Bachelor Pad Episode 1: Whore-derves Anyone?

Hello faithful Bach fans and welcome to the six week off season fill in known as The Bachelor Pad. Frankly, I don’t know how many of you will keep watching and/or reading this, but I plan to cover all six episodes. You know, to keep my steel trap wit from rusting. The problem with that is that watching this show almost requires a dim wit. Props to ABC for filling the time slot with something tempting enough to keep the built-in Bach audience and props to Harrison for garnering another fat series of paychecks. Let’s get to it.

We begin as we always do with these tangential shows: with a short recap extolling the virtues of the concept of the 28 day whirlwind “journey for love.” We are reminded that Ryan and Trista are still married and that Jason and Molly got married too. Sure there are two couples who took the plunge. . . . “but then,” Harrison tells us . . . “there’s everyone else.”

Limo shots of crying, crying, and more crying. Again, props to ABC for retooling old, dusty footage of season’s past. The production cost for the show was still at zero. Why are we here we all asked ourselves? I mean it just seems so simple. These people didn’t find love and now they’re back searching for money, right? Not so fast. Amidst “love, hookups, betrayal, backstabbing, cheating, scandal, and a whole lot of crying” this bunch is banking on a second chance at love and a shot at 250 grand.

Bikinis, fast cars, a single bedroom, racy challenges, and tons of booze. The next ten minutes were nothing more than a montage of the previews we’ve been seeing for the last few months on ABC. Again, production cost, zero. Oh, but we’re in for a real treat. Let’s face it. Basically, it’s Survivor without the island and with the strong possibility of venereal diseases. We get it.

We learn that Juan and Nikki had a one night stand. Gross. We learn that Wes is now the “biggest villain in Bachelorette history.” We learn that Kiptyn and Tenley will find romance as they try and decide who has a more ridiculous name. Apparently, “everyone is hoping” that they find love. Right. I don’t think Obama mentioned that in his education speech the other day, but I could have missed it. In classic Harrison narration, he lets us know that Crazy Michelle will lose her mind . . . again. Actually, I took exception at that comment. Not because she’s not a whack job, but because it presupposes that she got her mind back after her last meltdown.

With the set up done and redone, Harrison emerges looking markedly less formal in his jeans, loafers, sport coat and untucked oxford. After all, there’s money on the line here and we don’t want to cheapen the search for love by formalizing something ridiculous. Let’s meet the contestants.

1. Tenley. We remember her. Interpretive dances, touring the country bringing smiles to the faces of little girls from coast to coast as Cindrella, Belle, and the Little Mermaid. Ah yes. Giggly, perky, sweet, innocent, flexible Tenley. Let’s not forget that her “my ex-husband cheated on me even though I remained a virgin until I got married before he dumped me for a trashy woman who would put out” story. How could we forget that story? Just in case we did, Tenley reminds us about it after she jumps around like a six year old waiting on Timberlake’s limo to arrive. Her hot pink off the shoulder ruffly shirt and white short shorts suited her. She looked good. I always liked her. She’s too nice for this show, though.

2. Tattoo Jesse. We saw him on the Men Tell All a couple weeks ago. He looks the same. He’s opted for the standard five o’clock plus a little more shadow. He’s happy to see Harrison and gives him the cool handshake to prove it.

3. Dumb Natalie. Good lord. We all remember her from her famous “I like bears” line that served as the nail in her coffin on the Vegas date with that crying wus, Mesnick. She’s dumb as a box of hammers and as loose as an unhinged shutter in a hurricane. After Tenley screams and jumps around at the sight of her, Natalie quickly gloms on to the only male in the room, Tattoo Jesse. She’s like an on ramp and she’s ready to prove it.

4. Angry Dave. I have to confess, this guy pisses me off. Read my past posts; particularly the one where I went to the wine tasting in Austin when he was there with Wes, Jesse K., Mike M., and Tanner P. He’s a macho jackass. He too sports the five o’clock and them some shadow. He shows up and exits the Town Car in a stupid shirt, stupid jeans, stupid shoes, with a stupid look on his stupid face. He properly executes Harrison the macho “bro” handshake as spelled out in the Man Code Book he’s so fond of and proceeds into the house in search of alcohol. Welcome back, jackass.

5. Gwen. The Carol Brady of the house. How they talked her into being a part of this Tom Foolery is beyond me. Her age is listed as “??” meaning she’s over 40. Shouldn’t she be on a Housewives of Wherever show by now? She, like Tenley, is too nice for this show. Angry Dave comments on her age as he sucks back his first beer. Jackass. Natalie sees him and throws herself at him too for good measure.

