardness, but the deck was stacked against her.  On a bright note, she complimented her white pants with a silky green blouse that looked nice.  Sure, it wasn’t as nice as the silky coral blouse that Nate chose to compliment his Sperry topsider, cuffed jeans, and beige sport coat ensemble, but it worked nonetheless.  He looked like he was headed to play shuffleboard on the lido deck. 


I’ll skip the details here and let you know that Nate was ultimately sent packing and Wolf respectfully took the victory in stride.  Nate was gracious and I’m certain he’ll score some hotties at the local sports bar in his hometown during the first “radio remote” he’s invited to do by K whatever 93 point whatever with Fast Eddy and The Boner in the morning.  The crying about whatever he cried about during his one on one with Emily was a nice touch too.  Safe travels, Nate.   


Before cocktail time, it’s Little Ricki time.  Emily goes over Little Ricki’s school lessons and makes sure she’s studying her “Sight Words.”  For those of you who are unfamiliar with the state of elementary education, “sight words” are short, often common words that children are drilled on in order to commit to memory so as to make reading easier.  “The,” “Of,” “Stop,” “And,” are examples.  I’m sure Little Ricki’s were a tad different however. 


Sight words for Little Ricki:  Loser, Rose, Stepdad, Free trip, Trust Fund, and Monchichi likely made her list.  Emily blows kisses on her way out the door as “Miss Nina,” the overly permissive nanny, fires up the chocolate milk spiked with Rum in a sippy cup before spanking a big fat nasty filled with Bermuda’s finest weed. 


Ryan bathes in overconfidence like Womack bathes in Axe Body Spray.  That never gets old, and even if it does, I won't abandon my theory that Womack loves Axe Body Spray.  I literally smell it every time I see him in the distance.  I'm like some sort of twisted Pavlov's dog.  Annyyhooo...  Emily goes with the white pantsuit with an array of beads and Kalon breaks out the lesbian glasses.  I assume he had an array of luxury brand beads tucked strategically beneath his luxury brand blazer.  He’s a luxury brand as*hole.    


Alejandro realizes that mushrooms are probably legal in Bermuda and moves in to seize his opportunidad con la chica bonita, Emily.  Again, this guy is about as much of a stepfather as Jef is a body builder.  He gives Emily the hard sell.  She all but tells him,  "You're safe dude.  You're a putz but not the biggest one here."


Jef wears--appropriately enough--Bermuda shorts but caps off the ensemble with light blue knee socks.  You know what?  Good for that guy.  If you're going to bust out ridiculous regionally appropriate attire like that it might as well be when you have a Safety Rose.  He owned the blue socks and unapologetically sipped his beverage.  Nice work, Jef.    


More one on one with Ryan and the only thing I’ll say about it is that he’s officially moved from a front runner to sexist pig to a downright creepy jerk with a passion for black v-necks and his own reflection.  Emily was CLEARLY uncomfortable.  She was so happy to see Arie "steal her away" she barely contained it.  She jumped out of her chair as if someone goosed her. 


I tried really hard to see who was talking to Emily at this point but ABC was definitely skimping on the mood lighting this episode.  Perhaps all of the blue and purple neon was being utilized in Harrison's suite. 


Ryan sinks further into denial and the ABC cameras are all too happy to watch him go there.  He’s being set up in a huge way and, frankly, the guy deserves it.  Michael finally talks.  Ryan tells him that he feels like he's been "called to something bigger" like The Bachelor.  Give me a break.  What an asshole.   


The rain comes in.  That's God telling Ryan he's a chach, I thought.  Sean gets some one on one.  Etc., etc., etc.  Yul Brenner movie lines aside,  I can't believe no one went with pirate jokes in Bermuda.  Sean strategically goes with "how would Ricki handle marriage?”  Nice work.  He, like Wolf, was a slow starter but he’s better looking so he gets more leeway.  He’s come on strong lately and I see him passing a couple horses on the third turn.  Perhas he’s headed toward the Fantasy Suite.  He moved in for a terrible kiss, but at least he got one.  “When Doug wants a kiss, Doug waits for a kiss.”  He was still waiting while she was kissing Sean.    


