Bachelor Pad Episode 3: Hark! A Cheeseball Sings.

Hello everyone. I hope the last week treated you well. Unfortunately for me, my professional and personal life has been unpredictably hectic. I’ve received messages and emails about my phantom post and I’m sorry to say that I didn’t have an opportunity to finish it this week. I’ll remember not to promise what I can’t deliver. I believe I’ve done that once before too. I’ll make it up to y’all soon. Thanks for caring enough to write me about it. Props to the person who wrote me asking if I couldn’t write because there was “a shortage of Lone Star beer in Austin.” Thank God that wasn’t the reason. This week’s shout out also goes to a certain Brazilian woman from Dallas who wrote me saying that she is now incorporating the word “Hooha” into her vernacular. I’m not certain how she plans to do that, but nevertheless, I’m happy to be of assistance. I wish I could be there to see the look on her Ob/Gyn’s face when she busts that word out in her annual well woman exam.

With all of that in mind, we head into Episode Three of what is quickly turning into one big hot, sticky, mess. This week promised kissing contests, budding romances, difficult choices, and yes, more and more crying. Let’s get to it.

“For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another.” No, that’s not an US Weekly review of the Bachelor Pad. It’s actually much older. It’s from the Bible. Romans 1:24-27, to be exact. Funny how some things never change. I had no idea that reality TV predated Christianity. Odd.

Anyyyhooooo . . .

We begin with Gia basking in denial like a hog in slop. In a wonderful illustration of hyperbole, she admits that she made “the biggest mistake of her life” by giving the rose to Wes. She then proceeds to chastise Nikki for doing the same thing with Kiptyn. Sick of it all, Natalie takes her tutu and leaves the room—presumably to finish her drink, check her latest pregnancy test, and perform her after the rose ceremony Kegels. Kovacs sighs a deep sigh of relief and points out the Outsider’s mistakes while basking in the “power” that he shares with Kiptyn and Angry Dave. Jackass.

Gia and Wes discuss their failures and Wes—sober now—attempts to comfort her suggesting that the only way to win is to break up the couples in the house. “It’s pure science” he tells her, uttering the first of many gems to be uttered in Wes/Gia exchanges this week. After giving Einstein a minute to roll over in his grave, Wes suggests that all Gia can do is “win the opinion” of the men in the house. Sleeping with them would probably be the shortest route, but alas, Gia is betrothed to some guido in New York. Pure science, my ass.

Harrison emerges on his way home from an all night bender at a Santa Monica beach party dressed in fancy Frank jeans, a pink untucked oxford, and a pair of Sketchers. I didn’t notice if they were the ones with the lights on the side. Nonetheless, he made them his own. Rycroft stands dutifully by his side happy to be getting paid to do nothing. Her denim jacket and giant earrings call attention to herself, yet don’t crowd Harrison’s spotlight. Good girl, Melissa.

Nobody is safe this week, we learn. Well, except for the 2 people who win roses and the other two that earn them on the group dates. There are 15 people left and Harrison pretends that “finding love” is still a real possibility. Has he watched the raw footage? And when I say “raw,” I don’t mean uncut. Regardless, there’s a sh*tload of cash at stake and everyone seems anxious to get to the challenge.

Harrison checks everyone’s oral hygiene as Melissa announces the kissing competition. As if there wasn’t enough bodily fluid being spattered throughout the mansion, we now learn that everyone will kiss everyone else. Gia immediately tenses up. After all, her guido boyfriend would be none too happy if she proceeded with the kissing and carrying on and such. The Weatherman does his best to comfort Gia and reminds her that his boyfriend is not going to be pleased either. Alright, I’m officially putting a moratorium on Weatherman jokes for now. I actually like the guy. Besides, he’s had enough fun poked at him from behind.

Jesse B. is excited because he likes “kissing girls” and Gia seeks the rock solid advice of Tenley and Natalie. Could there be two people who are more diametrically opposed than the virginal, giggle, school girl Tenley and the defiled, hoarse, street walking Natalie? Predictably, Tenley is super supportive of Gia and even sprinkles her with some fairy dust to ward off cooties. Natalie thinks Gia should “get over it and just make out”. Oddly enough, Natalie has that crocheted on a pillowcase back at her apartment in whatever city she calls home. Her grandmother gave it to her when she went off to live at the dorm at the local junior college. Trashy is as trashy does. Oblivious to his lack of sex appeal, the Weatherman loves the prospect of the kissing contest. Unfortunately, as the girls line up for their kisses, they all point out his lack of smoothness. Poor guy. Frankly, I hit the fast forward button at this point. I felt myself longing for the pie eating contest. It was far less sloppy and about half as disgusting to watch. I did however have some favorite moments.

