Off Season Post 1: Who Will it Be? Not Me.

Hello, those of you who still have nothing better to do on a Tuesday but read my blog. Alright, I’m just kidding. For those of you who are still reading, thank you for tuning in to see what I’m going to come up with in the off season. I’ve received a lot of email suggestions as to topics and I’m in the process of mulling them over in my head in order to see what inspiration comes. We’ve got a few months of down time and I’ve got plenty of ideas. From time to time I’ll float one out and see what you think. As always, suggestions are welcome.

Coming fresh off the success of another bachelor based reality show, I asked all of you to email me your ideas and thoughts on the next bachelor and on posts you’d like to see me tackle over the next couple of months. I got a lot of interesting suggestions, proposals, and even one suggestive proposal from a certain Canadian fan who apparently went to the Elizabeth and Michelle School of Charm . . . for her PhD. I appreciate the sentiment from all of the readers, but please, don’t scare me. Incidentally, the fact that this particular reader is from Canada in no way affects my opinion of my fine Canadian readership. There are crazy women in the United States too.

With the Bachelor Pad over the latest Bach gossip inevitably switches back to our favorite September through October question: Who will be the next Bachelor? As has been the case in seasons past, the show will begin shooting in mid-October and will air at the end of January. The next Bachelor will likely be announced after Us Weekly, People, and other various publications of their ilk beat every permutation to death like Al Capone in a Chicago boardroom.

Based on the emails, correspondence, and comments I’ve received in the past week, I’ve compiled a short list of the readers’ most popular choices and/or guesses for the next guy in the hot seat—or is it WITH a hot seat?. I’ve narrowed that down to four and will once and for all answer the most popular question the Some Guy in Austin get via Facebook, email, comments, and in person: Why don’t you become the next Bachelor?

Let’s get to it.

Ty: We all remember this guy, right? He’s the “medical sales” person from Tennessee who believes that the reason that women have smaller feet than men is so they can stand closer to the stove. He’s got ears that look like open car doors and is very fond of giant choker necklaces.

The latest buzz is that he’s in the running right next to Chris L. to be the next guy to weed out the crazy and make a poor decision on a flower filled land bridge in the middle of a sweltering tropical island while wearing a poorly fitting suit. Honestly, I liked Ty despite his penchant for poor jewelry and 1950’s traditionalism. I have no problem with the stay at home mom/wife concept, but clearly many of the twenty-somethings who would sign up for the show would. I think this might present a real problem for a show that likes to film semi-naked, alcohol-induced hot tub grope scenes in addition to bikini wrestling scenes. I could never picture June Cleaver dominating the Bachelor pool in a chicken fight.

Upside: Ty is a genuinely nice guy with traditional ideas about marriage and relationships. It would a nice change from that Douchebag from Denton and his condescending smirk.

Downside: Ty is a genuinely nice guy with traditional ideas about marriage and relationships. Also, choker necklaces would be the new canary yellow. We’d also have to listen to him say “thank you” five times during every make out scene all season. I’m not sure I could stand it.

Chris L: Of course we all remember Chris L. He’s the guy that got dumped by Ali in Tahiti without the benefit of the final date. I wonder if he realized that he dodged a giant, canary yellow bullet by not “winning” Ali’s heart last season. Regardless, he’s clearly the sentimental favorite. His deceased mother tattoo, rosy cheeks, rainbow stories, and oddly close family are all appealing to want-to-be wives and, frankly, I like the guy.

The rumors are that he’s had it with the show. He’s apparently been begged to do the show by its producers because of the instant ratings that would come with his appearance. The problem with Chris L. is that he’s the opposite of Jake. He’s a normal, non-fame seeking, decent, hard-working guy who has overcome a lot of tragedy in his life. Oh, and he’s tall too. We all know that he went on the show “for the right reasons” and may actually be the only guy in recent history who didn’t have an agenda. The problem with that from a production perspective is that he won’t be an easy grab for next season’s show. Everyone does have a price, however, and I’m certain that ABC has enough cash floating around to make it difficult to turn down. Hell, even if they don’t they can always pawn one of Harrison’s watches.

Upside: He’s a funny, normal, guy’s guy and I think he’d be fun to watch.

Downside: We’d have to relive his mother’s death story like we relived Tenley’s damn divorce in addition to having to hear about oysters and crabs all season.

Wes: I’ll go on record as saying this one won’t happen. I’ll also go on record as saying I really want it to happen. Wes has been a wild card since he stepped out of the limo on Jillian’s season. He’s gone from A-hole to A Number One and I think his bachelor-ness has sailed. In addition, he’s “dating” Gia and there’s not enough time between that announcement and the big next bachelor announcement to do away with that relationship and make him single again. Even if a “she cheated” story is invented, Wes is not the guy.

