Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Bachelor Pad Episode 5: Trojans Anyone?

Hello. I hope that everyone had a wonderful and fulfilling Labor Day weekend. As usual, I over did it but have no regrets. I have to admit that the Monday holiday did throw off my usual blog writing routine and rhythm but I’m going to do my best to put out a quality work product. As for my latest reader requests, I’ve had interest in both Dallas and Tulsa meet and greets and one filthy invitation from some guy named “Madonna” who lives outside of Sacramento. I’m considering two of the three. Your suggestions are welcome. My “real” life work schedule dictates where I travel, so I’ll be sure and keep everyone up to speed.

Also, the big finale and cast tells all episodes for this stupid show are next week. After that, I assume that there’s a lag between seasons. I plan to post in the off season and might post twice a week if time allows. I will promise the normal Tuesday post, but I need suggestions from you as to what you’d like to see. Please give me a break from reality television. I might do another DP Tells All depending on interest and I have some other ideas brewing inside my head. Let me know what y’all think. In the meantime, let’s get to it.

We begin with the standard reminder that there are couples and singles in the house and that, to date, two have been more powerful than one. We get the Nostradamas-like “I told you so” from Wes as he leaves the show after predicting that everyone’s failure to break up the couple alliances would lead to his demise. We are reminded that there are four couples in the house and three single women remaining. We see that Angry Dave (jackass) and Kovacs’ relationship is the most productive of them all and are reminded how Angry Dave screwed over Krisily last week by assuring her safety before she was summarily booted to the curb. Jackass.

In the new regular post-rose ceremony round up Kovacs tells us that he’s not sorry to see Krisily go, Peyton feels badly for everyone, Tenley sparkles and shines and can’t get mad at anyone, and Gwen sits silently as she concentrates in an attempt to keep her carotid arteries from closing under the weight of her giant turquoise necklace. That might explain the dim personality. I’m just saying. Angry Dave uses the “we” made a decision justification for lying to Krisily and feels better about himself than he already does. Jackass. We move next to the standard A.M. kitchen scene. With Natalie and Elizabeth upstairs taking showers and their morning after pills, Gwen has a chance to talk to Peyton in the kitchen. We get a close up of the bedazzled rose t-shirt covering her giant, fake cans as she explains that this is the only rose she has. Sigh.

Harrison enters in his plaid, semi-western but non-pearl snap untucked shirt and khakis in order to set up the big news. Rycroft was unnoticeably absent. Presumably, she was out getting Harrison’s dry cleaning and picking up his tailored rose ceremony suit while simultaneously handling the “there’s a left over hooker in Harrison’s suite” problem.

Harrison reiterates the rules . . . again . . . and drops the hammer. Eleven remain, but three chicks are leaving immediately. We’ll convene on the driveway after Harrison showers up, dons turquoise, and is damn good and ready to begin. Harrison tells all the women to pack their sh*t and then hits the road for some eggs Benedict, a mimosa, and a nap. The stress begins.

At this point in the show, I became visibly annoyed. Granted, I was watching it by myself, but I still did some huffing and puffing and put my Lone Star bottle down on the coffee table with enough force to make it bubble over. After licking the beer from the table, I began to ponder aloud. “Why don’t they just call a spade a spade?” I thought. “Just kick off the girls who don’t put out.” Nikki, Gwen, and Ashley might as well have been cows in a slaughterhouse. We all knew it was inevitable, but we were forced to watch the next 15 minutes in order to confirm it.

Knowing that none of the remaining guys like bitter, unfun Sandra Bullock in a trick mirror look alikes, Nikki—oblivious of cardiac anatomy--tells us “the back of my heart is pounding so bad right now that I can feel it in my bones.” Whatever that means. Ashley does math—or something like it—and opines that she might be gone. To be fair, fractions are hard. Of course, Natalie tells us that it’s “survival of the fittest” and I began to wonder where the Midwestern Whore fits into Darwin’s theory of natural selection.

Actually, it does make sense. Darwin theorized that individuals less suited to the environment are less likely to survive and less likely to reproduce while individuals more suited to the environment are more likely to survive and more likely to reproduce and leave their inheritable traits to future generations, i.e., natural selection. That process results in populations changing to adapt to their environments, and ultimately, these variations accumulate over time to form new species. Ergo, the Midwestern variation of the North American Whore. This sub-species of whore can easily be distinguished from the West Coast sub-species of the North American Whore in that it has less skin damage and healthier looking hair although it is more averse to heat. (Compare Elizabeth). Both are easier to bang than a cheap set of pots and pans; however the Midwestern Whore prefers frequent, multiple partners whereas the West Coast Whore prefers to obsess over a single partner until she sucks all of the life out of it and kills it. Back to the show.