Ashley—forgetting that she donned an incredibly slutty stewardess outfit in an attempt to woo Jake—takes herself out of the competition because she’s a high school teacher and doesn’t want to lose the respect of her students. By “students” she meant “the Administration who signs my paycheck.” It sucks when reality gets in the way of a reality show, but I was proud of her for doing the right thing. It’s nice to know at least one person has a job on this show.

Kovacs—ignorant of the fact that not everyone’s mommy and daddy own a Napa Valley winery, he calls Ashley “lame” for not participating. He might deserve Elizabeth.

Natalie—Owning her harlotry, she tells us that she “knows from experience” how most of the guys kiss. She tells us that she “would like make out with everyone in the house for like 20 bucks.” Good Lord, Natalie. I felt myself wanting someone to put something in her mouth just to shut her up. I was certain that would happen later. She realizes that these recordings exist in perpetuity, doesn’t she? She can’t be that dumb. I thought ahead 15 years when her child says, “mommy, can we watch the DVD’s of when you were on TV?” Good luck handling that one, Natalie.

At any rate, she’s a bit partial to Angry Dave’s “passionate and aggressive” kissing style. Jackass. He apparently makes her heart soar. I found that odd considering that all of the other guys in the house had already made other parts of her anatomy sore. Incidentally, that’s a homophone—two words that sound alike but are spelled differently. You know, like “hoar” and “whore,” for instance. I was surprised that Natalie didn’t suggest a best in bed competition, but hey, it’s early in the show. Somewhere in a Morton, Illinois break room her father walked in to work this morning amidst snickers and head shakes.

Incidentally, her last name is “Getz,” as in “whatever a guy wants from Natalie, he Getz.” Cyril Connolly once wrote, “as bees with their sting, so the promiscuous leave behind them in each encounter something of themselves by which they are made to suffer.” My prediction is the she’ll be faced with her reputation later in the season and it won’t be pretty.

Tenley—giggles her way through, but actually gives it the old college try. She was delighted to know that Kiptyn’s kiss was clearly on her list. It’s their “first kiss” and all of the creatures in the forest are thrilled beyond belief that Tenley is happy. Rainbows spill forth on to the mansion grounds and magic fills the air.

Gia—half asses it for a while before breaking down and taking herself out of the competition in order to retire to the community bedroom and cry her collagen injected face off. I’m certain that 250 grand would ease the pain of her break up. There are worse things I could think of than not being able to get past the velvet rope of the New York night club where her boyfriend works the door. She did kiss Wes, though, and he respectfully pretended to care about her relationship. I’d be willing to bet that Wes Hayden is the polar opposite of whoever she’s dating now. That makes me laugh. Upset, Gia cries into the camera, “I didn’t think that everyone was going to turn into porn stars here.” It’s a good thing that the producers and sponsors didn’t share her sentiment.

Wes—Professes to be a germophobe and, in light of that, relishes his position as first kisser. In a classic Wes Hayden-ism he tells us that with respect to kissing style “going in for the kill doesn’t turn me on whatsoever . . . unless I’m absolutely hammered.” Shakespeare couldn’t have said it any better, Wes. Classic.

Elizabeth—vying for the lead as the loosest thing in the house besides the screws on Natalie’s bedpost, Elizabeth does her best to push through the pain of seeing Kovacs kissed by the women. After kissing the Weatherman she literally spits into the pool. Granted, she’s probably not familiar with spitting fluids out, but it was still funny.

Harrison mercifully ends the carnage with a Fat Albert “hey, hey, hey” and announces that Angry Dave (jackass) and Peyton are the big winners. Of course, Natalie is upset. She takes refuge in the thought that there might be an oral sex contest in the near future. She retires to the community bedroom to perform her after the morning contest Kegels and practice.

Angry Dave gets the first cliché date card. “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” it reads. Jackass. He picks unfun Nikki, Krisily, and Natalie. Frankly, I don’t blame the guy for taking Natalie. He’s essentially won a free trip in a private jet to Las Vegas. Strategy Smategy, he might as well go fishing with dynamite. She posted the combination to her pants on the front door the day she got to the mansion. Left two Red Bull and Vodkas, Right One Compliment, Left Two Shots of Tequila. Pull to open.

