Thursday, September 16, 2010

Bachelor Pad Episode 7: Thursday Posts Don't Come Easy

Hello readers and welcome to the Thursday post. It’s been an interesting couple of days for me and I’m anxious to get this post out of the way and put the Bachelor Pad to bed like Elizabeth after a few glasses of wine. I had an interesting Tuesday and Wednesday night and will share some of those details at the end of this post. No cheating! With that said, let’s get to it.

We begin in the designated After the Rose studio undoubtedly located in some seedy section of East Los Angeles in some innocuous looking run down warehouse with a crumbling asphalt parking lot littered with empty spray paint cans, trash, and drug paraphernalia. It’s like the Bat Cave except it’s not located in the side of a cliff and rather than computers and crime fighting equipment it’s filled with soft lighting and scented candles.

We cut to the standard Oprah-esque overly excited women in the crowd cheering shots as we all sat down with our respective beverages ready to see who will take home the cash. Harrison emerges dressed a lot like Bruce Wayne in the same outfit he wore at the mansion whenever the Kovacs and Elizabeth got a glass slipper to the rear end.

I realize that was probably just a fancy wardrobe trick used by the show in order to create the illusion that the live taping occurred right after the ceremony at the mansion. However, I preferred to picture Harrison running out after that ceremony to partake in a 4 day booze binge at various questionable establishments across L.A. I pictured him waking up covered in co-eds at a USC sorority house, looking at his super-expensive watch, and gathering his gray suit and vest, and departing to a cheery chorus of “byyyyee Chris. . .,” as he tightened his black tie, winked at himself in the hallway mirror, and hit the limo in order to make to the studio on time. After some cold water to the face, a chilled scotch on the rocks, and a couple of whip its, he’s ready to host. Man, Harrison is Money.

Smiling and alert, Harrison introduces “Melissa Rycroft-Strickland . . . and a half” as she smiles, revels in her hyphenated status, and turns sideways to show us her baby bump. Well, it could have been that she just ate a peanut for dinner but I like to think positively. I’m a “the womb is half full” kind of guy.

After more recaps and some pre-recorded canned shots of the adequately cross-sectioned audience, we meet the former cast members who will be hemming and hawing for the next hour until voting for the couple they hate the least. McCheesy and his hair, Weatherman and his latent homosexuality, Jessie and her patent bitterness, Krisily and her ridiculous name, Peyton and her valley girl accent, Jesse B. and his ingrown leg hair, Juan and his arrogance, Gwen and her question marks, Ashley and her anonymity, Michelle and her other personalities, Nikki and her fun sponge, Wes and his ever-present guitar, Gia and her lisp, Elizabeth (now a brunette) and her boat load of crazy, and Kovacs and his regret all sit atop the stage with smiles on their faces and alcohol coursing through their veins ready to pounce on the remaining four.

In perhaps the most unsurprising development since the sun rising and waves crashing on the beach, we learn that—GASP!—Kovacs and Elizabeth are no longer a couple. After pretending to wipe the Lone Star from my nose, I listened intently. What could have gone wrong, I asked? They seemed so happy. Alas, we learn that even bonds as strong as the one between these two schmucks are subject to be broken. Maybe Kovacs prefers blondes to brunettes. Perhaps Elizabeth wants to meet the real Nick Lachey instead of his look alike. Who knows? I suspect her being certifiably crazy played a small role in that decision. It’s a damn good thing I had a box of tissues handy. I used one to wipe the tears from my eyes after laughing so hard I cried.

Memo to Elizabeth: Don’t blame Kovacs for taking what you offered for free and don’t pretend you “don’t do casual” relationships. What you did was tantamount to the fat woman at the grocery store handing me a free sample of whatever on a toothpick and then complaining that I didn’t pay for it. If you leave the barn door wide open, someone’s going to walk through it. Close your barn door. Perhaps you’ll make better decisions as a brunette. Oh, and the foundation that the hair and make-up folks put on your sun-damaged skin did wonders for your appearance. Buy a bottle. You’re a pretty woman. Remind yourself of that the next time you plan to throw your cooch at someone like a 9th inning fastball.

We next get a shot of the effervescent Gia. The fact that she’s effervescent is ironic, because with that speech thing she’s got going on, she probably can’t pronounce that word correctly. To be fair, she looked fantastic. I know I’ll take a lot of grief in the comments for that sentence, but faults aside, she’s hot. Gia is carefully placed next to Wes and his carefully tussled hair and semi-graying pseudo-beard. After confirming that she’s no longer dating a Canadian because he lives in Canada, Gia confirms that she and Wes are indeed an item. The last time I checked, Canada is closer to New York than Texas. Details.