Harrison arrives all Moneyed up in his turquoise shirt with Rycroft in some denim short short get up. Did she mention that, unlike the three desperate women who failed to hook up in a house full of horny, drunk dudes, she has in fact found love and marriage and is expecting her first child? The men will be randomly selected via some sort of spin the bottle mechanism and they will choose their partner. If you’re not selected, Harrison is sorry to tell you, but you need to piss off immediately.

Kiptyn spins first and selects Tenley after pretending Nikki was an option. Tenley is fu*king happy and Nikki feels betrayed but packs her multiple sets of giant earrings and hits the road. Kovacs—in a prime position to dodge the bullet train of crazy headed straight for his life—picks Elizabeth despite referring to her in his testimonial as “unstable” with a “screw loose. He decides to go with his “gut feeling” and picks Elizabeth anyway. Actually, I’m certain he was thinking a bit below the gut when he selected her. Frankly, I was surprised that he didn’t kiss Angry Dave. Jackass. Elizabeth acts overjoyed and is happy they can show affection at the house. Clearly, she’s in denial that Kovacs and Angry Dave (jackass) haven’t been swapping “you’ll never believe what I did with Elizabeth in bed” stories over whatever stupid drink they like for the past six months.

Next, Jesse B.—the only real wild card of the bunch—plays it safe and picks Peyton. Frankly, she was his best pick. He actually acts older than he is and has some nice words for the ladies. Ultimately, he made the right choice. Peyton is “like totally” happy to be picked even though she’ll soon endure some more of Jesse’s lack of sophistication. Angry Dave is last, proving that even inanimate objects like spinning bottles think he’s a jackass. He drops one of the best lines of the season by telling the remaining 4 ladies that “you guys are awesome, classy, but I gotta go with Natalie.” I smiled, sipped my beer and laughed out loud. Translation: You’re all average looking and you don’t put out. I’ve got to go with the drunk, slutty chick. Jackass.

Nikki, Gwen, and Ashley feel sad, rejected, and realize that they won’t have a cool 250K to talk to on lonely nights. We all realize that Wes Hayden was a prophet this season and we pictured him talking to a burning bush. Speaking of a burning bush, Elizabeth unnecessarily kicked Gwen on the way out by saying that she “feels sorry for her.” Sure, it stings to be rejected, but Gwen and the other girls will eventually realize that it’s a lot more difficult to earn respect than it is money. They’ll all be better off. I’m sure that the remaining contestants were all happy at the vast amount of room left in the mansion after the girls left along with three suitcases full of dignity. On her way out, Ashley expresses disappointment but loses with class saying that “every girl wants to be swept off her feet.” No, Ashley, unfortunately for you, girls like Elizabeth and Natalie just want to be thrown on their backs.

Back at the mansion, Tenley, Natalie, and Peyton wish for an athletic competition while Elizabeth hopes that all of the knowledge she’s gained by stalking Kovacs will come in handy. She and Kovacs “practice” for the big competition and we realize that she has no short term memory. What a mess. Kovacs continues to bad mouth her to the camera which—as we will soon see—will become important later. Natalie drinks the Crystal Light powder she mixed into a bottle of water and refers to Angry Dave as a “real man.” Jackass. Actually, come to think of it, that might have been liquid antibiotic. Regardless, she’s delusional.

Tenley and Kiptyn exchange information by sucking it out of each other’s brains and she refers to them as “Kip-Ten.” I found that “Stu-Pid.” In the meantime, Peyton enjoys watching Jesse pick at ingrown leg hairs with drywall screws and eat bananas. I half expected him to bear his teeth and throw feces at her. Look, the guy is from Peculiar, Missouri and he’s 25 years old. He proved himself to be a stand up guy in both Ali’s season and on this show. Sure he’s not an Astor or a Rockefeller, but polished and proper is boring and fake. Jesse’s a real guy and I like that about him.

