Bachelor Pad Episode 4: Slut-pocalypse Now

Hello everyone and thanks again for hitting the refresh button on your computers until this post appeared so you can take the time out of your day to read my take on this ridiculous show. I’d like to thank my loyal readers Susie, Heather, and Isobel for setting up the Houston and Denver meet and greets this week. It was nice to put a name to otherwise anonymous faces and I appreciate those of you who made the effort to check things out. It was a fun experiment. Major, sincere props to the husbands who showed up and pretended to be interested. I hope it paid off . . . if you know what I mean. It was nice meeting all of you. Hangovers aside, I had a great time in both places. Special consideration goes to the wait staff at Earl’s in Denver. I think at least one of them was actually convinced that I was “somebody.”

In the meantime, we plow face first into the sloppy mess that is Episode 4 of the Bachelor Pad. This week’s lead in promised delicious drama, confrontational contests, and the spontaneous spewing of saline from the eyes of our favorite contestants. Let’s get to it.

We begin with the latest editing trick: the after the rose ceremony fallout scenes. We are reminded that Angry Dave was “forced” to pick between Gia and Elizabeth in an effort to break a voting tie. Jackass. Despite Wes lobbying harder than Susan B. Anthony for women’s suffrage, Angry Dave voted for Elizabeth and sent Gia packing like a mule during the 1849 Gold Rush. Jackass. Wes, obviously upset at Gia’s departure, characterizes the decision as an “absolute atrocity.” Alliteration aside (see what I did there?), I’ll go ahead and say that in my book “absolute atrocities” include things like The Holocaust, the September 11th attacks, the Oklahoma City bombing, and the suit that Hasselhoff wore on the Dancing With the Stars intro commercial. Gia getting kicked off the show for making a poor decision while she was drunk with Wes is hardly the same thing, but I get it. Wes was upset. At least she can use her pouty lips to . . . well, pout.

In a contrived couch conference, everyone sits around to discuss the fallout. Natalie, fresh off her Fantasy Suite manhandling with Angry Dave (jackass), sticks up for the voting decision. In a subtle but tasteful effort to encourage a constructive, honest discourse, Wes suggests that everyone stop “bending over and blowing smoke up each other’s asses.” Obviously enthralled with the idea of blowing something up someone’s ass, Angry Dave (jackass) takes exception to Wes’ diplomatic suggestion and they have a classic macho, alpha male stare down as the word “jackass” is bandied about. Jackass. Angry Dave (jackass) eventually cracks under the pressure of the stare down and leaves the room for some serious male affirmation bonding with his bromance, Kovacs.

Natalie, comfortable with having things blown up her ass, lets us know that “it’s not about who is the best kisser or who can eat the most pie, it’s about relationship building.” Brilliant. Natalie Getz is to chastity what Natalie Wood is to swimming. (Too sooon?) I’ll let that one speak for itself. Frankly, I have a couple more jokes, but there’s just too much Natalie material this week to fit them all in. In short, the lines are drawn and everyone will soon pick sides in the Wes vs. Angry Dave (jackass) feud and Natalie will soon be too ignorant to realize that Angry Dave is an a-hole in addition to being (say it with me) a Jackass.

Mercifully, the doorbell rings and we discover that the contestants will be taking a survey in order to reveal who the Biggest X is in the house. The categories are purposefully provocative and the contestants soon begin to realize that some feelings are going to be hurt. Nikki—looking like Sandra Bullock’s older brother in drag—finds it “very difficult to fill out.” Angry Dave broods. Jackass. Of course, Tenley fights back sparkly tears telling us that “she hates it.” She really is annoying, but she’s so damn nice it’s difficult to really dislike her.

With the survey complete and the wet bar in dire need of restocking, the contestants head to bed after a stressful day. The following morning is filled with palpable tension as Angry Dave tells the camera how confident he feels. Frankly, I think there was probably just too much sugar in whatever supplements he loaded up on in the morning, but he seemed to be feeling good about his chances. Jackass. Still crushed over Gia’s departure, Wes escapes to the hot tub in his underwear where he reflects on his feelings, holds his breath for an hour, and tries to remember where he left his bathing suit.

Enter Melissa Rycroft in her seasonal attire and giant strappy cork shoes in order to round everyone up for the big survey results. Harrison, fresh off room service and a morning romp, shows up in a rugged looking oatmeal sweater with a frayed collar, dark undershirt, and gray jeans. He’s not quite the Grim Reaper, but he’s there to be the Grand Marshall over what will soon become a parade of hurt feelings and crying women. Melissa confirms that the questionnaire indeed asked them questions. She might have an easier gig than Harrison. Granted, Harrison’s paycheck is about as fat as her cork pumps, but she’s still getting paid for doing and adding nothing to the show. Did she mention she’s married and pregnant? Nice job.