Natalie shows her excitement by jumping up and down and sucking on the date card podium. They hit the limo and jump on a jet to Vegas. Jackass. In the meantime, this week’s couples vs. singles strategy begins to unfold as Kovacs—mired deep into his forced relationship with fly paper Elizabeth—and Tenley—mired deep in her delusional fantasy relationship with Kiptyn—discuss kicking Gia’s ass off the property. Wes begins his “Save Gia” campaign amid mixed reception.

Angry Dave (jackass) and his posse arrive at Bare Lounge at the Mirage Hotel in Vegas. Natalie is thrilled to learn that it’s a topless pool as Nikki and Krisily realize that they’re out gunned. Trying to compete with Natalie in that environment is tantamount to trying to take meat away from a lion in the African desert. Nikki folds like a cheap suit and Krisily makes a Kri-silly attempt at conversation with Angry Dave (jackass) until he’s distracted by a bikini-clad, drunken Natalie running around the pool. I assumed she was marking her slut territory as is common among the North American Slut species. The European Slut is less territorial, but effective nonetheless.

Natalie puts the olive in the martini by ditching her top. She wins the race for the rose by several breast lengths and Nikki and Krisily pack up their dignity and head back to the mansion. In a parting shot across the bow, Krisily laments her failure to get down into the trough with Natalie but opines that although she’s fun, Natalie is not the “kind of girl someone would bring home to mom.” Well, unless mom wanted an easy lay, but we get the point. The Fantasy Suite card comes and Natalie jumps on it like a frog on a lily pad—a really slutty frog. We assume Dave closes the deal in the Fantasy Suite. Jackass. I found myself wondering how Natalie felt at that point. I’m sure Dave found out how she felt. Nikki categorizes Natalie as a “free spirit.” Frankly, I think she’s just free.

Back in Corinth, Peyton gets the date card. “Gentelmen, start your engines,” it reads and in a good strategic pick that she later failed to capitalize upon, she chooses Kovacs, Kiptyn, and Jesse B. to go on the date with her. Tenley approaches un-virginlike conduct by admitting her jealousy that Peyton is picking “all of the guys in relationships” for the date. In an effort to head off the potential hand holding with Peyton, Tenley hatches a strategy to surprise Kiptyn while he’s enjoying a mid-afternoon, pre-date nap in his bed. She plans to “blow him out of the water.” Right. Drop the “out of the water” part and she’d have the right idea. Note to Tenley: waking a man up from a mid-afternoon nap is never a good idea.

Immune from the possibility of below the waist contact, Tenely awakens a clearly annoyed Kiptyn in order to “cuddle.” Are you kidding me, I thought as I put a fresh bottle of Lone Star beer to my lips and shook my head. Kiptyn gives Tenley a polite as can be expected brush off as she leaves uncuddled. Too bad, I thought, if he’d have let her stick around she might have touched his pee pee.

Tenley runs back to Natalie to discuss it. Again, I shook my head. Tenely talking to Natalie about Kiptyn’s failure to cuddle is tantamount to Rycroft talking to Harrison about failing to get a hosting gig. Natalie pretends to care and Kiptyn gets ready for Peyton.

Kovacs, Kiptyn, Jesse B., and Peyton go to some drag racing strip in L.A. and Peyton wows them with her ability to drive a car and talk like she’s from the San Fernando Valley. Diction lessons are in order for Peyton, but she seems nice enough. She’s clearly one of the more normal girls in the house. Oddly, all of the guys seem to respect her and treat her like one of their own. It was subtle but I found it interesting that failing to hooch it up and act like a tramp at the house actually earns the respect of the guys. Note to females reading: that’s true in real life too, no matter how unapparent it may seem. Sleeping with someone is alright. Using it to manipulate someone is not.

In the meantime, Elizabeth seeks solace in conversation with the Weatherman and Angry Dave (jackass) but eventually succumbs to her craziness and cries over Kovacs. Her ears burn as he summarily rejects the idea of a relationship with her when talking to Peyton. He knows better, though, and he does admit to the camera that Elizabeth has “ruined everything” for him at the house by strong arming him into a “relationship.” He leaves Peyton and goes to write in his journal. Dear Diary, Today I learned reason #400 not to sleep with a crazy girl . . . .

Jesse B. gets some alone time with Peyton and quickly denies an ongoing relationship with Natalie. He tells her that he’s realized she’s “not the kind of girl I’m looking for.” Translation: She’s hot but she’s been banged more times than the metal in a Japanese sword. He earns a kiss and a rose. Nice job, Jesse B. Nice job. Despite the fact that Peyton got screwed with a cheap date (Angry Dave—jackass—gets a private jet and a suite in Vegas and she gets race cars and a room at the mansion?), Jesse B. and Peyton accept the Fantasy Suite invite extended graciously by Harrison. We know he didn’t close the deal, but it appears Jesse B. made a good friend in Peyton. He’s quickly becoming my favorite to win the dough. Everyone likes him and he’s unassuming. He’s just smart enough to realize it, but he’s not clever enough to scheme with the others. Sometimes it’s good to have dumb luck. Others it’s just good to be dumb. We’ll see if he can keep his slate clean. The fact that he dodged a slut storm from Natalie says a lot about his staying power.