6. Jessie the Narc. She’s the one with the hot body who told on Justin “Rated R” Rego because she was so “concerned” for Ali’s well-being. Tenley squeals with delight again as she walks through the door. Congrats on extending your 15 minutes. For some reason we didn’t see her emerge from the Town Car. She was probably putting her dress back on in one of the Producer’s trailers.

7. Weatherman. I love the Weatherman. I’ll give him credit for being such a neurotic mess and still having the stones to walk into the lions’ den. Harrison appears to like him too as he exits the limo. I reminded myself that David killed Goliath, but somehow didn’t see the Weatherman donning a loin cloth and a slingshot to take down Craig M. In true Weatherman form, he immediately starts praying to the camera that Craig M. will not be invited. Fat chance.

8. Nikki. Speaking of neurotic. Remember her? Body issues, man issues, hater of everything fun. Yes, that Nikki. Top it all of with the fact that she got loaded and slept with that putz Juan on some reunion cruise and she’s ready to come unglued. She and her giant chandelier earrings pretend to be “euphoric” about sharing a room with 18 other grown children. My bet is she melts down early.

9. Juan. At 37, he’s old enough to know better. He pretends to “have dated” Nikki, but we all know what that means. Harrison lets him know about two feet from the Town Car that Nikki and her bruised feelings are inside waiting for him and he looks none too thrilled to see her. Natalie opines that Juan “had to sleep with Nikki when he came to Chicago so he could have a free room in the city.” I’m certain Sherlock Holmes would have reached a different conclusion, but hey, Natalie is as Natalie does. Sleeping with strange men is to her what salt was to the Middle Eastern nomads centuries ago. After hearing her comments, the Producers order an intern to put one of those red take a number dispensers on her bedpost. She continues to drink.

10. Wes. Ahh, Wes. For those of you who have been reading me you’ll know that I actually like Wes. Sure, he’s a cheese, but he’s not the bad guy that he got roped into appearing like on Jillian’s season. He gets a “what’s up dude” from Harrison, confirms he’s single after a pregnant pause, quotes his “Love Don’t Come Easy” song, and enters the house where Angry Dave gives him what appeared to be a big gay hug. Upon further examination, it was clear that the Man Code Book permits brief displays of affection between “bros” if they are followed by a “smokin’ hot chick” comments and a swig of alcohol. Natalie chimes in between deciding who she’ll bang first and refers to Wes as a “huge ginormous as*hole.” She’s a huge ginormous tramp. Let’s hope my faith in Wes is not ill founded. I hope he can rally and improve his image here. Like I said, he’s a cheese, but he’s not a bad guy.

11. Krisily. Huh? Upon seeing her name on screen I thought they were simply announcing the type of pasta on the Bach Pad buffet. Like the Weatherman, I have no idea who she is.

12. Elizabeth. Oh boy. At first, I thought that Lindsey Lohan came straight from prison to be on the show. She’s blonde now and has clearly employed Ali’s hair dresser. She actually drops a “blonds have more fun” on Harrison. Seventies catch phrases aside-- What. A. Freaking. Mess. More about her later, but she’s about as stable as a Haitian hut. She exits the Town Car in a royal blue evening gown with a white belt looking like Violet Beauregard before she ate the Everlasting Gobstopper, turned purple, and swelled up before being rolled away by the Oompa Loompas.

13. Jesse K. Also sporting the ridiculous crunchy tussled hair and five o’clock and them some shadow, Jesse exits the Town Car and lets us know that he “hooked up a few times” with Elizabeth but considers them friends now. Good luck with that. Any man eventually learns that the Friends Card can’t be played by anyone but the woman. We soon find out that Elizabeth left the Friends Card back at home on her bathroom vanity right next to her peroxide and her sanity. He’s in for a treat.

14. Kiptyn. Emerges in his black t-shirt and army jacket. Harrison checks the status of the abs and Tenely squeals like a castrated pig when she sees him. Tenley lets us know that she and Kiptyn “have hung out and done dinner and stuff a bunch of times.” I assume that “and stuff” means that they talked about how she was a virgin until she got married and then her husband cheated on her. . . and stuff. She hugs Kiptyn knowingly and he seemed glad to see her too. That’s clearly “on.”

15. Ashley. No comment.

16. Peyton. No comment

17. Crazy Michelle. Minimal comment.

We realize that these three are probably the first three women to go. They should have saved us the aggravation. In the interim, we get a shot of Wes, Jesse K., and Angry Dave. “There’s some freakin’ hot chicks here, man,” spouts Angry Dave through his stupid face. Jackass.

