Friday, August 6, 2010

Ali Bachelorette Episode 12: After the Final Ho's

Well, here we are at the end of our “journey” and here I sit, fighting the urge to phone this one in. All in all, I found this episode uninteresting, uninspiring, and downright unnecessary. I’m a bit cranky today, though. I had a bunching problem with some new underwear yesterday and that lead to some chaffing issues. For you, the readers, I’m willing to push forward in spite of my need for baby powder and an effective ointment. I’m sure some nude sunbathing will sort it all out.

I want to apologize to all of you who arrived at your offices with smiles on your faces yesterday in anticipation of blowing off whatever email, report, or “follow up item” you owed your damn boss in order to read the blog. I’ve had a busy week professionally and personally and it caught up with me. I promise not to promise what I cannot promise to deliver in the future. If I say it will be posted by X it will be posted by X, plus or minus a few minutes. Thanks for being patient. I hate it when life gets in the way of the fun stuff. In the meantime, let’s get to it.

We begin as we always do with the After the Rose Special. The formula is proven and even Harrison is not inclined to mess with it. Amid the soft red and blue lighting, flowers, and dim candlelight Harrison greets us in his gray suit and white oxford. Love discovered, journey ended, and fat check collected, he looks relieved to be back in the Bach Cave. This show is all fluff—just another big payday before he tells his agent to turn the screws on the network next season. Sure, he agreed to host the Bachelor Pad, but he’s not just doing that for money---he’s doing that for a sh*tload of money. Someone has to keep L.A. strip clubs in business and, let’s face it, that’s not a cheap proposition.

Harrison recaps and resets the season, gives us our requisite teasers, and eventually invites “America’s Sweetheart,” Ali, out for a chat. America’s Sweetheart? I thought that was Ryan Seacrest. Ali appears looking noticeably thinner with a big fat smile on her giggly face. After viewing the season on television in the private confines of whoever’s apartment couch she was crashing on for the last four months (remember, she’s homeless and jobless and she “gave up everything” in search of love), Ali decided that she liked the way she chose to display her knockers in the last three episodes. She also noticed that she’d put on some tonnage just south of the waistline. To satisfy both situations, she appears in a strappy little number with the twins popping out like dough from a half opened can of biscuits with a dress that fits loosely around her waist and her badonkadonk. Six inch heels complete the ensemble. Her hair still looked like Templeton the rat’s nest from Charlotte’s Web.

Full of herself, Ali is “SO” everything. Frankly, even Harrison looked annoyed. She’s been waiting for this moment for “like ever.” Well, four months, but I’m sure when you’re living on a friend’s couch with no responsibilities whatsoever, four months can seem “like ever.” She and Roberto have been checking their handy calendar in anticipation of being a public couple. In the best Harrison moment since, “yea, we don’t care about the dog,” Harrison drops a “don’t out him like that,” about Roberto as Ali shares the calendar story. Ali giggles at the prospect of Roberto being anything but an hombre fuerte y macho and Harrison moves to the ring shot. Ali proudly displays what Neil Lane gave her along with her French manicure.


While rolling my eyes and hitting FFW on my DVR, I was happy to see a commercial for the Bachelor Pad. I watched. This show looks disgusting. Tenley’s crying, Gia’s crying, Angry Dave and Wes are “or what-ing” each other, that manipulative chick from Jake’s season is now blond and seems to be up to her old tricks, and everyone appears to be sleeping with everyone else. Well, except the Weatherman, of course, but you get the picture. It’s like Big Brother with no money and a meth jones. We’ll see what happens next week. Incidentally, I’ve regularly seen Wes Hayden and have talked to the guys in his band here in Austin for the past month now. I assume that means he got kicked off early, but he’s not talking. Based on what I know, it doesn’t appear that he won a dime. Cross him off your office pool.

We return to AFTR and Harrison tries to pretend that everyone still cares about Frank and that chick with the ski slope nose. Regardless, Ali is forced to watch it again as she squirms uncomfortably in her seat constantly adjusting her straps. I thanked God that she was forced to watch herself and her bad extensions mope around the beach just like I had to weeks before. After five months and a whole lot of Roberto lovin’ she could not have cared less. Still, she fulfills the gravy contract and pretends.

Frank took “the easy way out.” She might have given him a rose. After Harrison confirms that Frank backed out of his appearance at the last minute, Ali seems surprised. Whatever. She knew. This would have been “his chance to face just me,” she says. Huh? Yea Ali, you and 13 million viewers; and more importantly, the producers, Harrison, and ABC. I’m sure this is how it went down in Nicole’s dorm room the day before Frank was set to take his Mad Men suit and leave the Windy City.