The contest begins with Harrison laying down the rules as only he can do. Rycroft will save him the aggravation of reading the cards and when she asks a question each contestant will write down what he or she believes the group answered collectively rather than what he or she would have answered individually. Easy enough, right. We’ll see.

Lulling them into a sense of false relief, Rycroft reads the first question thankful that she wasn’t around when the Producers dreamed this up. Did she mention that she’s married and pregnant? She should have. “Who is most likely to win?” is the question and everyone casts a vote. Kiptyn is the lucky winner and, as we shall see, the only person given good news. Of course, little fairies guided Tenley’s pen and whispered the winning answer in her perky little ear. She voted for Kiptyn and guess what? She was excited about it.

Next question.

“Who is your worst enemy?” Winner: Krisily. This answer was fairly predictable considering the fact that she’s always up in everyone’s bid-ness, and she frankly didn’t seem shocked, although she was indignant about it. Whatever. I’m certain that the audience members who found that a surprise were quickly reassured that it was the right answer as Krisily proceeded to bitch about it to the camera. In the guys’ camp, Angry Dave predictably voted for Wes, adding the word “sucks” to his vote. Jackass. Wes returned the favor and the penis measuring contest was on again.

Two predicable questions down and now it’s time to drop the hammer.

“Who is the most shallow?” Ouch. Rycroft didn’t make it any easier by reading it as clearly and as loudly as she could and Harrison’s hands immediately found their way into his pockets. He was clearly uncomfortable. Rycroft adds insult to injury by announcing that the “correct answer” is Elizabeth. Proving that indeed it was “correct,” Elizabeth does nothing to help her shallow image by telling the camera that she has no idea what “shallow” means. I suppose requesting and using unlimited access to the extra potent tanning bed at Electric Beach, Tan Today Gone to Maui, or whatever tanning salon she undoubtedly frequents on a daily basis is a start. The bleach blond hair, delusional behavior, and unrepentant tramping around are probably good indicators as well. But what do I know? I was too busy wondering if Natalie would win the “who is the deepest” question. Think about it.

“Who is the dumbest?” I winced when this one was read. Harrison actually put both hands together in a prayer motion and raised them to his mouth. Brutal. Despite the fact that Gwen “won” and became visibly upset, all of the guys voted for Natalie and—yes, this is true—Natalie voted for herself and proceeded to congratulate herself for getting a point. Harrison, with a barely containable Cheshire Cat grin on his face breaks it to her that she not only proved that she should have won, but she doesn’t get a point. It’s a shame that alcohol and promiscuous behavior don’t make a person smarter. While Natalie was basking in ignorance, Tenley realized that she earned a point by voting Gwen as dumb and, guess what? She felt bad about it. Kovacs looked visibly upset as well demonstrating that he too has a conscience.

Time for a softball question to ease the tension.

“Who do most people have a crush on in the house?” Angry Dave wins. Jackass. Frankly, I don’t get this one. I suppose he’s built well but he’s such a freaking jerk. He actually voted for himself. Of course, Natalie flaunts her “relationship” with Angry Dave (Jackass); a relationship he fails to acknowledge beyond the sticky confines of an isolated Fantasy Suite 200 miles from the mansion after a bottle of champagne and a half dozen whatever stupid drink he drinks for effect. Jackass.

“Who is a bridesmaid but never a bride?” Frankly, I thought Nikki would win this one hands down, but I suppose in-house, off camera behavior played a key role in the outcome of this question. Natalie is the big winner and she takes it hard. Well, everyone knows she takes it hard, but she looked upset too. In a classic—and I mean classic—move befitting the first class as*hole that he is, Angry Dave actually had the stones to not only vote for Natalie but to emphatically thank her when he earned a point. Jackass. To be fair to Angry Dave (jackass), a girl cannot carry on like Natalie has done and expect to be respected by anyone; especially the guys she’s slept with. Lesson to women reading the blog: men may seem like Neanderthals but no one but Charlie Sheen wants to marry a bimbo.

I was reminded of a scene in Splendor in the Grass when Warren Beatty’s character talks to his father about being sexually frustrated with Natalie Wood’s character. His father gives him the “two kinds of women” speech, proving that men have known better than to marry a slut since at least the early ‘60’s or whenever that movie came out. I won’t beat a dead slut, but Wes actually had some valid points about Natalie’s demeanor too.

