Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Bachelor Pad Episode 1: Whore-derves Anyone?

Hello faithful Bach fans and welcome to the six week off season fill in known as The Bachelor Pad. Frankly, I don’t know how many of you will keep watching and/or reading this, but I plan to cover all six episodes. You know, to keep my steel trap wit from rusting. The problem with that is that watching this show almost requires a dim wit. Props to ABC for filling the time slot with something tempting enough to keep the built-in Bach audience and props to Harrison for garnering another fat series of paychecks. Let’s get to it.

We begin as we always do with these tangential shows: with a short recap extolling the virtues of the concept of the 28 day whirlwind “journey for love.” We are reminded that Ryan and Trista are still married and that Jason and Molly got married too. Sure there are two couples who took the plunge. . . . “but then,” Harrison tells us . . . “there’s everyone else.”

Limo shots of crying, crying, and more crying. Again, props to ABC for retooling old, dusty footage of season’s past. The production cost for the show was still at zero. Why are we here we all asked ourselves? I mean it just seems so simple. These people didn’t find love and now they’re back searching for money, right? Not so fast. Amidst “love, hookups, betrayal, backstabbing, cheating, scandal, and a whole lot of crying” this bunch is banking on a second chance at love and a shot at 250 grand.

Bikinis, fast cars, a single bedroom, racy challenges, and tons of booze. The next ten minutes were nothing more than a montage of the previews we’ve been seeing for the last few months on ABC. Again, production cost, zero. Oh, but we’re in for a real treat. Let’s face it. Basically, it’s Survivor without the island and with the strong possibility of venereal diseases. We get it.

We learn that Juan and Nikki had a one night stand. Gross. We learn that Wes is now the “biggest villain in Bachelorette history.” We learn that Kiptyn and Tenley will find romance as they try and decide who has a more ridiculous name. Apparently, “everyone is hoping” that they find love. Right. I don’t think Obama mentioned that in his education speech the other day, but I could have missed it. In classic Harrison narration, he lets us know that Crazy Michelle will lose her mind . . . again. Actually, I took exception at that comment. Not because she’s not a whack job, but because it presupposes that she got her mind back after her last meltdown.

With the set up done and redone, Harrison emerges looking markedly less formal in his jeans, loafers, sport coat and untucked oxford. After all, there’s money on the line here and we don’t want to cheapen the search for love by formalizing something ridiculous. Let’s meet the contestants.

1. Tenley. We remember her. Interpretive dances, touring the country bringing smiles to the faces of little girls from coast to coast as Cindrella, Belle, and the Little Mermaid. Ah yes. Giggly, perky, sweet, innocent, flexible Tenley. Let’s not forget that her “my ex-husband cheated on me even though I remained a virgin until I got married before he dumped me for a trashy woman who would put out” story. How could we forget that story? Just in case we did, Tenley reminds us about it after she jumps around like a six year old waiting on Timberlake’s limo to arrive. Her hot pink off the shoulder ruffly shirt and white short shorts suited her. She looked good. I always liked her. She’s too nice for this show, though.

2. Tattoo Jesse. We saw him on the Men Tell All a couple weeks ago. He looks the same. He’s opted for the standard five o’clock plus a little more shadow. He’s happy to see Harrison and gives him the cool handshake to prove it.

3. Dumb Natalie. Good lord. We all remember her from her famous “I like bears” line that served as the nail in her coffin on the Vegas date with that crying wus, Mesnick. She’s dumb as a box of hammers and as loose as an unhinged shutter in a hurricane. After Tenley screams and jumps around at the sight of her, Natalie quickly gloms on to the only male in the room, Tattoo Jesse. She’s like an on ramp and she’s ready to prove it.

4. Angry Dave. I have to confess, this guy pisses me off. Read my past posts; particularly the one where I went to the wine tasting in Austin when he was there with Wes, Jesse K., Mike M., and Tanner P. He’s a macho jackass. He too sports the five o’clock and them some shadow. He shows up and exits the Town Car in a stupid shirt, stupid jeans, stupid shoes, with a stupid look on his stupid face. He properly executes Harrison the macho “bro” handshake as spelled out in the Man Code Book he’s so fond of and proceeds into the house in search of alcohol. Welcome back, jackass.