Ring Ring…


Yea, Nicole? This is Justin “Rated R” Rego. I have Roz Papa on the line too. Can we speak with Frank?

Well, he’s pulling an all nighter at Abercrombie & Fitch. It’s inventory night and they just got a new load of oversized, poor quality, torn up jeans and they need to overprice them. He’s having trouble reading the tags since Ali’s mother stole his glasses in Tahiti.

Ok, well, can you tell him not to go on the show because ABC is going to crucify him.

Ok, sure. Thanks for calling. Sorry about your reputations.

Trust me, Frank watched the Justin episode and the Men Tell All Episode. He saw them pile on Justin and he got smart. Frank made the right decision. That could have only ended badly for him. What is there to “clear the air” about anyway? He went on the show, was still in love with someone else, stuck around for an extra episode so it could be worked into the “script,” did what he had to do, and left. End of story. I wonder what part of “I’m in love with someone else, Ali” is so unclear. Also, if she really wants to give Frank an opportunity to “face her” she should Google Alexander Graham Bell. He invented a device called the telephone somewhere around 1876. I’m sure Frank’s number is lying around on a scotch soaked cocktail napkin somewhere in the Hospitality Suite. I found myself wishing that I could travel the world for free for three months and only worry about people being after my cooch for “the right reasons.” Let’s face it. It’s good work if you can get it. I wish someone wanted my cooch.

Commercial. More Bachelor Pad. More “If you want to be on the Bachelor.” Grab a beer. Sigh. Lament my self-imposed situation. Hit FFW.

Next up is Chris L. His “quiet charm and strength” is waiting backstage as we all wonder if he’ll be the next Bachelor. With Zeus-like beneficence, Harrison demonstrates that his is indeed the ruler of the Bach Cave by setting it up and commanding, “Chris, come out here and join me.” Chris L. emerges looking tan, fit, and a bit thinner than before. Despite his poorly fitting jeans and the sport coat he borrowed from dad, the stage make up evened out his rosy cheeks and freckled nose and he looked ready to bag every hot chick in Rhode Island. Unfortunately, there aren’t any. Harrison lets Chris L. score some sensitive points and in a very Clinton-esque moment refers to Ali as “that girl.” Chris L. proves himself to be the classy guy we know he is.

I’m going to gloss over most of this part because it was predictable and boring. Some of my favorites were peppered throughout like rainbow sprinkles on a pile of dog s*it. Ali emerges after Chris is forced to relive his Tahitian heartache. She “like like’s” him. “So, So’s” him and “great man’s” him without giving him any closure. Harrison makes sure that the big “I banged you in the Fantasy Suite” gorilla in the corner has plenty of bananas. They don’t want that thing getting upset. After all, Ali’s engaged now and the Fantasy Suite is “like” yesterday’s news. In perhaps the most ironic moment of the interview, Chris. L. tells Harrison that, “you can’t force love.” Really? Because that’s exactly what ABC has been trying to do for the past 10 seasons of the show now and we’ve all been eating it up like a fat kid with a box of cookies. Hell, I started a freaking blog about it.

Chris L. admits that it was “strange” to see Ali after all of this time. How could that have been any more strange than seeing her and sleeping with her after los manos de Roberto had been all over her in the Fantasy Suite the night before? She still had his hand marks on her for God’s sake. Ali does a REALLY poor job of explaining what she learned from her relationship with Chris. Valid and reasonable question, by the way. We see the marked difference between a 25 year old, unemployed, homeless reality star and a 33 year old who’s learned some serious life lessons. Ali pouts and Chris L. thanks her for pouting and Franking him before their date. “Frankly,” I got tired of hearing him kiss her ass. She dumped you on national TV, dude. It’s alright to be a tad unhappy. We’ll see if he’s the next Bachelor. I’d love to hear your thoughts on that.

Chris L. leaves to manicure the studio grounds and Ali buddies up with Harrison again. She’s “SO” happy even though her “journey” was “SO” hard. For once I agreed. I was certain that both Chris L. and Roberto were hard on her in the Fantasy Suite. Poor Ali.

