Bachelor Pad Episode 5: Trojans Anyone?

Hello. I hope that everyone had a wonderful and fulfilling Labor Day weekend. As usual, I over did it but have no regrets. I have to admit that the Monday holiday did throw off my usual blog writing routine and rhythm but I’m going to do my best to put out a quality work product. As for my latest reader requests, I’ve had interest in both Dallas and Tulsa meet and greets and one filthy invitation from some guy named “Madonna” who lives outside of Sacramento. I’m considering two of the three. Your suggestions are welcome. My “real” life work schedule dictates where I travel, so I’ll be sure and keep everyone up to speed.

Also, the big finale and cast tells all episodes for this stupid show are next week. After that, I assume that there’s a lag between seasons. I plan to post in the off season and might post twice a week if time allows. I will promise the normal Tuesday post, but I need suggestions from you as to what you’d like to see. Please give me a break from reality television. I might do another DP Tells All depending on interest and I have some other ideas brewing inside my head. Let me know what y’all think. In the meantime, let’s get to it.

We begin with the standard reminder that there are couples and singles in the house and that, to date, two have been more powerful than one. We get the Nostradamas-like “I told you so” from Wes as he leaves the show after predicting that everyone’s failure to break up the couple alliances would lead to his demise. We are reminded that there are four couples in the house and three single women remaining. We see that Angry Dave (jackass) and Kovacs’ relationship is the most productive of them all and are reminded how Angry Dave screwed over Krisily last week by assuring her safety before she was summarily booted to the curb. Jackass.

In the new regular post-rose ceremony round up Kovacs tells us that he’s not sorry to see Krisily go, Peyton feels badly for everyone, Tenley sparkles and shines and can’t get mad at anyone, and Gwen sits silently as she concentrates in an attempt to keep her carotid arteries from closing under the weight of her giant turquoise necklace. That might explain the dim personality. I’m just saying. Angry Dave uses the “we” made a decision justification for lying to Krisily and feels better about himself than he already does. Jackass. We move next to the standard A.M. kitchen scene. With Natalie and Elizabeth upstairs taking showers and their morning after pills, Gwen has a chance to talk to Peyton in the kitchen. We get a close up of the bedazzled rose t-shirt covering her giant, fake cans as she explains that this is the only rose she has. Sigh.

Harrison enters in his plaid, semi-western but non-pearl snap untucked shirt and khakis in order to set up the big news. Rycroft was unnoticeably absent. Presumably, she was out getting Harrison’s dry cleaning and picking up his tailored rose ceremony suit while simultaneously handling the “there’s a left over hooker in Harrison’s suite” problem.

Harrison reiterates the rules . . . again . . . and drops the hammer. Eleven remain, but three chicks are leaving immediately. We’ll convene on the driveway after Harrison showers up, dons turquoise, and is damn good and ready to begin. Harrison tells all the women to pack their sh*t and then hits the road for some eggs Benedict, a mimosa, and a nap. The stress begins.

At this point in the show, I became visibly annoyed. Granted, I was watching it by myself, but I still did some huffing and puffing and put my Lone Star bottle down on the coffee table with enough force to make it bubble over. After licking the beer from the table, I began to ponder aloud. “Why don’t they just call a spade a spade?” I thought. “Just kick off the girls who don’t put out.” Nikki, Gwen, and Ashley might as well have been cows in a slaughterhouse. We all knew it was inevitable, but we were forced to watch the next 15 minutes in order to confirm it.

Knowing that none of the remaining guys like bitter, unfun Sandra Bullock in a trick mirror look alikes, Nikki—oblivious of cardiac anatomy--tells us “the back of my heart is pounding so bad right now that I can feel it in my bones.” Whatever that means. Ashley does math—or something like it—and opines that she might be gone. To be fair, fractions are hard. Of course, Natalie tells us that it’s “survival of the fittest” and I began to wonder where the Midwestern Whore fits into Darwin’s theory of natural selection.

Actually, it does make sense. Darwin theorized that individuals less suited to the environment are less likely to survive and less likely to reproduce while individuals more suited to the environment are more likely to survive and more likely to reproduce and leave their inheritable traits to future generations, i.e., natural selection. That process results in populations changing to adapt to their environments, and ultimately, these variations accumulate over time to form new species. Ergo, the Midwestern variation of the North American Whore. This sub-species of whore can easily be distinguished from the West Coast sub-species of the North American Whore in that it has less skin damage and healthier looking hair although it is more averse to heat. (Compare Elizabeth). Both are easier to bang than a cheap set of pots and pans; however the Midwestern Whore prefers frequent, multiple partners whereas the West Coast Whore prefers to obsess over a single partner until she sucks all of the life out of it and kills it. Back to the show.

