Bachelor Pad Episode 2: There's No "I" in "Uterus"

Welcome back forlorn Bachelor fans. Here we are in week two of our least favorite time filler, The Bachelor Pad, and things are beginning to heat up. This week’s lead in promised more crying, more sex, and more tension. Strategies begin to unfold like Natalie after a bottle of cheap wine and alliances begin to stick like the sheets in the community bedroom. Before we get started I wanted to let you know that I’m working on another entry that I will probably post later this week. I’ll keep its content a secret, but I’ll let y’all know when I post. As always, thanks for taking the time to stop your respective days and read what spills from my brain between 11pm and 2am Central Standard Time right here in the great State of Texas. A special shout out goes to the friendly folks I frolicked with at Barton Springs Pool this weekend. It’s always humbling to be around people with far more tattoos than me. I actually saw a guy with the artwork from the cover of Led Zeppelin I across his entire back. Whether you’re partial to that sort of thing or not, you have to respect that type of commitment. Let’s get to it.

We begin with the booze fest that took place after last week’s rose ceremony. Of course, none of us can remember who got kicked off and, frankly, it doesn’t matter anyway. Angry Dave let’s us know that he and his pseudo beard are relieved to be done with the ceremony. Jackass. Elizabeth immediately throws her meat hooks into “Kovacs” and attempts to disguise her desperation for his attention as a viable game strategy. She looked less like Lindsey Lohan this week but still had on enough eye liner and mascara to scare a raccoon. Defeated, Kovacs realizes that it’s better to placate her rather than piss her off. Ironically, a man usually has to be married for a while in order to learn that lesson. He reevaluates his plan and lets us know that he’s going to go with the “couple strategy.” Whatever, dude. Sleeping with a crazy chick is never a good idea. Voluntarily locking yourself in a house with that same crazy chick and a bunch of other single people is an even worse idea. You should have never have left the winery. Some of life’s lessons are learned the hard way, I suppose.

We cut next to Natalie canoodling with Tattoo Jesse on what we hope is disposable patio furniture. Of course, she’s drinking and we get a bit of foreshadowing as a semi-bored looking Jesse refers to Natalie as a “rad chick.” He “can’t wait to find out more about her” he tells us and, as we’ll learn later in the show, he finds out more than he wanted to know. Apparently, all he had to do to find out more about her was to read the graffiti in the men’s bathroom or inspect the rug burns on her knees. Apparently, she’s given more rides than the Long Island Rail Road. In the meantime, they suck face to respectable camera angles and we all sighed and wondered if she chose to wear underwear this time. The designated make-out guitar music plays over the scene and we picture the guy hired to be the make-out guitarist regretting his failure to negotiate his pay on a per make-out scene basis rather than settling for a flat fee.

We then get a sneak peak at this season’s annoying Survivor-esque classification of our contestants. There are “Insiders” and “Outsiders” and the house is ready to divide like the House of Usher. More about that later. First, it’s time to eat some pie. We learn upon awakening in the community brothel that it’s “Challenge Day.” Incidentally, I noticed that some of the guys and girls were wearing similar t-shirts, hats, and accessories this week. I wondered if upon arrival they were given gift bags full of free swag. I suppose the men would get a t-shirt, a hat, condoms, and a pack of wet wipes while the women would get a pregnancy test and a free prescription for the morning after pill. Save the Weatherman, of course, whose gift basket would contain a pinwheel, a Judy Garland CD, and some salve for the rug burns on his knees.

The previously silent Peyton is our set up vehicle and tells us in her odd accent a la Julie from the movie Valley Girl (1983-ish?) that the entire situation “could totally just all go bananas.” Fer sure, Peyton. Fer sure.

After gagging myself with a spoon, I listened intently at the classification of the “Outsiders” vs. the “Insiders.” Peyton, Krisily, Gia, Gwen, and Nikki are apparently the “Outsiders.” Translation: All of the girls who no one will sleep with or who voluntarily won’t put out. Easy enough. The sluts get all the attention. That’s nothing new, right? I was just glad that I didn’t have to wonder if Pony Boy and Sodapop Curtis were going to get a lickin’ from their older brother Daryl for staying out too late at Dallas Winston’s party but I was disappointed that Cherry Valance wouldn’t be making an appearance. Outsiders, indeed.