5. Gwen. The Carol Brady of the house. How they talked her into being a part of this Tom Foolery is beyond me. Her age is listed as “??” meaning she’s over 40. Shouldn’t she be on a Housewives of Wherever show by now? She, like Tenley, is too nice for this show. Angry Dave comments on her age as he sucks back his first beer. Jackass. Natalie sees him and throws herself at him too for good measure.

6. Jessie the Narc. She’s the one with the hot body who told on Justin “Rated R” Rego because she was so “concerned” for Ali’s well-being. Tenley squeals with delight again as she walks through the door. Congrats on extending your 15 minutes. For some reason we didn’t see her emerge from the Town Car. She was probably putting her dress back on in one of the Producer’s trailers.

7. Weatherman. I love the Weatherman. I’ll give him credit for being such a neurotic mess and still having the stones to walk into the lions’ den. Harrison appears to like him too as he exits the limo. I reminded myself that David killed Goliath, but somehow didn’t see the Weatherman donning a loin cloth and a slingshot to take down Craig M. In true Weatherman form, he immediately starts praying to the camera that Craig M. will not be invited. Fat chance.

8. Nikki. Speaking of neurotic. Remember her? Body issues, man issues, hater of everything fun. Yes, that Nikki. Top it all of with the fact that she got loaded and slept with that putz Juan on some reunion cruise and she’s ready to come unglued. She and her giant chandelier earrings pretend to be “euphoric” about sharing a room with 18 other grown children. My bet is she melts down early.

9. Juan. At 37, he’s old enough to know better. He pretends to “have dated” Nikki, but we all know what that means. Harrison lets him know about two feet from the Town Car that Nikki and her bruised feelings are inside waiting for him and he looks none too thrilled to see her. Natalie opines that Juan “had to sleep with Nikki when he came to Chicago so he could have a free room in the city.” I’m certain Sherlock Holmes would have reached a different conclusion, but hey, Natalie is as Natalie does. Sleeping with strange men is to her what salt was to the Middle Eastern nomads centuries ago. After hearing her comments, the Producers order an intern to put one of those red take a number dispensers on her bedpost. She continues to drink.

10. Wes. Ahh, Wes. For those of you who have been reading me you’ll know that I actually like Wes. Sure, he’s a cheese, but he’s not the bad guy that he got roped into appearing like on Jillian’s season. He gets a “what’s up dude” from Harrison, confirms he’s single after a pregnant pause, quotes his “Love Don’t Come Easy” song, and enters the house where Angry Dave gives him what appeared to be a big gay hug. Upon further examination, it was clear that the Man Code Book permits brief displays of affection between “bros” if they are followed by a “smokin’ hot chick” comments and a swig of alcohol. Natalie chimes in between deciding who she’ll bang first and refers to Wes as a “huge ginormous as*hole.” She’s a huge ginormous tramp. Let’s hope my faith in Wes is not ill founded. I hope he can rally and improve his image here. Like I said, he’s a cheese, but he’s not a bad guy.

11. Krisily. Huh? Upon seeing her name on screen I thought they were simply announcing the type of pasta on the Bach Pad buffet. Like the Weatherman, I have no idea who she is.

12. Elizabeth. Oh boy. At first, I thought that Lindsey Lohan came straight from prison to be on the show. She’s blonde now and has clearly employed Ali’s hair dresser. She actually drops a “blonds have more fun” on Harrison. Seventies catch phrases aside-- What. A. Freaking. Mess. More about her later, but she’s about as stable as a Haitian hut. She exits the Town Car in a royal blue evening gown with a white belt looking like Violet Beauregard before she ate the Everlasting Gobstopper, turned purple, and swelled up before being rolled away by the Oompa Loompas.

13. Jesse K. Also sporting the ridiculous crunchy tussled hair and five o’clock and them some shadow, Jesse exits the Town Car and lets us know that he “hooked up a few times” with Elizabeth but considers them friends now. Good luck with that. Any man eventually learns that the Friends Card can’t be played by anyone but the woman. We soon find out that Elizabeth left the Friends Card back at home on her bathroom vanity right next to her peroxide and her sanity. He’s in for a treat.