18. Gia. She shows up and all of the men stop in their tracks. Her J.Lo accent knocks her down a couple notches. Who am I kidding, she’s hot. She lets us know that she has a boyfriend. No one cares, especially Wes. I’m actually rooting for her. I gave her a hard time last season, but she won me over in the last couple of episodes. She’s a bit too modelly for me, but seems cool.

19. Craig M. (“McCheesy”). For those of you new to the blog, I christened this d-bag “McCheesy” last season because he looks like Patrick Dempsy’s (“Dr. McDreamy”) less talented, less attractive older brother. He made an ass of himself last season and he’s back doing the same thing again in his too small aqua shirt and white Capri pants and boat shoes. Really? This guy is from Canada for God’s sake. Do they even have summer up there? He enters, macho handshakes everyone, and the Weatherman shakes in his rain boots. That’s clearly “on” as well.

There it is. The line up. Left alone with free booze, the group discusses world changing issues such as love, money, and how tall different people are. Harrison puts an end to it all with the ubiquitous champagne glass. However, in a not-so-subtle move, Harrison trades in the fork for a butter knife. Clearly, Harrison was accenting the phallic symbolism of the butter knife clashing against the empty champagne flute in an attempt to provide us with foreshadowing for the show. He’s a genius.

THE RULES: 19 people, 1 chance at $250K, and unlimited chances at “love.” They compete. Winners get a rose and can take three people on a date and award one rose. Roses stay. The others are voted out by the opposite sex. Simple.

Harrison announces that “his friend” Melissa Rycroft will be his co-host. I can see the pre-production meeting now.

Producer: Come on CH, it’s a ton of money. Look, you can wear hot pink golf shirts and jeans and you won’t have to tuck in your dress shirts with your sport coat.

CH: F that. I’m not agreeing to s*it if I have to show up at the mansion after dark. This is the off season damn it and the women of L.A. are counting on seeing me in various drinking establishments across Orange County.

Producer: Alright, what if we bring in someone. . . say, Melissa Rycroft . . . someone familiar to the audience and with the show who can take all of the s*it assignments for you? You know. She’ll be kind of like that young news reporter who gets sent to report from gang infested Watts at 11pm at night while the anchor sits in the cozy confines of the studio?

CH: Fine, but I want to use a butter knife instead of a fork to ding the champagne glass in order to subtly accent the sexual tension around the house and I want to introduce Melissa as my friend so the audience thinks that this was my idea. Now get out of here and let these two young Asian women finish my hot rock massage.

Done deal. Melissa rubs in the fact that she’s got a personal trainer, won Dancing with the Stars, and has found happiness in marriage. Everyone else laments the fact that the only thing that getting kicked off the show did for them was to get them involved in drunken on night stands on dirty cruise ships and some time on a new reality show.

Dumb Natalie and the rest of the bunch drink some more as they explore the house and discover that there’s one bedroom. Natalie sluts it up by showing us that she’s not wearing underwear (literally), Nikki hates all of the fun, and Tenley jumps on the top bunk reminding herself that she has an identical set up right next to her doll house at home, you know, for sleepovers and stuff. Angry Dave retires to the pool and tells us that, smokin’ hot or not, chicks are really really sneaky. Jackass.

Rycroft cuts off the booze and whore-derves and announces the first competition. It’s Twister and the guys are going to go head-to-rear end against the girls. In the yard sits a giant Twister board and we imagine that the Producers had Natalie rub, kiss, and caress a small Twister board until it became excited and grew into a big Twister board.

I’m going to gloss over the Twister match. Let’s just say that some of the shots were done with a sigmoidoscope. I haven’t seen anything that gratuitous on prime time television since. . .well, ever. After half of the bunch got eliminated for a failure to recall right from left, Jessie and her tight little bikini ended up losing to McCheesy and his hair and the girls’ plan to oust him was thwarted. Good God, it’s going to be a long six weeks. The highlight of the entire thing was seeing Harrison in his hot pink, untucked knit shirt and jeans. Sure, he’s casual, but he still displayed his bling bling Cartier watch to let us know he’s the Man. Rycroft was annoying. After the heated competition we get a recap of the rules again, again, and again. Two hours is a lot of time to fill.

Sitting pretty, McCheesy emerges in his tiny teal shirt, linen capris, loafers, and obnoxious Rat Pack hat. He looked ridiculous. He reminds us that he’s got the best spot in the “hoose” and he’s ready to talk “aboot” who he will choose for his date. I was reminded of a major difference between Canada and America. In America, Moosehead is a beer. In Canada, it’s a misdemeanor.