Melissa Rycroft shows up early in a size zero dress and a pair of white pumps. Remember, she’s blocking for Harrison. He doesn’t get up early for this nonsense and the party doesn’t start until he shows up anyway. The Weatherman worries more than a stray hamster in a San Francisco night club about his ability to compete with the macho men of the house.

Harrison shows up in untucked gingham and jeans and shows Rycroft how it’s done. Watch and learn, Melissa. Harrison lets everyone know that we’re gonna have a good ole fashioned pie eatin’ contest. Are you kidding me? I asked myself as I sipped a Lone Star beer and chuckled. A pie eating contest? Subtle. As if that wasn’t Freudian enough, Harrison tells us that it’s a cherry pie (again, subtle) and the winner must fully devour it in order to earn a safety rose and a date. Melissa gets to mention that hands cannot be used.

Ladies first. Considering that most of these women are familiar with the concept of binging and purging, I was hopeful that the contest would go smoothly. Hold the phone, though. Krisily pulls a confused Harrison aside and informs him . . . sniffle sniffle . . . that like a 70’s female tennis player, she’s eaten plenty of pie in the past; however, she’s recently had her gall bladder removed and can’t risk eating large amounts of food. The look on Harrison’s face was priceless. Excused, Krisily retires to the back of the pack in order to long for her forgotten gall bladder and wonder why her parents named her Krisily. That name sounds like a word you’d hear in Lewis Carroll’s Jabberwocky. Let’s try it.

’Twas brillig, and the Krisily toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All Krisily were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
“Beware the Jabberwock, Harrison!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!”

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the Krisily foe he sought—
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And Krisily as it came!

One, two! One, two! and through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

“And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”
He chortled in his joy.

’Twas brillig, and the Krisily toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All Krisily were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

See, I told you. It totally works. Annnnyyyhooo . . .

I found it odd how funneling down an inordinate amount of alcohol with no gall bladder is perfectly fine, but throw in a cherry pie and she runs away like Forrest Gump from a pack of bullies. I wondered if she’d been checked for mold sickness as well.

The contest begins as we watch the humiliation unfold. Of course, shirts come off and we get some gratuitous bikini and sports bra boob shots. Gia takes a seat at the end of the table and she’s clearly wearing her game face. Well, that’s what I thought anyway. Thanks to Mister Botox and Senor Collagen her game face looks exactly the same as her sad face, happy face, angry face, pouty face, and O-face. Regardless, she’s ready to eat some pie.

Tenley, Gia, and Natalie puke and the first two press on like champions. Tenley whines a bit, but rallies and Gia goes to town with encouragement from Wes. Natalie gets up to puke and then retires to the house to finish her morning Kegels and carefully hold the wand up to the light at the right angle in order to determine if there’s a plus or minus sign on it. Harrison supplies trash cans for some puking and compliments Jessie S. for “goin’ after it.” Oddly enough, she received the identical compliment multiple times from the production crew the night before. Gia eats her own pie and wins the rose. Frankly, I was impressed with Tenley and Gia. As we’ll see in a minute, they proved themselves to be far more resilient than the “tough” guys of the house like Angry Dave. Jackass.

We cut next to the neurotic mess that is the Weatherman as he fears an inability to stack up to the larger, more masculine “men” of the house despite wearing his “Truth” Affliction shirt. Is it just me or can everyone not wait until that entire brand goes out of style right along with Ed Hardy and their ilk? Bedazzled calligraphy? Bedazzled gothic crosses? Awful. I suppose the Weatherman would have been more excited if it would have been a hot dog eating contest but that’s an entirely different discussion. As the men sat down I noticed that the Weatherman was the only male in the house without facial hair. I found that ironic considering the fact that the Weatherman is the only one in the house who actually needs a beard. I realize that most of you won’t get that joke, but those of you who do will laugh hard enough to compensate for the others.

Moving on we cut to Angry Dave—jackass—who tells us that he likes his chances because he eats six meals a day and is physically fit. Whatever. I suppose if this was a Power Bar eating contest or a contest to see who could drink a gallon jug full of protein shake he would have a point. Spending an entire paycheck at GNC on Muscle Milk and various other non-FDA approved placebos does not qualify you to do anything. Jackass.