Rumors are that he’s pitching his own version of a reality to around town and it doesn’t hurt that he’s dating Gia. Besides, he’d need to write a new theme song, and I’m not sure we could stand two Wes Hayden songs in our heads on a daily basis. My money says he moves on to something else.

Upside: Wes is a talker and he speaks his mind. It would be fun to hear him comment on 25 new trollops as they swoon and pretend to like his music and the home town visits would be awesome.

Downside: Wes is Wes.

Brad: Alright, I had to include this guy because the second the rumor mill began to buzz with the remote possibility that he could the on board again, I received dozens of email questions asking me to confirm or deny it. The truth is, I have no idea. We have a lot of mutual friends and none of them are talking. This isn’t a gossip site, but I figured I’d try and get some dirt. I didn’t. If he does sign up, I’m certain he’s smart enough to do it for Harrison money.

Upside: He’s the first guy in the show’s history to dump two chicks in the final ceremony. It would be nice to speculate all season if he’d have the stones to do it again.

Downside: We’ve seen it before and while I’m getting a lot of “hmmm, he’s delicious” emails, a fresh face might be nice. After all, the show has been recycling since his season. It’s indirectly his fault that the next Bachelor/Bachelorette is drawn from the short list of people who were dumped the previous season. Get that? Brad is responsible for Jake. Do we really want to perpetuate the cycle?

Some Guy in Austin: No. Freaking. Way. I’ll preface this portion of the blog by stating that the only reason that I’m entertaining this idea is because I get it ALL the time from the readers. “Why don’t YOU sign up to be the next bachelor?” I’ll also preface this by saying that I really don’t think there’s anything wrong, per se, with going on the show in search of a connection, true love, or whatever. I also have no problem with anyone going on to achieve some notoriety in whatever field he chooses to pursue as long as he’s up front about it, but I’m not the guy. Why? I’ll tell you.

First, in order to adequately prepare for this post, I took the liberty of downloading the ABC application to be on the show. You can find the full application at ABC.com but below are some of my favorite portions.

Whoever wrote this thing is fascinated with the exclamation point. I suppose being on the show is reason for exclamation, but I found its use unnecessary and distracting. The application contains such gems as:

“Making a video is the best way to show us your personality and ensure that you are seen by the casting team!!!”

Just in case that line doesn’t convince a potential applicant, it’s followed by:

“If you don’t have a video camera, ask your friends or family members to see if you can borrow one. Our taping instructions are easy to follow and tell you what we are looking for - click here for instructions and get started right away!”

As I sipped a cold bottle of Lone Star, I wondered if ABC really wanted someone who was not resourceful enough to find a video camera. Is there anyone out there who couldn’t figure that out? Jesse B. came to mind, but he apparently asked the right person for help. Hell, even the “Outdoorsman” submitted a video.

Next, the application asks for basic physical and background information. Relevant, I suppose. Although, I’m not sure why it’s important how much money I make or what my highest level of education is if the show is indeed about finding love. Some of my favorite background questions are below.

Have you ever been arrested, charged or convicted of a crime of any type?

Have you ever had a temporary restraining order issued against you?

Have you ever filed for bankruptcy or chapter 11?

Have you ever been a performer, participant or contestant on television, radio or in film?

Do you drink alcoholic beverages?

Are you genuinely looking to get married?

What is the unique talent of which you are most proud?

List the 3 adjectives that best describe you:

Do you have any tattoos? If yes, what are they? And where are they located on your
body?

What accomplishment are you most proud of?

Why would you be a great husband?

Why are you America’s Most Eligible Bachelor?

Recent Photographs - please submit anywhere from 5 to 15 pictures. Be sure to include some good close-ups shots and full body pics.

My first thought is how did Michelle and Kasey answer the first two questions. How did Natalie handle the “unique talent” inquiry? I can see her scratching her head and wondering if “promiscuity” constituted a talent before calling her BFF and running it by her before writing it down. Wouldn’t you pay to see how Jake and Wes answered the “Most Eligible Bachelor” question? Three adjectives? I suppose “desperate” is a given, but the other two could be anything. I might start with “cool.”

At the end of the day, I suppose the answers to these compelling life questions don’t really matter if the video pulls its weight. It’s like getting popped for DWI. It doesn’t matter what you say if your video stinks. It’s about appearance and marketability for the producers and I’m certain they have slots to fill when “casting” the show. There’s always a crazy one, a desperate one, an angry one (jackass), and a party girl, etc. Without conflict, there’s no story line and without a story line the show would just be—well, real life. Ironic, isn’t it?