What transpired next confused me. Basically, Ali admits to Harrison that she knew it was Roberto from the second he stepped out of the limo. All she had to do was read my blog to figure that out. It was beyond obvious. With that in mind, Ali tells us that she exercised her own due diligence in order to be sure. Well, she didn’t say it that way, but I’m certain that’s what she meant. In other words, “I was relieved to know who I was going to pick on the first night but I figured I’d gravy train the free trip, hair extensions, free booze, and skirt chasing for the next 10 weeks before telling everyone I’d decided the second I saw Roberto’s dimples. Frank who?” Exactly. I can’t say I blame her. Like I said, it’s a good gig if you can get it.

She discussed sending Chris L. home prematurely and Harrison wonders aloud if she was nervous that Roberto wouldn’t feel the same way. Allow me to paraphrase her explanation.

“Well, Chris, like I totally told Roberto the first night you know when he like played catch with me and I was SOOO giggly and my extensions were all over the place and like the dress I had on was two sizes smaller than the one I wore with the mosquito net over it during the rose ceremony when Roberto sweated all over me before giving me the free ring that Neil Lane provided to ABC at wholesale cost so they could lock up the exploitation rights to Roberto and I’s wedding. Like. And like he knew the whole time that I was like SOOO happy that I met someone like him and when he showed me his baseball uniform and gave me his jersey I was like I’m SOOO ready for Frank to dump me and leave Chris L. alone in a bungalow in Tahiti it was SOOO impor-ant for me to complete my journey with him. Besides, I totally rocked it on the Fantasy Suite date…twice…and then I totally like promised him that even though I was contractually obligated to go on the Fantasy Suite date with Chris L. the next day that I SOOO didn’t want to and that even though I’d totally like sleep with him and stuff that I would just like lay there instead of totally rocking it. . .twice. . .in Roberto’s suite, so I wasn’t worried, Chris.”

Done deal. Roberto wins. He shows up in a suit that fits him this time and he and Ali nauseatingly giggle and kiss as they discuss getting an apartment in San Diego together. So much for her “career” in San Francisco and so much for his insurance business in Charleston. My favorite part was when Ali pretended like she has “impor-ant” things to do in San Diego. “He’s going to set up his office there and---subtle but telling pause—I’m going to find something to do.” Classic. That one doesn’t even need a punch line.

Roberto tells us that he wants a “normal” life with Ali. Look. I admire his optimism and all, but no he doesn’t. Stick to traveling the world, getting free s*it, doing interviews, and riding in limos and helicopters. The last thing he needs is an extension-less, make-up less, mini-van driving, puffy-eyed, robe-sporting, curler-wearing, child-yelling, post menopausal Ali nagging him in the kitchen about taking the trash to the curb on “Garbage Day” before he fights the San Diego traffic on the way to his marginally productive insurance agency before slogging through traffic after a full day of hearing people bitch about not getting claims checks only to return home to a semi-cold Lean Cuisine and a glass of Kool-Aid before taking the kids out of the house for ice cream so she can “have a break” for an hour or so before he comes home, showers, gets in bed, and she turns him down for sex. Stay Gold, Roberto. Stay Gold.

Well, there it is. With the final Amazing count at 192 (That’s 16 times per episode, 8 times per hour) we end another exciting season. My bet is that the relationship falls apart quietly within a year. Moving cross country, starting a business, handling fame, and being so young are all factors working against them. For what it’s worth, I actually like Roberto and can even see some redeeming qualities in Ali. I do wish them well. Thank you all again for reading and commenting this season. Look for my usual Tuesday post. I’ll be blogging about the Bachelor Pad. I also plan to throw in a few extras based upon reader participation this season. Stay tuned. Until next week, if you need me, I’ll be sweating in my bungalow. DP


  1. Genious. Flipping genious. I absolutely love the blatant mockery of everything Ali. That girl has got to grow up and get a clue. Thank you Some Guy. Thank you.

  2. Actually, DP, all the episodes of Bachelor Pad, save for the finale with the final four that they are filming next month, were done filming quite a while ago. It only took like two and a half weeks to film everything. So seeing Wes means nothing about when he got kicked off.

    Poor Chris. If I had fallen in love with somebody, and they rejected me for someone else, I would want a hell of a lot more closure than that. Has Ali lost all ability to speak clearly? And does she OWN a mirror? Either she's the dumbest woman alive for thinking her hair looks good, or she's just blind.

    Roberto is freaking NAUSEATING. How anyone could be attracted to that much cockiness, and someone who has a family who's that cocky about him is beyond me. He's not that special.