14. Kiptyn. Emerges in his black t-shirt and army jacket. Harrison checks the status of the abs and Tenely squeals like a castrated pig when she sees him. Tenley lets us know that she and Kiptyn “have hung out and done dinner and stuff a bunch of times.” I assume that “and stuff” means that they talked about how she was a virgin until she got married and then her husband cheated on her. . . and stuff. She hugs Kiptyn knowingly and he seemed glad to see her too. That’s clearly “on.”

15. Ashley. No comment.

16. Peyton. No comment

17. Crazy Michelle. Minimal comment.

We realize that these three are probably the first three women to go. They should have saved us the aggravation. In the interim, we get a shot of Wes, Jesse K., and Angry Dave. “There’s some freakin’ hot chicks here, man,” spouts Angry Dave through his stupid face. Jackass.

18. Gia. She shows up and all of the men stop in their tracks. Her J.Lo accent knocks her down a couple notches. Who am I kidding, she’s hot. She lets us know that she has a boyfriend. No one cares, especially Wes. I’m actually rooting for her. I gave her a hard time last season, but she won me over in the last couple of episodes. She’s a bit too modelly for me, but seems cool.

19. Craig M. (“McCheesy”). For those of you new to the blog, I christened this d-bag “McCheesy” last season because he looks like Patrick Dempsy’s (“Dr. McDreamy”) less talented, less attractive older brother. He made an ass of himself last season and he’s back doing the same thing again in his too small aqua shirt and white Capri pants and boat shoes. Really? This guy is from Canada for God’s sake. Do they even have summer up there? He enters, macho handshakes everyone, and the Weatherman shakes in his rain boots. That’s clearly “on” as well.

There it is. The line up. Left alone with free booze, the group discusses world changing issues such as love, money, and how tall different people are. Harrison puts an end to it all with the ubiquitous champagne glass. However, in a not-so-subtle move, Harrison trades in the fork for a butter knife. Clearly, Harrison was accenting the phallic symbolism of the butter knife clashing against the empty champagne flute in an attempt to provide us with foreshadowing for the show. He’s a genius.

THE RULES: 19 people, 1 chance at $250K, and unlimited chances at “love.” They compete. Winners get a rose and can take three people on a date and award one rose. Roses stay. The others are voted out by the opposite sex. Simple.

Harrison announces that “his friend” Melissa Rycroft will be his co-host. I can see the pre-production meeting now.

Producer: Come on CH, it’s a ton of money. Look, you can wear hot pink golf shirts and jeans and you won’t have to tuck in your dress shirts with your sport coat.

CH: F that. I’m not agreeing to s*it if I have to show up at the mansion after dark. This is the off season damn it and the women of L.A. are counting on seeing me in various drinking establishments across Orange County.

Producer: Alright, what if we bring in someone. . . say, Melissa Rycroft . . . someone familiar to the audience and with the show who can take all of the s*it assignments for you? You know. She’ll be kind of like that young news reporter who gets sent to report from gang infested Watts at 11pm at night while the anchor sits in the cozy confines of the studio?

CH: Fine, but I want to use a butter knife instead of a fork to ding the champagne glass in order to subtly accent the sexual tension around the house and I want to introduce Melissa as my friend so the audience thinks that this was my idea. Now get out of here and let these two young Asian women finish my hot rock massage.

Done deal. Melissa rubs in the fact that she’s got a personal trainer, won Dancing with the Stars, and has found happiness in marriage. Everyone else laments the fact that the only thing that getting kicked off the show did for them was to get them involved in drunken on night stands on dirty cruise ships and some time on a new reality show.

Dumb Natalie and the rest of the bunch drink some more as they explore the house and discover that there’s one bedroom. Natalie sluts it up by showing us that she’s not wearing underwear (literally), Nikki hates all of the fun, and Tenley jumps on the top bunk reminding herself that she has an identical set up right next to her doll house at home, you know, for sleepovers and stuff. Angry Dave retires to the pool and tells us that, smokin’ hot or not, chicks are really really sneaky. Jackass.