McCheesy talks to a few of the broads around the hoose, convinces Elizabeth to give him a chance, and Crazy Michelle gets her claws ready. During night one, several people are awakened by the sound of kissing and rolling around in the sheets and Tenley opines that Michelle made her move on McCheesy in order to win the date. That’s never confirmed and I wondered if it wasn’t just the Weatherman enjoying some alone time in his bunk.

Rumor mill ignited, Crazy Michelle’s fuse is lit. But first, McCheesy gets the date card. He invites Jessie (they agreed on it during the Twister match), Gwen (safe choice), and Elizabeth. Elizabeth pretends Jesse K. cares and he looks relieved to get her out of the house for 4 hours. McCheesy and the girls musk up for the date as Natalie runs outside to caress, kiss, and fondle the Town Car in order for it to grow into a limo. Everyone thanks Natalie for the effort and they get in the limo in their swimsuits to head for the beach. Elizabeth sticks up for the Weatherman but proves how easy she is when McCheesy almost moves in for the kiss. Jessie is glad to have her 15 minutes extended in an environment where she can show off her smokin’ hot Canadian assets, and Gwen gets no camera time.

Back at the Brothel, Natalie makes out with Tattoo Jesse ignoring the fact that he loves outdoors and kisses his dogs. She lets him know that she’s a NASCAR fan. After all, like her, race car drivers burn a lot of rubbers. Jesse looks relieved that he’s won Natalie’s affections for the moment. Well, at least until the other guys get correct change. Juan and Gia talk and she praises him for “not like thinking with like his penis.” I took offense at that comment. How do you think I type this blog?

McCheesy boots Gwen and Elizabeth at the Greek Theater and attempts to dance the evening away with Jessie. Can someone PLEASE learn how to lead a woman around the dance floor on this show? Is that just a Texas thing, or am I nuts? For God’s sake, that was painful to watch. Ice skating is harder than dancing and everyone in Canada can do that. Elizabeth and Gwen plot McCheesy’s demise as they head back to the house of ill repute. She looks like Lindsey Lohan again.

Jesse K. has to deal with the mess that is Elizabeth. She “loves” him as we literally feel his regret as he replays the series of drunken one night stands that put him in this position. Brutal. That’s what you get for sleeping with a crazy chick, dude. Put that in your Man Code Book and smoke it.

Incidentally, Elizabeth is what we men refer to as “Third Date Crazy.” That’s actually worse than Michelle Crazy. Here’s the difference. Women like Michelle can be spotted miles away. They might as well wear a big orange vest and carry a flag that says “I’m Freaking Crazy.” Dodging girls like that is easy. Elizabeth on the other hand appears sane, together, and fun when you meet her. She regales you with fun stories, flirts effectively, and plays hard to get. Interested, you ask for her number and she obliges. After a few phone conversations, you ask her out. Date one is perfect. Dinner, conversation, and even a brief “excuse me for a second, I need to call my mother back so she doesn’t worry about me” intermission. Everything SEEMS normal. Date two goes well and she let’s you get to second base, perhaps third depending on the quality of the wine you buy her at the steakhouse. You close the deal on date number three and BAM, she comes unwound like a Roy Hobbs home run ball and sparks fly. Third. Date. Crazy.

Unfortunately, that kind of crazy is really hard to pick up. I treat it the same way I’d treat seeing a red, yellow, and black striped snake in the wild. None of that “red and yellow kill a fellow or red and black friend of Jack” stuff. You treat a girl like Elizabeth the same way you’d treat a pistol, a grenade, or Sean Penn: You always assume they are loaded. Jesse K. learned that lesson the hard way.

Speaking of loaded, Natalie continues to drink and takes a break from doing her Kegels in order to suck face with Tattoo Jesse some more. I really hope she paces herself with the drinking and carrying on. It would be terrible if she had to have a kidney transplant or something. Actually, it would be ironic if she had to have a kidney transplant because that’s the only time her body might actually reject an organ. Moving on, Crazy Michelle melts down on Tenley in the bathroom and poor Tenely cries because she got scared. It sucks to be a nice person sometimes. For the eigthly or ninthly time, Tenley realizes that she should just steer clear of the drama.

The “Deliberation Room” is introduced by Harrison. Everyone votes and Crazy Michelle and A-hole Juan get sent packing. No surprises there. In a priceless Bachelor Pad moment, the Weatherman says that Michelle deserved to go home because it’s “hard to put a rose on a strait jacket.” Solid.

After watching this show, I wondered if I was indeed here for the right reasons. It appears that this will be at the very least, entertaining. Thanks for sticking around to read. Please keep the comments coming on the site and on Facebook. We’re growing every week and I enjoy hearing from all of you. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be doing Kegels in my Deliberation Room. DP