The remaining 8 arrive for the water balloon tossing contest as Harrison and the yellow watch he loaned to Jake last season explains the rules. Rycroft takes over and explains that broken water balloons are like a woman’s breast: One is not enough and Three is too many. White shorts and tanks rule the day for the women as the men don baggy work out shorts and various versions of the cut off muscle shirt. Kiptyn keeps it classy with plaid shorts. Elizabeth says that the contest is “nuts,” which is ironic because . . . oh, you all know why it’s ironic. I also found it ironic that the Elizabeth was so stressed about breaking water balloons. After all, she successfully tosses a pair of water balloons in her bra every morning and those haven’t broken yet.

Annnnyyyyhoooo . . .

Eventually, Peyton F’s it up for Jesse and he’s gracious enough to take the blame and comfort her. Kiptyn F’s it up for Tenley and she sings “A Whole New World” while dancing playfully around him in an attempt to cheer him up. In two more classic moments, Elizabeth espouses her confidence in Kovacs saying, “Kovacs won’t drop anything I throw at him.” That proves to be true later in the evening. When Elizabeth lets a water balloon slip between her legs, I nodded my head in disbelief. Normally, when something encased in rubber is hurled toward Elizabeth’s waist, it makes a safe landing . . . over and over and over again. The bottom line is that Angry Dave (jackass) and Natalie won the toss and the date. I’m certain that a balloon is not the first thing Natalie caught in that mansion. Angry Dave characterizes their victory as “epic.” Jackass. No, Dave, the Iliad was epic. You’re tramp of a girlfriend simply caught a balloon. Jackass.

Peyton melts down over the loss realizing it probably means curtains and Jesse does a classy, considerate, and compassionate job of comforting her proving that sometimes having a friend—regardless if that friend picks his ingrown hairs with drywall screws—is better than having some horny a-hole chomping at the bit to get you in bed. Nice job, Jesse. Contest determined, strategy begins and things start to heat up.

The date card comes inviting them to “Spend the Night Under the Stars” and Angry Dave and his sideways ball cap go to the community bathroom to iron his sideways shirt. Jackass. Tenley thinks they are going on a rocket ship. Good lord. Natalie dresses like Minnie Mouse sans the ears and they prepare for their date. In the meantime, Kovacs and Elizabeth sneak off only to find the Lamborghini meant for the date parked in the driveway. They proceed to wax it with Elizabeth’s whatnot as she rolls around on the hood like Tawny Kitaen in a Whitesnake video. He can’t help it if she’s got “a bad case of Kovacs” and the booze begins to take over. “Why does she do that to herself?” I asked. “Why?”

Memo to Elizabeth: You can’t put a giant sign on the storefront that says “Fire Sale,” open the doors, and not expect someone to show up looking to take free merchandise and, once he does, to return every day until you’re out. There are a lot of nice guys out there but there are a lot more that aren’t so nice. Keep your legs closed and maybe he’ll respect you enough to knock on the door with some flowers one day. God bless her parents if they watch the show. Hell, God bless them even if they don’t. Oh, and either dye your roots or go back to your natural color.

With the car freshly “Armor Alled” Angry Dave and Natalie head out for a drive. Big surprise, Dave likes sports cars. Jackass. Incidentally, does anyone know what the difference is between a Lamborghini and a porcupine? With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside. I love that joke.

In a pathetic display of macho phallic symbolism, Angry Dave and Natalie drive the stick shift through dark deep tunnels. Subtle. They arrive at some predetermined location to enjoy the smog over the cesspool that is Downtown L.A. and we get a better look at Natalie’s Minnie Mouse outfit as she poses provocatively for a testosterone soaked Angry Dave (jackass) and his camera. If she bent over any more I could have seen what she had for lunch. Did anyone else notice her man hands?

They make out and eventually arrive at “the mansion where Molly and Jason fell in love.” Frankly, I was surprised. I was not surprised that the show reused a prior location; I was surprised that Melissa Rycroft hadn’t previously burned it to the ground. They eat and pretend they have the money in the bag. Natalie, attempting to rebuild her shattered reputation, says that she would send her parents on a trip around the world if she won. That’s probably good considering the fact that they should be out of the country when the show airs. Second, she ignores the fact that student loans are perhaps the lowest interest line of credit that anyone can obtain, and rather than investing the remaining money or paying down higher interest debt, she’ll pay off her student loans. She obviously didn’t major in Finance.