Doug whines to Ryan.  They talk about kissing "when we were younger."  Chris gets some one on one.  House drama talk.  As vague as it can get.  Chris pulls Doug aside to discuss the age issue.  Mano a mano session.  Doug drops a "calm down" and Chris takes the bait.  "What are you hiding?"  Chris unloads to the fake thunder and lightening.  Choppy recap, yes. But that was painful to watch and type.  Forgive me.    


Harrison FINALLY shows up dressed like The Transporter with the ubiquitous champagne glass and butter knife.     


For the first time in as long as I can recall we dust off the ole head shot examination and one on one with Harrison in the Lair of Seclusion. Harrison stirs the pot as only he can.  It’s clear that he likes Emily.  That hasn’t been the case since Jillian’s season and it was nice to see him engage her.  Harrison laughs heartily at the "maybe he's just that not into me" comment Emily made about Jef and presses her on Arie.  Harrison is money. 


She’s not sure about Charlie and Travis, doubts Alejandro can be a dad, and knows Ryan is a manipulative meathead.  Again, say what you want about the veneers and the boobs but she appears to have these guys pegged.  Again, everyone is vulnerable when love starts to creep in, but she’s doing her due diligence and she’s doing it well.  Harrison is so excited to have an intellect rather than an empty cocktail dress sitting across from him.  They adjourn and the Rose Ceremony begins in earnest. 


ROSE CEREMONY  


Roses



1.         Jeff

2.         John

3.         Doug

4.         Sean    

5.         Arie

6.         Travis (he’s harmless but won’t last another week)

7.         Chris

8.         Ryan (weak, but he’s a producer’s pawn at this point)

9.         Kalon (kept his condescending mouth shut this week)

10.       Alejandro
 

Home.


1.         Charlie (Harrison actually dropped a “Sorry, Charlie”)

2.         Michael (No date, no dialogue, no nothing)


Well, there it is.  With the Amazing count at 25 and the Journey count at 7 we head into next week.  Take care of yourselves.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be touching tips with my bros. 



DP






44 comments:

  1. Fabulous recap as always - and worth the wait!

    Ryan I think is a controlling a*shole. He also said something about it being his responsibility to mold her behavior and teach her how to act appropriately. I was thrilled to hear her say she sees through him!

    Love the "He was still waiting while she was kissing Sean" line! :-)

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  2. Loving the recaps this season!! Sincerely hope I don't get pegged by IT for looking up touching tips on urban dictionary.

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  3. DP, you have done a fantastic job seeing right through Ryan, what a self absorbed A**hole. You had so many funny lines this week, yet the best part of the recap was your analysis of Ryan. Doesn't he realize how transparent he is? As you said, maybe he is used to lots of girls swooning at his cheesy lines. Good for Emily not to be snowed by his B.S.
    The blog was worth the wait.

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  4. Great assessment of all the guys! Can't stand Doug's cheesy lines or Ryan's pompous, self-inflated ego. I think Jef was just showcasing his quirky humor with that outfit--and I can appreciate that! :) I heart Arie. Swoooon!!!

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  5. It's rare that I have a visceral reaction to anyone on this show. Jake and Ryan are execeptions to that rule. Thanks for reading and commenting so quickly. Y'all must be hard up for time wasters today! DP

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  6. My favorites this week:
    -Homosexual Hell's Angels on scooters
    -S.S. Cheeseball
    -Fast Eddy and the Boner
    -Luxury brand a**hole (although we didn't hear
    a peep from him this week)
    -The word chach. It just never gets old.

    See you next week!

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  7. LOVED your entire recap, Some Guy !! I so look forward to reading it each week. You & Lincee rock !