Rycroft cuts off the booze and whore-derves and announces the first competition. It’s Twister and the guys are going to go head-to-rear end against the girls. In the yard sits a giant Twister board and we imagine that the Producers had Natalie rub, kiss, and caress a small Twister board until it became excited and grew into a big Twister board.

I’m going to gloss over the Twister match. Let’s just say that some of the shots were done with a sigmoidoscope. I haven’t seen anything that gratuitous on prime time television since. . .well, ever. After half of the bunch got eliminated for a failure to recall right from left, Jessie and her tight little bikini ended up losing to McCheesy and his hair and the girls’ plan to oust him was thwarted. Good God, it’s going to be a long six weeks. The highlight of the entire thing was seeing Harrison in his hot pink, untucked knit shirt and jeans. Sure, he’s casual, but he still displayed his bling bling Cartier watch to let us know he’s the Man. Rycroft was annoying. After the heated competition we get a recap of the rules again, again, and again. Two hours is a lot of time to fill.

Sitting pretty, McCheesy emerges in his tiny teal shirt, linen capris, loafers, and obnoxious Rat Pack hat. He looked ridiculous. He reminds us that he’s got the best spot in the “hoose” and he’s ready to talk “aboot” who he will choose for his date. I was reminded of a major difference between Canada and America. In America, Moosehead is a beer. In Canada, it’s a misdemeanor.

McCheesy talks to a few of the broads around the hoose, convinces Elizabeth to give him a chance, and Crazy Michelle gets her claws ready. During night one, several people are awakened by the sound of kissing and rolling around in the sheets and Tenley opines that Michelle made her move on McCheesy in order to win the date. That’s never confirmed and I wondered if it wasn’t just the Weatherman enjoying some alone time in his bunk.

Rumor mill ignited, Crazy Michelle’s fuse is lit. But first, McCheesy gets the date card. He invites Jessie (they agreed on it during the Twister match), Gwen (safe choice), and Elizabeth. Elizabeth pretends Jesse K. cares and he looks relieved to get her out of the house for 4 hours. McCheesy and the girls musk up for the date as Natalie runs outside to caress, kiss, and fondle the Town Car in order for it to grow into a limo. Everyone thanks Natalie for the effort and they get in the limo in their swimsuits to head for the beach. Elizabeth sticks up for the Weatherman but proves how easy she is when McCheesy almost moves in for the kiss. Jessie is glad to have her 15 minutes extended in an environment where she can show off her smokin’ hot Canadian assets, and Gwen gets no camera time.

Back at the Brothel, Natalie makes out with Tattoo Jesse ignoring the fact that he loves outdoors and kisses his dogs. She lets him know that she’s a NASCAR fan. After all, like her, race car drivers burn a lot of rubbers. Jesse looks relieved that he’s won Natalie’s affections for the moment. Well, at least until the other guys get correct change. Juan and Gia talk and she praises him for “not like thinking with like his penis.” I took offense at that comment. How do you think I type this blog?

McCheesy boots Gwen and Elizabeth at the Greek Theater and attempts to dance the evening away with Jessie. Can someone PLEASE learn how to lead a woman around the dance floor on this show? Is that just a Texas thing, or am I nuts? For God’s sake, that was painful to watch. Ice skating is harder than dancing and everyone in Canada can do that. Elizabeth and Gwen plot McCheesy’s demise as they head back to the house of ill repute. She looks like Lindsey Lohan again.

Jesse K. has to deal with the mess that is Elizabeth. She “loves” him as we literally feel his regret as he replays the series of drunken one night stands that put him in this position. Brutal. That’s what you get for sleeping with a crazy chick, dude. Put that in your Man Code Book and smoke it.

Incidentally, Elizabeth is what we men refer to as “Third Date Crazy.” That’s actually worse than Michelle Crazy. Here’s the difference. Women like Michelle can be spotted miles away. They might as well wear a big orange vest and carry a flag that says “I’m Freaking Crazy.” Dodging girls like that is easy. Elizabeth on the other hand appears sane, together, and fun when you meet her. She regales you with fun stories, flirts effectively, and plays hard to get. Interested, you ask for her number and she obliges. After a few phone conversations, you ask her out. Date one is perfect. Dinner, conversation, and even a brief “excuse me for a second, I need to call my mother back so she doesn’t worry about me” intermission. Everything SEEMS normal. Date two goes well and she let’s you get to second base, perhaps third depending on the quality of the wine you buy her at the steakhouse. You close the deal on date number three and BAM, she comes unwound like a Roy Hobbs home run ball and sparks fly. Third. Date. Crazy.