Natalie sniffles through her testimonial shocked that she won that question. Denial is a powerful thing and Natalie proves it as she tells us that her ultimate goal in life is to get married and have children. “One's real life is often the life that one does not lead,” said Oscar Wilde. Natalie should put down the champagne and pick up some Oscar Wilde. Oscar Wilde also said, “Nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.” In other words, some lessons have to be learned the hard way. Natalie learned the hard way that taking it the hard way is a hard way to earn respect. The good news is that she’s young enough to do something about it. The bad news is that I doubt she will.

Next question.

“Who is the biggest jerk?” This one could have also been asked, “Who do you like, Angry Dave (jackass) or Wes?” Frankly, I was just as surprised as Wes when he won. Wes might be over the top at times, but he seems to speak his mind honestly and without pretense. I suppose the answers are a bit skewed considering the “couple” situation, but I’ve met the guy and have mutual friends and he’s not a bad guy. Harrison takes a jab at Wes for not seeing it coming and Wes chalks up the vote to the couple conspiracy.

“Who has the worst boob job?” I actually put down my Lone Star and shook my head at this one. I guess these folks know what they’re signing up for, but this was downright mean on the part of whoever wrote the survey. When the purpose is solely to humiliate, it’s just not fun. The look on Kovacs’ face was priceless. He clearly knew that Elizabeth was the front runner and was faced with the impossible choice of throwing the competition by voting for someone else or pulling an Angry Dave (jackass) and voting for his “girlfriend” in order to earn the point. In the end, Kovacs voted for Krisily and told the camera that “relationships last longer than $250,000.” Wanna bet? Regardless, I’ll give him credit for listening to his conscience. He’s right, some things are simply more important than money—especially if your parents own a Napa Valley winery. Regardless, Elizabeth wins the vote and Tenley and Jesse B. win the one-on-one dates and immunity roses.

Let the crying begin.

The competition ends and Mount Whore-amanjaro erupts. Finding tears in the mansion was like finding rain in a thunder cloud. Gwen finds Natalie in the fetal position in the shower and proceeds to comfort her despite having been thrown her own fast ball between the eyes. Natalie continues to melt down over the bridesmaid comment and we see the difference between forty-something and sober and twenty-something and drunk. She decries the “stereotype” that she’s been labeled with like Hester Prynne and reiterates to anyone who will listen, her desire to be a mother and a wife. I suppose if she keeps taking the antibiotics for her venereal disease, there’s a strong possibility that one of those will happen. Being labeled something is only unfair if it’s untrue, Natalie.

Angry Dave retires to the kitchen for a protein shake and some raw meat but does not attempt to talk to Natalie. Jackass. Elizabeth locks herself in the closet. It’s a good thing that the Weatherman was sent home last week or that closet would have been occupied. Proving his compassion is sincere, Kovacs, looking more like Nick Lachey every week, does a good job comforting her despite the fact that it puts him at risk for elimination.

After CryFest, the date card arrives and Tenley floats to the door to retrieve it. She predictably picks Kiptyn and they bound out of the house on clouds of joy as they hop in the limo and glide giggling down the PCH. They arrive at a helipad and Tenley almost decapitates herself in the blade by jumping up and down in an effort to demonstrate her overflowing excitement. She’s so f*cking cheery. The end up zip lining on Catalina Island and both appear to have a great time. I was glad that she won. Despite the nauseating over-positivity gushing from her pores, it was nice to see someone who appreciated the date. Tenley pretends she can’t fly and they zip line a bunch before kissing and giggling some more. Good for them. Perhaps they’ll name their kids something normal.

Back at the mansion, Wes begins to seal his fate by loudly announcing his “break up the couples” strategy. He was absolutely correct, but he should have been more discreet about it. Ironically, he wouldn’t have been in that situation if he would have stepped aside and let McCheesy take the rose from Gia two weeks ago. That lead to her dismissal and—as we’ll see—his too.

The date card arrives for Jesse B. “The sky’s the limit” it reads and he decides to explore his chemistry with Peyton, even though he failed Chemistry in high school. Krisily, vying for any attention from anyone, is upset that she was not chosen and tells us that she’s never been so frustrated in her life. That tends to happen to manipulative people when they can’t manipulate people. In the meantime, Tenley and Kiptyn arrive for dinner and she giggles at a champagne bottle until the cork voluntarily jumps from the bottle. They kiss on pillows with marijuana leaves on them and the surrounding forest is enchanted with the sweet sounds of softly singing sparrows and the fresh fragrance of Tenley’s happiness. Tenley says she’s nervous to give Kiptyn the rose and wonders if he’ll accept it. Hey Snow White, there’s 250K on the line. Of course he will. They forgo their rooms for foreplay in the Fantasy Suite and Tenley is happy that “Kiptyn and I’s” relationship is approaching the next level. Does no one read this blog? They retire to the Fantasy Suite and we all wonder how awkward it was when the Seven Dwarves showed up.