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  8. Kelly--I totes agree with your fave lines this week, but add to that, "Ryan goes home to explore the "depths" of his rectum with his head".

    Thank you, Some Guy! So worth the wait!
    Ryan just creeps me out more by the minute. This week he reminds me of Robert DeNiro's crazy character in Cape Fear. Yikes.

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  9. Anon, Max Katy is the Cape Fear guy. Let's hope Ryan shares the same fate. Nice North Carolina tie in, by the way.

    Kelly, you have no idea how thrilled I am that you loved my generic morning radio show title character smack. That warms my cockles...and we all know how much I love my cockle warmed...

    DP

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  10. Too funny and I second the "worth the wait" comment! I seriously checked your site several(and by several I mean many) times yesterday and today!
    Yeah Ryan is one of those arrogant a**holes that truly deserves to be taken down a notch or three...but the crappy thing is, those kinds of guys don't learn from set backs because it doesn't fit with their inner beliefabout themselves. He will end up alone in his 60's wearing those sad t shirts long after he ceases to look good in them...dating worn out cocktail waitresses and still lying to himself. Pat

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  11. Pat, if the steriod and supplement abuse doesn't lead to congenital heart failure and PAD by the age of 50, I'll agree. Oh, and I've known a few worn out cocktail waitresses who were quite a bit of fun. Point taken, though. Thanks for playing along! DP

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  12. Yeah, I know cocktail waitresses are people too! I didn't mean it personally to any of your readers who wait tables...Have done that myself :) You left out gynomastia as a side effect :)Pat

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  13. Homosexual Hell's Angels on scooters is my favorite line from the past couple seasons. Nice work.

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  14. Your comments about Ryan and ever-so-perfect-Arie were dead on. But my favorite part of this week's episode was Arie impersonating Doug as The Hulk. It was genius. Arie's character development over 4 episodes is magnificent. I love Arie.

    Regarding Ryan, I was watching Beauty and the Beast the other day (blame it on my inner child) and seeing the thick-necked, ego-centric Gaston character also made me immediately think of Ryan who is obvlious to the fact that real women - smart women - see right through his arrogant attempts to woo them. What a tool.

    Love your writing as always! It was definitely worth the wait. :)

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  15. probably going to have to steal "douchebag regatta" and use it daily and in non-sailing contexts because it's AMAZING. i'm still laughing. nice work, dp.

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  16. Always worth the wait DP. I liked the white pants/white shorts comments, love it when you bring back the old stuff. That white pantsuit was awful though.

    In the spirit of mocking the Bachelor/ette every season, can we discuss how Emily does not seem to have a job?

    And up for further (gossip-, but not spoiler-related) discussion:
    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2155733/The-Bachelorettes-Emily-Maynard-faces-accusations-diva-antics-social-climbing.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

    Emily's "diva-like attitude"!

    Thanks for the laughs :)

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  17. I’m proud to say that I do not buy anything that comes out of Ryan’s mouth and never have. He creeps me out! While I don’t care for Kalon either, to me, Ryan is worse. At least Kalon lets you know upfront he’s a prick and could care less if you like him. Ryan thinks he being charming but it comes off as a sleazy salesman with a huge dose of arrogant jerkoff, in my opinion.

    I was tempted to Google touching tips but decided I had a pretty good idea what that meant. Pretty funny! I loved the fake postcard, the Douchebag Regatta and the sight words for little Ricki.

    Your recaps this season are awesome and definitely worth the wait! I can’t imagine why the people we work for don’t understand that this much more important. I hope that the rest of this week goes smoothly for you and you have a restful weekend!

    Denise in Alabama

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  18. I dont get that eveyone is creeped out by Ryan. I think he is a riot! I have decided to believe that he figured out Emily on his first date and knew the score as far as sticking aound. Only those who create drama or love get to travel. Ryan is a hoot!
    "Sincerity and a humble tone obviously go far with her" As long as you add a BIG BIG bank account. And by-the-way, her i's are dotted with lightning bolts not hearts. Beware. Add creepy laugh!
    Natalie in NC

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  19. DP, thanks for the great recap! It's beginning to be pretty obvious that what's lurking under the surface with Doug is his temper...he showed it a little this week...and he definitely reminded me of Brad and his "don't poke the bear" ways. Also Doug's just creepy! Time for him, Ryan and Travis to go and for the front runners to emerge!!!