Unfortunately, that kind of crazy is really hard to pick up. I treat it the same way I’d treat seeing a red, yellow, and black striped snake in the wild. None of that “red and yellow kill a fellow or red and black friend of Jack” stuff. You treat a girl like Elizabeth the same way you’d treat a pistol, a grenade, or Sean Penn: You always assume they are loaded. Jesse K. learned that lesson the hard way.

Speaking of loaded, Natalie continues to drink and takes a break from doing her Kegels in order to suck face with Tattoo Jesse some more. I really hope she paces herself with the drinking and carrying on. It would be terrible if she had to have a kidney transplant or something. Actually, it would be ironic if she had to have a kidney transplant because that’s the only time her body might actually reject an organ. Moving on, Crazy Michelle melts down on Tenley in the bathroom and poor Tenely cries because she got scared. It sucks to be a nice person sometimes. For the eigthly or ninthly time, Tenley realizes that she should just steer clear of the drama.

The “Deliberation Room” is introduced by Harrison. Everyone votes and Crazy Michelle and A-hole Juan get sent packing. No surprises there. In a priceless Bachelor Pad moment, the Weatherman says that Michelle deserved to go home because it’s “hard to put a rose on a strait jacket.” Solid.

After watching this show, I wondered if I was indeed here for the right reasons. It appears that this will be at the very least, entertaining. Thanks for sticking around to read. Please keep the comments coming on the site and on Facebook. We’re growing every week and I enjoy hearing from all of you. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be doing Kegels in my Deliberation Room. DP

45 comments:

  1. Spot on, once again. Castrated pig was the perfect description of Tenley as the welcome wagon. The weatherman had some good zingers and I suspect Elizabeth is a meth addict. C-R-A-Z-Y. I must admit I think less of myself for watching this but your blog is so hilarious.

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  2. fleurt, Go easy on yourself. It's good fun. Thanks for reading and commenting. This should be an interesting season. DP

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  3. Entertaining, as usual! You seem to still be a little cranky from last week...angry dave makes you angry. :) What I want to know is why Wes, after doing a lengthy interview with Reality Steve about how he got screwed and edited so badly the first time, would subject himself to this with ABC again. He did look like a complete jerk during Jillian's season, but I do believe his interview. I'm asking you b/c you've said you run into him, and I refuse to converse w/ Reality Steve.

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  4. you are so freakin' witty it kills me!! haha only organ her body might reject!!! And i love your disdain for Dave. He IS a jackass!

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  5. That Weatherman quote was my favorite of the night. I nearly spit my wine on the tv I was laughing so hard. Classic.

    What I want to know is what are all these people doing that they can just take off a couple of weeks from work. I get that Kovac owns his own winery and can do whatever he wants and Wes is a starving artist...but what do the others tell their employers???

    I-like-bears-Natalie: Hey boss I need to take a couple of weeks of extra vacation this year because I've signed on for yet another reality show.

    Boss: Oh really? It's not the Bachelor again is it? Because that show made you look really uneducated and cheap. I'm not sure our business can really take that kind of publicity again.

    ILB Natalie: Oh no! It's totally different! And I promise not to make an idiot out of myself this time. No worries here Boss!

    Really??? Seriously. I'd love to know the answer to that question.

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  6. For whatever reason, this line made me laugh out loud: "She looks like Lindsay Lohan again." Loved the shout out to Roy Hobbs. Thanks for the definition of Third Date Crazy. Funny stuff! And I think I heart the Weatherman a little bit. He's a riot.

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  7. Lindsay Lohan, thats who she looks like. Couldn't quite figure that one out. Love the definition of third date crazy. Have to tell that one to my youngest son. He has been dealing with third date crazy for the last month. LOL

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  8. wenigere, I can't speak for Wes, but I think despite his "bad edit" he really enjoys the recognition and attention that he gets from the show. They stay for free, get paid to be on the show, and get to party all day. Who wouldn't jump at another chance? Point well taken, though. We'll have to see what happens.