We next move to my favorite part of the show: The Wes/Gia interaction. Frankly, I thought last week’s drunkenly slurred “I love you” conversation could not be topped. Man, was I wrong. Wes and Gia strategize about her chances of sticking around. Wes learns that Angry Dave holds the power to break a tie vote. Jackass. Wes begins to wonder about how to sway one vote, but first sweet talks Gia. I was reminded of a move I saw on Shark Week in early-August. Some genius was down on the ocean with a bunch of sharks and proceeds to grab one, turn it over on it’s back, and caress it’s belly. The shark lies back, paralyzed and docile. After rubbing Gia’s belly, Wes breaks out his guitar and proceeds to recycle the song he wrote “for Jillian,” They Say Love Don’t Come Easy. I’ll give Wes credit for that one. Proving once again that the beating he probably endured for taking guitar lessons at an early age has an exponential payoff, Wes sings and watches Gia melt like an ice cube on an Austin, Texas sidewalk in mid-August. Take that, suit-wearing, red-velvet rope guarding, Ecstasy dealing, soon-to-be-ex boyfriend.

In literally my favorite moment since Gia uttered, “you can eat my salmon” to Vienna on her double date with Jake, Gia—clearly intoxicated with whatever Wes slipped in her drink—says that Wes is, “a modern day Shakespeare, but better and cuter.” I’ll give him cuter, but better? Modern day Shakespeare? I’m sure David Mamet and Sam Shepherd might have an opinion on that statement.

“Alas, Wes Hayden! I knew him, Harrison, a fellow of infinite cheese, of most excellent fancy. He hath bored me with his songs a thousand times, and now how abhorr'd in my imagination it is! My gorge rises at it.” That’s Hamlet—sort of. After my gorge was done rising, I settled down to watch Gia cheat on her boyfriend. Nice job, Wes. Now all he had to do was convince Angry Dave (jackass) to forgo his bromance with Kovacs and vote for Elizabeth instead of Gia. One question: If Wes is Shakespeare, does that make Gia one of his characters? Is she Horatio? Perhaps, Fellatio is more appropriate.

As an aside, let me also clear up a common Shakespeare myth. For those of you uninterested, simply skip to the next paragraph. A famous quote from Hamlet always arises when some woman is poontanging around. “Get thee to a nunn’ry,” is the quote. Hamlet uttered it to Ophelia and his sincerity has been debated ad nauseum. Intent aside, it is commonly thought that a nunnery is a convent. Actually, a nunnery is a brothel, which makes the insult more powerful. I figured someone would throw that quote at me in the comments. This is my effort to head it off. I digress . . . .

In honor of Wes’ Shakespearean status, I will now address rose ceremony in Shakespeare’s preferred writing style: iambic pentameter. Here goes.

But soft! what light through yonder hot tub breaks?
It is the east, and Harrison is the host!—
Arise, fair host, and kill the contestants’ buzz,
That is already full of ale and grief,

That thou our host art far more fair than them:
Be not afraid, since they are anxious;
Their sheer immorality is but sick and green,

And none but fools do wear it; cast it off.--

It is a ROSE; O, it is thy love!
O, that we knew it were!--
He speaks, yet he says nothing: what of that?

Wes H. discourses, who will answer it.—

Dave is too bold, 'tis him, O jackass, speak!
Two of the cheapest tramps in all the mansion,
Having some business, do retreat to the Deliberation Room (alright, this is hard)
To wiggle in their pants till they return.

What of their votes were there, they in their head?
The frankness of their votes would send but two home,
As daylight doth a lamp; their votes in wood box
Would through the airy mansion stream so bright

That Tenley sings and thinks it were not night.--
See how our host counts the votes with his hand!
O that I were a glove upon that hand,
That I might get that rose!

Translation: Ashley, Kiptyn, Tenley, Nikki, Gwen, Wes, Krisily, Kovacs, and Elizabeth all get roses and the Weatherman and Gia are sent packing after Angry Dave breaks a tie vote and elects to keep Elizabeth instead of Gia. Jackass.

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."

Until next week. If you need me, I’ll be practicing my iambic pentameter. DP