The men begin to eat and Kovacs and Angry Dave—the early favorites—roll over faster than Natalie on first date. Jackass. McCheesy inexplicably puts his hair into the pie and lets us know that his hair is “a multi-purpose tool.” Yea, so are you Craig. So are you. The Weatherman finds his groove and begins to school the rest of the men on how to eat a cherry pie. The irony was literally killing me. Angry Dave concedes defeat to the Weatherman during his one-on-one as we see the Weatherman emphatically win the contest. Sexuality questions aside, I was glad he won. We all like the Weatherman. As they say in certain parts of East Texas, “Bless his little heart.”

Pie eating settled we move on to strategy talk as Gia and the Weatherman enjoy their victories. Jessie S. and McCheesy discuss his Sean Penn from Dead Man Walking haircut and agree to watch out for each other. Gia and the Weatherman talk post-shower and Gia begins to show that she’s not an idiot. The Insider alliance of Natalie, Elizabeth, Tenley, Kiptyn, Kovacs, and Angry Dave (Jackass) is revealed and Gia begins to hatch a plan to unwind it. She suggests people for the Weatherman to take on his date and he appears to listen. I pictured his rational self in his Weatherman suit standing on one shoulder and his neurotic self standing on the other in an Affliction shirt.

The Date Card arrives and Krisily, demonstrating that gall bladder removal does not effect a person’s ability to suck up to people in positions of power, dutifully retrieves the date card for the Weatherman. Weatherman reads the “reveal your true selves” card and shuns Krisily’s frumious Bandersnatch as chooses Gwen, Peyton, and Ashley for the date. Kovacs is the first of the drunken Insiders to realize that the Weatherman is actually a legitimate threat. Of course he is. We all recall that closeted gay guy we went to high school with who was friends with all of the girls to the extent that he got invited to slumber parties and was even permitted to watch them change clothes. There was always one of the girls in the group who would sleep with him in order to un-gay him, but it never worked. We all know that guy and, God willing, we’ll run into him at our reunion where he will have finally embraced his big gay self in order to lead an open, honest life. That guy in this scenario is the Weatherman. Unthreatening and unassuming get you places that macho and overbearing don’t. Angry Dave should learn that. Jackass.

The Weatherman limos the ladies to some warehouse on the outside of town where they go inside and he dons a Speedo and gets finger painted by the ladies. That was just weird. Back at Gomorrah with all of that pesky morality, scruples, and conscious gone, the Insiders go outside to have a party inside the hot tub and the Outsiders stay inside to strategize outside the earshot of the Insiders. Outside of the house and inside the warehouse, the Weatherman pulls Peyton aside to see whether she’ll side with the Insiders or the Outsiders and she says it would be suicide to side with the Insiders since she is, in fact, an Outsider so she’s happy to decide to stay inside the Outsiders’ alliance and the Weatherman is beside himself because he feels that Peyton is a bona fide Outsider. He then chooses to confide in Ashley who is undecided as to her Outside or Inside status and proceeds to deride some of the folks on the Outside but fails to commit to the Inside until her doubt subsides. The Weatherman then takes Gwen outside to share some feelings he has for her on the inside as they sit on the West side of the building. Clearly, Gwen is an Outsider and she chooses to ride the Weatherman’s affection for her but makes it clear that he will never be inside of her. Convinced that she will abide and glad she complied with the Outside alliance instead of seeking to divide from the Inside, he gives her the rose and confides in her. In the meantime, the Insiders sit poolside and realize they’re too drunk to strategize. Phew . . . this is confusing.

Cut to the standard warm ups and wife beaters in the kitchen shots as we see the hung over bunch getting ready for some coffee and Red Bull as Angry Dave and his sideways ball cap suck up to Gia and her pie eating rose date power. Jackass. The date card comes and Gia fights through the ever stiffening collagen and Botox in order to read it. “Love is Intense” it reads as we ponder her Sheena of the Jungle headband and weird upper arm jewelry selection. Gia chooses McCheesy and Wes and fakes like she randomly chose Jesse B. by putting cards with only his name in a bowl and “randomly” selecting him. Check out the Big Brain on Gia! That move impressed me, as did the way she carried herself and directed the strategy—well, right up until she got tipsy and began to think with her hoo ha, but that’s a separate issue.