    True, Exactly correct. Cheap and uneducated is right. She's old enough not to act like a sleeze.

    kinnc, it's always interesting to me what lines make people laugh. That's not the one I would have picked, but I love that it made sense to you. She did, in fact, look like Lohan--she was about as stable has her too. What a mess. DP

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  9. DP, loved the definition of third date crazy, pretty spot on. The Weatherman was our local morning weatherman until he decided to try out for fame and fortune. I always thought he ws gay. But have to admit he had the best line of the night regarding Crazy Michelle.
    Honestly, when I finished watching the show I felt I needed a shower. Can you catch an STD from watching this show?
    Call me crazy, but I'll probably watch again next week.
    Loved your post, you always are so observant and extremely funny. Sure makes Tuesdays go by easy.

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  10. Loved your blog!!! If nothing else,this show will provide some laughs. I think the best part of the whole show was when the credits were rolling and the Weatherman was strumming his guitar. One of the girls was singing an impromptu song about how "she always knows what to wear because of the Weatherman." Cracked me up! I also was a bit shocked by Michelle cornering poor Tenley in the bathroom like a rabid dog!
    Cindy from Cincinnati

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  11. liana, let's put the dirty feelings behind us an appreciate the jumbled mess that is the Bachelor Pad. Embrace it. Don't run away. DP

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  12. Hilarious as always, and this line toward the end totally did me in:
    "Actually, it would be ironic if she had to have a kidney transplant because that’s the only time her body might actually reject an organ."

    If thinking with, like, your penis makes this witty Tuesday afternoon treat possible, keep at it my friend!

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  13. It's not so much that I felt dirty after watching this, it's that I felt much, much dumber. I mean, I hold an advanced degree and am gainfully employed...but every time Natalie opened her mouth I think I lost brain cells. And Elizabeth cannot get off my screen fast enough. So much for Nebraska pride -- that girl just straight-up sucks.

    Thank you for at least brightening my Tuesday and keeping the recaps going -- reading this made me feel better about watching this drivel (and snicker loudly enough to make my co-workers give me odd looks...). Good work as always.

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  14. Karen Said...
    Great recap...the women I watched with were hysterical the whole time. We sort of liked how it cut to the chase and the competition begins! I think it is so funny these nut jobs have been hooking up and now have to live together and film it all....I can only imagine how that bedroom is going to smell by week 6! Like Natalies aired out coochie...speaking of Natalie and Jesse, all good for love but do they have jobs-- they both come across about as smart as a box of rocks. Jesse is a classic mimbo and Natalie-well you nailed it! Their romance will be over as soon as they are sharing a couch at one of their parents houses.

    Weatherman is everybodies GBFF...
    and Harrison's tie at the end ceremony was awful and looked like it came from Tommy Bahama the Funeral Collection.

    So looking forward to next week, looooove your blog and we'll be watching in DENVER:)

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  15. Hey SomeGuy! I've been reading Lincee for years and I've read your guest posts, but this was my first experience reading YOUR recap! I love it! You're hilarious, I will be adding you to my Tuesday afternoon reading rotation. Keep it up!

    Whore-derves, the only organ her body would ever reject, third-date crazy...I hope you're writing a book!

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  16. Hillarious blog, like most I can't believe I watch it but it's kinda like being in the "in crowd" you do it because everyone else is and you want to know what everyone is talking about. As I watch I'm thinking ohh he is so gonna talk about that in the blog tomorrow. For whatever reason I'm hooked & your blog makes me feel like I'm not crazy for watching the train wreck as it happens...Thanks:)

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  17. Best line: "During night one, several people are awakened by the sound of kissing and rolling around in the sheets and Tenley opines that Michelle made her move on McCheesy in order to win the date. That’s never confirmed and I wondered if it wasn’t just the Weatherman enjoying some alone time in his bunk."

    Bless his sweet heart.