Angry Dave just wants to start his own business in Tampa. Jackass. To be fair, I doubt the Tampa market is saturated with A*shole Charm Schools, so he might be on to something. After a few drinks Dave explains why he’s a jackass and tears up as he tells his version of the Daddy didn’t love me story and confesses to having an anger management problem to an oblivious Natalie. Look, I actually felt sorry for the guy. Divorce at 9 years old with a domineering and then suddenly absent father was probably traumatic. BUT, 28 years old is old enough to figure some of that out and start acting like an adult instead of an angry teenager (Insert one time only Jackass pass here). They “amazing” each other, Dave “Natalie and I’s” us, and they make out in the hot tub. Jackass.

Back at the mansion, Kovacs dons his best “I play shuffleboard in Miami Beach” outfit and sits around the couch until Jesse calls everyone out for their seemingly predetermined vote. Hell, even Tenley looked uncomfortable.

Kiptyn and Tenley smooch in the hot tub as she laments the possibility of leaving the show and returning to her castle on the outskirts of the forest on horseback amid showers of silky flower petals and trumpets heralding her return. Kiptyn tells us that he loves Tenley because she’s positive and fun. Right, and the Mojave Desert is warm and sandy. Natalie tries to sell Angry Dave (jackass) on booting Kovacs and Elizabeth for strategic reasons and he eventually spews a bunch of macho athletic talk before revealing a homoerotic pact with Kovacs. Jackass.

Kovacs and Elizabeth desire some “alone time” together and “sneak” off to the Fantasy Suite. Apparently, they “snuck” in the entire camera crew and alerted whomever lit the candles in there prior to their arrival. Elizabeth is “ready for romance.” Actually, she appeared to be in heat, but who’s counting? Kovacs seals the deal and Elizabeth launches into a tirade of self-loathing and insecurity wondering why she gets “no effort” from Kovacs. Hey Elizabeth, Empty mansion rooms are not like 11th Century Muslims and heretics. They don’t all need to be Christened. The only Crusade Kovacs was on was to get in her pants. She actually ended with “I love you.” We assume Kovacs responded with a forced “you’re special too” before rolling over, farting, and going to sleep to dream about making out with Angry Dave (gay jackass). Again, I took a sip of my beer, nodded my head, and wondered why. Something tells me she did too.

Intermission

Alright, I rarely include disclaimers of any type on my blog. In my opinion, if I have to disclaim something, that means I shouldn’t be writing it. However, there are exceptions to the rule and this is one of them. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been getting emails and comments on the site about how many of you cannot stand Tenley and think that I’m way too easy on her baby talk, cheery disposition, and incessant giggling. I suppose that’s the cynical portion of the audience, but hey, I’ve never said she didn’t annoy me. With that said, I did promise—in writing no less—to dedicate a portion of this week’s blog to insulting Tenley.

Here’s the disclaimer: Tenley seems like a genuinely nice person and, as such, probably doesn’t deserve what I’m about to do. On the other hand, my readers are genuinely nice people and deserve to be entertained. Here are my top Onely through Tenley insults.

Oneley: She’s so happy that when she farts Febreeze comes out

Twoley: She can giggle in five languages

Threeley: She’s so happy that her vagina whistles happy tunes during her well woman exam

Fourley: She so happy that shooting stars wish upon her

Fiveley: She’s so bubbly that if she farted in the bathtub the water would turn into champagne.

Sixley: She’s so energetic that Richard Simmons has a set of pajamas with her picture on it

Sevenley: She’s so positive Natalie thought she was her pregnancy test

Eightley: She’s so happy she makes Tinkerbell look like a bitch

Nineley: She’s so innocent even the L.A.P.D. wouldn’t beat her

Tenley: Since sleeping with Tenley, when Kiptyn pees sparkles come out

Rose ceremony. With Angry Dave safe and dressed like Billy Joel (what was up with that outfit, Jackass?) and Natalie safe and dressed like Minnie Mouse, we head into the rose ceremony where one couple will be voted off. Individual votes rule the day and it appears after much banter that Natalie will vote against Angry Dave (jackass), electing to save Jesse and Peyton instead of Dave’s boyfriend and Lindsey Lohan. After some references to “woman code” and a stupid handshake between Tenley and Natalie, we are lead to believe that it’s in the bag.