  3. Brilliant. I would like to see Chris L as the Bachelor, BUT with all the women age 29 or older. I want to see some real desperation and biological timeclocks ticking coupled with the kind of manipulation and deception that only comes with age and experience. A bunch of early twenties girls who want to become actresses is not that interesting.

  4. it will definitely be interesting to see how long they, like, last.

    i am rooting for chris to NOT be the bachelor. i think kirk could be more suited for it (and he was totally robbed by frank!)

    i kinda liked jake on jillian's season and knew he was "too nice" to be the bachelor.
    you see how that screwed him up.
    don't want that to happen to chris--- very grounded and heartbroken.

    he will have no problem finding himself a ladyfriend, like, soon.

    and here's a novel concept: have an actual new guy instead of some more leftovers!

    i, too, like, like roberto. i wish them well.
    but really? how hard is it to fall in love in all these expense-paid boozy gorgeous world cities??

    if they REALLY cared about their success rate, ABC would re-vamp to make something a little more realistic... let them plan & work on a charity event together, make them budget for it, and all those other things that couples in relationships really have to do- compromise, discuss, argue, and figure out.

    they should totally ask the bach- ok... gimme the 5 you think are less schmucky. then we're going to put you guys in a more true-to-life situation. see if you like them NOW.

    and i still think ABC would get plenty of drama in that situation. but they don't care much about success rates. just flesh-rates.

    love your recap. even when you're not that into it, you're, like, totally into it.
    you're amazing! thanks for sharing this journey!

  5. Love it!!! Totally worth waiting a week for that's awesome. Can't wait to hear your take on Bachelor Pad. :-)

    Mallory - I am a huge fan of Chris, but I recognize the awesomeness that is Roberto. He is NOT nauseating or cocky! I thought he seemed like a great guy that is beautiful, kind and humble. We must be watching two different shows! :-)

  6. Bravo! I enjoyed your blog all season.. looking forward to the Bachelor Pad. It's too bad your not on the ABC payroll as your blog is the only reason I suffer thru some of these episodes!

  7. Wow, I now see who has time on a Friday. Thanks for reading and commenting so quickly. Sounds like we may have an idea for another reality show here. DP

  8. "She still had his hand marks on her..." LOL. Great as always. I have mixed emotions about seeing Chris as the next Bachelor. On one hand it's been nice to have a "normal" guy on the show but on the other hand, I don't know if the fame will look good on him. And speaking of "normal", your rant about how Roberto's life could look was classic. Nice that you can get your frustrations out AND make me laugh.

  9. Hi DP. I just recently discovered your blog, stayed up late into the night reading through some of your old entries and had a glorious time doing it. You are absolutely hilarious. I loved the imagined phone conversation between Nicole, Justin, and Roslyn in this entry. I'm glad you've decided to cover the Bachelor Pad. I've been following the Bachelor since Deanna's season and I've hoped they would do something like it. Although I agree with you, the previews look trashy. I liked one of the previous commenter's ideas about having the contestants budget for a charity event. I would watch something like that over the unwanted love-child of Big Brother and Survivor that the Bachelor Pad seems to be. Oh well, I'll be watching anyway and reading your recaps.

  10. OMG!!! You are so dang funny! I LOVE your sarcastic humor and that you "get" Ali ( and are not sucked in by her like ABC was!). I look forward to your take on an even bigger train wreck, the Bachelor Pad!

  11. Dear Some Guy,
    Stumbled upon your blog after the Jake and Vienna breakup train wreck. Yours is hands-down the funniest blog on the internet! Needless to say, I have sent the link to some of my friends and my two daughters who quickly became loyal readers. I have stayed up past 2am a couple of nights reading previous posts of Jake's season and laughed out loud so often that I thought I would awaken everyone in the house. My brother and my sister-in-law were visiting during Ali's Final Rose episode (we have no DVR). They are intellectual types and I was quite embarrassed when they insisted that my daughter and I watch the show and they would watch with us. I turned them onto your blog and they thought it was hysterical. So, I'm fairly confident you have two new fans.

    Hope your chaffing issues get resolved soon, but quite frankly, this may be some of your best work!

    My husband will be very upset that he gets NO break from this nonsense, since the Bachelor Pad begins on Monday. Our little secret, okay? ;)

    Thanks again for the wonderful wrap-ups. You rock! You make this journey AWESOME!!! My husband screams at the TV, "It's not a bleeping Journey, it is a reality TV show!"

    Loved the diaper cake entry and the other stuff women like entries. Classic!