On the opposite end of the relationship spectrum, Kovacs and Elizabeth talk over beers by the hot tub. He forgets how nuts and unstable she is and she pretends she’s neither. It’s been a difficult day being called shallow and poorly assembled, but Elizabeth pushes through it for another make out session in that dirty hot tub. I hope they skim that thing at night. So much for Elizabeth’s meltdown. The odd thing about regret is that it comes only upon great reflection. Regret doesn’t have the immediacy that other emotions bring so it rarely influences people’s actions when feeling it could do some good. Clearly, Elizabeth is not there yet. Sigh.

Jesse B. and Peyton “dude” and “awesome” each other before boarding a WWII bi-plane with Shamus the faceless pilot with the Colin Farrel haircut. Meanwhile, Kovacs sports his ridiculous Hattie McDaniel bandana and tells everyone that he doesn’t know nothin’ about birthin’ no babies. Angry Dave douches it up with his sideways ball cap. Jackass. And they opine as to the possibility of Jesse B. and Peyton having sex on their date. Natalie—see that regret line above—believes that they will “make out fer sure” because “you have to.” Somewhere in Illinois, her father retired to the bathroom to assume the fetal position and cry in the shower. He takes comfort knowing that he will not be coming out of pocket for her wedding any time soon.

Peyton further demonstrates her need for diction lessons as she and Jesse swap meat and potatoes and funnel cake and corn dog stories and he coughs up the rose earlier than Natalie coughs up the nookie on a first date. Peyton makes the mistake of feeding him a sizeable martini and Jesse proceeds to mix it with champagne before getting hammered and turning into a ten year old. To be fair to Jesse, giving a 25 year old guy from Nowhere, Missouri who lives with his dogs a martini is like putting a silk hat on a pig. What did she expect? Romance killed, Peyton lets us know that she’s one of the boys but would expect some modicum of decorum on a date. I tend to agree, but she started it.

After ignoring the fact that they got screwed twice on their individual dates, Peyton decides to forgo the Fantasy Room in the mansion in favor of the community bedroom. Man, she WAS really turned off. Jesse doesn’t fight it in an effort to maintain his buzz and they return home unscathed. Angry Dave (jackass) got a private jet and a suite in Vegas. Tenley got a helicopter ride and a suite on Catalina Island. Jesse and Peyton got to eat in an airplane hangar and bunk upstairs in the mansion. I found that odd.

It was at this point that I hit “play” on my DVR during the Dancing With the Stars introduction. Frankly, I didn’t care about the show, but Brooke Burke holds a close second place next to Diane Lane in Some Guy from Austin’s Fantasy Suite wish list. I just thought y’all should know that.

Krisily tries to turn Angry Dave by stroking his angry, over-inflated ego and he reminds her that he won the kissing contest. Jackass. He talks to Kovacs on the couch about rose ceremony strategy as his stupid, angry hat plays havoc with the editing. Even his hat pisses me off. Jackass. Wes talks to Nikki who still looks like Sandra Bullock on Prednisone and he actually makes a lot of sense. It’s a shame she’s the only one listening.

Harrison emerges from the kitchen suited up in his dark jacket and gray blue shirt and tie with the ubiquitous champagne glass and fork to announce the rose ceremony. Tenley, Kiptyn, Jesse B., and Peyton are all safe and there are 7 roses to be handed out. Angry Dave (jackass) and Kovacs want Gwen gone but Kiptyn sways the vote to Krisily despite the fact that Angry Dave assured her she was safe and talked her out of voting for Kovacs because of it. Jackass. Wes and Jesse vote together for Elizabeth (the smart choice), but cannot earn Kiptyn’s vote. Wes and Krisily get booted and Krisily proceeds to bitch about it. Wes actually lost with class and took the high road out of the mansion despite obvious frustration and disappointment. See, he’s not that bad.

Tenley, Peyton, Kiptyn, Jesse B., Natalie, Ashley, Angry Dave (jackass), Nikki, Elizabeth, Gwen, and Kovacs remain as we head into Episode 5 where things promise to get interesting. As always, thanks for reading and please leave your comments below and on my Facebook “Guy in Austin” page. Is there a clear winner here? I’m not sure. In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be crying in the shower. DP