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  20. Hilarious as always, DP. You continue to take it way too easy on Emily though as her white pantsuit was AWFUL and it is clear that she's in why-doesn't-he-like-me-this-makes-me-love-him mode with One F Jef. I agree with you that she is not as dim as most of the "stars" of our beloved franchise (giving credit where it's due) but she definitely still has her not-so-shiny moments that have classic DP one-liner potential. Are you addicted to the kool-aid?

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  21. Love the recap! Certainly worth the wait!

    I agree that Ryan has gone from frontrunner to jerk! I knew after last week that he wasn't there "for the right reasons"! I like Arie but I'm not completely sold on him. Sean and Chris are my faves.

    This season is much more enjoyable to watch than recent seasons. I love that Emily is not taking any BS and that she asks tough questions! Cannot wait to see who calls Ricki baggage. I'm thinking it could be Kalon or Ryan.

    Thanks for a good laugh today!

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  22. Okay, I HAD to google "touch tips"

    Really? Guys DO that? That's disturbing...

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  23. Honeygirl, "Touch tips" is more of a macho metaphor for guys showing way too much affection for each other in a testosterone filled moment. It's sort of gay but not really. It's the equivalent of girls jumping up and down, squealing, and hugging each other when Oprah announces that the audience gets a free whatever.

    Anon, I'm not drinking the Kool-Aid but I do like Emily. I tend to agree that a large bank account is perhaps a prereq; however, she appears to have that category locked up with the Hendricks family bloodline at issue. I don't find her selfish or shallow in that regard. Very few of us wouldn't take the same deal under those circumstances. She appears to be a good mother who isn't simply milking the situation. By the way, if ABC offered me $250K for 8 weeks on a beach and unlimited access to my child, I'd take it too. Let's not kid ourselves. Points well taken, though. I'll work on taking more jabs in her direction. DP

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  24. The Woody Woodpecker comment was priceless. That hair has got to go.

    Worth the wait!

    Cindy Stewart

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  25. Natalie, I respectfully disagree. Ryan doesn't strike me as that clever. He's simply a self-absorbed chach in my estimation. Time will tell, I suppose. DP

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  26. Nice Love Languages reference. When Ryan wrote Emily that 7 page letter a couple episodes ago it became clear that "words of affirmation" is not her preference. I agree that she seems like more of a "physical touch" or perhaps "receiving gifts" kind of girl.

    I'm not sure why I'm so fond of Jef, given that he hasn't said or done much, but he seems more sincere than most of the other guys there. My guess for the final four: Sean, Arie, Jef, and Doug. Is it strange that I'm really looking forward to seeing how she handles the fantasy suites?

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  27. I think Ari reminds me of Ed from Jillian's season. Only Ari is way sexier! I just finished laughing out loud at work while reading this weeks post, thanks so much Some Guy, sooooo witty :):):):):)

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  28. I think you are dead on with your assessment of Emily, I like her too. She's able to see through these guys, and for the first time in Bachelor/ette history, I finally believe one of them when they say they have a "6th sense". I think she was realizing there was something not right with Doug when he defensively turned the tables on her and she 2nd guessed herself. She's a sweet, smart southern Lady and good for her for negotiating what she's worth.
    There's a really great deleted scene with one F Jef that juts came out--same idea, out on the beach in the moonlight, awkward silence as she gives him the big "come kiss me eyes" then him squeaking out a "so...should we head back?". Again, just makes her like him more (she's said before she likes a bit of a chase too). What stood out to me though was his commenting to the camera that he hadn't kissed her yet because he's a wuss (such humility to admit that), then also that he's holding back to lay a good foundation because he wants to marry his best friend, and he sees that Emily could be that. Have to say, as funny as Arie is (he had me rolling with the "Doug Saddddd!" comment), Arie goes in for the kill much too quick. He's got Emily swooning now, but she's smart enough to be open to any of the guys, and if Arie doesn't get some more substance with her, he's not going to win her over.
    K, those are my thoughts, like your recaps this season, seems you are enjoying the show a bit more (didn't see you post that you'd finished off another Lone Star once this blog ;). 'Til next week
    -a Fellow Texan