Harrison arrives all Moneyed up in his turquoise shirt with Rycroft in some denim short short get up. Did she mention that, unlike the three desperate women who failed to hook up in a house full of horny, drunk dudes, she has in fact found love and marriage and is expecting her first child? The men will be randomly selected via some sort of spin the bottle mechanism and they will choose their partner. If you’re not selected, Harrison is sorry to tell you, but you need to piss off immediately.

Kiptyn spins first and selects Tenley after pretending Nikki was an option. Tenley is fu*king happy and Nikki feels betrayed but packs her multiple sets of giant earrings and hits the road. Kovacs—in a prime position to dodge the bullet train of crazy headed straight for his life—picks Elizabeth despite referring to her in his testimonial as “unstable” with a “screw loose. He decides to go with his “gut feeling” and picks Elizabeth anyway. Actually, I’m certain he was thinking a bit below the gut when he selected her. Frankly, I was surprised that he didn’t kiss Angry Dave. Jackass. Elizabeth acts overjoyed and is happy they can show affection at the house. Clearly, she’s in denial that Kovacs and Angry Dave (jackass) haven’t been swapping “you’ll never believe what I did with Elizabeth in bed” stories over whatever stupid drink they like for the past six months.

Next, Jesse B.—the only real wild card of the bunch—plays it safe and picks Peyton. Frankly, she was his best pick. He actually acts older than he is and has some nice words for the ladies. Ultimately, he made the right choice. Peyton is “like totally” happy to be picked even though she’ll soon endure some more of Jesse’s lack of sophistication. Angry Dave is last, proving that even inanimate objects like spinning bottles think he’s a jackass. He drops one of the best lines of the season by telling the remaining 4 ladies that “you guys are awesome, classy, but I gotta go with Natalie.” I smiled, sipped my beer and laughed out loud. Translation: You’re all average looking and you don’t put out. I’ve got to go with the drunk, slutty chick. Jackass.

Nikki, Gwen, and Ashley feel sad, rejected, and realize that they won’t have a cool 250K to talk to on lonely nights. We all realize that Wes Hayden was a prophet this season and we pictured him talking to a burning bush. Speaking of a burning bush, Elizabeth unnecessarily kicked Gwen on the way out by saying that she “feels sorry for her.” Sure, it stings to be rejected, but Gwen and the other girls will eventually realize that it’s a lot more difficult to earn respect than it is money. They’ll all be better off. I’m sure that the remaining contestants were all happy at the vast amount of room left in the mansion after the girls left along with three suitcases full of dignity. On her way out, Ashley expresses disappointment but loses with class saying that “every girl wants to be swept off her feet.” No, Ashley, unfortunately for you, girls like Elizabeth and Natalie just want to be thrown on their backs.

Back at the mansion, Tenley, Natalie, and Peyton wish for an athletic competition while Elizabeth hopes that all of the knowledge she’s gained by stalking Kovacs will come in handy. She and Kovacs “practice” for the big competition and we realize that she has no short term memory. What a mess. Kovacs continues to bad mouth her to the camera which—as we will soon see—will become important later. Natalie drinks the Crystal Light powder she mixed into a bottle of water and refers to Angry Dave as a “real man.” Jackass. Actually, come to think of it, that might have been liquid antibiotic. Regardless, she’s delusional.

Tenley and Kiptyn exchange information by sucking it out of each other’s brains and she refers to them as “Kip-Ten.” I found that “Stu-Pid.” In the meantime, Peyton enjoys watching Jesse pick at ingrown leg hairs with drywall screws and eat bananas. I half expected him to bear his teeth and throw feces at her. Look, the guy is from Peculiar, Missouri and he’s 25 years old. He proved himself to be a stand up guy in both Ali’s season and on this show. Sure he’s not an Astor or a Rockefeller, but polished and proper is boring and fake. Jesse’s a real guy and I like that about him.

The remaining 8 arrive for the water balloon tossing contest as Harrison and the yellow watch he loaned to Jake last season explains the rules. Rycroft takes over and explains that broken water balloons are like a woman’s breast: One is not enough and Three is too many. White shorts and tanks rule the day for the women as the men don baggy work out shorts and various versions of the cut off muscle shirt. Kiptyn keeps it classy with plaid shorts. Elizabeth says that the contest is “nuts,” which is ironic because . . . oh, you all know why it’s ironic. I also found it ironic that the Elizabeth was so stressed about breaking water balloons. After all, she successfully tosses a pair of water balloons in her bra every morning and those haven’t broken yet.