Wes drops a “bad boys need love too” and kisses Gia’s injected lips to a round of applause. Simultaneously, in the backyard of a starter home in Denton, Texas a certain former tattletale, former actor, and looking-for-work pilot twitched as he tried desperately to shoo the chickens who had come home to roost in his gazebo. Completing the circle of Wes’ image rebuilding campaign, Harrison acknowledges Wes’ miraculous turn around from the worst guy in reality show history to the guy that landed the hottest chick on the filler show and confirms that ABC is done f*cking with his life. Nice job, Wes. Pearl snaps and boots trump a hockey shirt and skates any day of the week.

After all, he’s been told a time or two, doncha know, you gotta be strong. She’ll do you wrong. She’ll do you right sometimes. And the before you know it, she’ll be gone. But Wes found a woman who’s right on time. Could I fall in love, he asked, could she be all mine? They say that love don’t come easy and if you fall to quick you must be wrong. But he’s got a feeling, he believes in that loving you Gia don’t take that long.

I don’t know what’s more pathetic: the fact that I know the words to that song or the fact that I learned them from watching the show. Regardless, Wes and Gia seemed happy. Good for them.

We finally get to the business at hand as Kip-Ten and Angry Da-Natalie (Jackass) enter, ready to run the gauntlet in order to collect the jack. For some reason, ABC selected the Spin Doctor’s “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” as the entry song. I found that really odd.

At any rate, Tenley is—you guessed it—so happy that she giggles freely until confirming that Kiptyn is indeed her “boyfriend.” Someone needs to remind her that she’s in her mid-twenties and not her mid-teens. I pictured Kiptyn pinning a homecoming mum on her taffeta dress while his buddies ran around the back of the garage to retrieve the pilfered booze for the limo ride on the way to the dance.

Angry Dave (jackass) and Natalie confirm their “long distance relationship” and I sighed because I knew that really means that he flies to Wherever, Illinois once a month for a late night, post-binge drinking, bang session at whatever hotel Priceline.com was auctioning off that weekend. “Get to the questions,” I said aloud as I sipped my Lone Star and prayed Michelle would say something crazy.

Melissarycroftstrickland gets the lead in as she struggles to read the tele-prompter in front of her face. To be fair, her ponytail was stretched so tightly that her vision must have been impaired. She’s married and knocked up so what does she care? Jessie the Narc pretends that she and Angry Dave (jackass) had something beyond a strategic hot tub make out session and Natalie pretends she didn’t indiscriminately sleep with Angry Dave (jackass). Krisily ignores her silly name and calls Angry Dave (jackass) out for almost sort of lying to her. Aware that stepping on toes will lose him votes, Angry Dave fights back the Dianabol rush to his brain and manages an apology. Jackass.

Peyton busts Kiptyn’s balls and Gia does an about face and actually defends Nikki. Why didn’t he pick her instead of Tenley? Because Cinderella is hotter than Sandra Bullock’s older brother in drag, that’s why. Wes looked bored.

Michelle makes the mistake of trying to get the best of an exchange with Tenley by pretending she didn’t make out with McCheesy and Tenley takes the high road by apologizing. Hey Jake, I hope you watched that. THAT’S how you handle a crazy, angry, immature, irrational person who wants to confront you. You sit there, smile politely, nod your head, and let that person spew crazy like a run away fire hose. Sure, you may get a little wet, but when it’s all over, it’s the fire hose that gets blamed. Michelle actually got booed and as it was happening I pictured Dopey, Grumpy, Doc, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, and Happy standing on their chairs in the back row rooting for Tenley.

Before all four finalists are actually asked to beg for the money, Angry Dave does some damage control and I was actually impressed at his sincerity. You could tell he wanted the money and I have to give him credit for keeping it together. He’s still—say it with me—a jackass. Wes scores points by referring to Gia as “a million dollars right here” and I prayed that Harrison would jump in and offer him the money in exchange for Gia just to see what he would do. No such luck. After some appropriately placed ooo’s and ahhh’s, we move to the Glengarry Glen Ross portion of the show as the remaining four attempt to close the deal.

Natalie loves everyone—boy, didn’t that statement prove to be true—and had fun too. No sh*t. She’s going to pay off her debt, give some money to charity, and pass on some cash to mom and dad. Tax code, Schmax Code.

Angry Dave (jackass)—touts himself as honest and fair, owns his comment about Gwen being too old to be on a “dating show” before Gwen reminds him that she was there for the money, and absorbs some boo’s all in his quest for the mula. Again, he deserves credit. I actually believed him. Jackass.