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  29. Having finally left the safe confines of NC, I thought we'd see much less of Little Ricki. (Heard that name so much the first few weeks I thought I was watching I Love Lucy re-runs.)

    But her appearance this week was well worth it for your "sight words." That paragraph wins quip of the week for me, DP! Given the previews, I think chach will make the list next week, don't you?

    I agree that it is refreshing to see Emily posing tough questions over dinner and seeing through Ryan's schtick. I hope she can maintain her equilibrium and do the same to/with the guys she seems most attracted to (Arie, Sean, Jef, Chris).

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  30. It's come out that One F Jef is BFF's with Michele Money's brother. The brother called Emily before filming to put in a good word for Jef. Besides his humble demeanor, it might be why she's giving him a bit more time of day than the other slow movers in the group...

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  31. One of my favorite from Gladiator, when Maximus asked Cicero if he found it hard to do his duty and Cicero said, "Sometimes I do what I want to do, other times I do what I have to do." Ergo, a job must take priority, but (for the hundredth time, your blog was Worth.The.Wait. You must ou must be getting sick of hearing things like this, but I (who have never been known for having an original thought in my head, thought it apropos anyhoo.

    But even you seem to have outdone yourself this time. There were far too many gems to even attempt. I have managed to glean a fraction of them: I loved (most of it having to do with narcissist Ryan or course):
    1. Your Bonobo Chimp quips.
    2. Ryan lamenting his lack of a black V-necked shirt.
    3. "...oportunidad con la chica bonita..." (Ole, DP)
    4. Douchebag Regatta.
    5. What.A.Tool (simply but succinctly put to a putz).
    Most sadly, however, that he still got a rose. I suspect Emily's got something up her sleeve--she's really planning a fabulous denouement for Ryan, pardon my French, don't you think? And I swear I saw Kalon getting the axe in next week's preview, no glasses (guess he is afraid she'll whack him one and break them!).Ryan did have some higher ass-spirations for himself. If all he wants is a trophy wife, he too should GTF out as well! But heavens to Murgatroid, DP! Not Ryan as Bachelor! Since he makes your stomach turn, it would be a most thankless task blogging on that A-hole! If he does (which I doubt seriously), you will be on him like a flock of Rugby players on a badminton player.

    Hasta la vista...M Hussy

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  32. Too late! I noticed my parentheses are not always closed, sorry. Hope you don't mind. I get too hopped up when opining like this. M. Hussy

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  33. Awesome recap. Loved the sight words & nanny smoking weed part, and saying Harrison is money. Because he is. And so are you.

    I think I'm the only person who does not find Arie attractive at all. I liked when he made fun of Doug, but that's it. I don't see what the big deal is. Plus, he's a racecar driver and Emily's already been there done him. I'm rooting for Jef, but would bet it's Sean in the end.

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  34. I am a regular, ordinary girl with average looks, and I don't think I would date any of the men on this show. So how are we to believe that Emily can pick a winner among this bunch? She wants a person to come make a life with her in Charlotte. That means the guy will have to move, leave whatever job he has (unless it is portable), and try to find unemployment in and around the Charlotte area. She also wants someone who will take the stress off her life and take charge - be the man. Well what man who leave his job and moves to Charlotte will be able to take the stress off her life? I don't see her finding anyone on this reality show. Oh, also I liked your Woody Woodpecker comment and the comment about the mopeds. I don't give Emily a huge round of applause for seeing through these guys. It is easy to see through them. Ashley fell for Bentley because she was highly attracted to him. Ryan is not attractive, so he doesn't have that going for him.