Date slots in place, Gia finds the Weatherman and talks some serious strategy. Sober, she really seemed to have a grip on the game and the correct moves to make. Look, she’s not Bobby Fisher, but then again Natalie is not Boris Kasparov either. She’s more like Whoris Myclothesarov. Despite making perfect sense, the Weatherman refuses to buy into the strategy until Gia gets so emotional she almost wrinkled her forehead. She gets the Weatherman on board and proceeds to get ready for the big date.

In the meantime Angry Dave (jackass), Kiptyn, and Kovacs ignore the homosexual coincidence that all of their shirts match and try and manage a cohesive strategy despite the mixture of protein shakes, testosterone, Red Bull, and alcohol coursing through their veins. Gia gets McCheesy alone, ignores his super feminine leg cross, and lays out her plan. McCheesy actually did an excellent job of rehabilitating his tattered image from Ali’s season. It’s amazing what completing 6 of the 12 steps in time for filming can do to a guy. She unequivocally promises him the rose and McCheesy is McHappy.

After reading their pregnancy tests Ashley, Natalie, and Elizabeth share a brain cell and think real super hard to figure out the best way to keep all of them drinking for free for at the mansion for another couple of weeks. Elizabeth definitely received some image help and we can imagine that after last week’s Lohan impression the Producers decided to send in the hair and makeup team to rescue her. It’s amazing what a little cover up, and a Chi 67869 Turbo Hair Straightening Iron and the Chi Pro Ionic Hair Dryer with Low EMF can do for a girl. Incidentally, what’s the deal with “Low EMF?” Is that the female equivalent to Martinizing? How is that even measured and why does it matter? How does the Chi Pro Ionic Hair Dryer differ from the cheap ConAir one I can buy at the local pharmacy? What’s a Pro Ion? I have so many questions. Regardless, Elizabeth looked stable this week. We’ll see if she completes the makeover by ditching the black Sharpie she used to line her eyes for a tasteful amount of eye liner and mascara next week.

Gia and Jesse paint henna on each other’s hands in favor of the inexplicable Moroccan dinner theme and he becomes putty in her hands. Let’s face it. Gia is hot. She’s cool too and 25 year old guys who live in small Missouri towns with their dogs don’t get to be close to a lot of Gia’s on a regular basis. Gia talks and Jesse eyes her jugs as if they were speakers projecting her voice into his ears. The best part was when she claimed to respect his “relationship” with Natalie and he disowned it faster than a gay stepson. Gia hopes aloud that Jesse is not “throwing smoke up her butt.” Jesse was thinking of throwing something somewhere else, but Gia did her job to get him on board.

Back at the Slut Shack Kovacs and Elizabeth talk strategy in the hot tub and she characterizes herself as a “dumb smart girl” and proceeds to throw herself at him. Well, two of those three words are true. After all that heavy thinkin’ it’s time for a hot shower and the resident guitar player strums his favorite porn theme as Elizabeth makes her father proud by showering on camera with Kovacs. You’ve got to love a lady. She’s about as much a lady as Eliza Doolittle was before she met Henry Higgins. Trampy is as trampy does.

Back at the circus tent, Gia and an incredibly slurry Wes give each other hand jobs and discuss how much they love each other. I’ll give Wes credit, the guy is a charmer. He and Gia have the standard “I love you” talk that all drunk people have and she turns off her brain in favor of her uterus. She gives the rose to Wes as McCheesy and the rest of us sit there dumbfounded. Props to Wes for making a run for the end zone, but I don’t think he did himself any favors by getting the rose. He’s a fringe guy and he’s liked by both the Outsiders and the Insiders. The smart move would have been to keep McCheesy, but hey, let’s give credit where credit is due. Don’t be surprised if that move comes back to haunt him.