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  18. You are so funny! I actually thought last night that Craig was "normal". That's scary. OK, so my main concern is should this show air during primetime tv. I think it's more for 11:00 pm when all the porn shows air. May not last long in my house considering my kids are not in bed at 8:00. What happened to Natalie, she went from 12 yrs old to 21 and living the Vegas nightlife. Easy girl! As always great recap and I too loved Gwen. Are you single, she seems like a great girl. I think she is 39???
    Kim in Nevada

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  19. This may not be popular, but Tenley got on my nerves! I liked her during her season, but last night she was just ridiculous. She was either squealing like a stuck pig or crying her eyes out. She is a drama queen (acting like a prom queen or the belle of the ball). I think she may have a touch of instability brewing inside of her.

    Elizabeth looked way better as a brunette.

    Love the Roy Hobbs reference. :-)

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  20. Some Guy,

    YOU ARE THE MAN!!!I love reading a dude's point of view on his train wreck! Quite witty!

    I SO agree with you about the dancing! That should be taught in ALL schools instead of, lets say.......Service Learning!!!

    Your blog is awesome!

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  21. Could you tell us which post has the bit about Angry Dave and the wine tasting? I wanna check it out!
    Kady from Oregon

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  22. Lady, thanks for asking. Wine tasting is from August of 2009. It's entitled "Return of the Bachelorette". Click on the icons on the right to find it. Enjoy. DP

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  23. Did anyone notice that they moved the rose ceremony to the parking lot

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  24. Tenley is sooo annoying!! I don't get guys who like girls who act and talk like babies...shut up already.

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  25. LOVED Third Date Crazy!

    Thanks for the laughs as always!

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  26. Funny as always. I love seeing funny moments in the show and thinking "they'll have a field day with that in the blogs tomorrow".

    My favourite line was "he Weatherman enjoying some alone time in his bunk."

    Glad someone else posted about how annoying Tenley is, I just don't get why people love her so much. I thought she totally overreacted to the Michelle thing, I was hoping they'd get into a cat fight :-)

    Belinda
    Ontario Canada

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  27. "I took offense at that comment. How do you think I type this blog?" that had me laughing out loud at the office, along with the kidney transplant and weatherman-bunk lines!
    Love it! And though Michelle scares the crap out of me and I think I'd be scared in her presence, I wish she hung around for awhile longer.
    Love your blog! Keep thinking with whatever you're thinking with!
    Clare

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  28. Oh, and I think I'm gonna have to say "Jackass" out loud everytime Angry Dave shows up in upcoming episodes.
    Clare

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  29. Clare and Belinda, yes, the bunk and the kidney lines seem to be the most popular this week. I'm thrilled that I could be the source of a big fat break in your day. Angry Dave is indeed a jackass. In fact, that word will be the new "amazing" in my blog as long as he's on the show. Thanks for reading and commenting. DP

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  30. Hey DP, if you're doing Keigles you may have more in common w/ Weatherman that you thought! Keep it up...funny stuff here!
    Kay in NashVegas

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  31. I would have posted sooner, but I've been showering Silkwood style since 10:01 Monday night (still haven't got the stank of this show off me). Aaaaaanyway, great recap as usual. I agree about the dancing, btw. I lived in Texas for 5 years and have never, before or since, found men who knew how to lead on a dance floor like the men there did.

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  32. I kind of want to smack Elizabeth. She is a nut job and one of those bitchy girls who LOVES to play games (which we figured out on Jake's season, obviously she's only gotten worse). Also, have some pride. She needs to read "He's Just Not That Into You." Seriously.

    Best lines:
    She lets him know that she’s a NASCAR fan. After all, like her, race car drivers burn a lot of rubbers.

    In America, Moosehead is a beer. In Canada, it’s a misdemeanor.

    I took offense at that comment. How do you think I type this blog?

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  33. DP, I went back to your comments at the beginning of Jake's season to see what you had said about Crazy Michelle. Man, you were right on! LOL

    "17. Michelle—she’s “ready to be a wife.” We quickly find out that she’s nuts with a capital U. Even Ed and Jillian seemed horrified. She was like a better looking, younger version of Kathy Bates in Misery. She’s an Office Manager. Clearly, she manages a Post Office. Jillian characterized her as “emotional.” Right, and the Grand Canyon is a hole in the ground. Ed said she was “over sincere.” Translation: she’s off the reservation. She’ll stick around at the producers’ insistence. She got a rose."