  12. Ok a few things...First, hahahaha to your Rhode Island comment pertaining to Chris L, but why RI when Cape Cod is in Mass? Be nice to us RI girls, ok ;o) Secondly, I LOVED your conversation between Roz, Justin, and Frank - absolutely hysterical. Third, I just want to let you know that my fiance hates the show and watches it with much reluctance and only with bribes of me rubbing his back. However, after reading some of your blog aloud to him, he even admitted to being psyched to watch The Bachelor Pad just to get your take on it. Thank you, I may be able to rest my hands while we watch it now ;o)

  13. "The last thing he needs is an extension-less, make-up less, mini-van driving, puffy-eyed, robe-sporting, curler-wearing, child-yelling, post menopausal Ali nagging him in the kitchen about taking the trash to the curb on “Garbage Day” before he fights the San Diego traffic on the way to his marginally productive insurance agency before slogging through traffic after a full day of hearing people bitch about not getting claims checks only to return home to a semi-cold Lean Cuisine and a glass of Kool-Aid before taking the kids out of the house for ice cream so she can “have a break” for an hour or so before he comes home, showers, gets in bed, and she turns him down for sex. Stay Gold, Roberto. Stay Gold."

    This is classic!!!

  14. Well your blog post was much more interesting and entertaining than that after final ho show. I wanted Chris L. to be a little less nice to Ali, I mean come on dude, she dumped you! Its ok to be a little bit pissed off.

  15. katjak, sorry about the RI smack. Chris' original profile said he was a "landscaper from rhode island." I just went with when I was writing. I didn't mean to insult you or your tiny state. Please apologize to the other three people who live there for me. Incidentally, you'll see me insult just about everywhere but Austin, Texas. It's all in jest. Thank you for "getting it" and thanks for reading. Bach Pad tonight. I can't wait. . .well, actually I can, but I'll write about it anyway. DP

  16. Best line ever: "Harrison makes sure that the big “I banged you in the Fantasy Suite” gorilla in the corner has plenty of bananas. They don’t want that thing getting upset."

    Love your blog, just discovered it this season. It's hilarious (even up here in Canada, eh!). I may have to watch the Bachelor Pad now too.

    Thanks for writing!

  17. Great recap. So much better than the ennui inducing show!

    Thoughts on Chris being the next bachelor. I'm ready for new blood. Get a new guy not a leftover. AND I'd really rather see Chris in 2 years on some E Special with his sweet NORMAL wift and infant...than see what started out as a normal nice guy turn into some total chach because he becomes "The Bachelor". Ugh!

    There aren't many nice, normal guys out there and watching the demise of one on national tv is not something I'd sign on for (though I would still read the recaps!).

  18. oh DP. I just finished watching Bachelor Pad and I need to know immediately what you're thinking. I'm not one for mustering up visual imagery, but I have never felt such a deep-seeded need to rip out my eyeballs and soak them in bleach. Maybe take a scalding hot shower to rid myself of the STI's that were inevitably broadcasted directly into my living room.

    If you can somehow find the hilarity in all of this, you are like the Rumpelstilskin of the blogging world. Turning smut into readable gold. I know you can do it, an just to add a bit of pressure, I will guarantee that the majority of us will only keep tuning in to the show only to appreciate Tuesday's blog.

  19. I love your blog, Steve, but I do have one issue to raise. I realize that your sarcastic humor makes the blog what it is, but your (admittedly hilarious) comments about Kirk's mold-induced disease bothered me. I am a breast cancer survivor, and I'm pretty sure you would never make fun of a person with that disease, because like most people you know something about cancer and have some idea how awful chemo, radiation, and surgery can be. Poor Kirk suffered from a real medical issue but got skewered because it sounds weird and most people aren't familiar with it. Food for thought, I hope.

    Chrissy from Michigan

  20. Oh Chrissy, first of all, his name is not Steve. Please tell me you did not mix Some Guy up with Reality Steve. :) While suffering from a disease is not something to openly mock, I took the mold stuff as funny/not personal mostly because Kirk brought it up all the time. Like Tenley from last season that brought up her divorce all.the.time. My parents are divorced and my brother is a cancer survivor. I guess I didn't/don't take offense to it because it is clear to me that this is all done for our entertainment, nothing personal. I appreciate your perspective and concede that this was directed to "Steve" and not me but here it is anyway.

  21. My bad, SGIA and fans!! Senior moment!!! Yes, I can see that by talking about the mold thing so much, Kirk sort of invited the ridicule. Still not sure saying "nothing personal" really makes it all OK, though ....
    C from MI

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