Harrison does his duty with the ubiquitous champagne glass and fork and the votes are counted. Natalie figured out that she didn’t want to be the brunt of Dave’s anger (jackass) and Kiptyn figured out that he’s not good enough friends with Jesse to keep him around. I think both made a mistake. So there it is. With just one episode remaining, Jesse and Peyton go home with their dignity in tact and we are left with Angry Dave (jackass), Natalie, Kiptyn, Tenley, Kovacs, and Elizabeth fighting for the dough. Please submit your off season ideas, questions, and feedback and I’ll decide before next week’s post what I’ll be doing. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be rolling erotically on the hood of a sports car. DP

37 comments:

  1. DP- I feel your writing/jokes have gotten more hostile (specifically w/Natalie and Elizabeth) every post this season and I am so glad to see that as it reflects my sentiments for this show so eloquently. This season drags on and while the occasional "case of the Kovacs" line make me giggle I am very glad the pad is finally wrapping up.

    And truly thanks for this gem- amazing probably because it is true:

    She actually ended with “I love you.” We assume Kovacs responded with a forced “you’re special too” before rolling over, farting, and going to sleep to dream about making out with Angry Dave (gay jackass).

    I wish they had the audio of the fart in the credits... that would have been awesome.

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  2. Betty, Interesting observation. My hostility is directly related to how tired I I am while watching the show. I do have to say that while I'm not judging the behavior via the window of an edit, particularly Elizabeth aggravates me because she's so foolish. Thanks for reading and commenting. DP

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  3. Angry Dave admitted to throwing a chair through a wall. (Jackass)

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  4. After Elizabeth and Kovacs got off the Lambo, I was hoping the ABC crew would wash it and spray it with super strong bug spray. That was gross. And so was their time in the fantasy suite with all the cameras and mikes on. Eewww.

    Elizabeth is beyond crazy, she is in need of major counseling and a good make-over.

    Jesse B is just immature, but a nice kid. He does need a couple of charm lessons.

    Kyptin and Natalie screwed up and missed the chance of getting ready of Elizabeth the nut case and Kovacs, he of the missing balls.

    I want a job like Melissa Rycroft's, she must be paying a bunch of money just for standing around and looking stupid.

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  5. I meant to say "She must be paid a bunch of money"

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  6. There are two things that I like about Bachelor Pad..
    1. Your blog.
    2. That it is thankfully almost over. Dumbest show ever.

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  7. You have made my day. Here is what made me laugh out loud:

    "We all realize that Wes Hayden was a prophet this season and we pictured him talking to a burning bush."
    "In the meantime, Peyton enjoys watching Jesse pick at ingrown leg hairs with drywall screws and eat bananas. I half expected him to bear his teeth and throw feces at her. Look, the guy is from Peculiar, Missouri and he’s 25 years old."

    'Empty mansion rooms are not like 11th Century Muslims and heretics. They don’t all need to be Christened. The only Crusade Kovacs was on was to get in her pants. She actually ended with “I love you.” '

    I could go on. Thanks so much for the laughs, I enjoyed every word.

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  8. "Fourley: She so happy that shooting stars wish upon her" - Total Greatness! Thank you for a much needed work-break. Hope you're recovering from your Labor Day weekend and hope you do, in fact, make it up to Dallas.

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  9. Great post DP. Thanks for all of the effort you put into keeping us entertained. This show has been pretty Stu.Pid. and I find myself fast-forwarding more and more of the show each week. You make it worth watching!

    We'd love for you to come visit us in Dallas. Maybe we can invite Jake, too! HAHA! :)

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  10. Nice job, DP. I LOLed for 20 straight minutes after I read Onely through Tenley. And what about how Gay Angry Dave nuzzles with Kovacs in the post-coital bed and talks about his speedo? Nasty. Jackass. And ABC, nice job trying to convince us that the girls were actually going to do the smart thing and get rid of the nasty case of the Kovacs... I almost fell for it, but then I realized they wouldn't get to have Kovacs and Gay Angry Dave (jackass) propose to each other in the finale.
    GM

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  11. (gay jackass) and the Onely through Tenley list were epic. Much like Angry Dave and Natalie winning the water balloon toss.