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  34. Amy, love the Silkwood reference. I imagine it will only get worse as the season moves on. The good news is that there are only six shows.

    Stacey C., thank you for not answering my rhetorical "how do you think I type this blog" question. It's better that way.

    Liana, I suppose my analysis was a bit prophetic. However, prediciting that meltdown is like predicting sunrise in Hawaii. Still, thanks for making me feel important. DP

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  35. Oh my word, this is your funniest post ever, between the nomadic salt reference, the oompa loompa's and the small twister board morphing reference I am hysterical.

    I too can't stand angry Dave, you can just look at the guy and see his rage. He is indeed a jack-ass.

    Enjoyed immensely - thank you - and I just read your tell all finally (was in T.O.) for a bit. Quite informative. What kind of Law do you practice?

    Must go now and read your post about Angry Dave at the wine tasting...can't wait.

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  36. I liked it when Jessie the Snitch brought the table inside with the date card. Third Date Crazy. Yes. Men can be TDC, too. I have the stalker love poems with references to amputations to prove it.

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  37. DP, I was dying to see your comments on the scene with Michelle without makeup - as if she wasn't scary enough already! What a difference!

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  38. Third date crazy.... Ha ha ha. Totally sums up Elizabeth.

    MelissaT

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  39. Angry Dave is the kind of guy I would punch in a bar and go to jail for and be happy about it.
    Tenley - UGH. Not sure why the guys like her. Annoying, the squealing, the clapping, jumping up and down 12 year-old voice.

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  40. hee hee:

    "Basically, it’s Survivor without the island and with the strong possibility of venereal diseases."

    "He shows up and exits the Town Car in a stupid shirt, stupid jeans, stupid shoes, with a stupid look on his stupid face."

    "She was probably putting her dress back on in one of the Producer’s trailers."



    HA HA HAHAAAAA

    "I was reminded of a major difference between Canada and America. In America, Moosehead is a beer. In Canada, it’s a misdemeanor"

    "You treat a girl like Elizabeth the same way you’d treat a pistol, a grenade, or Sean Penn: You always assume they are loaded. "

    Great recap!
    --Michelle (not that one!)

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  41. OK, being from Texas I liked the "I treat it the same way I’d treat seeing a red, yellow, and black striped snake in the wild. None of that “red and yellow kill a fellow or red and black friend of Jack” stuff." reference.

    The only problem I have found with that is the stripes are really tiny and I can't seem to get the snake to sit still long enough and get close enough to tell if red is touching yellow or if they are just kinda close or if they kind of run together and make orange. I tried asking a snake once but got no response.

    Nice recap and just for the record, I couldn't tell how you really feel about Dave. About 50/50 on him then???

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  42. I'll elaborate on this point in next week's post, but I've decided that I need to take a firm stance on one man and one woman in the house who I'd like to win. I have two in mind now. I need to ponder this over a few Lone Stars this weekend. Oh, and it's not Angry Dave. Jackass. DP

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  43. DP, I found your site thru green beans. Love, love, love your recap. I am also a fan of Eddie and The Cruisers. I wonder how many of your clients know that you write this blog and if they laugh their butttts off too! I live in San Antonio so it is nice to hear another Texas point of view. Enjoy your Lone Star - the official beer of Texas. Debbie

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  44. Didn't you love how Tenley said (in regard to Michelle's confrontation), "I vuz soo scared!" Then she gives a little girl, scared face. How old is Tenley mentally, two or three? What the heck is she doing on these Bachelor shows? She should be teaching preschool somewhere.

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  45. thank you for the reminders throughout that dave whatever is a jackass. such a jackass. i am not convinced on wes - just don't see how he can possibly defend that limo scene after jillian sent him packing...btw, melissa rycroft did not win DWTS - it was the cute "shawn the gymnast" i thought, and i don't think CH is letting her be a real co-host. she has no lines and just hands out roses. this is definitely the trashiest show we've ever watched in our home, i covered my own eyes during twister a few times.

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