Annnnyyyyhoooo . . .

Eventually, Peyton F’s it up for Jesse and he’s gracious enough to take the blame and comfort her. Kiptyn F’s it up for Tenley and she sings “A Whole New World” while dancing playfully around him in an attempt to cheer him up. In two more classic moments, Elizabeth espouses her confidence in Kovacs saying, “Kovacs won’t drop anything I throw at him.” That proves to be true later in the evening. When Elizabeth lets a water balloon slip between her legs, I nodded my head in disbelief. Normally, when something encased in rubber is hurled toward Elizabeth’s waist, it makes a safe landing . . . over and over and over again. The bottom line is that Angry Dave (jackass) and Natalie won the toss and the date. I’m certain that a balloon is not the first thing Natalie caught in that mansion. Angry Dave characterizes their victory as “epic.” Jackass. No, Dave, the Iliad was epic. You’re tramp of a girlfriend simply caught a balloon. Jackass.

Peyton melts down over the loss realizing it probably means curtains and Jesse does a classy, considerate, and compassionate job of comforting her proving that sometimes having a friend—regardless if that friend picks his ingrown hairs with drywall screws—is better than having some horny a-hole chomping at the bit to get you in bed. Nice job, Jesse. Contest determined, strategy begins and things start to heat up.

The date card comes inviting them to “Spend the Night Under the Stars” and Angry Dave and his sideways ball cap go to the community bathroom to iron his sideways shirt. Jackass. Tenley thinks they are going on a rocket ship. Good lord. Natalie dresses like Minnie Mouse sans the ears and they prepare for their date. In the meantime, Kovacs and Elizabeth sneak off only to find the Lamborghini meant for the date parked in the driveway. They proceed to wax it with Elizabeth’s whatnot as she rolls around on the hood like Tawny Kitaen in a Whitesnake video. He can’t help it if she’s got “a bad case of Kovacs” and the booze begins to take over. “Why does she do that to herself?” I asked. “Why?”

Memo to Elizabeth: You can’t put a giant sign on the storefront that says “Fire Sale,” open the doors, and not expect someone to show up looking to take free merchandise and, once he does, to return every day until you’re out. There are a lot of nice guys out there but there are a lot more that aren’t so nice. Keep your legs closed and maybe he’ll respect you enough to knock on the door with some flowers one day. God bless her parents if they watch the show. Hell, God bless them even if they don’t. Oh, and either dye your roots or go back to your natural color.

With the car freshly “Armor Alled” Angry Dave and Natalie head out for a drive. Big surprise, Dave likes sports cars. Jackass. Incidentally, does anyone know what the difference is between a Lamborghini and a porcupine? With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside. I love that joke.

In a pathetic display of macho phallic symbolism, Angry Dave and Natalie drive the stick shift through dark deep tunnels. Subtle. They arrive at some predetermined location to enjoy the smog over the cesspool that is Downtown L.A. and we get a better look at Natalie’s Minnie Mouse outfit as she poses provocatively for a testosterone soaked Angry Dave (jackass) and his camera. If she bent over any more I could have seen what she had for lunch. Did anyone else notice her man hands?

They make out and eventually arrive at “the mansion where Molly and Jason fell in love.” Frankly, I was surprised. I was not surprised that the show reused a prior location; I was surprised that Melissa Rycroft hadn’t previously burned it to the ground. They eat and pretend they have the money in the bag. Natalie, attempting to rebuild her shattered reputation, says that she would send her parents on a trip around the world if she won. That’s probably good considering the fact that they should be out of the country when the show airs. Second, she ignores the fact that student loans are perhaps the lowest interest line of credit that anyone can obtain, and rather than investing the remaining money or paying down higher interest debt, she’ll pay off her student loans. She obviously didn’t major in Finance.

Angry Dave just wants to start his own business in Tampa. Jackass. To be fair, I doubt the Tampa market is saturated with A*shole Charm Schools, so he might be on to something. After a few drinks Dave explains why he’s a jackass and tears up as he tells his version of the Daddy didn’t love me story and confesses to having an anger management problem to an oblivious Natalie. Look, I actually felt sorry for the guy. Divorce at 9 years old with a domineering and then suddenly absent father was probably traumatic. BUT, 28 years old is old enough to figure some of that out and start acting like an adult instead of an angry teenager (Insert one time only Jackass pass here). They “amazing” each other, Dave “Natalie and I’s” us, and they make out in the hot tub. Jackass.