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  12. And I don't know if you've seen this already, but please tell me what you think of their d-bag dance off:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8Ydjfw0HE0&feature=player_embedded

    GM

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  13. Excellent work. I think Natalie has a wonky eye, btw. Maybe that's why she wears obscenely short skirts. To draw attention away. She could don an eye patch and go as a slutty pirate for Halloween. Actually, she doesn't need the costume at all.

    I snorted Diet DP at "She's got a bad case of the Kovacs." Not something to be proud of, dude.

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  14. My favorite line 'Normally, when something encased in rubber is hurled toward Elizabeth’s waist, it makes a safe landing . . . over and over and over again' Awesome. I find it hard to believe this is the same girl who held out on KISSING in Jake's season. I actually LIKED her until she started pulling that crap with Jake. What was I thinking? I can't stand her now.

    Good job Guy in Austin!

    BigRed - Hoover, Alabama

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  15. Love the post this week. My hell when is this show going to end. Hey DP - this is the official invite for a meet and greet in SLC UT. Let us know if you plan on visiting soon.

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  16. Your oneley through tenleys were classic. I think Tenley really is sweet, and I hate that she is now driving me nuts. I loved watching Peyton and Jesse B. They were at least funny and not disgusting. Poor Jesse B. he is a goober, but he seems like such a nice guy. He could totally come to my boys bowhunters feast and fit right in. Dave and Kovaks are getting more disgusting by the week.

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  17. Tenley is smart and manipulative: she loves gossip and is always ready to lead others to conclusions, and then act "shocked" that people draw these conclusions. She is MUCH more high maintenance than others think--she is a master at planting the seed and then acting "shocked and hurt" at others' conclusions that she has lead them to. Got to give her credit for her subtle game.

    Poor Elizabeth is truly crazy. CARAZEE. Hope Kovacs has some locks on the winery doors. Love Peyton and Jees's friendship actually. Normal and funny and natural. Sorry those two haven't continued on.

    Hate Dave (jackass) and think Natalie is actually ok. Easy, but nice and consummately (ok, pun intended) herself.

    Suze

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  18. "Tenley and Kiptyn exchange information by sucking it out of each other’s brains and she refers to them as “Kip-Ten.” I found that “Stu-Pid.” " HAHAHAHA - love that line.

    What was Kiptyn thinking? Does he not see that he's the odd man out? I thought Jesse made great points when pleading his case and was surprisingly well spoken. Too bad Kiptyn wasn't paying attention.

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  19. This is such a scrumptious little blog! Not that it's little or anything. I would be interested to know what degree Natalie received with her student loans.

    Amber
    The Woodlands

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  20. Great post!! Loved the "both are easier to bang than a cheap set of pots and pans" and Oneley was priceless "shes so happy that when she farts Fabreeze comes out". My daughter is a Fabreeze freak and would enjoy that one too! Keep up the good work. Debbie from San Antonio

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  21. Laughed out loud, again, several times ... loved the "After licking the beer off the table," the whole description of the North American Whore genus, the Oneley through Tenley list. A riot. And I also smacked myself in the head with the whole Elizabeth/Kovacs "sneaking" into the fantasy suite. Guess their fantasy is to screw with a dozen people in the room recording their every move. They're on the wrong show, I think.
    What do doctors prescribe for a bad case of the Kovacs, anyway, Ciprofloxacin?
    Anyhow, my morning news spoke of heavy flooding in the Austin, Tx. area. Hope you're on high and dry ground, DP. For heaven's sake, don't let your computer get damp!
    Take care.
    Clare in NJ

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  22. Stellar post! Several note worthy laugh out loud comments: Kip-Ten...Stu-Pid; Jesse bearing his teeth (not sure why I found this one especially funny but I nearly spit yogurt through my nose when I read it); Onely - the Febreeze reference.
    In general, this show bores me to no end. The best thing about it is having your post to read on Tuesday!
    Kay in NashVegas

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  23. Clare, Debbie, and Kay, thank you for the comments. The Stu. Pid. comment seems to be making some waves this week as is the Oneley through Tenley list. I always find it interesting what works. As for hartamber's classification of this blog as "scrumptious" I have to admit that it's a first. Perhaps I'll change the name to "The Most Scrumptious Blog in the World". DP

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  24. Please do another Tell All! And disclose your thoughts about what a woman's drink order means - you've had me wondering since you mentioned that!

    I totally agree with you about Jesse B. He was my favorite of the guys, as unpolished as he was, and I was sorry to see him go. I'd take a guy like him over the others any day!