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  35. Guy, I've been reading for years and love your recaps. But I did want to point out that Arie is Dutch, not Scandinavian. I married a Dutchman, and they are all very fine specimens.

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  36. This recap was perfection!! At one point I stopped reading just to laugh about Little Ricki's sight words. Now I didn't laugh as hard as I did the first time I read about your friend going poo in the pool, on command, but I did stop reading just to enjoy the laugh. That is talent my friend!! "Keep on keepin' on and I will see YOU after the bell!"... that's what my middle school music teacher would say when we talked and laughed too much in class.

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  37. While I'm starting to respect Emily more for seeing thru the schtick of some of the guys, I can't fathom how she could keep them around KNOWING that! Guess Brad left her lonely for a narcissistic jerk to hang out with? I don't find Arie the least bit attractive, but his personality makes him WAY better looking than Ryan! Still tho... it's a crying shame Alessandro turned out to be looney tunes - for those who wondered how she got into combat boots with her gown, go google it - he thinks he's a vamprire detective (for real), and brought her to the woods & a tree filled with crosses. He had the best smile in the house too. I could recommend inserting "douche" in place of a few names, but then we'd never be able to tell who was who. Doug has to mind his temper - he was already arrested & went thru therapy for it (which would explain the whole insane control over it - being taught/told how to do it helps lol). Has anyone else been wondering where his neck went to? =\

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  38. Mrs. M in MI, I apologize for my geography error. I thought he was from Finland. I once had a Dutch architect who literally wore a wooden bowtie every time I saw him. Odd.

    Anon, interesting point about falling for someone's BS because he's attractive. I think I've made a similar point. I agree. Once feelings get involved it's a lot harder to be objective. DP

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  39. I'm probably going to upset a few people here, but I've got to call it like I see it. Arie is a joke. I love the way he makes his "hulk" comments about Doug once he is out of the room. He is a frail coward who finds it easier to speak badly about someone when they are not around. Just like I thought Ryan looked insecure for calling Arie a daintly man last week, I find guys like Arie just as weak when they make fun of anyone who is physically more imposing than they are. It's they only way he knows how to try and compensate for his relativley frail physique. Both type of guys like Arie and Ryan are clowns. Ryan because he is not much more then 5'6" has little man's syndrome and Arie because he is scared of most men and secretly hates himself for having the body of a female college soccer player

    I hope both of these losers get voted off the next show. I like Jef and I'm pulling for him to go all the way. If it comes down to a fantasy suite showdown between Jef, Ryan and Arie....my money is on Jef. Ryan would be too selfish in bed to make any lasting impression and Arie would probably cry after having sex or insist on having the lights turned off. All of which will leave Emily with doubts. I thihk Jef would be that guy with just the right amount of charm and wit to make Emily feel comfortable afterwards. Couple that with a few vintage Rick Ashley moves under the covers and he locks it down.

    -MH

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  40. Yuk....Jef in the fantasy suite????? I see Sean and maybe Arie if he's still around, can't come up with a third. Ryan and Doug will be (should be) long gone by then!!!!

    Still waitng for Chris Harrison to make his move! Better move fast DP!!!

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  41. Trust me.....Jef is money. I can maybe see Sean and I don't even want to think about Arie. But for the love of God...are you serious about Harrison making a move on Emily???? What would he do in the fantasy suite, hug someone for an hour?

    MH

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  42. I BEG for some commentary on the meaning of the girly man wearing the purple girly scarf. I know?!!!! Right???? Also, is the fact that she practically shrouds herselfs in layered shawls some sort of secret signal that despite white jeans and other assorted signals to the contrary, she is protecting herself, body and soul, from not only the weather, but from....well, all of them?

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