Back at the mansion, Kovacs dons his best “I play shuffleboard in Miami Beach” outfit and sits around the couch until Jesse calls everyone out for their seemingly predetermined vote. Hell, even Tenley looked uncomfortable.

Kiptyn and Tenley smooch in the hot tub as she laments the possibility of leaving the show and returning to her castle on the outskirts of the forest on horseback amid showers of silky flower petals and trumpets heralding her return. Kiptyn tells us that he loves Tenley because she’s positive and fun. Right, and the Mojave Desert is warm and sandy. Natalie tries to sell Angry Dave (jackass) on booting Kovacs and Elizabeth for strategic reasons and he eventually spews a bunch of macho athletic talk before revealing a homoerotic pact with Kovacs. Jackass.

Kovacs and Elizabeth desire some “alone time” together and “sneak” off to the Fantasy Suite. Apparently, they “snuck” in the entire camera crew and alerted whomever lit the candles in there prior to their arrival. Elizabeth is “ready for romance.” Actually, she appeared to be in heat, but who’s counting? Kovacs seals the deal and Elizabeth launches into a tirade of self-loathing and insecurity wondering why she gets “no effort” from Kovacs. Hey Elizabeth, Empty mansion rooms are not like 11th Century Muslims and heretics. They don’t all need to be Christened. The only Crusade Kovacs was on was to get in her pants. She actually ended with “I love you.” We assume Kovacs responded with a forced “you’re special too” before rolling over, farting, and going to sleep to dream about making out with Angry Dave (gay jackass). Again, I took a sip of my beer, nodded my head, and wondered why. Something tells me she did too.

Intermission

Alright, I rarely include disclaimers of any type on my blog. In my opinion, if I have to disclaim something, that means I shouldn’t be writing it. However, there are exceptions to the rule and this is one of them. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been getting emails and comments on the site about how many of you cannot stand Tenley and think that I’m way too easy on her baby talk, cheery disposition, and incessant giggling. I suppose that’s the cynical portion of the audience, but hey, I’ve never said she didn’t annoy me. With that said, I did promise—in writing no less—to dedicate a portion of this week’s blog to insulting Tenley.

Here’s the disclaimer: Tenley seems like a genuinely nice person and, as such, probably doesn’t deserve what I’m about to do. On the other hand, my readers are genuinely nice people and deserve to be entertained. Here are my top Onely through Tenley insults.

Oneley: She’s so happy that when she farts Febreeze comes out

Twoley: She can giggle in five languages

Threeley: She’s so happy that her vagina whistles happy tunes during her well woman exam

Fourley: She so happy that shooting stars wish upon her

Fiveley: She’s so bubbly that if she farted in the bathtub the water would turn into champagne.

Sixley: She’s so energetic that Richard Simmons has a set of pajamas with her picture on it

Sevenley: She’s so positive Natalie thought she was her pregnancy test

Eightley: She’s so happy she makes Tinkerbell look like a bitch

Nineley: She’s so innocent even the L.A.P.D. wouldn’t beat her

Tenley: Since sleeping with Tenley, when Kiptyn pees sparkles come out

Rose ceremony. With Angry Dave safe and dressed like Billy Joel (what was up with that outfit, Jackass?) and Natalie safe and dressed like Minnie Mouse, we head into the rose ceremony where one couple will be voted off. Individual votes rule the day and it appears after much banter that Natalie will vote against Angry Dave (jackass), electing to save Jesse and Peyton instead of Dave’s boyfriend and Lindsey Lohan. After some references to “woman code” and a stupid handshake between Tenley and Natalie, we are lead to believe that it’s in the bag.

Harrison does his duty with the ubiquitous champagne glass and fork and the votes are counted. Natalie figured out that she didn’t want to be the brunt of Dave’s anger (jackass) and Kiptyn figured out that he’s not good enough friends with Jesse to keep him around. I think both made a mistake. So there it is. With just one episode remaining, Jesse and Peyton go home with their dignity in tact and we are left with Angry Dave (jackass), Natalie, Kiptyn, Tenley, Kovacs, and Elizabeth fighting for the dough. Please submit your off season ideas, questions, and feedback and I’ll decide before next week’s post what I’ll be doing. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be rolling erotically on the hood of a sports car. DP