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  25. Ten-ley: Since sleeping with Tenley, when Kiptyn pees sparkles come out. Ha ha--brilliant!!

    What a sad mess, all of it. Even my dog gives me a weird look when I'm watching it. I have no good reason...except this(and Lincee's)blog. thank you!
    Juliet

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  26. Well I finally got to check out the blog due to the Monday holiday making me work too much on Tuesday(stupid work!) Anyhow, you did not let me down, great as usual.
    Absolutley LOVE the Onley thru Tenley. Now, I'm a not a Tenly hater but this was just plain hilarious-LOL:)
    Also major kudos to Jesse B for calling out all the fakers on pretending it would be a hard decision of who to send packing when we all knew it would be him & Peyton.
    On another note it had to cause you much pain to "insert a one time only Jackass pass" so on your behalf I proudly say Jackass & grow up & put on some big boy panties Dave.Jackass.
    Keep up the good work, you have many who depend on your preception to brighten our day!

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  27. Kerry, thanks for doing my diry work. It's nice to know you've got my back. I'm so pleased to have a Juliet in my midst as well.
    DP

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  28. We assume Kovacs responded with a forced “you’re special too” before rolling over, farting, and going to sleep to dream about making out with Angry Dave Haha!!! Snorted on this one:) Yes, the pad is frustrating to pull some good stuff out of I am sick of all of them...esp. Tenley..gag...but thanks for hanging in there and keeping up the blog:) One of your more cynical less magical readers in Denver

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  29. Wow, the Oneley through Tenley bit had me rolling on the floor- had to call my roommate out to share the laughter!

    BTW, will you be submitting a photo of DP drinking DP for Lincee's calendar? Pretty please?

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  30. Stacey - yes! Some guy please submit a photo to Lincee for the calendar. Can you be two stepping and drinking it, with some chick from Austin? Please do show some grey (that's sexy) die your hair if you have too. But, please, I beg of you make sure your hair doesn't look as "pretty" as it does in your new profile pic. (heh!)

    Loved the oneley through Tenley's of course - you must frame those. I agree with Lincee, truly "epic".

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  31. btw, I should be ashamed of myself because I have read very little of your blog in the past few weeks (work has been absurd), but I found this recap particularly humorous! It was exceptionally well written. Ideas for the future- more of the style where you do ideas girls give you (baby shower diaper cake, spa day- those just cracked me up). Anything really- and yes, I agree, a break from reality tv would be welcome!!!

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  32. Thank you football game week for delaying my Bachelor Pad viewing until now...but what a way to start the week. Yowza, that was a mess. Awesome recap as always, and a lesson in biology and Darwinian theories to boot. Excellent.

    Completely self-serving (and also I can't believe I'm admitting to watching this dreck), but in the interim between Bachelor seasons, check out the CW for some fantastic recap-worthy non-reality material, particularly One Tree Hill. It's like The Bachelor in that it won't go away, and you know it's worthless but you can't seem to quit going back to it: tacky, trashy, completely out of touch with reality, but somehow every Monday you find yourself on the couch at 9:01, once it's safely done recording, with the DVR remote and a glass or four of Arbor Mist. Just a suggestion...either way, I'll be happily reading.

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  33. First, I totally disagree! Your new profile picture is HOT!!! Yes, you need to submit a picture of you and the DP and you could even put some Bachelor/ette things behind you. Or holding a lone star and dr. pepper would be great as well. I think all of your blogs have some sort of mention to lone star. Is this an every night thing or just to get you through Bachelor Pad??? HAHA!

    Can't wiat for your recap on the finale tonight! I am SOOOO happy this pathetic show is over. Are there any new shows you plan on watching from the new fall lineup??

    As for future blogs...maybe a little insight into waht guys think about (besides sex) or questions guys have about women that we coudl all comment on??? Annnnyyyyywho I will be reading and writing. Kim, NEvada

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  34. Let's see, I've been referred as "Pretty" and "Hot" in the span of two comments. I suppose I should say thanks and just move on. I'll address my next blog in tomorrow's post. Thanks to all for reading! DP

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  35. You didn't answer! Are you taking a pic for Lincee's DP photo contest?

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  36. Well... round about every blog posts online don't have much originality as I found on yours.. Just keep updating much useful information so that reader like me would come back over and over again.
    How to seduce a woman

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