Tenley—Reminds us how f*cking bubbly she is before alluding to her D-I-V-O-R-C-E and her plans to build individual huts for all seven dwarfs after repaying her parents for the financial help after she lost her virginity to her two-timing husband and was forced to get a D-I-V-O-R-C-E. She tells us that she’s “not gonna lie” but will also “have a little fun too.” Perhaps she can book a trip on that rocket ship.

Kiptyn—Does a poor job begging for the money because everyone knows he’s rich. He pulls out the “I’ll give a bunch to charity” card and Wes Hayden perked up hoping that Kiptyn would consider the Wes Hayden Band a viable charity.

In another ill-founded effort to tarnish the shiny aura surrounding Tenley, Juan actually questions what she’s done to be a finalist. Jessie—in an attempt to prolong her fifteenth minute—points out that Tenley is the second best pie eater next to Gia and Juan gets put in his place by the booing crowd. I think that deserves a “jackass.”

The voting begins:

McCheesy Kip-Ten
Weatherman Kip-Ten
Jessie Dave-Nat (this one surprised me)
Krisily Dave-Nat (this one did too)
Peyton Dave-Nat (makes sense)
Jesse Dave-Nat (same reason as Peyton)
Juan Kip-Ten
Gwen Kip-Ten
Ashley Dave-Nat
Michelle Dave-Nat
Nikki Dave-Nat (I thought she might stick with Kiptyn)
Wes Dave-Nat (the more I thought about it, the more this one made sense)

After seeing Wes’ deciding vote, the entire stage turns into a homo-erotic mess as the Weatherman hugs Juan (Harrison should have asked them if they are together), Dave hugs everyone (jackass) and Kovacs tries to hold it together. . .but wait. There’s a twist and Harrison is about to turn the screws.

There is one prize and Angry Dave (jackass) and Natalie must decide one final time. Here are the options.

1. They both vote “Share” and they split the prize evenly

2. One votes “Keep” and the other votes “Share” and the keeper keeps the money

3. They both vote “Keep” and everyone else gets $16,666.66.

After “deliberation” security guards escort Natalie and Dave (jackass) to their seats. Apparently, there was at least a perceived danger of someone hijacking their cardboard answer cards. Security guards? Odd. Angry Dave (jackass) picks “Share” and Natalie forces him to sweat it out until ultimately revealing her “Share” card as well and they both get 125 grand. Actually, their moves weren’t as altruistic as they seem. Speaking strictly from an odds perspective, “share” was the most logical choice since it guaranteed each person the money. Granted, a “keep” would have doubled the cash, but it could have also been a big fat zero. I would have done the same thing. However, I’ve never wanted to see the word “Keep” emboldened on a cardboard cutout so badly in my life. Regardless, they both seemed thrilled and—at the end of this very long season—I’ll say that they deserved the cash as much as anybody else. Like I’ve said before, perfect moments in life are difficult to come by and regardless of my opinion of Jackass and Natalie, I was happy for both of them.

Until next time . . . oh, wait, I forgot something.

Alright, I’m afraid I’ve got good news and bad news for the readers here. I did indeed meet a certain music playing member of the cast of this show and members of a particular band for a few Lone Star Beers (all on my tab) the other night. I did indeed gather some juicy information. HOWEVER, I was specifically told not to print any of it in the blog because of contractual obligations of the aforementioned certain music playing member of the cast of the show. A Five Million Dollar contractual obligation. However, in the spirit of delivering on my promise, Email me at dp010835@gmail.com with your specific questions and I’ll answer them accordingly. All inquiries will be answered as fast as I can get to them. I just can’t print it here. In the meantime, enjoy the link below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-IrQscU3o4&feature=related

Thank you all from the bottom of my Texan heart for reading this season. A special thanks to Lincee Ray for her friendship and encouragement this season. Keep in touch on Facebook by becoming a fan on my Guy in Austin page and look for regular posts in the off season. I’ll post some of my ideas on Tuesday and let y’all vote on what you would like me to write about. Suggestions are always welcome. Please take care of yourselves, look for Meet and Greet Postings, and stay in touch. Feel free to drop me a line if you’re ever in Austin, Texas. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be trying to hook up with Natalie and her 125 grand. DP

20 comments:

  1. Aww. I was looking forward to some juicy Wes updates. Now I have to do the work and figure out some solid questions. Darn you CBS!

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  2. Thanks for the recaps - I hope it works out for Gia and Wes as well.

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  3. How come you are always so hard on Harrison? I do not picture him as being at all as you do. He is a married family man. Seems sweet.
    Otherwise, awesome job. Thoroughly entertaining and well, genius.