Back to me. Assuming I could answer all of the questions correctly, I’m certain there is some sort of Bachelor vetting process that occurs. Interviews, camera tests, head shots, etc. are all done. I had a law clerk who tried out for the short-lived show “The Cougar” as one of the dudes looking to hook up with an older woman. They took him into some giant room and told him to strip down to his boxer shorts and “make love to the camera.” Look, I could jog pearl snap shirtless down by the river side, wander longingly through fields of bluebonnets while contemplating the location of my one true love, and even tell a sappy story about unrequited love, but there’s not a chance in hell I’m going to make love to a camera.

Three reasons why I couldn’t be the next bachelor:

1. I can actually dance. Not fast dance like girls do in a circle with each other at some trendy martini bar while the heaviest one sits in the corner sipping a glass of wine and watching all of the purses, but slow dance. I’m not Fred Astaire, but I can count to four and move my feet.

2. I can’t cry on cue. I realize that this isn’t a deal breaker, but it seems to be an unspoken qualification over the past couple of seasons.

3. I don’t pretend very well. There’s not a lot of pretense I’m capable of putting on. Like Popeye or the Burning Bush, I am who I am. Faking things in the name of reality would be difficult for me. I think I’d be able to narrow the field to five women after the first cocktail party.

Here’s a picture of my entire season if I were selected:

Day 1 of DP’s Bachelorette Search: Take a cross section of 25 people to whom I might be attracted. In other words, body type, age, hair color, interests, etc. Out of those 25, I’d opine that 1/3 of them wouldn’t work even on a good day. Give or take, it’s simple odds. That leaves 18 women. Of those 18, I’d have to figure that there are at least three lushes, three crazies, and three with major daddy issues in the bunch. All of that can be determined with the simple introduction of free alcohol and a stress filled environment. In Bach terms, this is known as the first cocktail party. Again, it’s simple math. That leaves 9 women. Of those 9, there are at least 3 who simply would not be attracted to me once they got beyond appearance and opening small talk. That leaves 6. Now we’re talking.

Day 2: I would have Harrison’s minion drop a date card at the mansion door—podium or no podium, it’s irrelevant. The date card would simply read, “Be Ready in 35 Minutes.” Of those 6 women, 2 of them would melt down like Kilimanjaro magma because they would be overwhelmed at the vagueness of the message. What do I wear? Where are we going? Panic, panic, panic. We all know the type. One woman would cry but pull it together in order to be ready. The remaining three would quietly walk upstairs and in a calm, collected manner select something seasonal, practical, and versatile before throwing the hair into a ponytail, applying an acceptable amount of make up, packing a small bag containing a sweater, lip gloss, a sweater, scented lotion, and a few odds and ends, and putting on comfortable shoes. 35 minutes later, 3 women would appear in the driveway and one would remain upstairs primping in the mirror. I’d leave her to primp.

Now before everyone get’s their push up bras in a knot, let me explain. I am not saying that all women should be able to get ready for a mysterious event in 35 minutes or less all of the time. Of course, there are exceptions like anniversaries, special events, holidays when a woman should be allowed days of preparation. I get that. There are also nights out, social events, and day to day things where a woman can take her time to get ready. I have no problem with that either. What I’m looking for here is spontaneity, security, confidence, and an appreciation of doing something fun with me. The when and where really isn’t important and a person—any person—should be able to dress and be ready for anything in 35 minutes under these circumstances. Every woman should have a 2 minute hurry up offense in her play book—at least any woman I’m with.

Back to me. With three low-maintenance, spontaneous women in the limo, I’d break out the Lone Stars and announce that the Fantasy Suite dates were about to begin. Over the next three days, I’d spend a day with each woman doing the things that I enjoy doing while trying to get to know them better. Each night would be followed by a fancy date of her choosing and an option for the Fantasy Suite. Then, on the fourth day, I’d contemplate. On the fifth day, I’d decide and BINGO, my decision would be made. I’d need a total of 5 shows at most. That’s half a season. Anti-climactic? Perhaps. Realistic? I think so. Oh, and I wouldn’t propose either. I’d put that big ring in trust just in case the one I picked turned out to be Third Date Crazy.

And that, my faithful readers, is why I could never be the next Bachelor. I’ll stick to blogging and my occasional meet and greet. Thanks to all of you for sticking around and reading. As announcements are made and the time rolls on, I’ll be posting and I hope you’ll be commenting. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be sipping a Lone Star somewhere in South Austin. DP