Back at the mansion the Outsiders ponder Gia’s slip and fall as Angry Dave gets some hot tub time with Jessie S. Jackasses. Krisily sits strategically among the borrogroves as Angry Dave and Jessie S. gyre and gimble in the wabe. Convinced that Jessie S. is a two-faced hussy, Krisily seeks out Kiptyn and claims that up to this point she’s “tried to play Switzerland.” I found that ironic considering that Jessie S. was like France: she allowed herself to be invaded by an army of men.

In the meantime, Jesse B., fresh off his Gia encounter, sits Natalie down and she actually confirms that she’s “made the rounds” with the other guys in the house. Jesse B. gives her the “great time” and “full of energy” speech and dumps Natalie like the drunken tramp that she’s acted like. Man, facing reality is a bitch, isn’t it? Off camera we hear all of Natalie’s chickens coming home to roost and she realizes that she’ll have to spend at least one night alone lying in the bed that she’s made for herself. Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes. In the meantime, Gia owns her mistake and tries to keep her plan in action. I’ll give her credit for admitting fault and trying to fix it. She did a nice job.

Harrison enters the room with the ubiquitous champagne class and butter knife and summons everyone into the house where they all pretend that his black and white plaid shirt and dark suit match his purple polka dotted tie. Look, everyone knows that I love Harrison, but even he couldn’t pull that one off. It looked like he packed the wrong tie. I prefer to think that he knew how ridiculous he looked but chose to move forward in order to mock the frivolity of the entire situation. Let’s go with that. I’ll be able to sleep comfortably now.

McCheesy sports his Sonny Crocket yellow t-shirt and white sport coat. Did that look just make it up to Canada? I have a hard time believing that Miami Vice just made it that far North. Harrison stirs the pot and Elizabeth takes the bait in an attempt to justify the shower banging she did on camera. She makes the cardinal mistake of comparing her “relationship” with Kovacs to Kiptyn and Tenley’s relationship. By the way, what was Kovacs wearing? A purple oxford, jeans, and a vest? He looked like he should be valet parking cars at the mansion instead of waiting for a rose ceremony. Odd.

Tenley, put off by the obvious attack on her purity, drops a classic line on Elizabeth. “Maybe there’s a physical difference” in the relationship, she points out. For those of you who don’t remember, Tenley is the one who was a virgin before she got married and then her husband cheated on her despite her penchant for performing innocent but adequately sexy interpretive dances for him, forcing her to get a divorce and tour the country as Belle, Cinderella, and Ariel. Sorry for the explanation, I wasn’t sure if that information had been made public yet. Elizabeth digests Tenley’s comment and realizes that’s how a nice person calls out a whore. Realizing she’s hurt someone’s feelings despite the fact that she told the truth, Tenley cries and as her tears hit the ground they morph into wonderful little lightening bugs and whiz around the room like fireworks exploding in the night sky before making the trip to Heaven.

Some pre-rose ceremony chit chat takes place as Natalie, Elizabeth, and Ashley take another pregnancy test and attempt to understand the concept of a majority. Natalie sports a tutu she borrowed from Tenley’s costume chest. Angry Dave calls out Jessie S. for being in cahoots with McCheesy. Jackass. She denies everything and the scrambling begins. It sucks to be called a liar Jessie S. but it’s fair to be called a liar when someone catches you in a lie.

Gwen shows off her nose job, Nikki talks a good game but cracks like aged porcelain when Kiptyn attempts to swing her vote. She looks like Sandra Bullock if Sandra Bullock was a size 18. Ironically, like Gia, she let her uterus override her brain and changes her vote, saving Kiptyn and ousting a dumbfounded McCheesy. Thankfully, Jessie S.’s 15 minute clock hit 14:59 as she was ousted along with McCheesy. I found it ironic that both Gia and Nikki, who had a brilliant and effective strategy going into the dates, made a mistake classically attributed to men: thinking below the waist. We’ll see how that pans out in the weeks to come.

Tenley, Jesse B., Peyton, Nikki, Ashley, Angry Dave (jackass), Elizabeth, Natalie, Kovacs, Krisily, and Kiptyn survive along with Gia, Gwen, Weatherman, and Wes as we move toward Episode 3. Pregnancies averted, sheets washed, and wet bar refilled we head in to next week. The previews looked interesting. Until next time, take care of yourselves. If you need me, I’ll be thinking below the waist. DP