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  4. I know, I know, I was hoping to post some good scoop, but that's the way the cookie crumbles. allaboutclassicpostitnotes, please explain why you are all about classic post it notes. Anon, I love Harrison. I want his job. I do realize he's a happily married guy. I just think it's funny to picture his alter ego. DP

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  5. When I read "Perhaps she can book a trip on that rocket ship", I stood up and high fived myself. Brilliant. Love how the seven dwarfs were on their chairs too! Excellent job DP.

    But did we really need that YouTube link? I'm thinking no...

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  6. okay poster number three... by "hard on Harrison" you mean DP portrays him as a kick-ass host who is cooler than me you and Tenley's rockit ship?? I am sure Harrison loves it and would take five tequila shots in a row while licking the salt off Melissa Rycroft's baby bump to prove he is no "sweet" guy. Just saying...

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  7. DP you are a tease! Here I was all hoping for some interesting fodder and you're making us play "20 Questions"??? No fair.

    I'm with Lincee...that link was un-called-for. Although Wes did seem to recuperate some of his reputation in the last few weeks...his musical "abilities" just seem to me a poor man's Garth Brooks. Just sayin'.

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  8. DP, why do you make us some back! I was wanting some updates on the Wes/Gia update. And did Dave (JA) leave with someone else besides Nat the night of the after party?? Surely you can share that with us!! Hey, maybe we should nominate you for the next Bachelor and you can see for yourself how cool Chris Harrison really is. You could even go for some Lone Star beers after the dates. What do you say???? Come on how fun would that be?

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  9. Loved the whip its, fun sponge and the fighting back the Dianabol rush to his brain. Would you guide us toward what topics we can ask about? I'm stumped.

    Amber
    The Woodlands

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  10. I'm really disapointed here. It almost seems like you made us all wait to see what the updates are with Wes & Gia, then came back with a plug for Wes (the You Tube link). You should have checked first to see what you could "legally" post, and what you couldn't. I think I'll pass on coming back to this blog for a while..I feel really cheated. Not a fair game that you're playing here, sorry.

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  11. Wow, Anon. Cut the guy some slack. It's quite a daunting task to post not only once but twice in one week. Perhaps he has a life outside of the show? I didn't find this a plug for Wes; it was simply to note what transpired. Just enjoy the humor and entertainment.
    Displaced Texan

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  12. Well, Displaced Texan, all I can say is GP shouldn't have said he'd have a new update regarding Wes & Gia on here today. Perhaps "contractual obligations" should have been checked first. I'm just disapointed that we all sat and waited patiently, for nothing.

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  13. anonymous, I appreciate your comments and your readership. I never said I refused to give any information, I just can't post it on this site. As for me checking contractual obligations, I wasn't privy to that or any information I would gather. I apologize if you feel cheated. I don't know what my game is since I don't now and have never made a dime from this site. I'm a fan of the show and I write about it. I'm not friends with Wes Hayden and I sure as hell don't want to perpetuate his songs. As Displaced Texan said, this is about the humor and entertainment. I don't read sites like Reality Steve and I don't pretend to have inside scoop. I thought it might be fun to have a beer with a couple of folks. That's it. Incidentally, if you're interested in what I learned, just email me. Again, I'm sorry I let you down. I can't hit a home run every time. Thanks for reading and I do hope you'll come back. DP

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  14. hartamber,

    Classic that you got the whip it reference. What's going on up there in Houston suburbs while you watch the show? Makes me wonder.

    DP

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  15. DP,

    Sorry to read that people are dogin you. Considering you made people laugh is what matters. And I can read off some of the laugh-out-loud lines to my cubemates that are getting laid off due to funding cuts real soon - your making a lot of people laugh who need it. So thank you!

    To answer you question about why I am all about classic post it notes - I posted (pun intended) about it on my site.

    -Post-it Girl

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  16. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  17. Wow, Anonymous. Sounds like you need to get a job/hobby if you were waiting around for this post and are THAT disappointed about it. He's not curing cancer here, he's blogging about one of the dumbest reality shows out there. There's a great big world outside your computer screen, go live in it! Oh, and I'm fairly certain it's DP.

    Fabulous job as always - fave line:

    I don’t know what’s more pathetic: the fact that I know the words to that song or the fact that I learned them from watching the show.

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  18. "I’m a 'the womb is half full' kind of guy."

    awesome!

    Also loved the Tenley-seven dwarfs references (individual huts - ha!) and telling Elizabeth that she's a pretty woman and to remember that next time she considers throwing her ... well, ya know.

    Looking forward to your post-season blogs!

    Clare

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  19. Nice! I also enjoyed the "womb half-full" comment.
    While I am happy this terrible show is over, I will miss your recaps.
    Jaymie

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  20. Come on now, DP...whip its are so 1998.

    Looking forward to your off season posts :)

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